EMOTIONAL INCEST: Why You Grew UP Too Fast |Psychotherapy Crash Course

Do you feel lost and "absent" psychologically in your adulthood?
Did you feel emotionally connected to your parent growing up?
Emotional incest is something that happens when your childhood has been stolen from the very people who are entrusted to love and care for you.
Emotional incest can happen for many years while you are growing up -- and even continue into late adulthood.
It isn't always easy to spot and most people don't believe there is a such thing known as emotional incest.
In this video, I discuss why you may be feeling so lost as an adult child.
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**DISCLAIMER: Triggering content for some viewers.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
1:38 Emotional incest definition
2:28 Common features of emotional incest
3:00 Emotional incest tends to go unnoticed
3:58 Lack of family cohesion
4:34 Enmeshment happens often
5:45 What happens to you over time
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Mentioned In The Video:
-To learn more about unhealthy parents, click here: • TOXIC PARENTS & Why Yo...
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#trauma #tamarahilllpc #Emotionallydetachedparents
#familytrauma #toxicfamily
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Music:
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🎵 Track Info:
Epidemic Sound
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
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----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at [e-mail]. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
Mail me stuff!
PO BOX 15747
Robinson Township, PA 15244
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Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
Instagram: thilltherap...
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Permission must be given before videos are used.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

To learn more about the dramatic and unhealthy patterns within families, click here for my live chat: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fWKwk4mbZ9Bmj8U

[@citizenkang2524]

My mother leaned on me in emotional incest, often at the expense of my own emotional and career growth and used my father to bully me into accepting that mess.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Oh my. That's horrible. I'm sorry. Sometimes there is a cultural component to this kind of family dynamic. African American families may sometimes believe that this kind of relationship (relying on children, exposing them to adult things, making them grow up faster, etc) is appropriate and common to their culture. It isn't! Lack of knowledge, family toxicity, dysfunction, and poor parenting all contribute to this concept.

[@citizenkang2524]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I believe that much of that on my father's part was because his relatives kept impressing on him how he was the "man of the house" when he lost his father at age 7 in an Arkansas sharecropping community toward the end of the Depression.

[@citizenkang2524]

Interesting, the centennial edition of Emily Dickinson's "Etiquette" says that one of things you don't say to someone grieving the loss of a parent is, "You've got to be the man of the house now." After my father died in hospice when I was in my mid-50s, my mother expected me to be the everything of the house while working and struggling to bring income into the house but would then undermine me when it came to effectively being the MAN of the house, as my father taught me from the age of 3. Now between mother's, sister's and jackleg handyman neighbor's incompetence and misfeasance on that, I'm spending up my inheritance to get back in order and up to code the family home in trust that my father told us to never sell that they wrecked along with me sister's flying monkey daughters.

[@jesussaves89]

Same my mom did this to me as a teenager my brain literally had to stretch because it wasn’t fully developed my mom leaned on me emotionally so much and now expects my husband to do so she is so delusional and now my siblings don’t even see this. Everyone wants to live in denial if she apologizes and repents to me and changes her behaviors then I’ll forgive her and move on but so far I never got her apology and acknowledging how much this affected me and her crazy manipulation

[@Melissa-Sue]

Thanks for this video: ever since I was a little tiny girl: My mother called Me sister, which I told her was inappropriate. As a little tiny 5 year old: My parents abandoned Me with My brother's... as My mother would call it babysitting: but it wasn't, it was straight abandonment. How did I grow up, I was told: everything was My fault as a little girl, of whom had to raise My brothers or they would of died... but I was a kid: so I felt a lot of shame cause I wasn't perfect, and I didn't know how to pay bills or get a job.

