Don't Waste Your Love on the Unworthy!

Narcissist cannot love - but he also does not let himself be loved. His bad object feels threatened and resists it.
Love always ends in heartbreak, pain, hurt and abandonment.
Paranoid ideation and projection: love offered is not real (a fantasy) or it is fake and manipulative. It needs to be tested and probed all the time.
Love is for commoners, not for the exceptionally superior.
Love is dependency and neediness: dependency is risk and neediness is mortifying. It challenges the narcissist’s self-sufficiency (I don’t need you, see if I care).
Love is vulnerability and therefore dangerous and weak. It demands micromanaged and coercive control to avoid a devastating loss.
Love requires adult skills and sets the narcissist - the perennial abused child - up for failure.
Love requires emotional maturity, a secure attachment style, and a grounded center. The narcissist is an addict with none of the above: his only relationship is with his drug, the fantasy sustained by a constant influx of narcissistic supply.
Love requires the recognition of the Other. Narcissists are incapable of othering and feel threatened by the partner’s personal autonomy and agency, an external object gone amok and which threatens the inertly perfect universe of their internal objects.
Narcissists blindly devour and consume. They are mimicking parasites suspended in a sempiternal symbiotic fantasy, frenzily feeding off their successive hosts.
They push away and resist any attempt to love them. Their approach is acquisitive, their avoidance preordained by their need to reenact the unresolved conflict with a dead mother. They are automata, programmed with their own shame-driven compulsion, dummies to a self-conjured ventriloquist, the False Self. A seeking homing in algorithm gone awry.
Video presentation at the Addiction World Conference, San Francisco, September 2024
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store:
www.amazon.com...

[@TamikaTaylor-rl1im]

The more you love the narcissist the more he hates you😮

[@MariaCascalheira-sh9eq]

Yes😢

[@jonickol]

It's so true!😲😥

[@victoriousjoy9338]

EXACTLY!!

[@shiny7301]

Totally agreed 💯👍

[@Dazarabia522]

That's been my experience yes

[@lindatallon9217]

A narcissists greatest mission in life is to make your life more miserable than theirs...............😮

[@Verena101]

True.

[@lindatallon9217]

@@bradfaulkner9597 the narcs reading these comments and the exposure of all of them shrinks their supply sources .........

[@TraciDoering-hw8hu]

The more you resist his or her control, are independent, hold to your boundaries, speak your mind, have your own goals and much more, the more they hate you, seek to destroy, sabotage, manipulate and get vengeance. They own you and are entitled to do as they please to you. How dare you own your own life!

[@sherriflemming3218]

The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Safe People by Henry Cloud

[@Tov-h3v]

A Narcissist gets happy when their target is sad JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.

[@TallKulWmn1]

“Don’t waste your love bc if you waste your love, you will be wasted.” - No truer words can be spoken 😏

[@ralovant]

🙋‍♂🙋‍♂

[@mybeautifuljourney7540]

Damn!😮

[@mah3223alia]

I do not agree. My ability to love is mine...I don't really care whether it's accepted by the narcissist or not.

[@MP-nm9df]

Too late for me. Please believe every word Sam speaks.

[@pearpo]

@mah you make a solid point, and sometimes in actual humanitarian missions this holds true. Love is somewhat more personal. And humans are like batteries, they cannot only give and never receive or they run out of juice. There has to be a cycle 🔁 lest it is a predatory relationship. The issue with narcissism in personal relationships is you will be actively punished for your gifts, your kindness, your effort. Not ignored. But actively punished and destroyed. This is why it is such a topic..

[@christinawilson4155]

Wow...that was so bang on it was hard to hear. Yup...they consume you, test you, abuse you and act like nothing happened. Not wasting love is so accurate. I wish it hadn't taken me 15 years to figure that out.😢

[@orianam9835]

Be happy for your 15 years. Some people never wake up. Imagine

[@pearpo]

@christinawilson Agreed! Two things I marvel on is how much time and effort is wasted on people playing phone games.. millions of people spending thousands of hours to line up dots on a screen. The great waste. But then, after experiencing relationships with cluster b types, it seems an even greater waste of human potential and probably greater suffering.

[@cynthiapereira8403]

25 years

[@lindatallon9217]

Make sure you are with someone that had a happy childhood... Investigate their background first.

[@mammadingo9165]

Very true

[@ChloeJones-ne6ck]

yes and i also look at how happy or unhappy their moms are.

[@lindatallon9217]

@@ChloeJones-ne6ck I love how everyone is waking up and CONNECTING ALL THE DOTS........so you are NOT the next PUNCHING BAG.....☮️

[@mammadingo9165]

@@ChloeJones-ne6ck what about pompous and concerned with 'keeping up appearances '

[@puma5471]

I had a terrible childhood but I'm healing and respect the love I get from my lover. We are divided into two, those who heal and those who don't

[@PH7018c]

Bedroom commodity... That is what their partner or lover is to them.

