How is it narcissistic people have friends?

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[@ardent9422]

From what I’ve experienced they’re only cruel to the people closest to them and the “friends” are usually flying monkeys or lower level narcissists themselves and they’re sort of getting supply from each other. In normal relationships you’re more loving and affectionate to the people closest to you, since narcissistic brains seem to be wired backwards they’re cruel and callous to the people closest to them and really kind to people at the surface level.

[@It-Is-What-It-Is.]

All about keeping their public image.

[@transitionsnc]

Great comment. I completely agree with this.

[@anastasijabeograd3903]

wow so on point !

[@stevegrindley6775]

Exactly !!!

[@CodyCole80]

💯👍🏾💯

[@janeloraine6231]

He always came home with a grand story of how valuable and irreplaceable HE was at work. Then the wheels came off came off - shame and blame. Then he got fired. That's when I learned his coworkers barely tolerated him, they said his was the only voice in the room that mattered. They also thought I was a saint to live with him! Amazing how different the story was when told by someone in the building with him day after day! Thanks Dr Ramani.

[@elenamigaldi7404]

Exact same story as my ex husband and for 15 years he has perpetuated the story that he was making so much money he decided to retire early. He’s a pathological liar.

[@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723]

Funny you said that: I was once told the same. I should have heard that. They truly only have friends who are kept at arms length. I suspect that Narcissists are uncomfortable in their own skin. That’s likely why the do their do their best to hijack other’s lives. They lack depth of character and definitely lack self love. It’s a tragic reality. I believe my x was a vulnerable narcissist. They manage to keep their mask up in the short term.

[@michellesecrett1]

Ex never got promoted and complained no one at work liked them and his boss told him he “always had to be the victim”… hmmmm, yup

[@brimstone33]

Yep that's my wife's story to a "T". When something goes wrong at work it's NEVER her fault or her mistake. I have to listen to her whine and complain and accuse everyone else. Every day I hold my breath expecting her to get fired because I know the other shoe can drop at any time when her coworkers and bosses get fed up with her games. Nothing I can do, it's not like I'm gonna talk her into being a reasonable person at work any more than I can convince her to be reasonable at home. Apparently though she is very good at her job and works very hard, probably the only thing that has kept her afloat this long. Recently I started playing pickleball with a great group of people, mostly to get away from her. She couldn't stand it so she muscled her way into that and charmed all those nice, gullible folks into thinking she is just a sweet darling. I wonder how long she can keep that charade up. Probably quite a while.

[@littlesongbird1]

One of my now former friends is a narc. He is a musician and he often works with people who are better than him not just at their craft but just kinder people than him. Long story short, he used me by promising to make me a member of his band if I did his website and promotions but broke his promise and decided to work with a girl he met an open mic (tbh was and still is an amazing talent) He was pushing 50 and she was like 18/19. She already had a following and a record deal for a local producer, etc. so was already doing better than him but he acted like he was taking her under his wing and helping her out etc. I came to find out later she realized he was using her and now refuses to even admit she worked with him.

[@susanjones8489]

Narcissists don’t have friends, they have hostages. Everyone has a an assigned role in the narcs life: whipping boy/girl-a listening post for their benefit not yours-someone to blame and gossip about etc.

[@shenisenicole103]

Whew

[@wendyhannan2454]

Well said, I agree ☝️

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Wow so true - hostages

[@evercuriousmichelle]

Yes, I think we have a family friend with narcissistic tendencies and she talks 90% of the time and stops to ask us one or two questions max.

[@modernanimist2421]

THIS!!!

[@jade9461]

I worked with a lady, who in hindsight realized she was a narcissist. She had an outgoing, fun and feisty demeanor. We went shopping one day after work and she was obviously very bored. But later at work she raved to people how much fun we had shopping. It was all performative. It was the last time I spent time with her outside of work.

[@isobel64]

Im confused, sounds like she said that to spare your feelings? Even if I were bored I wouldnt tell people shopping with you was boring?

[@elipotter369]

I had a friend who told me about her great boyfriend who knew all about real estate investing - the reality was very different - he was an unemployed, unwell, anxiety ridden and resentful middle aged man who drove badly and only owned one property that he'd bought brand new and had left empty, lived with his parents and complained about having no money. It was super uncomfortable for me being stuck with her for over a week when I moved to a new city and found out the reality of her character and life style. She was an abusive grandiose narcissist.

[@jordanferguson2254]

isobel64, I get what she's saying. I was out with a friend one night and we both acknowledged the place was boring as hell, so we sat to eat some nachos. The place was very nicely lit up and there was blaring music, so she made me take very fake Snapchat videos for her story where she acted like she was having the time of her life. The whole time I was thinking, what the fuck are you doing?? 😂💀

[@jordanferguson2254]

Jade, Yep, stuff like this, as well as some more serious examples from my own encounters is why I don't give people I talk to, automatic credibility anymore. It's not true until it's verified. Don't care if that sounds strict. This stuff matters since what people tell you or present, forms the impression that helps you decide whether you want them in your life or not. My neighbor lied so casually about having a PhD, but everyone else he's told probably don't care to do their due diligence. Imagine if I was looking for a business partner who knew their shit. I do it anyways, even when I'm not "being serious" because I generally don't want liars in my circle.

[@justjosie8963]

so, that means you don't know narcissist, or you are one @@isobel64

[@astrialindah2773]

Birds of a feather flock together 😏..... I think this is how narcissists have friends.

[@aliceinchains9357]

Yes... A lot of the people my narc father claims friendship with... Are similarly superficial... It's amusing to observe as they sometimes claim 30 year friendship with each other... And they know NOTHING about each other... 'So where did Pete live before he moved here' ? I don't know 'What did (retired) Pete do for work?' ... I don't know.. Does Pete have kids? I don't know... Why would I know that??

[@CodyCole80]

Exactly! 💯 The people who are narcs develop close bonds with are usually narcs (or have tendencies) themselves.

[@CodyCole80]

@@aliceinchains9357 🔥 PREACH!!! I’ve seen this myself. It’s all surface…NO DEPTH.

[@Fabulous7B]

Yes, and they will also turn on each other when they are no longer benefiting from the friendship.

[@robertcristando8007]

Sometimes their “friends” are also narcissists and they just blow sunshine up each other’s buttholes, feeding off each other when they’re together but then talking bad about them behind their back. Sometimes they keep friends, less financially secure or less educated, around to make them feel better about themselves. Didn’t see it at the time but the latter group actually only hung around because they felt sorry for her. As for the former group, the way they treated their husbands should’ve been a major red flag for me! All 20/20 hindsight!

[@deebrown1688]

OMG i agree

[@cindydee8475]

lol so true! I know a person who loves "helping out" the homeless and is a caretaker for the elderly. It all looks so noble on the outside but in reality, she only likes to surround herself with people she can have control over...No speculation here.. strait from the horses mouth 🙄

[@cindydee8475]

lol so true! I know a person who loves "helping out" the homeless and is a caretaker for the elderly. It all looks so noble on the outside but in reality, she only likes to surround herself with people she can have control over...No speculation here.. strait from the horses mouth 🙄

[@texannadeb5005]

My ex makes sure his friends are all less good looking than him. They seem to love him, like the “cool guy” wants to hang with them. They are definitely his flying monkeys...I was their target. When anyone seems to question if he’s really all that great, he stays away from them, but he’s got his core group of “friends”...flying monkeys that I think will stick with him til death do they part.

[@wendyhannan2454]

Robert that’s brilliant, I see it now as well.

[@toshio1334]

They go for quantity over quality. The "friends" aren't actual friends but just acquaintances. The few that do get close end up either leaving or getting discarded since they see what the narcissists is like under the mask. As an introvert, I find it amazing how they can just talk to anyone and be the center of attention for a night. Sometimes a few friendships will come out of it, but they all end the same once they get to know the narcissist.

[@lilylady4778]

It really adds to feeling of injustice when they have treated you so badly yet have all these friends. It takes my breath away how they can be so attractive to so many. They really do know how to be charismatic. Like you said they know how "to work the room" and they know how to do this at work, church, in other circles.

[@mattpunx]

I feel the same. Like they have tons of friends while one being honest has barely a few

[@lalani888blue]

Yes. But when they come home - They are a completely different person...One that their so called friends would never suspect - The games they play behind closed doors...It's absolutely mind bleeping.

