How to Heal After Neglect and Abuse

[@savannahrogers7990]

I waited till the safe point to leave. Finally found people who listened in the state. CPS and others helped me with the process of getting out. If anyone would like a conversation of how I felt. Please ask. I’ll tell. I’m the person Zech was trying to help. And watching this that I just found, saw how far I came.

[@staceystrukel1917]

I am so proud of you. ❤

[@savannahrogers7990]

@@staceystrukel1917 Thank you. Me and my ex are getting divorced and I am about to move and start over with my kids now.

[@lala5061]

🤗❤

[@dahliacheung6020]

I am soo glad you got out. You deserve all the best and I hope you are allowing yourself that.

[@elizabethbrown5289]

I am glad you are safe

[@nomadic_orthodox]

People, psychologists included, don't understand that as a victim of abuse, you're in some cases more afraid of being alone and exhausted with paperwork, court dates, authorities, and child services than leaving hell or call the police. It's not rational.

[@The_Mim]

Thank you. I'm in this spot now in my life.

[@di_kid00]

You're right. It's sad, but abuser instill fear within their target to control them. Like that research of scientists poking dogs with electric pokers. The poor dogs who got shocked would shiver in fear and would not try to escape or run away, even when the cage is left open. And when I was a kid, I was like a shivering, caged dog. Beaten and afraid to tell anyone, because it was made to be normal and the child's fault for getting brutalized. Sadly, it wasn't until I was 24ish that I realized it was abuse, so I never got to call for help. Funny how the traumatized brain work.

[@sometimesising1016]

​@@The_Mim Please get out. I know it's scary but you were not created to be abused. I'm sure a family member or a friend will help, or call a church and ask for help. It seems hard, but in a few months it will be so much better than where you are now. Please get help and get to where you are safe.

[@sackettfamily4685]

​@@di_kid00learned helplessness is definitely a thing! Once you recognize it, that's the biggest step to getting out. Then you have to figure out the appropriate responses to the problem/situation.

[@nomadic_orthodox]

@@The_Mim So sorry to hear that. I could say 'get out there' but your head already knows that.

[@m.h.8084]

Tickling can be abuse, or a signal for future abuse. When we had disagreements, he started pushing me down, and forcibly tickling in a way that became very unpleasant. I was telling him to stop, it's not funny. He keps going. I was now forced to be laughing, my abdomen hurting, and getting angier, but completely powerless. He was twice my weight and 7 inches taller. It was nasty, and even nastier because of its insidious nature. If I were asked by someone what happened, I would have had to say that he was tickling me, which doesn't sound harmful, and may even seem endearing. And it was one of the first signs of his enfocement of control over me.

[@nevadatan7323]

It can be anything that intentionally and or repeatedly crosses a boundary

[@alisonrobb3136]

Wow !! That's unusual but I can imagine the torture that must have been horrendous, I hope you got rid of him xx.

[@allydea]

It would be nice to have some follow-up for some of these cases. See if any advice helped.

[@savannahrogers7990]

I’m the woman mentioned in the second call I’m doing well now

[@maiaheiss2991]

⁠@@savannahrogers7990oh wow.... so happy to hear this. ❤

[@brightpage1020]

Yeah we need a follow ups show! Like once per quarter would be cool.

[@brightpage1020]

So glad to hear you are doing well! Cheers to your health and success! Was it Dr. D.’s advice that helped you? What has been the most powerful and effective aspect of the positive changes for you?

[@savannahrogers7990]

@@brightpage1020it wasn’t this actually. My friend actually told this behind my back and tbh I wish it was kept private. But I got out after I had the support from CPS and Law Enforcement.

[@tg8285]

I love this show because it is so honest, between the people calling in with their brave honesty and Dr John for listening and giving the most direct and honest answers back. I appreciate that more than anything. Real people, real conversations, real problems and dilemmas and receiving real advice. Amazing. ❤❤ I am so glad I found this show. Thanx for great episodes.😊

[@ilsevdg1194]

Amen! ❤ Well put!

[@hansonallie]

I guess I’m old school, but I like the calls better than the “facts are your friends,” lightning question answer segments… I’m curious about how other people feel about it?

[@jeradkiester698]

John's story about the coworker cry-raging about a throwaway comment in a meeting is the tip of the iceberg with modern uses of "abuse"

[@Maria-jo6nn]

Dr John You do such good job on advancing people Love to listen and always get something out it or something I can relate from the past or present or learning for my future .

[@ilsevdg1194]

I completely understand the second caller. At least he cares. And he got very good advice from John. It's hard dealing with **""""*[BEEP]. But you can do this! You're going to learn so much from this.

[@cynthiawarren9379]

Enjoy your show!!

