I'm Considering A Divorce After My Step-Daughter Ran Away From Her Surprise Party r/Relationships

[@slytherinlibrarian3501]

_'In my culture, turning 15 is very important.'_ Did OP throw Lucy _a surprise Quinceañera?!_

[@void9938]

That's what I'm thinking 😳

[@DerekCoward]

That's the impression I was getting, but I didn't think that was possible.

[@LadySynako]

That's exactly what I was thinking 🤔 Also I heard that Quinceañeras can cost up to that much (the 5 digit sum); so that kinda solidifies it further.

[@ShakeMilkyWay1]

based on the bill, it seems likely

[@nilianstroy]

After 7 years of being told that she doesn't like bday parties...

[@NotYouNotMe-fw1fh]

So the woman in the first story said. "I admit that I threw this party for ME and not Lucy, but I refuse to foot the bill for it.

[@rogerrabbit80]

"I'm gonna throw a $10,000+ party, using my stepdaughter who hates birthday parties as an excuse. Then I'm going to whine when the kid doesn't jump for joy and tearfully thank me for the party she didn't want. THEN I'm going to insist my husband pay for the party, because I claimed it was for his daughter." The whole mess could have been prevented with one question - "Husband, do you think throwing your daughter a surprise party for her 15th birthday is a good idea?" But OP knew best, and had to have her way. Now she's whining about having to pay for the party she wanted.

[@ladyv5655]

@@rogerrabbit80, she knew her husband would have told her, "OP, that isn't a good idea. You know Lucy hates parties. Maybe you can cook a special dinner for the family and get a cake. And let's ask Lucy if she might want to invite a friend of two."

[@rogerrabbit80]

@@ladyv5655 And that's why she didn't ask.

[@TheRockinDonkey]

Don’t forget a party with 10 guests and a grocery store cake wasn’t good enough for her. No wonder her husband checked out of that marriage. The entitlement is off the charts.

[@emo7636]

Except she paid for everything?

[@AndyyWithAY]

What TF is wrong with OP?? She spent over 10k and she didn't realize?? And she doesn't have the money? I hope she's not pregnant again. She's so irresponsible.

[@jdkillzone]

Probably one of the reasons dear old hubby is tired of her crap. Irresponsible with money, emotionally immature, and doesn't listen to others are all pretty destructive traits when it comes to a marriage.

[@darkwolfe6286]

Makes one wonder, Why did he marry her. I'm not seeing a lot of upside here ?

[@narugirl8653]

@@darkwolfe6286 because he thought of her as a partner that was fun. This mess shouldn't have happened because they made it clear she wasn't to be a mother to Lucy. Also wondering why she couldn't have planned her own party

[@dylanpalmer5151]

@@darkwolfe6286 Probably rather attractive and was sufficiently low-maintenance before marriage that he thought it wouldn't be an issue. Then he married her and the evil step-mom came out to play. Notice how she said she tried doing what commenters were recommending, but immediately after says that whenever she approached step-daughter, she got the cold shoulder. IE not doing what the commenters were recommending.

[@Rose-yt5hi]

@@dylanpalmer5151 She comes off as very overbearing. I’m not surprised that even though she’s been in Lucy’s life since Lucy was 8, Lucy never warmed up to her. It doesn’t sound like OP ever respected Lucy’s boundaries or allowed her to get comfortable with their relationship on her own terms. No mention of what happened to Lucy’s bio-mom.

[@MisterNightfish]

Oh my god the update makes it so much worse. How fiscally irresponsible can she be? 5 figures on a birthday party and she doesn't even have that money? Jesus Christ.

[@carlrood4457]

Keep in mind the party was in their home. It wasn't some catering hall they had to rent.

[@samanthaw3845]

@@carlrood4457 that just boggles my mind! I would have trouble spending four figures on a party in my own home, let alone five!

[@karlat7880]

And she knew the girl didn’t want a party. And she never discussed it with her husband at all but now she expects him to pay for it.

[@bigrivtodagled8210]

Actually, the update sheds a new life on the husband and his role in why everything went to heck. It’s like someone not telling their partner they are infertile and the SO doing research on how they can improve the chances of getting pregnant.

[@TheRockinDonkey]

@@bigrivtodagled8210 I don’t know. OP’s stepdaughter didn’t want her to know, and given how pushy OP is, I’m not sure I blame her or her dad for keeping it from her. Ultimately, I’m wondering how in the hell the two of them became a couple, much less got married, given how vastly different their expectations are.

[@crazypyp5871]

The wording OP uses makes it clear here. Step daughter ran away and OP says: "The party was amazing." Except for the most important person when planning a birthday party. The one with the birthday. She wasn't happy because she didn't want this. OP wanted this. And then there's also. "I had a great time." This makes it clear to me this party wasn't about the daughter at all. OP only cared for their own enjoyment and not step daughter's.

[@politereminder6284]

She did.it to show her husband "how it's done". 🙄. She threw the party she wishes he had thrown for her.

[@rosaliamoon4525]

I wonder how long the party was going for before op decided that it was time for cake and then realized they were partying without the birthday girl

[@HealthyObbsession]

Not only that her husband was gone as well This feels like someone who wants a fake happy family and stepdaughter is the ‘black sheep’ due to walking all over the boundaries of a 15-year-old Stepdaughter doesn't want a big party Stepmom throws huge 100+ people surprised party And surprised Pikachu face When she finally realized hours into and after the party the ‘special guest’ was even there

[@lynnw7155]

I HATE surprise parties; it sounds like Lucy is the same. OP disrespected Lucy by trying to force her to "enjoy" a party she didn't want. OP sounds like a hugger and a party person. Ugh. I'm an introvert and people like that exhaust and annoy me.

[@brookelynnwu8016]

Especially since she doesn’t even consider her to be her mom.

[@clairebear-96]

Lmao “she HATES birthday parties and never ever celebrates her birthday SO i threw her a surprise party!!!!” I said out loud “what the fuck WHY??” Yeah YTA lol

[@immapotato1]

seriously sounds like she deliberately left out why the step daughter hates her birthday and looking at husband's initial reaction and sas on the "too busy enjoying your party" OP knows as well.

[@swearimnotarobot3746]

And said it went well because SHE was having fun. Not the birthday girl. Her. She didn’t even know that the stepdaughter left.

[@vulpixle9659]

If I was with someone who had a kid who doesn’t really like birthday parties I would just make the kid there favorite food for breakfast or dinner

[@StephanieHWLS]

@@vulpixle9659 We (6 kids) never had birthday parties growing up, just a celebration within the household. As an introverted adult I threw one for myself but made it into a children's party for the neighbourhood children. Even though I was not the center of attention having held that birthday party I now know that they are not for me.

[@livaugirard3383]

All I heard in the post is me me me me me me me literally insufferable

[@InDeathWeLove]

Just wow on the first story. There is so many disturbing things she is doing it's hard to keep track: Plans a surprise party for his daughter and doesn't tell him. Plans a surprise party for her step-daughter that doesn't like parties. Plans a party with 100 people for someone who doesn't like big events. Spends well over 10k that she doesn't have without consulting her husband then expects him to cover it. Doesn't even notice neither the birthday girl nor her husband are present at said party until the cake comes out and they have to be there to complete the ritual. Is insulted they left the party they didn't plan and she knew they didn't want to do their own planned celebration and considers them selfish and thinking of divorce. Keeps trying to force a relationship with a kid that doesn't want it at the time. I mean divorce is definitely the right outcome, but not because they wronged OP, but because OP is clearly a irresponsibly selfish person with serious boundary issues.

[@carlrood4457]

The other thing to consider is what OP left out. What happened to Lucy's mom? Died? Walked out? How old was Lucy when it happened? All we're given is Lucy was around 8 when they married, nothing about how long they dated before. Presumably, it was three years or less given Toby's age. So there's an introverted child who may well remember her biological mother introduced to a stepmom who needs to be center of attention.

[@InDeathWeLove]

@@carlrood4457 I grew up in a blended family and I can tell you begrudging acceptance is often the best you can hope for. Also as long as things don't get too crazy things often mellow out once the kids move out and aren't forced to be around the new family members anymore. It could be much worse. It could just be outright hate. Also the fact that there is no mention of the ex-wife even surrounding the daughter's birthday chances are either her mom abandoned her or died. Both of which are way more impactful than simply a regular divorce and split custody.

[@LadyBern]

What I don't get is that this woman knew the girl for at nearly half her life yet was repeatedly told no birthdays, never realized she doesn't do big groups much, and so on. But in a twisted way decides she's going to host a big party for herself with the excuse it's for her stepdaughter and thought people would kiss the ground she walks on for it? She is such a self centered extroverted little social butterfly isn't she? Hate how I know people who will do stuff like this and say "it's to help them break out of their shell. It's for their own good. Oh they're exaggerating when they say they were traumatized when I ambushed them with that. Why are you mad at me? I disregarded and distracted their boundaries because I don't like that they aren't like me!"

