I'm 24 And My Narcissist Parents Are Controlling My Life And Won't Let Me Leave r/Relationships

[@1911odisea]

Story 2: OP is not the asshole, but thinking that the entire group wouldn't leave or even tip them is straight-up super bizzare.

[@HodajuciParadoks]

Agree with this 100%

[@1911odisea]

Story 1: OP should pretend that they don't know what a potato is. The parents will get angry, kick them out and they'll be free to leave.

[@MarkNarrations]

I see you! 😜😂

[@Templar1ca]

What is this po-tay-toh you speak of? The concept us strange and foreign to me.

[@1911odisea]

@@MarkNarrations That's a bit Sauron-y of you, but I dig it!

[@1911odisea]

@@Templar1ca Po-ta-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew - even you couldn't say no to that!

[@stillvisibletoallusers]

@@1911odisea 🤣🤣🤣🤣 solid reference 👏👏

[@j.graham8068]

I am really surprised that the waitress expected the family to stay after kicking the mother out. I fully support refusing service to a patron who behaves as the mother did, but how is the family supposed to just shrug and continue their celebration after that? As far as tipping in that situation is concerned, wow, how could anyone reasonably expect that to happen? They hadn't even ordered yet and their party was split up by the restaurant's actions. I wouldn't tip in those circumstances.

[@missunderstoodmal1700]

Came here to write this! I definitely agree Also, I doubt the graduate lost his celebration. They probably just went to a different place for food and drinks. I would not have stayed and celebrated without one of my parents, even if I was embarrassed by the past behavior. I'd still want the whole family together. But, I don't know their family dynamics.

[@Ambidexter143]

@@missunderstoodmal1700 Agree. OP is silly to expect the party to tip when they aren't served anything.

[@mycupoverflows7811]

Yep, agree!

[@Argendriel]

Yeah like... even without an all-out abuse situation, that lady is obviously unpleasant to be around which is fine if you just see her once in a restaurant where you actually can kick her out but a very different thing if you have to live with that person. And at a graduation party no less- clearly they are celebrating as a family and the whole group will leave. OPs reaction to the group leaving is just ignorant. What are they gonna tip her for if they leave without actually ordering anything? For the simple grace of being in her presence? And I mean, sure, they had every right to kick the lady out/not serve her but why is she expecting a party that basically gets humiliated in front of the whole restaurant to feel comfortable to stay?

[@lennaedaley8676]

Exactly!!! Then its not like its was a random family dinner it was a celebration for her son, why would they stay!!!

[@phoenixsky6124]

They entered and left. No tip necessary. Yes I’d leave with family kicked out. We are out together. I’d also be pissed at mom and point out her behaviours have consequences and the bar wasn’t in the wrong.

[@Nortarachanges]

Yeah I’d apologize profusely, but tip? Seriously what? 20% of nothing?

[@immortalsofar5314]

Who does OP think they are planning to make look after her "severely autistic brother"? The parents' motivations seem pretty clear to me and to threaten to withhold medication to force compliance is inhuman. OP doesn't need to explain _anything_ to them, let alone compromise. Give them nothing!

[@pansprayers]

OP needs to compromise if they still want access to their insurance. That's just an unfortunate reality here. Perhaps you don't know how healthcare in the United States of America works, but if you have any kind of medical issue, and your insurance gets cut off, you're pretty much fucked. Gallbladder surgery (one of many things that can go wrong without warning) can set you back 20k out of pocket, Prozac can cost up to $500 a month. Since you're volunteering, let's go tell OP you're going to back your big mouth up and pay for her care. You're so generous!

[@immortalsofar5314]

@@pansprayers I lived in the US for 25 years and, thanks to the ACA, it's available through the state (at least WA state) at no charge for low income people. There are also slightly more dubious options for importing non-narcotic medications. Knuckle down and do what you're told is a pathetic part of the culture. I don't know whether "live free or die" was always a lie but it's nothing but propaganda now.

[@o0BlackSand0o]

Story 1: "you never finish anything" wow, that sounds familiar. Mine was phrased "you always get bored and give up with everything". Narcissists love it

[@flossimoth]

yes, and of course they leave out the part where you gave up on the thing only after they nagged and nagged and put you down and made you feel like shit for doing the thing and that you never gave up of your own volition, but because all the abuse just soured the thing for you

[@o0BlackSand0o]

@@flossimoth when my first child was born I cried to my husband that I was scared I'd give up on him like I had everything else. We had been together 10 years and he pointed out the only thing I 'gave up on' in that time was a career where I was being mistreated and chose to walk away for my mental health. Until than I hadn't realised how manipulative the statement was

[@toxxickittie]

1st story: this is how my narc parents controlled and abused me for so long as well, I have T1 diabetes and they would just threaten to remove me from insurance for literally anything my whole life. They were pissed when I got married, got a job, and got my own life. Had to move veeeerrryyyy far away from their narcissistic mess to get completely clear of the abuse. I'd honestly recommend the OP do the same thing.

[@jenniferhanses7064]

Story 2: NTA, but of course all the people left. It was HER son. You kicked out the hostess, which was the right thing to do, but when you do that, you've effectively cancelled the whole party. I can't imagine going out to celebrate a cousin's graduation and seeing my aunt get kicked out and sitting down with a shrug and saying "Well, screw her. She can pay for my dinner even through she's not here. " That's not the way hosting works. Leaving has nothing to do with supporting her (boycotting would be support) . It's just, well, this is no longer a pleasant and free dinner out. It's extremely awkward and now I don't know who is paying. After something like that, I'd either go home because I'm an introvert and likely didn't want to go out anyway but was lured by food, or I'm following the host couple to see what alternate plans they're arranging because they're the hosts.

[@slipton9797]

I agree! I know I could not have sat there and had a meal knowing my aunt had done that. Not because I was enabling my aunt but because I would be mortified to talk to the server knowing how she had been treated.

[@mycupoverflows7811]

Yep. Kick her out, fine. But don't gripe that everyone else left too, duh.

[@an6786]

I agree. OP started to sound very entitled. I am from a different country, where tipping is not a thing. So can someone explain how this could have messed up OPs night? It's a sports bar, so people are coming and going. I could be wrong, but it sounded like OP wanted to get paid without doing any work.

