Dealing With Negativity and Finding a Great Relationship: June Q&A | Being Well

[@meganhoward5341]

You and your father should write a book together. I love these videos. Highly intelligent, competent and inspiring individuals.

[@meganhoward5341]

Thank you for this content.

[@ForrestHanson]

Thanks Megan, we've written one actually. It's titled "Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakeable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness."

[@rebecca_stone]

As I get healthier I'm able to appreciate you both more and more. When I first tried to listen to your channel, I'll be honest, I just found you both completely unrelatable - the way you interact as father and son is so constructive and healthy - it was utterly foreign for me to see. So I was sure I wouldn't be able to learn from you because you haven't experienced destructive family trauma. But today, I'm so happy and absorbed listening to you and your beautiful communication, as well as these very astute listener questions. You're modelling a fantastic way to interact, as well as great info. Thank you!!

[@remydrh]

I do find people with an external locus of control have a hard time with any attempts to reframe the negativity. The complaining is a way to justify failing to take control of a situation. Everything happens to them and they are powerless.

[@Lorobain33]

Wow Forrest, it's really healing to hear that there is no need or rule for inversion of parent child relationship as the parent ages.

[@Lorobain33]

Gosh Rick, I've never determined my own purpose yet alone my Noble Purpose! Your guidance here is so empowering!

[@flygirl244]

Forrest- you are a gem-- keep shining :)

[@sylviaodhner]

I like that framing about dealing with people who express a lot of negativity. I interact with people like that sometimes, and it often feels like they are inviting me to bond with them over their frustrations, and I am continually rejecting their invitations by not allowing myself to get sucked into it. I think approaching people with curiosity is often a good way of dealing with it. Another thing I sometimes do is offer encouragement and support in response, and sometimes that's not what they're looking for, but I'd like to think that maybe it helps anyway.

[@umas1909]

Could you do a session on Toxic Positivity

[@remydrh]

Toxic positivity shows a lack of empathy. But people seem to think it's healthy.

[@dbencic]

@@remydrh well explained! Toxic Negativity is draining to be around (suffocating) and toxic positivity is dismissive (abandoning/avoidant/invalidating). Both landing far from objective reality (making genuine connection difficult to achieve and maintain).

[@TropicalRedFlower]

I would agree to do all that enquiry you're talking about at the beginning only if I'm trying to know the person and if maybe they are going through something transitory. However, there are people that you already know are toxic and have a pattern of trying to look for the negative in everything you do or in life and always talk about how bad they're doing to get pitty as an eternal victim. All of that, drains your energy and pollutes your mind with negativity too. Covert narcissist tend to use all this, beware, although not every negative person is manipulative maybe they are just emotionally immature. Either way, I rather stay away, I've learned to only help those that want to be helped. No one likes to be treated like a dumpster.

[@anxen]

In one of my jobs I complained to my boss that she never praised me only criticised me. She said, "Doing well is the base line, it is what is expected. If you dont hear from me that means you are doing well." I was shocked as i grew up with ebullient praise lol. I think many people were also parented by this principle of no praise and changing that might be impossible for some.

[@peacefulisland67]

Thank you for thoughts on how to deal with negative people. At 57 I'm still a toddler in the realm of psychology and being able to change my genetic expression through orientation, behaviors and self examination. Whenever I sit in the lunch room at work, for example, it's a challenge to not allow negativity to break through my leaky boundaries and confidence. That solid foundation of love, compassion, value and trust has always been just a mirage, and right when I need to stand in it, it disappears. Your specific suggestion of asking a deep question is a helpful reminder. Listening to Pema Chodrun years ago, she spoke of her rocky relationship with her mother. Before an unappealing visit between the two, Pema went to one of her teachers who did also say when mom started in on the same old stories and complaints for Pema to ask questions around that. There was surely a lot about Pema's mother she didn't know. It's a great piece of advice and a way to shift one's focus away from one's own discomfort (self concern) and onto caring for and learning from another.

[@dbencic]

What a beautiful podcast! I love listening to you both discuss the topics!

[@bethra.flowers]

❤ Except, Question 3 response: I can't agree with the bartering bit. Bartering is not a pure, loving, desire state. If I want something from someone and then feel angry or even irritated when I don't get it, then that's a huge problem. It's an emotional demand. I can live in a specific frame of life according to my personal desires and if my partner does not want to live in harmony with my desired state, then I need to decide for my self if I want to stay in that dissonance. It will have an effect on your current condition. You have to decide if it is worth the cost to shift or be prepared to leave the space. Specifically, Love is a GIFT which can be given and received but never demanded or expected. In my opinion, this space of bartering IS the definition of codependence. A to Q 4 is linked: Expecting or desiring external validation and acceptance is a lack of personal responsibility for my own needs. I feel that we all have the innate capacity to love and accept ourself. When we neglect or reject our personal responsibility to develop our autonomy we in effect, give away our power to others to often manipulate and control us. for example if I need others validation for a creative endeavor, then what happens in my life when I don't get it? I would only engage activities that got the attention and validation therefore not engaging those activities that I truly desired thereby limiting my soul's expression in all areas of life. Could this be the root cause of mental illness and suffering we currently see in our culture?

