How To Help Loved One With Addiction

[@kyootzee]

I’m the wife of an alcoholic/addict. When he first attempted sobriety, his family still opted to have booze at family events, so he couldn’t go. They chose booze over having him present. My family just holds their judgement and contempt for him as if he is the only person to ever traumatize me, as if they never did. His friends didn’t understand and thought he could just have a few. This is why I needed 12-steps. No one was standing in solidarity with us. Currently, we’re separated since I don’t want to see the demon eyes in case he relapses. He’s been sober 12 days. I want to go back to him eventually, but my family just wants me to move on. Only my therapist was the one who understood why I’m still hoping. He’s tried rehab 3 times. To me, that’s a big deal. That’s big effort. Even if he relapsed after all 3 attempts, I admire it. He’s never given up hope for his life to get better. It’s part of why I’m still in love with him.

[@celaena.celeste]

Mine just relapsed for the 6th time this year. I’m so tired.

[@ReRe-wd5sz]

My husband resents me because of the boundaries I have set in place. He either ignores me or treats me awful.

[@m_d1905]

The hardest part when trying to help is keeping your boundaries in tact.

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

The fact that David met you is a step that many families struggle to get the person too. Not all families live with the person struggling and they can discourage physically meeting with family. Trying to work with or influence a person through texts or very little contact can mean many mothers, brothers, sisters or in the case of separation in a marriage and still contact with the father of the children may be living separately it's beyond difficult. I also think the services you offer are really good if a person can get to the point of agreeing to seeing you, however these videos are globally watched and i think it's not mentioned enough the lack of good care, the cost of good care and yes help available free, but honestly we all know that in lots of cases more personal one to one is needed. SO many families have tried EVERYTHING, lot of what you are saying works in the situation of living with the person and grasping those right moments. Many families may watch this and be filled with guilt because of feeling they maybe haven't done enough. I just think this needs to be said in context eg if living with the person there are things you can do.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

They can only help themselves .

[@alangreene7850]

Just wanted to say thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome, Alan!

[@KristenFitzgerald-lu5kc]

I’ve been watching your videos over the past few months, I’ve shifted my mindset and am no longer trying to stop the drinking, trying to be supportive and not be the one he blames for everything. It’s not working! He’s spiraling into more binge drinking, and being angry and starting arguments over past situations & patterns. It’s absolute chaos talking to him & trying to make sense of it. I’m scared because it’s really taking a toll on his health, it’s not sustainable. I don’t know what to do!

[@Howardsfashionquest]

Awesome... Thank you for your concern. It is true trying to stop on your own is very scary and you can die. I went to the ER and told them the truth and where I was at mentally and physically and they jumped in to gear. I have been sober every since.. it's still an itch but not a rash it's manageable. Stay strong and know why your changing your life. That's what you use when feel off balance.

[@irisscreativehints3899]

My son has gone to two inpatient programs. Because of his state insurance these programs are not very effective and he lives or they let him go in 7 days. Here I am again with him and his addiction. He has given up. I’m so afraid that he’s going to die. I don’t function well with the fear but I don’t know how to help him. He goes into this awful rage when I try to help with digestion

[@NubianFloetry]

I really wish my family watched these videos while there was still time. My cousin was a heavy acholic who got into drugs. So much so she ended up loosing her leg and 2yrs later her life. I tried getting her help because she didn't shower for months. My family got so mad at me for helping her and did everything they could to stop me. All of them would say she'll get help when she's ready. Some even denied she had a problem at all. It's only been a month since she passed. But I won't lie, I still have resentment towards my family about this. So much so I didn't even speak to any of them at her funeral. I miss her alot. I know rehab is not a cure all but trying shows you at least care. Some people just don't know how to ask for help. I'm not an addict and it's even hard for me. Don't ever give up trying, even when it's hard. Because tears of guilt are even harder and they fall like rain.

[@Quartzone6145]

Bless you so hard for you my heart goes out to you.thankyou for your wise word I will keep trying to help my husband as hard as it is especially when he says nasty things when he's using. He's totally different when sober and that's the hard part.

[@crobinson9165]

My church group used what they called tough love on me. So did a friend of mine. She's a high ranking manager and very affluent. It was hard to ignore them. I tried to direct them to Amber's videos but I'm a nobody. So I'm dumb. Lol. Unfortunately the tough love thing has morphed into abandonment. The term "rock bottom".... Is one they like to apply too. It's hard to know when to help and when to pull back.. the problem with the traditional "let them hit rock bottom " method is that it doesn't appear to be working out so well. They are dying out there. I know a girl ( my son's half sister) who has lost both her parents to overdose and she herself struggles with addiction. I'm rambling but I'm just saying it's hard to stick to your guns with invisible intervention or craft when our entire culture is conditioned to call some of those behaviors enabling. Xthe thing that I recite to myself is that somewhere in one of her videos, Amber talks about the difference between providing care and enabling. She says enabling is making it easier to use or paying for it. Providing housing, food, dignity and love ( with limits I guess depending on your circumstances) are not enabling

[@monarene44]

I’d like to see a video giving an in depth look at building credibility and trust. How in the world did David do that? I think it was your team approach and the wife’s trust and credibility in your team as a support for her, and David surely saw the team as a wall of support holding him up. You really do have to get inside their head to motivate them to want to stop the addiction cycle, which is not unlike flushing yourself down the toilet if you don’t stop.

