How Long Should You Date An Avoidant?

[@marybuddendeck7304]

My avoidant broke up with me over the phone last night after 14 months together. I’m broken hearted. Said I love too much and too deeply. Best compliment I ever got! Who wouldn’t want that kind of love? So I understand it’s not me. No more avoidants- not worth all the wasted time when I have so much to give! 😊

[@lualhatilualhati]

amen brother

[@kingofsicily]

Agreed. I think in addition to past issues, many people are too afraid to feel-truly feel, anything good anymore cause they fear the lows. Its a cowardly way to live.

[@dvegas]

So clear! 💙 If someone isn't willing to work with you, it's time to walk away! Stop wasting precious time. Improve yourself and find a better match. ✨️

[@yougotgroove]

@@dvegas the first step to improvement is leaving that person. Everyday of no contact is a gift

[@raygodmanMX]

Only long enough to find out what they are. You deserve to have feelings reciprocated, they are incapable.

[@creatureofstyle]

9 weeks for me. He was hot and cold, constantly changing his mind, overthinking everything and then applying assumptions to me that weren't accurate, would tell me we were on the same page then ignore what we talked about and do the opposite, ignored some simple boundaries I told him were important to me, was negging me, it felt like he looked down on me, he wasn't there for me when all I needed was a hug, etc.... He wouldn't even kiss me right when he saw me after we hadn't seen each other for a week He also acted like I was super needy when I'm actually secure leaning avoidant lol. I've never experienced a relationship like that and we had been friends for 4 years before we dated so it shouldn't have been so freaking hard. I got tired of it feeling so one sided. We should have been in the fun cute early stages of romance but it was really not fun at all All those things he listed at the end (where he says it's getting worse and worse) were already present even that early in the relationship. Don't ignore the red flags people. Look out for yourselves!

[@jamalcole1985]

Next time ask people important questions and observe patters to avoid this issue. There are two sides of the story as well. Let's not play the victim

[@creatureofstyle]

​@@jamalcole1985 Did you not see where I said we were friends for 4 years before we dated? We'd had a lot of conversations. I did ask questions. It's hard to choose the right person when they aren't being honest with you about who they are. He pursued me for 3 of those 4 years and then when we finallty started dating it's like a switch flipped and he became a totally different person. He was TENSE and freaked out then pulling away and acting aloof I'm not playing the victim, I'm relaying my experience. I've dated enough to know that situation wasn't typical. I ended it because it was just too much drama and I want peace I went from that relationship into a secure one with a man who openly communicates, actually wants to spend time together, listens to how I feel and respects my boundaries incredibly well. It's such a stark contrast and it's funny to think that he's actually way more affectionate and wants more attention than I ever did in my relationship with the avoidant and yet I don't see him as clingy or needy the way my avoidant saw me. He takes time when he needs it and I don't complain, he gives me time and space when I need it and he doesn't complain... it's reciprocal where the avoidant relationship was not at all

[@TorisGotAStory]

@@jamalcole1985how did she play the victim? She’s stating what happened in the relationship and why she decided to leave. Then said Adam confirmed what she saw.

[@kingofsicily]

8 weeks here. Never even knew what avoidant was but this gal was textbook. Spent about 4 weeks feeling like I lost my mind until I learned its a thing, then all the seemingly random things she did make sense. Very similar situation to what you described.

[@creatureofstyle]

​@@kingofsicily I'm sorry you went through it too! It's rough! Now at least we both know what to look for I guess

[@janelleallbritton2199]

Once I learned what avoidant attachment is, I told my then-current love interest that we would be no contact unless he decided to go to a coach/therapist to address the issue, and I was willing to join him in individual and joint sessions as a couple. Until he decided that path, it is no contact. (I set this boundary a few months after we met, so I count myself fortunate to catch this relatively early on.) I told him that to the best of my knowledge, ability and discernment, he would be my last avoidant. To answer your question: excepting him, (if I am still available), I would not ever be with someone I know is avoidant. My time and energy are too precious to me.

[@vladimirmelnikov849]

I'm curious how this unfolded, did he decide to do therapy eventually?

[@jurgenwehner3607]

7 years next Sunday. 70 discards 70 reunions

[@bombimpressionsministries]

😢

[@BetterLoveMovement]

So it’s all on YOU at this point.😑

[@LadySmilesALot_WhyNot]

Omg, Anita, So - So. HAPPY to see you here, too... ❤❤❤​@@BetterLoveMovement

[@JaneDoe-qi2gq]

That's almost 1 per month. Why would you do that to yourself?

