Healing Avoidant Attachment: The Essential First Step

[@lisakeplinger2893]

Learning relationship styles in my 50's really pisses me off that they dont teach this stuff in school instead other bullshit that you will never use half as much. For those of us( like most of us) grew up in neglectful or abusive homes couldve used this information to help us navigate. So happy you're doing this Jimmy. Youve been very helpful in my process of understanding myself and therefore my partner.

[@mamamuzic]

Seriously! These basics could be taught early in a simple way . I sure could have used this video 30-40 years ago. Well, better late than never!

[@strawberrykatnz]

I agree, this stuff needs to be in schools at an age appropriate level. DV is far too common across the world and education on healthy relationships is literally the only way to prevent trauma, death and a number of people sitting in jail cells. It's literally that important and a key life skill, like swimming, driving, reading and writing. Couldn't agree more!

[@jeninjersey7234]

I agree with you 💯

[@RebeccaOsterbergFamilyandMusic]

I wish we had social groups to discuss this type of education. Kind of like the ubiquitous 12 step meetings around cities and villages. We need this to help us treat our own dysfunction in relationships. Jimmy is an inspiration to me and I’m so glad I found him! I wonder if these techniques can help us with other family members and friends…

[@penyarol83]

@@strawberrykatnz but then we’d have to be honest about the fact that a lot of parents are unhealthy, have unhealthy relationships, and are neglecting and abusing their kids. We don’t want to bring that truth to light so we prefer to just avoid the whole thing and focus on stuff that doesn’t matter, like calculus

[@elenac7933]

My avoidant husband sent this to me (anxious). He loves your channel and found it when trying to understand himself. Thanks for doing this. I don't know if our relationship will heal, but we (both he and I) are really trying and taking accountability

[@JETTSTACHI]

I was secure going into the relationship. About a year and a half in, things all of a sudden flipped and was made to feel to be the biggest imposition in every way. My head and nervous system started to spin. Now I know how an anxious person feels. I had to go no contact because of the hoovering, promising change, then back to the old ways. Ugh. What a horror!

[@naturalebeing]

And so you were in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to change or heal, and has bigger issues than just having an avoidant attachment style. I'm sorry about that, but please dont project your experience onto the rest of us with avoidant attachment :) This video is for our healing, so I'm not sure why you felt the need to share this.

[@JETTSTACHI]

​@@naturalebeing And you thought dismissing my comment and telling me to avoid writing about my experience with a DA is a good idea? Geez! You people!

[@michaelg5761]

​@@naturalebeing This isn't meant to be an attack on you, but there are a few things I think are worth considering. 1) He mentions he hopes both partners are watching and that the non-avoidant has work to do, as well 2) Some of the things he warns the avoidant partner against are being too self-centered, dismissing others' feelings, and being overly defensive 3) Not wanting to change or heal is often part and parcel to avoidant attachment, so it ends up being a pretty common complaint among non-avoidant partners And regarding point 3: harboring and/or simply expressing a desire to change and heal doesn't count. What counts is actually taking the uncomfortable steps to make it happen.

[@tarkov_6]

​@naturalebeing yeaa, based on all the experiences and stories I have read from people, this was right on point for the outcome from being with someone avoidant. If the video is meant for healing, then that should include hearing the opposing experience....🤦

[@JETTSTACHI]

@michaelg5761 Didn't say you were attacking me. However, you were dismissing me. How aprops.

[@VariousAndSundryBee]

I’m avoidant and I have never been in an intimate relationship. The few times I’ve tried to be vulnerable, I’ve gotten hurt very badly and I stop trying to date for months and months because I lose trust in literally everyone. A lot of this video sounded like the old me, before years of therapy and trauma work, but I will always have those wounds. I’m in touch with my feelings now. I can empathize with others. But, there’s still nothing worse than feeling like I’m not good enough for someone to support me and love me.

[@og8425]

Watch Tim Fletcher's trauma series. Should be 8 videos. Self-sabotage, choosing the wrong partners, and recreating trauma will be a large part of this cycle. Best of luck, you can heal, and you are worthy of love and inherently wonderful!!!!