[@mammadingo9165]

Yep any holes a goal

[@Itzanunnya2019]

When GAP, Homer MI insisted on calling me "Momma" in the bedroom..... my stomach flipped...... NO CONTACT.

[@Glitter504]

I had loved him like no other my whole life 😢but his abuse his cheating serially I had to walk away to save me 😔it killed me on the inside but I was almost dying with him anyways with all the abuse ..I have forgiven him but will never see him as I’m in no contact forever to maintain my life

[@PaulaSimao-ol5nc]

😢

[@katielung6515]

Amen 🙏

[@moscowcowboy_13]

Sorry this happened. Yes, you are correct- no contact!

[@sherriflemming3218]

Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer ( for healing)

[@jackz_stoned_again]

Yes,l understand.l loved him with my soul.l never felt that feeling for anyone else.He was a beautiful boy then man with adorable baby face that l wanted to protect him,loved him so completely as a child would.But he changed and started to hate me,l mean hate.He was so cruel.Where did my shy,sweet beautiful boy go?He was never real.Only the mean one was Real.My poor heart.

[@lindatallon9217]

You cant give what you never had.....

[@motionmuse5684]

Broke. Broken down and exhausted. He has sucked me dry. Not there for me when I needed help. On my own. I'm ready to move on, and rebuild myself❤. Just a taker. He wasn't there for me, just draining, pushes me away 😞 since I have nothing left to give, it's beyond hurtful. Same old story with him. I'm not going back this time.

[@miharu00]

yes! please do not go back and repeat what you have gone through already. I also have figured out at one day, if I'd go back, he would take it only the sign of my desperation not love. In a way it is true because I felt there was no one else other than the narc who I could connect so deep so he made sure that I was not with anyone else. If I was with other people, it means his failure so it cannot happen. So I know all this now and there is no way of going back!

[@jackz_stoned_again]

Yes,they fail you when you need them.They leave you in free fall with nothing there.Even as l held him l felt he was shifting sand through my fingers and under my feet.l believed in his future faking promises,his faux intimacy.The look of love in his eyes..he could take it all away terrifyingly overnight.l loved a phantom of my dream man who was only real to my foolish mind and heart.He drained me,made me ill.l never knew such people existed.Will the part of me that died ever return?

[@miharu00]

@@jackz_stoned_again I am sure you can regain what you have lost or the part of you that died. It happened to me in very similar way and another 'side effect' from the narc I just realized clearly was that I was not able to appreciate any other men nor women most. It was because I ended up having the similar view as the narc. So I ended up believing he was absolutely the best and I did not have anyone else that I could love as much as I loved the narc. The truth is this is only the narc's projection (introjection) of how I love him.....In fact I did love someone who was totally not the narc. I know the clear difference so this time there is no mistake, no contact is the way with the narc!

[@pearpo]

Good for you and best of luck. It is absolute torture getting away from these monsters. My family (and really people in power who pressured them) to manipulate and destroy my life, as a group. I wanted to think well of them, they were my parents. But they wanted to keep my life damaged and small to control and abuse me.

[@melissabrzescinski494]

You deserve real love. Don’t settle for anything less. No more lies and fakery. Big hugs to you.

[@JoJo-sl7jt]

This is heartbreaking. So sad so many humans are still hurt children. Says something about our world.

[@KnowledgeSeeker78491]

Only solution I see is to be an antinatalist

[@karadiberlino]

@@KnowledgeSeeker78491😂 That‘s a great word! Even Oshos says people who don‘t have kids deserve an award.

[@sherriflemming3218]

The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Safe People by Henry Cloud

[@iAmNothingness]

Narcs are deeply hurt souls that are misunderstood. We shame them that they have been abused. Imagine being one. You suffer mental damage because you are abused, and then you yourself are being shamed for being abused. This is beyond heartbreaking. That there is no healing for them is the most heartbreaking.

[@bettyfiamengo6008]

​@@iAmNothingnessmisunderstood, No Abuse my siblings are jealous and greedy ,they know what there doing ,just excuses to steal crap😂

[@onlydebra4580]

You get zero from a narc...and he is not capable

[@sherriflemming3218]

Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer

[@lindatallon9217]

Like trying to glue back a broken mirror....

[@llewmatthews4828]

During a walk by the sea I came across a woman recently divorced from a narcissist airline pilot. He'd been a serial cheater during their 30 yr marriage. She only found out at the end. He had no problem hiding his cheating. At the end of our 45 min talk I saw a glimpse of her pain, vulnerability and brokeness.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Compartementalizing. This betrayal really does a number on you. It's abuse. The entire relationship is a lie. Certainly infidelity can cause severe PTSD.