[@777-h6n]

Wow😂

[@feliciareichbart7625]

its really awful ..its not worth it. today if somebody dismisses me, im not interested. its not attractive anymore, its not mysterious. i need a sympathetic and affectionate man...i dont need to always be wondering. its not healthy. woman need guys to take charge and be there for them .

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's completely understandable to feel this way. It's painful to invest your time and emotions into a relationship that doesn't reciprocate your care and commitment. Has this impacted your trust in men or relationships in general?

[@awareness2remember]

Men don't want to take charge because they get blamed for it when they do. It's too masculine or controlling. The problem is women don't know what they want. Most are choosing to stay single and sane.

[@ivonesilva6084]

One year max. Third type. Shutdowns. Lack of empathy. Inconsistent. Every decision had to come from him. Couldnt suggest or ask for time or talk about feelings. Was totally clear. But he said it was all my fault that he didnt bond with me because I was too critical, negative and on a ego trip. Never again. Exactly. Talked down. 19 months.

[@reginakruse5246]

@@ivonesilva6084 Yes, with me the same All my fault that he can't relax All my fault that I am giving my "comments" And as I was unwilling to let me shut down he told me that I'm cureless

[@VinitaGupta-bm2ng]

Everything you talked about in this video is so true. 2 years of time and effort feels like such a waste, I feel so drained to do even daily chores. Hoping that I heal soon that's why I'm trying to understand what happened and why it happened, because I got no closure just ghosting, just because I asked to meet. Thank you for your clear message, just in time ❤.

[@cindyvandermerwe316]

I do believe Im have anxious attachment, and my ex partner is an avoidant (I was convinced he is a Narcissist), I think both our needs were triggering the other BADLY. Man it got so toxic.

[@bmatthews003]

Thank you , thank you. This is honestly the best and most helpful information I have seen yet on the internet regarding extreme avoidant personalities. You nailed it. I feel so many people including myself have been stuck in the dynamic of them leaving because of the slightest bit of conflict and then they return and then the cycle begins . Then years later you feel like you have wasted so much time. You are correct most of them are as kind as they can be and that is what keeps a person hooked. Anyway thanks for the offer that’s extremely thoughtful for trying to help out. Thanks again 😀

[@alishad2666]

This is my first time going no contact since 2019! I was too patient. I will never do that again. He watched me go from a toddler teacher, to now being a psychotherapist. I’ve changed as he has remained the same, and I just can’t! It’s not for me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You've grown immensely, and it's clear that this relationship no longer aligns with your values or aspirations. It's normal to experience a range of emotions during this process. What was the moment that lead you to make this decision once and for all?

[@aprillove2699]

Hi Adam, I just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your content. If it weren’t for your videos, I would have had no idea that my partner was a dismissive avoidant. Understanding this has been a game changer for me, especially as we’ve broken up and are currently in no contact. Your insights have helped me see things more clearly and equipped me with the tools to cope. While I don’t think I could go back to that relationship, the learning process from your channel has been exceptional. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping so many of us navigate these complex dynamics! Keep up the amazing work!

[@xuemma-pb7ys]

my ex was not searching for help ..he believe therapist is useless , i shown him a video about the healthy way to communicate in our case .. he disagreed ,he said he did not believe his behavior was problem ,but i was problem ..he was convinced by this ..it is always someone else’s fault so i knew he was helpless .. so i left for good

[@AttachmentAdam]

What was the final moment that prompted you to make that decision?

[@xuemma-pb7ys]

@@AttachmentAdam After trying so hard to tell him that i really want to communicate with him in a healthy way and face the problems together ..i asked him to go to therapist ,he promised he would go ,but again no action …and then the constantly ignoring my feelings and needs …blockings and disappearing which caused me anxiety and healthy problems,one day after 1 sleepless night because again he blocked the phone and disappeared ,i almost had a car accident because i fall asleep while driving…i told him that he has to stop this blocking game .i need him to communicate in a healthy way .he said it was me put myself in this mess,could not pull out my head out of our conflict and live my life caused the car accident .he took no blame from it …he did not show worry ,he did not show regret ,he just made clear about it was not his fault and its my own fault ..at that moment ,i believe that if i was killed in that car accident he would feel nothing …. after we decided to break up … i asked him to ship my stuff back from his place …i am in another country . he declared my shipment for 3 euros (30 kg) ,which caused my shipment blocked on custom (may never get back anymore ) ,when he knew about it …i told him i decide to give up on this shipment ..he blamed again that how much money he wasted on this shipping … even i have invested way more into him and his family than him financially . ( he is a narcissist)

