Husband is Completely Disengaged in our Marriage (What Can I Do?)

Husband is Completely Disengaged in our Marriage (What Can I Do?)
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[@femckay]

That’s the kind of guy who is shocked when his wife says :I want a divorce “ and he says, “ what happened? I thought everything was going good.”

[@addiskassa5165]

I know, poor guy. Intimacy play a lot role in marriage i guess when it comes to creating the spark..then you don't see the problem that much...Love is the answer I guess,cultivate that! My opinions🙂

[@jessicalynn4415]

I’ve dated plenty of those guys.

[@MzShonuff123]

He will swear it came outta nowhere 😂

[@singerg02]

Yes!! They're ALWAYS "completely blindsided". No. You were just blind. 😒

[@showcase0525]

Yes. And that reaction will be accurate and valid.

[@capricornqueen5262]

It's mental load. It's having to think about the well being of every member of your loved ones but no one seems to think of you, and you're exhausted from it all.

[@gislainengarou8558]

Me

[@noellelane5229]

4 kids is give give give, exhaustion, and probably self care too. She's feeling like a hamster on a wheel not a woman anyone notices. Relatable

[@oc2538]

I don't think it's just the romance. It's the fact she does all the EMOTIONAL work. Raising children isn't just cook, clean, homework, taking them places and giving them baths. It's the time you need to invest in the emotional aspect when you have 600 other things hanging over you. When you need to focus on something else but you put that to the side to focus on your child's needs. Even if it seems stupid, when they are little the little things you take seriously will show them that in their teens you are going to be there. But that is time and effort and emotionally draining. She sounds drained emotionally. She sounds like when he's there he's a wall, he's giving the bare minimum.

[@RedBeardDevelopment]

My wife expressed similar concerns to me recently, though I can confidently say I’m more engaged than this husband is, I am still far from perfect but I did get to explain to my wife that when I do try to parent, or be more involved, or be in charge, I get reprimanded, overruled, or disrespected. It has happened so much that the part of me that wants to be engaged is slowly shutting down, which is why I started looking at my phone more, not being as involved, not being proactive. Without realizing my wife punished my efforts and without me realizing, I was checking out. We’re both working on our angles and trying to find common ground. Marriage is a difficult dance.

[@annc.3908]

From a woman experiencing the same as your wife: we just want that first year back…a little less extreme but we want the interest, the looks, the words, the drive to a common goal, the teamwork… we all get complacent or tired but if you want to save it you have to get in there and save it. I just printed divorce papers to fill out, we have no kids, 8 years, his addictions and lack of trying. I’ve been there so much and do everything here. I can’t anymore. Me is gone. He destroyed everything.

[@RedBeardDevelopment]

@@annc.3908 I'm sorry that you are going through that, you are correct and it is a two way street of jumping in and putting in effort, I myself am on my second marriage.. first one was a train wreck from the start. Best of luck.

[@Virtual_Geographic]

From a man experiencing the same but with 3 children. My wife puts our children first, so for each child, I was dropped down another level. She is a stay at home mom and sees the kids for everything all the time. When I get home, I would like to see my kids but also spend time with my wife too. It is quite disheartening when she cannot find time for the 4th (possibly 5th) person on her list of important people, and that alone is quite depressing. A wife who is happy, proud, content with herself and who engages properly with her husband, will always lead to a happy marriage with a good man. When she is not happy with herself or puts her husband as last priority, he will check out because everything he does, is not good enough. My take is that SPOUSES need to be put 1st in a marriage because they were 1st before the marriage and if that changes, problems will arise. Good couples putting each other 1st, will lead to a much happier and more motivated family and that is really important in your child's lives.

[@nicolcacola]

My husband and I have been together 20 years, married 15. At one point in our marriage, we were like this. My husband was passive with both me and our kids. After trying everything, I decided to try nothing at all. I asked him for nothing, invited him to nothing, made all the decisions (which I did anyways) without asking for input and led myself and my kids while he figured himself out. Over time he realized what was happening and took it upon himself to begin to lead. He didn't want us to not want or need him and of course I was extatic when he came to the conclusion.

[@nicolcacola]

@@elibaker8849 A husband who diverts his responsibilities to his overworked wife is an issue as well.

[@lifeseries7944]

I am with you....I am still waiting for mine to figure himself out, on my 5th year! We have been married for almost 18 years (together for 22 years). We have 3 sons who are middle & high schoolers.

[@nicolab2075]

@@lifeseries7944 Same with me, I waited for 15 years for my guy to turn the TV off. He didn't, and I left.

[@nicolcacola]

@@elibaker8849 Its almost as if you didn't read my original comment. Men are to lead the household. If the household is in shambles because the husband doesn't lead, you think that God will accept "Its because of the woman YOU gave me?" as Adam said to the Lord? No.

[@honeyhartmr]

Gosh, I'm literally right in this situation. Thinking I should stop trying. Just stop talking and engaging with him. Hoping he will figure himself out.

[@tinachristine4573]

This is the what happens when a low effort guy gets the girl. It leads to a low effort marriage.

[@kaylacunningham1631]

BINGO! When she said she fell into his lap, it sounded like he’s always been nonchalant. About her, the family, everything.

[@MzShonuff123]

When he said “You married a guy who’s six feet and he’s a six foot guy” that was the BEST.

[@dianaverano7878]

Low effort energy. From the start. Till many yrs. That man didnt take the lead role, right from the start. I dont think that man is a happy man at all. He doesnt want to date her. I dont think he is strongly attracted to her from the start, till the marriage years.

[@sanamo86]

Oh your comment is truth

[@redcolerealty9245]

You couldn't have said it better

[@kylemedeiros6907]

His complacency is forcing her into her masculine. She wants to feel like a woman once in a while. Why doesn't he date his wife. DR nailed it with this question. Fantastic.

[@whitneyw.7919]

Probably not going to happen unless she really steps back and takes a seat. He may "step up" in that event or he may not. If he was uber passive while dating, that's just him and she'll have to live with the man she picked. Definitely not a reason to break up the family in my opinion

[@whistlepiglet]

You’re spot on, Kyle

[@otsam1050]

I won't say his complacency, the guy sounds like a hardworking guy who cares for his family. They've just got different views on expectations, some people's idea of a good father is a role model, provider and protector not really the whole affectionate, date night, trip planning parent 🤷🏽‍♂️

[@willak79bud90]

You didn't listen. She IS masculine.

[@flyandshy00]

For men everything leads to physical attractiveness. He was never attracted to her, men who are, even the shyest one become a courageous one and go after what he wants. I think he married her as a coverup for his secret life, maybe it's sex, addiction to sex, he's constantly on his phone, doing what? Probably chatting with other women, he didn;t want these kids either, it was his plan to have them just to paint a picture and pretend to be a family guy, that way to portray himself in front of everyone as a nice man. He's the opposite of that.

[@toshrizzle]

I am in the same boat as this woman. She is describing my marriage. Im exhausted of being the man of the relationship and juggling everything.

[@taghazoutmoon5031]

her husband is the provider. so she doesn't have to be the man and pay bills.

[@thejuliasaro]

Your not juggling everything- perhaps your husband should quit his job to cater to your emotional needs then you can wonder how the bills and your Target runs are going to be paid for.

[@troublein8597]

Then stop.

[@elfascisto6549]

​@@thejuliasaro a man isn't just an ATM, women ahould expect more from their husbands than to just have a job

[@otismichael2583]

So stop

[@juliemoore6957]

I did all of this with my ex husband. He just wouldn't step up. I was exhausted from holding it all together. I felt like the tug boat, pulling all these ships behind me. My kids are grown and now realize how disconnected their dad is. 😢 It's heartbreaking to watch my sons realize this. My new husband has invested in my sons more than my ex ever did.

