Balancing The Losses And Gains in Gender Transition

[@lucajesseapel6485]

Personally I've learnt to combat feelings of shame in relation to my scars by thinking of them as the physical proof of all my milestones. They remind me that I worked hard and did something momentous that has made me the person I am today. This works for even non-transition related scars; I fell off my bike while mountain biking once and have quite the scar on my leg now, but when I look at it I feel proud of myself for getting through that and for continuing to bike despite the fear of injury.

[@ems.225]

This is such an important conversation to have! There's a lot of perfectionism in our community when it comes to medical transition. I understand why, and it's important to hold surgeons up to a certain standard and demand the best that we can get, but we also live in a world where things are sometimes unpredictable. The way I see it now (before having had any surgery, and obviously not knowing how it's going to make me feel, so this might change in the future) is I have scars from self harm, and when I get surgery, I will also have scars from self love. Something about how the scars from self love will be bigger than the ones from self harm feels pretty poetic to me.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

What a beautiful way to view scars, self love, I love that! I agree about the surgeons standards, its very important to make sure we recieve great care and the best results possible but yes, a line needs to be drawn, for our own sanity and peace of mind really. Thank you for your wonderful comments my friend

[@genderchaotic]

hey Finn :-) I can feel the journey that you are on and the stage of acceptance you are in. I just want to say that cis males have scars, they have a huge spectrum in fertility, nipple size, etc. so don't think that your chest or genitals are any less than. xx love your videos xx

[@zelandonia]

Love this comment!!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend, I am aware of this and this is what has helped me move into acceptance. Thanks for the love, make me smile :)

[@tobijones1193]

this comment is sooo true I love it

[@tristanratcliffe8233]

"You do not get to have your transgender cake and eat it". Well put. I'm so glad you're doing well despite the split with Andrew. I've been following your journey for a long time and you give me a lot of hope for a happier life (because life ain't perfect!). Thank you for your posts.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

bless you my kind friend, thank you so much

[@sambroyd693]

Nice one Finn, in this world of body image etc, it's good to hear someone say enough is enough.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks buddy, its a real extra pressure for us isnt it? I think some of it comes from us wanting to prove we are male, so if we have the fit, tight muscle bound body we have arrived!

[@friendoftherese1]

Another lovely honest video Finn. I learn so much listening to you, and, interestingly enough, even as a cis female, there is so much I can relate to. I am at the menopausal stage of my journey, and I'm discovering all sorts of weird things happening to my body. Facial hair, weight gain (I was always one of those girls who could eat anything she wanted and stay skinny...not now!), and, of course, the end of baby-making. It's very strange; I have two children and don't want any more, but when your body says "time's up!" you do feel a sense of loss. So anyway, we all experience change and loss and gains on our journeys; yours is just so unique and trailblazing. I'm so glad you talk about all this; it has to be so encouraging for folks who are transitioning, and it's all so very human. All of us can understand your feelings. By the way, even if you can't have biological children, I hope you consider parenthood down the line. You would be a fabulous daddy!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

So kind of you, it really helps to know you relate, it shows that this is an universal human issue not just a trans one! Its very much a part of getting older too and that combined with trans stuff makes for a heady mix of things to grieve for! I do hope to be a dad one day, one way or the other! Thank you for your always kind and thoughtful comments.

[@noahmnm]

This was so well spoken Finn, you were really able to vocalize a lot of my thoughts/fears, so thank you. Really well done

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you my friend, thank you for that wonderful compliment

[@roberta1528]

I absolutely love your channel Finn. You always bring up important topics that I never really see talked about among the trans community. I wanted to thank you for that.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Its wonderful to be appreciated, thank you so much!

[@mirashelledowez4411]

Finn you're awesome no ones perfect! Our difference makes us beautiful. ❤️

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

How lovely of you!!

[@arcadiaduit]

As always Finn you explain things extremely well! You can present your feelings particularly well and I'm sure all Transmen can watch your videos and laugh to themselves (in a sad/happy reflective sort of way) because the things you say are things a lot of us probably think about but aren't sure how to explain verbally. Thank you, once again!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

thank you for such a lovely comment!

[@grayghost9]

Finn thank you for this video and continuing to share your wisdom. I am almost 3 months post op top surgery and I really needed to see this video. My scars are very long and overall my results are not great but I am much more comfortable and working my way towards acceptance of my new chest. Thanks again and I love that Lambycat is always doing something new in each of your videos. Enjoy your trip.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

thanks my friend. congrats on your recent birth of your pecs! you are still very early days, it can take a year before your chest properly settles and the scars begin to fade. acceptance is about being ok with where you are now but also realising that it may change. even at almost 3 years post op my nipples are changing, I was unsure about them at first but have grown to accept them but now find they are still settling! it really is a constant process!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

ps. . .love it when people notice lamby cats adventures!!!