[@xuemma-pb7ys]

@@AttachmentAdam we are LDR , he alway block his phone and disappear when there was an argument or a need from my side which he did not want to response .his blocking and disappearing triggered my anxiety, i could not sleep when each time he started to ignoring my messages and calls and blocks. he would even put on a very loud music or TV show to cover my voice when i tried to talk to him … there was never healthy way to communicate …or lets say ,there is only one way to communicate (when he wanted to ) .and some time he just skip the topic ask me never mention about it . we have been together for 4.5 years ,it was always a mess when i tried to communicate with him. i suggested to go to couple therapy .he agreed ,but again no action …. the event which i decide to cut off was …one day again we had a argument …he gave me again the silence voilent to push me to promise to “trust him unconditionally “ he muted my messages and calls intentionally .i did not sleep for whole night because my anxiety was full triggered . the next day after 1 day work i almost had a car accident because i fell asleep while driving… i send him messages and called him to tell him that we have to stop this ,i need him to communicate in a healthy way with me .because it impacts me in a really bad way .i told him that i almost had car accident . he told it was my problem that i unable to pull my head out of this mess and live which caused the car accident ,not his fault . he shown no worry ,no regret ,no guilty ,no empathy … then i realize that even i was killed in that car accident ,he would feel nothing .. at that moment that i know there is no way he would change … and i was right . after our break up .i asked him to ship back my shipment on his side …he declared my shipment for 3 euros (30KG ) which caused my shipment blocked on the custom (i may never get them back ) …i told him that i would give up on them because i did not want the custom to ship back to him and cost a hell money to him again … he again blamed that he wasted his money on shipping … he has no ability to think in others shoes …he is a narcissist. i left him for 2 months now …i was feelings sad and lonely ,i even miss him … but i know he is not the one i thought he was ..

[@xuemma-pb7ys]

@@AttachmentAdam we are LDR , he alway block his phone and disappear when there was an argument or a need from my side which he did not want to response .his blocking and disappearing triggered my anxiety, i could not sleep when each time he started to ignoring my messages and calls and blocks. he would even put on a very loud music or TV show to cover my voice when i tried to talk to him … there was never healthy way to communicate …or lets say ,there is only one way to communicate (when he wanted to ) .and some time he just skip the topic ask me never mention about it . we have been together for 4.5 years ,it was always a mess when i tried to communicate with him. i suggested to go to couple therapy .he agreed ,but again no action …. the event which i decide to cut off was …one day again we had a argument …he gave me again the silence voilent to push me to promise to “trust him unconditionally “ he muted my messages and calls intentionally .i did not sleep for whole night because my anxiety was full triggered . the next day after 1 day work i almost had a car accident because i fell asleep while driving… i send him messages and called him to tell him that we have to stop this ,i need him to communicate in a healthy way with me .because it impacts me in a really bad way .i told him that i almost had car accident . he told it was my problem that i unable to pull my head out of this mess and live which caused the car accident ,not his fault . he shown no worry ,no regret ,no guilty ,no empathy … then i realize that even i was killed in that car accident ,he would feel nothing .. at that moment that i know there is no way he would change … and i was right . after our break up .i asked him to ship back my shipment on his side …he declared my shipment for 3 euros (30KG ) which caused my shipment blocked on the custom (i may never get them back ) …i told him that i would give up on them because i did not want the custom to ship back to him and cost a hell money to him again … he again blamed that he wasted his money on shipping … he has no ability to think in others shoes …he is a narcissist. i left him for 2 months now …i was feelings sad and lonely ,i even miss him … but i know he is not the one i thought he was ..

[@fabiog801]

People who suffer from avoidant attchment should tell to the people who start dating. And give them the right to choose.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Most Who do the test think they are Secure Including my ex I asked Him to do the test I read part of the book Attached to Him He asked why would an avoidant do that ? Yet He was doing the same

[@fabiog801]

@@OlderWomenRock yeah, they think that it is normql to be like that. It is part of the problem. We should "avoid" this people.

