Ep. 134 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@sshuggi]

This was like a dad listening to his child come home from daycare and tell him everything he did that day.

[@nazarsoroka23]

“that was exhausting.” 😂

[@die4race]

Listening to him struggling to express his feelings like a child is indeed exhausting , " And and and... like like...so so...so cool you know ...it was really really fun "

[@danielhelms8754]

Bro this is so accurate 😂🤣

[@ladyloud8796]

Bahahahahahahahaha this comment got me good 😂🤣😂

[@Cyxz666]

I said this before about 2 years ago on a 2b1c. Bert is like 5 children stuck in one body trying to use one mouth to talk

[@chrisbgolfpro]

I'm just glad that Bert is finally coming out of his shell and we can learn more about him.

[@mitchellredhead2858]

ahahah wottt

[@stonage81]

I love that a couple episodes ago they talked about making Bort more fashionable and he shows up today looking like this

[@Austinadcock]

They obviously hired a stylist. This look will be everywhere this summer.

[@shoonger001]

@@Austinadcock where have you been? This has been around. Just missing the cut jeans with boots...

[@natephant]

Shows up like he just got done looking for curious George

[@jenniferdennis6465]

@@Austinadcock 😆

[@rp1780]

@@natephant that cracked me up hahahaha

[@HEAT3WADEan]

I feel like Bert has these “wake up call” moments like twice a month.

[@Howitchewstofeel5gum]

One of the many benefits of having wet brain

[@chriskeyneighbors]

Bert's sudden awareness of his party snitching, immediately followed by continuing to party snitch is what I'm here for.

[@mikelfc12]

Amen

[@rOhmz]

Has anyone ever noticed how Tom is slowly treating Brent more and more like an R-worded cousin with each episode?

[@dakotalenzi7630]

He’s the cousin Tim never asked for and is forced to deal with because you have to be nice to people with special needs……

[@kat-rau.]

I love their dynamic lately. Bert does/says some crazy shit, Tom says, "that was some fucking crazy shit you just said". Then Tom does his open mouth dad laugh.

[@penniewyatt9391]

Tom turning into Top Dog more and more each week.

[@carynmartin6053]

Yeah and I don't think it's funny anymore bc I think he means it

[@petertheoneandonly9752]

Yes

[@_benholmes_]

Bert on JRE: "I never drink in the morning." Bert on 2 bears: "I had shot of tequila yesterday at 9 AM" 🤣🤣🤣

[@bigflyed1]

Legit can’t trust a single thing he says, especially when it comes to his drinking habits

[@brinareal6501]

Joe definitely decided not to challenge him on it. We all know the truth.

[@dalelane1948]

Duh, a shot of tequila isn't really drinking

[@benbrown5495]

The issue here is burnt’s definition of “drinking” and yours. Us normal humans consider drinking to be anytime we consume alcohol. Brett on the other hand, if he hasn’t had 3 double Tito’s and sodas and opening up a bottle of wine then he isn’t “drinking”

[@marcperdue6575]

I thought the same damn thing! He doesn't want to get scolded my Joe so he lies. Hilarious! His drinking habit and heal though is not hilarious. Its scary and sad....😞

[@maliciousmalicke]

Someone PLEASE compile everytime Bart says he's gonna be "jacked" or "lose weight". It's gotta be somewhere around 75 hours worth of clips! 🤣

[@user-wg6hm3wo9p]

And then make a video of Bert working out while that video plays

[@maliciousmalicke]

@@user-wg6hm3wo9p there's ALOT of things counteracting each other in his life lol

[@xXNekroxSinXx]

then he just gets fatter and flappier. nowhere near jacked.

[@gambitxe]

Fuckin 4 sets of 5 bro. Gonna be jacked in no time

[@Joshua.Graham]

Can’t believe he’s almost 50

[@MrChalac]

Tom's subtle roasts that go right over Berts head kill me everytime hahaha. "You have the coolest stories"

[@jeffcalton4092]

I used to laugh with joy at this show. It's now a more nervous laughter for Bert. Damn dude

[@goldenboypierre3284]

Bert's next tour should be named "I'm throwing up everywhere"

[@zigwil153]

Yeah, double entendre.