[@jerilynnschisser516]

Me too

[@Aster-v8j]

* Observations of Behaviors [not judgements] * What we are feeling ... * Underlying needs ... Nonviolent communication

[@patrickrutherford5553]

How come the anxious attachment type that pursues you doesn’t make avoidants “feel” worthy? I’d love to know what it takes to make an avoidant comfortable

[@rashmeetbatra8571]

@@patrickrutherford5553 I definitely did try to make him feel worthy but his sense of self comes from his work. Avoided intimacy which felt like I was not good enough for him. He didn’t wanted to get vulnerable. Most of the time at work he is against female colleagues but pursues the opposite gender to emotionally fulfil his needs but no intimacy. puts himself first most of the time.

[@marinakrylova9000]

Please, please make a video about the anxious attachment style as well!!! And, if possible, the mixture of the two... Because they can co-exist in the same person and there is close to none information on how to navigate/heal it...

[@bencarter9363]

So true... I've had an avoidant attachment style my whole life with all my partners up until my current girlfriend, who I am somehow anxiously attached to and it's very confusing and hard to navigate for me. I'm completely unfamiliar with this form of connection

[@ariellak4867]

When you flip between or have traits of both avoidant & anxious attachment, that is called disorganized attachment and it is one of the 3 insecure types. It is usually the result of childhood trauma. If you search for resources specifically with that term I hope you find the resources you are looking for. ❤

[@janepoppet3843]

Sounds so healthy and happy - both parties willing to sit down and discuss their attachment styles. Wow. I couldn't do that. They snort-laughed at me and mocked me, telling me not to use 'psychology crap' on them. They told me 'I don't feel things deeply like you do'. They were literally telling on themselves and I still didn't see the 🚩 The concept is great. I still believe in it - with the right type of person.

[@sadiqua7]

I had a 7 hour call with a good friend of mine that went to hell when I told him that he sounded so hurt and that I thought a lot of his issues were mother related..boom, explosion. Then he said he doesn’t feel love like other people do, he feels obligation. So I told him ok, so if you feel obligated to me(he’s said he loves me many times) I will remove myself from your life, because I only feel safe with people that want me in their life because I bring them peace, support and respect. I said I’m not mad, but this is what I need m. He back pedaled so hard. We ended fine, and I put him on to attachment theory and vaporesson etc. Lesson-give an avoidant what they SAY they want with no malicious intention and they won’t want it. It’s why no contact works on them..their attachment causes them to push away almost as a test to how far they can push you and you stay. It’s immaturity at its best. This friend often told me that we’re only friends because I pushed myself into his life and stayed there smh. We met in college and I just offered him kindness, brought him lunch while he was working because he wasn’t able to take a break and was hungry, my dorm was down the block, I wasn’t busy, it wasn’t a big deal to me, but he always remembered that and brings it up often. He’s easier to handle since we’re friends and I don’t have romantic feelings for him. But with my ex..man, walking on eggshells, trying to say the right thing in the right way..too much to deal with..too much to lose. If only he could’ve given an inch, I could’ve figured him out, but his wall is sky high with barbed fence around it..I can’t bleed anymore

[@ashton1952]

Anyone who mocks at you is a relationship not worth maintaining. Just say this doesn't feel like the right fit for you, and distance yourself.

[@strawberrykatnz]

This is great, Jimmy. I actually sent a friend one of your Shorts, a 1 minute clip on boundaries literally transformed her entire relationship. I've never seen her so consistently relaxed and happy. She's with someone who hasn't ever had a long term relationship before her. They're in their 60s and 70s. Your channel is transforming lives around the world - just know that. When I sent it, I didn't expect it to be so transformative and she gives me the credit for opening his eyes, but really, it was you and your video!

[@JimmyonRelationships]

This means so much to me! We’re all in this together :) helping each other

[@strawberrykatnz]

@JimmyonRelationships 100%. Happiness is the most important thing.

[@smirbelbirbel]

Shared my feelings respectfully, gave him space, always brought up things prefacing with "I know you didn't mean it,", took breaks during fights, all of it. Sometimes he was amazing and mature and next he yelled at me for crying when my friend died and I needed him for comfort. Lesson: You can't do the work for both of you. If your partner isn't in a place to work on themselves (and no, promising that work is not doing it) and heal, it will be futile.

