Dr. Becky Kennedy: The Parenting Secrets That Will Make Your Kids Love You When They're 14 and 40

Shane asks Dr. Becky Kennedy-a clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and mother of three-his most pressing parenting questions. Dr. Becky discusses how to set proper boundaries for your kids, how that differs from making requests, and how you can use the same strategy with your partner. Kennedy also explains teenagers' psychology, why they must stray from their parents, and how we can teach our teens confidence and resilience as they grow up.
Shane and Dr. Kennedy also discuss how we learn to regulate our emotions, how we can recover from blowouts with our kids, why kids will learn to blame themselves, and why it’s important to approach children with curiosity when trying to understand the challenges in their lives. Kennedy also answers questions from Shane’s parenting peers about screen time, competitive sports, and what happens to our relationships with our kids when adolescence ends.
Dubbed the “The Millennial Parenting Whisperer” by TIME Magazine, Dr. Becky Kennedy is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of "Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be." She also hosts “Good Inside with Dr Becky,” the top kids and family show on Apple Podcasts.
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00:00 - Intro
01:50 - Boundaries, defined
09:50 - Learning to speak in boundary language as an adult
17:30 - How to determine whether the relationship with your kid is healthy…or not
25:00 - Building confidence and resiliency in kids
29:09 - Handling Disappointment
29:54 - 3 Specific lines to use to open a conversational door
33:05 - How to handle your kids when they don’t take responsibility for their outcomes
40:20 - How the stories we tell ourselves damage our relationships
44:30 - How can adults learn to regulate their emotions?
54:17 - How to repair a relationship after a huge outburst?
01:09:44 - How to handle someone’s feelings when you don’t agree with what they’re saying
01:20:44 - How to deal with your kids’ screen time habits
01:31:50 - Is it okay to bribe your kids with rewards for good behavior?
01:43:45 - When does adolescence actually end?
01:46:30 - Is the intense environment of competitive sports bad?
01:47:43 - Why do parents wrap so much of our identity in our kids?
01:50:38 - Dr. Becky Kennedy’s definition of success
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ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGE PROJECT
Like the mentor you’ve always dreamed of having, The Knowledge Project shares timely yet timeless lessons for work and life. Past guests include Naval Ravikant, Daniel Kahneman, Jim Collins, Angela Duckworth, Seth Godin, Melanie Mitchell, & Esther Perel.

[@tkppodcast]

Share your favorite part of the convo below 👇. If you enjoyed this episode, hit the like button on the video! It helps us a lot. 🙏

[@karinah5487]

Love this. I am learning. I grew up with screaming, no communication, and lots... lots of anger and resentment and silent treatments. It was toxic.

[@froyo9674]

Same. All the best, to you

[@jhasib]

Talk to kids on disappointments 1. I am so glad you are talking to me about this. 2. I believe you. 3. Tell me more Stay quiet Regulate Emotions (AVP) 1. Acknowledge (Hi FEELING NAME) 2. Validate (it makes sense) 3. Permit (full permission) Am I good with it?

[@therealbs2000]

Basically kids are the authority figures and parents are the subjects

[@techatore8915]

I don’t have kids. But these are profound lessons for relationships of all kinds.

[@stacielivinthedream8510]

Yes! Same here and I'm loving this!

[@jessicasejnaui3001]

Dr Becky is amazing, the tips on parenting she provides help us grow immensely.

[@kf4083]

This is soooo sooo good! Thank You 😊

[@BrookeColeAdoredAnimals]

Absolutely informational interview, transformational concepts and easily understood examples !!! Thank you so much ! ❤

[@katherinemoreno2530]

Thank you so much for making videos to help others. I know it must be difficult to do this work in addition to other responsibilities in your life. The work that you do has such value for people. You are truly making a positive difference in people's lives. I am grateful for you. Thank you.

[@tayssersowley5329]

Amazing episode! Thanks for this! There are a lot of lessons here… the end is incredible “we produce, not reproduce”… separation of who we are from what we do…

[@yiqintay]

Thanks Shane and Dr Becky for such an amazing episode - I am similar to the 28 year old single man that Becky mentioned, learnt so much about parenting myself, emotional regulation and communication. My fav part is when Shane made the connection between AVP and how to respond when someone is disappointed - truly a WOW moment The quote about "kids rather be a sinner in a world full of gods than in a world full of devils" makes so much sense and highlights the importance about how parents should be good at repair. Also love the part about not being binary with regards to emotions - you don't have to agree/disagree with them, you can just understand them (I believe you) and be curious about them. Was first introduced to Dr Becky in an episode by Adam Grant and binged on her IG reels subsequently, really blessed to be a fly on the wall for this and looking forward to her convo on the HubermanLab next!

