How to Forgive Yourself | Being Well Podcast

We all make mistakes in life. When we do it's important to take appropriate responsibility, feel the "wince," and make amends as we can. But after we've done that...then what? Many people find it easier to forgive others than they do to truly forgive themselves, and it's not uncommon to be burdened by excessive shame and guilt that has outlived its expiration date.
On this episode Dr. Rick Hanson and I explore forgiveness, including how we can forgive ourselves. This includes common myths and misunderstandings about forgiveness, the difference between healthy and unhealthy forms of shame and remorse, coming to terms with what we've done, and a roadmap to achieving (self-)forgiveness.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:05 Assumptions, approval, and what forgiveness is and is not
7:55 What does healthy remorse look like?
10:15 Forrest exploring a dream about appropriate remorse
13:35 Our internalized justice system
17:35 More on dreams and internal parts
24:05 Aspects of unhealthy remorse
28:10 How to move through a recurring cycle of shame and unhealthy remorse
33:25 Proportionality, defensiveness, intention, and owning your mistakes
41:45 Clean pain and dirty pain
48:35 Some concrete practices
53:55 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@jenean7374]

Positive comment

[@LaLaLaurino14]

I’m not over exaggerating when I say I’ve played this episode over 20 times….you both have become so so incredibly comforting for me.

[@syxx7wun]

One of my relationships just ended because of my recurring behaviors. I'm in a state of heavy self hatred right now. This video just popped up on my feed.

[@lolliisabusdriver.4447]

Same. ❤

[@audreys2327]

I am right there with you.

[@Bl00dyP3nguin]

The story of the dog in the dream has helped me so much it’s insane. Thank you for putting that in here, I really needed that

[@diegotejera2742]

Duo with one of the best psychology podcasts out there & definitely the best hair 😉

[@dublingirl1691]

💯👍🏻

[@ForrestHanson]

😅🤣

[@Amber24426]

I love your dad’s genuine enthusiasm for each topic! His excitement is almost always palpable and I admire the sort of intrinsic, unbridled playfulness he seems to exude.

[@sqrfoot6548]

It makes me so warm in the heart to see the two of you together.

[@gerisserran2967]

Forrest, I can relate to your story at the end, I too have regrets about not spending enough time with my nana when she was ill and dying, one of my biggest regrets. Thanks for sharing, I feel that.

[@lauriesanto7410]

Also would like an episode on authoritarian parents as I often wonder if that is the root of my extreme anger issues. 😢

[@dublingirl1691]

Loved this conversation on forgiveness and all of the issues in how we can deal with it. Forgiving and Forgetting is a deep area to delve into. Thanks to both of you!

[@wendi2819]

I've used the KZbin EMDR to help integrate messages like this. I love these sensitive kind men.

[@tiffanykeener7368]

Please do an episode on authoritarian parents. It would be helpful.💗

[@dorishaus400]

Yes do more episodes on childhood being raised by…… Love this one, just listened again! Giving my inner dogs a cookie!!❤

[@georgiasmyrniou6337]

Thank you for looking at the other side. Particularly good for parents. Unfortunately for some of us we cannot turn the time and rectify then we live with the trauma of having causing trauma to somebody. This criminalization can be unbearable

[@storytimetarot]

Thank you Forrest, thank you Rick. There’s so much pragmatic wisdom here. Forrest, thank you for your gentleness and spaciousness for the vulnerable, messy humanity that we each experience inside ourselves. I’d love to listen to series on ‘the children of sociopaths’. I see your dream dog is a beautiful messenger Angel of mercy for your deep pure heart, a reminder of your empathy. Thank you for your body of work. It’s quite the legacy you’re creating for the world. 🙏🏻🤍

[@user-ue5yf1ej4i]

These guys are great! I have grown internally more listening to them than being in therapy for 5 years! Thank you and I really needed to listen to this forgiveness episode!!

[@maryives4980]

I appreciate your podcasts. I like how the discussion between you and your dad brings such insight and balance to complex, layered human behaviors. I find your willingness to be vulnerable is especially valuable. There is a sense of optimism and hope conveyed throughout the discussion by the way you are with one another--honest and joyful.

