How do you deal with the EMOTIONAL HANGOVER after narcissistic relationships?

[@PenninkJacob]

I'm a cardiac nurse- there is a condition called Takotsubo Syndrome- literally translates to broken-heart syndrome. The word Takotsubo comes from a Japanese fishing trap shaped kind of like a pear. In Takotsubo syndrome the heart changes shape (in a bad way) to the shape of the fishing trap, that's why it’s called that. But people literally die from having a broken heart caused by abuse... it is real... it's not even new, its old and well established... I have had these patients...👍❤❤❤

[@jfdc8432]

Thank you. Very interesting.

[@Cthomas5678]

First time I heard of this there was a woman at work and the police came and had to tell her that her son was killed in an accident and she a heart attack right there they had call for an ambulance 😢 if something had happened to my daughter I’m sure my heart would break as well. So sad

[@jodycasey6936]

Wow That’s intense. Thank you for sharing.

[@dawn7733]

The good news is that it is a temporary condition: "The condition is temporary and most people recover within two months." Source: St Vincent's Hospital Heart Health

[@DebiSternberger]

2 months may be feasible for a medical condition, but an emotional broken heart may last a lifetime. Some never recover from the wounds of narcissistic abuse.

[@SuzanneLegendre]

‘Feeling crazy’ is truly the worst ‘gift’ the narcissist leaves you with

[@OingoLove]

Oh my God this is me

[@bereal6590]

100%

[@kayastarlove]

They make you feel like your not who you are. It's crazy m they make you think your feelings are t valid

[@tinarustman8832]

Absolutely!! He made me feel crazy when I asked questions to the point I went on medication…

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I feel like it’s not just a broken heart from narcissistic relationships, it’s a broken spirit psyche and emotions, that make it hard to function in life and feel normal or healthy. So grateful for all I’ve learnt here. Reminding myself it’s not my fault and not who I am. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@BaraSchmidt]

OMG! Spot on! 🧡

[@NancyBrown1975]

Narcissists also give us a broken brain.

[@bereal6590]

So true. They break you into pieces. It's really sick. My father cares for nobody except himself has a pretty easy life but he is a whining toddler. Everyone around him is sick!

[@bels4116]

💯 spot on.broken spirit!

[@Jessecraft1954]

Thank you Doctor Ramani. Emotions. Flashbacks. Fear of connections. And Sting sings If I lose my faith in you. One of my favorite songs. But the fear of getting hurt.

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

“From fear to disgust is a pivot.”

[@Thesolarmisfit]

So true

[@Summer_Harvest]

As it should be.

[@TraceyThiele-kv5gj]

Brilliantly put ❤️

[@MsTaylorsArt]

I tend to wonder if I'm wrong to be disgusted by their behaviour? Maybe I'm being mean and maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm crazy like they imply..... My wondering this is not a lie. Sorry had to end with that one...couldn't help it.

[@Thesolarmisfit]

@@MsTaylorsArt it's not you! I encourage you to read that book by Dr. Ramani

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

The narcissists called me crazy for standing up to them, keeping boundaries, and telling the truth. Reminding myself it’s not true and not who I am. Taking myself back. So grateful for this community. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@mollykayramstack6193]

@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 Same here!! It was amazing to learn about projection as I truly thought I was going insane! Mine would use pet names along with his screaming rages: "You are fucking crazy honey! You are a horrible, abusive woman honey!" Such a mindfuck!! Taking ourselves back!! Yes!! We can do it!!

[@magicbuns4868]

@@mollykayramstack6193 Projection was one of those things I learnt that unravelled what my parents had done all my life - calling me a compulsive liar. I've learnt to be very wordy, and over-explain myself, because they kept looking for excuses to punish me, because they couldn't stand that I was autistic. Evil people.

[@skylarmontgomery6181]

Same here. Realizing that she kept bulldozing my boundaries and darvo'd me every single time I pushed back was what really opened my eyes to it all.

[@TheRater3]

I was always a big book reader. While i was in the 7.5 year relationship with the narx, I could never relax enough to read. Now that I'm out, I'm back to reading again.

[@madelainerogers2392]

I stopped playing music but now I am again now that I’m out 😊

[@annadias243]

I’ve been going through the reading bit. I have to try really hard to read a book or listen to the music I like. I even stopped going out to dance because “can you act your age”. Fml sigh

[@mariefriedmann3203]

30 for me

[@goddessalexis]

How did you stay strong when the love bombing starts when they see you moving on and getting stronger. I'm so devastated that I wasted 15 years of my life and lost everything to be with a person who can play these games and watch me crumble right in front of his eyes. I try to block him but I always get weak bc he knows exactly what I wish he was and he knows my insecurities. I just wish I could forget he ever existed. I feel like it's never going to end and I'm going to be in pain forever.

[@gailmarinagiunta]

Wow relate to the reading thing. I am reading by the classics again and can actually focus and relax. Luckily movement for me and listening to music that brings me joy remained

[@youngblood8540]

It's a full time job with constant overtime, no breaks or benefits.

[@MelW669]

Yes, it’s indentured servitude into the land of confusion and self-doubt.

[@Thesolarmisfit]

I felt so crazy that checked into a mental hospital...i was hearing his voice, i was visualizing him, i felt him when he wasnt there...i thought wveryone was trying to get me or kill me... It was the worst experience. 9 months later with constant therapy and journaling i learn so much... I have weeks and months of great moments and then i have the dark days out of nowhere.

