How To Build Self-Trust (After A Lifetime Of Self-Abandonment)

Self-Abandonment: What It Is And How To Stop Doing It: tinyurl.com/ye...

[@Riona146]

This makes me realize that I don’t isolate because I don’t trust others. I don’t trust myself to stick up for myself, so I choose to isolate so I no longer negatively react to others. Thank you so much for this!

[@bumblebee_ms]

That was a huge light-bulb moment for me too. I have been doing this for a while.

[@enessajoy763]

boom 😝

[@Ashlee-hh6di]

Wow, yes!!

[@luminousweb]

Oh this is so insightful, thank you

[@datcat1981]

Woah... 💡

[@jemmastar5649]

Once I began to build self-trust at the beginning of this year, my procrastination habits, social anxiety, and driving anxiety became SO much more bearable. Self-trust really is at the root of healing ❤

[@Sesso20]

Hi Jemma - you rock! 🙂 Those are things I am also working on this year and I find it quite hard, but this video did give some prompts to look for. How did you take this on? :)

[@Deeper_Spirituality]

Self-trust is such an interesting relationship dynamic with oneself. Can you please tell me more about this self-trust thing. Because I’m still so new to all of this psychology healing stuff.

[@drebugsita]

Wow…I guess that’s what I need to do. So tired of my procrastination, etc

[@themistoclesnelson2163]

Thanks for sharing your experience with the community.

[@julie15957]

Thanks for the testimony.

[@luminousweb]

For anyone else who appreciates seeing things in writing, here are my notes from what Heidi says: 1. Do what you say you'll do - take one small thing and do it consistently for 30 days 2. Make a plan on how to regulate and react when triggered - be present and compassionate with yourself with your actions and behavior 3. Handle relationships with others with honesty and integrity - 30 days - keep every single commitment to see what we actually want to do 4. Say no when you mean no - be clear about your boundaries and communicate when there's an issue 5. Be aware of your feelings - pay attention to what is and isn't working in the present moment

[@del3492]

Thank you so much x

[@SR-hg4ul]

Thank youu

[@drbrianahampton]

Thank you!!🙏🏾 ☺️

[@robertjchoi5012]

That was nice of you!

[@mce8799]

thank you so much!

[@DNS0875]

Today is the first day I reframed my inner conversation. ‘I’m making my bed because I’m showing up for myself’ instead of ‘I’m making my bed because otherwise my room looks untidy.’ Feels completely different!

[@MyOwnFlashlight]

Heidi, on the slim chance you're reading this please know that this video got me out of the house after 3 years. At first it was a three minutes drive to a mall nearby - that was nerve wrecking for me. Whether I stayed for more than 10 minutes or less at the mall, I didn't care at first... I'd tell myself that I got dressed, I drove the car out of the house (albeit just to a place 3 minutes away), and I got home safe. Then I repeated this more regularly. Heidi, you helped me show up for myself ❤ Thank you. You brought some life back into me.

[@branmerr]

Happy for you!! 👏👏

[@prettyzen2]

💜

[@ohsusannah9051]

☀️ Wonderful! Be proud of yourself!!

[@jessicamorales2555]

this comment is so enlightening. Sometimes a great idea in the right time has the power to give us hope to live our life in a better way, or should I say,.... to the fullest of the moment? Weird also to realize that to do good to us sometimes is painful, to begin. Kudos to you, OwnFlashlight, and keep it up! 🎉

[@Derek-fn9si]

Your vulnerability to openly discuss this is a powerful message, showing character that many only dream about possessing, proud of you 👍

[@coffeefordinner]

Understanding the idea of there being an inner child in me that requires parenting has been the single most transformative self-growth realisation for me. Before this I always felt like a kid at heart and not quite as confident and independent as I should be, and I didn't know how to get there. After adopting this attitude of my inner child having needs and the higher/adult me being responsible for filling those needs and soothing the inner child, I've just become way... Better at being a person, hah. I have compassion, empathy, I express feelings genuinely and authentically, I show up for my friends and loved ones, I stand my ground and don't tolerate being treated badly and I make better decisions for my mental and physical health (without forgetting that sometimes it's ok to play and have fun too). When we're young we're told that you'll just automatically "grow up" when you hit a certain age, but I don't think that's true... We grow up when we learn to be our own parents, not just in the practical sense of financially supporting ourselves, but being the inner support system for ourselves, too.

[@halcyondays8945]

Wow. Very well said!

[@thekajalflaneur]

❤

[@MindfullyMindy]

This is exactly what happened for me. I spend time with not only little Mindy, but each Mindy that needed love, compassion, and grace. Those girls and women deserve those things. If not from me, then from who? Even God’s love was blocked out by the pain, fear, self loathing, and emptiness. I had to do this inner child work so that I could completely allow in God’s love, and then from others.

[@finehowareyou]

i have a picture of me when i was about 3 that is just leaning against the wall in a hallway that i pass by all the time. i can barely look at her. and when i do i just want to say i'm sorry,honey..... and cry.