[@user-hk4oh2ku8w]

I love you. Thank you for support. New Zealand is better. peace .

[@dorishaus400]

And I love your recap. I could feel your sadness when talking about your Grandmother. I believe your right she wouldn’t want you to keep feeling bad about it.

[@rochelle_johnston2703]

Hi, Thank you I hadn't thought of forgiveness this way, I believe hopefully this will help me greatly. Thank you once more. Rochelle.

[@margo5919]

Great episode, like how you do a recap

[@marystele1197]

Really helpful. Forgiveness has a lot of definitions! Liked the way you your explore issues with decency, honesty and real integrity. Also your enthusiam and vitality as people is great to see. Thanks Guys

[@charlenelavalle2373]

This was so beautifully explained.

[@herbzrgreen]

Balance through Will of Compassion, to oneself then others 🙏🔥💚

[@through.a.barrel.she.breathes]

I agree that the shame I carry for the mistakes I made both that unintentionally and in anger or sadness intentionally hurt others and it doesn't sit with my core values. So I agree that wiping the slate clean and disentanglement and making deliberate efforts to improve and change my conduct in the future and hold myself accountable just as I expect accountability by others. Yes I think I have well and truly served by time for the guilt and shame I carry when I use CBT strategies like asking what I would say to a friend in my shoes as I think most of us are harder on ourselves than others.

[@nraiassignments7661]

Great twists and turns in the way you covered this podcast topic, organic and original. (BTW The dog dream reference was so relatable.) The mischievousness you both share shines without detracting from the content at all. I laugh along with you, something I often do when I listen to your Being Well podcasts. The IRL factor is five-stars. Always great variety. Thanks so much.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Great conversations of authenticity and acceptance ! Thank you

[@itsgonnabeokai]

This definition of forgiveness really struck me because of how different it is to the forgiveness I was begging for from my abusive parent. It wasn't about how much pain I'm in, it was about her pain of not fulfilling her dream of a perfect child. She would shame and insult and belittle and whip me until I appeared to be fixed, until my assurances that I will change were convincing her. So forgiveness didn't mean I don't have to feel overwhelming shame about my mistake anymore, on the opposite it meant that she would stop hurting me, because my shame was finally strong enough.

[@BruceBDM57]

Yes please think about doing podcast on authoritarian parent. My ex spouse carries shame and guilt because what he did to me because of that horrible strict up bringing by one of his parents

[@tudorholz89]

Hey guys, I love your podcast. It has helped me alot because I feel that the information you provide is spot on! And because I am envious on your father son relationship, that you are able to talk so opleny and feel safe to do so. I am the son of a eastern european ex communist cop who in my opinion is either narcissistic / bpd. He lacks empathy, always manipulated me that what I think/feel is not real, I am mearly his extension I am not allowed to be who I want to be because I am laughed at, shouted at like threatening like no other person has in my life. I am in my early 30's and can't seem to get out of a freezing state where I cannot start doing something for myself without being defetist and criticizing myself pretty badly. Thank you for your work and I really hope you guys receive the recognition you deserve for your work

[@Aardeiswritingagain]

Hope you find some healing in your journey of being you, amazing you.

[@adamb.9968]

Among the many wonderful things offered by this podcast is the modelling of a healthy, mutually constructive and affectionate parent-adult child relationship. And they're working together, which can present particularly great challenges for such a relationship. Tho' the podcast comes off as pretty seamless, I would guess there's much to be discussed, negotiated, decided upon behind the scenes so props on presumably handling all that. (Perhaps that hasn't always been so smooth--those conflicts would be interesting to hear about, if I haven't missed you all doing that, and if it's something you'd want to do) It's really cool to bear witness to all this--and I can't say I'm free of envy about it, either :)

[@wendi2819]

Forrest, I always think what I would've given to have had a parent like Rick. And you are a beautiful soul and son. Your podcasts have helped so much. Thank you so much.

