Discovering Your Wants and Needs | Being Well Podcast

Everybody has wants and needs. These range from our basic biological needs to more complex psychological needs like having emotional support from other people, feeling good about what we do, and generally feeling like we have agency in our lives.
Many people find it challenging to have an authentic sense of their own needs. Others can identify them, but feel shame or fear that inhibits them from expressing their needs to others, or taking the practical steps to accomplish them.
People who can identify their needs are more likely to get them met, and on today’s episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick Hanson and I focus on how to do just that. We discuss different frameworks for categorizing our needs, what to do when we are confused by our desires, and how to create a personal manifesto to best identify what we want and need.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:55 Common features among people who struggle to name their desires
7:05 Three basic steps to relate to wants and needs
8:00 Different frameworks for categorizing wants and needs
21:45 What helped Rick get in touch with his own wants and needs?
27:50 An experiential exercise
35:25 Why addressing your needs and wants is not just naval gazing
39:00 Forrest’s suggestions based on his own experience
46:05 What to do when what we want is probably not best for us
52:35 Creating a personal manifesto
55:45 Recap
Subscribe to Being Well on:
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/5d87ZU1...
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@lilyanaallen3334]

As a young woman who had an absent father my entire life, it's so healing to watch you guys interact in a healthy, loving, encouraging way. Not only are your words very important in regards to this podcast but you're helping me see how a father and child can treat each other in a different way than I was shown. I am So grateful for that

[@blackmarketgoodness5715]

I do find great comfort in your unique dialogue - I feel like I’m listening to Mr. Roger’s talk to the son he never had.

[@sunnyadams5842]

That is Awesome! I've been trying to figure out what the tone and cadence of Being Well reminds me of. Mr Rogers of personal growth. Peefect

[@charlesdaubner1017]

I find that both of them have a wise, emotional glow. It's in the eyes

[@mryan4719]

Mr. Roger's had two sons! 😂 but I know what you mean. It's like eavesdropping on a super healthy family. ❤

[@Hanna-Nyasa]

I absolutely LOVE your show and the way that you and your dad discuss these topics. Such essential info and you are so grounded, authentic and compassionate in your delivery and analysis. Thank you

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you Hanna, means a lot to us.

[@ingrid3578]

I think Asian culture struggles a lot with this. Honest and clear communication is not encouraged. Feedback is generally not welcome nor wanted from the children because of the parenting styles and familial hierarchy. There is tons of mind-reading and silently guessing what other people want. If something is unclear, questions are also generally not encouraged. Being direct is frowned upon and is considered uncouth in a variety of settings. I would argue it's considered rude to be direct. So as a result there is a lot of hinting at things and passive aggression. I strongly feel that I am so out of touch with my own needs and wants has a lot to do with cultural influences. It's fascinating to see how other cultures work and what healthy communication looks like. I hope to achieve that for myself one day.

[@vanessapetrea2490]

I have Complex PTSD, and any creative wants and desires left me in youth. Basic wants and needs is it. When ppl ask me what I want; goals I have; etc, I have no idea. I am blank. I just want to be happy. My childhood was awful, and I’m still learning have damaging it was to my development in all ways, especially brain development. I now know I’m not alone in it, which I felt then. I guess all challenges in anything ppl have felt alone unless it’s a community challenge, like a natural disaster.

[@AkA-sw7rl]

I absolutely love how you are discussing so important, deep an meaningful topics and still seize the moments to laugh together. Your connection is the most heartwarming thing and the content is brilliant. I am so glad this podcast exists.

[@angelamossucco2190]

I would love to hear discussion of how self-actualization is founded on mirroring of the authentic child. In that sense safe expression of one’s authenticity is a core need.

[@jenavasexton1645]

I feel the description of "feral" applies to me. Ingrew up in a high-demand religion, but I always hid inside what I NEW to be my own truth. It's something I was/am always very conscious of but could never quite describe it. Loved that part especially because it was so nice to feel that others also understood this fierce sense of self from a young age.

