Waje about Relationships, Male Friendship and Black Tax | Dear Ife Series Podcast

[@Winnie_ty]

😂😂😂😂😂 I have never left a comment before, but this one hit home. Good boundaries are very important. I grew up seeing my mom always giving, always coming through in one way or another-paying debts for my grandmother. She has seven siblings; one passed away, so six remain. Trust me when I say she supported all of them and saw them through school. Not even one of them helped when my mom was down, even up until now_even when my dad passed. one thing i can never forget in this my life is when one told me dont think when your mom passes i will take care of you and your siblings 💔💔 When she refuses to help, my grandmother resorts to emotional blackmail. And here we are-my mother has nothing to show for all her sacrifices. Her siblings are all doing well for themselves, but my mom once told me that her father warned her on his sickbed: "Don’t put family first at the expense of your own well-being, or you won’t move forward." If only she had listened and saved up for us, her children, I believe I wouldn’t be going through this at my young age.💔

[@OsadjeleRuthChioma]

You're absolutely correct

[@Eraoflagos]

This is so disheartening . I pray that her good heart will send helpers way. It may be hard at the moment but there’s definitely going to be better days for you and yours . Hang in there , sis ❤

[@omowunmiomotosho4012]

Your mum's good deeds will pay off. Being kind is great treasure.

[@Tomi_Adebayo1]

I am sorry you had to go through this. I can relate to this

[@ify4976]

Yeah, but not all the time ​@omowunmiomotosho4012

[@hrmhannah459]

I'm the 3rd born and Apostle Femi Lazarus' message on Black tax is what saved my life.

[@dakonwe]

I have a younger sister who earns more than everyone of us. And she’s a giver. 😂 I’ve taken it upon myself to remind her to enjoy herself! You’re not responsible for me or any other person. I remind her to set boundaries. As a first born I understand the pressure that comes with you just thinking because you’re in this position it’s your place to do certain things. I won’t allow any of my sisters to suffer that! I constantly check up remind them to rest! And even if you earn more than me I still try to do what I can for you. It’s a conscious decision.

[@bukolaseun-arije2545]

You are a beautiful and rare soul. God bless you ❤

[@dakonwe]

@@bukolaseun-arije2545 thanks dear ❤️

[@LifeLessonswithLau]

First born here and I agree with Waje: set healthy boundaries. There’s a healthy balance between generosity and self care. You can’t pour out of an empty cup; fill your cup first before you pour out to others.

[@jariatumichaellamarah2609]

The lesson I learned for always coming through for people even when it’s to give my last, is not for the weak. The way I cried and got depressed, when I needed help and there was no one there, and that if only I was saving what I had, instead of just giving, it would’ve been better for me. I have learned the hard way, and now I only give when I can, even though I’m still struggling, but I have decided not to overdo, and put myself first at all times.

[@adefunkeshonubi]

I just love this episode, I had to come back to watch it again after watching that of Debo. What resonated more with me is the fact that Waje met friends who are allowing her to unlearn the behaviors she had developed as a coping mechanism in her childhood. Often times when people experience difficult situations in their childhood, they develop unconscious coping mechanisms that may be unhealthy. Emphasis on “unconscious”. It takes intention to unlearn these behaviors and learn healthier ones, and much as her friends are providing that support for her, she has been intentional in remaining open and committed to the process. Because the truth is that “unlearning” can be challenging, difficult and emotionally dysregulating. So, kudos to her friends, and bigger kudos to her. 👏🏽

[@graceignatius906]

My own advice will be for now don’t allow any of them to come including Mumsi. Just send what you can to her until you are ready to let her in. Don’t fall for the guilt tripping,God gave you an opportunity to get a glimpse to know what it will be like if you don’t look after yourself

[@chukuamanda7258]

I need to sit more with Antie Waje. She couldn't empty all from her wealth of knowledge. I like that she's very realistically practically...pardon my semantics🥴🙏🏾 Great episode 👍🏾

[@bakaredamilola6198]

Lovely episode , waje is very self-aware and emotionally intelligent. As for the poster, please do not let anyone move into your home especially because they have shown you how they can be. Help with resources, if you can spare. Continue to set healthy boundaries and keep thriving

[@julianadaodu3385]

Topic, host , guest, and input were exceptional! Ife this is your best 'Dear Ife' yet. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@dee3098]

Finally, a podcast series I can't get enough of... Very balanced and rich conversations.

[@ameenasparkles]

Black tax is draining and we really need to talk more about it. Thank you Ife for bringing Waje!!