[@Michelehoffman-q7c]

You hang in there Cory. It gets better in time and you're doing all of the right work. Prayers for you, Warrior.💞

[@riablakemore7387]

I can relate so hard to this, had a very similar experience

[@geese.with.knives]

I left her in my place in July & have seen her a couple of times since. Tommorow, I'm supposed to meet her for the keys to the house & I've been anxious throughout the day.

[@oceanwoods]

Dr R is the ONLY person who gets it You are saving my life

[@EttaJames-g6c]

No it's a well documented, well trod trail. It's a thorougly documented cluster b personality disorder with well understood characteristics

[@tonibusler6833]

I just broke up with my vulnerable narcissist yesterday. He is also enmeshed with his self righteous narcissistic mother. I’m tired of feeling like everything is my fault. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without watching/listening to Dr Ramani!

[@leonablack3516]

Keep strong. You don't need the drama. Block and No contact is the only way to recover. Dont feel empathy for the demon. Feel empathy for yourself ,pamper yourself ,love yourself ,you are worth more than to let a crazy maker and his mother destroy your life, your health . You need to remove all toxicity ❤ I wish you many blessings.

[@alliwarwick5590]

I blocked the mother, brother, sister-n-law and everyone who enabled him. The triangulation between the narc and his mum was unreal. Now she can have her son all to herself!

[@WistleWhileYouTwerk]

Block everyone that knows each of them

[@sharicoburn5475]

Congratulations I'm proud of you

[@debbiedegenhardt9287]

I am divorcing my vulnerable narcissist. So tired of the blame shifting and crazy making. So lonely from the isolation. 😢 it has gotten to the point where I had to choose between death or divorce. I chose divorce.

[@valeriesabb6717]

Not so much a broken heart…..even though that exists….. it’s a broken mind. Four years out…. Doing way better. It’s reminds me of someone being in a war. War is not a part of normal life……… being involved with a narcissist is also not part of normal life. In my dental practice I have talked to many many people. Men and women who have been to war carry that experience in silence. I feel like that….although I have done well with my recovery……. Only I know what it was like…..like soldiers,,, only THEY know. Much love and respect to all who carry this bizarre experience. High praise to Dr R. For her most valuable work , commitment and passion. You are loved. Thank you always.

[@MelW669]

Yes I was thinking that - they don’t just break your heart, they break your mind. I’m five years after my divorce and four months out of another narcissistic relationship and still having physical pain from the heartbreak. Still actually grieving so much.

[@troyw.5101]

This comment by you reallllly struck me hard…. You made me really understand something…. As a 23 year veteran, I remember almost hating myself, after finally leaving my narc for good! I even still want her back, but never I can do! So still being stupid…I said how can someone who had been to many wars, lost so much, and is still suffering from that, and thought I found someone after, who knew me and would help me get through the bad dreams and make me happy again…. The “caring” and love bombing in the beginning. It was exactly what started to heal me. And then…. And now…. About a week ago I said to myself: I want to go back to war. I meant it, and still do. I don’t understand why I meant still, however. And then I read your comment, and I realized I just came out of the worst war ever. At least I kinda understood actual war. I knew my job, when I did right, when I did wrong, I understood loss and pain; at least there was a logical explanation. I understood why I had post symptoms and how I could eventually heal. But this pain…. It makes no sense! I don’t know how I was stupid about it! I didn’t even volunteer for it! I see no way out! I’m afraid of myself now because I still don’t know how I let it happen; I don’t trust my own decisions anymore. But you helped me to understand why this is worse personally to me. Because it was a war of only my heart and brain with ONE woman, who was supposed to have loved me, not a horrible enemy. This pain I wouldn’t even want for an enemy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the very best.

[@mollykayramstack6193]

25:10 This is unfortunately so true... I've been out and away from him about 6 weeks now and it's a rollercoaster. One day I'm happy and relieved, the next I'm angry, the next I'm sad. Some days my feelings change by the hour. I'll burst into tears so randomly - cry for 10 minutes - then stop, like I'm slowly releasing all of the built up frustration and stress bit by bit. Yesterday I was just exhausted from everything, including the move out and just didn't have the energy to unpack another box, do any work or adult in any capacity. For 2 hours I tried to take a nap to no avail. My mind just kept going and spinning, which then frustrated and exhausted me more. I'm looking forward to the day my mind, body and spirit have finally rebalanced.

[@doriswhyte1931]

I left husband 8 weeks ago. Same rollercoaster as you and it’s giving me heart palpitations and fluttering. Dee

[@Cthomas5678]

You just need to stand strong I’m sure once you stay away you’ll start to love yourself and your home will feel better!!

[@leonablack3516]

You got to remember none of it was real they were acting , they wear different masks for different people, they steal your traits , they fit in like a camileon. It was never love, they faked it , they mirrored you , you don't need the vampire taking your health,energy and living in your head. Dry your tears pet they were fake and groomed you . Block, no contact is the only way, the longer you let the demon in the worse it will become. Start healing now, Pamper yourself, love yourself , I send you many blessings❤

[@leonablack3516]

​@@doriswhyte1931I send you many blessings , leaving is the road to recovery. Stand and walk tall pet , have empathy for yourself not the demon. ❤

[@mollykayramstack6193]

@@Cthomas5678 Thank you so much!! Stand strong, I love that!! 🙏🏼💖🙏🏼

[@ca5417]

"It's not you" is so true. Because of their super fragile egos, narcissists will create a problem when there is none, just to feed on it. Others having a good time feels like a threat. The longer it goes on, the more out of control they feel. Like breathing, they need to be the center of attention, manipulating the emotions of everyone. Hurting people is easier than making them laugh. It is a huge dose of narcissistic supply for them and it immensely satisfying. They cannot live without it. The must destroy everything. In a relationship, you are what the destroy. You cannot be right, good or acceptable in any way, because it is a threat to their ego. So they will systematically 'undo' everything about you. Your entire 'self' is dismantled. Every molecule is contaminated by them. Through NO fault of your own! Ramani is healing us all!