[@nannyboo9832]

It’s such a contradiction and a challenge. My partner is an avoidant and we have such an amazing time together where he opens up to me and then just as quick, he goes into that independent mode and almost goes cold. :/

[@Magenta-maya93]

Mine told me basically about anything including a dentist appointment. And then he stopped I thought it was over but no, He actually wants to talk more often but dislikes the small things of everyday life

[@dant1724]

Ethical avoidant, great term. To maintain morals, values and ethics then, as an avoidant person, telling the truth but not understanding real intimacy as fear overwhelms to ANS.

[@NoName-vw6ft]

Just make sure to disclose immediatelly. Not after person gets attached. And no, it is not their faut if they attach fast, but it is avoidant's duty to disclose immediatelly.

[@31896eneri]

can you make a video about: (1) toxic relationships = not boring/ more passionate for avoidants (2) rebound relationships of avoidants or falling inlove quickly with a new person after breakups

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for those suggestions. I appreciate them and will keep them in mind for upcoming videos!

[@Jackietreehorn-z5e]

She said I "scared her." I told her "no, you scare yourself." They make shit up. They self sabotage.

[@OlderWomenRock]

lol

[@NDC1234]

100% what I've been experiencing. I speak to her in a well thought out, measured tone and her responses convey her own narrative in her head.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's understandable to feel frustrated and hurt by your partner's accusation. While it's true that avoidant individuals often engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, it's important to approach the situation with empathy and avoid making generalizations. Did your response escalate the situation or create an opportunity for dialogue?

[@Magenta-maya93]

I asked mine y he sabotages our rs (master manipulator at work lol) and he said „because I don’t want to fail!“ But mostly we get along now

[@TeresaAbraham-y1e]

I literally said to my DA three weeks ago, "DON'T MAKE SHIT UP"!!! He said I stifle him, I said, "no, you stifle yourself." Can't believe this is almost the exact same conversation!

[@JenGrice]

Thank you for this!!! Perfect timing… as I consider walking away after 11 months. 😢

[@Arquebusier89]

I think my avoidant crush just shut me down. I have no idea how to proceed but I learnt so much from her from your input and explanation. Yes, her fierce independent does attract the anxious me. Yes I admire her that she is so care free. She just talks to avoidant partner who is as avoidant as her and she is totally be fine with setting up a wall, heck I think she just ask me to talk to the wall if I ever talk about going out for date with her. I think that’s fine. Good for her. I need to move on

[@Dahlia_sunset]

If i can sniff from the beginning they're avoident i shut the door and run as fast as i can.

[@ItsAngieFly]

Until you get TIRED and you will.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you've been in a relationship with an avoidant man. What strategies have you used when you were together to make your relationship more connected and fulfilling?

[@NoName-vw6ft]

How to quickly understand the person is avoidant?. During the first date preferably... As it is ta trap. Normal person will attach and will be jumping though the hoops, much better to turn away immediatelly. Avoidants, please just stop dating without disclosing and explaning immediatelly. Trying is not good enough. People are not your toys. You are giving pain and anxiety instead of happiness and security you can break someones life even. And please do not wait till person likes you, some people attach very fast if given right sygnals, but your signals are all wrong, they do not mean same things. Noone is there to hurt you and you will only hurt nice people. I really feel for you, but like sick people have a duty not to spread desease, you should not spread misery...

[@MichaelDodson3210]

Great video, Adam!

[@BetterLoveMovement]

The short answer: NEVER‼️👎🏽

[@dawnclark1103]

That was very direct and understandable ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear it! Which part stood out to you the most?

[@dawnclark1103]

Total lack of understanding another persons desires is not a person I want to invest in.

[@Pheonix1111]

I am too ethical. I always avoid relationships. I have grown used to being independent.

[@wf4983]

Me too. But it's not good. It hurts. Just to not have that.

[@Pheonix1111]

@@wf4983 I agree, but other single people are selfish. They are unfair, so it also hurts to be with them too much. We live in the “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” realm. It would be easier if we could find people who grew up securely attached, because they are fair. But they are all married and unavailable 🤷‍♀️. I look at it as though I never had a great relationship, so I am not technically “missing” something I never had. I am over exhausted from the pain. I am just not going back there. Hopefully Adam can teach all the unfair people how to be fair, so we could all have a better world. Until then, I will stay in the safe, “target free”, independent, and lonely way of life.

