MY STORY | Suicide Prevention Day 2020

Suicide Awareness Day 2020: my experience with depression and a suicide attempt.
For context: I have been open and honest with my story for a number of years now - but I had never retraced my steps to determine exactly what date I attempted suicide; or the memories directly around it.
Recently I did exactly that, and it was something I struggled with more than I expected to, however, I will now be better off for it in the long term having confronted the reality of my traumatic experience, to better frame my future decisions/mental wellbeing.
I have raised over £50,000 for men's mental health and suicide prevention, and plan to continue to do so.
10% off Awesome Supplements: FERGUS10 awesomesupplements.co.uk
10% off Vivobarefoot: FERGUS10 www.vivobarefoot.com/uk
10% off Love Lane Brewing: FERGUS10 lovelanebeer.com/shop-page/
Instagram: / ferguscrawley
Facebook: / fstcrawley

[@johnkennedy68]

To, anybody who’s reading this, I pray that whatever is hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. May the dark thoughts, the overthinking, and the doubt exit your mind right now. May clarity replaces confusion. May peace and calmness fill your life. God bless you Amen

[@wrenchrat]

I’m struggling with serious depression and daily thoughts of suicide. My dog is really the only reason I haven’t blown my brains out. But I want to die every day, the loneliness is so painful I just want it to stop. It’s really hard to talk about because it scares people. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@Bentoto97]

Is it okay to kill ourselves to death if we're locked in prison for life?

[@RobE8475]

Find someone to talk to friend. So many more people care than you think. No idea who you are or where you are in the world but I hope things have improved.

[@micklydon255]

My twin brother took his own life 17th August 2020 aged 49 I'm glad your still here he was like you stay with us 💕

[@japonia40]

I'm so sorry about your brother. I know how difficult for you is this time. He is in better places right now. I have a twin brother and how stressful for me is every situation when I don't know any resolution to help him.

[@veronicachristopher-fellow5866]

Oh no how did he die sorry for your lose

[@paulh8281]

Many thanks Fergus and respect. I'm 63, made two suicide attempts one at 22 and another at 40. I thought I was an alcoholic and this was the reason why, so I went to AA and got on with life. Things started to go awry again around 2003, I broke up with my then partner - I was at the time living in Germany. I knew I had to do something about it but like you I believed in the black-and-white metrics of being a man, including all the BS surrounding masculinity etc. I returned to the UK in 2005, got a job. In 2014 an occurrence at work, in which I verbally gave a customer a bashing, I was forced to do something. As said, I thought I was an alcoholic. Instead after a session with the work psychologist and some counselling, it was established I had PTSD and was in the midst of what turned out to be my second (untreated) depressive episode. As an ex-serviceman there were thankfully people I knew, who themselves had suffered depression and/or had PTSD. One of them a friend of 30-odd years got me onto a programme. If the programme taught me nothing else, it taught me to be honest and truthful about my feelings, even my innermost. And that we each have another perspective, of what normal means. Thankfully, in the tween-time I have re-discovered some old talents, nothing as vigorous as your own. Once again, thank you, I think you are an immensely brave person, a role-model and inspiration to all those who might find themselves - if only for a short while - on the other side of sanity.

[@normanmacfarlane6724]

Thank you I read your post and I heard your voice Whatever you are doing to stay here do not stop doing it I'm in Western Australia .

[@anatman6304]

I've suffered with chronic treatment-resistant depression, OCD & anxiety since high school - over 35 years. In all that time, few days have gone by where I've not thought about suicide. Sometimes contemplating it is the only thing that calms me down. And the only thing that seems to help are videos of suicide-attempt survivors telling their stories, bc I feel they are the only ones who can understand. So, thank you for this video.

[@justuspinckney2234]

Thanks for sharing your story! Glad you’re still with us.

[@TheJoshTownsend]

Huge respect Fergus you have been a true inspiration to me the last few weeks the fact you can sit there and speak so openly about your situation and your battle with mental health gives me hope that if we all speak to one another the world can be a better place

[@TirnanHealy]

You’re helping so many men, you should be proud that you are using true mental strength and introspection to save lives. I’m going to support you and you’re channel as much as I can because your message is truly just and noble. Thank you.

[@gritmusic336]

Thank you for your honesty and openness brother. Your helping more people that you know hy being honest about your experiences. Stay strong! And to those out there suffering remember you are not alone!

[@jpattarb]

Thank you for sharing! It's amazing to see how far you've come since and I really do wish you all the very best mentally, physically and professionally. Stories like this really can make a difference so huge respect for your honesty and bravery.