[@angeloliver7613]

I still think the husband is still an AH too. He clearly never cared about her, didn't communicated with her. I don't get man who stay with a woman they don't love anymore and make both their lives miserable...

[@mindyrolston3915]

Wonder why her husband refused to let her know about his daughter's conditions. You don't keep secrets like that. I think she's a little brat that set out to destroy her father's marriage. You just don't ignore people for 7 years

[@aly5041]

Did...... did she throw a surprise quinceanera??? An event where the birthday girl is supposed to have a say in and is the most personal and expensive time..... 😅 she's insane.

[@drea4195]

It almost sounds like it could have been, except for the fact that a quincinera is 1. a family occasion, where you invite all the extended relatives and they each participate in the planning, and 2. there's always a big, fancy dress for the 15 year old girl and it's on par with a wedding dress. Neither of these things happened. It was probably just a ridiculously expensive birthday party.

[@aly5041]

@@drea4195 Exactly! But just imagine throwing something close to a quinceanera WITHOUT the star of the show knowing 😅 I just love how she tried using "but in my culture..." excuse, yea hispanics like parties but we're not that bad.

[@StormWolf01]

Story 1: I feel suffocated just by reading the story. No wonder the kid showed no love. She didn't want to invite more contact from OP. It's like OP doesn't have eyes to see.

[@khaleesireyna731]

I can understand some of Lucy's behavior, especially if OP boundary stomps regularly, but something smells off about the husband and Lucy's behavior. Gaslighting, minimizing, insulting, not communicating, ignoring OP.... Given the amount of what seems to be regularly occurring icy-ness from those two, I almost understand why OP went overboard. It's horrible to try to do everything to get someone to like/care about you and all you get is indifference. Doesn't excuse the irresponsible spending or boundary stomping, but I get the feeling hubby and Lucy are more toxic than we realize because OPs definitely TA in this particular situation. How do you as a parent with a blended family, go seven years of watching your child be cold to your spouse and not think "huh, maybe some family therapy might be a good idea"... idk, but imo, OPs TA here, hubby is TA of the entire marriage.

[@funkadesiac]

OP has eyes to see. Unfortunately, her head is so far up her own ass all she could see was her own bullshit.

[@tifadreamers]

@@khaleesireyna731 finally someone talks about the husband. during all of this, I kept wondering "where is the dad/husband's position in all of this?" yes, OP went overboard for a party that her stepdaughter didn't want but it feels like she's the one trying and husband is being all silent when his own daughter keeps pushing OP away and he's the one forming the blended family. why is he not acting like a mediator or push harder on OP to see that the party is not something that stepdaughter wants. he didn't even try to help communicate about it with OP. I agree, OP might be the TA for stepping over the boundary but the husband is a complete TA in the entire marriage and the ruined relationship between OP and his daughter

[@Razor11303]

@@khaleesireyna731 I don't find any problems with how Lucy acts. Indifference doesn't equal hate and some people just do not get along with each other. That is a fact. Honestly, it sounds like anyone could take Op’s place, and Lucy would not care. Op and Lucy just don't mix well and it seems like hubby never tried to force a bond between the two.

[@Loaves_of_Cat]

@@khaleesireyna731if Lucy doesn’t want a relationship with op, that’s fully in her right. The fact op’s husband never forced his daughter to form a relationship is a sign that he’s a *good* dad and the fact op is still pushing for a relationship one sidedly is a sign that she’s a bad step parent. Nothing good comes from a stepparent trying to force a relationship with their stepchildren. Lucy and op don’t need family counseling. Op needs to back off and stop being so selfish (at least in the story). She didn’t “learn” cr*p. She knew what she was doing.

[@1tiptip187]

The party wasn't even about Lucy. Lucy was vocal about that. And Lucy wasn't even missed when she left until the cake comes out.

[@MrColin159]

The father and Lucy both sound like shits anyway. Why would OP bother unless it was about herself? Split and be done with it.

[@1tiptip187]

@@MrColin159 the whole family sounds horribly toxic to one another. I got the feeling it was one of those rushed relationships that turned into a marriage that was not thought through and never properly worked on.

[@lilb783]

Story 3 - as someone who does work in the industry, I audibly gasped when he said he touched the cameras. Like bruh 😂 💀

[@carlrood4457]

As someone who doesn't, but has watched a few "making of" shows in his lifetime, I gasped as well. I think all the self produced content on the internet has given young people the idea they have actual experience in a real professional setting.

[@tinapetrovicz9741]

Same, I used to work as a Scenic Artist / Painter and have done a few years on television show sets and made for TV film sets. My reaction was WTAF does OP think they are doing. The most power a PA has is to say "Quiet on Set" when the director demands it. Why they weren't fired the minute they touched the cameras, is beyond me.

[@Commenter839]

I feel so sorry for Toby in Story 1. Poor kid doesn't deserve to go through that

[@milkcan1223]

i was looking for a comment about this! i can't imagine how inconsolable he must be considering the fact that OP has really trampled any chance of toby having any sort of relationship with lucy in any capacity...

[@melancolielupine2023]

@@milkcan1223 yeah, and she also spent 10K that she doesn't have ?! Poor Toby is set for a harsh start in life...

[@MechanicalDragonfly]

I know this is late but, I wanted to add that it sounds like Toby has been failed by everyone in that family. If OP is accurate in her retelling, Lucy never accepted Toby either, and when OP's husband was told about the potential divorce and that he'd lose Toby too he just shrugged it off. So it sounds like the poor kid didn't lose a sister and a father, he never had either in the first place... Now all he has is an irresponsible mother. Just so sad.

[@amandabeasley4375]

I honestly really kinda hate the dad and his daughter. Lucy doesn't need to act like OP is her mom or family but her dad should at least be teaching her basic social skills. Lucy doesn't even treat OP with simple human decency. Rude kid and her dad should teach her some basic social skills but instead enables her shitty attitude.

[@tallyp.7643]

That callous indifference to Toby by the hubby, knowing the OP would take him and leave... did he care at all about Toby? WTF? The OP sounds oblivious and is playing catch-up too late, but I wonder how the relationship was between the hubby and Toby now. Lucy never warmed up, but after all these years, something should've pinged OP's radar if the hubby was emotionally neglecting her son, or Toby would've said something. Was hubby pretending the whole time to care about Toby? How was their relationship, because I can't see her just shrugging that off at least? The whole family is messed up, and my guess is Lucy just wants it to be her and her dad and doesn't give a damn about anybody else, and dad follows her lead. Makes me wonder if mom was sick, died, or left around Lucy's birthday one year and the reminder upsets her, so she doesn't do birthdays anymore (in addition to anxiety). This story is full of questions we'll never get the answers to, and all of them are making my head hurt now.

[@ohwow9769]

I’m not an on-camera actor, but I screamed when OP said they moved the cameras. In the voice over world, touching the studio’s microphones (which can cost several thousands of dollars) will earn you a spot on the audio engineer’s shit list.

[@HealthyObbsession]

Yeah can't imagine messing with a camera even more so But I bet messing with anything as sensitive like a studio-quality microphone

[@foxtrottermuse]

As someone that works in on set production sound teams I chuckled but also died inside. OP has no set etiquette and should have been fired instantly. Experienced department members don’t even touch each others kit. Messing with camera set ups has the potential to delay scheduling a significant amount costing production money. I’m surprised OP only mentioned the director, actors and their mom being unhappy with them.

[@WobblesandBean]

How'd you get into voice acting? What type do you do? I've done narration and character work, but I'm not very good at commercials.

[@jettanyx1]

Yea, she’s way disrespectful and overstepping. She should’ve dropped it after making a suggestion that first time hopefully politely which i doubt fro the post and just let it be. She’s a PA not a producer

[@Stopthisrightnow560]

Wouldn't even touch it if they gave me permission. That's a trap.

[@BritInvLvr]

Last story makes me wonder how OP was raised that they think they can undermine the director and then think they deserve an apology for being yelled at. The audacity!

[@sazzaxeight3124]

Ikr? Must be their first job because no one who's ever worked would think being this entitled and rude would be OK I mean moving the cameras around and interfering with the actors? And then they have a go at the boss and claim that THEY should apologise for swearing and making them feel 'unsafe'?! What a brat.

[@BenKonosky]

What's nice is op's mother isn't even defending, she's saying to go apologize.

