how to set boundaries & stop being a people pleaser

Being Kind Does Not Mean Having No boundaries. There is a big difference between holding the door open for someone and being the doormat they wipe their shoes on.
Self Respect. People-Pleasing. Codependency. Feeling used. Hot and cold toxic relationships. Learning to Say No… we’re getting into all that.
Boundaries affect every single relationship you have. From your family and friends, to your co-workers, to your romantic partners to your dog. And they can make or break your personal, professional, spiritual, mental growth. And if you don’t know what exactly your boundaries are, this video is for you. If you feel like you don’t have a strong identity or people don’t respect you, you overshare or feel used or walked all over, keep watching. If you feel like you’re always trying to save or fix others, keep watching.
Today we’re going to talk about what boundaries are, I’ll give you question prompts to self reflect and journal/diary about your own boundaries. We’ll talk about the psychology of where bad boundaries come from (childhood traumas, avoidant attachment style and anxious attachment style), the classic toxic relationships that stem from bad boundaries (victim and saver complex & people pleasing), how to set healthy boundaries and the friction it will cause once you start drawing lines for people.
Do you feel like people take advantage of you or you’re a pushover?
Do you have a hard time speaking up and standing up for yourself when others are making you uncomfortable?
Do you often find yourself FAR more invested in a person that they are in you? Do you feel like you jump to please people and yield to their wishes but people don’t do the same for you?
Do you often feel scared to rock the boat or upset people or let people down to the point that you let yourself down?
Do you feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time?
Do you find yourself bouncing back and forth in hot and cold extremes in relationships?
Boundaries are important because if you don’t put up these strong rules and you just let people slide with things that make you uncomfortable, that’s going to build up a lot of sadness, frustration and anger and resent.
You can start forming better boundaries today. Having strong boundaries is the glue of strong, healthy relationships with mutual respect. People will respect you when they see you respect yourself. And you have a spine. And YOU’LL see a change in your self-esteem, confidence and emotional stability.
I think I grew up in an environment, which is actually very common in South Asian households, with this idea that your parents are always right. Don’t you dare challenge them, disagree with them, bring another opinion to the table. And so that evolved into growing up and whenever I sensed the smallest tension in a conversation, just giving in -- totally yielding to the other person just to stop the conflict. Doing whatever they wanted even if it made me uncomfortable.
… Soo, what does that lead to? That leads to being a people pleaser and letting people walk all over me and holding the door for them while they do it. When you don’t set healthy boundaries, you signal to others that you don't know how to say no. This leaves you vulnerable to attracting people who want to control you.
Another common dynamic that isn’t discussed as often is the victim and the saver. And comment down below if you identify with any of these dynamics. Guys, the thing about bad boundaries is it often comes from wanting to be loved and needed. So for the savers. The people who take blame for other people’s emotions and actions and are always looking to save someone. Because they believe if they can “help” or “Save” their partner, they’ll receive love and validation and feel important. They get their value from helping others. Savers feel the need to be the white knight and they often feel guilty about not doing enough.
And who do savers attract? The victims. The people who blame others for their own emotions. So this looks like a partner saying “You make me so sad when you go out with your friends. You’re the reason that I’m so sad.” Because they believe if they play the victim and put the responsibility on other people, someone will come and save them and give them the love they’ve wanted.
And then the saver takes on that responsibility because they want to fix, fix, fix. Just like the people pleasers, they want to please please please. This is a common dynamic that exists in relationships with poor boundaries and codependency. They often end up together because their partner allows them to play the role they want to play. This is a codependent relationship.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” -Brene Brown
We'll go on to talk about how to step by step set boundaries, what to look out for and what to expect from others when you finally stand up for yourself.

[@yannick3616]

So many gems. Parents who think they're always right and want you to stay the same, bosses who don't respect your time off, people who you thought were friends but were actually using you. Boundaries allow you to give yourself space, time and grace and some people have never set those standards for themselves so it's understandable when they overstep with you. Great job. I will be watching over and over.

[@itsgivinggrowth]

thank you for watching! 💛

[@Bodiecollections]

Also recognize the people that will intentionally cross your boundaries .. Get rid of those people. They're normally predators in some sort of way. Speaking from experience

[@videoisback]

Young mama! I’m a 42 year old man who found soooo many gems in this! I sent to my 15 year old daughter something me and my wife have been PREACHING to her!!! Thank you for this video!! You’re very wise! I’ve watched other videos and pat you on the back!