[@kkb474]

❤

[@leyawh]

I'm a 29 year old female who has nothing really to show for all my years on this earth... I've always thought something was "wrong" with me because whenever I would get the courage to do something, I end up backing down out of fear and anxiety. I've always felt I'm just not good enough. I've struggled with on and off depression and just never knew why I could never get out of my comfort zone. I was convinced I was just defected or broken or something like that... I now see why I could never fulfill my own needs and dreams. I simply do not trust myself and I give up before even trying. I was made to feel small since I was little and all my experiences in life kept reflecting that to me even though I knew deep down that I'm so frickin talented and smart! (don't mean to sound cocky, but I'm literally amazing) But yea, it never made sense to me that I knew I'm absolutely capable yet I'm so not at the same time. It's like I was stuck in time. Graduated high school, 10 years went by and I was still the same person. I'm now on a healing self love/trust journey and I'm so ready to get to know, honor, and just be there for MYSELF. Thank you for this soul-filling, life changing video Heidi

[@matsstellanlarsson5429]

❤

[@branmerr]

Yes! Similar experience here. ❤ Great comment!

[@persianprincess90]

I absolutely understand you. Feel the same. Sending you love. You are not alone! 🥰🧡

[@TedBaylis]

You are most definitely not alone. I could have written your reply.

[@comoane]

You’re not literally amazing! You don’t have to be overly humble either, but if you listen to Heidi more you will understand that she is advocating for getting to know ALL aspects of yourself. That includes the “darker” ones. You are just human being, like all of us.

[@MindfullyMindy]

I started nearly 2 years ago, doing something consistently daily, by starting Duolingo. I am still growing strong and have a two year celebration planned. The idea is celebrating being authentic to myself. Now, I also walk everyday. That can be tough in one of the planets hottest spots, but doing it makes me feel good, has helped me lose over 100#s, and become someone new. Then I decided to be outgoing and build friendships based on being open. I now have friendships I never had. My life is full in a way it never was. The start was trusting and loving me. Caring for me and my relationship with myself.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Rock on. Thanks for the inspiration.

[@nyamallol7264]

Beautiful Transformation. Thanks for sharing!

[@eglantinelicorne9535]

That's amazing! Happy for you :)

[@msmr7283]

Thanks for sharing! Really inspiring

[@shallnoTfear]

This gives me so much hope!

[@victoriale2792]

I finished this video in 3 different sittings with multiple breaks bc I felt triggered and dissociated so often .. feel definitely called out, but im trying

[@barbmiracle]

Look at you sticking with it while honoring your needs!!!

[@mariahspringstead775]

My self-abandonment shows up in nearly the opposite way. Instead of being seen as flakey and untrustworthy by saying yes and then changing my mind, I will say yes to everyone and do it all + more making me the "go-to person" for a everything... until I literally go into physical collapse. Then when I say sorry, I'm going to need to back off a bit and take care of myself they get all bent out of shape and I get kicked to the curb. This has basically been the cycle of my life on repeat for as long as I remember. Work, work, work, take on more, and more, go, go, go then... I'm flat on my back and no one wants anything to do with me.

[@strawberrylove5684]

Wow do I relate to what you said here. It’s so incredibly hard to just say “no” in the first place. People pleasing everyone except for ourselves

[@extern83]

They don't seem to be real friends, which is the kind of people one will draw into life when not acting out of intergrity/honesty/authenticity. Instead, when you start friendships together with honest communication and setting boundaries to your time/needs you will get friends who resepct you.

[@everythingandmore5871]

Those are not real people. Real friends, real partners will understand. In fact, maybe you're surrounded by people USING you. Knowing that you will work for them, because you fear abandonment. They LIKE that, because they can use you whenever they need to. People like that are toxic, good people will love you regardless of what you can offer for them. Don't fear being yourself the right people will always find you.

[@shirleyhunt8769]

74 and still working on self trust due to not realizing i suffered from self abandonment 😢

[@kimberlyf4888]

Quitting drinking (I know, a bigger goal than she's talking about) completely solidified my trust in myself. It just snowballed from there.

[@LorraineVirginie]

This might be most applicable for anyone else who struggles with the executive dysfunction… For anyone else who thought her examples of “easy goals” to set for 30 days all sounded too hard… idk if it’s just the ADHD complicating factor or what but those all sounded like really tough goals to start with to me. You might want to start with something SUPER basic like, instead of meditate for 1 minute every day, your goal might be “get out the yoga mat and stand on it every day”. Instead of eat something homemade every day, it might be “write down something you would like to cook”. For my background at least, all of those goals she listed as examples would still be setting myself up to fail and then feel even worse about myself once I couldn’t do even a “simple” goal for 30 days. When your self trust is so low sometimes you need something that is even just pointless and stupid but so easy as a goal. Like it could even be “I will spin around in a circle once a day” as long as you know you can actually do it without having to muster some massive amount of mental energy.

[@universaltruth2025]

Totally agree.

[@Ashlee-hh6di]

Yes, totally agree! Because I’ve had many days where I literally did nothing but watch TV because I was so depressed about myself and where I’m at in life. I’ve started with these small goals, but you’re absolutely right. Standing in the sunlight for one minute is something I could start with.

[@Freyr94]

can relate very much as Im also depressed about where I am alive. Wish you well on your healing journey

[@Freyr94]

thank you for pointing that out! I never knew what small steps are and small means something different to each of us. thank you for reminding what small also can mean as Im a little bit afraid of not following through but adjusting e.g. the amount of time makes it appear doable. I think it shouldnt be too easy but also not too hard to achieve and still I have some fear choosing the wrong thing to follow through..but as Heidi said, its more about sticking to oneself.

[@booksquid856]

Thank you! That is so helpful!