[@rachelq0077]

When Dr Ramani said "How did my life turn into a Lifetime Movie?!" I stopped in my tracks! I have said this for years! All I wanted was a kind & loving & giving relationship, instead every thing went twilight zone, upside down, with me doing all the giving & receiving all of the varieties of Narc & Sociopathic abuse. Luckily, I am slowly working on healing. I absolutely cannot be alone with my thoughts. Instead I play happy Hallmark movies when I am trying to fall asleep. No scary commercials are played, & the movies are light & cheerful. It continues to amaze me how so many of us have experienced the same types of abuse, & that our minds & bodies have all acted so similarly!

[@sharicoburn5475]

Same here I only play light-hearted sitcoms at night going to sleep

[@troyw.5101]

“I absolutely cannot be alone with my thoughts” anymore either…. Think I’m really going to be crazy after 15 months of hiding away from people and life. It’s like she is still killing with emotional poison that takes years to finally get you, even after you finally left them. I tried that Hallmark thing…. Realized I’m actually much more romantic than even I thought. But all the love and happiness actually made me feel…. Stupid. How did I not see it! For so long! Why I can’t find that real love again? Just don’t know anymore.. I’m glad you are working it out. Stay strong!

[@rachelq0077]

@@troyw.5101 I found a good trauma therapist who understands CPTSD & Narc abuse. I had other therapists that didn't help. You will know you have found the right therapist bc they will give you tools that work for you, & you will see improvement. I was terrified to leave my house after all of the abuse. Now I can go out. Nothing is perfect, but it is so much better. I still don't trust anyone, & that is OK Step by step

[@Candy-O1776]

I told my Mom that it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart, and asked her if she ever felt that physically, like I did…she said no.

[@MelW669]

I feel like someone is squeezing my chest. I just got hit with another round of grief four months out of this long distance relationship that didn’t even last all that long but it’s literally physically painful.

[@QX-xq5uj]

And like you say dear Dr.Ramani, it takes time to heal. Ruminating and anxiety are still part of my emotional hangover although I'm not feeling "crazy" anymore since I left forever.

[@irenejankowski4247]

I am now able to recognize when the anxiety fed rumination cycle starts up. Being mindful helps; use breathing techniques has been so beneficial. Meditation has become much easier and is sometimes how I fall asleep at night(with relaxing music or a descriptive passage about nature or scenery accompanying this). Grateful to Dr. Ramani for helping us heal and offering validation after years of having none.

[@user7-o9w]

As someone who struggles with anxiety, relaxation anxiety is so relatable as even when I try to ease my mind off of things, my mind begins to overthink and catastrophize trying to remind me of what’s gonna go wrong next, handing me a list of imaginary problems.

[@viviankirkham1677]

You're not alone. Let's remind ourselves we'll be okay.

[@paradiseacres9724]

Yes!! Especially when I wake up at 3 a.m. and then I can't fall back asleep. I am exhausted!

[@Mastersonforever]

My narcissist husband tried to kill me I ran he committed suicide and I felt upside down in the ocean. Crazy fearful abandoned. I did a lot of codependent studies and it’s been 2.5 years and I couldn’t understand the fear … I loved when you asked what would you do if you were not afraid!! What a mind shift!! I picked up so much insight from this video I’m feeling the change I need! Thank you!

[@ps123fan]

hmm... seems like people will always feel uncomfortable around others to some degree

[@wendybell5651]

So sorry to hear that Masterson, I can relate ,yet happy you got insight, love those little happy bursts 😊

[@flightmama3191]

Not only abusive in life but leaving U questioning everything....U didn't deserve that but proves how selfish he really was. I pray U continue to learn about this abusive relationship, it's helping me after five months ago mine kicked me out of the house 42.5 years, He's continued his abusive narcissistic rants and killed my chickens and my cat after crashing the car on purpose ❤❤

[@DominieRobinson]

The Heartbreak is REAL,....Over and Over. ...and Over Again, as Long as we Stay with them ...!

[@ClancyKeegan-f4v]

I'm surprised I'm still alive! I've survived so many abusive relationships with so many narcissistic people. God is good 🙏

[@hunteruccellini7531]

just having another human talk about the possibility of this being an experience that somone can go thru is so helpful ms ramani thank you

[@makaylahollywood3677]

My mother said “you’re not going to put me in the nuthouse” to our NPD coersively controlling father. She eventually divorced him in 1982.

[@Snivebyram]

Absolutely have been there. I have difficulty falling asleep, and tend to be chronically sleep deprived.

[@DeborahOlander]

Moments when I achieve quiet without intrusive thoughts are few but are each a precious jewel. These moments tell me I can heal and come back to a place of peace.

[@samia6888]

I feel bits and pieces of that too, it reminds me of the good moments in my childhood (probably because as a child you are always in the moment) and it feels great. I can’t wait till the day I am fully healed.

[@DeborahOlander]

@@samia6888 I wish upon you all the healing and all the peace and joy we each deserve.

[@sandrajarvis]

This is so true - there are broken hearts then there are BROKEN HEARTS after leaving a narcissist. This shit is real, it hurts & there’s not another pain like it. 🥵

[@marysisak2359]

Two narcissistic people saw what that thought was the opportunity to hover me in. For once I did not think I was the crazy one rather I thought how delusional do these people have to be to think I want them back in my life? Now that is progress.