[@sadtitties222]

@@sazzaxeight3124 So true! Also @19:19-19:22. 🙄 Oh bloody hell. 🙄 Funny how OP wanted to act all big and tough bossing this director around, but the moment the director bites back and tells them off suddenly OP is a ✨small uwu baby that needs to be protected from the big meanie weenie boss man 🥺✨. Give me a break. 😑

[@randomn4me205]

It reminds me of a story about 5 years ago where a bunch of interns submitted a signed petition to their company asking them to be excused from the dress code. Whole lot got fired.

[@Trojianmaru]

Honestly the way she tried to deflect blame by calling being yelled at for fucking up "making me feel unsafe" and trying to demand an apology from the guy threatening to fire her, just absolutely reeks of modern woke uni student. Her mom probably bent over backwards to get her daughter a work placement/entry level job in the field, n her daughter showed up with a planet sized chip on her shoulder, thinking she was entitled to everything because she went to a basic bitch University. Kids like her need a massive wake up to realise the world doesn't owe them a thing, and trying to boss your boss around is just gonna get you sacked.

[@MorbidKat]

I don't understand how Op says everyone had a great time, party was amazing, but didn't realize that her husband and the actual birthday girl weren't there?!? So she gets called out on her grab for attention and her response is "DiVoRcE". I agree, for the dad and daughter's happiness go through with a divorce. Edit: omg the update got worse! I can only imagine what she's telling her poor son that's making him "inconsolable". I bet $30 we'll get a later update that she miscarried or something like that because she was never pregnant. But, oh, the poor dear it's getting the attention and pitty that she planned.

[@nilianstroy]

Everyone that counted to OP... It was her party, not Lucy's.

[@tgbedini]

The fact is that every time someone explains to OP that she was stomping boundaries and being an idiot, she deflects, justifies, and brings up unrelated things and paints herself as the constant victim. You know, perhaps the reason stepdaughter is aloof is because OP is really f-ing annoying. And the fact that she spent 5 figures on the party, didn't even figure out the budget beforehand, and had no money of her own to pay for it. Jeez, who does that? "Oh, honey, I threw a party that you didn't want, for your daughter, who didn't want it. Now give me $10,000 to pay for it." My god, that woman is clueless.

[@stephanien6237]

She is too self centered to notice.

[@MaddyBlackbart]

@@tgbedini IMO Op is more then just annoying she's like toxic. I can almost guarantee it doesn't just stop at her throwing unwanted parties. She sounds like a narcissist. IMO I bet she's just emotionally abusive. The fact the daughter didn't want OP to know what mental health issues she had says to me she felt OP would use it against her some how.

[@momimhome7540]

Dear god, I hope she’s not pregnant! If she is then that dad is SCREWED!

[@peteranon8455]

Story 3. You have to love it when the new kids come in with "the right ideas" every single time.

[@AndyyWithAY]

I feel like OP is one of those extroverts who constantly pushes introvert boundaries. I've had extroverts in my life who were so fun and intriguing. But, I've also known extroverts that drained me just thinking about them because they never tried to even consider introvert needs. The way OP just completely disregarded what SD wanted. The way she wanted her husband to throw her a party and threw this party that traumatized SD for HER. It just got worse and worse.

[@joaolima7131]

Sounds like my family, they treated me as some kind of weirdo for wanting alone Time

[@carolroberts4614]

I think if I'd had a stepmother like op, I would have completely retired into my shell!Unwanted hugs, pushing her to be family, no, no, no! And poor Toby, too!

[@itsjustme7487]

I threw surprise birthday parties for my former husband for his 30th and 40th birthdays. I invited joint friends and neighbors. He threw me a 40th party at a local bar. I don't drink. He invited people I didnt know and disappeared halfway through the "party". Darn! what a special day for me.

[@funkadesiac]

Psychic vampire

[@wordforger]

Yeah. Extroverts that take the attention off you and keep the conversation interesting while still checking to see you're good now and then? Lovely people. Extroverts that ignore all your pleas for space and invite themselves or others over just when you finally got said alone time? AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH

[@caridadchang7895]

I actually think that spending 5 figures on a birthday party that the birthday girl didn't want to have is indeed a major problem and part of why the divorce is likely inevitable at this point. Because yes, she shouldn't have done the party when she did it thinking about her step-daughter last, but she also spend money that as her STBEH could have used for a family trip, home renovation, college money, hell an emergency in case anyone has an accident. the *amount* of money used is indeed important and what really broke the camel's back. And I have said this in like a 100 reddit stories but people need to seriously stop marrying people that their children don't like, it leads to resentment for all freaking parts.

[@GiordanDiodato]

Honestly seems more like lack of communication.

[@carlrood4457]

If you have kids, you should probably date for several years before considering moving in/marrying. Sure, if they are toddler or younger, it can be different but still has to be careful. All we know is OP has been married for 7 years. No mention of how long they dated before and no mention of Lucy's bio mother. So Lucy was 8 and might have memories of her bio mom, but Toby was only 3 and probably doesn't remember bio dad (again, it doesn't say if he's in the picture). These are extremely important things when trying to blend families. Does Lucy's mother's absence have any bearing on why she hates parties (at least in Lucy's mind)?

[@amandasunshine2]

@@GiordanDiodato that's an interesting way of spelling "OP didn't listen for 7 years". The rest of the family WAS communicating, OP just wasn't listening.

[@khaleesireyna731]

@@amandasunshine2 did you miss the part where they never told her she had anxiety (which might have stopped OP from spending money on a party that would act up said anxiety) or the part where Lucy straight up started gaslighting her? Or the part where they just don't say jack to her and ditch her? Or the part where Lucy's allowed to be cold to her for 7 years? Because none of that sounds like "they told her and she didn't listen" it sounds like "a toxic ahole and his bratty daughter that he's raising into a toxic ah didn't say anything to her and just expected her to magically know". Yeah, OPs TA in this particular situation, but Lucy and Hubby are the kind of AHs to just avoid entirely because they'll just exhaust you and then play victim.

[@tifadreamers]

@@amandasunshine2 communicating also involves letting OP know about Lucy's anxiety problem and that it's a serious issue for her to consider when OP's obviously a very social person. communicating also involves the husband sitting down with OP to tell her where she went wrong instead of letting Lucy gaslight her, treat her terribly for 7 years, instead of teaching her to at least be kind. Shrugging things off when things got serious, ignoring the fact that his blended family is not blending, and yelling at OP about how he didn't marry her to give a new mom to Lucy when OP tried to "communicate" is NOT communicating. so no, they never truly communicated with OP. so what's there for her to listen?

[@LaineyBug2020]

Story 1- my heart physically hurt when OP complained about Lucy pushing her away whenever she hugs her. It is so important to never force physical affection on kids and teens. This sets a very bad precedent concerning their bodily autonomy. It sounds like OP has been smothering Lucy from dqy one. I even wonder if OP has ignored every boundary and continually tries to replace Lucy's mom. I would love to hear from Lucy!

[@thedeepseaking3659]

I mean I would get that if this was something that her husband brought up with her. The husband's indifference and lack of informing OP of Lucy's Social anxiety even after 7 YEARS makes him an ass in my books. Now before you put up pickforks I'm not saying that OP isn't the bigger ass as she did go around Lucy's demand of no parties for her birthday and spend 10k while expecting to get help for a party that she herself admitted to be for herself. In my opinion the two of them are just not compatible and should just divorce.

[@MrBuns-yi2hk]

I think that story 1 is an ESH. To be fair, husband couldn't have known that OP was throwing a surprise birthday party, but he should have tried talking to OP. Then you have OP dropping 5 figures on a surprise party that her step daughter wouldn't have wanted, and then asks husband to help? What! I would be PISSED! You don't spend that much money without consulting your partner, unless you truly can afford it on your own.

[@randomusername3873]

@@thedeepseaking3659 telling Op after the daughter told him not to would be awful. And Op would have definetly let her know she knew

[@kaykay8855]

@@thedeepseaking3659 normally I wouldn’t throw the divorce card, but yeah, they’re incompatible. Op’s husband should have told op about Lucy’s anxiety and op should have listened to Lucy when she said that she didn’t want a party.

[@kennethsjvold9212]

Yea would also be fun to get some info from OP son , why his stepdad dont like him at all.

[@MrKurtykurt]

Story 1: Everything OP does is the antithesis of what she is told and then gets mad that what she’s doing isn’t working towards making them a family. She doesn’t care much how they say they feel and is surprised no one cares much how she says she feels. I feel bad for her son, honestly.

[@rs3rd464]

Toby sounds like he's in good hands. His mother demonstrably cares about him and shows she will always try to be there for him. It can only do him good for his mom to divorce the asshole she married and rid herself of the stepchild that was allowed to draw boarders through the family.