[@loridontcaretotellu6497]

Tamara, I honestly feel like it's hopeless when it's been so pervasive it's all you know AND despite having had therapy it isn't something I can break free from in my situation even at my age! This is in large part because my mom is elderly now, not in the greatest of health and is starting to show what I think might be the onset of dementia. Her marriage of 24 yrs is unhappy, she wants to move from 90 min away to as close as possible to me. She is more needy than EVER! I love her dearly but I never feel ANY of our family interactions are for ME even with my siblings. I turned down a wonderful job offer when I was nearly 20 yrs old b/c my then abusive stepfather guilted me into doing so because "your mother needs you here to take care of the kids while we work." So I asked her what she thought thinking (hoping) SURELY THIS time she will say "Of course you should take it even though it involves business travel. You'll do great at it and we'll be fine here too!" I turned it down. How dumb was that!? It was so pervasive my entire life it was the norm. So much so that my little brother called me mom at his 8th birthday party and didn't correct himself so I gently said "You silly kiddo I'm not your mom, I'm your sister!" He gave a little grin but said very seriously "But you FEEL like our mom a lot because you take care of me and when I'm sad you talk to me and tuck me in when mommy works." I feel guilty writing that like I'm betraying her love for us. She truly does love us and has been a kind caring laughing mom when we were young. But she worked a split shift... 8 AM to 12 or 12:30 in the afternoon about 4 days per week then from 6PM til midnight in the evenings about 4 nights weekly. The "presentation" was that my stepfather was in charge but I was the one who got dishes done, homework done for myself, helped the 2 kids with homework once they hit school age, helped them choose their outfit the next day, ironed it, got them ready for bed and tucked in fairly often. I've not really lived my own life fully. Thanks for this eye opening video, Tamara. I pray you are well! Lori

[@939449]

Keep working on it and you will keep making progress.

[@justcalm3301]

He was so grateful though, and for that your to thank. He understood what you sacrificed for him and felt you were diserving of being called mom. Not that your mother wasn’t a good one, but he must have felt safe with you. Because of that he’s probably less dramatized.

[@justin2morton1]

Omfg!! After my dad passed. Suicide level of enmeshed

[@Yanadew]

Imagine this happening when your mother has a man in the house! And your still to take care the younger siblings, go shopping, go to pay the bills and clean the house! And she’s home all day, you’re just a young teen. Then your verbally abused etc. I never seen a Mother’s Day hallmark card that was true! I use to just stand there reading the cards that didn’t describe her at all. I had to choose a card painfully!

[@melomet3789]

Whoa, this unexpectedly hit home. Thanks for your work and your effort to reach people that might be unseen

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I appreciate that! Thank you! And I'm glad this was helpful to you.

[@justin2morton1]

Amen

[@Andronicus2007]

Its the strangest thing, I feel this channel describes my family life so accurately. I have had therapy but while that was helpful, I'm also finding the information on here helpful. Especially in dealing with the emotional effects of my toxic family life. I'd love to give back one day in a similar way to Tamara. She really is so generous, a very genuine and compassionate person.

[@betanialacoste7945]

They're required to parent the parent and fulfill all roles for the parent. Pushed to be a parent's psychiatrist, but then defamed as the sick patient until we self fulfill prophesy.

[@jesussaves89]

I feel empty after talking with my mom and for many years did draining and all she did was talk about her problems. My dad passed and I had no relationship with him so it was a relief because he constantly put us in financial crisis I feel burdened and not loved my mom rarely tells me she loves me and it’s all about her just like her mother was

[@a.y.7738]

I’ve witnessed four instances of Emotional Incest. Two men with their mother, a daughter with her father and an older female sibling with the youngest male sibling. What concerns me, as an example, is that the enmeshed female friend committed suicide right after the passing of her father. I’ve wondered If the parent dies, the enmeshed child is left with nothing, holding the bag with no identity of their own. Panic sets in. Another observation, E.I.E. Is a hostile takeover of another person autonomy and serves no independent agency. These people who are enmeshed will not be able to have successful relationships with the opposite sex due to feelings of betrayal to the PARENT or to the person who created the parentification, a permeant condition that exists even after death. No one outside the Enmeshed relationship stands a chance, forever a prisoner. Thank you T.H.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I was on your live chat tonight. I can't thank you enough- it was so validating. Yes, this was me from about age three.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You are so welcome!! Glad this was helpful. Sometimes validation is healing in and of itself. And thank you for putting up with the tech issues.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

@@TherapistTamaraHill You did great!

[@truth4utoda]

Man......this was good. Thank you Tamara. 😊

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You are so welcome!