[@marylessis9376]

This makes so much sense!! Feeling crazy is so overwhelming… when you grow up believing your the problem because nobody is giving you reinforcement love they are constantly gaslighting you and making you crazy . Then you gravitate towards what you know and you continue the trauma.. and then because fortunately for me, I was feeling so crazy. I had to go to counseling and I had a lot of crazy counselors. Also, I really do appreciate these makes so much sense.

[@bereal6590]

Same here. My parents, nex, and last counsellor and medical trauma gaslighting me. Work and jobs I 'chose'. All stems from my father and mother. I saw it yesterday very clearly in my father, who he is at the core and what he does.

[@bels4116]

Dr Ramani, so spot on, it's the feeling crazy, it wasn't just the affair, it was the toxicity and madness, yes he destabilised me. I became lost, as you said dismantled. It's that that is the worst. I look forward to one day feeling sane, the me before I met him. Thankyou for your insight and sharing it.

[@denises7621]

I feel seen and understood by the whiplash segment. Having been diagnosed with actual whiplash syndrome by 3 neurologists, despite never being in any kind of accident. The physical pain was unbearable and all standard treatments weren’t working. Finally after 5 years doing physical therapy and even surgeries, someone suggested I have a somatic response to an emotional pain. The mind/body system is a real thing. I am divorced after 30 years of marriage, and only recently discovered the truth of my trauma. My neck pain is gone, having been replaced by occasional other symptom imperatives, but I understand what is happening, and the symptom leaves. Thank you so much for this information, healing is an ongoing process and I’m here for every minute of it.

[@AlessandraDurand]

10 months after a sudden and brutal discard, i need to be busy all the time, i am just retired, so tennis, swimming, yoga, pilates, zumba, listening to videos abt narcissism on you tube and how to recover, reading abt narcissism .. anything, rarher than be alone with my own thoughts!

[@samia6888]

I feel the same way but unfortunately I will never be able to heal until I face my thoughts, I am just prolonging my healing my keeping myself busy. I just want to feel better again.

[@jodyflores601]

I’m living this with my covet narcissist husband. My entire adult life has been nothing but whip lash. Married at 19, and here I still am at almost 47. My fibromyalgia was on fire flaring listening to this. What have I done to myself and kids not knowing what I was dealing with? F’d up, big time. 😞 Lord forgive me. 😢

[@CaterinaRivanor]

I'm soooooooo deeply in my emotional hangover, it's almost ridiculous. I can take only one day at a time to somehow manage my breaking up from my extreme vulnerable narc. And only today I received again a message of 100% baiting from this life time victim... I lost my dream of a future together, that was the toughest part. I let this person almost ruin me emotionally and psychologically and it happened by small steps, I almost didn't notice the harm before it was reality. I have gone no contact after the break-up on Aug. 5 so it has been more than one month now...

[@jodycasey6936]

Congratulations! This is wonderful news! You got this!

[@CaterinaRivanor]

@@jodycasey6936 thank you 🫶

[@BuckeyDooDoo]

Be strong and stay away. No matter what.

[@CaterinaRivanor]

@@BuckeyDooDoo I choose Life, I choose ME this time around and yes, I can stay strong this time around as my heart is convinced, too, that this is the end of the catastrophic relationship. Thank you 🙏

[@troyw.5101]

You sound exactly like me…. After 2 years and 2 days, I finally forced myself to finally leave my narc on August 20. It’s still so hard. And I still want the dream we promised each other. Am I that stupid???

[@5thlevelweb887]

Reading your book. It's very well written and empowering.

[@Jessecraft1954]

Think I saw the x sibling as I rode my bike thru the grocery parking lot. I didn't look back to check. Indifferent. Three years plus. Doing great.

[@jacobsed6665]

“Emotional hangover” fuck that’s the perfect way to describe it

[@benniecampbell3973]

The bigger the heart 💜 the greater the pain!!!

[@aileenlee7106]

It's amazing how hypervigilance can make us look like we have it so together.But the fact that we can't get to sleep and we wake up feeling uncomfortable shows how all that confusion dealing with a nar causes. Thank you for all your great talks.

[@nicoleferguson5961]

My whole family dismissed me, by calling me crazy. Even in front of my children. Don't worry about crazy me. I was more crazy when I stood my ground.

[@Sues007]

For some reason the only fear I have is I have no fear. Was born that way so I use my fearless personality to fight this. Thanks for bringing it up. For example Yes you can be fearless because after what they did to you? Now you should be fearless towards them because you are too mad to have fear. They deserve a Fearless You! That is what they need!! You to be fearless towards them!!

[@lynylcullen8370]

Anxiety relaxation… THANK YOU so much for putting it into words! Definitely my experience. AND the concept of just naming our surroundings when we want to practice “mindfulness”! I love that!

[@bereal6590]

Mine too. I thought it was just me! I can get more anxious at those times. I know where it came from and developed gad. Now I realise the gad was a direct result of primarily my father but also my mother. Worst part, they then pathologies me for it!

[@sandrajarvis]

This is where I live right now. I finally had enough!! I ended up working for his company too 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. BIG MISTAKE!! I FINALLY shut him down & took back my control and cut off all contact. That was in June and I’ve been piecing myself back together ever since. This is going to take some time. The lovebombing, gaslighting, dismissing intertwined with dangling carrots, was very effective to destroying my mental health. Thank you Dr. Ramani for this amazing content & your dedication to helping others understand!!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@darinsmith2458]

I woke up this morning and I allowed myself to feel a whole lifetime of not feeling safe... You said a lot in this video.. During Covid I had severe chest pain for over 3 years.. Once that pain went down it just felt so good to relax.. Even with the relaxation anxiety that you talk about it still feels good to relax.. I was listening to your video while playing video games while feeling my feelings.. I have to be in an environment that I can relax.. I would go fishing or go hunting or even go to the school or library so that I could get out of my unsafe home into a place that I could relax..