[@kaylacunningham1631]

Good for you, girl!

[@roses6564]

Wonderful to hear these happy-endings against all odds.

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

The question is how much did you take from him when you left?

[@jenster29]

​@@thechubbypuertorican917 her happy future

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

@@jenster29 IVE NOTICED THAT many women’s happy future usually involves destroying a man

[@ComfortingGrace]

I really do believe that controlling wives (women) have demasculated the men in their lives and add to the passiveness of those men. I came to this realization years ago that my controlling ways helped my husband to be insecure. I basically told him by my actions that he was not capable of taking care of anything. I think we all need to look at ourselves and build up our men, rather than tearing them down and always telling them what they are not doing well. It has literally changed my marriage in so many ways. My husband has so much more confidence when I step back and stop trying to control everything.

[@aliparker3]

This behavior by women extends to children too. There are mothers in my extended family that quite literally put the toothpaste on the toothbrushes of their children into their teen years. Some are just getting their licenses at 23 and lack basic confidence and skills. I refer to these women as Momagers, and they tend to do the same thing to their husbands. I'm wondering if the need to control the vision and narrative is a trauma response to something that happened in their childhoods (the case in my family). Almost a fear of letting go and allowing someone else to help make decisions. I'm lucky to have a 50/50 partnership, but I do have to check in with myself from time to time to make sure I'm honoring that agreement. Relationships are hard! Sending love to exhausted partners.

[@aliparker3]

@@elibaker8849 I think most rational people would agree it comes down to balance. It's going to look different for every family. But I have to tell you I laughed out loud at 'devouring mother!' It's the first step to becoming a crazed and controlling mother-in-law. When I was dating I was very attuned to son-mother relationships. One in particular sent me running for the hills, as they say, when I was told after marriage she would be moving in. Ahem.... What?! Is the 10 month old your first? Firstborns tend to be very independent. ❤

[@nicolcacola]

Women don't understand that the "controlling" comes from men not stepping up. It's the men who need lead, not women training them to lead.

[@johniii8147]

Good from you to stop being a Karen

[@jackcoleman5955]

My wife is currently divorcing me for exactly this reason. She is very controlling of many activities, and often belittled me. She Became enraged that I was too passive. But when I stepped out in leadership in finances, career, children engagement, she would be very hostile and refuse to make any change. She was right that I became too insecure and overwhelmed to pursue her as a friend and lover. I think both parties have to step into the uncertain area: her letting him lead and make mistakes, and him skating on the ice when he doesn’t always know the way. Grace and kindness along the way is a great idea, too.

[@allikep]

This woman is literally taking the words out of my mouth. This is my world. Less time together and fewer kids but 99% the same. We don’t want to be the propeller on the boat! We want a self-motivated man who shows his love for us from time to time!

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

have you taken the time to think that since he provides for his family that he is showing love? or do you want him to provide and spend 100% time with you?

[@Brett-ib9jz]

@@goldenknightsfanatic This, and, there were several moments in the interview where it looked like she may be emotionally shutting this guy down and not letting him show up because she wants things her way and only her way. They failed to explore that possibility. It could be the case with others who find their husbands disengaged, that they have shut them down. In my marraige my wife is overbearing and not willing to consider my perspective and needs and I know the temptation to just shut down, and yes she has made similar remarks upon occasion. It's a lot of work to contribute to a partnership and keep someone like that satisfied, because you are swimming upstream. They "want" you to be proactive, but boy do they hate it.

[@cugrngneer]

@@goldenknightsfanatic If a woman cleans house and cares for the personal needs of everyone in the home, she is showing love. So why do so many husbands who have such a wife, cheat on her when she's too wiped out to serve him. Especially, when he doesn't take any interest in her mind, feelings, expectations because he's too tired from his 1-10 hr job. How many men take time to think about what it takes for her to be on 24/7? Thinking about the clean clothes HE needs, if home is in shape that is comfortable and safe, what are HIS and family food preferences and intolerances that she needs to daily consider, or how she needs to budget household to stay within their finances, ALL falls on her weather she has an outside job or not. That doesn't even scratch the surface of the expectation of wives. Men will work and earn a living regardless of weather they have a wife or family.

[@cugrngneer]

@@goldenknightsfanatic If a man is only good for a paycheck then why do women waste their time when they could easily make their own money and have a fulfilling life with other people instead of the extra responsibilities of a husband ? (i.e. more laundry, cooking, extra cleaning and having to consider his needs first when she wants to do anything that might interfere with husbands expectations. ) Earning a living isn't love, how we share our lives and consider and listen to each other is what proves love. The give a woman a choice between a paycheck or being with you 100% of the time, she will choose the paycheck because only an idiot would say something like this "...since he provides for his family that he is showing love? or do you want him to provide and spend 100% time with you?"

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

@@cugrngneer lol someone got triggered

[@konradd.4023]

"A man marries a woman hoping she WON'T change...and she does. A woman marries a man hoping he WILL change...and he doesn't"

[@danaparfitt2491]

Or vice versa or any combination thereof

[@persistentlypathetic6820]

​@@danaparfitt2491 I think his comment is the more accurate one. Women always want to change the man...sometimes only in minor ways but still. And men hope and pray to God that the woman wasn't being fake the entire time up until the papers are signed.

[@mrhoffame]

Hmmm. Very true!

[@cugrngneer]

I married my husband thinking he was more intelligent, more connected to the human experience than he actually is. He underestimated the practical application of 'Evolutionary Theory" to the development of female intelligence. Are you saying that women continue to grow, but that men have an evolutionary reason for being stunted and growth challenged when they get married?

[@goldofox5111]

​@@cugrngneer Change and growth are two different things, it's more about women being unstable in general.

[@Onehottherapist]

My ex husband suffers with depression and PTSD. I felt exactly how this wife feels. I felt like I was carrying the relationship. I started to resent him. Resentment killed our marriage. I would tell him in detail what I need from him as a husband..with examples. It’s like his brain couldn’t comprehend it. He would do it for a week and then back to his habits. I asked for a divorce to relieve him of husband duties because it seemed as if it was killing him to do basic things in a marriage…like don’t watch Netflix at the dinner table with your family. He was checked out…so I gave him his pass to be free. I hope and pray this guy gets counseling and really define what it is he wants out of life. I hope this wife doesn’t let resentment set in but also take care of herself and kids. This is so sad.

[@Onehottherapist]

@UCp2amZbP5KPQ2Yg8cSiAfmQ I hope he is better off without me. I refused to compromise my wellbeing for someone who didn’t want to meet me halfway with THEIR healing. I couldn’t make him get therapy or try medicine. I love myself enough to not take mental abuse from someone committed to staying in turmoil. I hate that you were raised or adapted that thinking over time. You don’t have to cut off your head to save someone else…Jesus saves. ❤️

[@dearbrave4183]

@@Onehottherapist Good luck to you and your kids! I'm sure they'll do well with a present parent, who knows maybe the divorce might also make him want to be more present with his kids since he can't always be with them so the times they get to see him , he is fully engaged ♥️

[@theartofcute217]

Did he work? Was he in bed throughout most of your marriage? Was he putting everything on you? Not on purpose.. just expecting you to always pick everything up because he's never available even though, he's right there.

[@MsSullivan12]

This is currently my situation. My husband has been checked out for 10 yrs or so now. I’m struggling to keep it together I’m depressed, lonely, and all I want is him to spend time with me, help with some minor chores at home, goin on a few dates, have kinky sex etc. he just doesn’t want to do it at all and plays on his phone from the time he comes home till bed every damn day of our lives and I’m so tired and lonely 😞

[@darkma1ice]

@@MsSullivan12 no, you’re a hypergamous like all woman that craves “spark” and “romance”

[@dcambitionz2054]

I love the fact that john doesn’t automatically just blame the man and that he wants to get to the bottom of everything.