[@susanswinny588]

Non-verbal awareness and processing are most inspiring for me. Images and feelings from childhood remind me that non-verbal non-judging openness are qualities that feed the imagination for a lifetime.

[@barn_ninny]

"The unfulfilled expression of the love they have to give." Yes. That.

[@Amber24426]

I’m looking forward to listening to this episode! It has been quite frustrating for me as someone who considers themselves to be fairly introspective and self-aware to disentangle what my wants truly are. A part of me has felt shame or embarrassment that someone “like me” who spends much time examining the deeper aspects of myself still struggles immensely with understanding these more “practical aspects” of myself, such as what I’d want to do for a job or what I would like my life to look like in 10 years. I think part of the reason I have so much trouble discerning what *I* want is due to feeling particularly sensitive to how others perceive and validate me. Especially when I was younger, in the more formative years of my development, I overvalued this external validation and this made me much more susceptible to valuing others’ opinions and values much more than my own. Now as a young adult I am finally trying to break away from these old patterns, but it is still incredibly difficult to navigate.

[@ForrestHanson]

Oof, I feel this one.

[@sunnyadams5842]

Good for u for doing the work so young!! Thank You for adding to the happiness on earth 💜

[@ChannelMath]

"shame or embarrassment that [I struggle with] these more “practical aspects” of myself" : I hope this doesn't give you more shame, but I've never heard of anyone being embarrassed by this, or thinking that anyone else would be embarrassed, especially when young but even in middle age (where I am). In fact, my impression (and my impression of others' impressions) is almost the opposite: that it's natural, that most humans struggle with this, and that the few who don't are the duller, less-interesting, less thoughtful people (an offensive generalization but you see my point). So, I'm almost confused by your comment People "like you" (who are introspective), are usually that way BECAUSE they don't know these things, not the other way around. I doubt this kind of feedback helps, but I really hope it does. Seriously: Just try telling people you don't know what you "want to do for a job or what I would like my life to look like in 10 years." -- I bet you will be surprised at how positive/neutral the responses are. Many people will blandly respond "yea, nobody does" or "that's because you're intelligent (or thoughtful, curious,...)" (I'm a 42 y.o. tall white straight cis male. you can figure out if that matters, but I really think most people agree with this)

[@apoorva203]

You, my friend, have a gift of articulation! ❤

[@Amber24426]

@@apoorva203 ❤️

[@RealTalk-mq2ug]

I claim a beautiful heart-centered healing for the friendship between myself and my best friend. May all visible and invisible support surround us both in the healing power of love and truth. It is possible, it is happening and it is divine. And so it is.

[@CJoyArt]

Hi Forrest and Rick. I've only just found your channel and wowee! I am learning soooo much and have already been helped so very much. I love he way you present concepts. Well done and I look forward to listening to all of the videos eventually. Thank you for your generous content!

[@madhuvijayasingh]

Most of podcasts focus on the young. Seldom is their a podcast that attempts to include the older people ..... the view from the porch! Maybe its only now thru such podcasts that they begin to get in touch for the first time , with their deepest self.....because that was never how we were raised on. That was not the currency then.Thankyou for including the older generation! We need to learn too, though its rather late in the day .......one must begin SOME day isnr it? ( im 71) .

[@alycebotwinick3950]

We’re never too old to learn. When our learning leads us to self awareness, we become more relatable, more accepting of others, and more youthful.

[@shalashardil530]

I love your show. Thanks for making humans healthy ❤️

[@coecrystals]

Beautiful to see such a great connection with your father. Both of you have big hearts a big warm thankyou 🙏

[@CarreonClassVideos]

Love how you continually refer to what I hear as the balance between empathy and agency.

