How to Stop Addictive Thoughts About Someone Bad for You

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“How can I stop addictive thoughts about someone who’s wrong for me?”
When we really like someone but know there are signs of problems, we’ll often overvalue them for their charisma and charm . . . and set ourselves up for massive future heartbreak.
If you find yourself getting fixated on someone too quickly-trying to make them fit into a relationship based on who they could be-then watch this week’s video (taken from my Live Retreat) to figure out when someone is truly worthy of your investment.
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Blog → www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 2:37 - Thinking of Someone Who’s Not Right for Us
2:37 - 3:32 - A Relationship Requires THIS
3:32 - 5:39 - Overvaluing Someone’s Initial Charm
5:39 - 7:28 - An Incredible Time vs. an Incredible Investment
7:28 - 9:24 - Constructing a Story
9:24 - 11:17 - Attachment Styles
11:17 - 13:51 - Recognizing Addictive Thoughts
13:51 - 15:17 - How to Make Your Dating Life Easier

[@martine5716]

Limerence is one of the hardest things to get over because you're effectively breaking up with your imagination🥺❤️

[@TheRoxlight]

Limerence is so tantalizing destructive. The dopamine highs are so addictive that we become an emaciated Gollum to the breadcrumbs left by our L.O.

[@cazadoo339]

I've been going through it for over 2 years since I split with my toxic ex. It's torture that only I can stop but don't seem able to. It's awful

[@alanidron2133]

Beautifully said! This may sound funny but Do you write poetry or lyrics?

[@martine5716]

@@alanidron2133 no but I did an associate degree in creative writing to get into psychology and damn, did I write a good love story🤣

[@martine5716]

@@cazadoo339 I feel for you🥺❤️

[@kimberleyayache5408]

‘See it for what it is, not for what you want it to be’

[@micap1121]

1. For the same reason addiction exists- an environment that is not stimulating enough. Commit to the work of creating a world that you enjoy living in. Remember there are other options that you haven't tried yet.

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

Yeah, people have to learn to let go of the addictive thoughts because they're just an addiction to the addictive thoughts themselves, not to reality. Mathew has a great way of putting things into perspective! 😊

[@micap1121]

@@Analysis_Paralysis if you don't have a good place to go to, you cannot let go. My point is that place needs to be created, and you're the only one who can do that. With the help of some people of course.

[@micap1121]

@@Analysis_Paralysis also, addiction is not "just" an addiction, it's a very real and dangerous slope, and people "have to" but they don't- it is that hard. Acknowledging the graveness of this issue is the first step to making an actual change. 😊

[@jenninemorel7693]

Not just boredom or lack of stimulation; loneliness is a huge factor in these situations

[@micap1121]

@@jenninemorel7693 loneliness, oh yes. Again, surroundings. Boredom is not a thing, I'm talking about meaningful stimulation, not the kind we get from watching TV

[@Texgirl369]

The addiction is so real. He is charismatic, always upbeat, movie star looks, PhD research scientist but there are multiple deal beakers too long to list and he has more baggage than an airport. We have broken up, but I'm a still a junkie craving a dopamine hit. Can't get him out of my head.

[@theprousteffect9717]

It's quite easy to get addicted to a fantasy of another person, and even to the fantasy version of yourself with the fantasy version of them.

[@joannejackson772]

Owch, that hit home 😞

[@Coolgirl1309]

It's easier said than done. *LIMMERENCE* is not just about stopping obsessive thoughts over someone. It's rooted in childhood, in trauma from neglected or abusive parents. If you don't heal *childhood wounds* , you will continue to obsess and fantasize.

[@marie-clairetartaglia5559]

😮 I think this is correct

[@podsada1977]

Exactly, it is obvious what Matt is saying. But the real question is WHY we do it? Why we need to create those fantasies and fool ourselves and recreate same thing over and over again. You got it @coolgirl1309

[@sylinastill644]

But how? How to heal those wounds

[@mhaas281]

How do you know if you were neglected or abused? I have no memory of abuse or neglect but fall into the trap of being addicted to someone.

[@Carolina-fx2mz]

@@mhaas281I think it may be helpful to see a specialist (like a psychologist), there are many different scenarios, for example it might also be that even though your parents were present physically present emotionally you didn’t feel supported / wanted. Or there may be other factors..!