[@ebonycuevadiaz]

You are too funny! Thank you for your good advices in this greatest monday morning!

[@olgasuner999]

Yes it is I feel as you are a blessing to any new viewer or a caller. You will do amazing and with your down to earth personality is noticeable .people value and have high regards for humble folks that they can connect with besides the title behind their name badge. In many countries specially professionals upon a meet up they would lean forward and literally stick their badge in your eyes. I always disliked that aspect of arrogance and ignorance I don’t see that in Western countries much. Keep up the good work. 👏

[@bffoxjr]

Zech is playing a dangerous game. If he keeps playing white knight, the boyfriend is going to assume there's something romantic going on, and there WILL be a fight.

[@savannahrogers7990]

Hi I am the woman mentioned in this video by Zech. Currently alive and well and moved on.

[@savannahrogers7990]

But husband is the correct word so it makes it more complicated down the road unfortunately

[@brightpage1020]

Totally greatest mental health podcast in the universe! Duh!

[@brightpage1020]

I will try this with my family. A lot of self help gurus talk about the power of words… we can use this.

[@melissazabower339]

I think one aspect that needs to be included in a definition for abuse is REPETITIVE. I don't think it's abuse until it's ongoing behavior. The singular can be wrong and warrant an apology but not be abusive. The opinion of a survivor who rolls her eyes very uncompassionately at people who constantly get their feelings hurt. I'm in counseling. I'm working on my lack of compassion. :)

[@hollystiener16]

It sounds like the woman that was rage crying after a meeting was triggered. It had nothing to do with what the guy said in the meeting that made her cry, it was some type of childhood trauma instead.

[@Maria-jo6nn]

I would suggest Al-non program so will help you cope with his addiction . I been in situations like that after years wasted in time to fix someone that if he only stop’s for you it’s not going to work abuse is hard 😘 I feel for you don’t settle you don’t have power to change them.

[@SS-in1ts]

Addiction takes in average 8 very difficult tries

[@Auntee-Sara]

My older sister with two kids under 2 was in a violent marriage constantly calling family, Save Me! at all hours and days mindless of the needs of others. Everyone complained but kept bailing her out UNTIL I, age 14, told them to tell her NO! No more calls, no more rescue, nothing until she was ready to leave and move forward including divorce. Honestly I was shocked they listened but they did and in very short time sister made one last call and not at 3am, moved out, divorced and moved on. STOP ENABLING INDECISION!

[@CC12398]

This is such a great comment. I hope you did or will go into a career where you make hard decisions to help people. Smart kid! Smart kid!

[@savannahrogers7990]

Not indecision but timing. And being prepared.

[@brennanleyen]

Takes the abused on average 7 times to leave an abuser.

[@savannahrogers7990]

@@brennanleyen dang only took me 2 or 3 but holy crap.

[@AgiGraycie]

Not all abusers are the same. Some are extremely dangerous. As a matter of fact the most dangerous time for the victim is when they leave and the abuser feels like they are loosing control. Some abusers end up murdering not just their spouse but the children too.Just because your sister made it out okay, so many don’t. A lot of people have no support system and they are on their own, usually with several children. Stop giving advice on a very serious topic, that obviously you are not well educated on. I am glad that your sister made it out and that she is no longer abused.

[@KittyM-]

Define abuse: similar to legal definitions of m bullying, with 2 parts. 1) Objective: Would a reasonable person say it's abuse AND 2) Subjective: Does the 'victim' say it's abuse

[@JustJulesM]

What part of the show was about how to heal???

[@briannahall7558]

the cops dont help

[@grateful7420]

The cops helped me. I called them once. Life changing conversations. They said, “your new to us. We havnt met you in this situation before. Most women in your situation we see over &over & over. So…. How many times are we going to come to your home for calls like this? Or are you done today?” They were kind yet straight forward. I never went back to that abusive relationship. I never had to call police again. It was hard as hell. 22 years free from that abuse.

[@savannahrogers7990]

They didn’t for me they said as long as I was married to my husband he can rip my kids out of my arms in Texas. So yeah you can imagine why I was anxious.

[@nectarzetlian9251]

Zech needs to stay away from a very TOXIC relationship. He has done all he can at this point.

[@savannahrogers7990]

Yes he was toxic. By the way I’m the woman he was talking about. Moved on

[@nectarzetlian9251]

@@savannahrogers7990 I am sorry I did not know the other side of the story.

[@j8246]

​@@savannahrogers7990I hope your child is okay and gets therapy growing up ❤️❤️ they didn't deserve to be born into that

[@savannahrogers7990]

@@j8246 I’m definitely going to get her into therapy. She doesn’t see her father much now which is for the best.