[@anthonylozano8035]

First time for everything

[@dcambitionz2054]

What i have noticed in relationships is that the females tend to lack accountability and think they deserve more than where they rank on the market.

[@strangeaslife]

@@dcambitionz2054 there is no market. What a POS thing to say.

[@rachelgooden9981]

This time!

[@otsam1050]

@@anthonylozano8035 you're right, that's for sure 😀

[@gemintherough555]

Classic!! The wife gets labeled controlling because she had to be the only adult handling responsibilities while her husband put no effort in. Just classic!! Husband makes wife manage the marriage and family, then gets to blame wife when things implode … GROSS!

[@Mags106]

That is exactly whats happening here.

[@chrystallee1563]

My ex husband was so immature and always wanted to please his mommy! I had to handle everything and work full time and take care of our baby. Yet, I got labeled a ‘nagging wife’ Will add, he never could hold down a job!

[@YesterdayJam]

Yeah… I really didn’t agree with John on this one. Does she let him do things? How can one let someone do things when they’d rather do nothing?

[@thelastminmom5251]

I agree!

[@garxgar]

Isn't that the whole point of being a stay at home wife/mother? To run the household? She's a full grown adult being fed, clothed, and housed for free. The LEAST she can do is manage that home and her children. But apparently even with her 7 days a week of free time, this is starting to get too exhausting for her. Imagine if he nagged you every time he had to pay for all of these family events you're so tired of planning.

[@joseCalderon1976]

Man. This lady pretty much described ME as a dad. I'm trying to change all that as I type this. Now to listen to the reply so that I can help myself too. I feel for her.

[@thomascarter8690]

How’s the change coming along?

[@marysaltlife1427]

That must have been difficult to realize. I pray all your changes have been improvements. GOD bless your journey.

[@Foxie770]

Find other successful married men to hang out with once a week. You need MALE friends to challenge you and inspire you to compete. Join a real gym, like RedCon1 and work with a trainer. You can change your life and become the man your wife and kids need you to be!

[@kbc1883]

Jose, I hope you are still working on your changes, that you’ve made good progress, and if not, that you seek out support to get going on it. Best of luck.

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

just go and look into your children's eyes and see the love they have for you. Depending on your behavior towards them is whether you get to grow old with a loving family around you, or alone. Choose the children

[@honeyfurfarm2182]

I love how guys will say "he's bringing home a paycheck" like thats the freaking bare minimum. Imagine a mother just feeding, clothing, and changing their kids diaper and then leaving them alone in a room all day instead of nurturing them and teaching them things. Like "she kept them alive what more do you want?" It's ridiculous.

[@Moose74491]

Yes!! AMEN AND THANK YOU!!!

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

most men are working at the exact same career they would be, even if they did not have a family. The family gets to benefit from it, but they're not actually physically doing anymore than they would without a family. A healthy normal real man does not object to supporting his family

[@patricew.4010]

Bull, you need to look up the Father wage gap, fathers work more hours than women and take on more overtime. Women benefit grossly from this. Also we women marry usually because of what men provide us, and most pay more than half the bills. Also that is literally all a mother and father do. Make sure the child makes it to adulthood. The rest is what we women make of it..​@@jeanninerossouw5921

[@vaska1999]

​@@jeanninerossouw5921 Exactly. I like your clarity of vision.

[@goldofox5111]

The problem is that many stay-at-home wives consider feeding, clothing, and changing diapers like a huge feat when it's the bare minimum, it should be no surprise to find men who think the same about their job.

[@FrankS111]

Our next door neighbor (in her mid 40s) felt this way. Her husband was an engineer who worked a lot, took care of the house, engaged with her and the kids, but it was never enough. She divorced him. She’s now working a full time job, miserable, and stressed out everyday. He is now happy and dating another woman. Message to women out there who have decent husbands but you feel this way…be careful what you wish for. The grass isn’t always greener

[@Jane5720]

It’s not greener

[@nicolab2075]

@@Jane5720 It was for me

[@johniii8147]

@@nicolab2075 Sometimes it is sometimes it's not. In most cases i've seen on couples that divorce it the was the right decision. But there are cases where it was not since one of the two was going through a rough patch that would have passed with time and work. It's a case by case situation.

[@DarthFurie]

My mother in law finally got away from her husband who was emotionally withdrawn and didn't treat her like she mattered. They've been separated for 3 years and that woman is literally glowing. She was like a flower blooming after she got out of that house. Try everything to save your marriage, but for some it's just better to part

[@tanyamilewski5700]

Well she wldnt have said it’s not enough if it was enough, there was something missing. And how do you know she is now miserable and how do you know his new lady thinks he is engaged enough? Some men think providing financially while you are minimally engaged or misbehaving or not treating her well is ok as long as you bring an income. In most cases it’s not; relationships take more than throwing money at it to work. If they have 4 kids they both need to be fully engaged with them because it’s a lot of work. and also find time for each other.

[@ez2u1]

I have been married 38 years and this situation is mostly my marriage. I can’t stress more how lonely unloved I feel. I didn’t leave because I was too scared to handle all the financial responsibilities. I end up doing that anyway. Now he totally resents me talks bad behind my back about me. to our married children. I don’t feel I can start over at 70 without being alone.. am still scared. This program helped if I could get him to stop lying to himself.

[@Wrag9182]

I hope things get better for you.😔

[@carolannstevens5814]

I want to leave mine at 65 years old.

[@donttreadonme2]

I hear you and feel you 100%. I'm 56 and afraid that I'll be alone. We've been together 29 years so I know what to expect ... "the devil you know" seems less scary than the devil(s) that may be out there. I hope you find something to make you feel less lonely... peace and love to you

[@donia7331]

This was a very good call. The way he tried to look at both sides and not simply blame the husband.

[@warpshield]

I have Asperger's, PTSD, and suffer from depression and the occasional panic attack. It is a very hard way to live. I don't wish this on anyone. My wife suffered depression and PTSD as a young child as she lost a few friends and family from fatal accidents. We are each other's coping mechanisms. We help each other get thru the pain.

[@sneakerfreak2002]

Oh this all sounds like a bowl of fun. So glad to be intentionally single

[@blueseptember2174]

It's helping lol

[@jillianwilliams1]

Woh! Melissa thank you for calling in. This is totally our story .I needed this advice . Hang in there sister. I'm a very motivated person and struggle the same way you do. We've been married 13 years too and have kids. This call was made for me to listen. I appreciate your bravery.

[@emaw-9411]

Interestingly enough, this sounds like the situation we had. I was the husband in the story though and the reality was that my (now ex) wife had her picture so firmly in her head that any action that I took was wrong. I helped with house chores but she got truly angry that I cleaned the floor the wrong direction... After years of this I decided it wasn't worth trying anymore. I did what I wanted because she was going to be mad no matter what. I played with the kids but not how she wanted. Finally she left because she wasn't "happy". That was 12 years ago and the best thing that happened to me and my 2 boys. They got to see love without conditions. Everything did not have to be perfect every moment of every day. One of my boys no longer talks to her (I truly wish this was different) and the other knows she has many narcissistic traits. I am thankful she left and I was able to show them, 50% of the time, that there is a different,more tolerant, way to live. I don't know if that is the case in this relationship, but I think it is a possibility that should not be ruled out.

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

Interesting how most of the comments are about the marriage, when her main complaint initially was about him not even interacting with the children.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

a man's purpose is to protect, provide, preside. If he isn't doing those three then he is failing as a man. If you're a wife and you think your husband needs to step up in one of those three things then be encouraging. don't nag or whine. give him compliments that direct him toward the one he's lacking in. that's all you have to do.