[@LadySingingWolf]

@@rs3rd464 You can't force a step child to love the step parent. The fact that she threw the party KNOWING that the step-daughter didn't want one is telling to how she acts the rest of the time. It sounds like the husbands dismissive attitude is due to previous conversations about how his daughter is goes completely ignored or dismissed. Hell, OP even admits that the party was less about her step-daughter and more about HER. And spending 10K plus on a birthday party? WITHOUT consulting her husband? Sorry but his reaction is COMPLETELY justified and I agree she SHOULD be the one to pay for it. She made her bed now she gets to lay in it.

[@rs3rd464]

@@LadySingingWolf Pay attention to the entire story. Op said from the beginning that it is not just her the step daughter publicly rejects but also her son. This is a seven year issue that should have been fixed a long time ago with a stern talk from her father. Op was fighting a losing battle from the start because her husband encouraged his daughters bad behavior. He probably never bonded with Toby because he followed a hateful child's policy on how to interact with his family. Op's only fault here is giving a shit about the stepdaughter.

[@LadySingingWolf]

@@rs3rd464 My point still stands. You can't force a child to love a step family member, be it parents or sibling. Sorry but I still think OP is in the wrong and stepping on her boundaries as she did (and has likely done in the past) is just going to drive her further away. OP KNEW she didn't want a party but threw one anyway, and then ADMITTED it was more for HERSELF than her stepchild!

[@copercurlz]

In story 3, how can someone think they can try to undermine a director? Even if it won't appeal to a certain group, he knows what he's doing. He might not even be trying to appeal to a younger audience. And the camera moving??? My goodness. OP won't make it far if they can't figure out how to listen to people above them.

[@carlrood4457]

The camera moving thing really shows them to be an idiot. I'm not in the film industry at all and even I know moving a camera would affect editing. The angles and lighting wouldn't be the same as other takes, so you can't splice them together.

[@GWRNori]

Wait wait wait, did anyone else notice that the dad and Lucy didn't invite OP and her son to Lucy's birthday dinner? OP is definitely the asshole here, no doubt, but isn't it really weird that the dad and Lucy didn't invite half the family to a celebration, no matter how small it is? And then the passive aggressive picture when OP left? Holy shit. I'm convinced that Lucy does not want to share her dad with anyone, point blank and if OP is pregnant? Lucy will most likely demand to her father to not see the baby as the baby is not "her family". This entire story and entire family SUCKS and the only people who need better lives are the stepson and that poor baby about to be born into this mess.

[@Digitalfairy]

Yes, thank you I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees this! Lucy's no white dove either - OP is a blinddeaf moron but Lucy's lowkey posessive of Daddy's attention.

[@randomusername3873]

They obviously didn't invite Op because she just caused them massive grief and they are clearly needing space from her, is not that difficult. I'm only sorry for the son

[@GWRNori]

@@randomusername3873 I was originally talking about the first celebration, before the surprise party. That to me was extremely sus. The dad and Lucy went out to eat by themselves without OP or Toby. Then they came back to the party. I'm concerned that they didn't invite OP or Toby at all in the beginning, as OP would have no doubt written "they went out and we declined to go with them" but no... No, she doesnt mention it. That's concerning. I'm mostly concerned about the picture the dad and Lucy posted when OP and her son left. The dinner picture and saying that it's now just their true family? I'm getting some really bad vibes there. It's really sounding like Lucy is very possessive of her father, which concerns me for her future. The father himself was not communicating with OP and revealed Lucy's social anxiety 7 years into the relationship? Then the comment about "dealing with OP's stupidity" which was really uncalled for. OP did a stupid thing, yes, but it is very disrespectful to say something like that to her face. This entire family is very dysfunctional and I'm not gonna let that slide. Yes, OP did something very stupid. She needs to get that through her head and accept responsibility. But the father and Lucy are not helping the situation in the first place. I just really feel horrible for Toby and the baby. They do not deserve this family.

[@bleachparty8570]

Can someone please explain to me how is Lucy not wanting to be around a stepmother who constantly stomps all over her boundaries equals her being possessive over her father? Make that make sense.

[@GWRNori]

@@bleachparty8570 Well, it's the comments she makes. Lucy constantly says that OP and Toby whom she has known for 7 years now, is just her dad's wife and dad's wife's son. For 7 years. From how OP is talking, this makes it out like it has always been the case. Lucy not wanting hugs? That's fine. That's her boundary, and that's not what I'm concerned about. What I am concerned about is Lucy and her dad going on the birthday dinner alone with each other, not inviting OP and Toby (OP lacks to write in about an invitation while also writing about many other details). This concerns me a lot, along with her comments to OP. Granted, this might not be Lucy's choice and instead the father, but we dont have the information for it. Another thing that comes up is OP being told 7 years into the relationship that Lucy has social anxiety. Why was she not told about this earlier? But what really takes the cake for me is the photo of the father and Lucy at dinner after OP and her son leave. They take a picture and Lucy wrote "finally here with my true family." There is having boundaries and then there is this. Lucy should not be expected to love and adore OP, that is a good boundary. But Lucy should not be allowed to do disrespectful things, that is not a boundary. I believe we need to step away from the hatred of OP and her dumb action and look at this family unit as a whole. Lucy and the Father are doing some really questionable things that people are breezing past because we are all so focused on OP doing a really dumb thing. Granted the dumb thing was really big and really stupid, but we are letting ourselves be clouded with that instead of looking at everything else. Stop looking at the explosion and look at the spreading fires, so to speak.

[@dragonstooth4223]

Story 1- the OP didn't care about her step daughter. Instead of listening to her step daughter and what she needs she just stomps on her step daughters feelings and boundaries

[@badkitty4922]

Story 2 isn't even over and I'm laughing so hard at OP's malicious compliance!😂😂👏👏👏👏

[@charityquill4965]

OP got to make some cash on the side, and it begins a whole project for the complex that's beneficial for all the residents, even long after op left

[@satansfavoritehomo]

The one I feel bad for the most in story 1 is Toby, you spend 7 years around a family only to find out they don't actually care all that much and being stuck with a mom like that, poor kid hope he finds himself a good family one day

[@khaleesireyna731]

Toby is the REAL hurt party here. His mom is a bit self-centered (granted her comments and very open acknowledgement that the party was more for her makes me think she isn't entirely hopeless), his step dad doesn't seem to give an f about anything, much less Toby, and step daughter is a brat who's allowed to ice him out for 7 years because that's just how Lucy is. Imo, Hubby and Lucy got some toxic traits and he's the one who suffers for it most. Poor Toby.

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #3: Why am I not surprised that OP got their job via Mommy and not actual talent or experience? This was a classic case of nepotism-meets-Dunning-Kruger.

[@Rose-yt5hi]

Glad mom is trying to correct the issue though. That’s probably the last time she pulls favors for the kid, ha ha.

[@paulastiles5507]

@@Rose-yt5hi Oh, definitely. Even from OP's self-involved retelling of things, Mom sounded stick-a-fork-in-me done.

[@wordforger]

Probably first job. Stinks of the arrogance of youth.

[@agoblincandraw]

Story 1: Something is telling me that the OP still doesn’t understand how much of in the wrong she is. SHE spent over $10k on a party that the Quince wasn’t even there for. It’s good that she understood that she was in the wrong, but she clearly doesn’t totally get it. So sad..

[@TriXJester]

Last Story: I worked on many sets as an assistant to the lead makeup artists for my training, so I know for a fact what that OP did should of absolutely gotten them fired, like they're extremely lucky they still had a job the first time. PA's are not very high on the set pecking order, and thats coming from someone who was at the very bottom of that pecking order. OP is seriously going to have insane luck if this attitude doesnt get them black listed in the industry.

[@emasters8619]

Yep, this "anchor" position you put yourself in when you vouch for another person and help them get a job is filled with danger. I'm sure the mother knows her kid is arrogant and self-centered. Now, the mom's reputation is being dragged down. It would be so painful to have someone else lose your job for you.

[@sophiewoodman6301]

Yeah the industry is very small, making a good impression and being a hard worker is important especially if you are a freelancer.

[@demonic_myst4503]

And so be it the film will fail the director is arogabt and will not apeal yp kids at all he be a laughing stock at best it may get memed and made fun off

[@melancolielupine2023]

@@demonic_myst4503 yeah I don't understand. What if the director is a boomer ? Let him fail with his ad. Wtf. OP is everything wrong with gen Z. "you made me feel ~unsafe~" lol

[@demonic_myst4503]

@@melancolielupine2023 she trying be helpful and you hate her for it thats pretty sad the dudes a narcicst with his head so far uo his ass he eats his own intestines for lunch

[@shebakoby]

Last story: My word! A Personal Assistant thinking they need to "fix" a production because they believe young people wouldn't watch it? A PERSONAL ASSISTANT! AKA A GO-FER! PURVEYOR OF COFFEE! The absolute brass balls on this cheeky so-and-so. They're lucky they'd be allowed back after an apology! They can do creative direction AFTER they work their way up the food chain to director!