[@karl_margs]

This was my ex almost exactly. When I felt myself getting activated during arguments I would try to disengage and she would block the doorway. I got the feeling she was baiting me into getting physical, which I never did

[@desormais22]

Yes. At some point you become unequally yoked. No judgment on them, it’s where they’re at. But the power imbalance is there - it’s like emotionally there’s a 24 year old and a 12 year old in a relationship. It doesn’t work

[@mamamuzic]

​@@desormais22well said

[@melissatinling4057]

💯

[@alexandrite9100]

​@@karl_margsI went through this too (it wasn't DA/FA tho, allegedly anxious but the way she acted? Something heavier)... I didn't even realize this at the time but I've seen a couple videos he's done where he says that being kept somewhere against your will (and in my case physically threatened too) is abuse. I don't know about your case, but in mine, because I never did it, it got worse and worse. The person became increasingly more violent as a result because despite her many efforts, I refused to yell at her and/or lay a finger on her as she was expecting/hoping, to be able to play the victim. She still did btw, flying monkeys galore, but at least I didn't lose myself or did anything I know I shouldn't. I wish I was able to escape earlier, but I'm glad that despite her efforts to slither back into my life, I'm finally safe from her. Anyway, I'm sorry you went through this type of manipulation and abuse too. It's so awful and horrifying... Healing from it all is really hard, but I believe someday we'll be able to do so

[@Apexhunter92]

As a secure partner who struggled to heal from a relationship with an avoidant, this video completely answered the unanswered questions I had. You described the dynamic I lived with my ex in such detail that it felt like you were reading my mind. I was gaslit to the point where I lost my sense of self, but this video gave me the closure I needed to realize that I wasn’t crazy. I can’t thank you enough for that.

[@guhlfriend]

Ditto. I was listening to this as my final divorce papers arrived in the mail... A poignant bookend.

[@eric_emenhiser]

I'm almost 45, and grew up in a home where I knew my parents loved us, but they rarely actually showed it. I have 9 siblings, and there was only so much attention to go around. We were very performance oriented, such that when we did things well we were rarely praised, but if we didn't meet expectations we were quickly told how and given correction (though never in a truly constructive way). I'm still learning how to overcome my avoidance issues, and they have had such negative consequences in my marriage of 22 years. Thank you for your content and encouragement!

[@alexisnogueras9400]

Damm that's my story as well.

[@MelpomenaBovary]

Do you think you will ever overcome it?

[@SugarESpice]

@eric_emenhiser Wow! I've never come across someone with such a similar childhood, similar but not identical. I'm 44 this year and am one of 10 siblings. My mother was a single parent by the time I was 7 (a good turn of events in our world), so the attention was hard to come by. She was not an affectionate person, but we always knew she would do anything to try and meet our needs, which was, and still is, perceived as love. I am also learning how to navigate interpersonal relationships with an avoidant attachment style. I was married at 19 and lasted 5 years before going separate ways. I have had a small handful of on-again-off-again relationships since then, but I've been mostly single for the last 20 years. I am impressed by your 22 years of marriage. That has to have been a lot of work and self-discipline to accomplish two decades. It seems to me that you are a good partner since you are actively trying to overcome your personal challenges. So, whatever you're doing, KEEP IT UP!!! You're doing great! 😁

[@SugarESpice]

@alexisnogueras9400 me too. (Mostly) I'm one of 10 siblings and am mid-40's. That's wild to me that there are others with such similar circumstances. I was surprised to see OP's story, but to see your comment just about blew my mind!

[@stephw5733]

This is exactly why I'm divorced. His pride was more important than our marriage and things he didn't agree with, like love banks, couldn't be real and true, much less the marriage counseling I asked for multiple times. I had to end it when he said conflict resolution was nothing but a life long gripe list and I realized that foundational divide was too wide to bridge.

[@smirbelbirbel]

And then people say "WOMEN JUST LEAVE OUT OF THE BLUE, THEY'RE DESTROYING THE HOME." After we spend years trying and pleading.