[@BehindScars]

really enjoyed this video you make really good and interesting content! ❤

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks you so very much!

[@rickycurtis5823]

completely get the scar thing especially with the lower surgery scars. it's like I say... before I had top surgery it was my chest that gave me away, now yeah ok I have scars there but it's gone and a tshirt can hide my scars. if I was to have lower surgery the scars on my arm unless I wear jumpers and long sleeve tops all the time is gonna be on show so will always have a fear of outing me (not that people look at that and think trans) but it's the mindset that you get in with things. I love my scars and wouldn't change them for the world just society see scars as something bad having happened to you. great video again though and def gets you thinking.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

yes I know what you mean about the scar outing you as trans surgery is so much more in the media now. I don't think this will really have an impact on people that aren't connected to the trans community though, most people just wouldn't connect the scar to phallo , even if they had seen it in a documentary as people "not in the know" just don't believe we are trans! if that made sense?! lol looking forward to seeing you tomorrow bud

[@LoganJoannesRollerCoaster]

I love your thoughts of an imperfect body is more "real". And its so true. We do not need to be "perfect" Ken and Barbie dolls. We need to be structurally sound and presenting our true selves, but love and honor our imperfections that make us unique.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Absolutely!! Bodies are lumpy , bumpy, marked, uneven etc.....this makes us each beautifully unique!

[@NotStuckJustResting]

Love this. As always, so well spoken and thoughtful. =) Would you ever talk about loss and balance in the social and other aspects of transition beside medical and bodily?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I was thinking about doing this, there are aspects of loss in terms of how I'm treated now and what's expected of me. what sort of things were you thinking of my friend?

[@nielsjansendk]

Very important topic, and I relate 100%. You didn't mention the ridiculousness of comparing a 40+ year old trans body to a 20 year old athletic cis- or trans-body which is something I've had to stop doing. We see very few middle-aged bodies in the media, and I think it is a huge problem for self-esteem for everyone.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

yes!!!! I did speak about this in another vlog, it's something I have to constantly remind myself of too. a middle aged body does often have moobs or a tummy, a tight flat chest is rare unless you work out! realistic body age appropriate expectations are vital! thanks so much for making this comment my friend

[@UmbrellainaBox]

I totally resonate with that. I guess I'm being a bit contrary to what you said because I just removed one of my piercings to get it redone in a way which will match another one better, not that anyone else but me would notice. A bit on the smaller scale than what you're talking about! I need to remember what you say about perfection for when I get top surgery and not be too critical about where my nipples go or whatever. I know my chest won't be perfect, but the quality of life compared to now that it will give me is the main thing.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Lol yes that is a much smaller scale, and different really, that makes sense, but the constant self criticism of surgery results is a much bigger issue and often makes no sense. Its so important to remember that every body differs, every cis male has different size nipples, scars, marks etc, we are not alone and as I said this makes us more "real" I think! I have looked at lots of male chests and in a lot of comparisons mine is better, especially for a 42 year old man!

[@imaginareality]

I already have a bunch of self harm scars that I had to learn to accept. I think I would be fine with having top surgery scars. I don't know... scars are just something that I (people in general) collect throughout life and at least top surgery scars will be a reminder of something great :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

+imaginareality I absolutely agree with you my friend. Do l wish l was scar free? Sometimes yes but generally l look at my scars with a sense of pride for what lve overcome and a sense of joy for what they have given to me.

[@Ursulas_Odds_and_Sods]

I always liked the saying "Scars make your body more interesting" (the title of a story by Sherril Jaffe). They tell stories about who we are, where we've been, and how far we've come. I also like to think of my scars (from a car accident and seven surgeries) as my natural tattoos, and really miss one scar that looked like the Hebrew letter Shin (a symbol for one of God's names) that was on my right arm. I wouldn't be the same person without these scars, as much as I wish I'd never been run over by a car 13 years ago this coming 19 August. Eventually I had my burn scars on my stomach and abdomen surgically removed, and they were replaced by surgical scars. There are still scars there, but not as big and thick as they used to be. My plastic surgeon chose her speciality because it's a beautiful combination of science and art, and helping to make people happy by giving them bodies they want. For awhile, I was worried people wouldn't think I were a real burn survivor because I took advantage of the option to have that scar tissue removed, instead of carrying around my burn scars forever. Now I like to joke the one on my abdomen looks like a C-section scar on acid, since it's in the same place but curved instead of straight.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I agree with that! It took me a long time to come to terms with my self harm but in viewing them from a different perspective, seeing each line as a time I survived, gives them a totally new and beautiful meaning. So sorry to hear of your accident, that sounds incredibly traumatic. I understand your need to have the scar tissue removed, I think any correction that improves quality of life is hugely important, its finding the balance as to what is needed and what isnt that is important

[@Merel-fb2uu]

Hear hear!!! Scars are part of your personal history. I have lots, inside and out, I'm a scarred woman but I like to think I wear them well because I accept they are simply part of me. Love the notion of thinking of scars as natural tattoos!