[@France149]

I subscribed to your KZbin

[@BitterComments]

I think the first woman might be able to fall back in love with her husband. My mother fell back in love with my father in the year after he got sober.

[@hollystiener16]

I think it is more of a trust issue. she needs to trust him again. I agree it is possible, but after so many conversations and so many broken promises, it is difficult to get trust back.

[@nataliestark8243]

Did that too... then he started drinking again... some seem unable to break the cycle.

[@grmpEqweer]

Once my trust is completely broken, I'm out.

[@luckeytexans7287]

2nd caller, why should she leave when you are doing everything for her? She's using you.

[@savannahrogers7990]

Excuse you I have left. Thanks

[@TJL-12]

Definitely too ten

[@tinam761]

The second call… I would be very curious about why Grandma has one of the children and refuses to let it go to the parents. He doesn’t have all the details there it seems. The woman is in a terrible spot … having a newborn and the health challenges she has had … to me, it sounds like she just wants help when she needs it … but not to leave the marriage. It is fair to set the boundaries as discussed in the show and if she stays with him and you’re concerned… call CPS … call the cops … it’s a difficult situation to deal with someone that does not want to leave. Talk to her … WHEN she reaches out again - ask her if she is ready.

[@hollystiener16]

They are not married. Just bf/gf.

[@savannahrogers7990]

@@hollystiener16we are married been for 4 years. Still legally married but separated

[@savannahrogers7990]

Grandma had the kid because she cherished her grandson so much at the time before finding out the truth lol. By the way the kid is my daughter. She’s nearly 3 and loved dearly. Had similar health issues as my second but recovered quickly. Milk allergies and metabolic issues are genetic in my family so weight gain isn’t so easy with my kids as infants due to high metabolism but inability to digest cows milk protein. My second daughter had gone to the hospital because she was constantly vomiting. I found she was underweight and had severe acid reflux. Also she had a tongue tie and an extremely high metabolism from her fathers genetic conditions. Our genes just don’t match unfortunately. My kids are happy beautiful girls but they had a rough infancy. I’m so happy to see how far they’ve come and that I made it through most of the relationship issues. Things are much better and my second daughter is now thriving❤

[@marrietvisser6195]

Don't take her in You will mess up your own household

[@Maria-jo6nn]

I think if she doesn’t want your advice I think you’re wasting your time put this waist Time to yourself and your family .

[@michaeldodd9260]

The second caller is delusional and filled with misplaced anger. Bizarre

[@sackettfamily4685]

But as a sister to the abused wife choosing to stay, I can relate to his anger. She is still with him after a restraining order and a yr+ separation period. They seem much healthier but we still don't trust him and she has our full support to leave for any time. We've had to choose to let her make her choices and she knows we all strongly support her. Currently they've been in intensive therapy solo and together and their kids. Which has been a big help.

[@dianegron]

Got to say this is the worst of your shows I’ve listened to. She’s (the first caller) fed up and can’t make her mind up, but she’s told she needs to keep investing into a relationship that has been torturing her for years. This episode felt like a, “Don’t be selfish, sign this blank check, your pessimistic outlook on this failure is bad. If you don’t go back to make yourself suffer again, this will end horribly. And it will be your fault because you’re judgmental and insecure.” What in the spherical world this is man? Didn’t listened her at all or what?

[@sackettfamily4685]

People in her position can easily go either way, which is why he tried to just factually cover both staying and going. And staying was way more complicated than choosing to get a clean break.

[@dianegron]

@@sackettfamily4685 Disagree on that.

[@hollystiener16]

I think Dr. John should've gone into the fact that the trust was broken and she needs to work on trusting him again. Too many broken promises and that is what she should be exploring. He has been "cheating" on her with alcohol.

[@bufficliff8978]

That's not what happened. Now that a year has passed I'm sure if you heard the call again you'd have a different perspective

[@desareecrane8734]

✌️❤️

[@TJL-12]

#1

[@jeradkiester698]

Caller number 2 sounds thirsty, can't fathom why his Valentine's Days are solo, yet some POS is railing the damsel next door.

[@hollystiener16]

I would say if someone starts cursing on your show, please tell them to watch their language. It is unnecessary and offensive.

[@heydude7796]

You're offense is your own problem. People in these stressful situations are not that concerned about their language or what others think about it.

[@savannahrogers7990]

Adults curse sometimes under stress. Get over it. As long as it isn’t directed toward Delony

[@j8246]

This isn't the FCC

[@carloswithac]

Second caller screams of unrequited love. Walk away, dude.

[@savannahrogers7990]

He’s a friend. He cares for me and is doing his best. He helped with so many resources.

[@France149]

I subscribed to your KZbin