[@tigerlily9981]

😂

[@tobynoll999]

I'm 280lbs, but I have just about the same measurements as Bart. I really have to reevaluate my health since I'm so similar to Brentt as far as health goes. I go to doctors and get the same response he does where they have no idea how my blood work is perfect. If I needed motivation to get healthier, it's this episode.

[@Shrapnel92]

Burnt sounds UH-HUNDRED percent like a coke head in this episode.

[@MonsterATX]

He also UH-Hundred percent can’t ever shut the hell up enough to let Tom complete a sentence.

[@bmp3073]

I was wondering if he did some rails before they hit record

[@mikealaniz7236]

He’s always like this. But what a shocker a celebrity doing coke.

[@enthuziast]

@@bmp3073 🎯- when he slaps the table twice

[@areixable]

I wish I had Berts confidence and Toms honesty.

[@ChrissiPuk]

Same!

[@JoshAndMurph]

Tim: I’m Coming Everywhere. Bart: I’m Drinking Everyday.

[@dustinharvey5393]

Bert: "nobody knows how to tell a story" Also Bert: *takes 10 minutes to tell a 2 minute story*

[@nickoftime3170]

And one minute of that two minutes is also completely useless.

[@Stonewalljax12]

@@nickoftime3170 you know for watching these constantly and complaining like a whining cunt, you’d think you’d watch sumn else

[@Jdowling357]

Barnts breath control is amazing, due to the nonstop word diarrhea. He's just so excited about everything. COOOOOOL

[@TomfuckeryAfoot]

Barnts is a fun new one I haven’t seen

[@Battlefox64_RL]

Brunch should try scuba diving. He probably float but just strap some weights to him.

[@enthuziast]

Cocaine is a hell of a drug

[@duckhoward]

I love how Brett is always just on the cusp of getting really buff... keep living your truth Brent!

[@evanprotsman9623]

Bret: Trying to explain in a span of five hours about what type of hat he wants Tom: ”Foooo that was exhausting” 🤣🤣🤣

[@Stina85]

Bert wiggling in his seat while he is excited talking to Tom is just so darling and endearing! 😂 I adore his confidence and unwavering commitment to doing what brings him joy. 💕

[@jackburrows9861]

Bert's facial swelling is directly correlated with his hat size. He thinks, if he puts on a big enough hat, it will dwarf the size of his face.

[@zachleprieur2871]

See that's funny and clever. Compared to most comments here.

[@whatwhat9599]

Kinda sad actually

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

He's willing to do ANYTHING except actually improve his health. It's astounding, sort of impressive even.

[@maliciousmalicke]

It's brine... He's collecting salt water lol

[@eljay2008]

His face has finally taken it’s final form. Swollen and red from the Booze. Next his nose is gonna start growing.

[@FDietzNutz]

No way Brent goes from consistently throwing up in his throat to being jacked in one month

[@comfort_hash3334]

Micky Mantle gene

[@bmoulton8844]

Monday morning with both of my personalities, Tim and Bart.

[@fernandocarvallo9135]

Dr. Tim and Mr. Bart

[@tnntlmmn277]

that's too bad

[@Tha1leeG]

Is it me or is Bret getting worse?? Orrrr is it Timothy no longer reigning him in? Don’t get me wrong I still faaaaackin laaaaaaav it!! Keep on living it up Brent, I give you 6months bfr the inevitable (I jest, take care)! Peace ✌🏻 out

[@ToughLuckHaze]

your personalities huh?

[@ogmickeydiamond]

@@Tha1leeG Tommy’s getting soft in his old age

[@zachariahsmith508]

Bert saying he likes Tom for his eye thing he does when he’s annoyed because only he sees it. Meanwhile Tom does it every episode to the camera about Bert 😂

[@coffeeabuse]

The bigger the hat, the closer Bret is to meeting his maker.

[@TheFreedomofLiving]

🤣🤣🤣

[@zigwil153]

He’s a child.