[@leonablack3516]

It's a process. Takes about 2years . Getting over the shock, the betrayal, fear, hurt, disbelief ,the trauma. Then having to deal with the after effects , I had a cycle of real bad luck afterwards in jobs in life in general. My energy was so low ,I was full of rage and fear . Couldn't relax , nervous system was shot. Over it now. Gained the wisdom. It is shocking the impact this has on you. Still feel pangs of anger that these parasites get away with what they do. Hopefully hell waits for them.

[@carolyn3950]

Yes my councillor says it takes 2 years. I’m 1/4 way through. ❤

[@jend6032]

Yes!!! I’ve been sacrificing sleep and mindlessly scrolling for fear of my thoughts. I’m grieving the kind of relationship with my mom I’ll likely never have. She’s taken so much for me and it’s weighing heavily on me as I come to terms with it. Having loved 45 years of my life thinking her erratic behavior is my fault, I’m struggling with what I’ve given up for her.

[@shellshelly5552]

Wow, does this hit home. The very hard thing is finally breaking it off and feeling sorry for “them”!!!! And then feeling so lonely. I have found writing in a journal has been so beneficial. When I have all those anxious feeling, I read back into my journal and find all the wrong that was done to me. It helps in the moment. I find myself just wanting normalcy. But, after a lifetime of narcissism, I don’t know what normalcy is. I’m learning through great therapy.

[@troyw.5101]

Perfectly said for me…. How can I feel sorry for them, and want them back still??? But I can never.

[@heldofhil7]

The concept of the relaxation anxiety is very helpful. Thank you.❤

[@Carol-lynnMulcahy]

I had this heavy anxiety yesterday when I got up on a quiet Sunday. Lots of grieving and dark thoughts. I managed to get showered and makeup on. Went out and took me and my dog for a nice drive and walk. I purposely moved slowly and practiced breathing and taking in the beauty around me. I did improve but holy I was sure scared of my anxiety. More than usual. My dog helped me alot

[@Snowfoxie1]

There’s a passage from a book my teacher read to my class way way back when I was in middle school. I can’t even remember the name of the book, but it said that there are 2 things the eye never tires of watching: running water and flickering fire. More than 20 years later, watching a candle flicker still soothes me and eases me into mindfulness ❤️

[@amyctay]

Relaxation anxiety…I was describing it to someone recently as like when you deep clean your house, and there’s always that stage where it’s messier than it was before it’s beautifully put back and sorted. If at that stage we were in a place of not knowing or remembering what we were doing it would upset us, all that mess, not realizing that it was in stages of clean. It’s uncomfortable, we think about all we have to do instead of all we’ve done. That our patterns are so used to one way, the new way can be very uncomfortable, feel wrong, when it’s just a stop on the path to shift how we think.

[@NataWe]

Thank you, really needed to hear that what I’m going through is normal and not crazy or my inability to bounce back. I just need more time.

[@420lisia]

I wish I could give you a hug 16min in made me start crying with you thank you Dr for all your knowledge and willingness to share it to help us your an amazing person and you deserve peace and joy and love !

[@KatieB-t2f]

I love how you put it all into words when I just can’t ! You have helped me so much

[@BetjeWolff-v2s]

It was in the nineties that I followed courses in Burbank on West Magnolia Blvd called: 3 in 1 concepts. A long distance from The Netherlands where I live. Using muscle testing to trace stress related issues. Often when I listen to dr Ramani, I think of the techniques that would work instantly, to defuse stress. This time I can not hold back. In a situation where you feel horrible when alone with your thoughts, you hold the front of your head and the back of your head between the palms of your hands. Very lightly, hardly touching your skin You let all the thoughts run through your head as they come, while consciously breathing. You will find the stress passes and disappears.

[@terrydyer2490]

WOW, this is one of the best videos explaining a narcissist. This is just a part of my long nightmare. My husband and I were mentally and verbally abused by our evil narcissistic demon of an adult daughter, For years. It got so bad that the stress cause an emotional breakdown for my husband, One day he started crying uncontrollably with him gasping for air ( this is a guy that never cried because of his upbringing of men don't cry ) He was asking what he did wrong on raising her to be so evil then he collapsed and took his last breath 4 years and 8 months ago. She always had anger issues since she was a teen, but we chopped it up as just being a teen and hormons since she seemed to be a very well-rounded person overall. We noticed the changes in her as she got older and thought she was bipolar. But it was too late for us to get her help because she was over 18. She wouldn't amit that she has mental problems and get help. By the time I learned about narcissism, it was too late. The trauma damage was already done. In those horrible years of walking on eggshells, she had us under her control because she was kicked out of her ex-husband's home for stepping out on him and the trauma she caused. She ended back with us because she was homeless and 3 months pregnant with another's man child. So, of course, we took her in. She was lying from the start, telling us her marriage failed because he was abusing her physically. I know different now. We tried to help her, going through her pregnancy and the birth, then she couldn't handle being a mother. She wouldn't do what a mother should do and we ended up raising our grandson until he was 6 years old. She hunted down for a new supply because my husband became disabled and we couldn't give her a free ride anymore. We asked her to start paying her own way because if she didn't we would end up homeless. That pissed her off, and she really got bad. She finally found a nieve 24 year old guy, 6 years younger than her, Within 3 months, she manipulated and lied to him and they moved in together. Then she trapped him by getting pregnant. My husband I ended up homeless with her stalking us and still messing with our heads using our grandson against us. Then my husband died. She destroyed me beyond repair. I have been abandoned by everyone,... She made sure of that with her lies.. I went no contact but it is slowly killing me from the inside out. I can't have a relationship with my grandson. I can't function anymore. I'm the one who is at fault somehow. And you know what.. I'm starting to believe I must be. I'm just a failure and a lost cause.. I can not heal . It hurts so much. I'm so tired of trying. I just want to die.