[@omodeleayobami1899]

Black tax kills faster than a disease I watched my grandma gave her all for her siblings all her life, at every point when she needed them, they weren't there for her until she died some years ago😢 Setting healthy boundary is very important I've learned to always prioritize myself ❤ Dear Dang writer, your siblings will sort themselves if you are not available, help them in a way that is convenient for you not at the detriment of your peace, life and reducing yourself 🥂🥂 To more greatness coming your way 🤗

[@Superb583]

I love the fact that she has decided to take care of herself.

[@omoby]

No please, do NOT let ANYONE come live with you. There is NO compromise. Your siblings would feed off you and ruin you. All your savings would go down the drain, and you see that house, they would never contribute to helping you pay the bills. Remember, when the tables were turned, they did nothing to help you. Help them from afar, please do not bring them to live with you. You did what was fair - giving them the platform to build - which was bringing them them in. That is enough. Face your front, please. It is NOT your responsibility to figure out how to earn a living - they are adults, and capable of making their decisions. Going forward, you have to continue to build healthy boundaries. Keep saying NO. Do not be guittripped or blackmailed, and if your boyfriend thinks that you are being mean, break up with him!

[@graceignatius906]

The same man will not marry her if she allows the family to drown her.she will say she comes with lots of burden

[@Eraoflagos]

This is it !!!

[@gloryoguegbu]

I love how you said “Keep saying NO”

[@JkaysCorner]

Nigeria needs a lot more people who are kind and respectful to others. Until that happens, we will continue to experience these painful experiences to others 😢

[@shesqueen_esther]

No one is talking about how it's not even the first borns only. Have you seen second borns that act like the first??

[@damzyo1217]

Waje mentioned that towards the end😊

[@lauraadoghe9366]

Some first born so lousy and selfish. Second is now forced to take the role. That one is topic for another day

[@fagbohunifeoluwa3155]

It’s not a first born or second born thing , so far you earn , I am the last born but they expect me to take up all responsibility

[@thewomenlatelyshow1816]

It is the most responsible child who is made to carry the load

[@zainabowoyemi]

This is exactly my husband’s story he’s the 2nd born and the 1st born is a girl omo the girl doesn’t send anybody ooo..Right from time my husband is the one acting like a senior .

[@BukkiTalks_]

Waje is so well-informed and intelligent ❤❤

[@OluwaseunYT]

@ife thanks for bringing waje.. could you please bring a guest that can share ideas of investing in diaspora specifically in US. Financial literacy

[@lovethibenekwu]

You see boundaries? I don't think Nigerian Parents know that(mother's especially) I remember my someone telling me that she is not going to bring her mum to her house because she doesn't respect boundaries... I wish all first born and the richest will always live for themselves first regardless....

[@EwuramaAbapa]

I love this episode. I really learnt a lot from this. I'm not the 1st born but i realise i suffer from this bailing out syndrome. Been learning in the past year or so how to take care of myself 1st before attending to the needs of my siblings and the home at large. Thanks for the insight Waje and Ife

[@omoyenisalami8342]

Fantastic Episode! And I love the different sitting arrangement and decor❤ BUT Ife, you forgot the pledge ohhh….

[@SemandeIria]

Anything the lady has she can give them ,I will not let them move in like Waje said ,please set boundaries. May God deliver us from entitled family members.

[@chinwegodwin6806]

When are we inviting Bovi, I have enjoyed all the guests so far, just would love to see Bovi and hear him give his take on these stories

[@bestchristopher]

Yes. He is a big community contributor

[@baisinbu98]

I loved this discussion on being practical with generosity. This is not only financial but also emotional and physical, including mental/intellectual labour.

[@murnafattihakyok6018]

So far, this is my best episode. This topic is so crucial. Wake is a bank of wisdom...🙌

[@zaynabjzubair1050]

I won’t compromise!!!!!she has done enough

[@nomsobekee]

I love Waje’s circle of friends. I want that kind of friendship circle for myself. The advise from both of you is spot on! Wholesome conversation ❤

[@christabellucy9051]

I applaud u Sweet Ife, u were not interjecting and that’s a sweet way of taking correction. Family will be fine so will I, make we Dey support each other from a distance. Learnt from my husband experience.

[@OfureAsotie]

First born daughter here, and I agree with Waje and Ife. There's just so much pressure and expectations required from you that you get carried away and forget to live for yourself. However, I don't think she should bring them, her mother specifically into her house, especially given their history. Unfortunately, most Nigerian parents/people don't understand boundaries or even take accountability for their actions and aren't really considerate of their children. They see it as their right to live off their children. The poster could go to work one day, come back, and meet her siblings with their stuff in her house to live with her because their mother said it was okay. I'd say she should help cushion their living expenses as much as she can, but not overly. Her siblings also need to put in the work, she cannot be their Messiah.