[@kk8490]

Heidi, I remember watching a video where you gave the advice on sticking with something good for you every day for thirty days and I tried it out. (I’m trying to work on strengthening my secondary questioner tendency, I have the rebel tendency so self trust is really hard). I picked something really small (drinking 2L of water a day) and I missed one day in the middle, and was tempted to not count it, but it felt like cheating so I went back to day zero and started again (also, accountability means consequences, so if I just let myself skip that day it would have defeated the purpose of the exercise). I just hit day 30 today and I feel a lot more self trust than I did at the beginning and I’m gonna try adding more stuff now! Thank you for that piece of advice, it was a gem💎

[@joshliam1967]

Wow. For the last six months I've been doing 30 pushups and a Duolingo lesson every day, guess I've been practicing this habit of recovering from self abandonment without knowing! Feels good. :)

[@noora7872]

Summary: What makes it difficult to trust snd how can you the opposite? 1:51 Making promises to "yourself" that you don't keep. 4:43 Counter: make very small goals and do it. Something for yourself, solely because you said you want to do it, without accountability of anyone else. 7:11 You don't understand why you are doing the things you are doing 7:20 Counter: being present and compassionate with yourself Account for situations that we are going to get emotionally hijacked, and making plans for that. 12:42 You don't handle your relationship with others with integrity and honesty 14:01 keep "every single" committment you have agreed to. Experience the consequences of not committment. In long term, say yes less, so you can keep your commitments. 19:24 You can't trust yourself to say no when you mean no. Conter: identify and respect your own boundaries. Make it clear for yourself and other people. 25:20 You're ignorant to the present moment. Show up and pay attention to your emotional experiencess at every momemt.

[@nathananderson8720]

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel 5 months ago about self development. Now I have 329 subs and almost > 100 hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I couldn’t have learned without getting started in the 1st place.

[@oscarborge2543]

Heidi, I hope you can read this. Out there there's plenty of therapists doing an incredible job. You are unique tho. You have the gift of clarity with which you explain complex concepts. Your literature review is impeccable, when there's a concept I need to understand clearly I always go back to you. I love your video about dysfunctional familiy roles, I find myself going back to it (Lost child). Thank you very much for all the effort you put creating your videos and this channel. You've helped me more than many years of therapy.

[@jessicamorales2555]

that is so true, Heidi, without knowing it, is changing lifes, with the gift of her words and knowledge, and with her generosity to share. ❤

[@grat2010]

Self trust and building self intimacy - I never knew how hard that is and how little of it I have. It's so much easier to see how others have neglected/abandoned us. I hope this is a topic you continue to explore here. As I've said before, you have a gift and I'm thankful you're sharing it here.

[@111...]

I couldn't agree more with what you've said. And, sadly, at least for me, I find it incredibly hard to find a therapist who really, really is a match for me. The aspect I feel is the biggest problem in doing so is, we are expected to pay quite a bit for an initial consultation with ALL psychologists, psychiatrists, even medical providers. WE are the ones who will be hiring these professionals, paying their salary...not the other way around. I firmly believe this is far beyond an archaic practice. I, and the majority of people seeking a therapist who can actually help us, can not afford to pay $$$ for each new consultation until the correct fit is found. It's a ridiculous practice. And not just for the patient; if there is not a true connection, a true fit, the patient will not do their portion of the work involved in their treatment, and the therapist ultimately will also lose because they will rack up enough bad reviews that nobody will come to them. Yet, the situation stays the same. It is fantastic what some of these practitioners are doing by utilizing KZbin to offer free help to anyone who wants it. And it is beneficial to both the practitioner and the people watching their videos! Everyone wins... Practitioner when their account becomes monetized. And prospective patients knowing when they've found someone who they will honestly benefit from. Why isn't EVERY practitioner using this platform?!? Much love & gratitude to all who are. Please know that your efforts are greatly appreciated! Peace 💙🦋💙

[@mercyme8014]

@@111...this resonates…thanks for bringing it up. I gave up on therapy for the reasons you mention. I even considered going to school and becoming a therapist but I can’t agree with the way it’s set up. Most people who need it can’t get it on any ongoing basis. Also, the authoritarianism that creeps into the whole client/therapist model. I love the egalitarian approach of Carl Rogers and others who genuinely do their own work. KZbin is not even affordable for many but comes closest to providing many with great tools to begin to learn to unravel their pain and begin to benefit.

[@lindadavis8534]

After listening I am exhausted. That was a lot for me to digest. I got thru the 30 day commitment part, but my mind was racing with “yes, but” and I will have to take a nap and try the last part again

[@roxy4325]

Bruhhhhh! I feel the EXACT SAME WAY! I feel like my brain just got run over by a train and I need to sleep for 3 days straight just to recover from HALF the video! CHRIST! It's like being told you've been doing everything wrong in life including breathing and you need to relearn how to do everything all over from step one. Liiiiillkkkkeeeeee 😭

[@quietowl1246]

When you learn to be out of your comfort zone you realise you can achieve so much. And you start to see you can rely on yourself.

[@_frenchieee_7356]

“Develop a plan for when you are emotionally hijacked/ triggered.” This was a gem! I’m currently working on this in my healing journey. I’m glad this video came across my feed. It’s confirmation that I’m on the right track❤

[@angeladee8789]

By Tuesday I have to say something to my exiting housemate to honor myself, that is very difficult for me. It's so simple, I need to say "I don't think you should take any of my stuff to start your new home, when you are entitled to a variety of support to get yourself set up, and you are working, whereas, as you're aware I don't have much and am poor and unable to work to even meet my basic needs let alone replace what you take." Makes sense and I agree with my point of view. But this housemate has been abusive and I fawn and act agreeable with them (and everyone else in my past). They're leaving because I began practicing boundaries and when they flipped out I didn't put up with it. But now they're leaving they said they want to take some of my furniture and kitchen items because they have nothing.. but I had nothing a year ago and was given the few things I have from a church, and they are able to get the same help from church (and they will). But I already got help and can't replace what this housemate takes. I have agoraphobia and cptsd from abuse and a physical disability so I can't replace what they take. All I need to do is show up for myself and say no you can't take MY STUFF. But it's very hard.

