Happiness Is an Empty Promise | Steven Hayes | Big Think

Happiness Is an Empty Promise
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Too many people are striving for a quick and dirty way to feel hedonistic bliss without accepting the negative feelings they have, says Steven Hayes.
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STEVEN HAYES:
Steven C. Hayes is Nevada Foundation Professor at the Department of Psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno. His chief research areas include human language and cognition and its application to various psychological difficulties. His bestselling book "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" rose to #20 on the Amazon.com list of all books in early 2006 and became the #1 self-help book in the US for a month. He was the first Secretary-Treasurer of the American Psychological Society (now known as the Association for Psychological Science), which he helped form. His other books include "The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living," co-written with Russ Harris and published in 2008.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Question: What is happiness?
Steven Hayes: You know, there's many different definitions of it. I think one dangerous definition of it is to think of happiness as kind of a warm, joyful, **** feeling in your heart that you have to pursue and grab and hold onto for fear that it'll go away. I mean, it's fun when you have those feelings, but we know, and the evidence shows, them more intent you are on having those feelings and chasing those feelings, that's a butterfly that flies away the more you chase it. A better way to think about happiness that actually is something that I think you can reach towards is, it's living in accord with your values and in a way that is more open and accepting of your history as it echoes into the present, that's more self-affirming, self-validating and values-based. The Greeks had a word for it; they called it eudaimonia, and it's not a bad definition. And I think that definition of happiness is something that will empower human lives.
The definition that we have that gets very hedonistic and emotion-oriented -- the problem is that there's too many quick and dirty ways to chase that in ways that end up being unhelpful to people. If you avoid the feelings of betrayal and the sense of insecurity that comes in relationships that aren't working by running into detuned relationships, by sexuality that isn't connected to intimacy, et cetera. Yeah, you might feel good, but it doesn't live well. If you just have another martini or even more severe forms of substance use, yeah, it might feel good, but it doesn't live well. And if you escape into kind of a materialism -- the right car, the right woman, the right house, the right trip, the right place, the right job, the right praise -- you know, these things -- all of the folks who are wise in our culture, over the history of our culture, have written about the dangers of trying to define a meaningful life that way. But commercial culture and our media is constantly encouraging us to think that if we feel good we live well. And then we're only too happy, thank you very much, to sell you goods and services from the dancing oivoids and the pill you can take, or the trips or the cars or the clothes or the women that you can get with -- whatever that is that will give you the quick route to that.
And it's an empty promise. I think young people know it's empty, but they're not quite sure what to do. And I kind of look at what's on the T-shirts and I see another solution, which also worries me. I see "Just do it." "No fear." -- this kind of suppressive response to the treacle that the culture tries to define for us as a meaningful life also blows up on you. "No fear" is not something that you should put on your shirt. How about "I can hold my fear and still connect with you"? Put that on your shirt. "It’s okay to be me, with all of my history." Put that on your shirt. So there's a middle path. There was a guy who sat under a tree a long time ago...
Read the full transcript at bigthink.com/videos/happiness...

[@bigthink]

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[@wenh8758]

“ I can hold my fear and still connect to you” “It’s ok to be me with all my history” as said by him, using the Acceptance n Commitment therapy (ACT therapy) Instead of saying suppressive word “Just do it” , “no fear”. There is still a repelling force inside that is causing pain psychologically.

[@NoExitLoveNow]

As Bob Dylan said in a 1991 Rolling Stone Interview: “Happiness is not on my list of priorities. I just deal with day-to-day things. If I’m happy, I’m happy - and if I’m not, I don’t know the difference.” He fell silent for a few moments and stared at his hands. “You know,” he said, “these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It’s not happiness or unhappiness, it’s either blessed or unblessed. As the Bible says, ‘Blessed is the man who walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly.’ Now, that must be a happy man. Knowing that you are the person you were put on this earth to be - that’s much more important than just being happy.”

[@donnelm51]

NoExitLoveNow #righton

[@stonepaintertim]

Dylan sure knew how to put things

[@ritajea57]

The endless pursuit of happiness is so empty, also happiness is based on what is "happening" and as soon as your situation or circumstances change you are no longer happy. Also, if your pursuit of happiness involves hurting or using another person, that is morally wrong. I've lived long enough to tell you that you will eventually reap what you have sown.

[@XffTheGrid411]

I would much rather be at peace with unhappy thoughts and feelings than be always trying to chase happy thoughts and feelings.

[@veroniquebournaveas755]

So brilliantly argued! I have suffered so much of this tyranny of happiness in the past years, so it really feels good to hear Steven Hayes.