[@prolifemama]

I have literally said those words to my husband...."I need you to see this". So good. My husband is amazing but he can't see what he doesn't see. Sometimes he needs me to communicate what my needs are ♥️

[@richardv9648]

you need a boy boy toy, not a husband.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

all people need that, unfortunately women will just stay quiet and hate their husbands for not being mind readers.

[@denisevalley9021]

30 years and the same here will never change!

[@freeinghumanitynow]

Many of these husbands don't really want to be married and low key hate their wives. Here in America it's a common phenomenon.

[@larryrichins7887]

This is where I was at for 40 years now I'm divorced and happy.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My dad is like this. He always chooses the easy life. He's very passive. My mum doesn't like me because unlike my dad, i won't reflect back her rosy view of herself. My dad secretly hates me because im so much braver than he is.

[@mattier.9095]

Interesting

[@isaacott3230]

Wait until it happens to you. Haha! Oh- you aren't planning on having kids? Spermjacked! Try to do the right thing and raise and support your child? Psychological, narcissistic torture! Oh- you don't want to be treated that way? Better not leave cause you'll never see your kid again- even though he'll end up hating you anyways because she'll teach him to even if you stay. It's funny how thoroughly women destroy everything.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

if you say so, do you pay the bills in the house?

[@taylorkroff8254]

I felt a ton of sympathy for her until she mentioned that he was like this when she married him. She knew whom she was marrying. This is on her. Never ever ever marry someone for who they COULD be (or who you WANT them to be)! Only marry someone if you love the person they currently are. And if you don’t love the person they are, don’t marry them!

[@NnoxLupus]

So true 100%

[@BouncyBrown]

@@NnoxLupus Yes for their marriage but I don't think his relationship with their kids is on her. He should be more invested in them.

[@pimaggot]

But she changed - she said she is working on herself etc. Do you expect your partner not to grow and change with you?

[@rachelmaddowswife8713]

Yes and no. You can't expect someone to do a total 180, like go from being an extreme introvert to an extrovert, or expect them to abandon their lifelong passion for some soul crushing corporate job. On the other hand, their life changed, they decided together to raise four children. This necessitates change on both their parts. Whatever lifestyle they had as single, unmarried people on their first date is no longer possible. Unfortunately this is a trend where on average more women step up to the plate when parenthood arrives. Maybe she was fine running the household alone when it was just the two of them, or just the two of them plus their first kid, but the workload is increasing exponentially and she's reaching her limit, he needs to start taking some things on as well. It's not just "well, sucks to be you, you married him!" He needs to take responsibility for his own decision to bring children into the world.

[@junebug8276]

This is so wrong people constantly change that’s what life does to us … loving someone for who they are is high school dumb relationship advice.. the older u get the more mature u should become with ur choices .. and if ur still making choices like a child u need to grow up and change …

[@therevoman]

Just wanna say as a man in a Mormon marriage like this. John hits it right at the end. The nagging and manipulation is overwhelming. The message that is heard is "you're not good enough". And having every moment critiqued it's easier to disconnect than deal with the criticism over every little thing

[@annberlin5811]

I am not married and not mormon and it would annoy me to the core if someone didnt accept me as i am

[@helixmoore7636]

Then behave Biblically and have a serious talk with your wife.

[@dearbrave4183]

In the Mormon Bible doesn't it talk about patience, and selflessness of a loving husband? You would be surprised how finding out what your wife's problem is and how to solve it would make both of you happy and at peace.

[@therevoman]

@@dearbrave4183 that’s a really good idea. I did try that for our first 8 years of marriage but changing others doesn’t work. Change has to come from inside.

[@Akira300]

My entire marriage!! I'm done with that and moving on. And taking back my masculinity! All she had to do was let me lead and treat me like I matter. She will miss out on the prime of my life.

[@theweez1411]

Yes, this call was my life!! I’m now 30 years divorced, raised 4 kids by myself. I no longer wanted to be the only driver. He was spoiled by his family, never grew up. Even now, his 42 year old son remodeled his house and bought him a car. He is still at 75 years old, accepts help from his kids with absolutely no shame. They tell me it’s embarrassing to them , so they have to do something. You see, It will never change. Unless you get out!

[@Summer-en9hs]

Amen! Tried to let My husband do some tasks to get him on board. He forgot an entire bag to the other end of the country, HE had one job?? It was insane

[@RealityUntold]

Expectations will always lead to disappointment. Stop expecting so much and you'll notice there will be less stress.

[@bettysmith4527]

I wonder if he is just having to work so much to support everyone that he is just to the point of exhaustion, emotionally and physically. He doesn't have the energy for anyone else....

[@rogerrippel48]

I know that feeling. Im viewed as a paycheck. Woman are never truly happy. Always ready to jump ship. Why is he always on the womans side?

[@vickimerritt2832]

​@@rogerrippel48apparently you have zero listening comprehension.

[@dianaverano7878]

I know the feeling of being exhausted like 0% battery, drained emotionally thru work. My schedule was 7am - 7pm everyday. Now I changed jobs. I will never go back to that kind of crappy sched. It will kill my body. Hope the wife realized that kind of exhaustion

[@STak-ju7gx]

The funny thing is that as general knowledge, we all know that each human has different areas of needs. Just because the survival needs are fulfilled, doesn't make other higher needs unnecessary or irrelevant. It's not rocket science, if he can stay on his phone every chance he gets, then he can make time for his family and provide human attention to his wife who is at a role of endlessly giving care to everyone, including him. If he couldn't be a full provider of finances and emotional support to his wife and family, he shouldn't have organized his family the way he did or had 4 kids he doesn't care to spend time with. Of course, I don't want to particularly blame this guy as a person. But that idea that he should just excuse himself from the existence of his family because of money is a nasty one and is not an excuse. These people need to sort stuff out because you only live once and what's the point of having a family to make them live without you and not even be present in the family or have a relationship with them? The man doesn't need silly excuses, he needs to come to realization of things that are important and matter in life and try to make time for them. Whinning that women are never satisfied, when the woman is going crazy with loneliness have never worked. Why marry someone to leave them lonely? If he didn't want to have a relationship with her or doesn't have the capacity and feels like she should find a way to handle it herself, perhaps they shouldn't have had that many children so that she would have had the opportunity to maintain a social life outside the home. On the woman's part, she needs to wait for the little one get to school, and give find a job. In the mean time, she needs to stop some of the home upkeep or whatever thing she is doing..boil it down to the most necessary, and find some other hobbies and friends so that she can have some fulfillment emotionally. If her husband can't provide emotional support and the lack is just in that, then she should find other ways to fulfill it and build on outside emotional support systems.

[@scottwall8419]

Reality is that there isn't room for most of what this woman wants of men. They spend years telling their husband's thwy do this that and the other thing wrong, soend every second seeing someone else then the wife is upset that the husband checks out he hasn't checked out, his normal is ignoring his own needs and putting everyone else first. There's none of him left in there becuaee most wives drive it away, thier friends, thier hobbies, thuer desires, thier expectations. Women say "but what about me" to every thing a man interacts with. This woman in particular has an image about everything including how her busbands personality should be and thats not who he is. She soent years beating what she didn't like out of him and now trying to rebuild him in her image.

[@dearbrave4183]

When women start as initiator ,it never changes. This is why it's not great dating advice for women. Great advice! I hope he accepts the keys and they save their marriage ❤️

[@Michael-ft9pm]

Men spends years in marriage wondering what happened to the women they married, and women spend years in the marriage trying to change the man into the man they want him to be.