[@gulplastgaffel]

I saw another creator (Hannah witton) talk about love banks. Another viewer said they refer to it as "sex money" in their relationship, which, we call all agree, sounds a lot more fun!

[@Kiim_Bishop]

Wow. I’ve heard SO much about avoidant attachment, how it can hurt, how to navigate from the other side, etc!! This is the first video I’ve found that gives REAL tips on how to stay in relationship with an avoidant and how they can work on things. Thank you!! So good.

[@1991USsoldier]

This stuff needs to be in school. Plant these seeds at the end of middle school at the latest. Give teens the tools to handle this kind of stuff before they start being interested in relationships because this will help fix FRIENDSHIPS for kids too, and help foster a generation that is EQUIPPED TO TEACH THEIR CHILDREN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

[@hayshannanz]

Yes this but also just start at the parent level modelling healthy behaviour to your children

[@atalielogue4332]

Yes of course from primary caregivers. Outside the home is the only place some kids would ever learn about this. Kids are at school a lot, and school is supposed to be teaching children skills to support them thru life, not only academics. Even the kids leaning it at home will benefit from hearing these things from outside the home, makes it more "believable" for a teen, not just something "mom/dad" says. All throughout high school it should continue. But hey, people who grow up knowing a bit about psychology and how to handle and process emotions and communication, conflict, ect. can be less easy to manipulate as adults, so this happening across the board in all schools.... I'm grateful my daughter has a weekly class check-in about how everyone is feeling. And once a year, there's sexuality class once or twice a week for a couple months. It goes into a lot of emotional and relationship skill stuff. It's built on each year, started in 6th grade and she's in 8th now. I'm hoping her high school will do it too.

[@1991USsoldier]

@@hayshannanz I agree but the reason I brought it up the way I did is because parents don't have the skills, typically. They often are just now learning this in their 50s. It wasn't modeled in previous generations so it had to start somewhere.

[@sharonrachel9487]

Avoidance here. True. And I struggle to feel anything for anyone romantically. It isn't what I want but it's true I struggle to trust and all those thoughts you mentioned go through my mind. Thank you for this. Spot on.

[@lifebeautiful6389]

Would love to see Anxious Attachment Healing next! Thank you so much for this video!

[@Lauravagran]

I've watched countless relationship videos and this has got to be the best, most helpful one I've seen. It's not one sided and you acknowledge both people in the relationship. You touch on all the emotions we all feel. I'm going to share this with the person in my life without fear. My hope is that it's not too late and they are open to listening to what you say. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us!

[@kendrarobbins646]

Wow!! You just unlocked a level of feeling I didn't know was there. It felt as if you were talking directly to me. This video has opened so many levels of clarity for me. Thank you.

[@guhlfriend]

Thanks, Jimmy. This one was poetry as the sun set on my marriage. Over a year separated, and I've gained wisdom, perspective, compassion and peace, largely through this and many other videos you've created. Thank you.

[@amberfrancis7691]

Thanks for helping me to better understand both our sides and how best to show up for my husband. 🎉

[@lisalawn1111]

“The weird guy in this video” is the master communicator about relationships. Especially, attachment behaviors (psychology). Much appreciated Jimmy!😊

[@Speydork666]

This is the single most useful video i have seen about this theme and i have seen hundreds! Thank you som much !

[@Mikelk71]

Thank you 🙏 it is interesting to watch after getting out of a very toxic relationship. I see how I could have done better and she could have too, and that breaks my heart. I will carry that forward as lessons I am learning to bring to my next relationship.

[@animalsperspective4298]

Could you do a video like this but on fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment? Also I’d love to see “dismissive avoidant” in the title so people don’t confuse it with fearful avoidant which is very different. Thank you so so much as always Jimmy 🙏

[@SugarESpice]

Or option 3) You are a single person with an avoidant attachment style whose curiosity was piqued by the title of the video.

[@DrSlotnick]

Or (4), a single person who is still trying to understand their failed relationship with a partner with an avoidant attachment style...

[@SugarESpice]

@DrSlotnick 😔 I'm so sorry you are experiencing that. Being afraid of one's own vulnerability can leave a terrible wake. ... Best wishes as you heal 💛

[@alexandrite9100]

Yup. [Also, trying to heal and learn how to communicate and become more securely attached so my next relationship is as healthy and safe as possible. His videos help so much]

[@CharlesCRONIN-u5m]

Jimmy, one of your best videos. Well done.