[@creativecurrent3108]

A big thank you, very useful.

[@estherrono3289]

That was profound!!Thank you

[@loberleitner1]

Wow🎉! What a compassionate wise mentor for us. ❤

[@stacielivinthedream8510]

Brilliant woman! 👏

[@MeetConstance1]

So good!!!! ❤❤❤❤

[@getreadywithmemamma6973]

I loveeee you Becky!!! Thank youuuuuuuu!!!! My spouse and I work with families in the Midwest and I’ve long felt that there was much more to this parenting thing and I’m the weirdest parent around in a gooooooood way. Boundaries, sigh. Kids sometimes get this more intuitively than adults because their haven’t been f’d with yet enough.

[@jadomonell]

I think it’s amazing you have brought together the differences between these conversations with a spouse and a child. It’s so helpful!

[@user-gw6ps9rv7r]

Wow! What a compassionate wise mentor for us.

[@tkppodcast]

And so practical!

[@zoeorchid]

Why did you copy this comment?

[@krisb743]

I think it’s always good to be at the crossroads for your children (when they leave for school and when they come home). Some can’t always do this but if you can, it’s a good thing!

[@ginahartley7295]

I love this video but I am so confused and drained. I have been married 40 years have 5 adult children, one 16 year old and 5 grandchildren. I work in a Middle school with 6,7, and 8th graders. I am a specialized teacher assistant for behavior and autistic children. I was raised in a very strict Catholic house. All my siblings are very successful. I did not want to raise my children so strict so I was very open, honest , emotional, always talked about feelings, very part-time until they were in Middle school stay home Mom. I am very close with my children, but my heart is broken. They are choosing paths that are very different then mine. I want them to be independent individuals that that are positive productive people in society. They were raised Catholics but do not follow their faith. They have piercing and tattoos. They vape and smoke marijuana because they say the world is too stressful and they have anxiety (4 of them live with me and have no bills) . They are sexually active. One went to college and got a Bachelor's degree and is stuck in a very low paying job,. One got a college scholarship and dropped out of school to find himself during covid, (he is still trying to find himself) and one (16) uses her phone very inappropriate and was caught vaping ...I took the phone away for a year and a half, she promise she understood what she did was wrong . I gave it back and 49 days later was caught doing it again. I have tried to talk to them about their emotions all the time. They say the world is different and harder then when I was their age. ( I was married with children at their age.) All I know is they were great children ...I don't understand how they change so much . Little kids...little problems....Big kids Big Problems... and speaking from a wealthier school district ....kids are so disrespectable to teachers ,police officers ,etc.....maybe it is better to be stricter . Heart Broken Mom

[@hervel5454]

In any case you are a Hero to raise 5 children ! I am not sure about the strict or not strict part. Just know that my mother was good but not emotional. Not so nice. So it gives me the will to leave the house ASAP. But yes it is hard to start living on your own. Cost of living has became damn high and it was 20 years ago, maybe worse now. Became engineer by accident : with one year more for this, one more year for that. Lucky it was not so expensive my accidental path. But then I had to got some luck and sense : it took me 10 years to have a decent salary. Your kids must understand : it is hard but possible with patience and skills building

[@hervel5454]

Also they must not be afraid to leave their region / state for better opportunities

[@lil5853]

Jsyk a lot of kids nowadays have an extra phone parents don’t know about. It could be their old phone. All they need is a WiFi. Instagram, Snapchat etc don’t require a phone number.

[@sarahh8575]

Don’t give up hope and keep praying. I grew up in a strict Christian home with 5 siblings and was a hell raiser throughout my 20s and now almost 50 my relationship with God is closer than ever. Don’t turn your back on them, keep showing up and witnessing to them, God has a plan

[@zoegingrich5273]

They are their own humans. They don't have to be Catholic because you want them to be.

[@getreadywithmemamma6973]