[@blueseptember2174]

Not trying to change him per se but trying to get him to be the man he used to be while dating and first married. That loving nice guy just flips the script after "I do".

[@rogerrippel48]

Keep blaming men for it all. Breaking a family up is not ok. Someone tell them the grass isn't greener on the other side because this guy doesn't.

[@90charim]

She had a king pause in answering yeaaa she is controlling and has her own agenda and now that she is finding out he isn’t gonna mold into whatever she made up in her head

[@samrusoff]

I love love love how John will take the time to really explore and uncover the root problem even when three or four other decoy/downstream explanations come up first. So many other advice show hosts jump right to assuming they know the issue and the solution, but John checks and double checks what's really beneath it all. So valuable!!

[@stevie2673]

As a 20 year old trying to come into my manhood and eventually becoming a good husband, this man's life sounds exactly like mine. Padded, set up, everything just falls into place, and all this leading to a lack of drive and purpose. And I have gone through discussions with my girlfriend that sound just like what she is saying. This video just adds to the already strong feeling that I have to do whatever I can to avoid the fate that this poor man has set himself up for. I feel for this woman and I really hope he can take some control of his life and his relationships and become the man that he and his family deserve.

[@allisonwelch5507]

Spot on assessment. She needs help with boundaries....require more by letting go...

[@Lantanana]

I think maybe she is just tired of being the leader. She wanted to to marry a leader, but she is having to be the leader. I am a female, and I notice a lot (MOST) men are looking for a strong woman so they can lean back and check out. Lots of men are not wanting to be a leader.

[@simoneaustin8076]

She definitely married the wrong type of man for her. If she wanted a leader.

[@lifeseries7944]

For sure, he doesn't sound like a leader. I doubt that she wants a leader if she is the one who went after him. She said he doesn't even give any input. That guy is on auto-pilot the whole time. After 13 years, she wants a more even responsibilities when it comes to family issues.

[@darkma1ice]

Why should a man be a leader when you women don’t want to do your roles?

[@k8schmate]

@@darkma1iceshe did do her role. And he wouldn’t do his so he dumped that on her too. Open your eyes it’s epidemic.

[@roses6564]

100%.

[@mcannonsr]

Dr. John was right initially but let her mislead him into a wrong conclusion. She’s bored and creating problems as a result.

[@two-wheels7397]

Hard to listen too. After 28 years of marriage, 3 children, and no feelings, it was over. I was no longer the dad, husband, leader. I was the historical spermicide donor. My counselor told me I would never put her on a pedestal high enough. Narcissism at it’s finest. After the divorce, and now being remarried, I know it was not me. This lady needs to work on herself, not him. He will never be wants she imagines. You did not help her focus on what she can control.

[@ryantrone4140]

My wife is at an extreme end of this in our situation. She largely hates me now but as this video so cleverly framed things as ‘pictures’; she long ago stopped having anything to do with my ‘pictures’. Only hers matter these days.

[@vaska1999]

Sounds like you largely hate your wife. Why are you two still together, living in misery?

[@olivebranch3427]

Ouch, I understand you Melissa. I hope you’re able to get the help that you need before it’s too late. God bless you.

[@tishku8885]

Do not comment on this video until you listen / watch until the end! It's the end that is GOLD. ❤ "Yelling into the Grand Canyon isn't solving that problem." Sad, but real and beautifully said. New subscriber here ❤❤. I need this.

[@newbeginnings9457]

This was my Life! Didn’t work out! I was that Husband! She gave him praise yet isn’t happy!

[@ericworley4361]

She takes on the role of family director in all things because otherwise the things that need to be accomplished will simply be left unattended to. And the beginning of a relationship is supposed to be easy. so she isn't wrong for expecting that with the time invested and the love cultivated throughout the course of creating a family together there would be some mutual care and consideration developed along the way.

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

it's natural to expect that a parent would love their children, and too many men are completely disconnected from the children they helped create.

[@pattylyons9645]

Too many men expect their wives to be like their mothers and do everything for them. A lot of the time they don't even realize it because they're being taken care of and it's just comfortable. But she's had enough of carrying the lion's share of the chores and responsibilities and she's wiped out. This usually doesn't end well unless there's a major change in the family dynamic.

[@curlyhairdudeify]

Too many women expect men to be mind readers and "plan trips and dinners". Most men, don't care about trips or dining out.

[@shells500tutubo]

@@curlyhairdudeify Most men DO care about those things. They just want someone else to do the heavy lifting.

[@DrArthurCGarp]

@@shells500tutubo So men are just like women, they want times where all the planning and coordinating isn’t just their responsibility. It should be your pleasure to help your spouse, not something you treat like a dead end job

[@wonderwendy718]

I can relate to this so much 😩 for 15 years I’ve initiated everything. I’ve tried talking to him about it so many times but he’s oblivious. And Dr John is right… it’s not going to change.

[@princessbagley]

Dr. John are a great Therapist! Thank you. I'm in school for Christian counseling and listen to you for guidance in my future-

[@ptyleranodon3081]

I'm more of an intuitive person (I absorb information more subconsciously) while my wife's attention to detail is highly developed. So, basically she can out-argue me on most differences in opinion we might have. Unfortunately I have conceded on a lot of big decisions we have made over the years because I’m too conflict avoidant and never felt like my argumentation would be convincing enough anyway. So when he mentioned that the husband might be depressed and feeling like he’s just along for the ride…. I really felt that.

[@vaska1999]

You need to make an effort to clearly articulate your argument. Your wife can't simply go on your intuition unless and until you take the trouble to make it conscious and shareable. I'd suggest you show this video and your comment to your wife so she can have an idea of how you're feeling right now.

[@Yo_soy_Annna]

This was a great call, Dr John. Wow. 🔥

[@rachelelizabeth4619]

I'm glad that he doesn't blame the husband or the wife. He doesn't say the husband I'd lazy, or that the wife's problem is that she is too controlling. He tries to help her see how she can communicate her expectations and allow her husband to take the lead.

[@flyandshy00]

Controlling? She's nice = doormat! He doesn't take care of the kids, doesn;t spend time with his wife - he literally shows he hates all of them. On his phone texting some Susie constantly. In her case I would snatch his phone and would start looking at everything. I'm apalled she haven't done that yet after 15 years!!!

[@dj_86]

When I listened to this it reminded me of my mother. She is capable but she is too controlling. She controls or tries to control everything around her. That is a huge turn off for the husband and adult male children. It feels like we do not have any business at home where she is the Boss. My father stayed in the marriage for the sake of us kids. I do not want to visit my parents as my mother will still try to control me infront of my wife and son. I do not want to set a bad example for my kid.

[@vickimerritt2832]

Sound like she was forced into taking charge to get things done due to weak willy men checking out.

[@blueseptember2174]

You could sit down for a respectable chat. And also be open to hearing her side. ❤

[@lovlou48]

She just described my husband to a T. I didnt know there existed husbands who actually take initiative. He is a great human being otherwise.

[@Jwalk9000]

My wife is like this has this nebulous idea she cant express of what she thinks she wants, but turns it into nagging and its never defined. It feels horrible to get beaten down daily for just being myself. Its completely defeating.

[@BlessedbytheKingofKings]

Sorry to hear that. I pray God heals their marriage.

[@Umph84]

This is the side effect of a controlling wife and a docile husband. They desperately need couples therapy. His side of the story needs to be heard.

[@Edelwiess1066]

Sounds like a lazy detached loser. Who would let their kids and house fall to ruin waiting on a loser to step up? A good mother would recognize what needed to be done to keep things going but can't do it all alone. Men nowadays are spoiled lazy narcissists

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

His side will be, "I can't seem to do anything right." Once you've led a man into this belief your marriage is ending.

[@Chet_24]

Just skip the therapy and get divorced.