[@yms4355]

This advice was life-changing for me. I have experienced a lot of situations such like your dialogue of the two 'persona'. This helped me understand so much about human nature. Thank you, YT recommends! Subbed.

[@horoekaify]

All of this rings true!! Thank you so much. We were both avoidant. I realised and was trying to do things differently, he just discarded the relationship twice. Nothing I can do about that, but much I can continue to do about my patterns. Much appreciated

[@Miska_Lada]

I am not in a relationship, so obviosly nobody send this video to me, but I need to say I found youre videos really rare because you are sharing youre experiences not just something you red somewhere. And of course youre propositions are just on point with non-violente communication. I am mostly secure attachement style ( came there from my anxious attachement style) so I can get triggerd really yeasy when I have and avoidant in front of me. Thats why I am looking on youre videos. The bad part of it is, as we are not in a relationship, I cannot talk like this to the person in front of me ... Anyways thank you for sharing youre experience with those who are willing to listen. And to those who are in relationships, I wish to you all, that youre partner will want to listen. ❤ Take care 😊

[@MusikIsLyfe17]

This is perfectly accurate and I am also reading the book. I hope there’s a video coming out soon for the anxious attached (not just because it’s needed but also so the avoidant doesn’t feel like we’re only focusing on and attacking them 😂)

[@jerilynnschisser516]

Thank you Jimmy! This was very helpful. I'm disorganized attachment or fearful avoidant, lean avoidant and actively working on healing and moving towards secure attachment.

[@manetti4501]

I’m a fearful avoidant and my husband is an anxious attachment style. We’ve been married for 24 years, we were on the verge of divorce last March when I found your channel. Jimmy! You saved my marriage, THANK YOU ❤❤❤

[@RGJRGJ-k4l]

Thanks!

[@sockprocess]

thanks for reminding of the "thanks" feature!

[@melimeloni3369]

Thank you for sharing all of your expierience with us! It helped to start working on my/our realitionship! We learned very much from you at continue to learn ♥

[@juliet8678]

Finally a video on how to start to heal this stuff! Thank you Jimmy ❤️🙏 wish I had known it 40 years ago, but better late than never!! 👍

[@DrKatieStirling]

Wish we could teach this stuff at school.

[@woodstockwitch]

Jimmy, you could not have described my husband better if you read my journal.😂 Thank-you. This is SO HELPFUL bc my husband can't explain himself that well, I can't wait to show this to him! Much love from Nova Scotia 😊

[@ChadCronin]

I’m so used to making myself small and being controlled and just being quiet and waiting for when I’m needed that hearing your video and being told what I deserve and all those positive things it really feels nice. I have been conditioned to think I don’t deserve any of these things and when I ask for anything I’m doing something wrong. I do get punished when I get upset or ask for anything. I want healthy so bad and these videos give me hope and reminds me there could be someone who actually wants me for me and doesn’t just view me as property or a dog

[@jomuldoon100]

Absolutely brilliant!!!! Loved this format, more please!

[@globalastro6422]

I just sent this to my avoidant ex. He recognized our attachment styles pretty early on and used to send em stuff about how to work on my attachment style but i could never find any to send him about the issues on his side. This one works well because it clearly points out my flaws as the anxious partner doing things wrong trying to get more out of him.

[@elkepaull-keller9039]

I really feel this video addressed some major issues in my relationship. And I definitely understand the whole childhood trauma you mentioned at the start of the video. Thank you for encouraging people to be their best.

[@zwil77]

Your videos have been really helpful for me on the journey to being a better partner. Thank you!

[@baruchrachamim1025]

this was so beautiful. i have a friend that i think i is avoidant, and this video has really helped me understand where they're coming from and what they go through. i really appreciate it

[@h.m.1983]

The thing for me is, I don’t have a past where I was neglected. The neglect came from the person I’m still with now. After being someone for 22 years, the person that’s altered my defence mechanisms is my husband. I’m now working out it’s hard to work on myself, work on the past, try and get through to him to work on himself too.