[@coltonbittner]

@@zigwil153 we know this

[@jacobfield9498]

@@zigwil153 damn, so you’re saying a child is making more money than almost everyone in this comment section? We should be mad at ourselves at that point 😂💀

[@LuckyLuch1]

@@jacobfield9498 many children are, have you heard of those toy review channels? Those little shits are making millions lol.

[@specialjeffy333]

Bert’s list of eating and drinking habits is starting to sound more and more like Rogan reading Hunter S. Thomson’s journal

[@cliffcoats3543]

Bert is living up to an old Texas saying: All Hat, No Cattle

[@captnbeebopaloobop]

Uh, hundred percent!

[@the_Dogpacker]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 brilliant

[@cayvinuniverse]

Bert: Epic rant about Hats Tom: “That was exhausting” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@JacSchmeck]

Little does Bert know… Tom shoots Bert those irritated eyes every episode.

[@jewby795]

Very bizarre that Bert thinks no one else has noticed Tom does that. Thats the source of like 90% of nadav’s laughs on this show

[@dakotalenzi7630]

Literally does it egregiously at 1:21:05

[@carynmartin6053]

I don't think it makes Tom look as cool he thinks it does

[@maciaz6401]

@@carynmartin6053 I dont think thats the goal

[@Piggyn]

Tom probably feels like a 15-year-old that was forced to sit at the little kids' table at Thanksgiving.

[@kevlanb8779]

We need an episode where all of Bert’s bus mates speak the truth to all Barts lies.

[@sissyofFreemont]

It's like he's physically turning into Santa.

[@rigney777]

Like Tim Allen half way through the movie

[@dakotalenzi7630]

Santa isn’t as fat nor as racist as Brent…..

[@kathleenp3135]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@Js-hu5cm]

😂

[@scratonicity]

Bert is the definition of self indulgence in every possible way.

[@Gav229]

Bert the B.L.O.A.T.

[@robdubent]

🤣

[@ryano9902]

Biggest Lush of All Time

[@PolarBlairTech]

So today I learned Bert almost suffocates himself in his sleep on a regular basis. Great episode.

[@Raaandy]

Blart: talks about how terrible he's been living for months and months. Blart 3 minutes later: talks about how he's on a "health kick."

[@dntgvafuk89]

Nadav will definitely win their weight loss competition in November 😆😆😆

[@Raaandy]

@@dntgvafuk89 Haha it was never going to be close.

[@grahamwalden2867]

I had to look to see if I'd already seen this one

[@grahamwalden2867]

​@@dntgvafuk89 I don't think bert is even participating anymore.

[@harshman121092]

Also Blart: “I was vegan for about 45 minutes.”

[@Howitchewstofeel5gum]

You can see literally zero muscle when Bert is "flexing" 😂🤣

[@neighborbruce]

In case he hasn't mentioned it before, Bert DOES NOT CHEAT ON HIS WIFE!!

[@newsrapper]

Narrator : but he does

[@bigflyed1]

Yeah but he wants to. Never seen a more unhappy person lie to everyone and say everything’s great. Wonder why he drinks every hour of the day and lies to people about everything

[@JerrybearTV]

@@bigflyed1 damn bro 😂😂😂

[@fuoser]

even if he could he wouldnt, but the 3rd degree burn victim redness certainly helps.

[@Resnichkin]

But he got a burner phone for “bitches”

[@nickeybordelon4474]

I love that Tom encourages Bert..you know he finds it incredibly entertaining.

[@nickeybordelon4474]

And I also love that Bert the most non athletic human on earth ordered thousands of dollars worth of tank top jerseys because he was inspired by a show.. I would love to be friends with him..

[@goosehadley4434]

Bert’s the most LA. Texan I’ve ever seen!

[@Murphthemick]

Kristine is so much worse than bort

[@skeetinyoureye6484]

They are in Austin after all that kinda is the la of tx lol they don't even use plastic bags over there only paper like wtf

[@jeremyk_541]

It's Portland's sister city, lmao. It's way weirder than LA

[@jaytxa2791]

@@jeremyk_541 weirder than LA when’s the last time you were there what a 💩🕳

[@zigwil153]

ADHD in full effect. Comes across like his heart is going to explode out of his chest as in Alien movies.