[@llewmatthews4828]

@sherriflemming3218 Some men can compartmentalize sexual infidelity.. and sex is just a thing, an experience, no different from a fine meal 🙃 but perhaps an element of addiction and compulsion. Seen it a couple of times with guys I knew

[@sherriflemming3218]

​@@llewmatthews4828 Yes, I completely understand compartementalizing.. Both genders can. Indeed addiction and compulsion. Academic studies are: 1. Family history - partially genetic 2. Sexual inclinations 3. Prioritizing physical attractiveness 4. Uncommitted mating 5. Narcissism is associated with infidelity 6. Sociosexually unrestricted 7. Cultural influence. 8 More physically attractive people tend to be less satisfied - more choices. 9. Other mental health disorders.

[@sherriflemming3218]

The Science Of Cheating-- Maken Murphy podcast The Mask You Live In Documentary

[@margodphd]

​@@llewmatthews4828Many people can treat sex as nothing more than pleasant exercise, separate from any deep intimacy, the entire activity being nothing more than mutual masturbation, physical and mental. I am one of those people. I don't care for feeling of ownership of my partner, I wouldn't feel jealous if someone simply slept with other person and we'd laugh and compare notes. That being said, I never cheated on someone who expected loyalty - not because I would feel bad about the cheating or because I care about loyalty but simply because I don't partner with people I'd want to see hurt, humiliated, in pain. The ability to dissolve connection between love and sex and compartmentalize sexual activity as if it had never happened has nothing to do with being a cheater. Cheating is a form of abuse, proactive or reactive. For someone to cheat on the partner you promised loyalty to, a desire to hurt them must be present although I have yet to see any man admit it. Women seem more introspective in that regard, their cheating often more an attempt to punish emotionally absent, uncaring partner rather than an attempt to satisfy own unmet needs.

[@WitchyHocusPocus]

How do you get a nacrcissist to talk about things in the marriage and to actuallly make an effort to be close so both can be happy? What do we do if the narc is not allowing themselves to love you!! They are not doing in actions to allow you to come together? They will not answer questions about their feelings about you, or the marriage, or to talk through things to be able to come together and to be close. Instead, they refuse to talk to you, they refuse to reassure you within the marriage that they love or care about you? They get mad, when you are just trying to work on things. They tell you to get away from them, they are not going to answer or talk. This is so................CRAZY IN THE HEAD!! How do you fix a marriage or relationship if they refuse to talk or do anything to fix it??? He acts like he hates me! For trying to be closer to him!! HATES me for trying to love him!!! This does not make any sense to my mind!!!

[@lorrainemead2292]

It doesn’t make sense but what you just said is a mirror image of my relationship of 44years so l should know 😢

[@mammadingo9165]

Why the narcissist love's you to death by Prof Sam Vakin...😢 Hard to hear but true 😢 your love should be going on you and those that can appreciate it . The more you show love the nastier they get .

[@nicolabenjamin2661]

Run! Why value someone that doesn’t value you. Never beg to give someone your love. And if they need to work to love you they DO NOT love you. This is not love. Please listen and take it from me a Narc ex husband of 10 years. The do not and will not change. Save yourself save your children. RUN! And do not look back!

[@mammadingo9165]

@@WitchyHocusPocus the more love you show the more hate comes from them . Self love is so important

[@mammadingo9165]

@@nicolabenjamin2661 ✌️✨

[@johnwhite6312]

"If you waste your love you will be wasted" Absolutely.

[@mickcrovo5238]

This goes not just for those with NPD but also for people with narcissistic personality and narcissistic style. Stay away from all of that.

[@vickibazter3446]

"The goal is to reduce the narcs anxiety. Mimicking parasites. Feeding frenzy. Like pac man.Their loving partner is their host. The trauma that never leaves them. Repetitive compulsion."

[@vickibazter3446]

Truth

[@constancemiller4279]

Absolutely!!!! Save your love for those who appreciate you……

[@sherriflemming3218]

Agree Constance. Share it with those whom you trust respect and appreciate you. People who treat you well. Gratitude is essential. Healthy love is safe. It correlates with trust and committment. The most important love is self love. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

[@constancemiller4279]

@@TessBoze Genuine love relationships are entirely different. In this case, we give, serve, or do something just because we love the other person. In these relationships, there is no transaction taking place

[@mindfulness5475]

I heard a saying by a narcissist that "Nothing gives me more pleasure than hurting someone who is trying to help me".

[@lindatallon9217]

Whoever screwed up the NARC........ remember.....we WERENT THERE............