[@lidija5682]

Thank you❤️, Tamara for this precious +refreshing edu. In a toxic family where both parents work together - one as an incest abuser while the other one as his silent coworker - experience sums into I cannot be myself. By walking away 20 years ago I become the one who is guilty for all the suffering of the abuser and being ever since punished from him and my sister ( a next replacement for the continuing emotional abuse) for daring... The biggest challenge in life is avoiding further abusive environments and relationships! May the Lord always guide us and help us through demanding but liberating healing process. For my father and my mother forsook me, but the Lord laid hold on me. I am not an orphan having a Creator for a merciful and wise Father of my soul, giving for humanity his Son to nourish us with true Life and all the grace that comes from the gentle Holy Spirit inspiring brothers and sisters like you, Tamara to share their expertise unselfish. No darkness can overcome the Light! 🌈❤️

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome Lidija!! Thank you. 🤗 Glad this was helpful. I really like that you say this: "May the Lord always guide us and help us through demanding but liberating healing process. For my father and my mother forsook me, but the Lord laid hold on me." Biblical truths just cements everything into place and provides peace to the soul.

[@AdamantlyAdams]

Yes I experienced it too. Thank you Tamara for all you do

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!! Glad this was helpful.

[@JazzyJay263]

Thanks, Tamara, as always on point!💫🔥💯

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're so welcome! And thank you🤗

[@ChristineBalarezo]

Thank you Támara, for packing in a lot of nuggets here. I appreciate you 🙏🏼💜

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤗You're welcome! Glad this was helpful. And thank you.

[@ashanein]

My mom became a single mom when i was seven. She became very enmeshed with my older sister and i. I was never on the hook for finances or tangible things but boy was i their little therapist, dolly, extension of my mom, and my sister's stand-in best friend, mom and partner at times. It's confusing because i couldn't pinpoint these issues for literal decades. When my mom kept calling me her confidant, that was a huge red flag. I've gaslit myself that it "wasn't that bad" because my mom DID handle the finances and wouldn't come to me about work stuff... She "only"came to me about issues with my sister and later with her husband/my step dad.

[@alexadellastella5247]

Thanks Tamara!

[@angieemacc5616]

Thankyou for these videos

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

My pleasure!

[@BREAKOUT444]

Thanks mom.

[@NoOne-gc7is]

The ancestral sexual relationship I had was not traumatic, was not violent or forced at that time. It was a pivotal moment, that warped, my brains computing love, acceptance, and sex. It’s decimated all of my love and sexual relationships. It’s so bad and I’m so fucked up beyond repair that I’ve just given up completely after three decades of being extremely hyper sexual. now I wouldn’t even want to shake anybody’s hand. I despise and disgusted by anyone in relationships or that have sex lives. I don’t even know how to lie to my kids that good relationships are good in life. I also don’t know how to have the birds and bees talk. I want my kids to be happy and having healthy, loving relationships but I don’t know how to not speak out or direct out of discust and a loathing hatred. I also don’t know how I would ever tell them not to give up. somehow she just gets to live the perfect life with not impacting her in any kind of fucking way. She just abandoned me and left me too. Go into fucking Wonderland. Now I’m just forever fucked destined to be content from now until the day I die to go to the grave completely alone. I expect it’ll be weeks before anyone would check in or find me I accepted the fact, accepted the fact that the only souls will be there will be my cats, and they will most certainly be there, eating my body until anybody else shows up. Honestly, that’s the only souls that I will openly accept to have any importance in the rest of my life. I’m not speaking out of self-pity just how it is. And I’ve accepted that I’m content in that maybe not happy but I’m so peaceful not giving a shit I have no one in my life. It only took me three decades to get this point. even my own kids are barely, letting into exclusive places in my heart. But goddamnit I promise one thing if I ever know someone that goes through this shit I can guide them and tell them there is a point those too late and help them avoid or initiate certain things that can maybe change the odds that will bring them to where I’m at now. The only thing that has worked for me is to just be completely indifferent which in my mind it’s worse than any kind of passionate, feeling even hatred or anger. At least someone would feel something like if that person died or something worse.Blackening my heart to be void of any desire for sex or loving relationship feels SO good finally relief from murdering my heart over and over and over after briefly filling it up in between to make each time it feels like how some serial killers keep their victims, conscious and murder them in such a way that everything they do should be lethal, but take measures to make them through the most ways until there are no more ways. I used to be the most loving hearted, sweetest child. When people were sad, I cried. I was often told even by family members that I was too sensitive. That little boy over three decades Was murdered savagely.