[@itsgivinggrowth]

That is so sweet! Thank you!!

[@deonsettle1355]

“Being Kind, does NOT mean having no boundaries.” 💯

[@cazimim3375]

No way cut these toxic demons off asap they are unlikely to change or care to change

[@samantha6670]

" Standing up for myself brought on hell". 💯 ! This sounds familiar, though It costed me jobs, it gave me peace and restored my health. Wathever the position is, it does not worth one's well being. #Strenght

[@itsgivinggrowth]

🙌🏾🙌🏾

[@emmaalicemackintosh375]

the name of this channel is genius

[@itsgivinggrowth]

LOL thank you! 💛

[@trishlee7214]

You're gorgeous!!!!

[@itsgivinggrowth]

omg thank you! 🫶🏾🥹

[@wilsonpatterson]

I Love This.

[@westfield90]

I’m so glad I found your channel

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Welcome 💛

[@kallandh97]

I have been watching your video for a couple days and when I tell u I’m ADDICTED!!’ This is great knowledge !!

[@itsgivinggrowth]

omg thank you!! 💛

[@cazimim3375]

Boundaries that are healthy are protecting yourself from these sadistic parasites

[@yolandakhubayi3680]

You are so clear and you well spoken

[@itsgivinggrowth]

thanks so much! 💛

[@jillianbalt]

Thank you for this video, I appreciate it! ❤

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Thank you for watching! 💛

[@NCardude]

I LOVE your channel! The first vid I saw of yours was on social media, and its harmful effects resonated strongly, and now this! You have a new subscriber. I definitely look forward to the day you surpass the 100k subscriber mark. Even the older crowd can benefit from this because some of us are slow to learn 😂. Keep doing you. This valuable content!

[@itsgivinggrowth]

omg wow thank you so much! I really appreciate your support 💛

[@yolandakhubayi3680]

Thank you

[@thereallevi9543]

What I’m going through now 🔥🔥

[@guilhermepessoa2392]

nice video. thank you

[@TJ-nq5nt]

I always have to add this to your video. To speak your mind rock the boat you have to accept its a lot of people wont like you.

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Agreed!

[@basrinosirat9522]

Can I like this more than once? 🥺 I needed this so badly

[@itsgivinggrowth]

🫶🏾🙏🏾

[@cazimim3375]

Most people want slaves not love... and they are not understanding if you try to bring a valid argument

[@cheryl100761]

Omg such insight.... You spoke to my soul... I recently fell out with a friend of 20+ years simply because I established boundaries that where desperately lacking in our relationship. The amazing thing is her not being in my life feels so amazing 🎉

[@itsgivinggrowth]

🫶🏾

[@mac0219]

Same thing happened to me with a friend of 15 years. I was sad for a long time because I really thought our friendship was real and stronger than that, but the fact of the matter is that it obviously wasn’t. It was a hard pill to swallow, but now that I have fully accepted it, I also realize that they were simply using me for personal gain and will continue to do that to every person in their life, so it’s their loss because I am a REAL ONE and that is rare 💎

[@BruceLeon83]

This is AWESOME. Very informative video. Thank you for posting. It really resonates with me. Keep going. Subscribed. 👍🏾😌

[@itsgivinggrowth]

I appreciate you!

[@ekowmotivation]

I love your channel and it has inspired me to improve my Motivational channel.🥰

[@itsgivinggrowth]

❤️❤️

[@moonskumg1433]

Honestly I feel like my biggest bullies are my parents

[@itsgivinggrowth]

😔💛

[@Zoeforever]

Same. And my sister

[@tamikabrown8539]

Same

[@rocksoul8874]

I truly enjoyed your Video. Your content is so precious. Thank you so much for sharing

[@itsgivinggrowth]

thank you so much! 🫶🏾

[@amaliafunk5833]

You are most welcome 🙏

[@cazimim3375]

Still not fucking sleeping fuck me this problem is getting out of hand but watching intellect and maturity in anyone especially kids always energizes me

[@raviilakra]

Ok. But You're so pretty!

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Omg thank you 🥺

[@evaollie9208]

People pleasing is also a form of manipulation

[@BornAgainNewCreature-fg3pr]

Hello, beautiful ma'am. Good advice.

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Thank you for watching!

[@BornAgainNewCreature-fg3pr]

@@itsgivinggrowth You're welcome ma'am.