[@nathanpurcell2495]

Thank you for sharing this, the way you talk about everything that’s happened has helped me a lot, so I’d like to say thank you for that!

[@gojuknuckles]

Thanks for sharing. Mental health has affected numerous loved ones of mine and the importance of talking and sharing cannot be understated. Glad you’re with us still! Found your channel after deciding to take up running and cycling and the content is a great inspiration!

[@pjafeuerbach8060]

Nothing but respect Fergus mate. I have been going to therapy for over a year now but had always kept it a secret from my mates. Last couple of weeks I opened up to some of my mates partly because of you. Thank you for your content

[@keithronson2624]

Fergus. You are Incredible. Thank you. It is the 25th December, which as we know amplifies all the negatives of life. I can relate so much to what you have been through. I am older than you and have my daily 'battle' with my own Black dog. Depression never leaves. It is simply a case of managing and going forward. And being able to talk. Like you being outside and helping others helps me simply to survive. Having lost friends to suicide and the devastation it leaves behind is a powerful reason to try to be there for others. Thank You, Fergus. You are truly an inspiration and take care of yourself and those you love. And here's to a better 2022. Stay safe and strong.

[@onemanswrld405]

This takes guts man. As a hybrid athlete myself, with my own struggles with mental health, you are a true inspiration. Keep being great brother! Much love💪🏼

[@StayTuned...70s80s]

Thank you for sharing this. Glad you're still here. The more open we are, the better we all are. It gives company to that lonely dark place. A light becomes a wanted thing. No longer alone, oh how bright that light can shine !! Thank you for the video, integrity, and honesty. 🙂

[@andeevosters3890]

You're a real-life example of using your struggle for purpose. Wow, thank you for your beautiful encouragement and your willingness to be vulnerable. I look forward to sharing your video with others. Bless you and all your work you're doing!

[@nobleman5271]

Well done on speaking so articulately and openly. You’re a great communicator. Top man.

[@mickarmitage5567]

So much respect to you for making this video Fergus. Such a brave and honest video. I didn't realise I was watching with tears rolling down my cheeks. So much of what you said resonated with my own feelings. I've been really struggling since my marriage broke up and I've said to friends that without my dog I literally don't know what I'd have done. The feeling of loneliness is very much still there. I have had times, exactly the same as you said, about not speaking out loud to someone for days at a time too. I think the maximum time is three days so far, except to my dog of course. I worry about the day I hear him talk back lol. I just wanted to let you know that this video has inspired to talk to trusted friends more. And to try to open up more to them. Maybe I had spoken to the wrong friends before because I didn't feel better afterwards. In fact i felt as though they were looking at me more suspiciously and with less respect than before. I'm not sure if this makes sense, i know I'm rambling. Anyway, you have my utmost respect Fergus. You're a top man. Ps I love that thrudark jumper

[@alcurtis93]

This was incredibly brave. Well done for publishing this and I think it's incredible where you've come from and looking at where you are now.

[@Nayz13]

Even though I’m female , I can totally relate. My parents are both British, never demonstrated ‘emotions’ and so I was never able to express myself comfortably or feel vulnerable, it causes so many internal struggles. I won’t say more but thankyou for sharing yourself like this Fergus

[@agustinbecerra8453]

Thank you for sharing this, Fergus. I started following you recently, not because of this, but now i found this video (and all things you do for Men's mental health) and i'm more then happy to find you. Greetins from Argentina, you are welcome any time you want to come here and hit some trainnings!

[@TradesmanOutdoorAdventures]

Stumbling on this 2-3 years later, and I’m shocked it has a few views and likes as it does. Fergus, you’re a blessing for flagging this challenge, especially how society straight-jackets men into not engaging with their networks (especially other men).

[@Someuglydude12]

I’ve accepted that these thoughts will never go away and I’ll never probably be truly happy. But understanding death is inevitable either way. Why give up now. So many people feel the same way. Thank you for your story and your strength

[@alexanderbuess290]

in 2020 I was looking at the trees outside and thought which ropes I had in the house. I looked onto my sofa, saw my dogs and cats and knowing what they would have to go through I did not stand up and got the rope. I owe them my life and won't forget it. Thank you for sharing your story, we men need to start talking more openly.

[@latehowie9671]

Thank you for sharing your story...it is a sign of strength and I respect you. It will help others❤️

[@ASMinor]

I am an avid #mentalhealthawareness advocate and #spokenword performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my KZbin channel, so I get excited when I see other advocates. 💚

[@Andy-ss8yg]

look how far youve come now mate! i can go weeks without anyone making contact with me, so it does get hard, isolated at work, no social life, and completley lost all motivation recenently. Have watched a few of your videos today and now looking at some workout programs, its been a few months since i worked out. But yeah, all the best.