[@lauriemorales7605]

I have experienced this with men. It's so painful because they are not capable and don't believe in you 😢

[@Margate2535]

In my case the ground zero narcissist in my family of origin is my mother, with one of my brothers and my sister as her Golden children and flying monkeys, and with me and my late dad in the scapegoat roles. I cannot express to you the hatred I am feeling towards her right now as she gives me the silent treatment yet again for something bad she had done to me, which I had reacted to by calling her out on. She is yet again trying to put me back in my place (as she sees it). After 50+ years of this, I can no longer control my rage towards her. I don’t want to feel this way, but I can no longer stand being treated this way. I absolutely and utterly loathe this person, someone who was supposed to love me and encourage me. Instead, she uses me for narcissist supply and I think sometimes that she shows the signs of munchausen by proxy. All of my love for her has gone.

[@lindatallon9217]

Trying to save the unsaveable......like a rabid wild animal....

[@callonthemidwife1874]

So very accurate- they are allergic to actual real love. The great pretenders.

[@chasinggreatness6390]

This video is the summation of message that all the victims need to contemplate

[@MonkeyDLuffy45068]

The narcissist said to me after I refused to spend time with him after his attempts to devalue me. He said wouldn’t want to be around me either. I didn’t respond, I just continued being silent.

[@wilblissful]

Oh trust me, I learned the hard way about the unworthy. This is why you must know the family! Before you say yes and have children! You need to eyeball that future mil like your life depends on it, because it does! Snakes don't birth kittens. You will be robbed of everything dear to you if you are loving and kind, everything, including a future after you burn it all down and go rogue on the narc. The damage will have been done! And yes, they want your soul.

[@lindatallon9217]

Takeaway.....only seek out healthy partners...

[@konkylie-3000]

Again, this describes what he said, affirms the behaviour, and to the end the realization of the impossible. It could never be.

[@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel]

yeah, my ex didn't know what love was and didn't know how to receive it. such a shame, but she nearly broke me in the end.

[@shireenk6687]

Why do they always cheat with multiples . And why downgraded people.

[@CorbinB-Rax]

What sucks is you want them to love you but you know theyll hurt you. But then they do because you didnt trust them. So you were right, and got what you feared, which is why you avoided in the first place.

[@miharu00]

exactly true, yet the narcs are smart in a way so they know that you are attracted to him / her to a certain level as he / she is always center of attention or people who raised them treated them like an idol. So this spoiling makes them completely inhumane in a way that they can treat others like not humans who have no pain, no heart, no feeling. It is their emptiness and emotionlessness that they are projecting on you. If you resist and show emotions, they will hate it and try to make you feel worst about how you feel. It is not right to have any kind of emotions especially the good ones for the narc. They can't let others enjoy life because he is the one who is in control, so no other people's prosperity nor fun.

[@JulyRose-ni5sh]

I had an abusive traumatizing childhood from a mentally ill mother and an absent father, I was placed in foster care and started to receive therapy at the age of nine. at times I still struggle, however, I don’t believe I am a narcissist. my heart is open. I believe with love and thereby anyone can change however I would not waste my time in a relationship with a narcissist because it can be draining and you do not have the power to change this person this type of illness needs extensive psychotherapy treatment.

[@terencehennegan1439]

It begs the question what percentage of relationships are narcissistic free, very few one would guess, even none narcissists are prone to becoming infected. It’s so pervasive, so insidious.

[@libragoddessauset3078]

this is so sad people can feel like this about themselves to be angry at narcs until i learned how bad they hate themselves

[@nicolabenjamin2661]

Sorry for them, what a sad and empty life. Surely paying for some therapy would be the most sensible for these pond lives to invest in…for their own sake if no one else’s. Actually F’em they aren’t worth it! Run!

[@Stefan69whatever]

Absolutely genius analysis. thank you so much!! and speaking of biblical stories: the story of casting pearls to the swine also seems to be appropriate.

[@Verena101]

Yes the Narcicist can not love and can not take love from others. So true.

[@PSNutrition]

This is the the second time in my whole life I'm commenting on a video. This is the by far the best description of the experience of "being with" a n., which I am now sure of he is. I remember telling a friend after the discard, the worst thing about the "relationship" was not, that he couldn't give love but that he was incapable of receiving it. I've been in strict no contact since the end and recently crossed paths with him by chance. I felt nothing. Not even pity.