[@blessed7927]

True

[@dark7angel456]

I feel similar! I even developed social anxiety and depression and other dysfunctional things because of years of narc abuse of random people but recovering

[@jordanferguson2254]

That's why it's important that people develop their inner worth, self respect, self sufficiency, etc. Because narcs *need* someone to abuse. If they can't get it at home with a partner or family, they will 'have no choice' in a way. Their true, horrible personality will begin to seep into their social/outside life. But people they try to bring into their inner circle absolutely have to have a back bone for this to happen. For now, it seems there will always be a schmuck who falls for them and stays despite the abuse. But I have hope. We're still in the beginning stages of awareness and parents actually doing their job by raising not only good, but vigilant kids.

[@IngaFox]

My narcissist ex came into my friend group, befriended everyone quickly, then threw me to the curb emotionally until I broke up with him. Everyone sided with him because he was so fun to be around and I was emotionally drained and not so fun anymore. These are people I was friends with irl for years but he played the innocent card very carefully. They can have him. They'll eventually find out his true self.

[@ilashankar9031]

@Elliwig Those were 'friends' not worth having anyway. Good they shook themselves off of you! You go on a stronger person! 👍❤️

[@ChocolateAsian9000]

Similar happened to me, but it was me entering her friend group. I also got emotionally drained, left, and feel like they can have her, and I’m sure they’ll see it eventually. I mean my ex would trash talk her own friend’s boyfriend, someone who I liked and had no problem with.

[@yarabia]

this is exactly what they do. Around them, people disappear from us, we become so lonely

[@melssf7451]

I understand all too well what you going through, same boat. And yes you deserve better than these people but gosh it hurts

[@IngaFox]

@@melssf7451 Sorry you went through it too. It's so frustratingly common. I still can't understand why they can't feel bad for their actions. I feel so bad if I accidentally hurt someone's feelings, but they keep doing it over and over like it's a game.

[@carollynnlopez]

I can’t stand surface relationships. The narcissist will ask direct questions of a personal nature to you but not share much of their upbringing with you. Ask a question of them and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy. They take offense very easily and try to make everything about them.

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@FenianPhoenixRises my exes who were narcs were actually pretty close to some siblings, so that can’t be very telling unfortunately. Most had a brother they were close to

[@jennys.214]

Carol Lynn Lopez - This is so spot on. I always wondered why he is so closed-mouthed, yet asks me personal stuff when it’s obvious that he couldn’t care less, adding to my confusion.

[@carollynnlopez]

😂😂😂

[@darynagorska655]

@@Eg-jd9zt that's probably because their siblings are their ENABLERS!

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@darynagorska655 yea probably. I know they seem to always have the enabling mothers. Seems to be a pattern I notice

[@alextownsend6662]

My previous next door neighbor served ten years in prison for killing his wife with three bullets to the head for suspecting her of an affair. On his sixtieth birthday, more than 100 people showed up to celebrate with him. Maybe ten show for my birthday and I’ve never been any trouble to anyone anywhere. Go figure.

[@CodyCole80]

How did he only serve 10 years for 3 shots to the dome??? But yeah, your story proves “birds of a feather, flock together.”

[@trish8399]

@@CodyCole80 It's possibly because he killed (only) one person, maybe good behaviour whilst serving, perhaps served time for a different crime already and so they took time off that sentence for him, maybe paid money, etc... The 'justice' system is horrendously moronic.

[@barbaraburbey7654]

@@CodyCole80 well, he just killed his wife and she doesn't count as human. /S

[@alextownsend6662]

@@CodyCole80 it’s called a “crime of passion” with no premeditation proven.

[@CodyCole80]

@@alextownsend6662 The key word is “suspecting.” Suspecting is not proven evidence that she was, which means this guy flew off the handle because of an assumption without solidified evidence. That’s not like coming home early and finding another guy banging her in his bed. Seems to me like he was a hothead.

[@97indianuk]

Some people are bowled over by superficial charm and cannot see the insidious part that lies beneath. Like Dr. Ramani, super charming people make me feel nervous or uneasy. It’s like there’s nothing human to connect to sometimes.

[@donnawoodford6641]

Humans want to socially fit in, belong, and to gain acceptance. Over time and with observation, the cracks in personality start to become obvious to me, especially in Narcs. Tthey aren't as nice as initially thought. I hesitate to meet and make new acquaintances. It's painful to realize that I have to constantly take measures to protect myself from becomng enmeshed into something that I don't want. It takes time for me to find out who a person really is, but once I identify a "snake", I'm outta there. Being burned too many times, I would rather spend time by myself alone.

[@lizgen4278]

My ex had what seemed like loads of friends. He has self righteous and vulnerable narc traits. I thought it was amazing how many people he could just call up and hang out with. I was in awe as an introverted person. I realise now that I am out of the relationship, that he had no boundaries, was able to invite himself to almost anything, got really passive aggressive when people turned him down. And then when he was with others, he would be all quiet and act like a victim, a martyr, or go and fall asleep in a corner after one drink ... So confusing at the time! Glad I left. So validating. Lots of friends don't mean s#@t. Quality is what matters

[@CodyCole80]

Sounds like he had a lot of associates that just tolerated him sometimes. Doesn’t seem like he had friends with deep bonds.

[@jennymarie4073]

SOOOO true. From one introvert to another i feel this deeply.

[@lizgen4278]

"Associates" is such an on point word to describe what was going on! Yes! So much clarity, thank you

[@theresaflint5855]

Same here…as long as someone will drink and party with him…they are a friend…and omg yes he would invite himself to things and be mad if he couldn’t go. He would also try to get people to let him bring friends because they party better and he thinks he’ll be bored. Ugh

[@issavirgo6079]

Omg sameeee

[@brandonf.8360]

Work and narcissistic people are like scratch and sniff stickers. Once the charming aroma rubs off, it's just an image of them stuck on a surface.

[@yukkimooky3941]

😂😂😂

[@BuckROCKGROIN]

Because there are different kinds of "friends", narcissists are typically adept at manipulation, some people are more vulnerable to manipulation than others, and narcissists target vulnerable people.

[@clarisenagle1]

They also target kindness… I know a gal that worked her ass off, got to the top, a truly powerful impressive woman, and when she was done, she decided to open an animal rescue and give back to those in need. Narcissistic and sociopathic people flock to her, it’s like a walking dsm 5 book in her life.

[@cassiebrown9786]

Narcissist have a good read on people. They gun for dumb people. Just an observation.

[@BuckROCKGROIN]

@@clarisenagle1 kindness is vulnerability, vulnerability has many forms. Narcissists perceive kindness as weakness, and weakness invites aggression.

[@clarisenagle1]

@Bruce Wayne I am in a similar place in my life, I’ve become incredibly selective about who I show true kindness to. But that’s ok, it helped me save my energy, now I’m able to give that energy to those deserving of my love (including myself)

[@clarisenagle1]

@@BuckROCKGROIN I think this woman knows that, I think she had to play the role of narcissist for so long to get to the top, that she just has to be kind. I personally believe that’s the real weakness, the NEED to be kind, not the kindness itself. You can be polite and surface level kind to narcissists and still walk away Unscathed without allowing them to suck you dry. At least I hope that’s true, so far I either get sucked in or run away screaming 😅 hopefully soon I can be somewhere in the middle because narcissists are everywhere

[@cindydee8475]

This makes sense...Narcissists like to keep people around superficially, but even though those interactions aren't real friendships they can still feel good because they are like little pockets of dope hits here and there that the Narc dispenses to keep up the charade

[@thewalkingweirdo8031]

"little pockets of dope hits". Wow! That hit me on a level so deep that I'm staggered by it. That's an absolutely accurate description.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes coming from a narcissistic family I've come to realize that these people project onto you and then they get mad if you won't own their projection

[@cassiebennet4262]

I describe attention from others as dopamine hits to the narcissists ego. What they get out of it is very fleeting. They couldn't care less about those people. They just needed a mirror to show them they're not worthless.