[@yusufalhajj9814]

Bert “I like Tom for the things no one sees.” Tom immediately looks into camera doing the exact thing Bert thinks only he sees.

[@drock1577]

Jesus I’d love to hear the end to one of Toms stories before Bert derails it.

[@bwbh117]

Same...probably what Tom's other podcasts are for.

[@cafferacer]

My theory is Tom is so fukin smart he doesn't want anything he does on pods. He saves it for his standup. Bert is the perfect hobo to never give up anything funny or related to your comedian career. Slight of hand dude

[@enthuziast]

Too much noise candy

[@christopher2808]

I'm alone all day driving on my birthday. I'm happy I got to listen to you guys today.

[@PM-yl6yy]

Happy birthday 🎂

[@ItsJoKeZ]

gaslighting bert making him believe he looks fit at all 😂 man was flexing glad bags of butter

[@jayknight139]

LMFAO glad bags

[@LimorG]

In fairness,his arms aren't nearly as fat as his gigantic gut and balloon face

[@babyhands9287]

A very Joey Diaz-like figure

[@zb2584]

😂😂😂

[@Cloudroth]

LMAO

[@interovic]

During the pandemic, my acid reflux was terrible. Late night snacking with the mommies took its toll and I was vomiting acid sometimes too. I love 2B1C because I thought that was terrible and was a low point, until I listened to Bart telling us about his sleep vomit. Thanks Krishna!

[@toxikmusic_]

100 per-cent

[@whatwhat9599]

Uh hundred percent

[@eljay2008]

If your health resembles Bert’s in any way, it is in fact terrible and a low point.

[@taylorrussell215]

@@eljay2008 but he’s jacked man, he’s been lifting weights, you see his arms?

[@eljay2008]

@@taylorrussell215 just saw them now sorry, I was distracted by his tomato face 🍅

[@PM-yl6yy]

I love them together, their dynamic is unmatched

[@niteshade8546]

Burp looks like a bearded dodge ball in a Mountie hat.

[@b.newsome8696]

You made my life with this one

[@meghankeller4871]

I love that only Bert gets to enjoy Tom shooting eyes when Tom hears something dumb/outrageous… Don’t tell Bert 😂

[@robdubent]

I had a dream the other day that I met Bruce. In the dream he talked so much and was so exhausting it actually woke me up.

[@bluetextbooks]

I'll pass on mtg him IRL. Unless we are at a bar.

[@jonathanknelsen8195]

Every time I watch this show and drink a beer, I start to understand Bruce more and more.

[@ItsJoKeZ]

is there some deal Timmy signed with the devil where the better he gets/looks the worse Barf gets?

[@JakeRaymond7]

Tom Tom over here sucking Berk's soul out.

[@dntgvafuk89]

Spot on 😆

[@grahamwalden2867]

this is a theory that needs to be explored 😮

[@zigwil153]

Bret is the painting. Trey is the person.

[@MichaelWutsch]

Together they will always weigh 500lbs combined, the weight is transferring from tim to brant

[@juulmex7184]

i know this is what every episode is like but holy hell does Bert know how to bulldoze a conversation

[@goosehadley4434]

Praise the Lord! Bert’s not racist anymore! ✊

[@shoonger001]

✊

[@roseonmyarm8056]

But he’s still bangs dogs

[@RedSntDK]

Bert pulling out a measurement tape out of nowhere and measuring his drum-like body was some of the best shit I've seen here. 😂

[@D_Trade]

Bert is exactly like my dogs when I come home after being gone for a few days

[@the_Dogpacker]

Dead?

[@dustinzs]

Thank you guys for this Pod! I needed this today. I just lost my father and needed some levity in my life to help me get through this tough time. You guys are the best!