[@mattwilloughby8486]

Thankyou Fergus for being open and honest to share this, so inspiring! Keep being you, you are impacting lives without even knowing it..! Much love to you brother.

[@johnkennedy68]

To, anybody who’s reading this, I pray that whatever is hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. May the dark thoughts, the overthinking, and the doubt exit your mind right now. May clarity replaces confusion. May peace and calmness fill your life. God bless you Amen

[@josephbaker6804]

Thankyou! very helpful words. Very encouraging to hear your journey from the depths of the darkest human experiences to a better life with purpose.

[@markdalton3900]

Powerful i dealt with this many years ago ! wow depression is a liar,you rock man hard to understand why you felt bad as awesome as you are !

[@wolfpack1441]

Thank you for sharing your story Fergus. I started following you recently and, having had therapy help me quite a bit in the past, I appreciate you sharing your story and experiences for all to see. It can't be easy but I find it inspiring to set the example myself and hopefully positively impact others the way you are. Here's to a strong finish to 2020 and the years to come!

[@johnkennedy68]

To, anybody who’s reading this, I pray that whatever is hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. May the dark thoughts, the overthinking, and the doubt exit your mind right now. May clarity replaces confusion. May peace and calmness fill your life. God bless you Amen

[@villes7955]

I admire the honesty and courage. Mental health problems should be spoken about more openly.

[@JSJSpeaks]

Thank you for sharing your story and advocating for our collective, ubiquitous mental health care, just as we have responsibility for seeking care when any other dysfunctional conditions within our bodies, we must honor and protect our brains. We can't live without them, they are crucial and vital to our humanness, and why should we suffer in silence under any stigma to spare other people's discomfort in discussions about what affects us all? I'll never understand why we expect that shaming people into wellness is anything other than foolishly fatal. Acceptance is as important to accessible mental health care, for we are all a piece of the whole, inseparable from the core truths of our shared human condition.

[@thefinster]

Thanks so much for this excellent content. I've really been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the last few months. Your recommendation to address the situation we're in through honest conversation, as it is in reality, and head on, sounds simple but has been a bit of a breakthrough for me. Thank you bro.

[@ferguscrawley95]

Hope you're doing okay Finlay! Glad to hear this has been of help - just make sure to continue that open conversation moving forwards!

[@hanspeter5752]

Thanks for sharing, mate! Glad you're here!💪🏼🔒

[@30somethingmike]

Just found your channel and watched this. I had to comment - thank you so much for sharing this. I definitely felt like men were supposed to keep this stuff to ourselves in the past, to my detriment and I’ve since learned the benefit of talking, supporting and engaging with people about mental health. Take care and all the very best

[@DannyBoyCFC]

Respect brother x

[@AdamKlingenberger]

You have it right, vulnerability is a sign of strength not weakness. I never had problems to the same extent, but I can absolutely relate to the underlying feelings and "masculine" pressures. I do think it's becoming more accepted for men to show emotions and show their "feminine" sides, and I hope that has a positive effect on mental health long term.

[@ThrottleTherapyyy]

Chin up brother. We all have our dark days but you have turned it around now and come out stronger for it. Keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine.

[@ferguscrawley95]

👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼

[@justmadeit2]

It’s the scariest thing you can feel to feel Sui cidal, it’s truly terrifying

[@grahamwilkinson6742]

I've just watched this Fergus I've suffering over the years with depression and it's something that does need talked about and good on you for your honesty. Thankyou sorry it's 2 year on watching this and would like to be involved in future movember challenges or anything that helps with suicide prevention.

[@babbaruff1045]

I struggle very badly with depression. Thanks for sharing your story pal. I too use exercise to help me, sobriety and prayer/meditation also help greatly 🤗🙏

[@MattBellMoves]

Ultimate respect man, thank you for sharing

[@ChrisLeFevre70]

Mate, this is an amazing video, thank you so much for posting this, I will be sharing this with the people I care and love! Not least my son! Again such amazing content!

[@ferguscrawley95]

Thanks Kit, appreciate it! Hope it proves useful for your son!

[@yugiohdulelinks1641]

​@@ferguscrawley95

[@fleursarinah4540]

🙏happy you are still here x

[@cdbextremo]

Thank you for sharing. You are an articulate and clearly empathetic man.