[@brunhilde1]

Good for you! And I so relate. Rooting for you to follow through.

[@commecicommeca9944]

02:20 inner child gets "let down" 06:40 step one build self accountability - do something I said I would 07:10 2 be present and compassionate - understand and develop plans for situations of being emotionally hijacked by our triggers /attachment systems 10:30 recognizing in the moment when disregulatet / dissociatet -> states of risk for self abandonment - > being prepared, having strategies, know how to handle it - > know who I am and trust the version I am when regulated (!) - > leave problem solving to that version 12:40 3 how am I handling situations with others -> guilt\own needs -> doing "homework" before committing to plans instead of being to quick to say yes 19:25 4 saying no when meaning no -> knowing where my limits and boundaries are and enforce them in order to trust ourselves 22:05 Pulling away = something feels like a no /boundary crossed -> learning where those boundaries are earlier, before they get stepped over, comoassionately phrasing them = self trust 23:10 (!) ppl with history of trauma /attachment wounding: having fear that setting boundaries/being clear about them = getting abandoned - > only true when we choose to engage with ppl who fear/feel threatened by boundaries - it's the OPPOSITE in secure relationships - > boundaries make relationships work better, are the healthy limits that allow us to show up without fear 25:20 5 frequently zoning out from present (emotional) experiences (adaptive strategy/response from childhood) -> necessary to pay attention towards what is and isn't working for us in a giving moment order to build a sense of self trust 26:45 appropriately recognize and respond to emotional threads - > try to stay as present as possible with ourself in as many moments as possible - > lifelong process > self trust grows the more we master this

[@th9nj9]

thank you!

[@RachelAnnHarding]

My hero!

[@commecicommeca9944]

@@RachelAnnHarding ✨

[@Evy78]

Merci :)

[@astorywhispered]

This is a bit of an epiphany for me. How clearly I believe that I am someone who can handle disappointment and betrayals because I so often opt out of acting and building towards things I am internally hoping for and say it's no big deal, it's only me I'm letting down. It's just me who is missing out. It's such an autopilot thing to self-abandon that it throws me to realize that I stopped hoping for a lot of things because I don't trust that I will ever actually act in alignment with my feelings. Everything here feels like my experience.

[@WisdomWithin999]

Heidi, it blows my mind how articulate and eloquent you are. I have nothing but endless appreciation and admiration for you. ❤

[@bezzerbear]

I know- she is seriously the most eloquent. Thank you Heidi!!!!! ❤❤❤❤

[@bumblebee_ms]

I agree!!! Me too.

[@littlestbroccoli]

Absolutely true, all of this. And an added note for anyone suffering with depression through this as well, there are a lot of "shoulds" here and it could be easy to beat yourself up even more for not following through on promises. But the more we can learn to be patient with ourselves and forgive, forgive, forgive - every day forgive yourself for something, even if it's small! - the more we can hold a soft spot for our inner selves that makes it a breeze to follow through naturally. I promise, if you are struggling with heaviness and can't see an end to it, it gets better. It all gets better with kinder self talk and forgiveness. ❤

[@branmerr]

Yes!! ❤

[@vikramchatterjee4495]

It's so crazy that you talk about dissociation as something that needs to be "called out" when it was pretty much my default state in elementary school.

[@dante_miguel]

If we speak in terms of spirituality, ascenscion, growth.. I recently learned that we will only accomplish as much as we trust ourselves in this lifetime. Thank you for the insight and healing.

[@Sand_sea_]

“you are continuously breaking the trust of your inner child,There is very young very innocent part of you thats het very excited every time you make a big plan for your future and that part gets continuously let down every time you get emotional invested in a plan and don’t follow through on it

[@lauradeveausmith]

My goodness Heidi, your recent round of videos are addressing precisely what I need to hear in the moment. Thank goodness for you!

[@brookenicoley90]

My first small thing i did solely because I said I would (...and to begin to build self trust) was drink my coffee black! Still going strong! It's been a few months now! I tried so many other times and always gave up. This perspective has been so helpful, I have implemented it in other ways now too!

[@sunnybadgr5073]

Coffee is harmful and unnecessary

[@danielborrowdale3903]

​@@sunnybadgr5073 So positive. If you have nothing good to say say nothing at all.

[@breanna2772]

@SunnyBadgr I think you're right. I can see how it has been enabling me to make choices that are really not good for me, like staying up late or sitting to scroll Facebook longer than I would have otherwise. Also, I have often become dehydrated, especially because I'm a nursing mom! Also, I wonder if my nursing child might sleep better if I was not drinking coffee :) Thank you for giving me something to consider trying for 30 days!

[@sunnybadgr5073]

@@breanna2772 Yes. It's definitely better to not take any stimulants when being pregnant or nursing a child if you don't want your child to have ADHD or other side effects from stimulants. Also, you're right that coffee dehydrates you, many people who drink coffee are deficient in electrolytes. It also disturbs the circadian rhythm and disturbs digestion, a lot of people who get stomach cancer after ~40 have consumed a lot of coffee over many years. Not to mention that caffeine makes people dependent so then they can't even concentrate without it and feel like a zombie.. And constant use of stimulants also fosters anxiety and nervousness, which leads to high cortisol and all kinds of other problems.