[@toniagerstner133]

Jimmy, they are all great, but this one... It's amazing. Thanks for sharing the hard shit. What you are doing is so important

[@ginren8658]

This is truly your best one yet, heartfelt, detailed , and thorough. Thank you❤

[@fanniegiroux5450]

Thank you Jimmy, very helpful for both attachment style, God bless you

[@ennislife7618]

Wow 😮. Knowing this sooner could have been helpful at the beginning of my relationship. This should be taught in churches. So many people could benefit from this information of they had access to it. Thank you for sharing.

[@paulinaciszak9815]

Thank you so much for this video! It really helped my partner and me in our relationship. You are irreplaceable! Thank you for everything!

[@kristidin1983]

So glad you are discussing the importance of this. Thank you!

[@bastakind6597]

Thanks for this, it sums up our situation and helps me understand why we are the way we are and what we can do to improve our lives

[@heyitsdisco]

As the avoidant partner, I pushed away the love of my life. And my family... and friends... it's been 3 years and I still think about them every day. Doing the work now and seeing the glaring obvious ways that I could have saved our relationship... the deep shame and grief... I remind myself I'm not an inherently bad person since I feel awful and want to change, but don't see the point anymore or really hope for the future. I dont even recognize myself anymore. 💔

[@davidmoreno3555]

I love your content, the kindness and directness you delivered with is magnificent. It really touches me and what i am going through. Please make an Anxious attachment style video, it would actually make it easier to present this to my partner.

[@annieomalleyyewtoob]

reason three for watching: being the avoidant one in the relationship that is self aware enough to get help but also is obsessed with psychology as a safety mechanism to avoid conflict

[@nickjee]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@linamoon-mi7wd]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back

[@nickjee]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@linamoon-mi7wd]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@nickjee]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@Kaathar]

Be strong - its not the end. It will be hard, you will feel as if you lost purpose.. but remember that if you are going through hell, the goal is to keep going.. otherwise you stay in hell.. surround yourself with friends and family and lots of physical activity - daily! You are like a drug addict now on detox. And think of your experience as a lesson, not a punishment.. bright days still lie ahead, you will remember this years later with a smirk..

[@noneya3219]

This video led to the first real conversation with my husband since I found out he had an affair. It has felt like living in a nightmare as it started right after we were married. This video helped us talk to each other in a healing way. Thank you for that.❤ Maybe there is hope for our relationship. Time will tell.

[@kdycruz]

I have a lot of memories, I remember many things my siblings don't is very difficult all of that memories but I understand i have to live and accept that. I tried to be a good mother but I didn't good enough but I also understand that I need to heal. I accept my circumstances is not what I want but I understand. Thanks for sharing blessings and peace to everyone 🙏

[@derhasenkuchen6461]

Thank you sooooo much for this video, I have been searching forever for advice on how to fix my attachment style. Most videos on this topic are only focused on shaming avoidant people without any useful advice at all.

[@TheDaragh]

Glad sometimes a relationship can be saved. BUT both people have to work.

[@DrKatieStirling]

absolutely

[@marcusstevenson510]

This was so good I can't wait until you do videos on the other attachment styles. This could save people

[@sallybenigni9864]

Thank you Jimmy. We never fought until my parter got involved heavily into internet porn and sexting women on porn sites. It continued for months before I found out. Our relationship has been a total disaster ever since that point. He is trying hard to repair the damage, but I have trust issues that go back a long way, he has trust issues that go back a long way too. I think this may help alot. Blessings to you Jimmy for your insight and help.

[@pnt9068]

You should really write a book, that would be so helpful. Thank you for all your support, these videos are life changing.

[@martazalewska7878]

I was secure once. And married avoidant with bit of narcisstic traits. 15 yers later I'm anxious AF & divorcing

[@valerielinares2068]

Here comes Jimmy, reading my mail. I've known that I have an avoidant attachment style because of childhood trauma due to verbal abuse, emotional neglect, and criticism. But I've wanted to know how to heal from it so that I don't bring it into my future marriage. I praise Yahweh, because he He has healed me a lot in this area, but I want to make sure I'm not sabotaging any future relationships because if that past trauma. I believe this will help.