[@leahlum9251]

Beautiful Listen❤️

[@Rebecca0010]

I really appreciate your insight and experience sharing. I’m going through a hard time where I shut out people that weren’t helping me, but they think they are. Making a boundary about learned experience being a necessary element in being able to connect to people is real. Especially in college when you have to share what is happening. I didn’t know that complex ptsd was not really out there as a clarified trained unified understanding. And that makes me glad you are sharing better resources than the school was.

[@karmiahamilton7222]

You made me cry...again. ty😊

[@peopleplacesandperspective5564]

Very helpful! Thank you, and I’ve enjoyed your videos very much.

[@jeangraham5351]

Such great growth in humanity. Nice to see the future modeled here. Yes to those future podcasts, please.

[@karentennant9544]

Fantastic conversation, you two add just enough humor!

[@angeliquepotgieter3165]

Just love: "Give your inner dogs, many cookies!" Topic suggestion for a future episode - perhaps something on human attachment to animals / rescue pets after traumatic events?

[@anaantunes5863]

You 2 are so entertaining! A joy to listen 👏 Your interactions are so playful and healthy. So refreshing! What about dealing with regret for past actions? Connected with forgiving ourselves as well certainly.

[@margaret539]

Fascinating conversation! In the future, I'd be more interested in the relationship of mothers to daughters and fathers to sons than an exploration of parenting styles ..... and all of it is good stuff. Thanks.

[@steve13l666]

So beautiful, you guys have the exact same laugh. Made me smile 💚

[@eleacialos5724]

Thank you

[@denatasterephrem]

Can we get an episode of feeling stuck? or moving on when things don't turn out as we want

[@brittneyslightom9421]

You two are so adorable

[@angelcandelaria6728]

This one made me subscribe 🎉

[@ChannelMath]

just fyi: "commuted their sentence" means a reduction in punishment, not a pardon, much less a full pardon. love the channel

[@gamingcouplelife559]

Firstly you guys and your guests have been incredibly helpful to us, thank you. I wanted to raise a question/pondering though regarding Forrest's beating to the punch self flagelation point. Perhaps this is part cultural (I'm from the UK) but I notice in myself and friends with lower self-image or who suffered bullying that there is often a self-deprecating edge to our humour, almost a "let me jokingly point out my inferiority so that you don't do it in a more painful way" perhaps? Just wondered whether you think this related.

[@cal3908]

nice video!

[@holycompost]

Please make a transcript of the apology that started on minute 43. It’s worth it’s weight in gold.

[@13kika131]

Mahalo plenty!

[@user-hk4oh2ku8w]

Love is best

[@georgiasmyrniou6337]

I got late to this episode did you do the one with the authoritarian parents?

[@nileaugustine5882]

Book Called to Forgive by Reverend Anthony B. Thompson.

[@AndiAlexander1]

I know this was four months ago, but I love the idea of the series of being a child of certain types of parents. Have you dove into that yet?

[@angelcandelaria6728]

Wow! I had to rewind it to listen again! 🎉 🔥

[@capngrace84]

Good idea. How to end a family curse?

[@peggygarcia1131]

58:51

[@anitoroyan272]

The Turks carried out a massacre and I had to suffer the generational trauma.

[@sqrfoot6548]

Try stoicism. Might help.

[@anitoroyan272]

@@sqrfoot6548trauma needs to be acknowledged.

[@sqrfoot6548]

I just meant for your own inner peace. Not in a "just get on with it" kind of way. True Stoicism is a great discipline for acknowledging and healing. It's coming from a kind place.

[@anitoroyan272]

As an Armenian, I cannot forgive the Genocide.

[@samme1024]

Children of sexual abusive parents. When I was a child I was abused from the time I was a toddler. I was told that's how you express love. At 3 & 6, I abused other children who have tormented me more than 4 decades because of it. At 9 I interacted with a friend who told me it wasn't right and immediately felt awful that I'd been mislead for so long. Meanwhile the adults who did it continue to get away with it even after all these years.

[@samme1024]

PS, I dissociated from it which is confusing because I didn't know I was doing it but my subconscious thought it was what I should do. 4 years ago, a floodgate of memories surfaced and now I know what happened.

[@sqrfoot6548]

Love wiping the slate clean and disentanglement. But the other always holding you accountable. Ugh