[@lesleygriffiths4773]

Thank you for sharing your story. I have only just started following you and you are a positive and motivational person. each video i watch i am learning so thank you. i am currently training for the welsh1000 in may 2022 so thank you for your videos and tips you put out there.

[@ferguscrawley95]

Thanks Lesley - appreciate it!

[@fullergrassmouse]

Much love dude, thanks for sharing. I think a lot of people can relate to some of these feelings in 2020.

[@mhhhsamsam5210]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/b2GViqaNirt0erM Ok

[@mhhhsamsam5210]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/b2GViqaNirt0erM Ok

[@user-mp9xz8yg4j]

I have found that generating the feelings of love is what is healing my depression. I’m sure it can work for you too!

[@Mylife0987_]

But how can we generate love 😢

[@danfuller5537]

Huge respect, mate x

[@mountainlife2411]

I'm pretty sure my dogs have saved me a few times. Always keep dogs around.

[@ferguscrawley95]

100%

[@breaking4hours-sparky_mark708]

Strong words, much love. 💪

[@no_excuses]

You're a great bloke and I thank you for sharing your personal story. I'm sure your future messages and chanelleges will help to inspire us all. Although I feel our male psyche is not understood by ourselves and those who are close to us. It's not a male cultural trait to show perceived weakness and to talk about how we are feeling.

[@justmadeit2]

It’s terrifying to feel so low, when you aren’t sleeping well, knots in your stomach of despair which affects your appetite, feeling sad but not able to release trapped emotion, feeling guilt and self loathing and other issues such as ruminating and obsessing over it all. It’s the worst thing you can experience. You can feel panicky and shaky inside at times with quite how low you feel

[@martintrevor9936]

Many thanks brother 100%with you,ive been in that dark place.

[@debbierennox931]

I am so glad you didn’t take your life fergus 😢mental health is real I have complex post traumatic stress disorder due to my childhood trauma I struggle to let people close to me got married two and a half years ago today my marriage is over mostly my fault and yes sucidal thoughts go through my head . Yes it’s good to be honest with our feelings your KZbin channel and your honesty will help other people . Depression is soul destroying when your depressed you feel a failure and you feel so alone and stuck it’s horrible 😢I know thank you for sharing

[@debbierennox931]

I to have a wee dog brilliant to get out walking in nature helps a lot

[@Bentoto97]

@@debbierennox931 Is it okay to commit suicide if being locked in prison for life?

[@tuhoruth7973]

Wow.....thank you for sharing, I have learnt so much through your story, live to help the others, God bless you and guide you always

[@ferguscrawley95]

Great to hear thank you!

[@thegreatnessoftheraiders4948]

Takes courage to share your story...👍🏿

[@ontheadventuretrails-scotl9389]

Hi Fergus, Its the right thing to do, telling your story! If it helps just one person open his eyes and makes him realise he's in the black hole. Your message just may show him he's not alone and there's a way out! #mentalhealthawareness

[@ferguscrawley95]

Thank you!

[@kathrynflannery2889]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@alexisroblero6510]

Thanks for this video!

[@matthewdross8925]

Thanks for sharing your story brother. God bless you

[@ferguscrawley95]

Thanks Matthew!

[@tylermckey8253]

I know it’s been a while since this has been posted but here’s for anyone that may see this: At 9yo I was in a wreck that killed my grandma, broke the bones of my little sister, little cousins, and aunt, and gave me a brain bleed/ concussion. I was traumatized by the blood on the face of my aunt as she turned around to see if were okay after another car hit us head on. I saw my grandma motionless in the seat in front of me. And heard nothing but a sharp ringing, a tone that I can only describe as being similar to the seismic charge in Star Wars 2, and not being able to get the door open. Therapy couldn’t come close to helping me. My siblings were constantly fighting with me and each other and it was getting to be too much. I cried my self to sleep every night and when my family was out of the house I would grab my dads 1911 and hold it to my head with the safety off and gently pulling on the trigger so that god could decide wether or not I belong on this earth. He ultimately said yes but that wasn’t the end of my poor self care. I would still struggle with the trauma for years and even started cutting again 2 years ago but stopped when my best friend was able to help me. 9 years later I still remember every single detail and how close I was to dying. Sometimes I feel like I should still be on a 504 and sometimes consider that it should have been me who died that day. But believe when I say that it’s the ones that love you and know you that get hurt in the end. Suicide helps no one. The world isn’t better off without you and you’re no better off without it. Just hang on for the chance that it can get better or at least bearable.