[@marcus716]

Yeah hard to open the door for others because we forgot how to

[@jacktaylor1801]

Some of these comments sound like they're blaming the ex for all the problems in the relationship. That's really disheartening. A few commenters sound like level 10 clingers who would drain most people's life force. That is also disheartening.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I know some of these comments seem that way, but everyone's experience is different and unique. Don't let these comments discourage you.

[@carmenjaniratarafacortes7405]

No more than 7 years. When year number 8 is approaching you should retire with dignity and accept the loss. If you still have any.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you were in a long-term relationship with an avoidant yourself. What was your greatest challenge?

[@nonenone-n3z]

Thank you for this. 8 years of off and on 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@yougotgroove]

If she's in her 50's and is still friends with her ex partners one from 13 years past, and she has male online friends, move on immediately. Their self awareness is ...... Fill in the blanks There is a black hole they want you to fill

[@AttachmentAdam]

Has this been your experience?

[@janereinhardt4715]

Can a person become an avoidant in Adulthood? After a divorce, for example, not from anything bad from childhood?

[@creatureofstyle]

Yes, absolutely!

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

I said “never again” after my first (Avoidant) husband and I divorced in 2006, but now I’m in the process of breaking up with an avoidant (actually he is sabotaging things and is ending things with me because, after 17 months together, he has decided to announce that he doesn’t date women who have children and I have two) 😮 As I listen I also had to come add that he admits to a drinking problem so 🤔 I am probably being protected and redirected, rather than rejected.

[@monikaleszko5343]

Hey Adam. What is your opinion on how soon people should move in together ? Should you go through certain things first ? What’s your best advice because I value it :)

[@budatrox9171]

I wish I knew this 15 years ago

[@AttachmentAdam]

What would you have changed or done?

[@georgybest5135]

Great supporter of your work. God bless.

[@jennahudson3420]

It’s interesting. I’m working on being Secure Attachment but I default to Avoidant just like my bf. There’s so many times I’ve almost ran away for fear of being hurt. I’ve ghosted more than one man in the past without looking back. I think that’s why I’m patient with my bf and long term friend. He is the exception to my dating rule. I’ve worked harder on our relationship than any others. We are both Avoidant but I’ve been working to be Secure.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear you're working on your avoidant tendencies and attachment style. What strategies have you found to be helpful? Feel free to reach out to me if you need help or guidance.

[@jennahudson3420]

@@AttachmentAdam Before watching your videos, I was already doing some of the things you advised me in the Live feed as well as 10-12 videos I’ve watched from you. I knew emotions was not effective. So I would always ask, “What can I do to ease your concerns? Is there something you want me to start doing to make you feel comfortable?” And the most recent was, “What are your concerns about me moving in? I will help ease those concerns by letting you know how I will commit to fulfilling those promises I have made.” A little background, he has heart failure and other health issues. He has told me he would like to take care of me but he feels he can barely take care of himself. When I was 18 and he was 23 I friend zoned him. I feel really bad about it and have apologized many times. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and has been my friend through all my crappy relationships. He is most definitely a Moral Detachment and we have many hobbies in common. We do not have addictions that would damage us. I am about to give up though. It’s been 7 years. No living together.

[@Muricanman1776]

I am the avoidant man, I’ve just started learning about attachment theory and after this video I realized just how badly I’ve messed up my relationship. I’ve been actively driving her away. How do I fix myself so I can fix the relationship

[@AttachmentAdam]

First of all, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to recognize this pattern in yourself and to want to make a change. I’m here to help-just reach out at [e-mail]

[@0Demiyah0]

Could you do a video about how avoidant men cope when THEY are the ones being broken up with? So the partner leaves them first while the avoidant was still invested in the connection and enjoyed it?

[@blancaestrada396]

Hi @ 0DemiyahO .......nice to meet you ....I am a female over 55 and started to date a avoidant....I never knew of dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant or avoidant.....I dated this fellow my age and he told me he had no marriages or children....I thought kinda good that would've have to people please so much I had never been so thoughtful and good and kind to any man like him...but I couldn't handle his quirky behavior any more he never told me where he live ...and not to brag I am consider very good looking....I thought we made a good looking couple... anyway my question is do you avoidants feel anything when someone who was sweet to you everyday loving and caring and funny and pretty.....do you guys even remember that persons name? or anything how smell ..presents...food anything? Just kinda curious....cause I still have affections and feelings for this person......and it's been somewhat painful......for me he didn't even acknowledge the care and love I shared.....thank you ever so much...from San Francisco....... 🌱🌻🌿🌁🌁💙🍩☕🌺 .🦜🌱🌻🌿🌁🌁💙🍩☕🦦⛵