[@bradyolson793]

Ahhh the discussion at 47 mins is so relatable thank you!! I've been slowly releasing the pressure consciously graciously to avoid the explosiveness come from the repression of emotions and then reprogramming my people pleaser fixer habit, lots of nervous system support and embodiment practices. Thank youuuuu the pause is my current practice to call in compassionate listening for my self and others followed by loving speak Vs getting hijacked. 🥰 so grateful- Bren

[@The_Mim]

My man's is going places. Keep up the awesome work bud. Great to see the manosphere evolving, looking into retrospect, gauging and honing in on emotional maturity/intelligence and being willing to learn. Love to see it. Friggin amazing my dude. Right on. 🔥😎 🔥 😎🔥😎🔥😎🔥😎🔥😎🔥😎🔥😎

[@ld7553]

I really like you!!!!! You always nail the topic and you are both a breath of sunshine!

[@michaelhagerman7829]

This is one of the best interviews I've heard on these topics and it's so good to hear it from MENS point of view! 👍👍

[@sharishakti9075]

Your conversation today was so affirming, helpful, and wonderfully real. Forrest's journey felt somewhat like my own and his vulnerability was refreshing. Interoception recently came into my understanding through Susan Sands' book "The Inside Story". It has shed light into and onto my unhelpful ways of being in this world. Thank you both so much for your ongoing content aimed at growth.🙏🏻🤗🙌

[@Aleksandra.DaGreat]

Such an important topic to address. We don’t hear about this too often! We definitely need to heed this information. Absolutely life changing and very important for your future. Thank you Rick! Thank you Forrest!

[@alessandracm1921]

This conversation was very healing for me. Thank you!

[@Mistical1982]

Wow, you described two things almost exactly as I have described them recently. For me it was anger, that would build up because I was never able to express myself. It would build and explode ceremoniously! I recognised the need to frequently and consistently let that out in a healthy manner (not easy in the company of certain family/friends). I’ve also noticed how I’m beginning to give myself time before I react, which gives me time to evaluate my needs and be respectful to others’ needs and in my response. I loved the bit about the things that are important but not urgent. A few things sprung to mind, that quite often get neglected, such as physical exercise, creativity and time in nature. More importantly, things that are left unsaid (these are more likely to be regrets later in life).

[@peterlinden3515]

Wow been listening a lot for a couple years first time seeing your faces! Your voices are so unique and satisfying to listen to

[@ThreadedKinetic]

i'm gonna take a minute and reflect on what was said at about 16:43, It's my job to meet my needs. ps. your interaction with your Dad is heartwarming. He really sees you and appreciates the person you have become.

[@user-ej5jc5dk1e]

❤❤❤❤🎈🎈🎈🎈

[@melusine826]

Yes thank you for addressing connection needs and how patriarchical society denies needs for connection

[@jenb9274]

Truly this is the most powerful podcast I have ever heard. Thank you 🌸🙏🌸

[@cherylbridges4510]

The wisdom and insights you both share and evoke from each other and within your listeners is invaluable! As 2-week old preemies coming home from the hospital, our (emotionally unavailable and overwhelmed) mother left us in our cribs to cry until it was TIME to feed us (thank you, Dr. Spock). I learned very early it was useless to have any needs, much less express them. Your blending of CPTSD, dys-/hyper-regulation, safety, and so on, speak deeply to the solo unraveling I've been doing for 10 years. If you added the ACE effects of intractable gut dysbiosis and autoimmune diseases, you'd have the complete polyvagal picture! 🤗💖🙏

[@DanS8204]

Forrest and Dr. Rick, you are both quite wonderful!

[@TheAlixir]

Wow, you articulate marvelously. It’s apparent you’re expressing your soul purpose. 😉 New to this channel.

[@noahbrown4388]

This is wholesome af.. and also extremely helpful!! Thank you both 🙏🏻 I found you though Gabor Mate. I think I’ll check out some of your other shows :)

[@aguedagarciairizar7092]

what a wonderful work! And for me its delightful to be present to your very loving, complex, ever evolving and exemplary relationship.

[@canadianhappyinitalytruest6556]

Such an amazing exchange between two loving and caring intellects. Xox

[@psyfiles7351]

My students love love love your book Resilient!!

[@charuramchandani4094]

Very helpful podcast, thank you. I enjoyed the conversation between you and your dad, such a healthy and matured relationship.