[@sunnybadgr5073]

@@danielborrowdale3903 What I said was positive, because it's the truth. There's nothing more positive than the truth, even if it hurts to hear it. Caffeine is a stimulant like amphetamine, it's harmful and unnecessary. Are you saying I should not speak up and keep my positive health knowledge to myself and leave people in the dark? How would that help anyone? Of course if I'm among people who I know don't care about their health, I wouldn't bother trying to share my knowledge, but I assumed that everyone following this channel is receptive to any knowledge about improving one's health, not just mentally. Even in health conscious circles (like people following the carnivore diet), many people are still in denial about caffeine's bad effects because they're so addicted and rationalizing it, just like other addicts are rationalizing their behavior.

[@danielposavec7215]

Great video! I would just add a caveat: do not follow through on promises where you might get hurt or abused just because you promised someone. A lot of people with weak boundaries might misinterpret your suggestion and make it a rule.

[@HB-dd3yg]

For me it’s a little of both: following through with myself and also cancelling with others. I think I self-abandoned in the past by following through on everything (sometimes because I actually made a commitment, other times just because I felt an obligation or had let others talk me into things), no matter how it made me feel, sometimes completely overworking myself. I had to learn to cancel plans, and only then did it become possible for me to connect to the idea of saying no in the first place or ask more questions (something I‘m still working on!). I definitely still tend to say no to everything, because I‘m afraid I‘ll work myself into the ground by following through. Interesting topic, thanks for the video!

[@MHasnaM]

YES ^^

[@mivaproductions]

THIS!!! Interestingly I stopped saying yes to things because I don't trust myself anymore to follow through or not get burnt out working to understand what a healthy balance is for myself!

[@ryanslings6234]

This is an interesting adaptation of some critical CBT concepts into a very easy format to enact outside of a clinical environment. I absolutely love what you're doing here, dude. I've been kinda binge watching your series in my recent down time and I have to say I'm extremely impressed. You're on to something beautiful in this channel. I've noticed you've gained almost 10k followers during the week or so I've been following your channel. You're on your way.

[@jessicamorales2555]

I have anxious attachment tendencies. In my last relationship,...with an avoidant, of course,... I felt something was not working. We talked about it, and put together a timeline and a checkpoint. After it was due, there was no improvement. And at that moment I was hesitant to give up. It was so damn painful to let go. We struggled with that for months until he with candor told we need to stop. I have done so many unconcious sabotage for god's sake,....but therapy and videos at the same time. It still hurts, but now I learned to take care of my inner child wound. I committed to do personal changes, and with less or more like, I am sticking to them. Now I have my personal projects, I met new people, put some boundaries to environment, learned new skills, and abandoned some habits, people and self talk that do not do good to me. It is not easy, and sometimes not nice either, but I am sticking to it, and minute by minute I am feeling better and more free. Thanks Heidi for describing to me what I have been learning these past months. ❤

[@cheyennechristinelivinglife]

Omg. I don't know how no one jas said this about showing up for myself to help me trust myself in a way that I actually heard it!! It makes total sense. I've spent a life of doing for everyone else and would tell myself I'd do stuff and then be naaahhh too hard, etc, and not follow through. There are just so many holy crapcakes moments in this video. Thank you so much!! ❤❤

[@umagezangobisi]

So grateful for this. I am in my late 20's and I'm truly ready to heal and step into a successful art career and deepen my relationships. I appreciate the tools you have created for healing and becoming a better person. Lack of access to healthcare (therapy) and a traumatic childhood is not a strong enough excuse because I deserve a healthy and joyful life.

[@consistentbass]

My journey started with making my bed every morning. A simple small goal. And now I am proud of my self because one good habit established has turned into compounding progress in changing my life for the better. This has actually helped me actually deal with past trauma by understanding what caused the negative feelings associated with certain situations and acknowledging the bad habits I created to cope. Now I am changing those reactive coping mechanism with conscious good habits that help me make better and wiser choices.

[@cammercook3210]

It’s like you’re in my head sometimes and you know EXACTLY what I need to work on and exactly how to work on it. Thank you, Heidi 💕

[@OohAPrettyRock]

I'm bad about being kind of flaky with people but man your bit on dissociating (and in several other of your videos) really grabs me. It's a challenging habit to break, but I so appreciate your content for bringing it up. I don't think I would have ever realized it. All the best 😊

[@cinematicpsychology6725]

Hi Heidi! I feel very grateful that I found your channel! The way you have described the experience of fearful avoidant attachment disorders has brought me so much clarification and made me realize I am not alone. Your videos approach these issues with empathy and understanding, rather than just labelling people like me as "toxic" and unfixable. I am consistently impressed with your content. Do you offer zoom therapy? If not, do you have a therapist you could recommend? If not to both of those things, I just want to say thank you for doing what you are do! Not only are you helping thousands, but you are actively offering counter narratives against pseudo-psychologists who only encourage finger pointing.

[@jyamaloha2322]

I’m interested in learning about Heidi’s services too, maybe along the lines of a virtual course. She’s excellent!

[@cinematicpsychology6725]

@@jyamaloha2322 Yes, that would be amazing! She should also write a book about attachment theory. She is so much more practical and insightful than the VAST majority of mental health experts out there.