[@blueseptember2174]

​@@dr.jenniferma3914please, people can do better and be fine. The woman can communicate more clearly and the man can look at himself clearly and make an effort.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

@@Chet_24 no, divorce is for pansies

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

She can't get clear about what she wants and then wonders why she doesn't have what she wants.

[@sueblack5794]

Wonder if she just takes control and he feels like he can sit back? I wish we could get two sides of the story....but never marry a person that is emotionally distant from the very start. It never gets better in marriage. He let her know, didn't hide it that he was emotionally distant from the start and she still married him.

[@dearbrave4183]

But I suppose he also said I want you and want to start a family. Also it's not like people who are depressed can't work it out and become better spouses and parents. Therapists are still in work for a reason. Him having an issue isn't a pass for his behaviour especially after he got with her and created a family. But yeah, I also get it that she saw it coming. She will always be the initiator

[@stealthswim223]

No she took control and told him over and over everything he is doing wrong. His home isn’t where he can go to be recharged. He goes home to a nagging wife. So he has no respect or energy there. It says in the Bible that it’s better to live on the corner of the roof than with a quarreling wife.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

when they were dating she probably asked every day when he was going to propose. and whenever he said he didn't want to talk about it she got into a mood until he finally proposed.

[@triciadilligaf2678]

I wanted to experience life with my husband and he was content with gaming, working, and reading with little bonding or connection with his wife.

[@michellez664]

That's my husband too.

[@GrammyAmanda]

Sounds like her husband is emotionally distant. Likely he won’t change without therapy or a life altering event. Maybe something in his past made him build walls around his emotions. Poor wife has a lot on her shoulders. She’s got to nurture her kids enough for both of them and keep the spark lit in the marriage. ❤️

[@crzyruskie86]

She's probably an overbearing person and needs things certain ways. That's not how it works. The husband is an individual person with his own visions which I'm sure are just lost because of what SHE wants all the time. She has destroyed his identity and now all of a sudden wants him to have a say or have individuality. Now she wants support after she put him in the back seat.

[@Edelwiess1066]

@@crzyruskie86 Projection. All of your comments are projection

[@sebastianfernandez5827]

Wait, what ? She litteraly said he provides for all their needs. She can cry me a river !

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

@@Edelwiess1066 maybe, but this is most often the case

[@ominous450]

There needs to be a conversation about expectations. His expectations for himself are financial provider. Her expectations for him is financial provider, super dad, super husband

[@marcusarelius]

I don’t think she’s asking him to be a “super” anything. She’s asking him to be present.

[@captainsisko7629]

@@marcusarelius he is present she needs to count her blessings

[@Edelwiess1066]

@@captainsisko7629 No he he is a self absorbed and lazy parent who won't engage.

[@lifeseries7944]

Her case is far too common these days. My husband is pretty much like that (peaceful, no yelling/hitting, provides a roof over our head and food on the table, very passive). I do know what I want from him, which are leading our sons to manhood and maintaining the household (i.e. fix things around the house). People called my husband "lazy", "non-existed", "phantom husband' , "(said to me) I only imagine I have a husband!" My husband always takes a backseat and acts more like a nice uncle in the house (with the boys). I see myself as a married single mom. We have been married for 18 years, with 3 sons who are middle and high schoolers. Similar to Melissa, I have been devoting myself into the family until the kids turn double digits, I feel the need that the father has to step up and lead the boys to become men. Then, I realized that he is incapable of doing it. He doesn't teach/discipline/parent the kids. He avoids every hard or new stuff, leaving them all to me. Since I have no access to the finance, he controls everything in the household. He does give me a credit card to spend on grocery and basic necessities. He needs to take charge of the maintenance because he is the one who knows the budget, but he doesn't. His bathroom lights have been out since 2016. He would turn on the lights in the next rooms when he takes a bath. My shower faucet has been dripping for almost a year. I asked him to get a plumber and fix other things altogether. He said it costs less to pay for the water than hire a plumber. I don't nag him. I just put the maintenance/repair list on the refrigerator but he chooses to ignore it. Therefore, I have to change the smaller font size in order to fit all the repairs in one page. We have never taken a family vacation. When our kid asked to go on a cruise, ski or rent a RV to travel over the years, he was just silence about it (even after I did the research to find the cheapest price, like $2K for 5 people for 4-5 days cruise!). He believes it's his money because he made it. My husband is passive, unmotivated, non-driven, anti-social, anti-crowd, selfish, inflexible (stick to routine), non-communicative, messy, clueless (narcissistic?!), slacker, hoarder, AVPD (?!), picky eating, lacks of executive functioning. He has this "cannot do" attitude. I learn all these in many hard ways over 2 decades.

[@mayloniegordon3017]

I empathize with you. ❤️

[@bbdass4598]

He has ADHD

[@user-lu7rc7xx9q]

He needs therapy for sure. These traits come from one’s childhood traumers.

[@LisaLisaCJ]

You can’t want a leader for your kids and then marry a passive man. It’s an oxymoron

[@skr8674]

He has aspbergers!

[@GreatWhiteSharkey]

This is exactly me right now and it’s driving me crazy! He’s so fixated on his own life and I feel he forgets about me and our life together. I needed to hear this.

[@1lespaulfreak]

Their relationship is the mother/lover-son paradigm. She is the mother head/leader, and as long as he complies with her wishes and doesn’t contradict her, she rewards him with affection and validation. He is the passive/dutiful provider that has been trained, likely by his mother & modeled by his father, to be there for her, but never challenge her in any way. Because, that means snarky put-downs, shaming, belittling, threatening. Any man who feels stuck in such a relationship gives up, withdraws, and considers it a victory if when his wife peppers him with questions & demands when he comes home from work, that she accepts his answers and lets him escape - whether into his phone, the TV, or a corner of the basement.

[@DannyF249]

Interesting! This is exactly the dynamic of my neighbors.

[@MattCasters]

I've been there. The snarky put-downs, shaming, threatening, shaming, overstepping boundaries, silent treatment, ... a.k.a. emotional abuse, was something my mother did as well so I thought it was normal. It's not.

[@Edelwiess1066]

@@MattCasters And what was Your part in all of that?

[@Edelwiess1066]

Tooootal Cop-out. Weak

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Plus, once this dynamic is happening, his desire for her will drop to nothing. No one wants to have sex with their mom.

[@stealthswim223]

When you control everything and give us lists to do and constantly check on what we do and then critique it rather than thanking us for helping and respecting us, we as men just get so deflated.

[@joecoastie99]

And stop trying.

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

real grown up adults don't need lists, because you're trying to be an example to your children.

[@patricew.4010]

​@@jeanninerossouw5921You sound slow....and exactly like a hateful person who who is exactly why men aren't asking and why David's bridal is where it is. Men have to stay away from us, we're caustic.

[@vaska1999]

Grow up and stop whining and being resentful when someone points out a mistake you've made. That's how we all learn: by doing something, making a few mistakes, having them pointed out, and then doing better the next time they tackle that chore or that activity.

[@DrArthurCGarp]

@@vaska1999 Would you be okay with your Husband coming home and saying “Why aren’t the dishes done?” Or even “Hey I saw you tried to do the dishes but they’re still dirty. Could you do them again?”? Like be an adult. Sometimes you need support and a warm welcome, not criticism and closeted resentment in the form of passive aggressiveness

[@gmar4454]

So... Is she controlling because he is passive, or is he passive because she's controlling??

[@dj_86]

he passive because she's controlling

[@aliparker3]

He was like that when they were dating. I think she may have chosen poorly.