[@aha2507]

It seems like Matthew speaks mainly to women. But as a man, I like to watch his videos and they have "helped" me too. We men have the same problems when dating, the same fears and make the same mistakes.

[@charlottebruce979]

I agree, I've told my son to watch him, he's brilliant for men too!!

[@aprilhoffman3090]

Wish these coaches would address these matters to everyone, not to men or to women specifically/separately.

[@janetteclarke9284]

I noticed the audience is women. Is that deliberate or is it that women....like me... suffer these issues more ?

[@JustThatOneRandomGuy]

Love this for myself too. It’s just sad that I finally got the courage to sign up for his retreat next year and set up a phone interview, only for the nice interviewer to remind me that this is only for girls. I’m like: why? There’s something so universal about what Matthew says and does why does it have to be limited to women?

[@charlottebruce979]

@JustThatOneRandomGuy Exactly, I've given the same advice to my son as Matthew would. Women can be just as toxic, ghost, and hardly text. These are the problems my son has had!!

[@silverreins3501]

Charm is a skill. It definitely does not show who they are.

[@QualityIsQueen]

I now realize that my worst mistake is the illusion of what someone can be. I also never want to lose that. I need to be better about communicating expectations and letting their actions show me their place in my life.

[@michaelharrison5564]

The romantic idealism kills me, all the signs are there that I’m not valued. I’ve overcompensated so much probably cause of childhood trauma. There’s still this part of me that can’t let go. Logic vs heart. It’s torturous.

[@KatjaIsberg-ck3mt]

Mua ei vois vähempää kiinnostaa yksikään hyväksikäyttäjä ei yksikään jolla ei ole edes tunteita mua kohtaan ja käyttää mua huvikseen hyväksi. Kuolisit vaihokas

[@yiyiskinny]

But there are a lot of people struggling with trauma bond or unsecured attachment styles. Like intellectually they know the person who ghost them are not good, but emotionally and psychologically they don’t know how to break the trauma bond and that’s why they still ruminate about the wrong person.

[@KatjaIsberg-ck3mt]

Ymmärräkään helvetin näköiset wannabeet hyväksikäyttäjä vaihokkaat että mua ei vois vähempää kiinnostaa antakaa mulle parempi kuin rauha joka vitun vaihokas ja homot ei mun elämää määrää ja kerro mulle ketä mä saan ottaa ja ketä en. Itse perkel olet vaihokas ja sun huoras ja voi kun teitä puskin vaan yksi feikkiperhe mutta vähintään 7 feikkiperhettä hyväksikäyttäjä vaihokkaita ja se noita emäsänussittu joka on mun elämän tuhonnut kuolisit emäshuora isäskyrpä, aina nait emääs kun edes ajattelet mua emäsnussu

[@CarlaJayne-jc5qz]

That’s my situation 😢 I have a trauma bond with him but I need to keep him block this time n push threw the pain 👍 I have to all he gives me is anxiety he’s lovely 1 min Evil the next n he hasn’t committed after 3 years iv waited n waited like an idiot took his abuse n abandonment when I needed him the most 😢I’m done

[@lindacoyle1554]

Matthew's videos appear at the EXACT time I need them....Thanks Matt....you are truly a God-send to so many people.

[@indigodp7]

I know..I I needed to hear that..

[@AD-hh6dd]

“Why do I have to convince you that going back to a drug is bad for you? You know!” Damn he’s right

[@FaithAnswered]

Watching his videos just gives me that reminder to not do the things I know not to do, a good kick on the behind is sometimes needed 😂

[@sueh4282]

2023 has been my year of studying Matthew Hussey. And it gets better.

[@amyhoover9]

Trauma has kept me bonded. Emotions make me feel things that aren't attached to reality. Astrology is unreliable because it's based on obscure ideas and thoughts that don't hold solid evidence and facts. In reality, I realize that I need to remove him from my life full stop. I'm done with the ups and downs of what keeps swirling around in my head. I'm done with being seen as a mutt. I am not his pawn. I don't want his friendship. I don't want his existence in my life at all....