[@hennisincoff502]

As a child of a narcissistic parent I often witnessed how her intellect and Charisma were able to draw people in. As time went by and the mask began to slip, people realized that she wasn't their friend. She used her love to make them weak and her intellect to make them feel stupid. People began to leave and now I am the last man standing to be her punching bag and narcissistic Supply. I now know what I'm dealing with but this continues to wear me out to the point of exhaustion. My focus is out of whack & my friends & family are worried about me. I feel like a shell of my former self, but I continue to move slowly foward armed with knowledge & tools to help heal through this insidious abuse. Thank you Dr. Ramani for understanding & validating me. 💔🌻

[@CodyCole80]

“She used her love?” Narcs don’t have love. I don’t understand what you mean. Please explain.

[@CodyCole80]

Also, read *2 TIMOTHY 3.* You may have to put certain boundaries on the relationship. I would never tell anyone to completely cut off a parent because the Bible says we are to honor/respect them. *BUT…* No one, not even a parent, should be able to drain your energy to that extent. It will eventually take a toll on your health and that could turn fatal.

[@sagebay2803]

My Mom is exactly like this. It is awful being a child of Narcs. They just use people and will never change. I had to go no-contact for my own mental health. Keep working on yourself. They only get worse as they age. You got this.

[@cindydee8475]

@@CodyCole80 I could be wrong but I think she's referring to trauma-bonding where love and relationship is utilized to keep victim in the trauma cycle

[@cindydee8475]

So sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time. I have found that one of the biggest tools we can start arming ourselves with is learning to listen and love oneself enough to honor and advocate for one's own right to be happy, whole, and at peace

[@krystalMtn]

The covert I was married too actually didn't know that there were differences between people you've met a few times, people you work with, and people you've known for several years. He thought they were all his friends, all on the same level. He also didn't understand that there's a difference between knowing someone's name vs knowing them as a person. He often expected that I should have been willing to leave our young children with the parents of their friends. Never understanding that just because you meet someone, or they have children of their own doesn't automatically mean you know them well enough to leave your children with them for long weekend stays.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

really good point. leaving children with the narcs superficial friends parents, does not fly. awesome post krystal

[@inesscrivo4036]

mine too! he'd say he had tons and tons of friends, he said he had at least 200 friends (which isnt humanly possible) later on i found out he'd label as "friends" people he had literally talked with just a few times or colleagues at work. by that logic i'd have hundreds of friends too! XD

[@steecie3045]

@@inesscrivo4036 Same experience with my narcissist as well. His life is a revolving door of women and "friends". It took a bit to catch on to the pattern and to see how he interacted with others. But once we figured it out it was obvious.

[@lifecoachmary]

I had a discussion with a narc in my life. To his understanding, everyone is a friend but on a scale. I explained that though I was neighborly with my neighbour, I would not term the relationship friendship. He was mad about my opinion but I told him that is the way I see it and maintained that. Now I understand further why they have 'lots of friend'. He just met a new neighbor and he is already addressing him as his friend. Such a high level.of superficiality. I prefer to have few friends who we can really be deep in conversation about different areas of life with.

[@denawagner360]

@krystal Mt. Was it at the point where you let your kids stay with ppl you didn't know or feel comfortable with to placate him or were you able to stick to your parental standards? If so, were there ongoing repurcussions every time this came up? Were there ever times they refused to let yr kids stay somewhere that you knew was safe but your partner's opinion forced you to cancel on good people who could have been a good support system for you and it caused problems with them later on? Parenting with a narcissist is a mindfuck and so sad that the kids are rarely the real reason any safety decision is enforced. Hope things have gotten better for your kids & you.

[@barbaravaupel3950]

I always wondered why he didn't appeal to me. He was handsome, charming, and accomplished. Concert tickets, plays, parties and sporting events were fun experiences. The love bombing included beautiful roses. He was romantic. As I matured, I realized that what was missing was the depth. He wasn't able to be there for other people. His marriage failed. His children were train wrecks. His career was a success; he was empty. It was Providence that on some level I recognized his superficiality and found a man who had all his best qualities and more!

[@jordanferguson2254]

You're a smart one, and being genuine and wholesome obviously helped too, so good for you! It must have been trippy to see what life could have been 💀, but glad you found an actual human being 😌👍🍀

[@goldbrick2563]

Why were you interested in a married man?

[@Jess-kn8vl]

When I realized why this is, I actually felt more free to cut them all off instead of explaining myself and worrying about their opinions. If people dont understand narcissism, right from wrong, personal awareness and responsibility then I no longer have room for it. It sounds cold from my end, but It literally made me mentally and physically ill to be around this. Its a personality conflict, thats ok and a you do you thing.

[@Ailieorz]

They're not friends, they're enablers. I've been watching a group for a few years, there's a narc right at the centre and they all absolutely adore her. She gets away with everything and you can often just see everyone go "well it's just easier to keep her happy" which is just a massive red flag none of them seem to have picked up. I'm kinda waiting for the day it all falls apart, the fallout will be massive. (yes I know that's not necessarily nice and will be terrible for those involved)

[@michaelwalker1798]

I’m experiencing the same thing currently with my wife . Once I realized it, I closed ranks immediately and I kept my interactions short with her friends . They tried to press me, but I held my line. I’m not socially obligated to talk to people who make my life miserable. Since then, they left me alone. She like to bring them up in conversations,but I give her the yup reply. Gtfoh.

[@michaelwalker1798]

Their enablers and even made me the bad guy in my relationship. Which is why I’m moving on or it will never stop. Life’s too short for this crap.

[@steecie3045]

The narcissist in my life has "surface" friends. He is friends with those that support his Social Media Persona that he has met at a concert or bar once. He collects Social Media friends through limited contact. He floats from friend to friend and no one really knows how he is but what he projects. As soon as someone gets close enough to question him they're gone. We as a family tried for years but had to just go no contact because he was in a spiral and was weaponozing everything he knew about us. He tried to split my family up (myself, husband and 2 adult children) and turn us against one another. Funny enough, we come from very toxic families and recognize the signs and agreed as a family to go no contact.

[@TheCyberMantis]

You nailed it.

[@________1516]

That’s intense!

[@steecie3045]

@@FancyForestPerson We refer to it as "Main Character Syndrome". He is always the star and we are just his support cast. Where in most relationships you take turns being the support cast with a narcissist you are ALWAYS the support cast and they literally never are. It's exhausting.

[@steecie3045]

@@________1516 It was very intense. Very. Since they think they are always right they will seldom come looking for you. To him, we are the a##holes.

[@TheCyberMantis]

@@steecie3045 Which is why you just have to get away from them. They will drain you if you let them. You have the power. But you have to use your power and get away from them. Remove them from your life.

[@TheMiloRez]

Spot on once again. I realized that my narc sister doesn't even have any friends. She has two types of 'friends'; 1. People she secretly admires because they are better off, but they don't necessarily consider her a friend. and, 2. People who are 'inferior' to her so she can portray a powerful, knowledgeable and superior image. Eventually, people in that second group would realize that she's toxic and leave. The result is simple, no friends, loneliness and depression. What a sad life to live...

[@katarina9983]

@Milo Rez This is so interesting. My mother doesn't fit this either and your comment made me think on it. There are times, usually in the beginning, where she adores someone, most often because they're successful in some way. She puts them on a pedestal and talks about them as they are super human. Then if she learns they're "just" doing human stuff she sounds almost disgusted. She did this with one of my friends, how amazing she was for being a judge. Then when I clarified that she is a lawyer my mother said "oh, she's just a lawyer?". I've observed this a lot through the years. The people who are nice to her and she gets to know, she criticizes a lot. What they wear, how they act, that they are not her crowd (not sure who is). Thanks for this comment, it got me thinking.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

@@katarina9983 my mom does this often too. She will brag and idealize someone. She will stalk their social medias and boy if they like or say something she doesnt agree with she will trash them behind their back. Her quote "ugh that person needs so much self validation, everything is about themselves". Its the same thing over and over. Its the same people she will compare me to in the beginning whether its their looks, jobs, hobbies or whatever to seemingly make me jealous. I dont get jealous because I know she will turn on them too. Its crazy.

[@taraarrington2285]

The Narcissist I know have to have lots of powerful friends are people like connections because they are all about like the image and climbing the social ladder and like superficiality I really think the realest people are the ones with few friends

[@susiesalome]

I remember listening to my narcissistic boss bad mouth her “best friend” and I couldn’t believe that somebody had voluntarily chosen to spend time with her.

