How is masking different for Autistic Women?

#shorts
Gender roles and societal expectations can create different pressures for individuals. These roles and expectations construct how people are expected to act, speak, dress, groom, and conduct themselves based on their assigned gender. These social factors make it difficult to diagnose autism in women, especially with contemporary research that suggests women are better at “masking” than men. This video features women who shared their various takes and experiences with high masking, whether or not they were consciously doing it, the costs that come with high masking, and how all of these had affected their personal and professional relationships.
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I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.
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~ Paul
#autism #asd #autismawareness

[@linden5165]

"I had denied a lot of my own experience" is painfully relatable.

[@smule77]

Same. Gaslighting myself for the most part of my life lead to complete loss of self in my case. Fun fact: I complained about having no clue who I am for over 20 years. (Not on a daily basis, but it really bothered me.) Last year I found out that I'm probably autistic, got an official diagnosis and finally I'm getting somewhere by figuring myself out, at the age of 45. I'm not done by a long shot but finally there's progress.

[@frempy4426]

@@smule77 Hey it’s me are you my lost self?

[@smule77]

@@frempy4426 Hahaha, I guess we'll find out in time 😆 virtual hugs for the road behind us and motivational high five for the path we have yet to travel - we got this!

[@dabordietrying]

right?? thought to myself "there's no way im autistic i dont do x y and z" come to find out i literally _do_ do x y and z ive just somehow tricked myself into thinking i didnt. that or didnt realize until i had to

[@jeanetteg83]

Agree

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Yep. It's hard to explain these things to neurotypical people. For example, my aunt and uncle live in a different city, but he was offering to drive me there for Christmas dinner, because he is picking up his mother over at where I live. But it can be really hard to explain to them that I don't want to stay the night because I wouldn't sleep as well (and without sleep I become very socially awkward as I strain myself to act enthusiastic when I am exhausted). And if he picks me up from my place, then chances are that I will have to get up earlier than I would if I were driving there myself (and I would have to do a lot more socializing on top of that). It's hard to explain to them that it's not them, it's me. They don't realize how much I have to accommodate to myself to basically make sure that I am going to be okay. It literally feels like survival. I could never ask them to accommodate me in all of the ways that I accommodate to myself, even though I spend each day accommodating to the rest of the world. So I feel like they don't know what it feels like to accommodate to others to that extreme (unless they are a caregiver perhaps). And so, I feel like I would just put a strain on them, as they would have to fight against what feels natural to them.

[@niteshade2271]

I relate so hard 😭

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@niteshade2271 Yeah, I mean, I didn't even know what to say to her about until a couple of days later. And yesterday I even had to text my dad and my grandma to ask them what to do about a situation that seems pretty simple for anyone else. Somebody rang my doorbell, but I was trying to get back to sleep and was slow to answer it. And then my mind started to get worked up about it. I was thinking, "What if it was my neighbor who was interested in me a while ago?" I didn't think that he was interested anymore though, because we seemed to clash flirting wise. I had no idea what to do when he would peer at me through my living room window as he was walking past to get to the parking lot (the sidewalk is only about 4 feet from the window). One time he stopped and watched me work on my painting for a few seconds, I was turned away from the window, and my cat was going crazy watching in the window. I didn't know what to do, so I pretended that I didn't see him. Then he jingled his keys, and continued walking. He could have felt rejected after that, so I didn't want to risk the chance of making him feel rejected again, and I was torn about whether I should check to see if it was him that rang my doorbell (since he used to do that, if he needed something). So yeah, it's all just an awkward situation!

[@BetheChange80]

So well written out. Also Some Neuro smart people pull along the introvert or shy people to new places (they will be the friends of the NTs) and hang on for 3-4hours and expect autistic people to socialise just like that. And have dinner with them, follow all other social rules when we have just met. I would always repent those hours spent and wish I was left alone in a new park or just stayed in the house. Not everyone gets it and there are some friends who would mock at every single thing they find different in loners (diagnosed or not ).

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@BetheChange80 Awe, thank you! Yeah, it seems to take me a long while to warm up to a person, and people often scare me away when they act like we're best friends when it's only our first or second or third time meeting. I am just like, "How could you possibly know if you like me?" I find it takes a few months before the real person comes out (because people most often only show the side of them that they want you to see).