[@gmurphy0170]

I left my 10yr relationship a year and a half ago. I’ve made some huge improvements but it’s still a struggle. Often times I wonder if I’ll ever be the person I was before I met him. It’s painful.

[@anjalinair2151]

I wish you all the best, you keep on it, you will be.

[@QualityIsQueen]

Truthfully you will never be the same, but that's also beautiful. Talking from a 13 yr marriage breakup I've come a long way and still have room to grow. And the breakup was my wakeup moment.

[@laurarocke6393]

No, you won’t, but not because of anything being in a relationship with him did to fundamentally change you, but because you wouldn’t be the person now that you were before you met him, because that person would’ve changed immensely as well even if they hadn’t met him. Embrace exactly where and who you are now cuz that in fact is who you are. That’s the reality of the situation, just as Matt is explaining here.

[@ckl5801]

No…we are all works in progress. You will be a new, wiser and better you! ❤

[@ellav9022]

You’re so good Matthew. Unfortunately no matter how many times I’ve watched your videos, I still have those addictive thoughts about a man who doesn’t want to be with me 😢

[@oambitiousone7100]

Dopamine is stimulated by just thinking about the person you crave

[@hannahvillasis]

I needed to hear this. He told me things he did for his manipulative ex just to keep proving to her he loves her, and she never does her part. But he does not fight for the chance to be with me. Now he dated me couple of years after her and I don’t blame him for putting boundaries. He should. But he said “I can’t go all in.” because we are both transitioning in our lives and unsure if we might stay in the same state in the near future. I realized that he was not that into me. Because it he was, he could have communicated that we can try to make it work, or at least invite me to go with him because I was willing to go. I have been obsessively missing him. Because we have good times. But I can’t be with someone who won’t fight for mu love and affection because I know how much value I can add to a relationship. so, again, Thank you for this

[@pizzelle2]

I’m here now. He’s been saying that he’s in a transitional phase and isn’t in a good place for a relationship etc but he bent over backwards and fought every single day to keep his ex in his life even though he admitted she was abusive and it was a toxic relationship. If he really wanted to be with me he’d fight for that too, but for whatever reason he just doesn’t and I deserve better. I needed this video also. Hope you’re doing well!

[@hannahaldeguer]

@@pizzelle2 *virtual hugs* We do deserve better. Things have been better in my life, now that I've been focused on myself. I hope you are well.

[@SilviSLittleWorld]

"I just can´t be all in" is the sign to? Run away, thank you for pointing it out again and again... somehow people have this thing in their (our) mind to think "but maybe the situation can change, his mind can change" ahahah maybe also not

[@nicolenicole6325]

Yesterday I spiraled back into a dark place after finding out my narcissist has already found a replacement. I can’t eat and what I manage to I throw up due to stress and anxiety. I’m so tired

[@anjalinair2151]

You are not alone, it will get better, day by day..it may seem now that your life isnt great but by next year you will look back and feel how far you have come... i wish u the best

[@michelaadinolfi2025]

I feel for you. You're not alone. Believe it will be better, although it may seem impossible now. Mindfulness meditation helped me a lot to stop focusing on painful thoughts, to return in tune with my body and learn to let go of someone who was very damaging to my mental health. You can do this, slowly the work you do now even in tears and sleepless pain will build a stronger version of you. Feel proud that you are walking away from his games, towards more loving and caring people, and towards loving yourself. Hang in there, lots of love.

[@dannycolwell8028]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m going through the same thing. She told me she couldn’t invest in anyone else right now, then immediately went to her ex fling.

[@nicolenicole6325]

@@anjalinair2151 thank you, I can’t wait to see myself in a year. I know I deserve someone who will love me like I do others

[@nicolenicole6325]

@@dannycolwell8028 I think these people don’t have the guts and emotional capacity to sit down and reflect after a relationship ended, they throw themselves to the next person because they can’t handle their inner turmoils. I pity this grown ass man

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

Mathew Hussey, and his kindness and empathy paired with insight, is the reason I value the opinions of an empathetic "entrepreneur" over the views of a callous "activist" who lacks empathy. Where there's true empathy (instead of callousness and manipulation/calculation), there's wisdom. I used to be one of Mathew Hussey's biggest critics 5+ years ago, but I acknowledge that his advice is humane and kind. He was able to adapt to our changing world and its modern challenges because he understands (and feels) human emotions. And he's decent enough not to exploit them, but to equip others to adequately deal with their own emotions and the emotions of other people to lead a more aware, authentic and kind / self-loving life. That's a huge accomplishment, Mathew!