[@elipotter369]

Probably not really friends. My narcissist ex friend had extremely superficial friendships and no one really, except a lapdog unemployed boyfriend. She made a big deal of being admired by a woman she'd met on her walks, as if it was some significant relationship.

[@tisaac8037]

So true: narcissism is often rewarded in the workplace. That's the reason narcissists have no incentive to become decent people.

[@linneasimchah1621]

Yes. Narcs are superstars in business. It reminds me of the 1992 movie "A Few Good Men" when Jack Nicholson is on the stand saying "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. You want me on that wall. You need me on that wall." Narcs really are some of the most capable talented people on the planet. Many things would not move forward without them at the helm. But this kind of super-talent also is breeding ground for arrogance. They get away with all their crap b/c they bring so much to the table.

[@virgomoon1168]

Every friend he had was a friend of convenience. He was a self employed carpenter who hired his “friends” and would hang out and drink with them. But once they were gone, he would talk so much crap about them and on the job site he would verbally abuse them. At the end his best friend stopped talking to him. His cousin moved out and left him. And then I left after his aunt told me at a funeral he was talking crap about ME to the family, which he would later admit to. I would suspect two years later he’s prolly alienated everyone around him. That’s the karma narcs get…everyone eventually leaves.

[@Debater_the_Curator]

Was your ex Scorpio?

[@virgomoon1168]

@@Debater_the_Curator nope, worse…a June Gemini. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde type. One way to your face another behind the back. Not just to me but everyone in his life 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@sarag1158]

We may have been with the same person 😂

[@sarag1158]

All the way down to the self-employed Carpenter with a rage problem. Dead on.

[@virgomoon1168]

@@sarag1158 was his name Chris Day?

[@mantsukinohana2353]

This is spot on! All the narcissists I've had to deal with are actually skilled socialites, have lots of friends and have a very influential social network in their personal and professional lives (power loves power). So I would be very impressed and drawn to their abilities and popularity because I used to be very, very insecure about having too little friends or appearing like a loner. I even felt ashamed that my spouse lacked any close friends too! I used to feel deep shame if I didn't have a full calendar or weekend of outings or having my phone ring constantly in my teens and 20s. Now I'm a total homebody and love using my ample free time how ever I want to and no one needs to know how I spend my free time. Narcissists are also nosey and feel entitled to your personal information and details about you, and because I lacked boundaries and I would just tell them anything they wanted to know about me. I had no idea I was allowed to keep my personal life details to myself - like how many friends I have, what I do with friends, or what I do during my spare time. Those seem like innocent topics, but narcissists have maliciously taken advantage of me by revealing such information. I am much happier now that I'm committed to following my own rhythm and know that I don't have to reveal any information about myself for the comfort of others.

[@anythingflows7381]

I was like that too! I was an open book, and not answering someone's question about me was not even an option. That has been the biggest gift of learning about narcissistic abuse-- learning that i don't have to answer if i don't feel comfortable with the question.

[@mantsukinohana2353]

@@anythingflows7381 Yes - well said! I think I became an open book due to growing up being surrounded by caregivers, and then friends, who demanded I tell them everything. I somehow felt in order to be liked, accepted, "be nice" I had to be honest and an open book to appease them. Amazing how these ingrained habits last years. I only became consciously aware of these things in the past year or so thanks to listening to Dr Ramani daily!

[@tophus5583]

An intelligent person once said: "The less friends you have, the more experience in life you gained." Something like that, anyway.

[@tracydean3678]

Same here. I wish I had the words to express. I still feel so beat up by these narcs.

[@R.Omar82]

Friendship with a narcissist is like carrying a time bomb, you'll never know when it's gonna go BANG 💣 . Oh, the narcissist usually gets you to carry it around btw, so they're safe,, and they won't mourn the death of the friendship because it was never a friendship from their POV 🤔

[@thinkmirror8507]

That’s how I felt exhausted I left my BFF narc 👯‍♂️ it hurt like hell but best thing I’ve ever done!

[@michaelgoldberg7403]

It is exhausting. Like Dr R says, best thing you can do is walk away or be ejected. And count your lucky stars!!!

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ...

[@carolyntu367]

This is incredibly puzzling to me that narcissistic friends are literally two faced. Learned it that they are a waste of time and energy. Find honest and real friends is where it’s at and find your tribe.

[@dannymcclure2891]

They are so visual , it's all about their outside image

[@Joelswinger34]

I was "friends" with a narcissist for a long time. I was afraid of being alone and not having friends. I also thought all his rudeness was because he had ADHD. I finally realized he was just rude and thoughtless. And very superficial. You just described him peefectly. He lied all the time, even about stupid,inconsequential things.

[@vacationeyes6430]

This is what surprises me every time. How do Narcissists have friends? Those friends are probably low-key Narcissists themselves or opportunists who want favors from them.

[@josieh1163]

All the narcissists I worked with were very well hated by everybody. Nobody hanged out or had lunch with them. Nobody wanted to work with them. The narcissist thought they had everybody fooled. Actually everybody figured them out and wanted nothing to do with them.

[@forsakenjones4695]

I was bullied for 2 yrs by a Narc, I saw all the flags and watched my back, she triangulated coworkers, was dismissive toward float pool workers who came in temporarily, they were always mad when the shift was over. She was charming and engaging with people and patients. She turned on me when I refused to disrespect my other coworkers by dumping them with more work on the sly. And when I picked up shifts over her because I had more seniority. She lied by omission. she made fun of patients when she thought no one was watching, But I caught her that way because I wrote everything down and made sure I had witnesses even though at the time they didn't know they were going to be a witness . Most people knew about her but NOBODY complained about her to the Boss. I don't know if they were scared or they knew that nothing would come of it. It's so hard when your bullied at work or School, etc. Because these bullies have friends! Her buddy at work turned on me and tried to bully me too ,he stuck his nose where it didn't belong and he used to be a nice guy...She was extrovert and I introvert with Autistic tendencies , in other words I don't have friends...I couldn't be one step ahead of her because I had a conscience and knew right from wrong. She manipulated float pool staff in order for me to get a short break or do more work. She rarely called in sick. My Boss spoke to the bullies but they kept being bullies and never listened to the Boss. So I took it to HR. I finally got justice a year ago. They sent her to work at the Psychiatric Ward! And him changed to another time rotation . I wonder how long the Nurses at Psyche figure her out .These youtube infos on Narcissism saved my sanity. If anyone here is being bullied at work do not give up!

[@TruthBeTold0914]

What's one of the most difficult things about this is being the scapegoat/the supply and being the only one who sees the truth under the mask. It's extremely lonely and terrifying.

[@themaggattack]

It all boils down to *threats and bribes.* My mother either has dirt on everyone, or has done something for which they are eternally indebted to her. Or both. She does go deep, though. That's the scary part. She digs for their deepest insecurities and _selectively_ shares her insecurities with them. She goes from being the bully to being the victim seamlessly. She's really good at fabricating empathy for her friends and eliciting their sympathy for herself. That's how she gets 'em. Then she keeps them with threats and bribes. _You wouldn't want me to reveal your secret shame, would you?_ _Oh, I was there for you in your darkest hour, I gave you your step up, I saved your life. You need me. You'd be nothing without me._ Sometimes she can imply these things without saying it outright. She's vulnerable when it serves her and grandiose when she can get away with it. She's communal, self righteous, malignant and more. But she's everyone's good friend.

[@Srsrsrst]

I know a lady like this; I thought she was a friend. I figured out what she was thanks to Dr. Ramani. I'm still healing from this, and deeply regret trusting her.

[@mariaabada9176]

She's scary because its so devious and sickeningly twisted. Unsafe human.

[@clairedelune6482]

I know a person like this and I broke off contact

[@modernanimist2421]

100% this is so important.

[@jwm4ever]

YES!! There are narcs exactly 💯 percent like this too. They come in many different sizes. They are all fully aware and evil

[@recolopa5972]

I was in a narc relationship for 5 years and I had no clue that I have been attracting Narcissists in all areas of my lives. soon after I was discarded (Thanks to God for that and Dr. Ramani for showing it was never my fault) I started seeing patterns I shouldn't have. Now I am protecting myself, setting boundaries and they find me hard person to deal with. Good thing I know what they are doing and I am becoming as boring as possible when they are around. no supply for them at all

[@taraarrington2285]

❤

[@jake90009]

They have sheep, not friends

[@joeybabybaby5843]

Grandiose narcissists, in my observations, seem to go about "friendships" like military tactics, carefully and deliberately limiting peoples' exposure to them. They show people only their charming best, and only for a strategically limited amount of time, leaving them wanting more, knowing full well that more than such very brief interaction would begin to expose their own "dark side". ( They're like stereotypical used-car salespeople.)