[@LadySamkeh]

Todays topic reminds me of the book... who moved my cheese ,I quote "Smell the cheese often so you know when it's getting old." "When. You stop being afraid ,you feel good " " The quicker you let go of the old cheese, the sooner you find new cheese." "Movement in a new direction helps you find new cheese " "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" Moral of the story , don't let fear hold you back ! Thanks doc R! Messages loud and clear. Hello everyone ! from JHB 🇿🇦

[@madelainerogers2392]

Thank you so much. It’s nice to know these behaviours are expected; every time I start to be hard on myself I listen to a video of yours and it prompts me to be self compassionate

[@R0S3inC0NCR33T]

The day my ex told me she didn’t love me anymore, I had a good cry and then went to bed satisfied; Finally, I was making the change that needed to be made. Three months later, after my ex told me that she had never even liked me, that she had been stringing me along for the five years we’d been dating, and that it was *my* fault for putting up with it so long, I was in a catatonic dissociative state for the next two days. Heartbreak hurts. It hurts like heartburn. Being made to feel crazy uproots yourself from reality, from your identity. It hurts like the world is ending.

[@JohannaVanDreumel]

So disrespectful Please Be Strong You are Worthy Empower yourself

[@danazaruba268]

So much of this hits home. Relaxing is also about letting down one’s guard and when one does this, there is risk and vulnerability. So even if the good moments, one is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like in a horror movie where a character manages to escape the bad guy and everyone in the theatre relaxes, only for the character to make a big sigh, turn around and BAM! The bad guy jumps out from behind the door and kills the girl. Everyone jumps in fear. Ok. We are so used to this formulaic scenario that now we know that even if that character avoids being chopped up, the next scary thing is just around the corner. So, relaxing fully is impossible and even if you are away from the narcissist, you still have to go home and face that I stability. So relaxing is dangerous One thing I’m curious about is addictions thrown into the mix.

[@bereal6590]

Wow, that's IT! Relaxing means letting your guard down and that's dangerous when you have narcs in your life.

[@marieborchardt2910]

Yes, the worst was the feeling "crazy" part. My good feelings about my relationship with the narcissist were basically over when I finally went no contact. My broken heart came about when others broke ties with me because of the narcissist. 😢

[@annadias243]

I can’t begin to describe how helpful this video is and how thankful I am for clicking on it. I thought I was going crazy. I hadn’t used Instagram for a month and now I was scrolling through out the day and doing everything I could to not be still. This was a stark difference from who I am, or want to be. I can usually sit by myself and have always enjoyed my own company. I’ve hated every moment alone since, and have spent it in self judgement and loathing myself for not being able to even do my job. Having a creative job and needing to think is the worst, not one bit of creativity has left me for the last three years. The list goes on and I’m exhausted. Pretty much surviving on watching these videos all day so I don’t have to sit with my thoughts. At least I’m not judging myself for being so distracted or needing it anymore.

[@helleslente8361]

Every morning…wake up to panic attacks. Can’t go back to sleep - ruminating…. I could enjoy the quiet morning, but instead I’m just panicking and dreading the new day, i.e. life…

[@LPoppy2023]

I feel I have worked so hard with understanding and handling all the narcissistic toxic individuals in my life finally getting a grip at 66 however, I find myself getting triggered profoundly triggered as I see what’s happening in our country, I find myself becoming very upset, agitated and weeding, through all the gaslighting and destructive behaviors of people in power is often at times overwhelming now learning how to navigate through all these toxic behaviors that surrounds us in the news and not reacting in a way that has me feeling at a loss

[@TrenaMoss]

It is very important to have at least one person who can be strait with you.

[@GenevieveFortin-i4z]

So freakishly accurate. You're talking my life!

[@troyw.5101]

No! I thought her videos were made just for me! She seems to really understand me! But I’m glad you feel the same. She’s great.

[@ingalillweidman3850]

Thank you for putting words on this crazymaking state I never had words for just felt the pain and loniless in the experience - recieving words and its a real thing!!!make it a bit esier to bear.Thank you for all your work 🙏

[@bingoandtoto]

scary thing is that this feeling seems like love or affection, because it is so strong. But it is NOT related to any kind of affection, or love. It is, the strong emotion bond, trauma bond does not contain any type of love or mind, any spirit. It is just the hunger for the true connection, true attachment. And the shattered of own ego, smashed the self image which is distorted in the abusive relationship. But if your parents are narcissists, all you know about love is this kind of illusion when your ego is smashed by their evil. That is why it has the extreme feeling.

[@mday3821]

Dr. Ramani, I watch a video you did on Medcircle where you stated survivors should do a hobby or a project; well, I redid two bedrooms, painted my wooden fence and much more and it has helped gain my concentration, slow my mind down, and helped break some of the rumination. Thank you, I couldn't have got through this without you.❤

[@benniecampbell3973]

I absolutely burn 🔥 with hatred towards narcissists because they put me through “PURE HELL!” for a solid thirty five years and when I went “No Contact!” Ten years ago I was still suck with the Aftermath of Trauma unable to come out of deep rumination, reliving the horror movie of my life knowing every line to the movie on repeat all day everyday!!! The pain from ruminating has been unbearable and paralyzing for the past ten years!!! I’m just now starting to ruminate less!!! For ten years I have been alone most of the time with my thoughts 💭 so I have depression and anxiety 😦 from narcissistic abuse!!!