[@0Demiyah0]

@@blancaestrada396 thanks for sharing. Just to be clear we're on the same page; I am a self made secure woman (previously disorganized) who recently ended it with an avoidant man. Your questions seem like you might have believed I am an avoidant man, but I am not. In answering your questions; to love someone truly, you need to bond with them emotionally. To bond with someone emotionally, you need to be vulnerable. Because avoidants have issues coming out of their shell, its more rare for them to have been vulnerable enough in a relationship to feel truly in love. They can reminisce about an ex, and appreciate their good qualities, and for sure will remember your name. But for them to truly be hurt and heartbroken over a relationship ending they need to have more than a superficial connection. When they lose someone they bonded with, this typically creates a depression over the medium to long term. In distance they feel safe to pine after and idealize an ex. Fearing any possible repeat of heartbreak and the difficulties of managing relationships emotionally, they are not likely to make the first move to reach out. Relationship failure can also re-emphasize to them why they aren't fit for a relationship at all, further strengthening their ambivalence and dismissal towards relationships.

[@x3rym866]

I recently just had my avoidant partner leave me cause they said they wanted to work on themselves and gave me the “it’s not you it me” break up text. I do feel like it’s something I did but I don’t think I was too overbearing, I probably should’ve seen the signs and saved my time and energy

[@Buggzter-n-Gallade]

I'm waiting until the 12 month mark, then saying I need to start dating others unless we are going to get serious.

[@AttachmentAdam]

How do you think your partner would respond?

[@Magenta-maya93]

Stand ur ground! I told my dude Sunday either call or never speak to me again, and he had a wake-up call! And then when we did speak he got angry at me for not getting that he’s in love w me. So we are getting there

[@rlimyp]

Yea mine says he want drama free relationship. And this made me question myself

[@charlesmobley7782]

Avoidant’s are dead inside, run and run far !

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say that?

[@Magenta-maya93]

That’s untrue. One: insane manipulator Two: therapy, family, loves me Others I met: reasons (my dad is 76, and now opens up and CRIED ABOUT A CAT TO ME), Do not say that it’s cruel

[@tracigeiser4906]

18 months, he diagnosed himself avoidant, we have gradually gotten closer and we have had the convo about commitment (we are older and marriage is not necessary). Did I blow it? He broke up with me just when we were getting closer. I’m mostly secure. I don’t need much more, but I want exclusivity. I don’t know what to do.

[@Magenta-maya93]

Would u do more content on fearful-avoidants because I feel they are underrepresented. X Also thx for ur insights

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. Thank you for that suggestion.

[@dominiquecadet5976]

Do not date an avoidant period!

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say that?

[@firstsecond98]

​@@AttachmentAdam: 5 years utter waste , secured became anxious day by day , still it feels like I'm just started learning like initial dates

[@adriennemoorebaxter993]

Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your contribution. I appreciate you!

[@wf4983]

That is helpful!

[@OlderWomenRock]

Adam my ex was extremely focused on sex and our chemistry I’m thinking lately there might be a deeper psychological reason for this ? He insisted He had a very full busy life , too busy for Me Yet part of this included a hobby , this didn’t make sense to Me Why refuse to give up even a little time out for intimacy ?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you know what specific incident caused this change? I encourage you to email me at [e-mail] so we can discuss this in more detail. I'd be happy to offer clarity, guidance, and helpful resources to help you navigate this situation.

[@eliprenten7066]

Wish I could've shown this to my ex

[@sarahjasmina1928]

Can a person become avoidant after going through the death (due to cancer) of their life partner of 28 years?

[@camvdb4567]

Can we get an equivalent for anxious?

[@ruthr8990]

0 second and preferably -10K years

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say that?

[@bpawlosgobezie9082]

He has a side chick. Disappears. Reappears when their toxic bond implodes. Done. He lies n cheats. This is in our 50s too. Laaaawd.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a painful situation to be in. How are you coping with it?

[@bpawlosgobezie9082]

@@AttachmentAdam Oh Adam. Its taken its toll. There is alcohol & drug abuse ..looks like a sex addiction too. This is a very high functioning person that has multiple companies on 3 different continents . 3 kids. But nights is bad for this man. Highly traumatized from late childhood. I am ok. Pretty secure.