[@neomydeboer1339]

wow heavy subjects, love u man!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I am a deep thinker!

[@emryshall2809]

Yay, I'll be at Greenman too ! Maybe I'll see you there :) p.s: awesome video too , people don't talk about this topic as much as we need to

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

ah! do say hello! when are you there? I have settlers pass so arriving on Monday

[@emryshall2809]

oh awesome ! I got the settlers pass last year but only arriving on the thursday this time sadly! Who are you most excited to see play? :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

No idea really! A lot of artists i dont know, but i like that! George Ezra for sure, missed them at Glasto!

[@emryshall2809]

Didn't even know george ezra was playing ! That's the great thing though, you get to see so many new artists :) Be sure to check out edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros , they are beautiful and rarely come to the uk ! Also laura marling is a gem ! They're both playing on the moutain stage i think :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Oh yes I do like Laura Marling, the Unthanks are playing too and I really like those. Will check out those you mention, thanks!

[@itsreallyimportantman]

Hi Finn this is a great video and something I have often thought about, but for me and only me, this is just my own opinion of myself and my acceptance, is that I'm not and never will be transitioning to become as close to or pretend to be cis - gendered it is for me an untenable goal - There will always be reminders of were I am came from and I don't want to forget that because this adventure I'm on is my path and I have gained SO MUCH from it more than the average person gains in a lifetime and for that I won't forget where i started and it doesn't matter how many surgeries I have or "fixes" or "nips and tucks" I'm always will be trans and to think that I'm gonna have all these surgeries and live in my head thinking I'm cis - gendered is nothing short of delusional for me.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

This is so incredibly true and shows that you are a very wise and self aware man. I was talking to a friend about exactly this a couple of weeks ago. We really have to be realistic with what we are doing and what we can achieve. Attempting to achieve the impossible is what gives us pain. Its the same for me, what I need is it to be close enough, good enough and then allow myself to grieve for the things that wll always be impossible, to have been born as a cis male. Amazing, poignant and very much needed comment, thanks my friend

[@itsreallyimportantman]

Thank you Finn we are cut from the same cloth me and you, I think. I learned the hard way about being realistic with my weight, Letting go of the "I don't need help" mindset and allowing myself to get help has worked wonders for me. You ARE good enough Finn you are doing everything you can to get yourself comfortable in you're body, it is different for everyone though.

[@MrMaur1]

I Adore your perfectly imperfections, everything is beautiful in you Finn. You are a Amazing Man, complete inside and outside.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Love this, thank you!

[@TonyChakotay]

as I'm approaching top surgery myself this video seems rather poinient, my mind set is and always has been to strive for "perfection" to develop the body I have into what I consider to be the "ideal" often what we see elsewhere sets a standard and to me I feel I must excel beyond that standard, I've always done and felt this way and it's not always healthy to be in this mindset, currently I'm preparing for top surgery so I'm attempting to develop my chest as best I can but it is frustrating being unable to see beyond my current chest, the aliens get I'm the way meaning the dysphoria and dismorphia play heavy in my brain, I look forward to top surgery but as you quite rightly say it's not gonna be "perfect" there will be scaring and potential lumps n bumps, perhaps like your good self I will be alot more comfortable despite the minor imperfections that come along with any surgery, great video as per, really made me think, we must all work with what we have. have a good time this week. see you soon

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hey buddy, I struggle with this too, I always have but I am finding that the more my body looks like the male form I imagined, the less I worry about perfection. Stuck in female form I was obsessed with my body, not seeing it right, hating it etc, but now, finally comfortable, I find myself at peace despite carrying a bit of a belly and a bit of a battered body! Lots of people have said similar things so hopefully this will be your experience too. Thanks for your really honest and thoughtful comment my friend, all the best to you both :)

[@TonyChakotay]

+FinnTheInfinncible it makes me sad when folks poo poo the muscular physique, I find many transmen have a chip on their shoulder regarding certain masculinity stating things like "why should we conform to the Cis normality" slating those that are more easily read correctly, suggesting that certain trans guys in the media are an unreachable standard, for me it's not about being read as male so I need to be as big as Arnold, it's about feeling right feeling that I have made the most of my hormones I get offended when that is reveered and put down upon often by those who are not willing to put the effort in or just do not aspire to be of the "Cis normative" or and accepted version of masculinity, for me it helps with dismorphia and therefore dysphoria if that makes sense