[@Heather-xz8fk]

I think we get sucked in. I know I did. I am not sure my narc friend really does have friends now. She has people she socializes with. But real friends? I am not sure. She uses people. I don’t care that much anymore. I’m glad to be out of it and committed to better boundaries for myself.

[@---_277]

People who are worth their salt, know, who is who.. In the environment I worked in, the good people knew exactly who was who. The quiet majority are all knowledgeable.

[@truthh8597]

Unfortunately nobody stands up for the person they are targeting or victimising

[@---_277]

@@truthh8597 I would agree not many people do, but certainly some do. I had witnesses prepared to stand in court for me. Four people Inc. Me were also standing against a vicious boss. So it happens for sure.

[@truthh8597]

@@---_277 i’m so happy to hear this that someplace got justice But where I was the president and vp were both snakey women and were very fake nice to everyone except the women they did targeted harassment on

[@hissyfitz7890]

They have transactional friends - ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’.

[@lewskaanen812]

"Why does this narcissist have lots of friends and does great at their job despite being short tempered and emotionally unavailable to me??" Same reason a Pro Bowl NFL linebacker with three Super Bowl rings might not be able to shoot below 120 on a golf course. Football and golf are both sports, but totally different. Being a good time buddy is totally different than actually "being" with somebody. We have a covert/vulnerable at work who loves to kiss up to anybody who comes to work there just to gauge how much sympathy she can milk from them. If she can get an APB (Awww Poor Baby) she'll take it. And if she can get you to pitch in and "help" do half her job for her (the parts she feels are beneath her) so much the better. She''s the reason I started watching this channel. I thought a "narcissist" was just some flaky guy fascinated by his reflection in a pond. I had no idea there was soooo much more to it :)

[@cassiebennet4262]

Dealing with a psychopath at work made me do a deep dive into narcissism. I sudden realized I've been dealing with thees types all my life only they weren't end spectrum like my coworker.

[@KingRandor82]

One thing most folks miss--and it's part of why modern society seems so toxic to so many, as you have stated in a previous video--modern socializing (for about the good past century or so) is based on a *very* surface-level appreciation. We've been taught to focus on the glitz & glamour, rather than the actual substance. I love when people say "I love this or that celebrity"; no...you love their *performance* ; you don't anything about *them* ....and ya probably wouldn't want to. When a level of socializing discourse is so surface-level and shallow, it's basically a buffet for narcissists and psychopaths, and it's all about distractions to keep people from genuinely learning who we are individually, and who other people are. It's why you hear people basically spend an afternoon quoting movie lines or something, while doing something; that's how we've been taught to relate to each other, and no, it is not healthy.

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ ◦◦

[@gentlestbigfoot]

We moved to a small town where everyone knows each other. Moved to a lake which is commonly used for recreational activities all summer long. Our neighbor is a grandiose narcissist, they would go on about how they know everyone on the lake, cut them off a year ago after an incident. It's really interesting watching it all unfold, I'm an introvert and will just sit on my deck and watch the boats, the amount of people who avoid them is eye opening. My husband goes to the local bar, he's a friendly guy, when people hear where we live, they start talking about our neighbors, no one likes them at all, and have similar stories. For months after our incident I had thought that maybe we overreacted.

[@steecie3045]

I think introverts are the narcissists worst enemy. We are very content to just sit, watch and ponder while they are always too busy spinning their webs to notice us putting all the pieces together.

[@chaoswitch1974]

@@steecie3045 not necessarily. Covert narcissists are introverted.

[@terrapintravels3829]

His friends, male and female were huge in our marriage. He did all kinds of things for his friends, concert tickets, handyman jobs, mechanic repairs, paid for meals out, cash, and so on. Some provided him with drugs I found out later, a few were on disability. He often raged and accused me of not liking his friends. I began to figure out he enjoyed the kudos he got from these friends.

[@ericakauffman5786]

You always get me thinking, in a good way. At my age (55) I look back at how hurt I have been by one-sided friendships and have always thought I was the problem. Even now, I have people who call only when they need something. I am shrinking my world by not taking these calls anymore because I feel so drained. But am I a narcissist magnet?

[@judithvallembois2744]

My opinion is you are absolutely correct not to take their calls. You said it is draining, I agree with that too. It is exhausting. The remainder of my day would just be spent resting. You seem like a very kind person and could be a narcissist magnet. Two of my best changes lately involved totally removing myself from one relationship and only saying enough to be polite to another one. Once you catch on to what they are doing you are empowered not to put up with it. Best wishes! Oh please read the next comment by Michael Goldberg. Excellent advice there especially toward the end.

[@imapandaperson]

Oh yea. Narcissistic mom has a huge network, based on performative activism etc, but very few have truly seen her mask off. She will help out friends with cancer (as long as everyone knows how helpful she was), be a listening ear to people who are hurting (and then shit talk them and their problems to others behind their back), etc. So nice to people who AREN'T her children. Her "close," long term friends think they really know the Narcissistic person but they don't ---- they know the mask and enough peeks to just the sympathetic parts behind the mask so they feel like they are close friends, but they have no clue into that person's deeply abusive, vindictive patterns. I mistook my mother's curated public persona as evidence she was a good person and could change and that kept me in for a long time. Tahani from the Good Place in public, Mother Gothel behind closed doors to her scapegoat.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

A lot of your mother in the Christian church

[@katarina9983]

@imapandaperson This is so similar to my mother. She's so nice calling her narcissistic mother several times/day (a grandmother who has abused all of us), she cooks food for her neighbours and drives them here and there. So nice. Then bad mouths them that they did repay the favour or didn't repay the favour, gave her the wrong gift, were ungrateful and on and on. I've had the front seat to all of this. I find it so interesting that she is so open about this. That she isn't embarrassed, because if she talks badly to me about her sister or niece, she probably talks to them about me too (or she might be too embarrassed to talk to them about my "failures" because it reflects negatively on her). She's very sneaky because she isn't critical or mean to my face, but has a special talent to insult me without saying it directly. I've lived 40 years buying into her narrative of being nice, tolerant and that I had a great childhood. I'm just discovering so much of it isn't true. It's like seeing a movie again 40 years later realizing it's not a fairy tale, but a drama thriller.

[@DrHen-xd3rv]

I wish I can like this comment 1 million times. You explained my mother to the T. I’m transitioning to no contact with my mom but unfortunately I have a sick grandfather and of course she’s milking the situation. Having family feel bad for her to watch him while she goes out of town to parties and all me if she’s wrong when deep down she knows she is. SMH. Hate to say out but she’s not a good person and does exactly everything you stated

[@misse7154]

I've noticed that narcissists overplay the closeness of the relationship. I've had relationships with two narcissists and the people I thought they were close with were at some point discarded or they discontinued the relationship with the narcissist. They are good at making friends, but not at keeping them.

[@Bahbahlatje]

I always wondered why my narcissistic ex was so good to his friends and not good to me and our children.

[@jandmvideos9051]

I am an introvert and I was amazed at how my ex could charm anyone he came in contact with. I learned too late that he was also good at turning most of those people against me. When he finally left, he lied to everyone about me. Only the friends I had before I met him, my relatives and coworkers could see through him. Much later after the breakup, some began to question the things he had said about me, but by then I had moved on and no longer cared.

[@AnupmaJ]

My former boss was a grandiose narcissist.. Liked to create the image of being popular and indispensable. He made the company's culture quite toxic and it was an unwritten rule - "your absolute loyalty to me will determine how long will you stay and how upward you'll move." So either people did his bidding and were nasty towards me or they kept their distance fearing that any proximity to me will cause the narcissist to come after them. That left me friendless. It was highly baffling for me to notice that people were not able to comprehend and grasp his truth, that he got away with pathological lies, that he was dangerous and could go to any damn extend to cause harm and yet people supported him!!