[@Pieceofpeace43]

This aspect of not receiving love was also a warning he told me himself too. I didn’t listen to this thinking it was just something like shyness or don’t know what else. They know deep down they are monsters and they can’t really hide it. Their way not receving love is false humility. It’s just them sayin « don’t give me YOUR love because i Will never be able to give it back to you ». This is awful. The Guy broke me and i struggle to gain back my joyful self

[@indymg4456]

Extremely depressing knowing this but it must be said

[@Sci-d9c]

Thank you! This video is helpful in understanding how the Narcissist Brain works!! Don’t want to have resentment or anger towards him and now I don’t. I have empathy for his Mental Illness. However. I will remain NO CONTACT. I can’t live in his Virtual World filled with hated, jealousy’s, insecurity and need for constant supply to fill a bottomless pit with no end. It’s hopeless. I’m completely done with this entire concept!

[@zenbuddha5947]

It is terrible and I also experienced, what you are saying. They are very sick people. My mother is doing the same. I am waiting for the end of this insane relationship since my early childhood. My mother is an evil bastard.

[@sherriflemming3218]

The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Safe People by Henry Cloud

[@annrobinson7766]

So was mine. Evil and twisted. I never went to her funeral. Still glad she is gone.

[@carolinearguin8080]

Thank you Pr Vaknin. ❤🙏

[@nicolabenjamin2661]

Run! Why value someone that doesn’t value you. Never beg to give someone your love. And if they need to work to love you they DO NOT love you. This is not love. Please listen and take it from me a Narc ex husband of 10 years. They do not and will not change. Save yourself save your children. RUN! And do not look back! Find out why you have a hole that you need to fill by making someone love you. Take responsibility for your flaws that invited these pond creatures into your wild to hurt you. Stop punishing yourself they literally don’t care.

[@MP-nm9df]

The bad mother is bad because of the abuse she has suffered from her narcissistic father and husband. It will always be the narcissist’s fault. Not the mother’s.

[@pearpo]

My Mother was an anti-narcissist (and narcissistic in that way). I believe she loved me and did want the best for me. However she was too damaged and fearful to understand, controlling or manipulating a grown adult would not protect me. It just enabled others to do that with worse intentions.

[@kallahari7542]

I believe you because the ex-narcissist repeated to me or in my presence numerous times that he was a bad person and a loser, but i also saw the way who ''seems'' to crave love, because when i kissed him i saw the expression on his face... just for a moment, then it would disappeard. I still don't understand because he was abandoned by his mother at the age of 2, been raised by his grandmother until the age of 14 then went back to his mother but was abused by her. To me he said then when he heard at the age of 17 that his grandmother died he didn't care about anything anymore. He especially verbal ''abuses'' everyone around him, i could see (do to your lectures) that it was compulsive, he also repeated numerous time that he didn't need me or no one, which was contradicted because he tried, but couldn't be alone too long, he was offiously scared to be alone. We had lots of laughs together, and sometimes even very close together, but the ''bad'' objects always seem to win, so these ''close'' moments were not often enough to accept him for who or what he is. In prison he was diagnosed being a psychopath. I am no expert but i truly think he is a clinical Narcissist, my guess due to trauma , abuse and probably cormobidity of autism again all do to your lectures. I am no longer with him, i blocked him everywere. he didn't blocked me (can still see his picture on whatsapp) but i still have a soft spot for him indeed like i abandond my son (not in the way that i want to see him or have something to do with him) But I hear from people around me that he gone completely psychotic nowadays, and that hurts me.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Always Listen to information to people give you. The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer

[@TruckerBLW]

So true. And what a great reply.

[@miharu00]

I am very sorry to hear what you have gone through. I had somewhat similar experience which I am going through healing myself. It is hopeless and the narc was not able to love someone unless it was something he projected as perfect in his head. However, there is no such a perfection in this world so he ended up being alone for a long time (so he said so it could be all lies again). Then he lied that he never lied and told me that I was lying like 100 times or more. Therefore I realized that it was totally going wasting what I had to offer. As he could not acknowledge anything good in person almost. It was too much in illusion and almost no contact in a way because we had physical distances so long. It was not feeling as if it was real feelings but I was playing along as he was great at manipulating. And lies are always there as he did not know what the truth was. So it was complete mess and insanity I endured which I did not have to.

[@luckystargazer]

Exactly. They push the envelope until you lash out thus confirming their hypothesis. They overthink things.

[@pearpo]

They are cowards.

[@LAURIEANNJESSEN]

30 seconds in and I'm hearing my experience with the narcissist, 42 years, ZILCH !!

[@BflyMom_212]

@LAURIEANNJESS I can relate. I just got out of a 30 year marriage with a Narcissist. He never loved Me. What a waste of My life! We didn't know anything about These evil people back then. Now it's everywhere! It's going to take a to heal from his abuse. Sorry you got hit too.