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

That does makes sense my friend. I think what these people are talking about is being comfortable in themselves rather than attempting to attain standards imposed from the outside. I think there is also a feeling, quite rightly actually, that only very cis male looking guys are presented in the media, although visability is good, we do need to see a variety of trans people with a variety of different body types. There is nothing wrong with wanting to bulk up, in fact its admirable with the dedication it takes, its when people are doing it for the wrong reasons that its an issue. For example, I am not a gym bunny, in early days I really tried to be and was driving myself mental with the idea of a hugely toned and muscular physique complete with six pack, but then I realised that I actually wasnt doing it for myself, I was doing it to feel more male, Ive since accepted that its just not me. I like walking and yoga and swimming and being fit, the muscles not so much. Its not fair for people to take these issues out on you though. Some cis guys like to lift weight and some dont and in exactly the same way, some trans guys like to work out and some dont, and thats ok! Just keep doing what makes you happy and dont worry about anyone else.

[@sebbybear3753]

Hi Finn! Hoping to have top surgery this winter... Do you have any tips on reducing scarring? I like your videos and you seem cool :) I often feel a bit out of things being transitioning in my 30s (my local group is very young) and worried I won't ever be read as a man. It's really good to see people older than their 20s making videos.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi my friend! Awesome that your surgery is approaching! I have a whole top surgery playlist that you might find useful, including vlogs about scar reduction and massage you can find those here : kzbin.info/www/bejne/lX7CgmSwmrpnjrc KZbin now has lots of older trans people sharing their journeys which is awesome, I struggled in early days thinking I was late to the party! You are not alone!

[@SeagullB]

Hello. I wnjoy your talks . You ard hughly articulate .what i don't get is if you are anxious how come you could get over the very real fears of surgery?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Because l don't let my anxiety stop me from doing what l want yo do in life besides, the pain and and fear of spending the rest of my life without a penis was far greater than the fears around surgery

[@crashburn549]

Finn- I love ur t-shirt- where did you get it?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend, this one came from the website Tee Fury

[@samthescotsman]

did lamby find the book he was after?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

he was being very cheeky today wasn't he! he was after a book about change. felt he needed a new coat

[@kimunderwood1573]

A transgender cake! Ping!! Love it and love you Finn!!! 💜💕💛

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Haha! Love you too! :D

[@sam_i_am5490]

You always have such great things to say. I'd love to hear more about your thoughts and feelings about not being able to have biological kids as you work through that

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you my friend, I will do that

[@ncburton1713]

As usual such a great video. It definitely is a give and take. But then that's basically hiw we grow as people is a series of give and take situations. For me scars aren't an ussue. I've had several surgeries before my transition so some more surgery scars isn't a big deal. Loosing fertility for Me was also not a bug deal when I had my hysterectomy. I have a rare genetic eye condition that my mother also has. She didn't intend to have children and pass it on but oops, I happened. XD Being visually impaired isn't the end of the world but this eye condition can come with a host of other health issues and it's a like playing Russian Roulette whether if those health issues will come with or not. Severe migraines is just one of many. So, I definitely decided after a certain point that I wasn't going to want biological children. Nova, my fiance, and I want to adopt at some point though. It's only been the small things I've had to accept, like the small amount of dog eating under my right arm that's not big enough to warrent revision. Or that one of my nipples is now slightly oblong instead of round. XD Again though so small of a thing that it's not worth a revision. And it was easy to come to terms with. But yeah, you're totally right. It's continual flow of acceptance.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you for those comments, its good to know you relate, its tough isnt it, to have to contantly shift ones body expectations and balance what can be changed and what just needs to be embraced and accepted

[@ncburton1713]

FinnTheInfinncible It definitely can be tough at times, but I've found in the road to acceptance I discover things about myself I hadn't either realized about myself, or simply had been denying for one reason or another. And that of course can stir the pot a bit but also comes with it's own road to acceptance and even more grown. But societal norms and pressures definitely don't help the battle to accept and embrace ourselves completely. It's hard to train yourself to not listen to those standards. It definitely takes time and effort to train yourself to talk back to the negative thoughts and move past it.

[@SeagullB]

Do you go to theraly?

[@keirtaylor4669]

Hi Finn :) lots of cis guys are infertile and or have problems with erections btw. Ps have you tried Bio-oil for scars? it worked like magic for me. x

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

yes I know that, this is what I am saying, that coming to terms with ones self and ones body is universal. I've used bio oil in the past but for recent surgery have used tamanu oil and found it to be very good

[@keirtaylor4669]

I meant to say too that there are cis guys with phalloplasty - soldiers who have stepped on ieds for example. Love your videos as always mate :)

[@Ocean_Grove]

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

[@matthewisasian5702]

My mum knows you

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

ok! who's your mum?!

[@pumpkinasstha4th]

Fantastic video Finn, perfect timing as always. I have been thinking about this a lot lately 👍🏻

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah thanks my friend!