[@dylanpalmer5151]

Personally, I think that the OP of story three may have been a producer's assistant/production assistant, because I find it incredibly difficult to believe that a personal assistant actually thought they had sway over how things were done. However, if OP did turn out to be a personal assistant, oof. There went a significant chunk of my remaining faith in humanity.

[@shebakoby]

@@dylanpalmer5151 OP sounds egotistical AF, their mom got them the job (nepotism lol), and they also seem very entitled. I get that narcissism etc. runs rampant through the entertainment world but that's supposed to be the directors and actors, not the gofers lol (or even production assistants).

[@dylanpalmer5151]

@@shebakoby yeah, OP in that story is hilarious to hear about second or third-hand, but the moment you run into them in person you want to start screaming out of frustration due to how self-centered and egotistical they are.

[@jenniferhanses7064]

Story 3: So TA. If you truly think that his story and production work have no chance at succeeding, that's fine. He's still a 60 year old director who has a lot of experience. Clearly, he's doing some things right. Take the opportunity to learn about the things you think are working in this situation, and keep your mouth shut about your artistic vision being better than his.

[@RumbleDelta]

I'm a former film student who has worked on student films and I physically cringed when the OP said they tampered with the cameras. Like do you WANT everyone on set to beat you up??

[@somedragonbastard]

I know nothing about film production (I work in BAKING, for heavens sake) but even I immediately knew that OP overstepped. It's not their place to make these decisions

[@RekiTheRyvian]

Story 1 reminds me of my own mother. Always Goin on about how she likes having all these decorations and food and presents and everything. But then turns around and starts yelling at everyone if they aren't pretending to be extremely happy and joyful, because it was only ever about her and what she wants rather than having a good holiday or "following tradition"

[@artistsan3344]

All I could think in the first story was how OP didn't respect step-daughter's boundaries

[@jofip9199]

I’m guessing she is latina cause she said 15 is very special in her culture. I’m a Latina and not even having a big dinner for your 15th birthday is very rare Yes, she was out of line but I do understand why she wanted to do it and thought it would be a nice gesture

[@randomusername3873]

@@jofip9199 not when you know the person doesn't want a party😑

[@kaykay8855]

@@jofip9199 Lucy said she didn’t want a party

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

@@jofip9199 ​ Just because OP’s Latina means she can boundary stomp because quinceañeras are customary in her culture. I am Colombian and wouldn’t do that to anyone I know didn’t want a birthday party, let alone throw a massive party that rival’s weddings in cost and production. Also OP straight up confessed she basically threw this party as a makeup for her own birthday because she wanted a massive party.

[@badkitty4922]

@@jofip9199 I was thinking the same thing when OP mentioned 15 being a BIG birthday. I'm not Latina but, I've been to friends' Quinceñeras before, and they were ALL amazing! This white chick was jealous, especially since my folks made me feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles by forgetting MY 16th birthday. So, no Sweet 16 party for me, lol!😂😂😂

[@vulpixle9659]

Honestly props to Lucy’s dad for sticking up his daughter and respecting her boundaries

[@rubymeaddle]

Nah, fvck him. He knew his daughter doesn't like OP and her son and forced Lucy to cohabitate with them. He's a shitty dad and husband.

[@jfree1998]

Honestly he's a pos for not telling his wife about her anxiety disorder and for not encouraging his daughter to be kind

[@marukouga135]

A shame that he's communication is lacking despite being married for 7 years. Pretty deplorable actually

[@vulpixle9659]

@@jfree1998 I mean technically he was supporting her boundary of not telling OP because Lucy didn’t want him to tell her honestly it feels like OP was trying to force a bond rather then letting it form naturally

[@khaleesireyna731]

Thank goodness yall are commenting, because the husband's behavior had me gagging. Dudes toxic and uncommincative and it honestly sounds like he's comfortable letting his wife be the scapegoat for his daughter. Oh, she's cold to you? Well it's because you try to hard. Dude is a massive POS and both him and his honestly bratty daughter need a reality check (I've dealt with anxiety, depression, and undiagnosed ADHD since I was 15 and I'd never treat anyone like that. Mental illness doesn't give you a pass to be a brat).

[@michaelwoods3651]

Story 1- this seems all about the stepmom. She needs to respect the step daughter’s boundaries. Maybe when she’s older she’ll feel differently. Until then, just let it go. She doesn’t have to accept stepmom or her son. That being said, why did the husband even marry her? It seems like he didn’t even want her around. He kept secrets from her. Although, the party expense should be on her.

[@politereminder6284]

He married her so he could have a wife, but she was so fixated on becoming a stepmom, that she alienated both her husband and his child.

[@GiordanDiodato]

@@politereminder6284 disagree. Seems obvious that neither of them liked OP at all.

[@hananahbananah]

OP definitely fucked up but I agree that there has been some serious communication issues probably since the beginning of their marriage so the husband is partially responsible. OP sounds very self centered, but also to me came across as someone who does genuinely care. I think therapy would do everyone in this situation some good

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

@@GiordanDiodato not liking her at current day doesn’t mean he never did and she very clearly has pushed her want to be close to her stepdaughter so hard for years and never listening to her boundaries that she drove her away. Honestly OP made this situation by being self-centered and basing all actions on her own wants and desires and not taking anyone else’s into the slightest but of consideration. She doesn’t consult with her own husband before spending 5-figures she can’t afford on her own and just expects him to cough up? She’s a disaster and doesn’t have her shit together and I feel sorry for her son and any other children she might have.

[@charlotteinnocent8752]

@@hananahbananah OP is clearly very manipulative and self centred. I bet he FELL out of love for her along the way somewhere, but was a decent sort who just put up with. He might stop that now though. The one I do feel sorry for is the son who is stuck with the crazy OP. I sincerely doubt everything she says about his thoughts and feelings since she seemingly neither reads not cares about anyone else's feelings apart from her own!

[@addicted2mako]

"You were too busy enjoying the party to notice." That right there is my sentiment. You threw a party for someone and you don't even notice they're not present until who knows how long? You don't build a bond by doing something that only you enjoy and that the recipient specifically says they don't like! But then again, you only want to build a relationship if it's on YOUR terms, not your stepdaughter's. Kudos to the husband for standing up for his daughter. Post-Update: JFC, there is such a difference in personalities and a lack of communication between both sides that I'm surprised the relationship even got this far!

[@khaleesireyna731]

I wouldn't even say personality... unless usually being a cold, uncommunicative AH is a personality now. Lucy sounds like a massive brat that was allowed to be that way because hubby allowed it. I've dealt with anxiety, depression, and ADHD most of my life, including my teen years and I would never have acted like that. Lucy and hubby can go take a long walk off a short pier because they sound absolutely trash.

[@kathleenmcfarlane2555]

Story 1: Why should Lucy or OP's husband communicate with her? She clearly doesn't listen or care about their feelings. Everybody doesn't have to like you. It hurts, but people have a right to feel how they feel.

[@samiamtheman7379]

What I find weird is that OP wasn't even aware that Lucy goes to therapy for social anxiety. As much as OP in that story sucks, and she really sucks, I'm wondering how things would've gone had her husband let her know about that.

[@whitemoonwolf13]

​@samiamtheman7379 it's 50/50 at this point if she would have backed down or insisted the only way to get over social anxiety is exposure. I can't really say op is the only ass here since a major part of Lucy's issue with her stepmother was never even brought up.

[@Tammohawk1]

1. How many times did OP offer that girl a birthday party only to be told no? So she somehow thought a surprise party was a good idea? Now she's butt sore that her step-daughter didn't appreciate her efforts and threatening to leave because of it. She ignored step-daughter's boundaries and is now finding out. Five figures for a birthday party? Holy cow!! 2. I'm not in the industry, but no one like a young know-it-all.

[@Cookie25559]

Op is 100% TA but that family ain’t the best either. You’re supposed to communicate those things and not leave your partner in the dark cus if she knew about Lucy’s anxiety none of this would have happened. Although ops actions are still her own and she’s 100% TA and self centered for what she did. Then spending over 10k on a damn party and demanding he help. They should just divorce and go their separate ways

[@MrArielK]

Husband is also TA

[@SvarogAristaeusAllen]

Or she could have listened when she was told year after ear that she doesn't like parties, end of story.