[@jenniferhanses7064]

@@an6786 They would have likely reserved a large table or possibly an entire small room for the party, and the staff would have been anticipating a large tip from serving a large party. As it was a graduation party, it's likely there was other demand from other graduate families that they had to turn down, and so they're less likely to find replacement customers. The staff, collectively, could be out $200 to $500. This would have been split among the staff assigned to that particular table. So OP personally might be out $50 to $100. This is assuming they tipped appropriately and all that, and differs depending on how large the party was (maybe it was even more money lost). But I have to say, them's the breaks some nights. OP refused to serve the hostess and literally had her kicked out, sparing herself having to put up with someone she knew was awful and dangerous. But she also lost the money she could have made from that person. I'm all in favor of OP's safety, but no one in this scenario owes her anything outside of the host couple, and I would have thought that was all covered the first time around. The guests aren't just going to give her money for a scene that occurred at some prior point and that they're not responsible for. I don't know who OP is expecting to pay for things. And you are right that it sounds like she wanted to get paid for doing nothing. Like I sympathize, but OP is not a charity. Maybe, were I the host and OP had to kick out one of my guests, I might leave $100 or something to make up for the trouble of setting up for us when now we had to leave. (because as a host, I now have to find a new restaurant since I promised to feed my guests, and apparently my guests can't eat here) Maybe. If I have that kind of money just sitting around. But the person who was kicked out was the host, so if they want money, they're going to have to get it from her. And she's well within reasonableness to say "Well, I don't owe you anything since you refused to serve me."

[@BiologicalClock]

THIS. OP absolutely had the right to kick her out per the do-not-serve policy, but I don't understand why they're shocked that the rest of the party left. Like, what are they going to do, eat while she sits in the car and starves? Did OP expect them to disown her and cut them out of their lives right there for an unhinged incident that they didn't witness? The restaurant can ban people from the premises, but that also means that anyone who comes with the banned party will likely choose to leave rather than abandon their family. NTA for kicking her out, but OP is skirting the line of assholery for expecting a tip from a party that they didn't provide food or service to.

[@LunaP1]

OP'S parents are insane and trying to keep her codependent on them. She should move out to her bf's and get police involved to escort her out so they don't try to hold her hostage (this can turn bad quick since they are treating OP like a slave). They are the reason she has anxiety/ptsd from their mental abuse.

[@pansprayers]

So, that's the easiest issue to solve. OP literally depends on their insurance for the ability to function. Where do you propose the money for medical care come from without it? This is way more complicated that you're acknowledging.

[@iamapandacorn1465]

@@pansprayers colleges have insurance for students getting it in the middle of the semester does sound like an issue but op kinda has to leave this horribly abusive situation

[@pansprayers]

@@iamapandacorn1465 I'm not new to this concept - I've been dealing with insurance companies longer than OP has been alive both professionally on the billing end and personally on the treatment side. University coverage (that tends to really SUCK when it comes to prescription coverage) still has enrollment restrictions. Just because it's there, doesn't mean OP can AFFORD IT. You're talking a monthly premium, deductibles, OOP expenses, and co-pays that can rack up an additional $600+ a month just for the policy. So, $500 in rent and then an additional $600 or more for just the insurance policy? That's a starting deficit of at least $1100. You may think that kind of money falls out of trees, but in the real world, it's not that easy.

[@iamapandacorn1465]

@@pansprayers I don’t think money grows on trees I don’t know much about college insurance cause I waive it every semester I was just pointing out an option

[@lynnw7155]

Agreed. They can't 'force' OP to stay. If she wants independence, she needs to leave. Moving in with her boyfriend could go either way--a first step into the real world, or getting into another co-dependent situation.

[@KittenUndercover]

Story 2: I am on OP’s side but I’m surprised that she was surprised about the rest of the group leaving. I don’t know if it was a domestic abuse situation or not but even if it wasn’t, it’s the kids graduation party. Maybe he wanted his mom there, unhinged or not.

[@andysheepleton]

That was what I was thinking. You can pick your friends, buy you can't pick your family and that's the only mom the kid has. I'm sure he is well aware of her shortcomings but maintains a relationship anyway because, she's his mom and has limited choices. That Sally Wonderbread server had a good story going but it was pretty cringe that she was as clueless as she was about how people with more complex lives cope.

[@RosesCookiesAndMilk]

Also the group was probably extremely embarrassed and wanted to leave. Getting the receipt off the wall and reading it out loud you know every table was looking at them

[@justinecorrington4106]

@@andysheepleton right; and then oh but you leaving hurt our business and my tips. The server had a right not to serve, but she have assumed the party would leave. If she had wanted that tip and business so bad; well then serve. Why care about a server that’s a stranger vs family

[@victoriapyles7752]

Wow that one comment kind of triggered me. Anxiety disorders don’t just go away.. that’s like telling someone with depression to just be happy, all you need is a shower and it’ll all go away.

[@messinalyle4030]

Yeah--a lot of well-meaning people in those comments with that unhelpful bootstrap-type mentality that any obstacle can be overcome by an individual person's will and determination. Glad that getting away from her parents did seem to go a long way toward making her anxiety more manageable, thankfully, but she was taking a risk that it might not be enough.

[@335chr]

But how much of the anxiety was real and how much was because of the parent's abuse?

[@335chr]

@@messinalyle4030 so you believe Op should stay in an abusive controlling situation? Also you don't seem to understand what boot strapping means

[@messinalyle4030]

@@335chr *sigh* . . . You're coming across as one of those types of people that intentionally misread other people's words because they like to start an argument. Where did I say she should stay? I only expressed a concern that some of the commenter's *approach* to encouraging her to leave might leave her feeling unsupported and unvalidated. It's better to encourage someone to leave an unhealthy situation in a way that acknowledges the degree of obstacles they will face--the risk of losing their health insurance, their parent's intense disapproval when they have been conditioned to avoid that at all costs. Making light of such obstacles when someone is probably scared out of their mind will only make them feel ashamed of feeling scared, and they probably don't have the energy to carry that emotion on top of everything else. They will feel stronger if they know that people aren't judging them for feeling scared, but are rooting for them to succeed despite everything. How much of the anxiety was a (possibly genetic) neuro-chemical thing and how much was because of her parent's abuse? We don't know exactly because we don't know how much she still struggles with anxiety since escaping, nor are we entitled to know. All we know is that her anxiety has become significantly easier for her to manage than it had been before. And if she still has the anxiety, maybe that means it was there before the abuse and maybe it means that the abuse changed her brain in a way that was not completely reversible, or both.