[@luigipati3815]

Schopenhauer explained it all really well over 130 years ago in his excellent "Counsels and Maxims", but most people have prejudices against him. As it always happens, we like to hear not what is truthful, but what we like. If it is truthful and not pleasant, we make up stuff that does not stack up with reality, as long as it is more pleasant. No matter how ridiculous. But I don't know of any philosopher who did not think that happiness is but a fairy tale. Plato also explained it, and Schopenhauer elaborated on it really well: the concept of "becoming, but never being".

[@OmarAshour]

An extremely important message, everyone should watch this

[@ricomcsuave6348]

not depressing as i expected! this guy makes some good points. i just find his attitude a bit off-putting. i mean, yeah sure, you're disappointed in the way things are being handled, i get it. heck, sharing that disappointment can even help drive the message home, but he just sounds so jaded and hopeless that he himself is undermining his own message, which ironically is actually one that could give people hope and peace of mind. attitude is an important precursor of happiness, no matter how you prefer to define it.

[@OmarAshour]

I've grown very attracted to this whole jaded cynical attitude to be honest, I feel that it's more honest and realistic in general, especially when he's addressing an issue like this you don't expect him to be jumping up and down in jubilance. And I honestly think that this is his normal way of speaking all the time, he looks like the guy from Hitman for crying out loud :P

[@ricomcsuave6348]

lol yeah he sort of does xD and yeah, i know where you come from, things don't look very bright here either and you certainly can't expect much, so yeah, don't expect much, that is realistic, just try not to let it sour you up with cynicism. life's too short to live it poisoned. also yeah about the not jumping up and down, of course, that would be an over reaction, i just admitted it myself, the disappointment is there and showing it is natural and even necessary, but does he even realize that he's sharing good news?? this is definitely a touchy issue, but he's actually saying a good thing! doesn't he believe that? knowing that this could be helping a lot of people possibly come out of a depression should be enough to brighten up the bearer of good news at least a little bit more, imo.

[@OmarAshour]

I guess I agree.

[@mikewalker7385]

I am so much more than an emotion. Happiness is not always appropriate.

[@LoriWattnz]

that's right depression is not a brain disease praise god!

[@jameszhang8152]

So authentic and I love the fact that you are so true to yourself!

[@ever.silva7]

Wonderful honest talk.

[@nathanforrest3483]

I just run man. My life may be filled with chaos but when I run I'm the happiest. That's good enough for me.

[@casarah2728]

really enjoyed this!!

[@Goremachine]

Up Next : "Five ways to be happier today", by Big Think It's a trap!

[@lindameratamerkhan4243]

wow. I love this, I needed to hear all that.

[@daandeweerd9083]

Mera, if you read this answer me.

[@daandeweerd9083]

[phone]

[@hornypervert3781]

If everyone were forced to take a emotion blocking piol we would have no vedonists.

[@juntan2338]

Thank you Buddha, for sitting under that tree to show us the Middle Path between indulgence and repression 3:34

[@Laurenf042]

Great message. I agree!

[@bigthink]

Hope that you've liked the video, Lauren!

[@matt234567]

thanks very honest. Especially the explanation on big pharma was particularly open because with all the money in that industry many would be afraid to be as honest

[@serenity_zero]

life is an empty promise

[@NinthCinemaDown]

There are some really good points made here.

[@pjhart56]

So superb! More and more please!

[@bigthink]

More comes daily, Patrick! Make sure to check back every day for new videos.

[@user-tx3de2id1y]

Solo q sean los comentarios con traducción gracias. Mary ❤❤

[@nucleus3733]

What a great guy

[@reyrey8562]

Great message, behaviorism though

[@jmdeking]

Good talk

[@lkuehme6506]

Thank you a lot for this intersting video! :) I like your sociocritical perspective of emotional empowerment! Only one thought I was stumbling over. In my opinion it is dangerous to put the term "women" in a row with objects you can "get" - I suppose as a man (02:47) This elicits realistic anger in women like me who are aware about other sociocritical states. Apart from this, thanks for your intersting input!

[@DVBreen]

Try Meditation folks - Regular practice will give you the tools for winning your life back!

[@vu4y3fo846y]

Seconded!

[@omglolzbbqsauce]

this man knows too much, shut him up

[@arnonuhm4022]

No need to. He is no threat to those powers who consider "happiness" the new must-have of the soul.

[@middleearth3054]

This is very good, but hard. I have tried to follow the ways here very early and had a good childhood, but I fallen into large depression and anxiety from the modern World anyway and fallen in modern day traps after some really bad relationships

[@aussietrue612]

My dear friend.. I don't mean to seem cliché, but have you tried turning to Jesus Christ..? He can help you in ways you can't even begin to imagine.. Try asking Him, with humility, to come into your heart.. Jesus is already at the door to your heart.. Will you answer Him..? I truly hope you find peace my friend.. I certainly did & it was right in front of my face for nearly 20 years, but I was too blind to see.. I really do hope you find true peace.. May God Bless you, my friend..