[@FryNeedsCalm]

I see two very lucky people here. You and your dad have such a caring relationship ✨❤ thank you so for your work, it’s helping me so much and I’ve only watched two videos 😊

[@susiehooper2798]

Thank you Forrest and Rick for sharing your knowledge and insights! Because, I watch Ricks channel, It took me a couple of episodes to get used to the father-son relationship. But, I love seeing your genuine bond and both of you being so willing to explore things on the spot! It's really impressive to see such an insightful young man! Thank you!😊

[@larkin2890]

y'all don't let me go a week without crying and it doesn't sound like i'm getting a reprieve next episode either

[@bensolo7000]

Thank. You. So. Much. For this video. The honesty and sincerity of it really touched me. I appreciate content that is constructive to us as people rather than the plethora of content out there that makes us feel depressed and horrible.

[@Leskitsafrenic]

I found your podcast about 3 months ago and it's been **really** helpful for me. So much of what you cover over the past 2 years of podcasts hits close to home and it's helped me work with my counselor, and to realize things I've always known but couldn't articulate. Keep it up!

[@teacherburton3559]

❤ I LOVE THESE SHOWS ❤ I’ve been sharing them with many people. Thank you for touching my soul. ❤

[@meganeff]

I adore you and your dad. And your girlfriend is such an inspiration. ❤❤

[@nath1284]

Excellent topic and very important for people to reflect on 🙏❤️

[@joannamgodwin3072]

I love this pod! I def have been in hyper need as a healing due to my parents didn’t meet my needs. Thank You !

[@user-yk5nd6zv2j]

I love your relationship. I only discovered your channel this week, but there are several instances now where Rick refers to his relationship to Forrest in very beautiful ways. From a CEN child, I find this very wholesome and opens my eyes to such a sweet way to relate with family members, especially if they include parents (the power, aspirational and love factor matrix that derives from the adult-child relationship).

[@gracemurrayart]

Another one that brought me to tears when your dad said he likes you immensely 😭🙏

[@vickilynn9514]

A major need for most is connection, and this is not supported in our isolated culture. Loneliness is epidemic, and for many the need for supportive community will never be met. I have pretty much given up on finding true, supportive friendships

[@DAClub-uf3br]

When i was young i always knew what i wanted. These days i not only don't know what i want am no longer in touch with my emotions or values.

[@hummingbird4934]

Same! 😅

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

Felt adrift in my forties and hit a critical impasse. I told myself to just make one decision…..consider thinking of just one choice or decision you could make that would improve the quality of your life….it grows from there…..warm wishes….

[@mjparent222]

you are so lovely to listen, thank you for all your inquiries, love.

[@angelamossucco2190]

Thank you for naming all that you name and asking all that you ask and helping us to think about things with more clarity then we can do alone. It is immensely helpful. ❤

[@priscillagates939]

Thank you for yet another incredible, mind expanding, heart opening, soul refreshing episode! I’ve been in therapy for a long time and over nine years! A lot of the content that I’m hearing in the last few days since I was made aware of your podcast, I have felt more therapeutic value than I have in years. So thank you 1 million times over for what you’re putting out here into the world and the love you’re pouring into the lives of your listeners and the people you know. Thank you thank you thank you.🙏🙏🙏

[@jonber9411]

I get somewhat envious of your relation in between father and son, i get somewhat disgusted as avoidant, but mostly i find both of you very sweet and funny. Thanks for a really good channel

[@bethraflowers5799]

❤❤❤ I just discovered you about a week ago, and what a gift! You are becoming one of my all time favorite podcasts. Thank you so much for your contribution.

[@KellyRiemerCusick]

Distress-tolerance is a great phrase. Really helpful.

[@ajakubo11]

Hi Forrest! I think I need to watch this a few more times to fully understand everything here. Could you touch more on the subject of CPTSD and needs? Are there some specific techniques which might be particularly effective in that case? Thanks for saying that because of CPTSD people might have a problem with that part of their life. I kind of thought that this was the reason why I have such a problem with figuring out what my needs are, but I wasn't sure about it. Now it's coming together more and more in my mind.