[@335chr]

@@messinalyle4030 so she shouldn't leave an environment where she is unsupported and unvalidated because she might feel unsupported and unvalidated. Yeah you clearly support abuse

[@purpleiguana208]

That last story, I was with OP right up until they were like, "Hey, if you're part of a big group and someone's acting a fool, it's disrespectful for everyone to leave without tipping." It was a family celebration. If the parents of the person you're celebrating leave, then their child is likely to leave as well. And if that's the case, what's the point to stick around to celebrate the person who isn't even there anymore? And I could be mistaken, but the group hadn't even ordered yet or were just beginning to order but hadn't received any food/drink yet... did I read that right? So what would the group be tipping on exactly? Being seated? Whether it's a domestic violence situation or not, you don't tip people just for seating you, you tip them based on their service. If you leave before you've been served, then what are you tipping for? OP was well within their rights to not serve that complete bitch for her past behavior and to ask her to leave. I'm not saying anything against that. Restaurants have a right to not serve people based on past bad behavior. But insisting that it's disrespectful for the rest of the group to leave without tipping just had me seriously like "WHA???"

[@hyperplaguerat]

Also, why would the group stay after OP read the mother's note out loud for other patrons to hear? They were probably embarrassed 😂

[@hyperplaguerat]

Second OP seems really entitled. The rest of the group isn't required to stay regardless. No restaurant is owed business and servers shouldn't get a tip for a service they didn't provide. Regardless of why they decided not to stay, it doesn't make them jerks.

[@rabinamhr]

Right! She did the right thing asking for the lady to leave but considering it's her son's graduation party of course the group would leave too. I was a little caught off guard when she mentioned about being tipped..for what!

[@dianakosianka5344]

Story 1 - "You're not done cooking yet"... Are they comparing OP to dinner? They're being manipulative and financially abusive here

[@kitsumekat]

What kind of sauce are they serving OP with?

[@mbyerly9680]

The term is used for a fetus in the womb who is still growing. To use it about OP is extremely insulting.

[@pa-pa-plasma]

Story 1: "I think they love me in their way" in response to this I'd like to quote, in the wise words of Neil Gaiman, “It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold. In the other mother's button eyes, Coraline knew that she was a possession, nothing more. A tolerated pet, whose behavior was no longer amusing.” Loving someone as a person & loving someone as an object are two completely different things. It's hard to accept that someone might only love you as an object, as something that they own and must control, but if you ever want to be happy you have to acknowledge that they don't see you as a person & it's best to just leave them. It's a painful bandaid to rip off but sometimes parents are just pieces of shit who should never have had kids.

[@magiv4205]

Realizing that my narcissistic birth mother never actually loved me or my siblings for anything except the fact that she made us and we made her look good was an incredibly painful bandaid to rip off a few years ago, but it set me on the path to healing. I fully stand by this quote.

[@bgcorporation]

Story 2: Yaaaaaa even if someone is an asshole, don't be shocked if everyone leaves lol. It's not "Enabling". It was more of a "Well the mother of the kid can't eat here so we gotta eat somewhere else." No way in hell would a group eat in the establishment.

[@natnuss98]

Yes. Thought so too. Like what do you expect they can eat in any other restaurant where they aren't banned.

[@sfx387]

Right? I think OP literally was only thinking of it being her side or the crazy mum's side, nah girl, its this kids graduation dinner, we are not gonna stick around here after such an uncomfortable atmosphere was created, even if it was the crazy mum's initial actions that caused it. Why should this kid have to put up with that awkwardness on his special day? If it were me, I would definitely recommend going to a different location so we could actually refocus on what we were celebrating, not to support the crazy mum but to bring the situation back to the kid's accomplishments since it was all ruined with the drama of the situation. (Not blaming OP for calling crazy mum out or anything, she is in her rights if the lady is on their do not serve list, but like, ofc the people will leave, the celebratory atmosphere was ruined here...)

[@tamitami9275]

I am kind of wondering what happened to cause the moms melt down before, the OP gave me bad vibes for thinking the rest of the family should stay and tip her. Is the mom just an AH or was she provoked?? I just kind of wonder. I just feel like the first part is missing context, and maybe it is missing for a reason.

[@Snowshowslow]

@@tamitami9275 Honestly, I am not sure what excuse you can have for calling a server a whore (unless she was actually trying to seduce a member of your party for money). Maybe the server was unpleasant or unreasonable then, but as a customer you can always just leave.

[@tamitami9275]

@@Snowshowslow Wow! I missed that. I must go back and watch it again.

[@m3l199]

1st story: don't tell the narcs in your life you're moving out! Once you've saved up money for it, just do it! This would be like telling an abuser you're leaving. They'll make your life miserable until you leave and work to make it harder for you to leave. Like make you start paying for things around the house like the washer and dryer.

[@thedestroyasystem]

“Like?” They are abusers. She DID tell her abusers she was leaving. That was very stupid, but luckily she managed to get out okay.

[@susankaempfer8427]

I was thinking the same. Move first, tell them… maybe.

[@lindah3803]

Story 2: I worked in an establishment similar to OPs and had more than 1 situation like that. We always kicked out the offender. Sometimes everyone would leave. There were times that some stayed because they didn't want any part of the b××ch fest that would follow with those who had left. You always feel bad for the guest of honor that just had their celebration tanked.

[@b.c.9358]

Wow these parents are so incredibly controlling, emotionally manipulative, and abusive.

[@emasters8619]

They are. But they are not wrong about her making a mistake moving in with the boyfriend. Find something affordable for just yourself so you can have "you" time after the years of being controlled like this. You guys can still be a couple. Stop asking and sharing information with the parents and just DO.

[@shells500tutubo]

@@emasters8619 You don't get it. They are not right, because no matter how she moved out they would say it was a mistake. She knows his parents well, and she is not living for free (500/mo). I think it is a good temporary situation, since she is so close to graduating and may not stay in the same location. She needs to go NC with her parents. I'm pretty sure they are responsible for the sister's behavior. She wasn't obedient like Op, but that was her way out.