[@ovi-jade]

story 1: what a great dad c: im so proud of him for standing up for his daughter, what a self absorbed woman

[@Taecoconut]

All of us yelling first and then realising we were not the first 😂

[@missm.e9914]

my dad is a huge introvert and hates parties, his mum apparently once threw him a party when he was a teenager after he insisted he didn't want one and he just didn't show up, apparently his mum was in tears and my dad was down the pub with his mates

[@Cannibalsnacks]

Story 1: I love how mark is so wonderfully practical that when hearing 5 figures spent, he defaults to 10k

[@megabladechronicles962]

yeah for all we know it could be closer to 40 or 50k, but even 10k is way too much for a freaking kid's birthday party

[@Cannibalsnacks]

@@megabladechronicles962 Its not just a kids party . Turning 15 is a fullblown celebration. I dont know the ins and outs. But it might be easier to think of it like a bar mitzvah

[@andressotil4671]

@@Cannibalsnacks Think of it on the scope of a wedding but for the married couple to be showing off their one daughter

[@tidycats151]

But OP stated it was HER culture. Not Lucy's & not hubs. Which makes OP an even bigger AH. No to Birthday party. Ah HELL NO to Quinceanera. And how do you not notice the guest of honor isn't there @Quinc? Was Lucy expected to celebrate in street clothes at an event where she's required to be wearing an elaborate gown? Was OP TRYING to humiliate Lucy? I'm sure OP was dressed to the 9s in expensive clothes bought new for the "important " occasion.

[@davidsantiagotate7380]

Story 3: so I am a special effects artist and have worked on several film sets. OP was so far out of line that I got second hand embarrassment

[@paulastiles5507]

I was simultaneously cringing and laughing throughout.

[@nazreenhassan3469]

I'm a live performance PM with 40 years experience and I wouldn't dare touch the techies equipment without permission (the only exception being in a dire emergency).

[@hughg.rection1421]

People are talking about how indifferent the husband is in all of this, but I personally feel that he's just simply been checked out of the relationship for a while and it finally came to a head with the unwanted surprise party. And with how exhausting this woman sounds, I don't blame the dude.

[@Scotia__]

I can blame him just because he should have divorced her ages ago.

[@daisyflower2784]

@@Scotia__ Same. It was on him to communicate his discomfort before it had come to being checked out.

[@davidnash8208]

@@daisyflower2784 Pointless, she doesn't listen when he does.

[@uleubner]

The father isn't "checked out." He's paid attention to Lucy's preferences, arranged the sort of celebration Lucy wants, and made it clear to his wife that his daughter does not want a large party, backing up what Lucy herself told OP. And he arranged a _second_ birthday dinner for Lucy, after OP took the joy from the first one by blindsiding Lucy with a kamikazi train wreck of a "party." That's being an attentive, involved father, who backed up his daughter's boundaries, reinforced communication about those boundaries, and refused to punish the daughter for the sins of his wife.

[@hughg.rection1421]

@@uleubner I meant checked out of his relationship with OP, not Lucy.

[@hothotheat3000]

The kid doesn’t like you, has made it clear that she doesn’t like you, has rejected you at every turn, and you are surprised that she didn’t react positively to a party you threw without her knowledge.

[@larynadams1127]

Its so weird bc as her husband said "I didn't married you to be her mom". She had expectations of this changing so my guess is she still acted like a parental figure. It feels like she doesn't even know the kid if she's so clueless to Lucy having social anxiety. That's like the easiest things to pick up on without a diagnosis, how was that missed?

[@shells500tutubo]

@@larynadams1127 I'll tell you, some very extroverted people cannot conceive that others are not like them. My mother was one of the most outgoing people I ever knew, and that was not even a little bit who I am. I was dismissed as being rude, impolite and any manner of nonsense because I didn't want to be her performing monkey when her friends came over while my sibling ate up the attention. I think I was in my thirties before I realized that there was not and had never been anything wrong with me. My sibling told me a few years ago that apparently many people recognized the oil and water relationship between my mother and me and tried to enlighten her, but she just could not understand.

[@larynadams1127]

@@shells500tutubo Just pure selfishness.

[@ArcticFFox]

The first story reminds me of that one episode of Bojack Horseman where Mr Peanutbutter did the exact same thing for Diane's birthday even though she's made it clear multiple times that she hates big gestures like that. I think OP should watch that, even if it's the only episode they'd watch,

[@johnsmith9784]

Pretty sure OP in the first story is a narcissist. I see a lot of people figuring the dad is just as bad as her for not communicating but I imagine he’s probably been trying for 7 years at this point and is fed up with her not listening to a damn thing. She obviously doesn’t give a shit about Lucy, just being #beststepmomever. She doesn’t even know the poor girl. It’s not hard to figure out someone doesn’t like being around people, even if you don’t have a good label for it.

[@jimmyjohnjuan]

Story 1) This marriage is done. She didn't tell about the party and spent 10k+ without talking to him. No wonder he's about done.

[@jenniferdaniels701]

Story 1- I had a feeling that something else was going on with Lucy. How do you not tell your spouse about your child's mental health problems? And after seven years with a step parent and step sibling, how do you not become comfortable with them? OP is still an AH for the surprise party and spending so much on it. How do you spend $10,000 on a party?

[@krishnavyas313]

The thing is Lucy doesn't consider OP and her Son as family. Just because your father decided to marry someone you don't have accept her as your (step)mom. Yes you must act civil towards them.

[@datmanydocris]

Oh cut the crap, you know _exactly_ how Lucy wouldn't "get comfortable" with the Stepmom and Stepson after 7 years. It's clear from the post that the stepmother is a raging narcissist, likely routinely tramples all over Lucy's boundaries and likely is the type of toxic stepparent who tries to _force_ their new stepchild to consider them their parent. The one surefire way to ensure that a stepchild never considers you their parent is to try and force them to do so when they don't want to.

[@X2XImTheNewCancerX2X]

On one hand, OP in the first story is nuts--HOW do you spend over 10 grand on a teenager's birthday party, especially without even realizing it?--and she should have just accepted that just because she likes parties, it doesn't mean everyone will way earlier. On the other hand, I have to feel bad for her, since it sounds like her husband has basically never actually communicated with her; a lot of problems could have been avoided if she wasn't left fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out how to bond with her step-daughter when they've got diametrically opposed personalities. Like, married for seven years, and he's NEVER sat his wife down and said 'Lucy doesn't like ABC because EFG. If you want to win brownie points with her, you can try XYZ.' Like, there's a difference between 'not looking for a replacement mother for her' and just straight up not making any efforts to smooth the way.

[@shirokusanagi3901]

Holy shit, the lack of self awareness on that wife. There's a good reason both the husband and his daughter seem annoyed by her.

[@Arkryal]

Story #1 There's more to unpack here. The daughter has social anxiety. She asked her father not to tell his wife. There's a reason for that. There's also a reason he agreed, which I'm sure was not a decision he came to lightly. OP wonders why she wasn't trusted with this information. Within a week of learning about it, she goes to the internet and posts it online! WTF? She got dragged for being a bad mother on social media, so she discloses her step-daughters sensitive, private information which she knows the girl doesn't want to be shared, all so she can say "See, I didn't know, so I'm not that bad. I wouldn't have done that if they had just told me". The validation of strangers means more to her than maintaining her stepdaughter's confidence. She's willing to throw the girl under the bus, at the drop of a hat to save face, and doesn't even think twice about doing so. The girl would be mortified to find that broadcast to the world, but I guess mommy's image is more important. OP's hopelessly oblivious. And the girl didn't even tell her this, her father slipped up under pressure in an argument (not ideal, but understandable), and it came out that way. So this could possibly create tension between the girl and her own father who she actually trusts,.All the more reason to NOT MENTION IT TO ANYONE. Don't create drama, especially when it impacts other people. If you learn something you're not meant to know, keep your mouth shut. And if the girl had told OP about her anxiety, I suspect OP would have used that information to look for a loophole and push the girl into even more situations she's uncomfortable with. Even if OP doesn't think she would ever do that, she clearly doesn't even realize all the times she already has. She's pathologically incapable of thinking about anyone but herself. OP thinks she cares, but the only real connection to the stepdaughter is that she's living vicariously through her. She "loves" her because she loves herself (and only herself) and projects her own likes, ambitions, personality, etc onto the girl... then throws a tantrum any time that illusion is broken. That's not empathy. She's not trying to understand how her stepdaughter feels, she's trying to control it, mold the girl in her own image, and relate to her that way. I can confidently say, after reading just a few paragraphs about her, second-hand, I understand this girl better than her step-mom ever has, and that makes me sick. That shouldn't be the case. She doesn't love her step-daughter, she loves who the girl might be if she would just cave into all the manipulations, guilt trips, and dismissiveness, and change everything about herself. Does anyone really wonder where that social anxiety came from? She's spent half her life under the yoke of a step-parent who throws her into situations she's uncomfortable with, desperately tries to change her, without taking even a moment to really get to know her, tramples every boundary set, and then plays the victim whenever the response is anything other than absolute acquiescence. That would make anyone feel worthless, timid, and resentful... I'm glad the girl is free of her. Hopefully, the stepdaughter will learn from this and be a better person for it, but that's going to take a lot of work the poor girl should never have had to do. A mother who was capable of actually loving her would have been so much better for her. OP has framed every interaction as "How do I reach this stubborn, unloving child', but never questioned what was wrong with her own assumptions, expectations or actions. She just makes the same mistakes, over and over, and over, and over... And I know it's not malicious, OP doesn't realize she's doing this. BUT SHE"S SUPPOSED TO. That's the problem. This situation requires a bit of observation and introspection, not just relentless badgering. I truly hope OP never gets remarried and fucks up anyone else's life. She's just not suitable for human cohabitation. I don't think it's OP's fault she's this messed up, but she is, and those are the circumstances everyone else in her life has to deal with, and it's just not worth it. But the fact that the stepdaughter is the opposite of OP makes me optimistic. She held her ground, remained true to herself, and did so in a civil manner without stooping to OP's level. That's got to be exhausting, especially for someone her age, but she hung in there. That is admirable. She's going to be alright. Oh yeah, and spending $10k+ on a party nobody wanted, without her husband's knowledge or consent, and then expecting HIM to pay for it, lol... WTF? Lady, you're too damn old to have a sugar daddy, get a job so you can make and spend your own damn money. Even if his wife takes everything in the divorce, the poor bastard will likely still come out ahead. What he's saving on parties and therapy alone will likely buy him a yacht. And now that he knows what he doesn't want in a woman, I'm sure the next one will be a keeper... but dude, see to your daughter first.