[@LAURIEANNJESSEN]

@@BflyMom_212 I cannot afford to regret the past. Self-pity and regret are absolutely worthless and self harming! Fill your new blank canvas with a fulfilling new expression of yourself! You are still the personality you were back when!! Keep living who you were and always have been!! You are not anything that the narcissist projected onto you, nor are you the negativity he ascribed to you. Let that crap fall away from you, and step out of that steaming pile of lies, and walk away. Never look back. No remorse. Free!!

[@dennyfie]

That is a long time,best to you.14 months for me was way much.i knew her from back in High school.a lot changed in about 46 years, for me it h@@BflyMom_212

[@dennyfie]

For me it has been a strain,on my heath.agaon everyone we must move on.Bless ya all.

[@BflyMom_212]

@LAURIEANNJESSEN I'm grateful he moved far far away and I've cut contact. Just waiting for the divorce to be finalized. You make it sound so easy. It's not. Not the abuse I went through. I need time to heal, and find Myself again. It's only been a few months. For some of Us it takes time to heal the wounds of physical and emotional abuse. I'm far from ready to jump into another relationship or even think about dating. I know I'll get there eventually but it's not happening overnight!

[@nicondaallen]

L♥️VE MUST BE SINCERE.

[@PacificNWGrl]

I’ve never heard narcissism described this way. It makes so much sense. Controlling the partner so he can keep emotional control. Listening to you is the deepest understanding I’ve ever had of this condition. I’m going to re listen to this again after I’m done. Wow

[@jaynewalker280]

Oh my goodness-even though I have almost been destroyed by two narcissists over the last 40 years and feeling like I was insane- when you find out about the in workings or lack of inner working of the narcissist it appears we loved and cared for an alien- tragic is an understatement. For all the hurt I have experienced and a vast part of my life lost- I would not wish being a narcissist on anyone- thank you Sam for explaining the subject so well.

[@maryw4609]

Thank you Sam ❤

[@Elethia441]

It's reminiscent of Dismissive-Avoidant attachment too, though not to the same extent, for sure.

[@Elizarge]

I was going to say this sounds like an Attachment Disorder as well.

[@HikerGirl-ct3nd]

I was with one they defo have traits but not as bad

[@melissabrzescinski494]

Dismissive avoidants are sociopaths. They aren’t capable of love.

[@inheralchemist]

Narcissist deserve love and compassion... But not participation. I find people developing sociopathic defense responses to narcissist, which is also scary

[@drivethruabortion280]

Where's Virgo?

[@Amina679]

​@@drivethruabortion280here. Why?

[@Amina679]

@@Cara888-q5u who?

[@sherriflemming3218]

The response is trauma as a result of the pathological relationship. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Choose peace, your sanity, safety and stability over chaos. The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker

[@inheralchemist]

@@sherriflemming3218 you know how many kill3rs do so as a trauma response? It's pathological toxic demonic response to trauma just as it is with the narcissist, are they not having a trauma response 🧐

[@aidkgjehebejje]

Love is money, without you cannot love. My brother taught me this and he is 100% right. He told me life is shit and blood and you have to fight for everyrhing. He fought me and was very clever. Now i will give back to the world what i learned : nothing. I will think to myself...what a wonderful world.

[@MjF809]

Sam, thank you for your brutal honesty...you are a PHD in human behavior, and true pioneer in the dark truth of the human void. I agree with every word you speak as a psychitrist and expert. You contribute to this world....more than anyone can ever thank you for.

[@Helen-nt2me]

Unbelievably depressing.

[@annbrunoson2954]

I know this is not a new video. But I just had to add, how true! Narcissists don't want to be loved. That is so sad & strange.

[@moxiepooties6363]

Yes!!!! My narcissistic family member has a false face with people, with whom she basically has a transactional relationship as long as it serves, and she gets her desire for contact through dependent animals and dependent old men. Again, basically simple transactional relationships. Their own self-hatred is amazing, but eventually they turn it on anybody who doesn't live up to their expectations. The closest I got to ever hearing that they recognized it in themselves was for them to say "I was a shit", or "I should be killed!" I am also reminded of that quote, I believe from Groucho Marx, "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would accept me as a member!"

[@yaaklynx56]

Once again, you've hit it right on the head! As painful as the rage and rejection are, the inability to accept the genuine love you are offering is the most painful. The inability on the love giver's part to make that emotional connection.

[@Karen_Dasso]

And yet you’re here for us… thank you.

[@kalokization]

This is a phenomenology of narcissism

[@a.alliswell4987]

Genius . Absolute Genius.

[@yamlwoz]

Wow, really deep topic that needs another play through. Polio abused my mother. Placed in an isolation ward aged 18 months. I grew up with her constantly accusing me with the words "I'd always wanted a baby to love and to hug, but YOU always pushed me away!" She was either accusing me, blaming and guilting me, using me for her needs, or neglecting me every day of my life. I've finally given up at age 67. What an enduring fool I've been.