[@videofan1010]

Story 2: The woman was an ahole but it was her son's graduation. What did the server expect?

[@shebakoby]

A STEP DAD HAS NO AUTHORITY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU CANNOT MOVE OUT. Period. End of sentence.

[@pansprayers]

Jesus, why are you screaming? If OP is being carried on his insurance, he sure can use it as leverage. Do you know how much Prozac costs, out of pocket, even in a generic? Then, we'll talk about how much a doctor's appointment runs to get the prescription. You don't just cold turkey SSRI'S. Apparently you're one of those 'it's that easy' people. It's way more complex than you're qualified to opine on.

[@iamalbertwesker2]

A PARENT* fixed it for you

[@shebakoby]

@@iamalbertwesker2 well that too, obviously, but for a *step* parent, that goes triple.

[@shebakoby]

@@pansprayers not screaming, just emphasizing. Step parents don't get to tell you to do diddly squat, let alone tell you that you CANNOT move out. On principle. Neither the cost of prozac or tea in China has anything to do with that.

[@xxKuroKajixx]

No parent does. Even biological.

[@jessereyna6662]

Story 2: I don’t get why the server wondered why everyone would leave. Graduate’s mother gets kicked, graduate will obviously leave with his own mother. And no that is not enabling at all, it’s family. If my brother behaved like ass at a bar and was unknowingly band from the place, then all his brothers and friends took him for some birthday drinks at the same bar. Only for him to be kicked out, yes we would all leave and find another bar. I don’t see how this is even a conversation that needs to be had, it is bloody obvious.

[@tamitami9275]

But, but, a large party has to stay and tip her...

[@crazyminegamer2339]

I wouldn’t even go to another place. I’d be chastising whichever sibling thought it would be a smart idea to pull something like that once we actually left the place and completely cancel our plans. OP sounds like a really dense person who thinks people are only ever given shit for their behaviour in public places, where it’s embarrassing for everyone involved and unnecessarily humiliating. I swear, both edits just set a fire in me. OP ended up sounding super entitled too.

[@owl7072]

Story 1: They're pulling some Mother Gothel type shit and that's scary. Maybe Op should consider watching Tangled 🤔 Edit: "Stop letting them" people seem to _really_ underestimate the absolute death grip abusers can have on their victim's mental state. Telling them "Oh just don't let them/stop letting them" or "you don't need their permission" does literally _n o t h i n g_ for someone whose being mentally and emotionally abused/manipulated. Fear of the unknown can be _intense_ and a lot of abusers know that. Again, look at Mother Gothel. "It's not like they'll cut you off" Them cutting Op off:

[@amandab8433]

First Story. My daughter (19) and I were literally listening to this on the way to move some things into her new apartment. She said that even though her father and I are overly protective sometimes, that at least we never discouraged her from living her life. When she was 15 we let her go alone to Washington from here in California, because she was picked to present at a tech conference. Then the next year for the same thing, but she traveled with a friend to Osaka Japan. She is my "Baby", but as parents it is our job to love them, raise them, teach them, and then let them live their own lives. I'm so happy that OP had a great support system outside of her family. I hope she lives a happy and fulfilling life.

[@dannietea]

Story 2: After that whole shitshow, why are you surprised they all left?

[@gilleschiasson2506]

Got the feeling the parents got some money from keeping her home without her knowing it

[@CarinaCoffee]

Story 2: NTA. I'm sure it's not the first time the kid had to suffer from having such ridiculous parents, especially such a mum. It sucks for the kid, but for the restaurant and servers they don't have to be treated this way.

[@slytherinlibrarian3501]

The do not serve OP didn’t mention it so that she didn't seem speculative, but reddit cottoned on pretty quick that the man she was with when she left her unhinged rant on the receipt _was not_ the husband she was with at the large graduation party. Questions came up as to whether she grabbed at the frame, caused a bigger scene, and left to distract her husband from asking the obvious question of when she was last there and who she was with...

[@jenniferhanses7064]

That's definitely another point of interest in the story. And another point of awkward for the party. Though as OP doesn't have the information, we also don't know if she and the grad's father are married to begin with. If they never married or are divorced, and are on good terms, they could well have decided to host the dinner without there being any scandal attached.

[@Tammohawk1]

1. I'm so glad OP got out. Those parents are nuts. And it's the law that parents carry their children on their insurance until they are 16, regardless of where they are living. I just don't understand the mindset of those people. 2. Of course the entire group was going to leave. From the sound of it, the parents were the hosts of the dinner. I wouldn't stay. And if you haven't been served why leave a tip? I wouldn't tip in that instance. I only tip based on the service I receive.

[@LetholdusKaspyr]

Last story: the OP isn't wrong for 95% of this, but when you kick out one family member, you've kicked out a whole family, abuse situation be damned. What are they going to do? Ask her to go wait in the car, and they'll take her someplace else after? Doesn't make a lot of sense.

[@MegaWuggles]

the ending just makes her sound like someone who feels entitled to a tip for existing.

[@LetholdusKaspyr]

@@MegaWuggles Not quite, in my opinion, but definitely self-centered and short-sighted.

[@chrisidornigie]

⁠​⁠@@MegaWugglesyour idiote comment feels like you think you can bother social with your existence….

[@chrisidornigie]

“You’ve kicked out a whole family” that’s the dumbest comment I’ve seen yet, if they choose to enable that skank that’s their choice. It’s not OP’s problem

[@egalitarian2207]

Story 1: I grew up with serious anxiety and other issues, a good amount of which came from my parents impeding my natural progress in order to “protect” me. My parents aren’t narcissists and want me to grow more nowadays but the anxiety on all of our parts fed into each other. Now at 28 I’m still trying to figure out how to handle normal things

[@pansprayers]

'What's stopping you from moving out?' Well Reddit, the insane cost of healthcare in America, to begin with. The threat of cancelled health insurance alone is crippling when a month of freaking Prozac can cost up to $500 mo without it, and therapists aren't cheap either. Even low/no cost services are overstretched to the point of long waiting lists, if not completely closed. Love people who think it's all a yes/no.

[@wintermute9459]

And most jobs don't provide coverage until your 90 days in with full time hours

[@floraposteschild4184]

Most likely though she will be able to get care through her college. She should go to the counsellors there, and the people who administer the grants, and see what can be done.