[@xplayfan21]

Story #1 the OP is the A. hole but the update just makes me sad the husband doesn't care for the son for the stepson or wife And neither does the daughter why did the husband get remarried in the 1st place it just Sad all around

[@Digitalfairy]

Exactly, and that social media post was passive aggresive af. I know you can't force stepchildren to whatever but at some point you've got to take it like a true grown up that changes are inevitable.

[@BIGEAGLEDUDE]

I think he does care about the sun he just is respecting his daughter's boundaries. In addition I also feel like the original poster destroyed the sense of family in the eyes of her son because she wanted to feel like her son and her are equals when it comes to her stepdaughter and her husband

[@stirlingarcher7972]

I think OP’s worn him down over the years and he’s just finally done with her. OP sounds exhausting

[@tamsel814]

Sounds to me like 1 stepdaughter was against the marriage and idea of a stepmother and stepbrother 2 op sounds somewhat obsessed with the idea of a picture perfect stepdaughter to the point of ignoring reality 3 The husband is mentally checked out of his marriage. 4 Husband does not trust his wife in regards to the daughter. Point 1 alone is a good reason not to have gotten married or at least to try family therapy.

[@stirlingarcher7972]

@@Digitalfairythe party the stepmother threw was assertive aggressive

[@Cherryblomm]

story 1. "I cant believe they arent bowing to me for throwing my step daughter this amazing suprise party she never wanted" "im thinking of divorcing my husband for not forcing his daughter to love the party i threw" she didnt even notice the BIRTHDAY GIRL wasnt at the party. she needs an ego check. and her husband should divorce her for disrespecing his daughter. I would hate to have a large party.

[@michamocha]

S1: That's how you know the party was only for Op because how did you party for hours without noticing that the _birthday girl_ is gone? Like, at some point you should've most definitely seen her at some point. But the fact that Op threw her a secret Quinceañera is insane. They're a pretty big deal for the birthday girl and I'm pretty sure they are very involved with the planning.

[@tserln1149]

First story: I only pity Op's son in this situation, what a terrible environment to live in, overbearing mother, step- father who's the only father figure he's ever known judging by the time-line of the story but he doesn't care about the boy or his mother and a spiteful stepsister who he probably loves as a naive kid and she wishes he wasn't there

[@mmtchan]

Yep I agree, so if Op is pregnant, I do feel sorry for that kid.

[@diamcole]

It doesn’t sound like she’s spiteful, it honestly seems like OP has been pushing and pushing without considering what Lucy thinks or how she feels. This story just amplifies a much larger issue. Like, why didn’t she feel safe sharing that she has anxiety with OP? That’s huge.

[@lalvarez5151]

Sounds like Lucy iced out step mom, as some point she cracked...she needs a divorce...no one wants to walk around egg shells with a step daughter

[@jaycehoward2771]

I’m sorry but that OP is a trash pile in every way!

[@larynadams1127]

@@lalvarez5151 what reason would an 8 year old have to ice out an adult in their life if not bc said adult is overbearing and doesn't consider her feelings.

[@Digitalfairy]

Alright I'll be blunt with MY opinion on how I see it. People are not mindreaders, and you can't expect to them to be. I don't even like parties due to all the peer and family pressure to either socialize or indulge in drinking every now and then. Yeah, yeah, OP overstepped, was too big on parties (I can guess which culture but wont say) and overdid it... but it blew up in her face. However I can also see where she's coming from too. However, it's obvious Lucy's resentful "I liked it better when it was only Daddy and ME!" That social media post as passive aggressive af IMBO and her old man clearly doesn't give a hoot about his stepson.

[@nilianstroy]

Are you saying that is fine to throw a party to someone that has been saying she doesn't like them... And only noticing she had left after she had enjoyed it enough and needed the girl just for the cake? Also, she invited over a hundred people, how many of them were her friends Vs Lucy friends?

[@ghyslainabel]

I would like to point out that nobody at the party realized the guest of honour was absent until it was time for her to publicly perform. That tells me that nobody invited cared about Lucy. That also tells me OP invited her friends, or friends of her son, but not Lucy's friend. Since Lucy did not want a birthday party, the compromise from OP should have been to only have a birthday cake, or even only birthday cupcakes.

[@Justcallmeaqua420]

@@nilianstroy I think that Digitalfairy meant that they didn't have common sense to communicate with one another and caused all of this, that OP had some amount of well intentions for the party and that no one can expect them to know xyz without being told about it.

[@Justcallmeaqua420]

@@ghyslainabel Agreed on this though I think that she has barely any friends due to her anxiety. Either way, I agree

[@dragonlord3376]

Story 1 - Even going into the update, this really is all on OP, if she had respected the boundaries her stepdaughter had, she wouldn't have spent 5 figures on a party no one wanted but her, or be in a dying marriage.

[@shells500tutubo]

Oh, she'd be in a dead marriage, because Lucy is basically a mean girl beeyotch and her father encourages it. Op keeps saying she loves Lucy, but frankly I don't see anything to love. She is hostile, dismissive, gaslights and is disrespectful FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS to both Op and her son. Op is so desperate to be in a relationship that she is damaging her son by staying in this toxic household. I'm not sure why the husband married Op, but I'm pretty sure Lucy will be the same person with the next woman her father dates, if he dates anyone after this shitshow.

[@dragonlord3376]

@@shells500tutubo OP's (hopefully) stbx says it himself, he married her out of love, not because Lucy needed a stepmom. At no point in OP's post does she even suggest that Lucy disrespected her or her kid (aside from not attending a party she didn't want); at worst, Lucy just didn't express affection or treat her stepmom and stepbrother as her actual mom and brother, which she's free to not do. OP is the one who tried to force herself into the role when no one asked her to, OP is the one who couldn't take a hint and threw a party no one aske for, OP is the one who racked up a bill in the 5 figure range (which is undeniably stupid no matter what you think about her or her husband). Lucy didn't ask for a new mom and she's free to treat her dad's wife as just that, her dad's wife. OP needs to wise up and realize she can't brute force her way into the fairy tale happy family if that's not what Lucy wants, and hopefully whoever the dad dates next reaches the same conclusion (preferably not the hard way).

[@mgen278]

Story 3: HE TOUCHED THE CAMERAS?!?! Damn near pissed myself 😂 No dude, just a whole lotta No. I’ve been in the industry & had roomies who were PA’s…mad respect for those who are pooped upon…& you don’t touch anything unless you are told to. I have sat/stood in the same position for what seems like hours while cameras are adjusted. In face Emily Blunt told a story on Graham Norton about filming with Tom Cruise where they were stuck in air, in harnesses, in costume, in a tiny room, sweating, while the cameras were being adjusted. Never touch the cameras! Love your stories Mark🎉😊

[@janedoe885]

I have sort of mixed feelings on story one, in that OP was absolutely TA and in the wrong imo (behavior like that 1000% explains Lucy's distance) but I'm not super impressed with husband either if the account is accurate. It sounds like family therapy was needed years ago. No one in the story seems to be communicating.