[@ArtificialSoul]

I've learned the hard way toxic relationships can only exist when both partners are toxic. I was the submissive one, but I don't consider myself as the victim anymore, neither do I consider my ex-partner as the villain. I'm just sad we dragged eachother into our own misery.

[@ViralVibes_01]

I agree

[@elstal22]

I willfully ignored obvious red flags. So, yes, I was toxic. A healthy self-validating person would have walked away.

[@ArtificialSoul]

@@elstal22 Toxic behavior doesn't necessarily mean you are a toxic person 😘 We all humans make mistakes. We all have to learn and unfortunately not everybody gets the chance to learn from loving and supporting parents. I really don't know what it is with narcissists. My father is one. I myself have been diagnosed with BPD. I can recognise a lot of myself in his behavior, but only to a certain level.

[@TC-mf1cq]

@@elstal22 I don't think that's true in every case. Some people convince themselves that the narcissist will change if they are patient and treat them with more kindness, often for the sake of not breaking up a family. Foolishness isn't toxicity, especially when you don't understand what you're dealing with.

[@Rut-vi7iz]

I disagree completely. My ex narcissist father in law raped my 14 year old daughter. There in fact can often be ONE EVIL TOXIC PERSON, not in ANY way, 2. If also doesn't apply in situations where children are born to narcissistic parents. The children are not born toxic. I honestly don't see how your statement applies in most cases. At all.

[@John-jq7xt]

It is heartbreaking I was in an abusive relationship until last year I fell in with her and its so hard I believe I still love her but the advice here is spot on

[@kimwarnock11]

This is the best explanation of an narcissists thank you so much

[@TheAppaloosa14]

Great video that assists with letting go ❤

[@catherinedunne1799]

This helped me break into layers of a series of conversations had since the holidays. The thought process in here. Between the internet is intense. I am grateful I am able to gain your insightful thoughts so easily online. The internet and you are incredible. Thank you, Professor Vaknin.

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

My dilemma was staying with the person I “failed “, along with my world, esp my family. I knew he would never love me. I knew if I left I would be walking away from all love from my family. My Machiavellian saw to it that I was alienated and he was just like what the Dr. is describing. He “loves” one person. Our Son. And that’s why I had to be destroyed, I was “competition”.

[@SphereMusicCafe]

Stay strong 🙏🏽 love yourself- get outside and away from them.

[@MissVarghese111]

Alright.Thank God.

[@catdoghedgehog619]

I finally left him, he is doing exactly what you have been saying. But he is breadcrumbing... sending sad song titked, "I will be ok, will love you.." how sick was he. Like you said, he will self destruct, I will no longer advise him on how to become healthier, better looking, so on. His son hates him, he keeps pushing son to be something he can never be, and he will treating his teen son as a husband, and he is the wife. I hope his government wakes up and saves the kid. Thank you for pointing out the truth in full detail.

[@cleodivine83]

You did the right thing ❤

[@sharon_rose724]

Oh I used to get the songs, too.. "I thought I'd have you for a lifetime.." "I'm saying I miss you, I've never been so ashamed, tell me how I could use a friend like you.." I told myself he used music to express himself, to say the things that he couldn't. Now I know it was a manipulation tool. Best of luck to you, you definitely did the right thing.

[@fredrikburstrom-cw1ho]

Narcissist + Narcissist always end up in top of socity Winners

[@elenak707]

Your last sentence is the most important. Thank you for your advise professor

[@TrustJesus333]

You are often very funny. Thank you for teaching us the truth about narcissism.

[@rhodabean]

Spot on 100%

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

Love = Sex. When internet porn got real that was the end of being loved. I was kept around for utility purposes. Whenever the narc was hurt he would devise a punishment for me. What Dr. is describing about rejecting love is totally accurate.

[@arlenebayron2448]

One of your better videos. Excellent presentation.. This is NPD.. In the simplest form.. Thk you Professor .. Continue educating and being great! 🍷

[@cyberninjasworld]

Thank you Dr Vaknin ⭐

[@billfitzpatrick8148]

Sam, it was love for 30 years, but my wife tossed me away like a candy wrapper. Where did my love go?

[@rolandgervais154]

20 years over here for me - you ask a difficult question....

[@beesknees5441]

20 years on & off here too, I was complicit In my own abuse... In my experience It's difficult to untangle it all, but liberating beyond a certain point ✨ Rediscovering yourself is paramount & on that journey gaining the invaluable knowledge & guidance from people like Dr Vaknin, slowly but surely your self love & ability to feel love translates into understanding at least you still have the ability to feel & share love ❤ Only now with more self knowledge, love, boundaries & discernment ✨ For growing healthy relationships going forward 🌈✌️😉

[@margodphd]

To assume love died or went away, there must have been love to begin with. These people are unable to love. It's impossible to loose what was never there. Falling out of love, that's completely different process.