[@sogiki]

He missing something-the cyclical question of whether the person isn’t meeting my needs because I’m too needy. Maybe if I had done something different he’d treat me differently. It’s not rational but the idea that I know my needs are valid, he doesn’t meet them and I want him anyway isn’t my reality.

[@poojamenon1815]

I wish I could tell you how much of a right time this has come to me at. I am saving it and listening to this everyday till I emotionally accept this. ❤

[@joannejackson772]

Me too!

[@stayhappylittlemermaid]

Power means happiness; power means hard work and sacrifice

[@anesit]

My fav love channel ❤you are life Matthew and the whole team 🙏👌🏻

[@monmonmo9]

Awesome talk that summarises how difficult it is to accept what's in front of you, glaring in your eyes that it's not right for you, but you still can't see it 😅

[@marianorris1081]

Left a 9 year relationship with the father of my toddler.was abad relationship but the love is still there

[@GVTarot]

Thank you 🙏 Saving this and will watch it many times so that I never go back to the way I was. I’m still healing and the thoughts are still there. It lasted 3 years and it made me feel anxious and abandoned most of the time 😔 I’ve learned many lessons and you have helped me learn them. Men need to take notes from you ❤

[@KatjaIsberg-ck3mt]

Kiitos, kerrankin jonkun suusta totuus. Mutta te identiteettivarkaat mä haluan omin käsin "käsitellä" niin että ne ei enää koskaan luule että voivat mua huijata ja pitää tyhmänä perkeleen wannabee vaihokkaat murhamarit murhaajat ja vihaajat raiskarit pedofiilit ,patologiset valehtelijat lesbot ja homot, mun elämässä ei oo koskaan ollut rakkautta ja mä tiedän että mä Ansaitsen sen kaiken mitä ikinä haluan ja toivon kaiken kokemani jälkeen mitä olette laittaneet mut käymään läpi saatanan vaihokkaat, mä vannon että maksatte

[@mo_6298]

To me it's one of the best videos from Matthew - informative, precise, direct and funny at the same time.

[@dr.zoyasharma]

We have these thoughts coz we allow our minds to play tricks and wr dont allow our mind to accept the reality of the situation. Awesome

[@cynthia8433]

Believe it or not...obsession and compulsion comes from something gone awry in our body chemistry! Specially our genes! Glutathione may be low! I love vimergy!

[@hiiiroobee]

This is exactly what I’m going through right now ❤ this video is meant for me to watch

[@oiriri8289]

thank you! i am healing from a breakup. kinda like a drug, been addicted to the other person a lot. more likely my favorite person at that time.

[@stabeyy]

Needed this. She cheated and I had to end things for my self respect/peace of mind

[@joybarton3460]

This video came at the exact time of what I am going through. The high and hangover makes sense. Thank you Matthew for making this make more sense.

[@d4darwin458]

Matthew is too good at this honestly like how does someone so young in one life time know all this

[@evyjay]

The same way Taylor Swift wanted to write and perform at 12 years old, start the work early and by 30s you're already 20+ years in.

[@inesm.3055]

Your videos literally save me every time, thank you!!

[@16bronzebow04]

Thank you! 😊 I needed to hear this.

[@debraabshire9291]

Thank you…I needed to here this today.

[@joea1377]

Thank you! This video really resonates with me. (I repeated this type of relationship/situationship too many times. I guess I thought I couldn't do better).

[@gemmathefitfoodie]

Thank you. You make so much sense, you just provided the metaphorical slap I really needed 👍🏻

[@user-oy8ey9hi9u]

On point. This presentation is an eye opener. Thanks for demystifying the dating landscape. I have over time learnt a lot from your videos. The analogy of illusion versus reality is exemplary. Well done.

[@whitetigerification]

Wow, perfect timing on this video for me. Thank you!