[@cazimim3375]

Man I am sooooo weird I am not a fake nice person fake people pleaser but without a shadow of a doubt I set myself on fire to keep the world warm while dealing with my health issues but I am recovering from that

[@cazimim3375]

The grace period is one and done anything less is foolishness

[@Inspirationdiaries]

❤

[@shriyash_patil]

"Make them uncomfortable" Nah Girl Nah this is not the thumbnail you should keep. This video should be more about to say NO. Making them uncomfortable is surely not one of our goals. Good video though, I appreciate smaller channels making videos like this.

[@rosemarie3047]

Great job presenting your views on boundaries. It is not an easy topic, nor an easy thing to do if one has to change preset habits and behaviours. As a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ, I have studied much about the concept of boundaries, and have come to many of the same conclusions as you have. Jesus, the God/man set boundaries and was so not a people pleaser. He is not only our example but the source of wisdom and strength for us to know and set boundaries too. Yes other people, especially Christians will not be impressed and throw around scriptures about "loving your neighbour" and being a servant of all, sort of thing. But true love seeks the best for others, and desires to help everyone become more like Jesus. It is not loving to let people dominate or manipulate others, or dominate and manipulate us. It is not loving to allow people to be rude, unkind, unloving, etc. to others or to us. How is that helping them to mature and grow up? It is not. So, setting boundaries, yes, protects us and guarantees that we are respected, but it also helps the other people to be challenged to act more responsible and treat others as they would want to be treated themselves. You are a gifted teacher and speaker, and I do enjoy your content...even as an "older" person...insert winky face...

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Thank you for this! 💛

[@TexasJosh47]

I want to be your friend ❤

[@cazimim3375]

Im 1337 years old

[@appleapplepiepie]

Are you Sri Lankan? Because the part about the parents being right always & never being open to discussion is so Sri Lankan 🥲

[@itsgivinggrowth]

I’m not but I believe ya lol

[@cazimim3375]

Man I don't want a relationship but u are baiting my sapio side which dominates

[@dimitarkandev7349]

cat

[@TonyTheTiger1000]

Shit I was hurt badly by a lot of people

[@itsgivinggrowth]

You are loved

[@LamyaaMuhammad]

💙💙💙💙💙

[@itsgivinggrowth]

💛💛💛💛

[@ha_xsa]

do you think this is a toxic friendship and i should get rid of her??👇 I have a friend who everytime i message calls me saying oh someone did this to me someone did that to me for 3 4 hours and talks about the same topic everytime. And also whenever she sees that i'm online she will immediately call me and if i won't pick up she would get mad at me and will make me feel guilty. she acts like she owns my free time. So could you give me suggestions on how i should set boundries here and tell her that i'm not okay with it and every time i'm online doesn't mean that i have to pickup her call and listen to her for hours.

[@itsgivinggrowth]

That doesn’t sound healthy. Your free time is not up for grabs! I would say something like I want to be here for you and support you, but I also need to take care of myself. That means having my own time and space. We can set times aside for our conversations and I want to help you when I can but I would appreciate it if you didn’t assume all of my free time is available for those chats

[@cazimim3375]

What's your astrological birth chart

[@cazimim3375]

Oh my god the psychopathy we grew up in....

[@cazimim3375]

Nah that's where you are wrong young one stop coping even though it's painful.. most of these vampires are sadistic

[@cazimim3375]

The majority of the demons in the kali yuga don't want others to be happy or have justice

[@cazimim3375]

Most people pleasers are manipulative and hateful but I definitely am not a people pleaser but I definitely set myself on fire to warm the world cause I am reckless as shit at times

[@cazimim3375]

I know that sounds fucking weird

[@Liv-db7so]

This is such precious information coming at the right time, thank you so much! 🫶❤️🙏

[@itsgivinggrowth]

Thank you for watching 🫶🏾

[@TJ-nq5nt]

I just found your channel what all ethnicity are you. But about the video. If a person dont stand up for your self. Its always someone who would run over you.

[@cazimim3375]

The majority are sadistic demons this is the kali yuga

[@cazimim3375]

My age range and the younger generation ( 28 btw ) have this weird dichotomy they are getting dumber kind of but not really

[@cazimim3375]

This is more real self improvement than the things the young men and women are taught by fkers

[@cazimim3375]

What are your goals in a lot of ways I am a genius. I'll lead you to faster success more efficiently

[@cazimim3375]

You could find love but you will need to giga luck out... money will always be easy as a woman with or without degeneracy

[@willnash568]

I would make a comment what I think but u seem to like ignoring my comment...