[@wilblissful]

Into a void..

[@mimilookamie8019]

Well there you go. It's all right there. That's all you need to know. As soon as you can recognize these truths for what they are innately and without doubt because you've already tested them and know them to be true from your own painful experience with the narcissist this video is the only video you need. It answers every lingering doubt we all wrestle with and predictiably use to resist accepting the inevitable failure and end of the relationship and it leaves nothing left in your arsenal or reserves to continue fighting with or for....the narcissist is a lost cause and there is nothing that can change that not even genuine love.

[@cynthiacassel]

That’s just a role the company assigns them. Social media just makes it easier to create a fake identity - an identity that makes them feel magical.

[@pioneer1133]

Incredibly helpful! It freed me from questioning my experiences of love, cuz whenever I shared or displayed love to my parents, they would intellectually explain to me how it can't be. My father an orphan, my mother taking care since childhood of a verbally abusive and crippled mother... it makes sooo much sense that they will not tolerate to experience or acknowledge love, I feel so freed! thanks again

[@SM-cp7pn]

Dear Prof Vaknin. Thank you most sincerely. I finally understand and accept.

[@krispela9626]

Ive expressed how it feels for me, Its like you have put a knife in me and twisted it and while im lying on the floor dying your looking down angry at me because i cant get up and dance. Also, I can't continue to fill your cup from mine if no one is filling up my cup. We all have our own paths and even tho at times i hit rock bottom and no matter the hatred they have towards me i still wish nothing but the best. Its my path i must walk now 🙏 Your video resonated so well within me !

[@LizMitchell-di4uz]

I wonder how much of narcissism is contingent on heterosexuality: i had a brief emotional relationship with a seemingly bisexual man who did the whole lovebomb-devalue-discard process on me, but when it came to his homosexual relationship, he seemed pretty present and reliable. Oh well. I'll never really know. 😢

[@mariasimone4141]

I think most are secretly gay

[@bethhansingkoughan2045]

There is a ton of misogyny layered into narcissism.

[@paulshortall6734]

I see your point about psychology and literature, you have a very persuasive turn of phrase

[@pappaprosjektet]

Thanx Sam ❤

[@notagain779]

Unless I had known someone very well who fits all of these descriptions, I wouldn't believe any of what Sam is saying here. There are people whose childhoods have been so horrific, that in adulthood, there seemingly is no hope, sadly.

[@hamishtownsend1427]

Absolutely spot on from my experiences with a female narc, such a battle in the end I gave up and left her to her tortured inner world. This is so spot on

[@gracekitchener1694]

You are so spot on Sam thank you so much for all your so very accurate insights. I just so wish being a narc and bpd with the dark triad adhd codependence dyspraxia and autism traits from my mother as she used to tell me it would have been better if I hadnt been born. I struggle everyday day to get out of bed and even breathe or move with the huge heaviness of anxiety inducing emptiness of the void inside and the suffering lonliness .. its beyond devastating. But i live for my Dad as and i dont know how he surbived 56 years of marriage with constant berating episodes from her. I am beyond sad for him despite him still being a lovely jolly man even at 85 years old. He has been alone 5 years but adheres to her same old cleaning rules distilled in him from her pver all the passed years. When he leaves this world then i will go too as it will be too painful to live as we are both codepents... i too have every attachment style and personality disorders. My first ever thought was ..the world is beautiful but why do people hate it. Early on too i knew to never get married. Thank you Sam and others who also leave some truthful comments in the box provided. ❤

[@letsplay2gethernow]

great speach!

[@antoinettegorman8833]

Narcissist where a victim of some form of abuse they did love at one time.when they craved the love they needed at such a young age . Their carers weren’t there . They where let down . Hurt . Betrayal by the person they needed the most. They needed love hugs and emotional support

[@dahirusutube]

Incredibly true oh my God

[@forgotmad195]

Thanks very much for this enlighting video. It describes what I've let myself get caught. It helps my way out of it.

[@jgalebrubeck1838]

Another great session. Thanks. G

[@pohfromipoh]

Thanks for the Analysis, I finally understood my father.

[@ilosik]

Как всегда прекрасно Сэм! Так приятно Вас слушать! Всегда успокаивает 🤍

[@CharlieChan-l6u]

You share psychology with beautiful passion! Impressive!

[@InspiredRenegade]

Religion has created a lot of damaged people who have lost all of their "self worth" and "human dignity". I am still working through all of those deep psychological layers, to try and recapture myself after almost 50 years of indoctrination.

[@Dailyprophet777]

Absolutely spot on sam ❤