[@hedvikakadlecova9355]

Thank you, I needed that😮

[@cv947]

Well I'm missing someone with whom we shared the same body language. He was into hugging as i am and it is soooo extremely hard to find it these days. I know we didn't share the same values, he wanted to straight go to the bed ect BUT do you know how much touch starved we are? Just because we shared some great kisses, hugs and caresses, i feel devastated after i ended it. Because i never found this level of tenderness. It could be as simple as that.

[@ckl5801]

There is so much more to a satisfying relationship than just the physical side of intimacy. But yes, we are touch starved.

[@lipsticktattoos]

I feel this right now, the being starved of touched. I was with my partner for 6 years, he ended it at the beginning of December, so just over 2 months ago. He was the man I wholeheartedly believed I’d spend the rest of my days with. But the touch was always missing. I craved to be held, to be kissed deeply and passionately, the type you see in films, but it never happened. Since the break up I’ve been seeing this guy who gives me those things I craved, it feels so amazing, to have that physical connection. In those moments I feel desired. But I know the emotional connection isn’t there, not for him anyway, so realistically I know in my gut it won’t turn out to by my ‘forever’ but I can’t seem to let go, not just yet, I haven’t had my fill of being touched and kissed yet. So I have this internal battle right now between staying in this situation just to enjoy the physical closeness or leave to find my ‘forever person’. I can’t help feeling like I’m not meant to have it all, all at once. Either a physical relationship or an emotional one, but not both. Do both really exits out of the movies?

[@VeraSevo1]

Your "value" is "not go straight to bed"?... I thought values should be like moral values... sleeping habits are not "values" its just "habits"...

[@janvachek]

Thank you Matthew for this! Another video that helped me in a harsh times that I have lately ❤

[@annresnik6059]

Always such great advice!

[@eaintkyisinhan8763]

Thank you, Matthew I have addictive thoughts about him during these days but after watching your vd, I'm now realised I shouldnt go back to this situation and I have to be happy by myself.

[@paulafernandezangel6069]

You're a master. Thank you so much Matthew

[@bernicerodriguez6894]

This video explains so much. Self love journey has been painful but beautiful. Wishing you all light on your journey.

[@lisaosborne8635]

I am thankful for these videos

[@Leonardqh5kp]

Brilliant talk, going through this mental challenge now - I see light at the end of the tunnel

[@NivethaBalasubramaniam]

It’s a really visual reference. You are so right!

[@rossanastorani2730]

Yes yes I totally agree thanks for stepping out

[@nwachukwufaustachizoba6976]

O Matthew thank you so much, I needed this most this time ❤

[@poorvik7256]

Awesome......thank you n live you Matthew ❤❤

[@lauriemorales7605]

I am really struggling with this right now. Thank you

[@terriwhalen3618]

Spot on. This happened to me recently with a neighbor. I helped him and we had a fun connection, made future plans as friends only. He probably got overwhelmed by my attention and excitement. He ignored me. After 3 weeks he texts me. Long story, but I literally ruminated ove this person. Funny thing, I don't even want to date now. Lol! Now I am laughing at myself, learning the lesson. Your videos are great.

[@jayzee1412]

I needed this today, thanks!

[@rekhaparthasarathy3833]

Thanks, Matthew! Stay blessed. ❤

[@karanolson]

Matt speaking FACTS!

[@ishadhanda1790]

Thank you 🙏🏻

[@Ginge91]

Brilliant, everything so true

[@Cooniez]

Incredible time vs. Incredible investment. Profound 👌

[@Brianna-yh7iy]

SO GOOD. THANK YOU

[@terriwhalen3618]

I needed to hear this. Thank you! I believe I need to learn my approach because I am naturally friendly. I can truly enjoy my own self in these interactions and sometimes people misunderstand me. I need to tone down what comes naturally to me?