[@andresalvarez6784]

❤️❤️❤️

[@chadhumbert1791]

Nice jacket

[@dplant8961]

Hi, Folks. Happiness is a personal choice which involves several elements. Probably the most important of these, even the VITAL one, is NON-judgement, the elimination of 'right' and 'wrong', 'cos these judgements lead to the need to forgive those people and things which are judged as 'wrong'. Forgiveness is absolutely unnecessary UNLESS there has first been a judgement that some body has done something wrong. Happiness also depends very much on freedom, which in and of itself is open to many interpretations. My favorite definition of freedom is this one. "Freedom is total NON-attachment to anything." I will leave you to ponder this. Just my 0.02. You all have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

[@robertbaur837]

Deas Plant is have a wonderful day a prediction a wish a judgment??

[@ferlvs]

Thank you for posting this excerpt. As English is not my first language, would you be kind enough to tell me what Mr Hayes says at 7'49''? "only require a certain number of .................. trials" Thank you very much. Fernanda

[@johncronauer108]

Fernanda S randomized

[@poor_jafar]

1:54

[@user-tx3de2id1y]

Al español por favor plissMary

[@juanrivas6768]

Osho spoke a lot about these topics

[@JoeMcKenzie888]

Juan Rivas Osho is a fraud. Materialistc as fuck and living because of people´s superstitions.

[@Goremachine]

Hahaha. Rajneesh. Hope he's enjoying his Rolls Royce's in his next incarnation as a dung beetle.

[@matthewtalia3375]

Just do it? This needs a Shia remix

[@user-md8gk6zo3u]

Can somebody put subtitles in English? I really need that

[@mariabelenhernandeza9713]

bigthink.com/videos/happiness-is-an-empty-promise There you can read the transcript

[@rebelliousnature4795]

I don't trust people in corduroy suits, get their degrees in Nevada and look like a hit man... sorry... Lol jk, great insight, I actually found my fiancé in Northern Nevada after staying out there for a few months about 11 years ago, but met a lot of crazy people out there and got screwed over by just about everyone I got befriended by and at one point even my own fiancé so I do really have a bad feeling when I think of Nevada now

[@thisisbob1001]

No future!

[@desaturated-firefox]

Has he checked how many people in other countries are in chronic pain but aren't on disability because (1) the rules are too strict so it's hard to get it (2) it doesn't pay enough to feed a family (3) the social stigma is too great (4) the doctors just give them the side effect heavy medication he also talks about and tells them to get back to work or (5) the country doesn't have much of a social safety net to begin with? His claim that Scandinavians get chronic pain because the state tells them it's okay seems very questionable to me.

[@desaturated-firefox]

Also is he aware of the tens of thousands of years that passed between the invention of spoken and written language? Also I object to him seeing "finding the right woman" as a materialist concern. How bout we categorize "finding the right man" as the same kind of concern as "buying a shiny car" and see how he likes it?

[@desaturated-firefox]

It's okay to be me, with all my history and all the ways Steven Hayes frustrates me :) (This isn't the first presentation of his I watch and he talked about the language stuff in more detail in the other one but it's not on YT)

[@TaiChiKnees]

Very interesting and thoughtful talk. But I have to disagree with the implication that using drugs that work as antidepressants and particularly antipsychotics is not a science-based treatment. There's no question that an antipsychotic will reduce symptoms of psychosis. And there is ample evidence that antidepressants improve severe mood disturbances and reduce suicide rates. That being said, once a patient is well enough to understand and reason through the internal psychological processes disabling them, then I agree wholeheartedly that cognitive behavioral therapy, ACT and similar methods will be immensely helpful to the patient learning to live with his or her problems.

[@LoriWattnz]

TaiChiKnees I don't agree antidepressants drugs made me more suicidal more than normal so I rather stick to St John's wort thanks there are better ways people don't want to help themselves either that plays a part in depression.

[@yorgohoebeke]

New evidence is showing that antipsychotics are doing more harm than good. If you're interested in reading it for yourself I can send you/suggest you some links/papers.

[@Rorshacked]

I don’t know if this has already been done but I would love to be a fly on the wall for Steve Hayes and Jordan Peterson to talk therapy. Peterson is analytic per his own account and an intellectual; Hayes created what I consider to be the next big thing in psych (called ACT). It would be cool to have them both walk through a case and speculate on what emotional health and well-being is.

[@Rorshacked]

o. t. He is a professor and (Jungian psychoanalytic) psychologist in Toronto. He had some notoriety for some political stances and wrote “12 Rules For Living”, both of which have given him a following. He has a lot of lectures on KZbin and has a podcast too

[@patriciaoffer9585]

@o. t. Peterson's a bit of a sexist and otherwise amazing... and I'm not a fangirl type. An indigenous tribe adopted him.

[@ivarbrinkman2195]

Would you buy a used car from this man ?