[@atinyevil1383]

Not including the psychological manipulation their family has been pulling for years that makes them feel that they can't leave.

[@GiordanDiodato]

and let's not forget how much rent has increased in the past 6 months.

[@faeb.9618]

honestly what irked em the most about that kind of comment is how it's completely ignoring the red flags and the actual manipulation and abuse going on there. do they not realize that people aren't just being whiny about being adults and go through some real shit with family that doesn't make the decision so clear???

[@silentmuse6660]

Story 2: Op doesn't seem to understand the term 'Akward.' The family just found out that someone a part of their family is almost incredibly unhinged, causing a huge scene in a restaurant that SHE probably invited them to. Why the heck would they stay? Leaving does not equal them supporting her, they probably all left because they felt uncomfortable eating in a place that the family member caused a huge scene in. Like how would it even go if they stayed? "Sorry that person was acting so crazy but could we get some menus?" Sucks for the restaurant that lost out on a huge payout, but the lady they kicked out was probably paying the bill and the family had no other reason to stay as the party was pretty much canceled due the lady's own actions.

[@aaroneisenman6873]

I'm sorry but I have a crazy member(my sister) in my family like the mom.. I totally would have stayed at the restaurant. If my crazy sister wanted to act a fool and get kicked out that is on her...I would refuse to allow her to ruin a celebration that was about another family members accomplishments.

[@mashonem]

@@aaroneisenman6873 sure jan

[@mizv4043]

I feel for the op in story 1. I think alot of the responses are coming from people who had never been in that situation or had to deal with that mindset. Theyre fully aware of her anxiety and are exploiting the shit out of it to the point where theres a mental wall there that sends her anxiety over the top in regards to independent living. She needed someone to take her hand and pull her out. however her mistake was telling the parents she was moving out before she did it. she should have just started packing and getting stuff out slowly and then been out and told them.

[@flamelily2086]

Story 1 By the time I was 24 I was married with an 8 year old stepson and a 4 year old son. OP's parents are extremely controlling and they want to keep OP around as a free housekeeper/babysitter for her brother. OP is an adult for heavens sake. She doesn't need her parents permission to do anything. OP should make her plans and save her money and then tell them she is moving out. I can't believe a 24 year old is still so cowed by her parents. They have not helped her anxiety problem at Al, they are taking advantage of it to keep OP at home by telling her she will never survive in the world.

[@AndyyWithAY]

As someone with anxiety I can say with confidence that handling your 💩 helps so much with anxiety. Everyone needs help sometimes, but knowing I can handle things or call someone who can helps a lot. Having parents that infantilize makes it all so much worse.

[@Oicurmtoyoy]

Story 1: They're using her, and their behavior is probably what gave her the anxiety in the first place. It's possible they genuinely do think they're doing what's best, but only because they don't see OP as a real person, and thus don't think she should be treated like one. It's hard to get into a narc's head.

[@rogerrabbit80]

There's a lot here that doesn't make sense to me. Stepdad and mom obviously don't want OP to move out. Fine, I get that. But why? Is it because they want a free live-in maid, housekeeper and nanny? Or is it that they truly believe OP is incapable of surviving in the "real world"? Then why did they not only let OP go to college, but pay for at least part of it? Why let OP get an education that would be useless? Why let her mix with people who might give her "dangerous" ideas? There's something going on here. OP's parents fought too hard, and then suddenly gave in. Why? "When in doubt, follow the money." OP never mentions anything about where her parents get their money. Not a word about needing to adjust her schedule around their working schedules to babysit. She does mention surprise "drills" in the middle of the night, which would mess up the parents' work/sleep balance. And yet, there seems to be plenty of money. Enough to help support bio-dad and her autistic brother. Enough to keep bailing her older sister out of trouble. Enough that, every time OP talked about getting a job, she was told, "Let us pay for it." OP has a car, but never had the opportunity to save up to get it, so I'm guessing the parents paid for it. OP might have just felt this was unimportant and not bothered to mention it. But most people, when discussing problems that are at least partly financial with their parents, at least make a mention of their income source. "Dad's an engineer, so he knows about that." "Mom doesn't think so, but she's an electrician, and doesn't know how much medical stuff costs." "They're retired, but have some good investments, and can help take care of my brother." So I'm starting to wonder if there's some financial shenanigans going on. Did OP's maternal grandparents leave her an inheritance of some sort, that the parents can access until OP claims it? Is there some sort of payment that stops if OP moves out? Have they been spending funds that are supposed to belong to OP, and are worrying about getting caught?

[@Oicurmtoyoy]

@@rogerrabbit80 Wow, I'd never thought of that. That said, it's impossible for us to know. In any case, OP made the right choice in leaving. If she's owed money, I hope she goes for it.

[@marybrown6756]

If the mother of the child who was graduating as paying the bill, of course the rest of the group is going to leave. They are there for a free meal. Personally, I say good riddance to bad rubbish. Bye-bye.

[@stevenmccart5455]

Whether deserved or not , when you kick someone out of a restaurant any expectation of a tip goes with them.

[@reallyisay]

Last story, NTA..good for this restaurant for standing up to the unhinged people..sorry for loss to both server and restaurant, but OP did the right thing

[@djdomain]

Story 1 : This story and others makes me wish that there'd be a mandatory class in high school to educate teens about what abusive relationships with parents can look like, and how to handle adult responsibilities like applying for grants, jobs, rental contracts, etc. Basically all the things you'd need to know to operate as an independant adult if you have parents who think they know what's best for you more than you do, and their idea of best for you is living the rest of your life at home as a domestic servant/therapy pet. I didn't know how to apply for a debit account until I was 28, which meant I couldn't buy anything online and couldn't book flights or accomodations to travel anywhere, so I lived up until this point as an oversized child dragged along on family trips doing what they wanted. They refused to let me take any kind of job, saying "your schoolwork is your job" and "we provide you with everything you need so you don't need to" (hint : my allowance was a fraction of what I could have made working an after school job at min wage, or even a morning newspaper route). It's accurate to say that their selfish decisions stunted me financially and socially, and if had a genie wish/mulligan and re-lived my life, at 18 knowing then what I know now I'd apply for any job suitable, move out, and go low to no contact with them depending on how much grief they gave or attempted to hinder my efforts.