[@justin2morton1]

I've been trying to find a sista for months to speak to me about this from my experience and culture.

[@melyg8796]

I appreciate you ❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

💖so kind of you! Appreciate you too. Thanks for following.

[@communitysolutionspro1520]

This happened to me. As a result i didn't want kids.

[@justin2morton1]

I instantly subscribed

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome to the channel!! Glad to have you.

[@teddyber6337]

4x0 resolute I feel like I sell preliminaries at high price and not enough, underused and misused but mostly I feel like it's a medieval age for science architectures in others who should rise a FF F"Fenix.. Excuse my beginning

[@friedBeanCurd]

No one cares about us

[@truth4utoda]

Some do and that's the hope we have to hold in to.

[@fairygurl9269]

🐛Here's To Healthy Growth 🦋

[@truth4utoda]

😁

[@Advocatefortruth82]

👋🏾Eveyone

[@user-ff6ep6is8l]

Is it possible to experience emotional incest from siblings? My sister is 10 years older than me and she’s told me that she’s had to become a parent to me and my other brothers. Lately I’ve felt abused by her because of how much over sharing she’s done with me since I was very young. I felt my voice was silenced and felt like an emotional support pet to her. Over the years I’ve said things to her like I feel like I feel like a punching bag, I feel she transfers her anxieties onto me. Other things she’s said is she doesnt know if she could go on living if I were to die, if she ever dies and she has children she wants her children to go to me, and she can see us living together( when she was well into her 40s), and asking me if I’ll be the one to wipe her butt when she’s elderly. It’s not until recently that I felt manipulated when I noticed she was not receptive to me saying no to her venting excessively to me. I accused her of being manipulative because I felt I’ve given so much of myself and time to supporting her emotionally and on 2 occasions she cried because I wasn’t giving her a special kind of support she wanted from me.

[@fgbowen]

5:54 - I have all these signs - but was basically ignored - I am 62, but have been looked at as though I am 11, 16, or 8... or ... You Pick it. Anything below 17 - in the lower numbers. I have a number of other serious issues, but... that's the start. 6:31 - ... ... ... Kissing. What is kissing?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😔 I'm sorry

[@truth4utoda]

A lot of people fear this word...emotional encest because it sounds like the other word. How do you decipher this.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is a good question. I would say that you want to think of emotional incest as being strictly the emotional ups and downs the parent puts you through for their benefit and never your benefit. I truly wish the field of psychology didn't use this term but there is a theory to all of this.

[@jennw6809]

@@TherapistTamaraHill My sister read a book about this long ago; I saw it as a sensationalistic title given by a publisher. Wouldn't a better term just be parentification? I read the book and felt it was true, but now see it as one tree in the forest of a narcissistic family system. It left out the rest of the family and failed to name the caregiver as having a cluster B PD.

[@fairygurl9269]

⛵️

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤗

[@angieemacc5616]

🤦🏽‍♀️

[@user-ff6ep6is8l]

Is it possible to experience emotional incest from siblings? My sister is 10 years older than me and she’s told me that she’s had to become a parent to me and my other brothers. Lately I’ve felt abused by her because of how much over sharing she’s done with me since I was very young. I felt my voice was silenced and felt like an emotional support pet to her. Over the years I’ve said things to her like I feel like I feel like a punching bag, I feel she transfers her anxieties onto me. Other things she’s said is she doesnt know if she could go on living if I were to die, if she ever dies and she has children she wants her children to go to me, and she can see us living together( when she was well into her 40s), and asking me if I’ll be the one to wipe her butt when she’s elderly. It’s not until recently that I felt manipulated when I noticed she was not receptive to me saying no to her venting excessively to me. I accused her of being manipulative because I felt I’ve given so much of myself and time to supporting her emotionally and on 2 occasions she cried because I wasn’t giving her a special kind of support she wanted from me.