[@elipotter369]

I worked with someone who charmed well over half the people in the office, the rest were immune. She was playing games and destroyed my relationships with some colleagues. When she left it was like a spell lifted. In your situation, all the people who didn't like his style would've left, leaving only yes people. For your own mental health, there is nothing you can do to change the company, you're best off leaving for a different company.

[@JoyFay]

And these abusers shame their victims for being to afraid to make friends.

[@aparsons6495]

I have asked myself this a thousand times.

[@teddyber6337]

Co dependency in shared toxicity most went down this road without aknowlegment a priori and are trapped these one can redress for the others but sometime lack of courage or hierarchical blockage or other circonstances are in the path , the other nurtur and nourish their low level flaws willingly without any remorse or shame, and you have also many many healthy ones not to be confuse... Bad drug abuse can also exacerbate some of those traits so you can trace them aglutinated around problematic sources

[@viixy364]

My ex-wife's "friends" were a constantly changing group of people, nothing more than flying monkeys. What amazed me was the sheer speed that someone could become her new BFF :D

[@ipekseda3087]

My narc sister always had "losers" around her: people who weren't successful in work or relationships so she could feel better because she had a good job and a handsome husband. It was really important for her to only date very handsome men.

[@elipotter369]

I've come across that too, though I try not to use the word loser...one friend's only genuine significant person was her middle aged, unwell, unemployed, anxiety ridden, not coping with life, socially inept "boyfriend". And another friend had surrounded herself with a circle of women from church who treated her like a queen bee - I noticed all the friends had a weakness that made them vulnerable. I came to realise she saw me in the same way, but in reality I wasn't as weak as what she thought and I terminated the friendship as she was wasting my time and it felt weird - subtle things that were probably put downs and a distancing, and a feeling she was in control & patronising, trying to keep me weak and off balance - it was super subtle though, & I might not have realised how off it was until I met her friendship circle and thought: okay they've all got weaknesses and are vulnerable, why is she friends with me?!

[@Snow-fy5wv]

From my experience i found that they usually have friends because they get to know their close friends very deeply they met them and talk to them like a 9 to 5 job to find out their secrets once they know their secrets now these ppl are forced to be friends with them no one truly wants to be friends with a narcist they arw forced into it by manipulation and they often dont even know it as they are so good at acting.

[@CodyCole80]

This is why I believe in only talking to YAH about personal issues. If not him, I’m taking it to my grave.

[@ChannelZero1031]

I just had a weird idea. I imagined a Narcissist as a Styrofoam cup with tiny little holes all over it. That any liquid will eventually seep out and leave the cup..."Empty". Each individual hole in the cup has a word above it: Shame. Insecurity. Embarrassment. Dependent. Hunger (for validation), and the rest of the holes would be any other shortcoming the Narcissist might be repressing. So, when the Narc goes around provoking, or getting attention both good and bad, he is filling his cup to the top. Sadly, and slowly, each unaddressed shortcoming he has will cause the same "validating liquid" to spill out and cause his cup or "sense of Self" to become empty again. Hence why they say Narcs struggle with a sense of emptiness.

[@Molly-eq1ix]

My husband seemed to be loved at work. When he retired however there were no friends to be found. After he passed away, I saw very few of his "friends" at the memorial service, just the people from the church who knew him. This episode helped me figure out this issue. Thanks!

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ ...

[@renzenker2526]

They don't tell their friends what they do to you!!!! I talled to my EXs "best friend," and he knew NOTHING of what my EX had done to me!!!

[@ari-jv]

They only want to be your friend if they can use you or if they can bring you down and sabotage you

[@greatgownsbeautifulgowns]

🧐I've been really paying attention and I think I've got it figured out(well at least with my own situation): What I've noticed about my narc mother who has friends, is that she finds people she can relate to and then they bond over shared things like having financial problems, being a single parent, having certain things go wrong for them. That comes into play because when she goes to trash talk me behind my back they all feel so sorry for her because they can relate to her. When I asked her why she talked to me so nasty, her excuse is basically that I deserve it-- YET, when I tell her that I've witnessed her friends do the same things (or worse) that she claims *I* did to deserve being spoken to like that and how she doesn't speak to them how she speaks to me, then I got told "Because they don't live with me". NOPE! She doesn't speak to them the way she speaks to me because if she showed her true self and the side that *I* get to see all the time, then they won't feel so sorry for her when she talks to them about how "horrible" I am and about other things that have gone wrong for her in her life.

[@patriciafry8634]

Must you live with her?

[@greatgownsbeautifulgowns]

@@patriciafry8634 Unfortunately, yes but I'm working on changing that. The way she has literally stolen from me several times and hidden money that was supposed to go to me has put me in the position that I am in now.

[@jwm4ever]

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this with your own mother. It's always most difficult when it's a family member. Just know the demented mind of hers does not define who you really are. Keep close to God Almighty and read His Word in the King James Holy Bible for guidance peace wisdom and Discernment. It will help you thru everything 🙏

[@maggiepie8810]

Some narcissists mostly show their true colours whenever there's a sexual attraction/romantic feelings involved. I think this is also partly where (straight) men who don't realise how their friends might be treating women is coming from. He's such a nice guy, he'd never do anything to a woman. No, he would, you're just not seeing it.

[@Eg-jd9zt]

I agree. Being friends with a narc and dating them are 2 very different things. They don’t see the gaslighting and abuse that goes on behind the scenes bc they want to play the victim when it doesn’t work out. “I did all I could and I was never good enough for her”, then the “forget her, you deserve better” comments come in. Little do they know the truth

[@lamentate07]

I'd agree that their worst personality traits are more pronounced when there are romantic feelings involved, mostly because they cannot regulate their emotions properly, but there are always signs. I recent got entangled in a situation with a woman who I strongly suspect has NPD. It really blindsided me because on the surface she seemed like a very 'classy' and sensitive woman. Deep down, she is a cowardly monster who put me through hell, but she did it 'covertly', so an outsider who didn't know what to look for would think I was exaggerating until they saw how persistent she was, especially after I 'discarded' her. I'm a little wary of your 'nice guy' example though. Seems to be this obvious trend of women in the Anglosphere being overly suspicious of 'nice men' to justify their lack of attraction or interest in them, but I agree that some 'nice men' are complete frauds. Narcissistic men tend to not be 'nice guy' types though. Female narcissists also play more deadly mind games, although they are less likely to get physically violent.

[@lamentate07]

@@Eg-jd9zt It doesn't show up as much with friends because they are more transactional in that area.

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@lamentate07 true they are very surface level too. Very little authenticity in those relationships

[@keywestfan2503]

They surround themselves with people they deem affluent or ones who will make their status look more impressive.

[@synneazaro]

I just remember I had a coffee with my narcissistic childhood friend. When a new friend joined, she became all lit. Articulate! Joked! Talked about flattering memories (for her) and embarrassing memories (mine)... When this new friend went to the toilet, it was as she collapsed... the light just went of... and she muttered something about what we had talked about just before this person joined us. something that I was comforting her about... incredible that I did not understand what this was back then... But It was like a light switch....an act... just realized it now. Thank you

[@nancyzehr3679]

I have seen them together. It's an ego circle jerk! My family does this. 'You are soooo talented', but they dont know what I do, or ever ask.

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ...

[@Eg-jd9zt]

Ego circle jerk 😂

[@JAMQWERT]

This is my mother (and younger sister) 100%. Lots of "friends" who are all convenient, short interaction, without real depth (talk about superfluous things, kids, projects, husband complaining etc.) very outgoing and generous to everyone, buying lots of gifts for everyone, with the intent of having the image of a depth to the generosity when there isn't any. It used to Rub me the wrong way growing up, that my mother seemed to be more interested in giving, to get the recognition of the gift then to actually help said receiver. She liked gathering as much info about things and people as possible to give the impression she actually cared, but it was all just a repertoire of deceit, because whenever I tried to delve deeper into the emotional background of things (the reason for helping people) she would get bored, change the subject and be dismissive or reiterate she already gave x amount, implying her generosity so she didn't want to hear anything more. She used her money to buy the impression of emotional depth, she lacked. Most people are fooled my her grand performance, but I am very empathetic, so see the lack of depth and the hurting and resentful child that lies beneath the façade. I don't call her out on it, as that wouldn't serve any purpose. It's not my job to point out people's own failings, that is up to them to discover in themselves, as I only can change things in myself, but I find it very hard to be a witness to her behaviour (I feel cringey all the time when speaking to her) and I almost never interact with her these days as it is so interwoven into her personality, I can't 'NOT' see it any more.