[@BusyAsABeaver72]

Amber, I gave been watching your videos for the last year. Thanks for doing them My 22 year old grandson who lives with my wife and I is in treatment for the 4th time this year. What do you do when treatment is not working? Once he takes a sip of alcohol he can't stop! I believe he will wind up killing himself from alcohol poisoning. What to do when treatment is not working? Nobody talks about THAT. The ultimate goal is to get your lived one to decide to go in for treatment but that isn't working.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a good question. Yes, the first goal is to get them to see the problem and take some steps to fix it. However, they have to do what they're taught in treatment. It's usually not that treatment doesn't work. It's that the person doesn't follow through with what they are told to do. Lots of times they convince himself that they can drink (or use) differently this time.

[@jd.1818]

And it’s the never evening cycle until it finally stops…

[@kingofglory2062]

I am so glad I found your videos. I am struggling with my husband who is an alcoholic and drug user. He’s also homeless. We live in separate places. He has been to several rehabs where he’s lasted about 60 days and then will take off. This past September I went to see him and the plan was for him to get I.D and go to a rehab facility close to me so I can visit him but he drank everyday we got into arguments I gave him back my wedding ring, cops came because of him being intoxicated laying on the grass talking to himself by Walmart. The cops were going to release him to me but he provoked the officer got arrested never called me once he was released and we haven’t heard from him since. I was ready to just divorce him and move on but should I try to help still. He admits he has a problem. He has said he drinks hard liquor everyday so it’s hard for him to stop but now I don’t even know where he is or if he’ll call. Should I try again to see if he wants rehab or just leave him alone?

[@crobinson9165]

I love your approach and your help. I think I prayed mine into rehab. And watching your videos helped me with what not to do. Keeping my mouth shut was so hard sometimes. But everything I had to say would just do more harm than good. Just thanks Amber. I know I'm not perfect. But I'm thankful for your channel.

[@crobinson9165]

I know now I have to really mind my tongue. Set my own hurt aside. The truth is he knows what he did. But if I'm not all in. I cannot support him. I couldn't do it without you. Or should I say he wouldn't have made it if I hadn't been watching your videos. All my friends and even my church was giving me all the wrong advice.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So proud of you! It's so hard to keep quiet when things are falling apart. It's not natural so it takes a ton of willpower!

[@theresan8880]

@@crobinson9165 I would like to know how you learned to set your own hurt aside. I am so angry and hurt, I don’t know how to do that. And I wouldn’t trust anyone at my church to give good advice either. Another counselor I listen to says , “healthy people live in truth.” This acting and pretending all is fine does not sit well with me. What happened to speak the truth in love?

[@crobinson9165]

@@theresan8880 I think setting hurt aside comes with practice. Probably a lot plays into it. As for as this particular situation is I had to decide which was more important; my pride or his life. And the realization that he probably isn't ( or wasn't ) aware of my hurt. I felt embarrassed and humiliated. His entire circle ostracized me. He would be quite vocal when he was mad at me. Told anyone and everyone. Ghosted me for a little over a year. While he was away I was addressing my own issues. I studied Amber's videos like I was cramming for a test. Joined an online naranon group. Listened to sermons online, listened to the sermon on the mount. And the overall theme was I had to forgive him, both for him and for me. The pain and anger I felt was killing me . He's eventually looked me up when he was ready to quit. While I was working on me, his social circle was crumbling. They were fighting amongst themselves. One of them ODed and they all got evicted from their homes. I was unaware that he was seeing a counselor. She + or he) told him to hang around with sober people..he was pretty sure I hated him but he wanted help so he inched in my direction. To be honest at first it upset me because I was trying to find peace and here he was jumping back in my life again. But I let him in and I held my tongue. I just tried to be his friend. Not his lover. In about 45 days he announced he wanted to go to rehab..he had even called one on his own and had them run his insurance. He's doing okay now. He's in there getting counseling and working his steps. I get frustrated once in a while because it always seems to be about him. But, he is working really really hard so I try and respect that.

[@m_d1905]

​@@theresan8880 It's a mindset you need to put yourself in. Keep in mind that it's very likely deep down your loved one doesn't want to hurt you. The addict does a lot of hurtful things to push people away because they are embarrassed by their antics. It's ok to be mad, even for a while. Try to keep in mind the addict is in as much if not more pain than you are. Do what you can do each day. Make and enforce your boundaries.