[@WhtAbtBob10]

Story 2: OP is fine with not serving the woman and asking her to leave but is completely wrong on everybody else staying after she left. Even if my mother was in the wrong I would still have gone somewhere else because I want to celebrate as a group. It doesn't have to be enabling or a domestic abuse situation. I'm absolutely not tipping on service I didn't receive and food and drunk didn't even get to order.

[@JR-zi4bj]

Story 2 - OP NTA. I'm not surprised the whole family left without compensation/tip. What WOULD surprise me is if (with or without EM) they'd stayed and HAD tipped. Either: ¹The group would still be upset she'd been kicked out and the tip would suffer, or ²EM had handled the bill last time ($∅ tip) and being the parent of the grad, was likely paying again. OP probably dodged a bullet, this way she wasn't bogged down serving a huge table that wouldn't tip well, and since it was during "peak times", she could probably fill the tables fairly quickly. Ultimately though this is just a story about how servers should earn a living wage and tipping should be done away with.

[@floran3098]

I agree that op should move out in story 1 but the comments who are all "what is stopping you" reek of people who've never dealt with abusive relationships, or poverty

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

Hey you yes you remember to take care of yourself gosh darn it, you are always valid, and I love you and care about you so please take care of yourself 💜💜🤗🤗💜💜🤗🤗

[@jessicapalmer3455]

Glad to see you're still here!! 💙💙

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

@@jessicapalmer3455 it's nice to see you too m8 🤗🤗💜💜

[@jessicapalmer3455]

@@broken_queer_but_fighting8589 don't forget that you're loved and you ROCK! 💙💙

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

@@jessicapalmer3455 aww thanks and you are stellar 🤗🤗💜💜

[@jacquiethebibliophil]

The parents sound like Mother Gothel in Rapunzel (Tangled). "Mother knows best" could have been playing in the background of the conversations the OP had with them.

[@janmots2829]

Story 1: My advice to OP would be to get out while you still can. My parents did the exact same thing to me & now I'm stuck here looking after them in their old age. Her parents are manipulative narcissists and the best thing she can do is cut off contact with them. I wish I'd done with mine but I didn't have the support to do so.

[@lamarasawyer850]

Back up. U do realize that u can up & leave, right? I know it's easier said than done, but if u having ur own life means that much to u, then u r gonna have to leave. Say what u will, but u will need to defy ur parents if u want to live. If u also don't have the proper credentials to be looking after elderly folks, then that's all the more reason why u need to leave. I'm sorry for this wall of text, but u will have to pick between ur parents or ur life. Cause with the way ur describing them, u can't have both. I do hope u will find it in ur heart to rebel against ur parents and to give urself the compassion that u deserve. Also sorry if I overstep.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Not sure why OP is surprised that the family left. I wouldn't just continue to eat when a member of my party was kicked out. If the lady is banned that's fine, but it shouldn't be shocking that the party left.

[@tiamawashington512]

Exactly like WHAT!!!

[@politereminder6284]

Agreed! She is delusional.

[@lilolmecj]

While the note was rude, it was not unhinged. And there was enabling on both sides. Unhinged would be including a threat, imo. And obviously if a member of my party was thrown out I would also leave. Well, let’s say the meal had been served and someone started to act a fool and was asked to leave I would probably try to arrange a ride if needed, say they were acting a fool because of being drunk. Then I would stay for my meal. But in the unlikely event that the restaurant picked a fight with them for no reason whatsoever. I would leave. This waitress was on a bit of a power trip. And the customer seems to have zero self control.

[@thtlonelyguyify]

Right . Like yea if there’s a group of us celebrating for family but aunt sally is banned from somewhere we’re not just gonna tell her to leave and continue without her. lol

[@FlamesofJagger]

2nd story: NTA. Anyone on the 'do not serve list' is there for a reason. Staff does not have to deal with them once on that list. OP and her coworkers did the right thing. That the family walked out with her is on them. I do feel sorry for the graduate who just wanted to celebrate, but everyone else in that family should be on the 'dns' list now

[@MegaWuggles]

so people should go on a do not serve list for changing their mind and leaving before even being served? that's pretty dumb.

[@MrJpaynebb]

@@MegaWuggles they choose to leave with their family member which is their right to do. That is not a reason to be on a ban list. However now the family knows how her behavior is such and issue that she's been banned from a restaurant. Some of them will think twice before agreeing to a lunch or dinner out in public again with her because she can be an embarrassment to them. Hopefully she'll learn to behave better and not be so judgmental to any other waitstaff.

[@GMAMEC]

I agree with you regarding the NTA and staff boundaries. Why should the family, except the graduate, be on the ‘dns’ list? What should have happened?

[@TheSpaceMomma]

It was right to kick the mother out - but the people who expect the whole family to continue on without the kids own mother are weird. Of course they are going to go somewhere else.

[@FlamesofJagger]

@@GMAMEC okay, for the family, I was wrong, having had time to think about it. But the NTA stands for not serving the morher for her actions and keeping her on the dns list.

[@fhuber7507]

1.. OP can move out any time they want at 24. Get a job and GET. OP must NOT let the abusive parents know they have a job or savings. Set up the escape plan and run.

[@ian7064]

Story 2: NTA but my god do some commenters automatically go to the extreme in these stories. The lady was an entitled b but that doesn't mean she's gonna beat up her husband or child afterwards just bc the restaurant kicked her out

[@gigga143]

story 2: NTA but i don't understand why the server thought the rest of the party should stay or leave a tip after you kick one member of the party out. it was her son's graduation, of course if she gets kicked out that means the whole party goes. i think the server was right in the initial decision not to serve her but wrong to expect people to tip for a service they won't be getting provided. sometimes doing the right thing comes with consequences.

[@Finallyflowered]

Story 2: OP is NTA and completely made the right call that woman sounds like trash. However OP comes off as entitled in the edits. If you refuse service you don't get paid for services rendered.

[@Amna613]

Story 2: NTA BUT YTA for expecting to be tipped after refusing service.

[@markiusgalfordii9248]

It's pretty bad out there nowadays it cost so much much to live. There are no middle classes anymore anymore in the USA you're either rich or you're poor money wise anyways. A lot of people have had to move in with their parents even though they left the house years years before. This is the way society is working right now. Everything's so expensive now that that there are going to be multiple generations live in in the same house. Because even working 2 full time jobs you still will not have enough money is of money to survive. As a society we are stepping back instead of going forward.