[@michellebobier-groves7821]

My ex DA wasn't so high functioning, but has all the addictions yours does, plus gambling. Run, run fast and don't look back!

[@Magenta-maya93]

@@bpawlosgobezie9082Mine always came back but I’d rather not I think u deserve more ❤

[@Ana-vg7st]

If I were you I’d do the same… get the financial need from the avoidant & emotional from a side partner - unless you’re married with one, then you’re still single:)

[@pools9160]

Just broke up with them last night we were dating for 8 months I tried and tried to mention things that hurt me and bothered me but he just didn’t want to solve conflict and he just stone walled me it’s been only one day but that was enough I couldn’t handle the silence I was gonna wait to tell him I think he has an avoidant attachment style but my heart could only last 1 day I feel horrible but I know it isn’t my full fault but I still feel horrible and mostly at fault

[@AttachmentAdam]

Ending a relationship is never easy, and it's understandable to feel a range of emotions. Taking that step often requires immense courage and self-awareness. How are you feeling in the aftermath of the breakup?

[@pools9160]

@@AttachmentAdam I miss him I sent him one of your videos on how to fix avoidant and anxious relationship today, a day after saying I was done with him I regret sending that video, but I think I sent the breakup text hoping for a response but I didn’t get one. Now I’m feeling lonely i guess I’ve built so much of my life around him I got a gaming computer so we could play and now all those games are sitting on my computer and i don’t even want to touch it gaming was my hobby but he kinda ruined it for me because it just reminds me of him. im gonna miss his presence he held for me, every night we would call and play or watch a movie sometimes we would be busy and I would be okay, I fear my anxiousness really enhanced his reaction because I didn’t feel loved after spending 2 weeks with him at his house for my vacation because we live 2 hours away from each other and after the 2 weeks I didn’t feel loved I felt alone even though I was in the same house as him because it felt like he kept himself so busy and he didn’t really treat me as a lover more as a friend and in intimacy he couldn’t stay excited. I text bombed him a day later and he pulled away after that and now I’m sitting in purgatory hoping for a response but I think my break up message might have denied his response.

[@pools9160]

@@AttachmentAdamI miss him I really do I miss his presence he held in my life he still has me stone walled and ignoring me and it hurts I think I sent the breakup message hoping for a response but he hasn’t then today I sent a video of yours how to fix avoidant anxious relationship hoping he’d recognize it as a way in if he wants to talk.

[@pools9160]

@@AttachmentAdamI would build up my issues because I was scared to reveal them but I recently went to go visit him for 2 weeks stay at his house because we live 2 hours apart and I felt lonely there he worked 6 out of the 7 days of the week and after work sometimes he would just seem to be doing his own thing and would make plans with others to keep busy he would invite me but I just wish he could spend time with just me and take me out on a date I asked if we could go eat a restaurant but we never did I felt like a friend rather than a lover not much intimacy and I had a issue that I brought up and walked into the room and instead of coming to talk he played with his friend and I had to tell him to come to the room I feel like he’s trying but there’s some small things that do bother me that seem serious like he didn’t like how I chewed and my sometimes vulgar jokes and I had to change that to suit his needs and sometimes he feels like I touch him too much and I have to withhold that. But that just feels like me it comes naturally I don’t tell him to change things about himself just things that directly affect me and make me upset emotionally not just annoyances. And after that trip I text bombed him the issues I had that I needed a lot of attention and I wish he would’ve taken me out and I think that freaked him out and made him upset and he just stopped texting and said he isn’t ready to talk. And I just feel horrible I feel like it’s all my fault

[@daniellehazelgreen6026]

I wrapped it up in two weeks.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear that! Was there a specific reason?

[@daniellehazelgreen6026]

@@AttachmentAdam umm yeah he was messaging me several times a day, love bombing, and then attempting to scam me. Then when I wanted to talk about it he tried to get me to react to him by making comments designed to start stuff. Then he just ignored me. So yeah. I stopped talking to him.

[@richardnorman339]

We are individuals not a label

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. Did this video make it seem otherwise?

[@gaommusi7285]

Don’t even waste 5 minutes 🙏

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say that?