[@EllenStevens-f1z]

Wow this video is possibly the best one! Thank you for the tips. When my person is ready, I'm going to politely ask to work through it together❤❤

[@StressResponseAbility]

Omg... this hit home. Thank you!

[@fromTami.withLove]

This is amazingly helpful advice. Thank you!

[@trinaroe5132]

This really hit close to home and explained why I always got so defensive at the least bit of even constructive criticism.

[@Holly-k7s]

Great info thank you so much 😊

[@niiicola]

Pure gold 🙌🏻

[@lisalambert81865]

I have made efforts to meet him half way or all the way and I get slapped back, if I share a video with him he will say what you say verbatim and it feels un authentic and it doesn’t last long. I stated feelings to him once (opened myself up being vulnerable) and he responded well those are your feeling with such a not my problem and I don’t give a fuck. Things are good between us as long as I don’t say or bring up anything, just go along with him and what he wants including his distance. It hurts and it’s scary to walk away.

[@horoekaify]

I understand it's scary to leave, but also scary to be in a relationship where your feelings don't matter right?

[@smirbelbirbel]

I know it's scary. Terrifying. It's like jumping off a shipwreck into the cold water. It will feel worse, at first. But unless you do it, you will never be able to swim to shore. I just did it. It hurts, but I'm okay. Really relying on friends and acquaintances these days. You can do it. ❤

[@mamamuzic]

Oh wow, this is me and my boyfriend exactly. Just don't rock the boat with any prying questions...I've gone 10 years this way. The stress of not being able to talk about any problems ever, is just terrible!

[@mrsks5399]

I'm at the same stage. I've learned a lot about myself, worked on many issues and really changed my behavior during conflict to be less reactive and more understanding. It improved some of his behaviors but the lack of conflict resolution is still there. The "empty talk" is heartbreaking

[@ashton1952]

Great advice, thanks Jimmy

[@llbailey9946]

My avoidant spouse is different from these family of origin scenarios. He's spoiled rotten only child, fired from more jobs than I can count... but parents just say he's special and employers don't appreciate him LOL. He claims his relationship with them and his childhood was awesome... but he lies constantly to me and them... something doesn't add up. The crazy "nothing is what it seems" gaslighting almost ended my life until I started working hard on my own healing and its logical anxiety. I'm so much stronger now but still second guessing myself what his contradictions & lies mean for my decisions.

[@zaquiri6658]

avoidant attachment can seem very close to narcissistic personality disorder, you probably had the latter

[@williamsfamily3260]

Excellent video ! Thanks so much for your time and thought in preparing!

[@speakdiam]

This is a great video. Thank you! 🙏🏼

[@NielMalan]

6:47 I'm one of those people who had really loving parents. I was not physically neglected or ever abandoned. But one of the things I learned was that I can't get what I ask for. This is not because I was ever denied everything, but because I could get something else, I could get what everyone else was getting, or I had to share what I got, or I had to be grateful for what I did get. What I got was ample for my needs, but I never learned to want something, ask for it, (perhas negotiate for it when I got older), and get it. And this was not necessarily things that happened to me personally: I was one of five siblings, so one just learns from observation what one can expect.

[@kanga1971]

Thank you so much Jimmy. Your work is incredible important. I wish more people had access to your videos, and there weren't such obstacles as language barriers. I'm thinking to translate and make a subtitle to those, which could be beneficial for a lot of people, but it's a big work. Let me know if you're open to some kind of collaboration... Warm hugs from Hungary.

[@zeldasleepyfall7055]

Taking notes. Or write notes to each other. My AuDHD makes me forget a lot...

[@meganrykena7210]

So, my toxic trait is I am both attachment styles. The bags of trauma could write a book.

[@michaelg5761]

Fearful-Avoidant, most likely. AKA Disorganized Attachment

[@mamamuzic]

Sometimes the labels don't feel helpful to me either!

[@janeschofield-rx6db]

i loved this video so much! thank you

[@kk-fo3zx]

At 13:14 , most of the adjectives you used to describe feelings can still be understood as accusations. Hurt, rejected, overlooked, ignored and disrespected can imply a perpetrator-victim dynamic. While the words you mentioned might feel accurate, i think finding alternative options that are less likely to be interpreted as accusations is worth the effort.