[@deborahbailey8246]

He didn’t leave he threw me out of my life… as I knew it. It felt like he died and my child died. I will never forget that feeling I still cry when I think of it. It was maddening. My grown son did not know how to handle me or my issues or the situation. It has taken a long time to be able to get to the point it doesn’t wreck me. 🙌Thank You God

[@troyw.5101]

Wow…. You made me realize exactly what I’m so crazy and ashamed about. I was at least ok before she came into my life. In fact I was making plans for a new life in 3 months before her. 2 years later, I had to leave since she was cheating and lying and blaming me, but saying she truly loves me I was so stupid, she basically forced me to accept the fact that I put vacation, she would spend an hour on the phone with her ex, that I just caught her with, “because she needs him in her life forever.” And somehow I felt like I was bad for not ranting that! In 2 years I lost all my savings, all my dreams, fear myself for making such stupid decisions… Yeah, she didn’t leave me. I left her - but she kicked me out of my own life! Thank you for sharing your words.

[@pkswty]

I felt crazy for years until I realized how they kept rewriting the narrative. They don’t care about any other side than their own

[@wendybell5651]

Nail on the Head again Dr. Ramani! You described my main trauma response, and side effect of CPTSD, I do Not recommend quitting this habit cold turkey, because not only is your brain in "I'm in superwoman Go mode", your body is as well, so doing healing Alone, so as I was going through Radical Realization, Go mode has always been the biggest part of Me, I treat it like a bad addiction or habit, and Ween off, and once a day I will make myself sit for 15-20min, and do nothing, or until the army ants start driving up my legs, (restless leg), and work on focus, connecting my brain with my body, already having football players arthritis, at age 25, (I'm now 53), if I sit too long, my body stiffens up, and takes a few min to get moving, and then that triggers me, and I stress out on how behind I'm gonna be on getting things done, so maybe some research or ideas on how to navigate this stage? I've been trying things, knowing I have to slow my sh#$ down, but think I did something wrong since I have no motivation, when I do, I start a project, and loose interest,, and it doesn't get finished, cause I'm always playing catch up on priorities, then yes, causes me to Rage, also want to Give you A Huge shout out to You Dr. Ramani, I've been watching your KZbin for 2 years now, You Are Phenomenal, and I Love You! Thank You Thank You Thank You Infinity!

[@bereal6590]

My situation may help you. I got a do it up house then was struck with chronic debilitating illness. I've been through all the frustration you speak of. It's a truck very beryl long story of trauma and struck use but to cut it short I now think of things these ways; whatever I have or haven't done, it's good enough! I need to be slowed down because that's what works for me now and I deserve that (a thoughtful kind lady at one of my clinics gave me that when we were talking about how my mother is always pushing me to do more!), I write lists about nd then try to do one thing and cross it off. If I don't do anything else on the list I still praise myself for just getting through another day. At the end of the day it's not the destination, it's the journey. Ultimately were all on the same journey and me rushing around when im ill isn't going to make that journey imlln life any better. Doesn't work perfectly but certainly I feel a lot less bad about things. My days are about struggle every day, pressuring ourselves just messes up our minds as well. I remember abouts abouts kid the rushing and stress of going on vacation, I used that abouts nd to me it wasn't worth it. I wanted to enjoy the journey to the vacationm now it see life a bit like that vacation journey and that it's okay not to speed through it. I take time to smile and my cats antics and don't get so angry anymore. Rushing through life hasn't made my toxic parents lives any better any happier. I take my snippets of happiness whenever they come. The dishes don't get done, the house is a tip, it can wait ✌

[@Candy-O1776]

Thanks for saying that about the word crazy, not being nice. I’ve even been introduced to new people as crazy. WTH? It was to introduce me to a guy to date, that word drives me nuts. I was fun, took fun to frame times, and feel crazy sometimes, but to call me that to my face, destroys me.

[@Summer_Harvest]

Stupidity and demons are other words that can cause anger and rightly so. I mean we can't cry that every word in the language is problematic but when they exacerbate the problem with unhealthy name calling it is concerning.

[@rachelcarrillo9772]

Wow. That is NOT okay. The same thing happened to me and I know that pain. I’m sorry that happened to you.

[@mariehughey5390]

Relaxation anxiety, insomnia, rumination, hyper vigilance, have plagued me for nearly 20 years. This video has hit a grand slam of describing my experience. Emotional whiplash! Wow! Exactly the traumatic treatment I went thru for way too long. Seeing a therapist since last February which has helped along with getting exercise and changing my diet. Sleeping, rumination is mostly gone, avoiding stressful situations and people, I can relax.

[@ClickerTrainer1]

It's making someone else feel crazy in an attempt to avoid being responsible for their own actions by pretending that the actions didn't happen or didn't have the cause the actually did or that your normal response to those actions is abnormal.

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

That is a great point you are talking about. I started saying still meditation and activ meditation. Still meditation is just the way the most people know, sitting still and "turning off" the mind ... sounds easy, but isn't for the most. It needs training. On the other hand I use the term active meditation, doing something I can focus on that makes me feel comfortable. Activ meditaion requires physical activity: often not much ... Its an activity a person can easily focus an and calm the mind. It can be diamond painting, walks in the park, art MeetUps, ironing the cloths, painting, every art I would say, some can start to feel in things they did not do for a long time, because of the N-relationship ... or it is something one always wantet to do. Starteing alone or in a goup, like a still meditation is also a very individual thing a person can find out. All this is a very good way to gain back selfworth, trust, new routine, happy moments, .... Active meditation helps me a lot and has nothing to do with distraktion, still can be seen as it. Just like meditation vs. laziness ...