[@j3ffn4v4rr0]

@@cinematicpsychology6725 not just practical and insightful, but she's also able to explain these things REALLY well!

[@_so_ya_]

I love your videos. I used to be very trustworthy, and then I had some experiences where I felt I lost myself in it, and my physical health. I'm just finding my way back into health, and I want to understand where my limits are. This video gave me some much needed insight into what I'm experiencing. Thank you!

[@Ykpaina988]

This definitely makes sense to me and explains how I failed to show up for myself after years of feeling abandoned by others who loved me

[@derrik-bosse]

Self-trust doesn’t interfere with parts therapy (IFS) at all. Without self-trust, we can never trust the parts or the therapy.

[@kriyapada]

Your channel is loaded… very solution centered❤❤❤

[@cherylpa527]

Wow, you have such a gift at explaining this information in such a clear and concise manner. I realize I have gotten much better at expressing boundaries and saying no, but I realize I abandon myself, my inner child, all the time! I am going to find a picture of me as a little girl and put her somewhere that I see her every day and start to be more accountable. I have gone through years of therapy and read hundreds and hundreds of books on healing and I continue to learn. Big hugs to anyone who happens to read my comment, and an extra hug for your inner child ❤

[@sardarpirhadi577]

I usually don’t comment but i have to say your videos and your knowledge are equivalent to thousands dollars of therapy ❤

[@seanaskrent9404]

I’d love to see a video on feeling obligated to say yes all the time, regardless of if you want to go to something or are feeling overwhelmed because you don’t want to let someone down. Then resenting yourself because you have no free time and should be enjoying the time spent with others.

[@melissasmuse]

She shared this exact thing in the video :)

[@susanavieira9083]

I've been watching your videos for some time, and it's this is the first one I'm commenting. For two reasons: first to say thank you for all your brilliant work and then to add that this video comes at a time where I was feeling overwhelmed and stuck by learning about these concepts that resonate so much with my experience and not being sure if I was implementing them correctly in real time situations. This approaches the reason why I was feeling so insecure. So, once again, thank you!

[@vivekajagadeesan3336]

One more foundational thing here is have a sense of self-love and having an experience that you can trust yourself not to be your own abuser. It's hard to act on the other ideas without that, because you can end up retraumatizing yourself.

[@delenthiairby9156]

I love the idea of dating people within your social network so your friends can hold you accountable. ❤

[@abbywoolfson584]

I am glad there is an explanation why I stopped committing to everyone. Caught in this horrible cycle of detaching from people.

[@IamSunRae]

Wow, “I can't just self-abandon temporarily for a hit and then not suffer the consequences.” That hit me like a freight train, thank you. ❤❤

[@themaggattack]

Wow, the way you explain it makes me realize just how often I really have built my inner child up with grandiose plans only to let myself down. And I've been actively denying my own emotions all my life. Thank you for giving tangable examples of how to start building self trust. This is such a helpful video.

[@joshuasloan169]

I’d love to see a similar video about the anxious side. I never said no or walked out of a situation I didn’t like, and now I am having to allow myself to walk out or get angry.

[@unicornishcornish]

Oh my goodness thank you!!! This helped so much. I went through therapy and things were great for a while but then there was a streak of huge challenges this year and I kept disconnecting from my inner child with no clue what I'm doing wrong. This is it! I've been losing her trust, I wasn't supporting myself. In the course of this video my inner child started talking to me again excitedly letting me know this is what she wanted me to know but couldn't put it into words. Oh God it feels so great to be connected again. Now I have to do what you advised, start keeping my word and not expect 100% from myself all the time. Be vulnerable and state clearly when my batteries run out.

[@branmerr]

💯💯❤❤

[@itneverwillbefar]

Such a thorough discussion of this topic -- I've been working a lot at self trust lately and been kinda stuck, I had never made the connection between backing out of obligations containing insights into where we need to be more firm with our boundaries. It makes total sense, though. Self trust is built on self acceptance and self awareness . They're all puzzle pieces that work together. I appreciate how honest you are with your own shortcomings, as well, because it reminds me that everyone is a work in progress, and that's okay.

[@elisabethannwexler4728]

Thank you, Heidi, I always appreciate what you have to share. Bringing real tools & compassionate understanding to survivors of trauma makes a difference. For me, my self-trust has been based on how present I've been with myself for many years. The wise part of me stepped in to support myself. This definitely is a life long process of "Being present with ourselves." Using our present moment awareness" to be discerning and to make wise choices is very much to the point. How we show up for ourselves internally is then translated into how we show up in relation to others. If we experience integrity with who we are in consistent ways over time, we can bring this to our external world & different situations. Showing up for ourselves again & again & returning to this can build confidence & trust. One of the most courageous & compassionate things we can do for ourselves is to commit to being consistently present with ourselves in response to childhood neglect, abandonment, separation & betrayal..

[@YouilAushana]

Having respect for oneself when looking in the mirror and a general feeling of safety are extremely important! So, that feeling is my "inner child (happiness compass)"? I was a superstar and abused until I was broken.

[@BeStillandKnow0000]

I loveeeee this. It's so beneficial for me, i'm gonna watch it over and over again and implement it in my life. thank you !

[@AlexisTwoLastNames]

i don't trust myself at all. every choice i make is accompanied w anxiety, even choosing which flavor of yogurt to eat lol. hope this helps cuz i feel my potential is so wasted that there is no point in living at all. i'm very all-or-nothing. ahh, so basically i have to have follow-thru. which i knew. guess i wanted a different answer :( now to figure out how to follow-thru

[@F4narragansett]

Driving across country to start a new life. Listening to all your videos. Grateful

[@cfjohnson7369]

I often complain that other people are not worthy of trust! For me to learn how to trust myself, that is big!