[@peacefulisland67]

It's funny the mother/daughter question came up. Pema's story is even more relevant. 😇🙏👍

[@tmi925]

Omgosh.. what an amazing process @RickHanson gave us. I've never heard suggestions, in that way, regarding focusing on what u want for yrself.. using the in breath and the last breath! Idk.. it just blew my mind.

[@kirstencarr9034]

I love this podcast.. super helpful! Thank you so much!🙏🏽😀😀

[@mitaganguly3948]

God .....between me and my relationships with my daughter, husband, mom and most imp myself every single question is pertinent. Loved this episode. Will watch again with daughter and husband(if willing). Every answer applied to and addressed some ongoing problem...😮. Sometimes just therapy is not enough so thanks for the second opinion. Totally and fully subscribed to sanity. ❤ Some interesting pts. Seeking therapy or anything mental health related is still taboo in many cultures, even if you're born and brought up in the US e.g. if you have a mental health record you don't get a good marriage, job etc etc because you're nuts etcetc so internet , books, other resources are often the only direction to stability and sanity for many so thank you Tara, Rick, Forrest, Eckhart and all the people who are such a help. Good therapy is just not available in some countries and I have seen a whole country decline because the collective mindset ( or collective consciousness as Eckhart puts it) is unconscious or prone to other forms of propaganda so the more good programs out there the better. My country is constantly in a state of shame averse so the risk taking mindset is just not there and despite being super smart the innovations that need to happen don't...the students are just not trained to think for themselves. FOF....So imp to get emotionally intelligent early on.

[@peacefulisland67]

In finally being guided toward the idea of codependency, I've done some work on it. Lacking a sense of self, that foundation to jump off from, I've always depended on others to signal how I should feel moment to moment. It's reasonably easy for me to be objective with (so far) and a sense of autonomy is actually quite encouraged. Hope is central as well as community and support. As to enmeshment, the last decade I've worked my way out of family for the most part. Something in me (God) wordlessly and intuitively let me know it was time to stop forcing relationships where there was just an overwhelming amount of unprocessed abuses, and most of us have limited if any ability to face it. Sometimes trying to help others into reality causes more harm and if one is not capable of overriding old tendencies, they can be pulled right back into the fire they escaped from.

[@tmi925]

My avoidance tendency now, happens in the beginning. I used to hang for a bit.. but now, I can see how I stop the success before it even started. :( love this/..all yr vids! ❤ 😊

[@susannestanislaus5303]

Great material, you 2 rock! Thanks so much... I will integrate a few ideas.... keep doing this! Big hug over the ocean to both of you!

[@chocolatemonster949]

EMDR really helped me to stop reacting to my relative's behavior. And what's interesting, once I stopped reacting it changed the behavior! The pattern was broken

[@meb3153]

very well said guys. thanks

[@Birdmacher]

Oh Rick, update your definition of codependency/fawning response/obsessive caretaking please. The old definition of CD from the addiction realm is shaming and misunderstood, according to Melody Beattie who literally wrote the book on it (Codependent No More). I know you were on the spot, but it’s an important concept to be clear about because so many clients are experiencing the devastating effects on their relationships.

[@-beee-]

This is a great format! Thanks

[@susannestanislaus5303]

and.... the sum up L the end, very helpfull....💜

[@annvonbelow9934]

Thanks

[@CreativeArtandEnergy]

Sometimes it is a matter of accepting that the other person’s ideas of what is negative is something they may defend. Like my mom’s choice to listen to things that are like anti LGBTQIA or really doom and gloom. It’s un examined behavior so it’s better to avoid them about it.

[@zezezep]

def easier to not hear those negative opinions unless others particularly young people are being bombarded with them

[@Birdmacher]

I think you’re missing that complaining is often a manifestation of anxiety and insecurity and a bid for attention, relief, or validation. It’s not a great strategy, but I actually don’t think your other videos support the conclusion that “some people are just complainers” with nothing underneath.

[@jujubesification]

I know someone who is very negative so I can only take her in small doses. She grew up with a mother who suffered from depression and had to be institutionalized several times while she was growing up - so this did quite a bit of damage to her. She's been single for many years and just feels very lonely. She also compares herself to others and will throw it in my face that my life is better than hers so I have less of a right to speak or something along those lines. She also imagines all kinds of ways in which she is being wronged socially and doesn't speak up until weeks later, having walked around with anger for a long time. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't help her. I think she might feel better if she just had more friends and didn't talk about herself all the time and focused on everything that is wrong.

[@remydrh]

Absolutely. It often shows a lack of willingness to take control of their life or make decisions and that's rooted in the insecurity. If somebody at Taco Bell gives you the wrong order do you go back to the counter and fix it or do you sit in the car and complain about it and drive away? It's that type of scenario that I find most people who are incredibly negative are suffering from insecurity or low esteem and may have been abused as a child or in other ways to make them feel like that they have no power. It's easier to complain about something than to have the courage to do something about it. And for people with trauma that courage is there it's just under so many layers of helplessness that it can be difficult to deal with.

[@Oddity00]

how old is "early middle-age"? 15:00

[@ForrestHanson]

I'm 36. We're using that term very loosely.