[@ForrestHanson]

Hey Adam, yeah, CPTSD is a huge topic. We've done a few episodes on it and in a lot of ways only scratched the surface. I'm not a clinician, but my understanding is that particularly for people who are on the "gifted child" side of the CPTSD spectrum a big part of the process is reframing their view of their own value. A lot of people with CPTSD struggle with feeling like they have *intrinsic* value: that they're worthy simply because they're a person, and what they want for themselves is just as important as what other people want for them. Instead, they often define themselves based on *what they can do for others* or *what they will be praised for.* This is often a pretty deep, long process because so many of those injuries tend to happen when we're at an early, and therefore very vulnerable, developmental moment.

[@ajakubo11]

​@@ForrestHanson this is actually how I discovered your channel - I saw the episode you did with your girlfriend. I'm glad I did find it. There's something about your channel that I really like. It feels safe, warm and fuzzy. And yes - intrinsic value struggle - is something that resonates with me immensely. It's really hard figuring all of that stuff out... Especially that starting to figure out what I really want, and not having an answer - is very connected with doubts that anything I do in life makes sense to me. I think I do a lot of stuff for being praised, but at the same time - when I get praised - I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that, and it sometimes makes me feel ashamed for being seen and... Better than others? Anyway - I know this is something for me and my therapist to solve, not for you. In case you have plans for more episodes on CPTSD - I'll definitely be watching ;).

[@darrelmorris808]

@@ajakubo11 You aren't alone in this. I am 56 years old and just starting to work through this myself.

[@ajakubo11]

@@darrelmorris808 I'm 35. I'm not surprised you're older... I organized my whole life in such a way, that it minimized me being triggered. A year ago though, everything "caught up" to me. The little and larger stresses I had - managed to dysregulate me completely. I've been trying to heal somehow ever since... You probably know Pete Walker's book on CPTSD? This one cleared up a lot of stuff for me, I totally recommend it.

[@darrelmorris808]

@@ajakubo11 I'm going through something similar as well. It just took a little longer to catch up with me. Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll look into it.

[@brandycolmer7052]

This is how I was raised - not to have a skillful fierceness on my own behalf. I have felt so stuck and trapped and have fallen and gotten up a lot of times. I’ve been learning now to be on my own side, and I’m still a beginner. I’m really enjoying your content. I’m recommitting to being on my side. That Mary Oliver quote has been popping up for me multiple times over the past few days. ❤

[@leolauria]

Very insightful, thank you so much 🙏🏼

[@belindacarter6872]

I appreciate the examination of binary relationship to long practiced traditions that may have over-compensated “masculine” values - i much prefer listening to anyone who can address this concept than to those that can not / do not

[@micheledevilliers3474]

Guys, this is another incredible episode. You have helped me immeasurably.

[@ellenfisher3792]

You and your dad are badass!

[@user-ej5jc5dk1e]

I need to feel liked & loved too . Its a must for me in order to stay in close relationship with someone . Personal growth is not less important for me and many more things that the father has mentioned .

[@marymorrison3128]

I happened upon this site and it made me smile and then laugh and that I had come home. I have subscribed and look forward to more of the same thank you?

[@slavenanikolova6260]

Beautiful show Forest, I appreciate everything's been said and makes a lot of sense...I agree that if you have a partner who can't meet most of your needs is worth considering moving on from, but what if they can't meet just one or two needs of yours and you love them as they have other good qualities, wouldn't you try to help them be aware and give them a chance to learn, perhaps heal what they have been missing and teach them how to meet yours and theirs needs? I think we all desire to be better connected, buy we don't always know how to.

[@charlesdaubner1017]

Another reason to "hang in there": We really don't have a clue why we are here or what all of this is about. There may be a very good reason why we are here, why it is essential that we are here, why we experience what we experience, why we are as we are.

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

So true….well said. It has become so important in my life to sustain the awe of being here….

[@karenhunter2111]

I do enjoy this show very much 😊very informative

[@sunnygirl9691]

Amazing widsom at 37:00. Such keen awareness here!!