[@oluwaseuntemitope3964]

This discussion is great. The enabler n the enabled should know their space. Also, those enablers usually don't listen to advise at the time until they learn the hard way. I'm in total agreement with both recommendations from Waje n Ife, she should live her life.

[@zuleihaoyiza5494]

I love how waje talks! It’s so amazing🥹

[@julz9518]

Waje you said all that needs to be said. We firstborns dey see shege

[@jareya]

Wake spoke so wisely about the dangers of enabling people.

[@houseofgracetvchannel3269]

Am the third born but i take care of everything,my Big sister was trying her best ❤, after some time she Brought me to Europe, and then left everything for me😅when ever our younger ones call her, she will always tell them to call me, Black tax is really a big problem in Africa. 💔

[@chisomezeibe861]

Wow... Very eye opening, thank you for this series, Ife

[@TSHwithModupe]

Waje’s suggestions are 💯. What I’d have a family conversation on how I feel. Lay it all out, and let everyone know. So they know (or maybe not, up to them) that things won’t always be the same again. No one is taking advantage anymore.

[@midabexpress6554]

It’s not all the male child that leave the parents house early,I remember my mum telling me she can’t nurture a female child so I had to look for work to feed myself from age 17,not because she’s not doing well she just do not like her female children. May God rest her in perfect peace😢

[@olumideomolola8170]

Thank you Waje on sharing great insights on this topic. I recommend this books by Coach Wendy Ologe: Raising an independent thinking child, Raising a girl with sense and Raising boys you dont need to bail out.

[@francesjane3544]

Orange looks beautiful on you, Ife❤

[@diaryofanaijagirl]

Oh thank you!

[@victoryaduragbemi9324]

Love, love this episode so much! Thank you, Ife.

[@JkaysCorner]

Waje gave so much insight into how to cope with being the go to person so much. Thank you so much! Another important episode!!!

[@ginikaob6838]

This is my best yet! Waje spoke to and about me in Family and Relationship! 🙏

[@tongvou1]

Have you guys watched, "Last Year Single" and losten to all the soundtracks in that movie? Waje dey sing abeg. Ife is right about that description of her voice and singing prowess ❤

[@gracesblog7355]

Yes i agree Waje is great at what she does

[@gloryoguegbu]

Wow! I loved watching this

[@anu3975]

In my opinion, my mom won’t come live with me but I’d rather send a monthly upkeep to her in her son’s house but she can come visit once in a while

[@roselineagada1597]

It is okay to give but keep for yourself that’s deep ❤

[@chichiadaramola3641]

My mom’s first comment on this was NO!😂 She should not accept they come live with her. By the way my mom is 68 years old. She is not doing anything bad by saying no, she should prioritize herself always.

[@lauraadoghe9366]

Thank you Waje so many wise words learnt

[@Lilliane429]

😂😂😂 Awesome episode as always.. I learnt something 'Black Tax' To our DANG sister, please allow them carry their challenge but you can help them in any little way you can. Letting them unto your house again is a big NO instead get them a place they can afford and please keep the place because they may get a place way above their pockets. To your mom, she can stay with and still visit your other siblings . In all funding your balance is important. Please maintain your stance on your decision because you know best, your mother would want to use emotional blackmail. Best of luck ma'am.

[@stephanieijeomaokafor9653]

Ife I love your Steeze and composure, It's the second time am seeing ur show but I fell in love with the very first video i saw you❤❤❤

[@oluwademilaraogunmokun4078]

A lot of info from waje& ife❤❤. Set healthy boundaries& don't look back because its draining from within, use redrawal syndrome& help when you have settled your important needs then gradually do what you can, it's true takers family, friends or foe don't have limits. They can dislike you for a while as long as you don't loose yourself in the process,👏👏🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤

[@priscaelebe2932]

I will not compromise! Parents can blackmail you , her mum will blackmail her to let her siblings come over and many more things. I'd rather rent them a place to stay

[@oladapofaith2219]

I learnt a lot on this episode ❤thank you

[@BekereFaith]

Amazing episode❤

[@anitaonyeiwu]

Waje did not miss anything out in this topic!

[@kikelomoarokoyo]

When she said my #1 you no go see… i immediately remembered the song “whether na #1 with MI” 😅😅😅

[@EverythingBoma]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@midabexpress6554]

I never have anything called parental care growing up,the little years I spent with my mum was just 5year and it was HELL😢till I find my way out. I helped myself throughout my senior secondary school

[@preciousken1652]

May God help we first borns,it is never easy

[@midabexpress6554]

Not just the first born child,do you know what it feels like to be the only bread winner of a family as the fourth 😢female child,no inheritance,nothing to rely on😢

[@ivyludovic]

No!! Your mum cannot come to stay because she will continually get on your nerves to help your siblings. You can assist financially a bit for a very brief period within your comfort zones financially. Your house is your safe space and your family is entitled. Stick to your decision. Good luck!