[@meguellatisabrina5631]

"I'm not arrogant". That sums up my biggest concern lately. I spent a lot of time trying to understand why people think I m arrogant while I m not, a lot of time trying not to look arrogant but.... I stopped trying. I stopped because I realized that authentic people don't think that about me, and good hearted people dont judge nor cancel me even if they think I am . It's only those people who would accept arrogance from someone they believe is rich or socially high ranked, not from someone of modest upbringing. It's just they adopt contempt with people they look down too, not because they despise arrogance. So I stopped trying, even though I hate arrogance, I don't care anymore....

[@G-he6mi]

Well said 👏

[@surrealistgirlx]

I've been masking since I was young. I learned how to act in society to be "accepted". It was very difficult when I let the mask slip & you receive a negative response. In some ways it helps me to protect myself. People don't understand when you are neurodivergent. And in many ways I don't give a shit. Sometimes it is better for my health to just walk away.

[@BetheChange80]

How do you do that, being more open and explicitly say No to friends when they invite to party or new places?

[@courtney9212]

So proud of these women, thank you all❤️

[@eduardofreitas8336]

I am a male wich is having trouble getting a diagnosis and for some reason I can relate even harder to autistic women`s experiences than men`s

[@StarWonder]

Diagnosis is not only a privilege, but there is no criteria for Adult diagnosed Autists & self diagnosis is valid!

[@janebarron757]

I had been self diagnosed for autism for many years because I didn't have Medicaid and Medicare and I would have to pay big amount to pay for one and because my behavior specialist Medicaid waiver let me know I didn't need another label then everyone change anything but then I was referred to neuropsychologist had testing done found out the results and found that I have autism spectrum disorder traits

[@BipolarCourage]

Traits means below threshold for a diagnosis

[@grovermartin6874]

Janebarron, was that a relief to have your experience validated by a professional?

[@bernlin2000]

Yeah, anyone who says you didn't need to know, or that it doesn't matter ("we love you no matter what") are doing what is definitely efforts at masking your as neurotypical...they're ashamed on your behalf, and for themselves, too. Somehow your existence weighs them down or makes them feel they did something wrong. Glad you got the clarification you needed! My self-diagnosis was enough for the rest of the chips to fall where they may, and I got enough confirmation from my family to feel confident in the approach I took. I"m 35...I have a lot of experiences I can extrapolate from to reach my "diagnosis" (not to mention I did, in fact, take a proper, rigorous screening tool)

[@fotinikordos2609]

When I realized that being on the Spectrum was actually a gift l feel very lucky to be a free thinker!!! It keeps me out of the BOX 😊

[@Jwet1100]

As someone diagnosed at 29 now 31 who was self diagnosed before getting a diagnosis i will never judge anybody who claims they too are self diagnosed. Its a very personal discovery about who you are and everyone deserves a chance at better understanding themselves.

[@rachelthompson7487]

Can't wait to see this discussion.

[@mujergata222]

Trying to date again is bringing up the clash of programs I had forgotten about, because I've only spent time with my daughter in recent years. I forgot that the way I naturally behave does not mesh well with neurological people. Being laughed at for things that aren't meant to be funny, being told I'm awkward (from someone who seemed awkward in my viewpoint), idk just the disinterest or inability to get on the same wavelength, being chastised as weird for the phrases or words I choose, the way I dress, told my speech sounds cpnfusing as to whether im being sarcastic or flirting (it was neither). I can't put a mask on again, it's mostly just being quiet and that's simple suppression. Also, I don't have the energy to do so anymore. I masked all the time at my job with a literal script and strict uniform and image policy. I think I thought I had figured out socializing and come out of my shell, but I really hadn't... I was just following the guidelines set forth by my company, talking about my special interest at my job where it's relevant, and never had to worry about sustaining relationships with coworkers or customers. I feel most comfortable with other autistic people or sometimes those with adhd but it isn't easy to find anyone I'm interested in who meets those requirements. Also ive finally had the lesson beaten into my psyche by experience that i need to go super slow and not assume anything about a potential partner and just kinda see over time where they are at and who they really are, intentions and capabilities. I feel strong love and acceptance for myself, but it's kinda painful to endure the quiet rejection because they can't really see my value. I feel like I'm just written off. I'm a single parent as well, so it feels like time wasted and a lot of stress to carve out time for dating in a world where nobody even bothers to let you know what they're really hinking.