[@kaycuz9402]

I have chronic derealization/depresonalization. Its incredibly difficult if not impossible to be presnt in my body most of the time. It makes my follow through and decision making a very trying process and im often just a long for the ride. But I am trying my best to weigh all my decisions and if they will in the end have the best out come for me and those around me. Your videos have been nothing short of a miracle to discover at this time in my life. You have a very grounding presence and your way of articulating these complex issues is incredible. So glad i found this channel!

[@phltns]

Finally, a positive approach, and not just a list of what's wrong and why!! Thank you, Heidi.

[@mdotbeezy2650]

This is something I struggle with quite a lot. I find it easy to follow through on my promises to others, but very, very hard (to the point where my inner feeling is "I have no control whatsoever") to follow through on my promises to myself. I'm not even a people pleaser, but I kind of think, "it's unfair to ask someone to put trust in me and then not fulfill that trust"; like it's not my right to waste people's time. Ironically (or not) I find myself frequently let down by people around me who decide not to follow through on their promises, but I struggle to express why I'm upset or disappointed in a productive manner or hold my ground in a way that other people find respectably (and in the way that the people I admire seem to be able to do)

[@morganneher8643]

Not sure why but EVERYTHING in this was what I needed exactly TODAY lololol, thank you!!!!!! I’m way more behind than I thought I was with this stuff YIKES!!!! This video REALLY helped me today ❤️❤️❤️

[@ofyourbluesky]

There's no race! Take your time. Success is in the journey

[@artapothecary53]

This is some of the best and most practical advice I may have ever received. My intuition was driving me to do some of these things but was not framing it as building self trust and that feels so right

[@Illustrious_Print]

Wow. The timing of this video could not be more perfect. I am struggling so much with this right now.. Both in relation to promises I make to myself when I am regulated, and saying "yes" to plans before knowing all the details of the plans and then cancelling when finding out. Will definitely incorporate these strategies.

[@deemag1415]

The guest house method has helped me immensely with self trust.

[@solomonelijah]

i really like your perspective. one of my fav psychology channels. it’s so cool that you are doing this as part of your training to be a psychologist. i wonder, how did you even get into all this? like i know you are in school for psych w a focus on att theory, but it would be cool to see a video as to how you got involved.

[@FaithfulGardnerDNP]

Your channel has helped me work thru some issues I couldn’t even talk about much less understanding.

[@lesliemctavish4300]

Thankyou again for another insightful video. You are responsible for beginning to wake me up to the truth that I live in a fantasy in one very important area of my life. Thankyou for saying how to approach moving beyond that in your video. Ive been very lost about what was holding me back and keeping me stuck. I do know that I fantasize because I am afraid to go on the real life journey of creating financial reliance and prosperity. And even a authentic journey because I often think that theres no money in the things I love. I think the truth is that I have no exact way of telling what my success will be until I try😊 Anyways, I have alot to work on now. Thankyou❤

[@cassandragrayes6149]

Love this advice. Just let go and be. Don’t try to force or manipulate the situation. What will be will be.

[@vemrith]

Last time I checked you had 15k subscribers and now it’s 80k👏🏼 Way to go! 🥰

[@777jamesrc]

You have been a godsend, truly! I love you back for putting the real work in and being authentic with your subscribers. Keep up the great work and know how much your hard work is appreciated!

[@wasabiheehee]

A small habit of mine I want to see myself always carrying out now is commenting on a youtube video I find very touching and endearing to me. Everything I have learned in this video was extremely insightful and has opened my eyes and now my vision is clearer as can be. Who knew that building a grandiose dream of my future was simply a comping mechanism for my current situations. This click into my brain like the last piece of a puzzle. From this day fowarrd, I will slowly but surely learn to build trust with myself.

[@JazminAlvarez-kj4mq]

I told myself im going to do this puzzle. Havent done it yet but today im going to do it. Its like an advent calendar puzzle. 24 little boxez of puzzle pieces that make one big puzzle. One box a day. Todays day one. 1: i need a lil yt break. This is intense. I almost gave up but I kept at it and finished it.🎉🎉🎉 2: this part was easier✅ 3:✅ 4: another day another slay 5:I did all in one sitting this time. Yayyy 6:✅ 7:✅ I made myself do it even though it was late and didn't feel like it. It felt good to do it when I didnt feel like it and still do it. It's like I discovered a new part of me that has alot of potential. 8:✅too 9:✅easy 10:✅✅ 11:✅ 12:✅ 13:✅ 14:✅ somebody liked the comment and ive been doing them everyday I just haven't been updating the comment. 15:✅ 16:✅ 17:✅

[@23.27]

this was a WONDERFUL video. You should be really proud of yourself. So many people including myself have gained a lot of clarity. You're making a real impact. So I hope you have a great day

[@user-nd6jf6le8w]

I watched the video and understood that though in some points I am clearly failing, there are things which noticed and did before watching this video. I am happy for myself❤ thank you Heidi❤

[@ladyvonchasarik5343]

Hi Hiedi! Thanks so much for your videos they are great. This video made me feel beyond uncomfortable in the best ways as I struggle with a lifetimes worth of self abandoning actions. I'm sure I will have to watch this again and again to start rebuild my self trust. Thanks so much of all your insights. Great material.❤❤❤❤

[@strawberrylove5684]

Thanks for making this comment. This video also made me feel very uncomfortable, but I also realize it’s because it’s directly pointing out my greatest weakness and the thing i most fear to learn

[@frewid]

I just don't know where to start. But the things you are describing in this video were so spot on from what I have been feeling. It feels like someone has put to words to my feelings and now I see what I have been doing for a lot of years! Not only you put words on the thoughts but you also give words to the way out of the feelings - even though it is a journey. This might be my best help for some time. I am so much looking forward to work on this now. Thank you very much for this video!