[@daltonpatrick730]

Thank you for sharing!

[@markwt2680]

Thanks for your courage and for sharing

[@kaciadam911]

To anyone watching god bless you

[@robertkeyte8144]

Well said, I have been there , and love wot u said

[@Azzi_0161]

Respect mate!

[@brennendehexe7934]

Thx for this vid bro

[@ferguscrawley95]

Hope it was useful in some way man!

[@stefanengdahl4121]

Thanks for sharing 👌 respect, you are a ⭐️

[@tracygiven2984]

Thank you keep sharing 🙏🙏🙏

[@KSCAR13]

Thank You ❤

[@docequillibrium5288]

As a woman (16- so I can call myself a woman), I would never tell anyone. I have to face this issue on my own. Emotional dependency causes even more problems.

[@ParisianPaddy]

thanks for this

[@forrest5549]

Thank you.

[@kathrynflannery2889]

I know indeed the feeling that I had no purpose. I felt I was not a valid person.

[@normanmacfarlane6724]

Thank you

[@isabellakerr7285]

You're a hero

[@LabRat6619]

My own battles stems from the anxiety caused by adult life in UK. This must be the most UNFRIENDLY macho country in Europe. Male adults are simply horrible to eachother. We are a nation of bigots, if there is a reason to look down on others we will. The economic situation seems to have made other men 100x more selfish than normal. I enjoyed this video during these rocky times.

[@vijayakrishna9369]

Someone gets suicidal thoughts when they could not find helping hand during tough time. Now myself in same situation....

[@mhhhsamsam5210]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/b2GViqaNirt0erM Ok

[@joannenascimento9213]

I have no family left.

[@Grace-Moon1993]

What do you mean your family passed away?!

[@Grace-Moon1993]

Are you alone?!

[@jigastone6238]

Trying to get through depression and other mental ilness and growing up as a person...

[@nidgehampson9186]

The more I watch the more a realise I've got suicidal thoughts but listening to you I need to fight these demons which I truly believe but no there not really me ( if that makes sense )

[@YM-vs5pl]

Hey man, I don’t know you personally but I care about you and I would be really sad if you do something hurtful to yourself. Stay safe

[@nidgehampson9186]

@@YM-vs5pl cheers my man . The thoughts are there scary but ain't got the balls to go . Made a mistake with my life easy way out but realise I got to somehow fight and live it's so confusing

[@YM-vs5pl]

Nidge Hampson yeah I feel u. I’ve gone through some pretty bad shit this year as well, but eventually it got much better. Don’t give up! The shit you are going through is only temporary.

[@nidgehampson9186]

@@YM-vs5pl theres room for us all .... I've got medication to help but it'll get worse b4 it gets better , so my mind is to fuck the suicide thoughts and keep trying and deal with my life how who nos and cheers mate your an inspirational voice and right in what you say and can hopefully achieve

[@Grace-Moon1993]

I tried to commit suicide in 2020 because nobody cared about me and I just hear voices since 2011 through every year!

[@steveyates1646]

I am so deep I thought that am I at my wits end?but I've been wronged! can't say much on social media but it's shit!!

[@AlbaHistory]

Hey I don't know what it's like to attempt suicide but I know what it's like to lose someone to suicide. If for any reason you are considering it please seek help if I could have spoken to my dad I would have tried my hardest to understand and change his fate. You don't know how much you miss someone until they are no longer here it affects the people you leave behind so please go get help or talk about things you are loved.

[@Swordofmichael333]

Rather leave the earth than stay on it. My time is coming!

[@alexreeve1876]

Hi mate rate this so much I’m wanting to get myself out there more and promote men’s mental health having suffered which has led to me losing my job in the army I’m now on the path to recovery with a new job my first house was wondering if you would ever consider letting me jump on a video where we can discuss it all and make more people aware and maybe get a few more people on if you know anyone ?

[@teddi161]

Luv

[@ronnierussell9459]

💪👊

[@japonia40]

I watched your film about your run path on the Union Canal. Film from 28 of Jul 2020 I'm proud I have the same area to run as You are. I hope we have the occasion to meet you. Pawel

[@japonia40]

I hope we have the occasion to meet on this path. Pawel

[@seshukumar9002]

Not everyone journey is same, You are right and you are wrong. Asking for Help is a gamble, it helps & it kills watch?v=Usz8fKA47-w

[@andrewcrookes5775]

I'm your friend 👍

[@KeepSweetGaming]

i hope ur still doing well bro ur fucking awesome and u love u but even if u find it hard to believe at least love ur self its what counts most !!!!