[@b.c.9358]

And billionaires choose to underpay their workers because "shareholders"

[@reallyisay]

FFS that is not true..yes it's harder, housing and food are overpriced But it's far from being the Dystopian society you're fantasizing

[@reallyisay]

This is not True..you haven't a clue what that Dystopian society really looks like...the USA isn't even close.. stop fantasizing or romanticizing this Nightmare

[@damien678]

Honestly, I think more people would be better off in multigenerational homes just because of how economic it is. But yeah... not all of us have good family to do that with. Nor good enough friends to live together with. My fiance and I are incredibly lucky we live in a small af, but cheap place. We can actually live below our means, especially since we try not to buy too much stuff. But that's due to lucking out. The system even in Australia is starting to get bad like that. But I know how much worse is it for US people.

[@itrasheditgood]

The server kicked out the graduate’s mom, most likely the person who invited the family to the special occasion. How do you think the rest of the family is going to react, of course they’re going to leave. Why would you even expect some kind of tip for service not rendered? I get it, it sucks to have to kick people out, even if you are only following policy, but you have to remember that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. There is always going to be some kind of back lash for a ban, in this case it was witnessed first hand.

[@DerekScottBland]

NTA on story 2, but good god... is OP really so dumb that they're lashing out at the family for leaving? It's a family celebration, they aren't going to tell the mom to leave so they can all stay. And saying the rest of the family should have left a tip? This is an example of how entitled service workers have now become. They don't deserve to be treated like shit, but they also do not get to demand tips no matter what, especially when they don't do any work and they throw the party out before anyone can order.

[@rokuth]

On the 2nd story, OP is NTA. However, if I was in a party of people at a restaurant and one of the people was asked to leave, then I would leave too, as would the rest of the party, because 1) We would feel uncomfortable continuing to stay when one of our group was barred from the venue. It just would not feel right. 2) I don't know OP or the rest of the staff. I don't know the reason for the "unhinged statement." However I DO know the other people of the party. IF they feel solidarity with the person barred, I would follow them out. Of course the rest of the party left! I was surprised that OP did not expect that. It may be misplaced loyalty, but it is still loyalty. Nothing more or nothing less that I would expect from friends and relatives. IMHO of course.

[@littleflame5530]

If parents try to physically keep you in the house call the police tell them you are being held against your will.

[@musicallydisneyamvs6731]

Story 1.) Feels emotionally abusive. No one seemed to mention that? Or does Narcissistic cover that? Glad OP got out. Thank God!

[@Bloodshewolf]

I was thinking the same thing. Yikes SOOOOO much toxicity. Makes me think of the story where the mother calls the cops on her 21yo daughter because she wanted to get away from her toxicity, and cats.

[@WatsonAndDaughter]

Narcissistic parents are rarely not abusive, so it usually covers that.

[@musicallydisneyamvs6731]

@@WatsonAndDaughter Ah! Ok, thanks.

[@stephaniesomer5934]

I hope OP sends all the Reddit thread to her parents after she leaves. This grandma left home at 17. I couldn’t wait to be the master of my own fate! Wishing her and her boyfriend all the best and much success! 🤗❤️🇺🇸

[@Azulakayes]

Story 2: You can't write insults to someone or insult them verbally and expect them to welcome you.

[@quinteni.g.9117]

Story 1: My parents did a similar thing to me. “You won’t make it” and “it’s going to go bad” were common comments from them. They were almost no contact for five months after I moved out. They realized I kept the family out together and reached out. Been moved out for 2 years now and am leaving to a different state…needless to say they’re scrambling.

[@TheBre1491]

The comment that said the anxiety will go away ticked me off. I have general anxiety disorder. It never goes away. You learn to deal with it, but it will always be there. I have a harder time at jobs, but I manage. Maybe therapy would help? I have done therapy which has helped but it will be something I deal with my whole life. Probably OP as well. I’ve been on my own for a while now. It doesn’t just magically disappear. I wish it did lol.

[@EterniiTea]

I empathize so hard with the OP of story one. It was like reading my own story… it’s not identical, but the way their parents acted just… it hit so close to home. Too close to home. I got out at 23, and I am so proud of the OP.

[@greenbeacon394]

Story 1: our household has this magical device called a dishwasher!

[@dm9078]

Reap meet Sow! I was going to say NTA. But of course they left and they are certainly not going to leave a tip after you kicked out a member of their party. Expecting a tip under those circumstances is koo-koo bananas

[@thecatnipisalie4412]

Story 1: My own mental health improved by leaps and bounds when I moved out of my parent's home. Coming out of the fog can be very disorienting, but also exciting. I'm happy for OP.

[@shannonbullock2202]

Refusing to serve the woman was fine...BUT not well thought out since u expected the rest of her party to stay. She invited them and was likely paying. The graduation celebration is gonna follow the graduate and parents hosting. Common sense

[@michaelautrey6641]

i still cant get over how many times this woman goes back to get approval. she is 24 years old and she is still asking permission just to live life as an adult. i wonder how much of that anxiety will clear right up once she moves out. i wonder how many years her parents spent beating her down mentally and emotionally to get her dependent on them.

[@meghansherman6880]

OP's narcissist parents are hobbling them! Telling OP that they aren't done cooking?! They can't leave or handle anxiety. Parents are very psychologically abusive. 😢

[@thevoidismyhome7242]

I have anxiety (not diagnosed but almost certain) and my (adopted) father has allowed me to stay in the apartment with him, but has also encouraged me to figure out my life. He supported me when I dropped out of Uni, and is supporting me while I look for a job. He has faults, yes, and contributed to some of the issues I am struggling with today, but he also is allowing me to be an adult even knowing my anxiety, and supports me in my endeavors.

[@thevoidismyhome7242]

Also, it feels like sexism, because they think OP, who is female, only belongs at home if they need her.

[@Rjeda30]

It doesn’t matter what her parents think or feel, she is a legal adult and doesn’t need their permission to do a single thing. This is nuts. These people need help asap.

[@lindaouellette6656]

Wait!, she didn’t tip the first time she was in there.. what makes you so sure she would have tipped this time especially with a large group, be glad they left without any service at all.