[@Outofmycastle]

Such a great video!!

[@jjjones6515]

Your awesome and I appreciate your time and effort

[@RachelMuirheid]

I'm single and don't want to make the same mistakes again. I'm trying to learn to be a better version of myself.

[@baconeggsandstuff]

Never in my life I would've imagined having access to a video like this FOR FREE, that would help my relationship, and all that I have to do is copy paste a link.... If I hear one more person complaining about "the times we live in"....

[@breezaround]

Except I somehow have been a combination type, if the other is more avoidant I become quite anxious, if they are anxious I become very avoidant.

[@sarawilliams8805]

Super helpful! Thank you so much!

[@LukeLiberatore]

Please make a video like this for anxious attachment styles as well 🙂 I loved this and I think it’s helpful to have a third party introduce these ideas to an avoidant partner, so thank you.

[@dana-in-color]

Another great video! I would love to hear your ideas around avoidant types being that way because they don't want to change their role in a relationship (out of a mother, father/patriarchal, child role). That is perhaps another cause of avoidancy that isn't necessarily from abuse or neglect...

[@AlexisFriedlander]

Amazing video! So many of my clients also feel secure until they date an avoidant.

[@Letgooftheillusion]

It's almost unbelievable how that can alter your attachment style.

[@AlexisFriedlander]

@@Letgooftheillusion that's also the proof that we can develop a secure one from an insecure one

[@shriya580]

Thanks ,you made a long video and i was really understanding able to relate to myself

[@tonymartin9086]

@Jimmy on Relationships Love your content man! Its helping me be a better partner. I just hope its not to late.

[@JIF930]

Jimmy do you know my husband????? 😂 SPOT ON!!!!!!!! But I'm addition to Avoidant Personality Disorder, he's a pathological liar. We can't move forward because he hasn't been 100% honest. He avoids answering my questions and continues to minimize what he says or does. Can you address avoidant being a liar?

[@jolenekeddy443]

Or 3 you are learning as much as you can about both sides.

[@amobinwafor1200]

I wish the video came out 3 weeks ago. I might still be in a relationship.

[@paulacoyle5685]

It might be good to explore how neurodivergence (ADHD / high functioning autism) can mimic a lot of very frustrating behaviors that are not necessarily selfish. And if they go undiagnosed, they can really wreak havoc on a relationship. (Marital or parent/child/siblings)

[@trebmaster]

"Conceal, don't feel" - Elsa from Frozen

[@dawnrorrer3648]

Thank you for your time and efforts sharing your knowledge. I am hear because I saw a post on another platform to sub but it’s not for Emily to get more plants. 😂😂

[@tehreemrasool6917]

Waiting for the video of healing anxious attachment

[@EowyntheFair88]

And then there are mostly securely attached people who say specifically what they need to feel loved and are told that it's unreasonable to expect something as simple as a hug every day.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

I think I do need to watch this video eventually, but I've been avoiding it. 😜

[@JIF930]

Can you talk about the effects of men who grew up in a home that were told that boys don't cry or to suck it up?

[@sofiedouda]

Yes please!!! Explaining how the fucked up idea of "masculinity" is first hurting little boys, and later on they will hurt the people around them... We need to start a counter movement to all the sad and stupid "alpha machos" out there. They try to give men an identity (always strong = means to them not having any feelings except anger, wanting to dominate women as they see themselves as superior and women should serve them; in reality they are just like lost little children who hate themselves and run away from their pain... They cause so much damage all around the world; how can they not understand that "(queer)feminism" and "emancipation" does not give freedom only to women or gay people, it wants to free ALL people, also men of the absurd, rigid, small, arbitrary inventions of what they can and cant do, of what they should and shouldnt do... It would allow them to be fucking human beings, to be themselves, individually, to find out who they are, to be able to connect with themselves, to be able to give and recieve love... Its NOT "nature" that men are being violent and mistreating and killing so many people, including themselves (suicide). Its the ideas of society that make us miserable like that. Please Jimmy lets start a counter movement to the stupid, dangerous Alpha Machos 🙏🙏🙏