[@taia-b8f]

The idea of Bert gatekeeping the concept of liking Tom is hilarious

[@Cyxz666]

it's like when a kid won't let you play with his toy because it's his and only he can play with it

[@6rings233]

Like a middle school girl

[@ryanalexander984]

He’s afraid of Tom finding someone else he likes more than bert. So Bert constantly hangs around him and knocks away anyone that gets too close to Tom. Like when you introduce two of your friends to each other and then they start hanging out without you.

[@GPard970]

This was Bert’s best episode. Murdered.

[@jamesgreen8280]

Bert: Like when someone does something outside the social norm, the way you look at them. I’m the only one that gets to see that. Really Bert, everyone watching the podcast gets to see that look multiple times an episode when Toms listening to you.

[@SuperChachor]

Bert missed Tom so much he wanted to tell him everything in this episode. 💙

[@Ryan82288]

Bert needs another sober October

[@borkchopp6329]

I would be genuinely interested to see a word count for each of them per episode.

[@tb4544]

We need an OCD or autistic 2B1C fan to step up to the plate and do this for us. It's a great idea.

[@ArcKless710]

" that was exhausting" -Tim Basically sums up the whole episode

[@thegentlemandrummer8753]

I saw Bert last week in San Antonio when he just got that hat. We couldn’t see his face the whole show 😂 Looks like someone told him after the show to stop wearing it

[@bongcrusha420]

while berts story is fucking hilarious, i hope he gets his shit together soon dudes burning the candle at both ends with a fucking blow torch lmfao

[@flux6829]

You’re telling me Brent’s face being fire hydrant red ISN’T a sign of good health?

[@LimorG]

There'll be nothing left of him but a pile of vomit and a big dumb hat.

[@eljay2008]

I am legitimately concerned. There’s needs to be an intervention.

[@grahamwalden2867]

I love drunkfatbert and he blocked me on IG for legitimate concern. people are mean to him online but there are those of us who really worry about him because while he has several glaring personality disorders he isn't hurting anyone but himself and we want him to stick around.

[@MichaelWutsch]

@@grahamwalden2867 I don't really care

[@lilswanzo4612]

Tom’s constant looks to the panel like “was that… a sentence?” 😂

[@bmfrandomness1565]

Just saw Tommy Friday, on my birthday. If you haven't seen him on this new tour, DO IT!

[@perkyfawkes]

Happy birthday! 🎂 I saw him on Thursday for mine. 😁

[@bmfrandomness1565]

@@perkyfawkes happy birthday!! Nice of him to perform for us on our days! Haha

[@timstradley5819]

You bet I’m coming up in June to see him

[@dieselg33k]

If he comes to western Canada....

[@aaronspencer9415]

This show is becoming an ethical experiment. How much enjoyment can be derived from watching two very funny friends have hilarious conversations as one of them slowly kills himself? Mondays on KZbin! Try it out!

[@ntutino1980]

Somebody in the subreddit called it Brett’s Smokey the Bear 🐻 hat and just realized how accurate that is

[@Nick22257]

So thankful i got to see Tom for the first time live last night in grand rapids! Thanks for coming up here

[@jemiiam]

Bert still talks about Christy Mack like he just found out about her and hasn't talked about her every episode for the past few years

[@dakotalenzi7630]

Someone should tell him there’s other people that do porn that look even better than her…Guy is an adult child, just lost in his own head…..

[@MichaelWutsch]

Like, I'm aware she is his favorite and I don't like either of them

[@jrmne6198]

Please don’t ever stop doing this podcast.

[@TweetWolph]

You give Bert a banana he’ll talk about it for days

[@arthurrfagundes16]

The best banana i ever had screeeeeench

[@ICUP570]

And he'd eat it in some fucked up way

[@hectorponce4234]

“That was exhausting” 😂😂😂 Tom is a blessing

[@zigwil153]

Bret is proof-positive that narcissistic ignorance is bliss. I’ve been cursed with self-awareness. I’m not being sarcastic.