[@JEWandJentile5781]

Thank you so much for all that you post on these subjects. While I am the most healed I have ever been from many of the wounds of the past themselves, the Lord just recently showed me that I needed to get the root out, similar to the sac in a cyst, so the wounds don’t keep returning. He showed me my fear of abandonment and how much of my adult trauma could have been avoided if I was healed and not playing a huge part and I have been trying to work on being my authentic self, trusting myself, setting and keeping boundaries and so much more. I feel like He led me to your videos and they have been a huge help and relief in many ways as it has helped me to understand the whys and what to do nows and how to turn things around in time and give myself grace during the process. And what a process…a messy, painful, beautiful process that I’m so grateful to finally be on and working through. It’s not easy, but it is so worth it. So, thank you. God bless you.

[@danielthornton1633]

Lol my inner child just said “man I’d you try to use these tricks against me I’ll cripple you with the worst panic attack you’ve ever had” lol

[@GeraldBRhodes]

I definitely resonate with this video. I definitely make grand plans, follow the directions, bring it across the finish line, and never get any financial results. this is the way that i abandon myself. and I don’t know how to turn this around…

[@piabaingo3096]

omg! You can literally formulate every sentence in a way that makes so much sense to me and I can deeply relate to. Thank you so much for your videos they really help me understand myself!

[@Sesso20]

Hello Heidi 🙂 I havent been around for some time, but this video had perfect timing. Thanks a lot for your help, advice and clarification. I was writing, a few days ago I think, into my journal, something along the lines of "how can I trust myself when I am not doing what I say I do, constantly.." This is just one of the things that can easily trigger me, immensely. And I realized through your video, that I am really fantasy-coping my way through some days and that I dont take into account my mental/physical capabilities, because as a student with certain deadlines (or just any human with responsibilities) I have a tendency of forcing myself through tasks. Which always leads to me procrastinating anyways and in the end, making 20% progress when I promised and planned to do at least 80%. And this constant loop of self-disappointment takes over into other areas where I usually am very resilient in, like cooking healthy or doing sports. I also lack the energy then to engage in these activities properly, so I do a full circle of exhausting myself, while giving myself no time to rest. Lol. Kind of helped me to write this out. Self-trust, learning to say No, seeing and accepting my own limitations and so on, goes a long way, but I will give the 30 day challenge a shot. 🙂 Thanks again - will start to watch more of your videos again, to get myself accountable for wanting to change.

[@gothmaze]

Thank you so much for this video! It's incredible to be on this path and I am so grateful. I never really understood self-trust.

[@bellastone-le9eb]

Very helpful. This was the key to what I have been needing. Checking in with self is so important and knowing where your boundaries are and then agreeing to sticking by what you want and don't want. So very important. One of the best things I've learned is not to offer myself to do something because I know I won't have the energy or time to do it later. And to be slow to agree to doing anything. Tell people you'll get back to them or that you need a second to think about it. This is so important to not abandoning self. Also, trying to fit in is abandonment of ourselves as well.

[@mon4711]

This was exactly what I needed, I didn't know how to name it and bring it up in theraphy, now I have a plan. I do have some knowledge gaps in knowing my triggers, how to act in a self supporting way when I'm triggered, and how I can stop dissociating. If you can touch these subjects, I would love to listen! My small promise for 30 days is: 1 minute of rush cleaning every night before I go to bed. I will do my best with keeping promises for 30 days, wish me luck!

[@thetuckinlady]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@Gayhippie420]

Recently I’ve been in spirals of panic but some of your videos have genuinely calmed me down and made a lot of sense.

[@universaltruth2025]

I have tried a number of times to address situations with friends that feel off and weird in a calm, direct and honest way. But it has never worked in the way you describe. The other person usually simply responds in a passive aggressive or angry way and stonewalls. Which just makes me feel even angrier and wonder why I bothered. Or with my DA husband he just won’t accept any responsibility for the situation and very little comprehension of what I’m trying to explain. So that goes nowhere either. He won’t or can’t change his way of interacting and cannot understand my needs for better communication. I just don’t think most people are able to interact in a mature and securely attached way. Very few that I know anyway.

[@talithakoum1965]

Sam Vaknin speaks about self efficace. How trust oneself After having endured manipulations of thé freaks of hello without leaving. Toxic familiers are thé worst.

[@elletuppen4844]

So brilliant, thank you. Your eloquent presentation truly makes for fulfilling listening and understanding ❤

[@SB-yj7qo]

Thank you for your videos

[@your_daily_messege]

Wow incredible video and thank you for your own personal sharing as well

[@sisifromthefuture]

day 2 and honestly, doing this has made me feel really defeated. like, I genuinely have been trying so hard to follow through with just chores that I have both my inner critic yelling and my inner child just self-sabotaging. congrats to the folks who can do this; I don't even know where to begin on motivation, it seems like.

[@marid.2874]

As always, you’re reading right into my soul. I need to watch you more. You’re the single most helpful KZbinr I've ever watched.