[@bradyolson793]

Positive emotions were just as risky as negative...yes, again resonates deeply, I have a fear of being too intense, too much, if i express myself so i repress... so helpful thank you do you have a talk on this in more depth?

[@LuvLight13]

Amazing. Thank you❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Thanks!

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@-beee-]

This is wonderful. Do you have tips for the need to express love? Someone dear to me has expressed this, but I don’t know how to help them realize that need (maybe because my attachment style makes me anxious about that??)

[@josephduku6295]

Oh man Hansons oh man. First off Just wanna say damn your shows i can say your relationship is great with you and your dad man honestly cherish it bro. Anyways brother youve open my eye man. Not just this episode man. Keep going man deep down not just shellow i appreciate what you and your dad do man.i have so much going on right now in my life but you and you dad oh geeze great combo bro. Every morning when i woke up oh geeze clean mind and clean house 😅 loving it. The clean environment, mind and peace never experienced broo my life oh future me wait bit longer

[@fronosmanfreddi3393]

Thank you very helpful

[@Catherine-zq1kb]

Thank you

[@ChannelMath]

its so easy to find excuses, but I hsve to admit there's a lot of fear. For me it's fear that I won't have the energy to follow through because I don't "really" want it, and I'll have wasted my time, money and comfort, plus possibly my favors, other opportunities... Wait is that fear or excuses. Does it matter?

[@melusine826]

I think 3 categories- 3rd is people who believe they have knowledge of their wants/needs, but it's a socialised want. Eg women expressing themselves via makeup/ meeting performative/ageist

[@Discrete1998]

I also have adhd and just put whiteboards all over my house rather than pinning papers to the wall like a mad sleuth 😂😂❤

[@michellemaxner8638]

The multi sized & colored post-its all over your home get out of control quickly, don’t they? I loved and related to your comment ❤😂

[@julietwilliams7326]

I wish you would clarify the distinction between wants and needs. They get used interchangeably, but they are not the same. I know in general that needs are more basic & essential than wants, but when it comes to prioritizing x thing that I would prefer, is it a want that maybe isn't absolutely necessary, or is it a non-negotiable survival need? It seems like dad was talking about needs, and son started talking about wants, but calling them either needs or wants, and things started to seem muddy to me.

[@melusine826]

Oohhh the 3 experience tools. Yikes not sure I recall an experience that was #2 that didn't get ripped apart

[@LeifArneStorset]

Forrest, you said you were controlling others’ emotions as a coping mechanism. How did you do this? I’m curious because I wonder if I tend to do something like it.

[@agmnj41]

38:01 truth

[@destinedovercomer]

The information you give is the missing part of my puzzle

[@karenhunter2111]

I'm noticing Forest has a tendency to mention childhood trauma in almost all the episodes I've watched. I wonder if these general references aren't creating a lot of displacement of responsibilities on parents from young adults. Parents make mistakes, but it's up to the individual not to repeat them.?

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

I think recognizing one has gone through trauma is the first step. Generally, one will blame oneself so to be able to let go of the internal blame is when healing can begin. One must process those feelings; grieve the trauma; accept it. Then one can start the journey for self-improvement. At some point, one will recognize that one's parents had their own trauma and (probably) did their best.

[@danoliverdesign]

But is Forrest actually a Vampire... ?

[@ForrestHanson]

The question lingers

[@diilouise]

Your content is so good, however, I do not agree with the two categories you distilled the four into up front, Forrest. The four were helpful for me as I fit into two of the categories that straddle both your two broad ones. I understand why you may do this but the four were adequate for me. I aim at being more systematic. This was a bridge too far for me right now 🙂. Onwards.

[@jaywalks9918]

Do these guys mean to disparage men through their virtue signalling? I find it dismissive of men's struggles, yet they claim to care for people in general. I find it hard to reconcile these two positions.

[@shahilagh]

I don’t like you laugh too much and these topics aren’t funny

[@saragiard]

You guys are lovely! It's a pleasure to listen. ✨🤍