[@prod.bynil-oh7440]

If U rich If U poor narcissistic ignorance might Not be for u

[@personatthebay]

@@prod.bynil-oh7440 U need to not use pointless capitals in your sentances

[@ShadySKWASHA]

You should try opiates, they help out

[@prod.bynil-oh7440]

@@personatthebay it s autocorrection my Phone dosnt like english

[@crackerbarreIkid55]

Amen brother. I am the same and can’t imagine living like Bret

[@nataliem.2651]

Berry drives me to stop drinking again. I cannot end up like him.

[@Shiftdougler]

Allen Carr’s stop drinking now, highly recommend. I watch Bert primarily to remind me of what drinking does to a person. 202 days sober

[@steveeickmeyer4067]

wake and bake and 2 bears is the way to start the day

[@jrivera6756]

The fact Bert and Tom reach out to their audience and basically provide work for some fans is some true leader shit 👏

[@littlevirus168]

Bret, you’re exhausting man. We love Tom because of his absolutely chill humour

[@carynmartin6053]

Bert is such a good hearted person, so innocent and honest and loving, anyone who he considers a friend is lucky,for life, as long as they stay as loyal to him

[@mr.eparish3945]

I don't think you understand love my friend

[@ben6720]

Berts final form is him wearing the pinwheel hat and a o.j Jersey.

[@LimorG]

I'm actually here for it 😂

[@tigerlily9981]

😂😂😂🥂

[@enthuziast]

Omg you won #1 comment gosh darnit low key 🔑 FIREEE

[@adaption196]

The world through Bert's eyes must be fascinating

[@ChrissiPuk]

Agreed 👍

[@daviddobarganes9115]

New Bert drinking game: take a shot every time Bert mentions "Inside Baseball"

[@LimorG]

Another one every time he interrupts HIMSELF.

[@filiptudyka9447]

As usual Bert mentioning things he is OBSESSED with now

[@trevor_r]

Bert: "My favorite thing you ever do, that no one gets to see but me, is when someone does something out of the social norm and you just shoot eyes" Bert isn't self-aware enough to realize he just described 95% of the interactions on this podcast whenever he's describing his "normal" behaviors or thoughts and we all see Tom do that as Nadav cackles in the background

[@ManateeMentality]

“I love jackets.” -Tom Segura

[@Cyxz666]

Tom and Nadav talking to Bert flexing like you do to a 4 year old "oh WOW so ripped"

[@probablynot879]

while watching his muscleless balls of full white cream he calls biceps. I am morbidly obese.

[@teddnagurski5583]

Bert's hat game is always on point.

[@mikeylikey710]

He’s even redder, koolaid man is evolving

[@coffeeabuse]

That's so much sugar!

[@mikeylikey710]

@@coffeeabuse be one with diabetes…woosah

[@ToughLuckHaze]

“Even redder”

[@mikeylikey710]

@@ToughLuckHaze drink up

[@SkylorBeck]

Bert has now told the story of his doctor telling him hes killing himself two weeks in a row.

[@absoluteMJ]

Best part of Bert’s Summer look is the cocaine habit

[@Todd936]

Saved my day more than u know

[@ryanhatch7623]

So clutch that y'all drop an hour earlier.

[@johnmills1956]

Lmfaooo 1:37 Bert made the perfect squeaking chair sounds 🤣🤣🤣

[@DanielSantos-mf3hh]

Bart looks like he is about to tell kids to start forest fires.

[@nulledpixel]

I was scrolling these comments and found yours. I'm still laughing.

[@benjaminjones5817]

Bert's energy is absolutely legendary.

[@dakotadad8835]

Bert discovering hats are made into a shape and they just don’t come pre made is hilarious

[@Gunbudder]

37:43 its kind of trippy to hear bert describe where i live. that disc golf course is pretty amazing, and he's almost certainly talking about Azteca which is a great mexican place. there are about 300 bars in that area too

[@gillesa630]

Bert talks hats for 6 minutes straight...and Tom makes me laugh 2 times with 2 sentences.

[@MyhorseInthegravy]

Bert is the child that Tom talks about in his stand-up “kids are the worst storytellers”, hilarious. Can’t put two words together. Love these two. 👍🏽❤️

[@1lucia]

I love how bert swallows all syllables except for the first and last one in the sentence lol