[@brixhaven1196]

Good question. I could be totally off in this case, but usually a woman helps fill in our gaps. She may have stepped in because he didn’t step up and now she’s tired of leading. Hope they find a balance soon 🙏🏾

[@sueblack5794]

Possibly both. This is why you SHOULDN'T always marry your opposite most times, it leads to horrible communication down the road.

[@lifeseries7944]

@@sueblack5794 But opposites attract! ;)

[@dantewilson9881]

My parents were exactly like this. My dad passed two years ago. I’ve known how my mom has felt for the past decade or so. I am 29 now. My mom did exactly what Dr. John warned against and I felt exactly what he said. When me and my dad hung out my head was screaming that mom made him do it. Several phrases “you are more than a paycheck” “check in with the kids” “the beginning of resentment” are all things I heard said or thought. I hope the listener and anyone else who watches this segment hear all the advice. In the end my dad made the choice for himself to work on his relationships with his kids luckily he did that before he passed. Lastly to new parents most couples do not realize this until kid three to four. My mom had it all handled until I was 6 little sis was four little brother was 2 and baby sister was an infant. My mom physically ran out of hands. Multiple kids under 10 is unique. While the oldest is getting ready for middle school and basketball practice and homework your youngest is still on the bottle and needs constant watching. Please know that everyone if you are feeling some negative feeling you seek some kind of help or start asking yourself questions.

[@jackieyoung3359]

This call reminded me of the old saying, "Men marry women, expecting them to never change but they always do while women marry men thinking they can change them but they never do." This guy was emotionally lazy from day one. 13 years in she has finally found her self esteem and realizing she deserves better. Only problem is now there are four kids added into the equation; not a good situation. Dr. John is right, this guy will never change. Ultimatums won't work either and with four kids to financially support I doubt she'll give him one.

[@Edelwiess1066]

Spot on assessment

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Once you're even thinking of giving ultimatums you should realize you're avoiding a serious truth.

[@darkma1ice]

Hahahaha more like her hypergamy is kicking in

[@cugrngneer]

Dr. Delony repeatedly asks, 'What is it?" I'm having the same experience. What do we women want from these guys who are financially responsible, are basically civil, but not tuned in? Spiritual cognition. When I started to learn what kind of connection a marriage actually represents and how two people can have it, that's when the truth of what we don't have started to become obvious. When we got together, we had a strong physical connection and we worked together pretty good. Then he settled in and I was growing personally and my views on life were changing but we weren't having any verbal exchanges about who we were becoming over time. It's like he thinks of me as a pet dog, always by his side for whatever. He doesn't know me or understand me because he's not interested and doesn't ask questions about anything. He insists that he does ask questions, but that I am the one who refuses to answer.. I just don't think asking me what I'm cooking is the kind of question that engages a discussion about us, who are we now, how are we changing from the people we were when we met? What do we each want from this marriage? On a spiritual level is where we discover who, what, why in a way that bonds two hearts to make one life. Instead, we are living two different lives. One is a fantasy and one is the reality of loneliness. Why are wives typically the lonely ones?

[@vaska1999]

I'd love to hear Dr Delony respond to your situation.

[@cugrngneer]

@@vaska1999 Me too!

[@maryssaann]

Oh my goodness this almost made me tear up. This comment is exactly what I was looking for. Same for my husband and I. But I’ve noticed myself wanting to grow, getting back into church, challenge myself, learn new things, take my fitness to a better level all with four kids, a full time job and being at home with that job with the two younger kids home. I’m exhausted and at the end of my rope. I watch my husband come home, watch tv in our bedroom, snack on his junk foods before on his phone and vape all alone and basically leave the kids alone until bed time. I’m with them basically alone 24/7. And I’ve tried the conversations, tried to ask if it’s me making him feel and act this way and what I can do to step back and let him participate more and I get blank stares. It’s so hard. And with four kids I’m just trying to stay above water a lot. I even screen shot your comment it struck that much of a chord. Just for something to reference. I’m at my wits end.

[@cugrngneer]

@@maryssaann Hi Mary, I'm sorry you're married to the same problem. My heart goes out to you and your kids. But be assured that it's not you. You are not the cause of a man's failure to show up and give of himself. What you can do, is teach your children by Bible study and example of what decency God expects from all of us regarding how to show love for others. God sees what you're going thru and he reads hearts. Do you know the Bible example of Abigail? She was married to a fool of a man too. Her experience shows us that God blesses us if we maintain what we know is right in his eyes, in spite of the men we're married to. A positive future you and your children can look forward to is recorded at Rev 21:3,4. I hope it encourages you the way it encourages me to have God's real promises to look forward to, even if our husbands continue being spiritually unconscious.

[@Chia13579]

Thank you for this♥️♥️♥️ it helps to hear it vocalized that yelling is abuse

[@maam-yj8ph]

Agreed. No yelling allowed unless true emergency such as house is on fire.

[@kimlynch-staunton1649]

Marriage and parenting are just too much for today's generation.

[@sla6234]

I have been in her shoes and I have some advice to offer that personally helped me in this situation: 1. Reconnect with family and girlfriends. 2. Get some fun hobbies (inside or outside of your marriage, doesn’t matter) 3. Accept him for who he is instead of trying to change him into someone else. Not everyone has the same amount of drive to become the best person that they can. If I had to compare myself to my boyfriend, I probably have more drive, but I’m okay with it. I just care that we are good partners to each other and that we are happy with each other. It seems that you are hyper focusing on your marriage, while your husband is not. And that does not necessarily mean that he is “checked out,” it just means that he’s not looking for every little detail and ways to improve. I am not saying that what you are doing is bad, but just try some other things out before pointing the finger at him. Go to the gym, cook, do some crafting, call your parents or siblings, visit your girlfriends. I have a tendency in relationships to disregard myself, and something I’ve learned in therapy is to make a self-care checklist for myself. That leaves a lot less time for me to be worrying about what my partner is lacking. Your husband seems content, and for a lot of people, they are okay with that. Edit: forgot to mention this, but I am not trying to disregard your concerns by any means, but I am just saying that there might be some things that you can do on your end to help fight these feelings you are experiencing. You yourself said that he is a great husband and father, so he can’t be completely in the wrong.. but I definitely encourage you to communicate with him if this continues to be an issue :) best of luck!

[@nicolab2075]

@@elibaker8849 I've seen a few of your comments now. You start with 'usually ' then go into something anecdotal about how women get it wrong

[@droptozro]

@@elibaker8849 Some do, some don't. Find the right group. My wife drops the friends who do nothing but rag on their husbands when they get together. Every good marriage/good relationship has a bit of self-biased delusion towards the good. We both know we have faults/annoyances, but we don't focus on them or we learn how to cope with them over time. It's only dangerous to have that minor self-delusion leaning towards focusing on the good if the bad gets too bad and one refuses to recognize it. That's why this call needs more context--the wife and husband have clearly had discussions about this issue as she said in the call.

[@jillianwilliams1]

This is very helpful advice ! Thank you.

[@dearbrave4183]

@@nicolab2075 🤣

[@dearbrave4183]

Great advice!♥️

[@BroThatsRandom]

The ironic thing is that I have experienced this and more, and the burnout is real. Ironically I feel less Burnt out when my husband is gone for two weeks at a time rather than when he is home. Probably stemming from the fact that I want to feel that I have support when he is here but rarely receive it. But when he is gone I know that I won’t get it and I need to suck it up and act like a single mom 🤷🏼‍♀️ if he was more present when he was here I wouldn’t feel this way. There is so much more to this though that is downright messed up but those things have gotten better in that retrospect so I won’t even mention it at this moment.

[@jeanninerossouw5921]

when he's gone you can stick to your own schedule, and do things with the children without waiting for the participation that never comes. I'm in the same boat as you

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

when he is gone is he bringing in money for the family? or is he gone for two weeks partying?