[@girlmellaceus]

Agree. Unpopular opinion but a bail out mother can be highly manipulative. S my

[@victoriasunmomi3162]

You can not keep pouring out from an empty well. I can relate to this and I already made my decision to let people be and let them figure things on their own. Black tax is killing us, and we don't have the street to say No most times

[@obideyifunmilayo5716]

Great work there Ife

[@bolanlesoares2514]

They want to move in for "soft life". They should live according to their means. If you must help .... family therapy first " a conversation to unpack the last 20 years must be had ". Then firm boundaries, help them for a bit - say 6 months with a smaller accomodation.

[@AkinnayajoNike]

Sweet combo

[@fatunmbioluwadetan7911]

It’s ok for you and I to fight but it doesn’t mean that you hate me or I hate you It’s ok to decide I don’t want to talk about it now but I must talk about it as some point Waje24

[@Rosaninyei]

IFE....thank you. Women DO NOT take responsibility for their actions or bad behaviour at all.

[@funmieal]

What brought about First Born Tradition - RESPONSIBILITY + OUR PARENTS.

[@Eraoflagos]

She should continue to choose herself and not look back !!! If there’s anything she wants to help with at all she should give them the money and tell them she has bills to pay too. People are wicked and don’t care so far they are not the ones having problem . They should all get out and sort their problems !!!

[@bolajiowoseni1832]

The mother should stay where she is. She is 36 yrs, when is she going to plan her life. If she doesn't have a bigger house, would they want to come stay with her. Everyone should stay where they are.

[@atsegwasigrace2117]

Ife well done on this series. Honestly this was so beautiful and more enjoyable than the previous. I love how peaceful and calm it was. Also this issue of black tax isn’t only first borns o have you seen 2nd borns like myself? It’s crazy honestly and everyday I pray God provides for everyone so the burdens can be taken off my shoulders. It’s not easy! Thank you for this episode

[@maxwellosas94]

If I were to be in her shoes, none of them will come close to me, because I have done my part by bringing of them to Canada! She should focus on her life and relationship, she's old enough to have her family too!

[@jhanechinwe2091]

First of all observation, Ife no pledge o for this episode

[@HajaratIbrahim-i2b]

story of Lara in the smart money women movie

[@Somi.O]

Letting your mother in will definitely open the door for emotional blackmail because it's obvious she's the chief enabler and she doesn't even know this yet. Please do not let anyone back into your home, support with what you can from a distance. My 2 cents advise. I wish you well ✌️

[@iyiolaodumosu]

I'm so early😊😊😊

[@Kanyinsolax]

My faves ❤❤❤❤

[@spixcey4456]

Waje!

[@bestchristopher]

I will let my mom move in after having the talk. And omo if the siblings mistakenly move in, na every 3days i go de remind unna of your bad character😂

[@AnnaNanfe]

Ife can laugh ehhhn 😂😂😂😂

[@goobyparks]

Something is telling me that Waje is a TIP yarder 🤔 coz her words and perspectives are screaming “The Intention Parenting Academy” 😁

[@otailkuohunene]

❤

[@chileetemah9782]

Those siblings should stay where they are

[@bolaadekoya2867]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@The_Abasiama]

I won’t let them move in with me. I’ll help from afar.

[@okaforabumchukwu7316]

💃💃💃💃

[@mayowaonaolapo3775]

Hmmmm I think she shouldn’t allow the mum stay with her. There’s a high chance she’ll start guilt tripping her and I don’t think she needs that in her space. I’d say she should get her mum a place to stay (of course a place that she can easily afford for her that won’t affect what she’s doing for herself). If the rest of the siblings like they can go and stay with her.

[@Bintu-c7k]

No she isn't too hard. Let them stay in their houses. When you were down and they didnt help you did you die? They'll survive. They'll distort your structure if you allow them come live with you. Even your mum dont let her come leave with. Leave all of them alone. Help from your afar

[@firdawsalaga3919]

I think they pretend not to see.

[@cesakanbi5154]

Never!

[@etukseno1513]

Ife you forgot the pledge

[@diaryofanaijagirl]

I did. It was excitement. lolll

[@laylaajiun935]

Please don't allow your mum to come

[@favourifunanya938]

She should help from afar, get them a job and pay their first rent.

[@AnnaNanfe]

Ife can laugh ehhhn 😂😂😂😂

[@bestchristopher]

I will let my mom move in after having the talk. And omo if the siblings mistakenly move in, na every 3days i go de remind unna of your bad character😂

[@otailkuohunene]

❤

[@otailkuohunene]

❤