[@kathleenmcfarlane2555]

Story 2: Only a fool eats at an establishment where they previously treated the staff poorly.

[@OriginalAsherella]

I bet that he OP’s parents get some kind of kickback for her living there. Like if her anxiety issues are severe enough and she is been categorized or qualified as any type of disabled is very likely they get money. I could be wrong but I think it’s a possibility

[@wildfyah]

"you aren't ready for the world yet." Ugh

[@jerrystauffer2351]

The family gave her the anxiety. Run away. She'll never be accepted as an adult by her parents.

[@starbird3939]

Story 2 - NTA The woman was a rude Karen and deserves to not be served by the establishment anymore. However, if she booked the venue, of course her party is going to leave.

[@missamanda2703]

My son is 21 his time with me since he graduated high school is a gift. I'm not holding finances over him to control him.

[@untiedshoelaces2588]

Story 1: It sounds like OP's parents are grooming her to eventually marry someone of their choosing. By keeping her dependent, submissive, with good childcare and household skills - she'll be a good wife for either the child of, or even one of their business associates. They're probably just waiting for her to finish her studies and then she'll really know what their plan really is. Story 2: Sounds like mama Karen clearly wears the pants and Carrie's the bank book in that family. It's just a case of someone receiving the consequences of their actions. Be nasty to the staff of an establishment - get banned from the establishment.

[@lillithherondale1972]

NTA for the server story. You have the right to refuse service to anyone, especially if they were rude in the past.

[@kelf114]

What I want to know about story number two..... Was it just a crop top and shorts? Or was it the kind of top and shorts that have your bits spilling out? Honestly, I usually don't see servers dressed like that unless it's a dive. Even the Hooters girls outfits are respectable. Basic tank top and shorts. Most respectable places have uniforms, or a uniform style of dress (ie black pants, white shirt). There are things we are not being told that do have bearing on this story.

[@CO84trucker]

I put up with the narcissist BS from my mother growing up and I'm no psychologist but having a narcissist parent is eerily similar to the crab mentality.

[@ellorasg4525]

Story 1: Mother Gothel vibes 🤣 Story 2: I saw a few trouble making customers. It was funny watching them get kicked out.

[@CensorshipVictim]

Story 2: Poor kid has probably been embarrassed and kicked out of a lot of places because of his mom.

[@HodajuciParadoks]

1. She is 24, she is adult, she should leave, pick stuff that she can and leave. She can work, get her home or move in with bf. 2. That woman is an ass, but it is pretty normal for them all to leave with her, they are going to have conversation in private, if they even believe OP. But most people do not argue or have serious conversation in public. They have come there together, they leave together. It is ok for OP to refuse her service, full right, but no idea why she is surprised that all of them left. They went there for family time not for food or drinks...those are extra.

[@nitemare1004]

the "you're going to fail out there in the real world" reminds me of a friend's mom who so effing negative that she said this to her youngest when they were going to move out. other two siblings were content living with their parents and no moving up in the world (they were in their late 30s, the youngest being in her mind 20s when this happened. guess what? the youngest is thriving, married, a house, 5 dogs, far away from the parents while their mom complains that other two aren't doing anything productive... missery love company

[@stephenaris2072]

Purposefully paying money so you remember the 2 pillars holding up a monument

[@wildfyah]

Story 1 these are the types of parents who will sabotage you every chance they get then hold it over your head when it suits them. OPs mental health issues were being caused by the parents. My parents were similar to the point I realized I can do some things and I'll be like, "I can do that?"

[@JSainte17]

Yeah I was thinking the same. Of course they all left. It doesn't mean they're enabling. It means a restaurant isn't the place to discuss family drama and of course they also want to hear her side, and again, while getting kicked out, isn't the place.

[@oops383]

Story 2: NTA. I agree with what happened but disagree with blaming the rest of the party for leaving. My family is kind of similar and if I decided to stay I probably wouldn’t have a ride home and I wouldn’t hear the end of it for at least a year. I’m not getting stranded at a restaurant for the employees to have some of the planned party served.

[@andrediamond4374]

Story 1: It's such an indictment on the American medical system that someone needs to be on insurance to get Prozac. A medication that's like 60 years old and has generic versions available all around the world

[@InItForTheParking]

Story 1: While you are an adult and don't have to have permission to move out...keep in mind you are still in school and have a free ride that you would be giving early. Me personally, I'd tough it out until graduation. Maybe even snag one more of those allowances.

[@amberleeannalee1999]

I have a narc mom and a door mat enabling father. I’m 44 and it doesn’t get better only worse. My parents want me to care for them too. OP probably has cptsd from living with narc parents. They infantilize you!! They use you as a maid and thrive when u suffer

[@hugoumero9723]

Jesus christ what an idiot doormat from staying with her and have no shiny spine Maybe they deserve to abusive nurse home

[@134Z]

3rd story was wild, the woman was awful, and genuinely shound have been banned but expecting the family to stay after the mother was kicked out? And claiming they should pay for the party being rejected? Yeesh, it was a family gathering, totally valid to kick her, but very entitled to think the others should stay, or tip anyways, that's a hard no.

[@brendaatlas850]

After having been moved out of parents house for awhile OP may find that they don't need meds anymore.

[@Ambidexter143]

OP is on parents' insurance because she's a student. She'll loose the insurance on her 26th birthday. So she needs to get a backup plan for that.

[@OceanSongBird6355]

Story 1: i have a narcissist for a parent (trying to go no contact) and so this story was interesting as my dad is somewhat the opposite in the sense that he couldn’t wait for me to leave because he didn’t want me spending his money anymore and he also wanted to live through me as I am trying to become a screenwriter and voice actor. He also constantly pressured me and my sibling to get a job because again he didn’t want to pay for anything including us. I’m so glad that OP was able to move away cause it does help immensely I haven’t seen my father in about 2 years and my life has been so much brighter it will get better 💙

[@cynicalminion]

in regards to the reservation vs. "do not serve" list: if the woman hadn't just left a note, she would've been told to her FACE she wasn't going to get served, and the reservation never would have been made. as it is, sounds like the woman's going to be less of a presence in the kid's life now that they've graduated. they've experienced IN PERSON that their mother is impacting THEIR social life, and that the rest of the family cares more about enabling her than celebrating THEM...