[@anomally9742]

My step father would charm everyone at the party, talking about how great his life was and how much he ‘loved’ us kids. Truth was, he couldn’t tell my twin sisters apart and he never bonded with any of us. He ignored us for the most part lol which is probably for the best. But it always made me sick to see how fake he was, and how people who didn’t know him believed al his bullshit.

[@barefootarts737]

I realized this too. When friends of my ex basically all said in so many words... 'I really don't know her that well'. Thats when I dawned on me that beyond the surface, there was nothing to actually know.

[@kyki8512]

One thing that I have learned about narcissist is that they have a way of making their so called friends feel like they are better off being on their good side than being on their bad side! They reward them when they feed their ego and they ignore them, and purposely treat someone else like gold in front of them, when they don't feed their ego! Anybody who remains an acquaintance of a narcissist are catering to their narcissistic ego needs, whether they know it or not!

[@justines1919]

They don’t abuse their friends because that wouldn’t serve them. They are well loved by most, that is their cover to be an abuser. No one will believe you and they use that to say “everyone likes me, you’re the only one” because you are.

[@mikasablackerman6776]

I was abused by my narcissistic friend. You get caught in the cycle of abuse. I was able to get out but she still has a bunch of friends and flying monkeys that don’t believe they are abusive

[@dannymcclure2891]

You nail it every time , describing the cunning characteristics of the narcissist

[@michellefurno4458]

As a result of my abuse, I became engaged to a covert narcissist. He did his own brand of issues. My official diagnosis is bipolar I and CPTSD. I became suicidal with extreme bouts of anxiety and trauma amnesia. I had no idea WHY I was traumatized until I was 40 years old. Personal relationships were very difficult to maintain. However, I can spot a covert narcissist from 20 paces. Your body language, word usage and what you don't say tell me everything. I call it "reading between the lies".

[@yasminenasser-rafi3696]

In that self deception, with all those friends, when they go to bed at night, they feel so alone. They always feel alone, because they know what they are, shallow and empty.

[@Ale-kp2fh]

They have friends untill people see them how they really are

[@Jdtych]

That is not true, it’s a lot of people kinda narcissistic they obviously can be friends with each other.

[@wendyhills5362]

My former npd 'best friend' used to say that she has a lot of friends, but she never mentioned any names nor did I see any pictures of met them during parties. Im happy that she discarded me. I was once hoovered back by her but thanks to you Dr Ramani, i am realizing more and more that this discard is a blessing. Thank you so much for talking about NPD friendships. There is unfortunately not much info about particular topic😘

[@lizgen4278]

So true that they never mention any names!!! It's like they want to keep you guessing at their mysterious life to keep you hooked and impressed... They don't want you to know anyone they do, or you might just take them away to be your friend instead ;)

[@AlastairjCarruthers]

Oh wow. So, so accurate, yet again. My narc seemed to have a huge social circle and masses of friends. She was exceptionally gregarious and charming and very talented at expanding that circle. One time I brought this up in conversation though, how I only had a very small number of close friends whereas she seemed to have dozens, and she was actually surprised that I thought that, and was remarkably honest about the reality - that yes, she did have scores of superficial "party" friends, but in fact she had no "real" friends at all. Not one. Apparently the only people she really trusted, confided in and thought would have her back in a crisis were me (her partner), and her mother. After that conversation I began seeing how true this really was. The many, many people she knew were indeed only ever on the scene very infrequently, typically when there was a party going on. She didn't have any ongoing relationships with any of them, they just occasionally arranged to dance, drink and do drugs together, and then they all went their separate ways afterwards. She was also perfectly charming at work and many people enjoyed her company, but I came to notice that just as many people (perhaps more) couldn't stand her and didn't want anything to do with her. It's strange how I hadn't noticed this before.

[@nani.9754]

My narc x told me a few years ago that he was street smart. When I asked for an example he told me he knew how to play people and make them think they were friends and he could get what ever he wanted and needed from them. I noticed that: Those friends of his never lasted more than a year or so. Usually ending in a blow up rage. My dad was much different narc. He was Mr. Charming. He had many many friends. I feel like he was the opposite of my x. He would give the shirt off his back and be the savior to his buddies. They could call on him for any thing and every thing. At home he would rage and spew about his friends needs that day. And when he would go to help them, those friends had no clue what my dad had said about them befor going there for what ever the reason was. He would flip a switch and Mr charming would be right back. My father's friends were almost life long My dad and my x never met. My father passed away about three years befor I met my x . He was 49

[@TheBakingGirlShow]

Your dad could of been Borderline - they’re charming and way nicer than narcissists

[@jwm4ever]

Your dad was like my e husband. Could flip that switch on and off in a Blink of an Eye. Has tins of life long friends but talks behind their backs. Charms people he knows has something to offer,but can coldly snub others he feels have nothing to offer. It's disgusting. And ALWAYS treated everyone outside our home better than me and our Children. They can fool those friends

[@nani.9754]

Eva you may be correct but narcissistic none the less. I can't write every thing here but let's just say he spent more time in front of a mirror with a comb than any of the females in the house.we were even afraid to eat dinner in his view because somreones dinner would end up on a wall. Xmas Eve he through our tree out the door into these snow bank ,(fully decorated)three years in a row. I still can't here Christmas music with out having full blown anxiety attacks. I think it would have been interesting to have had him clinically diagnosed... Who knows what would have come out of it.

[@nani.9754]

@@jwm4ever yes exactly right. People used to say I was so lucky to have him as a dad/ or brother. So many of my friends thought he was my older brother and he ate that up. My x husband treated me worse than my father. He actually split our apartment in 1/2 me on one side, he on the other and God forbid we needed the rest room. All because I found out he wasn't at work when he was supposed to be there and asked him about it. Phhh. I'm done with relationships. Have been done for some time now.

[@jwm4ever]

@@nani.9754 Narcissists and Psychopaths come in all different temperaments. It is in NO WAY one size fits all. The real bottom line with these people is that they treat their family worse than anyone else, unless they are needing to impress or keep up the good person act, then they can immediately flip their angel switch on...or they will take off for the day or event, and not deal with the charade. I'm completely done with wanting to date or get in a relationship too. I've tried a year or more after my divorce, but I have God's Discernment to see thru to the Fake. What's great is when a guy shows who he is right away, so there's no time wasted. I'm 30 years older than the very young 20 year old I was when I got married and can now see signs of a Narc or jerk. And as Narcs age they expose themselves much faster. My ex husband narc lasted 1 1/2 years of Prince Charming, then 4 days AFTER we were married he unleashed his Narc Beast, and it was a roller-coaster from that day on. Unbelievable. These days, men aren't going to wait over a year and pretend to be Mr Prince. These days there are too many people willing to just hook up for sex that the Narcs get whatever they want without having to wait or put on their charade. Good riddance. I want PEACE and JOY.

[@hishealer]

You just described my former supervisor. When someone would get fed up, she'd pull out, "Do no harm to God's prophets!" As if His prophets in the bible did no wrong ever. And you nailed the work stuff! She manipulated the system on my behalf (when she felt her control slipping) and I felt so slimy with that promotion, but I remember that I didn't do anything slimy to get it. Or want it. She kept her family financially bound, and was unashamed about it. She acted like the employees she supervised were her best friends, which we all thought was pretty sad. Some days no work was done, because she was lonely.

[@It-Is-What-It-Is.]

Of course the narcs have friends, the “yes” friends, and the good time and activity friends. As long as they can get their way with these friends, it’s great. But as soon as there’s a challenge, even a constructive disagreement, or any behavior that does not conform with their ideas, there is no compromise. They will belittle, argue loudly, or if they need to hold back, they will talk bad behind the friends’ backs. Their usual phrase, “she/he is so stupid!” In short, there is no sincerity from a narc. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@michaelgoldberg7403]

As soon as you can fake sincerity, you got it down! That's the narcs mantra. I went to a training course where they taught this ... at a church based university. Lord save us from your self appointed leaders. 🙏

[@LordCutlerBeckett]

This! The first time I had asked him for anything he blew up in my face. Angry, yelling, belittling, contempt, disgust for me spewing from his mouth. It was a side I had never seen from him before (though looking back there were signs) and I just felt numb being subjected to this abuse. What happened was I was the one always making plans, he wouldn’t confirm those plans until right before (which made it really hard to make other plans with any other people because he wasn’t getting back with me). Then he started canceling those plans last second and not taking any initiative to set up new plans. I didn’t have an issue if we couldn’t hang out, but I just told him to give me some notice that he couldn’t. If he had other plans with friends and we couldn’t hang, that was fine, but I just asked him to please give me a heads up about it. Because I was starting to feel taken for granted and like an option. Asking for that one thing led to his abusive tirade.