[@m4stek]

A man without purpose lead to a path of despair. I’ve struggled with this myself. I married a hell of a wife. I have no problem saying she’s a better person than I am. She’s also the breadwinner and has a temperament where she always needs to be in control. It’s not easy to always taking a back seat. It’s always led to a feeling of lack of purpose. That lack of purpose leads to disparity and then over time I would occasionally “check out”. Then she would feel resentment and we would argue until temporarily fixed it. Kind of like putting a bandaid on a bullet would. Truth is I don’t know the answer, but I’m starting to take a different approach and so far so good.

[@ez2u1]

Thank you.

[@levenahargrave4887]

This is me! My exact situation but 20 years into relationship. I am alone as a parent, lover and friend. He plays video games after work everyday. All day on days off. He is content in his life and doesnt see a problem.

[@veeandrea]

The man is working. His focus is on that. The woman is focused on the family. That's how they both add to the family. Just appreciate what each brings to the table.

[@sairaphilip437]

And get her needs ignored in the process.....ew! She should have never married an emotionally distant man.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

@@sairaphilip437 lol I bet you're a delight

[@sairaphilip437]

@@goldenknightsfanatic thanks....bet you are too!

[@Carnivorepothead]

This is the kind of story that definitely has 2 sides. I can’t take her seriously not getting a little info from the other side

[@ComfortingGrace]

She seems like a woman that even if he tried to step up and do things, she would find all the ways he didn't do it "right". She has to step back and let him lead, even if he makes a lot of mistakes, how can he learn confidence in leading without practicing leading? She won't let him.

[@Princess-pz5gq]

So allow him to not spend time with her kids?? Seems like this is her way of keeping the family together since he won’t

[@oroville12345]

Sounds just like my ex wife I could never do anything right in her eyes. Well now I am free from the nagging and more successful then ever.

[@1lespaulfreak]

Bingo

[@chris-gx7rs]

Well you women to be leaders and equally

[@chinneynz7861]

No, trust me, some men are just docile and cannot lead a buch of turtles and snails.

[@LisaLisaCJ]

Had a boat load of kids with a man that really doesn’t want her. So either leave or check out and just raise the kids.And if he is this passive he may pull the rug from under her I’ve seen that happen.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

leaving is for the weak. they chose to be married, they chose to have kids. work on your issues and don't break up like middle schoolers

[@leahcompton2522]

My son asked me today when I'm going to abandon Dad so I can get a new boyfriend. Dad is just not emotionally available. All of my children, 32 down to the 9 year old knows how he is. It's sad.

[@mayhem7455]

In the beginning, she said "his entire life was laid out for him." Most likely by his parents. Now he has a wife that's taken over that role and laying everything out for him. What decision or choice did he have to make for himself after.....say, age 12?

[@tentrickspony8925]

Sounds like she's overbearing and controlling.

[@lalamega1146]

Feel really bad! What does one do if they have a spouse who is indifferent, complacent, makes no effort's anymore, and acts and says he doesn't care!!!???

[@pilotandy_com]

12:43 - When he puts the phone away, and joins the family, did you show him appreciation for doing that afterwards? "Thank you for joining us this evening, I had a lot of fun, and I know the kids really enjoyed it. I liked that joke you told.... I'm really looking forward to ... tomorrow evening." I know it sounds trite, but to use John's statement from earlier in the conversation, a man needs a mission, and he wants to be rewarded for it. If he goes out and slays a dragon, (to him it might seem like a dragon), and nobody in the village says anything about it, or rolls their eyes in contempt, "Geez, that's your job, dude!" he's out again.

[@kalindakelly3417]

Thank you for joining his own family?? Appreciation is great, but some things should just happen because men and women are plugged into the relationship.

[@pilotandy_com]

@@kalindakelly3417What ever you compliment you get more of, whatever you criticize you get less.

[@donaldshotts4429]

Men are generally very simple like a dog although not as loyal. Encourage and reward...what's wrong with that? If I don't encourage and praise my wife I'd never get any

[@90charim]

Now him not doing with his children is PROBLEMATIC!

[@swong705]

I could never stay with a passive person...sounds like she doesn't like it too but I know I don't like men that way and don't date them.

[@fluffyspunsugar]

I recommend the book Fed Up by Gemma Hartley. It's an excellent book on this subject.

[@NeuroSeasoned]

Yikes, when he asked her, "Come on, he put in so much effort when you were first dating, right?!" And her reply, "No, he didn't, actually ..." That's my story with my ex! A few exes, actually. I never let them do the chasing, mostly bc I lack(ed) the self worth to believe that a guy would do that over me. And so I chose a guy just like the one on this call, who needed so much for me to take care of every aspect of initiating our life. ...

[@LalienX]

Girls gotta chase too

[@chelsea7229]

It’s immature to think that anyone needs to do the “chasing.” There should be mutual and reciprocal interest- period.

[@johnlanier3616]

A Man never ever under any condition chases a woman.

[@dearbrave4183]

@@chelsea7229 but initiation is for men. If he isn't leading then he is not the one to lead a marriage, he will passive and she'll be the leader

[@dearbrave4183]

@@johnlanier3616 well these are the men who usually end up divorced

[@sarahmcdonald9624]

I’ve been this woman. And the relationship had to end. We have a child in common, but we weren’t good together. He checked out to the point where he was never coming back, and I had to accept that and just let it go. We weren’t good models as parents and hated each other at the core. It’s still not great, but at least we both don’t have to deal with each other on a daily basis anymore. I also wanted to cultivate a good relationship between him and our son, but, had to realize that wasn’t my place.

[@seanmathis7971]

Remember Women, Us men are not mind readers! I tell my gf when something is bothering her to tell me the problem and what I can do to solve it. Cause without knowing my faults I just March around like I’m Superman 😆

[@Edelwiess1066]

@yourstruely And there you have it. Hit the nail on the head. It doesn't matter what we do for some men, it will always switch to the other end of the spectrum because they are subtly resenting you and gaslighting. Most men have no clue what a family is or how to lead one being children themselves. Selfish and self absorbed with no room for their kids and certainly not for a woman

[@vickimerritt2832]

but you have put being a grownup on your wife's shoulders, not fair. Causes resentment in her

[@vickimerritt2832]

Remember men, we are not your mommies, time to grow up. Read a book, get theyself into counseling, ask her what she needs and listen, Geeze, divorce is easier than spending a life time raising children and grown ass man babies.

[@briannaware1424]

Man in his feminine & female in her masculine energy.

[@heslind]

Act like a wife not his mother

[@rafidalbotany1109]

A simple but not simple answer Divorce

[@elizabethevans9056]

I FEEL THIS

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

he threatened to leave, he threatened to stay. Everything is a threat, unless he pays

[@ithinkigottalent4047]

She's over him and she's being nice about it. So thankful I didn't follow the traditional path of marriage, kids etc. I never wanted to find myself in her shoes.

[@LisaLisaCJ]

A lot of us wished we had done the same. Too much work and too little in return for a woman

[@overcomerbtbojesus]

I’m in the same boat i wanted it but it never happened and i have people telling me I don’t look my age that I look so young i’m 49 and look like I’m in my 30s- i do take care of myself but i also treasure peace and no drama- I’m an abuse survivor and i have zero tolerance for toxic relationships - the lack of stress from having to deal with a bad marriage or relationship has kept me youthful

[@darkma1ice]

@@LisaLisaCJ hahahahahha you get a financial payout for divorcing a man. Wtf are you on about

[@blueravenchick]

@@darkma1ice most men don't have that kind of money sir lol..... most married women work too.

[@goldenknightsfanatic]

women will never be satisfied. they can't lower their expectations and just be happy with what they have.