[@bernlin2000]

I cannot conceive of how (or why) I would want to date a neurotypical person. It's very powerful and clarifying for me to self-diagnose because now I have eliminated a lot of "detritus" from the dating pool lol. But it also means I better be slow to say I'm just "gay" when I have no idea if I've ever had a meaningful interaction with a woman on the autism spectrum. Kinda hard to know your orientation when you don't even know your own species lol. So obviously it's a lot harder to date when 95%+ of the dating pool is instantly eliminated (and that's a dream world where everyone is properly diagnosed...which seems very unlikely for a long time), but I think it's worth the fight. You have a right to express yourself without having to constantly translate (or, more to the point, be translated by an empath/good partner).

[@ClarenceJ.Sinclare1911]

Iv'e always known i had this . Undiagnosed , but aware .

[@assmaticcat]

I cant thank you enough for sharing this. I'm so afraid to get diagnosed. I'm frozen in fear.

[@musingfoodie1041]

Yes, many people feel intimidated and/ or uncomfortable when dealing with highly intelligent people.

[@zXJulianXz]

I am a gay man and mask heavily too. I really relate to the female experience of autism. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago. Thankfully the psychologist I saw could recognise that although quite atypical for a man, I was very high on masking and had compensatory social skills. I can't find any literature about gay men on the spectrum, but I really resonate with the female experience, and even if I'm not welcome in that space, I would like you to know that I understand your experience to some extent. 👍

[@LadyMuskratJamz]

Im AuDHD, and my best friend (who is autistic and part of the LGBT community) was telling me the other day that autistics are twice as likely as allistics to be LGB, and three times as likely to be gender diverse. If you look up autism + LGBT you’ll find varying numbers and stats, but apparently its very common to be both. You’re not alone, friend!! 🤍

[@kencarson7310]

You're not alone, I'm in the same boat .

[@heatherinde]

If this space resonates with you, then I think you belong.

[@mrb8993]

blah blah blah

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

🌱🌏💚 Thank you Paul and community. Looking forward to this premiere! KiaOra.

[@Wingedmagician]

This is incredible thank you. Great representatives over here

[@kchannel5317]

I have a non-expressive face, so what I've realized is that not only do I have a hard time understanding others, but others have a hard time understanding me. I believe I have ASD, but I've never understood the idea of masking. Suppressing our true thoughts and emotions is a common human experience, even for people without ASD.

[@grovermartin6874]

Kchannel5317, right you are! There are so many ways of being or feeling that make people uncomfortable, so if we are sensitive we learn not to express our disagreement, our divergence, our individuality, no matter what diagnosis we do or don't have. It feels to me a bit like being in a straitjacket, but more comfortable than being judged and found wanting.

[@BlackMarilynMonroe33]

“I’m not arrogant.”😂 I laugh now, but last year I clashed hard with a counselor who was intimidated by my knowledge base. No longer will I shrink myself for others or apologize for who I am.

[@allieeverett9017]

Love this real stuff...

[@Reticulan1]

I didnt just suppress myself. I suppressed memories of who that was.

[@qualityheartart6460]

Thank you ladies, and gentleman. I appreciate you

[@rachelwriter8749]

Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤😊

[@ThisIsKatFood]

I’m still waiting for the official diagnosis, but when it comes to autism and masking, I feel like I became a kind of mix of Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger's cat. From a young age I realized certain actions caused certain reactions and did my best to avoid the negative consequences. As a result, for a long time I hid my “autistic self” in a box and even though I prayed for death, I never did quite died, but nor could you say I was ever truly living.

[@JosephKline44]

I feel yall

[@richardlongmore9301]

It explains a lot doesn’t it. I was sad at first when I realised but glad I know what’s going on and why everything is so hard I believe in self diagnosis. We have amazing content being created by doctors and sufferers and who knows you better than you ?