[@gaommusi7285]

I feel like in order to date an avoidant man, you simply can’t have any expectations about the future. They also don’t want to talk about anything where they have to open up if they feel it’s about them but are very happy talking about the other partner’s mistakes. They’re also not accountable for their actions because they blame everything on the mental health issues they have. I feel they’re also emotionally distant. Never again

[@Magenta-maya93]

@@gaommusi7285Mine isn’t like that at all. If (and sometimes he does) he does „blame“ me, I outright tell him it’s stupid and then that’s that. But to be fair my dad is too, so I have a feel for them u may just not have. And that is also ok.

[@ketakeev]

Hey, where is the link to the course? As its discounted i think im gonna get it. My partner is an empathetic avoidant and is in a good mindset currently to work towards change. The time is now!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear you're ready! Here is the link to the course: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love... .make sure to use the Code: KZbin25

[@melissabrzescinski494]

I wouldn’t be able to ask the questions about his avoidance. He would shut down. He has problems having difficult conversations. He won’t do it. He discarded me almost 3 weeks ago. I’m trying to detach. I had to go no contact. He ran away when I asked him if he would consider living together. It’s so heartbreaking. Thank you for your insights.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I understand that this can be incredibly painful. How are you coping with the situation so far? Are there specific strategies you're using to help you move forward?

[@melissabrzescinski494]

@@AttachmentAdam I’m listening to Abraham Hicks seminars. I’m doing my best to redirect my thoughts to better feeling thoughts. When sadness breaks through I let myself feel it, cry and move forward. I remind myself that if I really want to be honest with myself the relationship wasn’t fully emotionally satisfying because he couldn’t love me the way I loved him. He was more detached and avoidant.

[@starstoryteller]

How many dates should you go on to figure out if you're attracted to someone.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Geeat question. What kind of attraction are we talking about? Physical or emotional?

[@christopherbyrne5901]

I’m anxious for sure and things were really good until my (I assume) avoidant partner dropped me out of the blue 😢 it’s been a month of radio silence no contact. I definitely felt talked down to on certain topics of my life (she was trying to give advice) and I was stubborn in front of it, but was in love with her. I would have worked on it all with her. Is reconciliation possible here?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I encourage you to reach out to me through [e-mail] so we can discuss this in private and in more detail. I'd be happy to help and offer guidance.

[@Magenta-maya93]

Try it!

[@mattleggett5609]

What about avoided woman do both male and female avoidants have the same traits or they differ because im really really stuck not knowing the next step with girl at work and im already insanely in love with her and im pretty sure im an anxious attachment style

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good question. While there are general tendencies associated with avoidant attachment, it's crucial to remember that individuals vary widely. I encourage you to reach me through [e-mail] so we can discuss this in private and in more detail.

[@Audrey-k2h]

You shouldn't 😅

[@Magenta-maya93]

Dumb question at the end if he REALLY hates phone calls and doesn’t even call his mom (whom he loves) but we now talk more often, is that a good thing? He also knows he’s avoidant and goes to therapy.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like he's self-aware and is actively doing the work. Communication is always key in all relationships. Do you feel like this bring you closer together?

[@Magenta-maya93]

@@AttachmentAdamI hope so? I told him to treat me more softly, and argued when he said he „can’t“ (as in, then learn it). And vice versa when I called a pic he sent „cute“ he asked for more masculine compliments. So I wrote him a long text about his qualities which he found „sufficient“. Overall we do have some argue points but we talk, and we actually talked rather than break up, twice. Once me, Sunday, when he actually fought for me, too. I guess as far as avoidance goes he’s an amazing boyfriend?

[@kittervision]

one year so far and i see now that he doesn't care about my feelings or how he affects me but im in love

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Haha I knew you would say 5 years for one of the avoidants.

[@mjc21706]

You shouldn’t

[@erichayward2850]

They are awful she completely lied in the beginning..I asked all the important questions in the beginning

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you experienced a betrayal and a frustrating experience. How long did that relationship last and what did you learn from it?

[@yoursparklecoach]

He's both of these. 🤔

[@alezy7645]

This is such a good video, everyone interested in relationships should see it

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m so glad you found the video valuable. What stood out to you the most in the video?

[@marcus716]

Adam i heard avoidants are hypersexual. Is this true?

[@AttachmentAdam]

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to engage in dopamine-seeking or binging behaviors. This can show up as risky behavior, overindulging, etc. Does this answer your question?

[@headshot8888]

😢

[@patrice7p]

KZbin 25