[@joanmu1053]

Thank you Matthew ❤

[@indigodp7]

Thank you.. I needed you hear that.. thank you.. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@crazyphoton5111]

12:29 this hits Mathew and is reassuring ❤thanj you ❤

[@lauriemorales7605]

I cannot accept it. It hurts even though I feel undervalued. We've been seeing each other for 2 months 💔

[@jeanniemedlock9493]

Seriously dope message!!!!!🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌❣️❣️❣️❣️🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@chiuchiuism]

this spoke to me on so many levels bc the guy i am seeing also has an issue w drugs and having a community of people who use drugs (he brought it up 3mos into dating and i was already attached to him). he said he was gonna stop but now 5 months into dating, we have established exclusivity w no labels i am okay with that but there's a lot of challenges w compatibility in terms of amt of effort to put in and i am realizing he is not my person but it is so hard to step away. i am doing my best and binging Matt's content to snap out of it hehehe😅 i feel like i do know what to do it is just too painful and difficult 😢

[@leilazakka688]

I really feel for you. It takes so much strength to get out of something like that. I was seeing a guy for 2 months when I asked him if we were exclusive. He said he wouldn't want to put a label on it, he prefers to just go with the flow. He is not scheduling dates but wouldn't say that he is not messing around with other girls. He said he was seeing someone else in the beginning but he stopped that (how kind!!!). It made me so sad, I told him next day that I can't do this. He couldn't believe it, that I would walk away from something so great and he believes good things worth fighting, asked for another chat, and basically said the same thing, that we are not yet exclusive. It breaks my heart but had to end it. I'm constantly thinking about it, I know I made the right decision, but it's sooo f* hard. Good luck for you. Hope you manage to get out of this. It is a constant torture otherwise.

[@cassiestevens8382]

Thanks❣️

[@awinikigoodness]

Damn Matthew you're amazing. I'm so happy I saw this video today. Thanks for putting this out.

[@fifyestrella6554]

Amazing ❤

[@Azhar2794]

I absolutely loved this! I am gonna listen to this various times so it gets rooted in my mind

[@henrydog5747]

I love it I think this Guy is Genius ❤

[@sepimajdedin3703]

You are amazing 👏👏👏👏

[@maryellen5842]

You are right!

[@KatieAus-gi9cu]

Hi Katie 😊❤️

[@cynthiawarner9443]

Thank you 🙏

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

Mathew has the same stature and confidence and the same way of moving and carrying himself as my brother... When I watch this, I miss my brother! 😊💗 I haven't seen him for months... 😞

[@KatjaIsberg-ck3mt]

Voi vitun vaihokkaat Jumalan tappajat kuolisitte

[@elizabethlozano1076]

The timing of this 😂😅 Spot on!

[@aprilhoffman3090]

Now I'm starting to wonder what isn't a dopamine hit in life that's enjoyable? I guess if it's healthy enough in your life than it doesn't matter, if it comes with great distress in your life and others than it does..

[@yurimaperez1145]

Yes that’s terrible, woman should get out quickly because he will never change

[@Narcissists.1]

Overthinking destroy our prosperity

[@chook7552]

Needed to hear this! Thank you!

[@sarahmohammedahmedsoliman2728]

كلام من ذهب❤

[@wendyclaassen4409]

Yes, That is so true and I always do it, run my imagination ahead of time. And later once the blindfold is actually off, I think to myself ok, but what was it that I really saw in this person. Weird but yeah, and I am the one who always gets ghosted or scammed. Was even thinking what the hell is wrong with me, am I attracting these types of guys.

[@user-jx9vb1xm6q]

So true

[@dsleiman]

You need to come to Montreal

[@erinleary5873]

A bird can land on our head but we don't have to let it build a nest.

[@adrianacroitoru4763]

What about the person who act like you want to but in fact he just plays a role trying to create for you a nice love story but behind all of this you can't feel his emotions and your mind says that can't be real. Where is the problem?

[@bobaygaming1978]

What happens when it’s the other way around? A girl that wanted to spend the rest of her life with me decided that although life with me would be better, she felt an emotional connection she never got over in the past was what she wanted… Even though it was toxic and unhealthy. I’m just confused and I wish she could do the work on herself to be more secure with herself and be happy where she was truly valued.

[@amyp9010]

I completely liked this seminar..I happen to put my money in other things...it's a thousand bucks right?

[@kc17131]

The illusion that someone will one day compromise cause it seems so easy but they never will 🎃

[@sandraitschner7118]

Matt, I really liked your videos so far. But not this one. So how do I stop addictive thoughts? With logic? Sorry, Limerence is going much much deeper. Logic does not help. Or why can a drug addict not just stop? This is way too superficial and unfortunately no help for someone who has limerence.

[@bibibamusxx]

Wow!! 👏 👏