Thank God, I love that this is finally in the collective subconscious. I went to Montessori until 3rd grade and we treated the adults and the kids like they were people. That was really hard by the way and in the 80’s to boot. So, progressive city. I really like the sturdy part here too. So many people think that if we treat people like they are human and deserve respect that we have no rules, or boundaries, or responsibility. I just, we had even more rules, boundaries and responsibilities since we as children were allowed to show up at the table. We were morally responsible for ourselves while allowed to feel our feelings and be our actual selves. I quit a speech grad program When I figured out that they were training kids like well… dogs. I couldn’t do it. My body viscerally responded. Kids should absolutely be treated at least as good as adults and here’s my secret I actually hate working with adults. They seem messed up beyond anything that my training can touch 😂. So, good on you guys for real. But, I always say my parenting looks different, takes longer and doesn’t get approval from peacocking parents, but the kids trust me, they know I’m real, they feel respected and they do more on their own. I also worked in an inner city after school program and with adults with developmental disabilities and now infants. Treat everyone like they are human 1,0000000000 percent. My husband works with families and if it feels wrong it’s wrong and yes we really are this bad at treating humans well and I’m just gonna say this…. I’ve seen so few parents as like ok, I’d let them raise me. Don’t assume we all have it together. We don’t and yes the atheletics, music, grades oh gosh you name it. You have to hold yourself back so so so much to keep them safe…. From you. 😊❤

[@aubz81]

I love what you're doing so much. Thank you for doing what you do, and being who you are. You're changing lives for the better out here - that's God's work. Much love! 💚

[@jamesbond6]

I have enjoyed the episode and your summary, but both emotion-based ideas and resolutions are so much better explained in a book by Joanna Faber and Julie King - How to talk so kids will listen. This used to be a bestseller on practical parenting a few years ago and I have seen a lot of parallels in solving adult / workplace proglems ever since reading that book. Dr Kennedy has just been better marketed lately ;)

[@BeatzByMK]

Expecting in November and I’m taking in all the info I can to be the best mama I can be ❤️❤️

[@danielle4nay]

Congratulations! I’m expecting in December and doing the same 🥰

[@Kim-kw7fo]

I have only just stumbled upon Becky. Wow!!

[@FERRARICWH69]

Please someone tell me how to set boundaries with my spouse in terms of screen time and electronics .. im so exhausted trying to create room for connection and relationship when i have an avoidant partner ….

[@rutflores3482]

I have the same problem 😞

[@melaniewingar7520]

Love all of this but especially that she says why does it have to be anyone's fault. It is always a blame game in my family but no one else seems to see it.

[@podcastexercise]

1:09:00 Absolutely agree! It irritates me how so many people apologize the 'wrong' way to not take responsibility and to make me feel 'sensitive' 1. I'm sorry YOU FEEL (angry, sad, etc) --- imply I'm too sensitive and it's no big deal. 2. I'm sorry IF I did something to hurt you --- that IF implies they believe they didn't do anything wrong. 3. I'm sorry BUT you made me do it. You see them hurting, you know what you did. Just say, "I'm sorry I hurt you by ----" without IF or Buts

[@markwalker2995]

Superb 3 statements 30:10

[@user-zl3rp5uf6d]

It's hard to make a balance of keeping your distance and being there for your kids because it also depends on how your kids absorbed and digest he situation.

[@wildolive53]

1:04:21😮😮😮 1:27:08 ur performance is SPOT ON! 👌🏻😆

[@annatheresa7474]

My kid is 15 and hes getting 40/50% in some of his tests...i feel like by saying youre a smart clever kid and clearly got a not so good grade in the test..It may make him think to just carry on as he is and not have an incentive to do better..the grade doesnt reflect his potential and intelligence...It reflects his lack of learning and preparing for the test, then blaming his teachers etc rather than take responsibility Feel bad cause he has all this time to study and revise and not is then not using It productively..this year didnt write him in for football or surf course/lessons after school cause thought hed then not have enough time to study and keep Up with studies/homework etc with IGCSEs coming Up and everything..now he has all the time feel hes not making use of it and feels like its backfiring... Super happy for any advice

[@mathewvarghese4387]

She is drawing boundaries but her husband may be enjoying with other people without any boundaries.

[@packattack931]

51:59 ❤️❤️❤️

[@jenmessier2195]

Can this work for 8 year olds too.

[@sarahtaylor2121]

Our number one job is to keep our kids safe…hmm…interesting idea to ponder and juxtapose with all the research coming out about the importance of allowing kids to take age appropriate risks and giving them plenty of unsupervised time with other kids. If our number one goal is safety then we’d never let them go and do anything at all.

[@grayson2685]

✔️ promo sm

[@louisaruth]

dude, my man, bruh- laziness is not real, and saying it 'triggers' you makes you sound like a dinosaur but your right about currency, but let me say it more clearly: parents are looking for acceptable forms of *coercion* to use on their kids, and making your relationship 'transactional' w them crosses a line for many. my question is why use coercion at all?

[@erindabney2758]

Yep, every time I hear any kind of parenting advice, I feel glad that I didn’t have kids. Definitely would have created some broken humans if I had given birth back when I was fertile.

[@anjafernandez758]

I suggest this person to retake her lessons or experience life .

[@jamiewilson2550]

She's like a prophet lmao