[@starzintheskyz4477]

Thank you for talking about this. I have been asking this complex question for years!

[@agrav2474]

I have been wondering this for soooo long! Thank you!

[@beaulieuc8910]

I would agree with this. I would also add that some are blind to their behaviour and discount it as not important. A colleague could have racked up loads of speeding fines and parking tickets,perhaps have a punch up outside the pub but he is seen as a funny, mischievous colleague who is 'entertaining'. Boris Johnson, has a narc pattern right through his life, yet he gets away with things as 'they think he is funny'. You are right their friends are shallow.

[@lalique2817]

I just wanted to say I have had a new friend for about 2 months who is my first non-narcissist friend in years. I know she's not a narcissist because I keep bracing for blowback and character assaults and devaluing...and there is none. I keep walking on egg shells like I did with other friends...and I don't need to. I keep taking a deep breath expecting gaslighting and childish tantrums...and there is none of that at all. I didn't realize how tense I was around EVERYONE because narcissists had conditioned me to be ready for the confrontation. And with this new friend, there is only...normal. How delightfully strange.

[@joysachs9032]

Lovely AHA moment for me! Thank you for answering a question that has had me in doubt, somewhat!! Always shining a light.... I appreciate your wisdom so much. Thanks for sharing with us ♡♡♡

[@wren1114]

Love the sprinter long distance metaphor! Thank you for this super explanation. TY!

[@marimota5083]

You have help me sooooo much with the worst experience of my life

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ...

[@hikerglenn]

You hit the nail on head with this one! Some of the exact things that went on with me and a coworker, ultimately I couldn’t take any more and left a job I really loved.

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ ◦◦...

[@blessed7927]

Yes!!! Great video.Especially through a calm intimate emotionally intelligent mind - thank you!!!

[@TheLiquidCat]

Thank you for this video, Dr Ramani. Being around these people is such a mind f***, and your videos help to clear my head.

[@amy-mw4gp]

Thank you for answering a question that has been bugging me for ages about my "new" friend. I knew her for two years as an acquaintance. She seemed lovely: quiet, shy, reserved and not nosy in any way, always seemed incredibly busy. But something just felt 'off'. For someone always rushing around she had time to talk (just chit chat) for someone so shy she could approach strangers (me) and strike up conversation. Nearly every impression I got of her in those years turned out to not be true. Once we became friends things started to change, although she never really treats me that badly I started to see a lot I didn't like. The closer we got the less she seemed to care if I saw the bad side and everyone else continued thinking she was great and getting used by her. She never wants to go deep. She talks about the world, her pets and her family and that's the extent of conversation, even after 2 years. Even her other friends seem to have secret identities and mustn't be named.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

recently found out (what i suspected) that, when my spouses parent attempted to reach em via telephone at work, the person that they ended up chatting with (spouses co-worker fellow naval officer) told the parent "mrs/mr.[so and so] I'm gonna tell you something ... nobody likes your [daughter/son]..." this info did *not come as a surprise* to me.

[@jlae7966]

Yesss thank you for answering this question!

[@jeffreylucas3421]

Another one well done, you are so much enriching my understanding.

[@VandaMorrison]

I adore this lady! ❤️❤️ such a beautiful voice and great mind! Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@lifecoachmary]

I had a discussion with a narc in my life. To his understanding, everyone is a friend but on a scale. I explained that though I was neighborly with my neighbour, I would not term the relationship friendship. He was mad about my opinion but I told him that is the way I see it and maintained that. Now I understand further why they have 'lots of friend'. He just met a new neighbor and he is already addressing him as his friend. Such a high level.of superficiality. I prefer to have few friends who we can really be deep in conversation about different areas of life with.

[@kdphotos4691]

Same here. My friends can talk about many different topics, narcissists and superficial people cannot. I had a "friend" from 30 years ago who started writing me again on FB. I noticed that every time I talked about anything real, he would crack a joke. I got fed up and addressed his issues with hoarding. I have a few friends who realise they're on a journey and part of that is offering advice to each other. He didn't know how to even approach the idea of doing self-work. He says he wants to deal with his issues with hoarding but doesn't want to try. If I called him out for making jokes about healing work, he'd try to blame me for "being difficult" or "not making it easy" to be a friend. I got fed up and told him what I thought and then stopped contacting him. As expected, instead of addressing what I wrote, he came back weeks later with "happy Easter" as if I'm supposed to be able to do anything with that. It's like pulling teeth. You can't get any conversation out of them because all they want to do is keep everyone at arm's length. Surprise, surprise, he would also bad mouth his "friends" behind their back.

[@CodyCole80]

💯👍🏾💯

[@lifecoachmary]

@@kdphotos4691 yes, he jokes a lot about important stuff. I used to think that was not healthy but I didn't understand that there was a personality trait like that. I only came to this knowledge in January this year. Everything just started to make.sense as his behaviour matches all the behaviours as presented by Dr. Ramani and many other people on KZbin who have addressed this topic.

[@katarina9983]

@KD Photos My mother is like that. When I brought up a subject with her behaviour she started talking about poems. I actually laughed because it was so bizarre. I had a conversation with her about therapy and tried to explain that people (not her directly of course) can benefit from it because they can get a new idea presented to them that they wouldn't have thought of themselves. She exploded saying if she would have a new idea she would come up with it herself! I guess she's threatened by a new idea being put in her head? What a pathetic life to not even be able to hear a different point of view.

[@katarina9983]

@Creating with Mary So similar to my mother. She says she's friends with one of her friend's son. The son and her friend aren't talking, but she has taken it upon herself to bring them together and be the mediator (she's a fixer to her narcissistic mother by the way). I've tried to tell her that it's not really friendship she has with this 30-40 years younger kid, but she doesn't want to hear it. She's always been weird when it comes to friendship and one of the things she was so utterly shocked by was when I had a big celebration and people came out of town for it. She walked around dazed not believing people would waste money on travel and hotels just for me. I might add that not all of my family who lived in the same town came...

[@NotUrAverage786]

Thank you for sharing this insightful video & shining a light on this topic. Something I've wondered about for sure...

[@GF-ye4fs]

ᴛᵉˣţ𝄍✉𝑾𝒉𝔮ᴛᵗ𝑠𝑨𝑝𝑝 ✚𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟕𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟑✔ ʀᴇɢᴀʀᴅɪɴɢ ʙᴛᴄ/ ᴇᴛʜ ɪɴᴠᴇsᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪᴅᴇᴀs ʟᴇᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪ ʀᴇғᴇʀʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ◦◦ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜɪɴɢ ◦◦

[@justlivinglife465]

Omg thank you Dr Ramani! This video definitely explains why my narcissistic singing teacher has so many social contacts, over 1000 Facebook friends & so many people who adore him. It's basically all very lovey and 'mwah mwah darling' I have no further comments except to say this is so accurate! ☺️

[@stephaniegentryart]

I was recently told by one. That “I would be happier in surface level friendships” because she sees other people being happier in surface level friendships. Labeling me as surface level. I said it was insulting. But it literally wasn’t meant as an insult. To them. They feel more value in surface level friendships because it gives her permission to isolate and do the hurtful things. In my case I was avoided and ignored and then blamed for being hurt about being avoided and ignored. And only when caught in the lies. Did they admit to avoiding me. Without any apology. Or remorse. It was almost said with a since of pride: and yet I still stuck around. Im our mostly now. And glad to be. Just interesting hearing this and thinking back on those friends that were narcissists. Often they showed this. On the surface they are great. Try and go deeper. And they either cringe. Or allow you in and then push you out. And then blame you for “reeling you in”

[@smolangrymartian]

NAIL ON THE HEAD.