[@jenniferbaker5167]

Thank you for the constant inspiration Amber. I think sitting back and waiting for them to be ready is not the way to go, but a lot of us are taught that. There are so many things we can do that can aid them, not hinder their recovery. A fine line though that is so hard to navigate.

[@shonaguthrie848]

I’ve tried to be supportive, but I just kept getting smacked in the face

[@Nectarine333]

Same

[@shereewood6961]

Same here

[@Quartzone6145]

It's just so hard especially when you love the person your trying to help.know that your not alone .sending big hugs of support.

[@lip8995]

Same

[@rinina9452]

Ditto!!!!! Tried LITERALLY everything. Best advice I can offer is “mind your own business,” so you can hang on (or rebuild) your own peace. ❤

[@boparker4578]

I have watched a few of your videos now. I have a family member issue. Your knowledge and experience and style of sharing/educating is helping more than anything else on a number of levels. Thank you.

[@SandraGarrett-t3w]

My adult daughter is destroying herself and her family. How can I handle the quilt that I feel as her mom 😢

[@carlettesouthern-robert2992]

💖Thank You for your constructive vision and active work on how to deal with and overcome addiction!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome Carlette!

[@dianabasinger731]

Just the advice I needed to support my husband 😊.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got this!

[@noty410]

You are awesome Amber, keep up your great work. God bless

[@michaelhoward-eh2gn]

I am an alcoholic and I'm trying but the withdrawals are so bad I just want the symptoms to go away. Can you do a show on withdrawals. Also I'm not sure how I found you but I'm grateful. Oh you have a beautiful nose. I know that's weird but my mind is not it's self. I'm shaking and cramping, crazy panic attacks.... Help if you can.

[@m_d1905]

This is 2 months old, but can you afford to go to a medical detox near you? Stopping alcohol on your own can be deadly dangerous. Hope you are in a good spot.

[@rmabarrera]

My scary place is he is not alcoholic but an IV fentanyl and crack addict. His way gets him about 90 days abstinent, but his return to use terrifies me every time because that’s when he’s most likely to overdose. It’s happened before. Thankfully I’ve been home and it’s been regular fentanyl. But the possibilities terrify me.

[@Xrusha_]

Thank you, Amber ❤ Really needed to hear this today

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@rosarioquiroga8300]

Just want to said thank you🕊🙏

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@Quartzone6145]

Hey Amber I watch all your videos and you have helped me so much.i need some advice my husband has relapsed he was good for abt 5mths then went back on the drink and drugs it causes so much problems between us.i think I've worked out now he has a addictive personality. Is there anything I can do like maybe take a different approach in helping him.i know he won't do the aa meetings

[@deborahwandel6690]

Do the things said about the influence of family of the alcoholic generally also apply to long time friends of an alcoholic?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

As long as you have regular contact, these strategies can work. Sometimes long-time friends can be even more influential because there's usually not as much resentment built up as with the immediate family.

[@MyAUDHDJourney-dc3py]

Are there any subtle phrases that I can add to my blog posts that might be able to help pull if not both my cousin and his wife out of their problems, at least pulling my cousin out of his problem? His wife follows my blog and I don’t know if she shows him any of my posts. All I can do is hope that she does.

[@richardcuming463]

I need help. I have a stomach ulcer and I've been trying to cure it with alcohol. It makes me think i'm having a panic attack. I feel trapped. I'm feeling suicidal. This isn't me. I feel lost.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

We did everything we could to help my sister and she tried very hard at times but after the last time in hospital she seemed to give up we are wondering if the Docters said something to her I was kind but cross sometimes as well my sister hated being like that we feel guilt now she has passed but I know my sister had to really want it but the damage to her body may have gone to far we are waiting for test results my sister would not let us go to see her cause of embarrassment which I understood when I went to her flat after their was nothing more we could do for her the lure of the bottle is too strong people don’t need any more guilt on them we are devastated.

[@scarlet12234]

My husband recently admitted to me that he relapsed on meth after almost 5 years. He apparently developed a delusion that me, my family and pretty much every person he's close to was part of some conspiracy to catch him and have him arrested. I had no clue he was even using and I doubt anyone else did. I think he's stopped because he realized he was being crazy, but he seems to still not 100% believe that there isn't some grand conspiracy against him. I want to be empathetic because he genuinely believed this but at the same time, I'm like, "This is B.S. I didn't do anything. I'm the one who was wronged and he's acting like he's a victim because of an imagined slight that is a result of his own decisions." How can I handle this appropriately?

[@m_d1905]

Would he and you be open to counseling?

[@scarlet12234]

@@m_d1905 definitely, but we can't afford it

[@Iammercy2]

What about a meth addict, disordered thoughts and delusions. Walking out into traffic without looking etc...

[@a..r.9341]

❤❤❤

[@wolfpower1111]

Nope.

[@Girl_-fs6nx]

❤

[@villagesingappenneycooking6595]

❤❤❤👋👋👋👋👏👏👏👍👍👍👍