[@gaylegreene]

Me at 64 😢

[@npcx-mq6cr]

imagine if it cost $4000 to diagnose adhd

[@stefanmargraf7878]

Thats nuts. Selfdiagnose is easy.

[@dorothywillms115]

Without diagnosis you can’t get medication!! It’s a bummer! My doctors didn’t believe me regarding my husband and daughter so after reading Daniel Amens books we went to Seattle from Canada. It cost over ten grand and they also found out husband has a brain injury. When we came back to northern Canada my 🥵 dang Drs. We’re in shock but after 50 years of a difficult life both are on medication! NEVER GIVE UP!!! We have a right to get health care but doctors have to pushed very very hard for referrals.

[@andrewmorton395]

I have Autism AD HD OCD PDA I am 66 now and struggling

[@jeanetteg83]

Argh. I wrote a long comment and had to look up one word. Now I have to write it all over again and can't remember all of it. It was basically asking if anyone knows what to do if the answer from my assesement is that I am NOT in the spectrum and I can't get ANY accommodations here if I don't have it on paper. Self diagnosis is frowned upon here....

[@_N0_0ne]

💜

[@CoreenMontagna]

Girl at 0:30 could as well be me

[@rhomboidman]

She looks smart

[@grovermartin6874]

​@@rhomboidmanThey all seem quite bright, and touchingly self aware.

[@astridvolleberg1480]

❤️

[@bernlin2000]

I LOVE that first woman...it's the opposite, isnt it? Like "No, PLEASE, is there a 0.01% chance you're on the spectrum? GET HERE NOW PLEASE" XD Because there really is never enough people to connect with on the spectrum, that seems totally impossible to me!

[@MeltedHugo]

For me as a nonbinary person these are probably the best descriptions of masking I've heard so far.

[@Marina80808]

Somethings make sense and somethings don’t.

[@haroldgifford852]

🎭👺😈👿

[@teresabailey7874]

I asked my my adult daughter what she would do I was diagnosed Autistic, and she yelled at me saying, NO, you are NOT Autistic. I live alone now, and don't have to mask, so now it seems to her that I am a totally different person. But what is actually occurring, is that she is now seeing the real me. Obviously she doesn't like what she sees. 😞

[@janebarron757]

My motto is God's plan God's time

[@charlieguy6872]

Sometimes one reaches a point in life where they find they have to advocate and stand up for themselves though. With the love and support of God :)

[@BipolarCourage]

Neurodiversity advocates have watered down a medical diagnosis so that common traits that are indistinguishable from "neurotypicals".

[@knotsoangelic]

Or - consider - more of us are becoming open, finding ourselves, realizing we are not alone and opening up to the world about our experiences and finally finding answers we’ve been missing our whole life. Just a thought.

[@BipolarCourage]

@@knotsoangelic or more likely, the neurodiversity movement has ripped off some diagnoses, completely changed them so nothing in common with clinical definitions, made them so broad that include common personality traits that anyone can opt into for "identity".

[@BipolarCourage]

And some, like Paul, refuses to get assessed professionally, yet claims to be diagnosed. Make money from convincing people they must be autistic

[@knotsoangelic]

@@BipolarCourage it seems like you have no idea what youre talking about and have missed the point of his channel completely.

[@Summer-sc1ph]

​@@BipolarCourage you are definitely right that sometimes this happens especially on social media and especially especially on TikTok. But that doesn't mean that later-life diagnosis isn't a real experience some of us are going through.

[@jonathanhalverson6495]

Find jesus

[@kvntlord]

Jesus isn't real

[@jonathanhalverson6495]

@@kvntlord neither are you

[@jonathanhalverson6495]

And neither is autism 😂

[@kvntlord]

@@jonathanhalverson6495 is any of this, truly, real? 🤔 or simply a mass collection of perceived realities, limited by our consciousness? Much to ponder.

[@kvntlord]

@@jonathanhalverson6495 says the most r*****d fool in the comments? Love that for you

[@parkerprevost7716]

I have never masked ever masking is for loser