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom dr Ramani. Your advice is spot on.

[@pennienglert5771]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I have been in many narcisstic relations ships in my 72 years. Most recently two back to back very toxic bosses. Quit the most recent one a month ago. You have been most helpful in my learning to understand how I got to this point. (am also seeing a thereapist) Surviving an abusive gaslighting boss is a whole thing of it's own. "same but different"

[@ranjos75]

I just absolutely LOVE and APPRECIATE your REALNESS!!! I relate to and respect you more now then before. And I hope to see you or even work with you someday. You not only speak my mind, but now I know that you also experience my life, and your wisdom comes from experience. I already thought you were incredible, but now I admire you in a much deeper way. Thank you Dr Ramani!

[@michaelagifford3061]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your great insight. I am one year past the end of my ten-year narcissistic relationship. The lingering psychological effects are less but still frequent. My delicate physical health and fear mentality continues to negatively impact me on a daily basis.

[@janievila3541]

Dr. Ramani, your videos are what opened up my awareness of narcissistic abuse. Thank you. He left in April. I love these eye opening videos. It gives me hope that I can heal. All my heartfelt thanks.

[@lolxd9396]

Thank you Dr. Ramani, I completely understand what you are referring to and why a person goes through this feeling of crazy vibrating joy. I am going through this feeling and loving it. 🙏😊

[@youngblood8540]

I'm sure the very first song ever made (songs in general) was about heart break caused by narcissists.

[@ludmilaupeniece2426]

She is so good, the way she could explain relaxation anxiety 😦 I’m in awe of that it’s actually real what’s happening to me and I’m not alone❤

[@MsRobbiebob]

Oh.... the rumination!!! 12 months after finally getting out, I am still working ridiculous hours & then watch hours of E.R. re-runs & then play solitaire on my phone in bed till I can't keep my eyes open.... just so I can go to sleep! 😢 Healing is hard!!

[@Plumduff3303]

I was born unloved. im not sure what love is. My parents showed none.

[@Lomunist]

Thank you so much, Dr Ramani. You've changed my life. Because of you, I can see clearly now, for the first time in my life, how it truly has nothing to do with me. I can finally stop surviving and start living.

[@Riddlerj1]

Thankyou have found this helpful. All your videos are so helpful. I’m stuck in a nightmare and at times I don’t know how I can survive.

[@glove483]

Such Life Saving Guidance. THANK YOU.

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

My mind has a tough balance. Because I also am realizing I have ADHD and otherwise neurodivergent. So I swing between fear and impulsivity at times. It’s hard to find the balance. But this is so real. I have gotten better about relaxation anxiety, but I definitely deal with a great deal of it day to day from many aspects.

[@velindapoe]

Thank you!!!!! This is exactly what I've been feeling, and i have tried to explain these feelings, but i wasn't sure how.

[@AnnMarie-py5cy]

I am familiar with being ma de to feel crazy. The people who do this want to destabilize you to have power over you. I even looked in the DSM to find what my diagnosis might be. The demonic rages are horrible. I have gotten to the point of indifference with the really crazy people, the narcissists. Dealing with PTSD from it is lifelong. I am so grateful for your videos .They seem like a small miracle to me

[@kimrocheleau9981]

Lots of care to you Dr. Ramani. Thank you 💚🌻🌻🌻💚

[@420lisia]

I never talked to anyone about it at the time but I think for several months lost my mind rocking back and forth in the corner of my office crying confused arguing with myself about all you said and more it was so pathetic when I think back on it but it made me stronger knowing I already knew still makes me think I came out damaged permanently

[@MaoliosaParry]

My ex used to call me risk adverse! It used to annoy him about me. Although he always was the one to decide what we'd do or where we'd go. I just went along. If he was happy then that was a good thing. I found it very hard to make my own decisions without his input. Feeling a bit better day by day since he discarded me a few weeks ago. Glad he did it. Every other time I tried to take breaks he would keep contacting me to see where I was at. So it's best that he took charge this time. The peace feels good.

[@A2Zdogmd]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Much love to you ❤

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

The madness endured I can see creating a horror suspense movie out of the narcissistic bullshit I’ve been put through. Exactly, I did get a heart condition from the abuse. Years and years F years..and I still meeting narcissists, almost can laugh! Ty Dr Ramani !

[@NancyBrown1975]

I have recognized the fear response keeps me safe and understand the fear response is there. I don’t really pay much much attention to the fear because I know why its there and look beyond it because I know who the monster is. I put me on some detector glasses.

[@Micah7-8]

I so need more help and have not been able to get it. Nearly two years now and the horrific memories will continue to resurface. I was looking to get your book “It’s Not You” but need to wait until I can afford it. I appreciate the insight and have learned much. With past trauma and this being added on a spiritual level at that has now rocked me in ways I’ve not experienced a true Judas before 😢

[@susankeith326]

Ask your local library to get the book. My library can get books from other libraries in the area.

[@madelainerogers2392]

Audible has free trials I use that to download the audiobook for free

[@monbonica4362]

You look happy and healthy here, and it’s good to see.

[@agnieszkaponka2305]

Honestly, the worst part were therapists and psychiatrists. "What are YOU doing to make them treat you this way?", "I am giving you a reasonable, not emotional, solution that maybe YOU are the problem", "Do you have any other relations like this", "You're emotionally unstable", "You're being obsessive", "Maybe if you taked to them in a non-aggressive way", "What is it that you've been through? You call THAT traumatic?"