[@lovelywolv]

Op probably planned a surprise party because she knew if her husband knew about it he would tell her to stop but she wanted to throw a party to show what a good stepmother she was. ETA: The husband is NOT in the wrong for not telling Op about his daughter's anxiety. She didn't want OP to know for a reason. Why does it get to be ignored? It's not a deadly allergy so she doesn't have the right to know.

[@larynadams1127]

Based on OP's action in the post my guess is she over steps with Lucy often and so not telling her would be so Lucy doesn't feel any discomfort. I've dealt with overbearing people like OP and it makes me want to hide myself even more the more they try to pry.

[@Lillypop93]

That woman was at some point in the last 7 years in charge of caring for the girl she's his wife he very well is in the wrong it might not be an allergy but it is something worth knowing she probably never would have thrown a party if she knew there was a reason that wasn't a vague put off

[@lovelywolv]

@@larynadams1127 She doesn't need to know if his daughter doesn't want her to know. All of a sudden her feelings are validated because she has anxiety? No. They should've been validated from the start.

[@larynadams1127]

@@lovelywolv????

[@lovelywolv]

@@larynadams1127 whoops meant to reply to the person under you

[@Mimikinn]

I kinda feel sorry for the first OP. She doesn’t sound very smart and is obviously selfish but I think she does genuinely love Lucy and her husband. But the husband sounds cold and detached from the marriage and doesn’t respect his wife. I wonder why he even bothered to marry her? It obviously wasn’t for Lucy.

[@Me-wk3ix]

So many step-parents on Reddit seem to feel that stomping all over their step-kid's boundaries and demanding respect and affection from them are the way to bond.

[@yesi112]

How do you make or attend a birthday party and not even notice when the birthday girl leaves. That just wild.

[@tegantalks9612]

I think everyone kind of sucks here. Clearly OP and her husband have different expectations with family and did not communicate them properly. I also think that as a step parent who lives with a child it is important that they be aware of medical issues, like the social anxiety. I think this whole situation is a mess and these people should have never gotten married in the first place.

[@Justcallmeaqua420]

Agreed!! Only one that is innocent is OP's son, at least in this situation

[@carlrood4457]

I agree, but I also noticed OP completely fails to mention anything about what Lucy's bio-mom's place is in the picture. It gives the impression she's not present, but never states it outright. If not, why? Death? Abandonment? It only states Lucy was around 8 when they married, not how long they dated. Toby would have been around 3. These would be important factors in telling how much OP was forcing a bond that was unwanted. Why omit them if they didn't make her look bad? Nor does it say when Lucy was diagnosed and OP didn't seem aware she was in therapy. You'd notice if your kid had a regular weekly appointment for years.

[@olsonashley4]

@@carlrood4457you might not notice if they have a regular appointment like that if the father is always taking her and they frame it as dad/daughter time.

[@SugarFreeZaddy]

“The party was amazing, I had a great time!” Yikes… it’s not even her birthday

[@pambarab5506]

Story 1. OP is an AH but not a malicious person IMO. A "read the room" AH, and "don't tell the hubby how much I spent" AH.

[@artygirl66]

People like OP in the first story are so ignorant because they refuse to see anything beyond what THEY want. Hopefully the embarrassment she felt for forcing her way into everything, especially with Lucy NOT WANTING a freaking party in the first place. Mega YTA and leave your stepdaughter the hell alone and quit trying to be her mom when she doesn't want it. She won't come back because of YOU. If you divorce then the problem will be solved either way. After the update, you literally brought this all on yourself OP. Obviously your actions over the years has pushed both your husband and Lucy further away from you. Just divorce and get it over with and decide what you're doing with the possible pregnancy but leave Lucy alone and get over yourself.

[@Digitalfairy]

Better yet law of ice - Lucy won't care either way, she's good at that too.

[@khaleesireyna731]

@@Digitalfairy Lucy's a brat. Mental illness or not, gaslighting and constantly being dismissive/ignoring people is being a brat. She probably uses her social anxiety as an excuse for it too, given that her daddy is always there to make excuses for her nasty behavior, too. Ugh, this story gets my blood boiling because, yeah OP is TA of this story, but something tells me hubby and Lucy have been the biggest AHs to ever AH in this entire dynamic and it just so happens to be OP who ends up knocking that whole house of cards down in that instance.

[@echtemeid415]

Story 1: ESH. Most folks have already aired their opinion on why the mom sucks, and I completely agree with that. But the dad is also an asshole for hiding important information regarding his daughter. Social anxiety is no joke, and it would have given the mom a great insight (she could have even found helps on how to support somebody with social anxiety if she knew) to why Lucy likes/dislikes certain things. It's hard being a blended family, but this family was not even blended 5%. 💀 They are just 2 parents living together with both their children. That's what it sounds like. If something this important as somebody's mental health is not being shared at all, what else is not being shared? No wonder there is no relationship between the stepmom and daughter. There is no communication it seems. The fact that dad just stands by confuses me. What is going on with these people? Did he check out of the relationship a long time ago, or does he not care for his daughter to have a relationship with the stepmom? Why would that be? These folks should not be together. I do feel bad for the children though: this can not be easy on them. Neither of them asked for whatever mess is going on yet they are also effected by it all.

[@locusxe1411]

His daughter told him not to say anything. I think it was rude for him to still tell. And idk about you but to me of Op did know about this she still would have went through with it under the guise that it would help her communicate better or some bs. Op just doesn’t sound like a good person so I can’t agree with ESH

[@ANAMEHASNOTBEENTAKE]

I tentatively agree, though I think there’s a problem of an unreliable narrator thing going on. Husband honestly sounds very disdainful of wife, like he wants somebody to clean, watch the kids and share his bed but not somebody with their own needs and opinions. Yes, his daughter should always be his first priority, but when he married OP he made a commitment to her that he doesn’t appear to be honoring. OP is definitely displaying a lot of poor judgement, but at least she’s trying.

[@nayahri]

Lucy seems like a proper brat, TBH, who was allowed to be a jerk to OP AND her son (remember that she wasn't kind to him either) for far too long, and Dad enabled it. I question if even the husband liked OP, or if he married her because he had to marry someone and she just happened to be there. Toby is the real and only true victim here....f*ck Lucy, f*ck the husband and even though OP was insanely TA for the party and the bill, I feel kinda bad for her because it's evident that not only does her stepdaughter not like her....Neither does her husband. I think no matter who Dad ends up with, Lucy will behave this way.

[@kashiialcuin1688]

​@locusxe1411 this is problematic for several reasons. 1 how do you not tell your partner of 7 years that your child has social anxiety? Whether or not Lucy wanted him to tell it seems as if Lucy has been behaving poorly towards op and stepbrother for years. And lest we forget stepbrother was 3 when op got with her husband. Can you imagine how poorly lucy treated him? I genuinely believe if op is actually pregnant Lucy would have major resentment towards the baby because she wants her father's time to herself. And don't get me started on the husband. Allowing his daughter to disrespect his wife and stepson. Not communicating with his wife. Not including his wife and stepson for events like birthday dinners. Not even gonna go thru why op was ta. That's been discussed ad nauseum. But literally esh except the 10yo kid.

[@randomusername3873]

Wait, so the person that never wants to celebrate her birthday or even have it acknowledged was not happy to have a surprise birthday party? Who could have seen that coming Edit: wait, A HUNDRED people? What kind of lunatic invites 100 people to a child bithday, wtf. She probably doesn't even know half of them Edit 2: HOW MUCH DID SHE SPENT?? And she didn't even know that? What?😂😂😂😂

[@patheon9541]

not only that but a 5 figure number on a birthday party for 100 people what the heck was at that party

[@WraysCustoms]

OP #1 is a straight-up narcissist and it blows my mind all the crap she tried to get away with.

[@Tpforbunghole]

Story 1: doesn’t even matter who’s right or wrong, they just need to divorce

[@abelink9229]

Story 1: I know another commenter already said it, but: the birthday girl and her father weren't even there @ "the party was amazing" I can't even!

[@MrSiren52]

If getting yelled at by the director makes you feel unsafe you are in the wrong industry pal.

[@dm9078]

The step daughter has set clear boundaries. And OP has stomped all over them. She doesn’t consider op and her son her family, she did not want a birthday party but OP disregarded her wants. This party was not about step daughter is was about OP. YTA and she is reaping what she sowed! Edit: I die a little bit Every time she rejects me? This woman needs therapy! Anyone who thinks this precious Snowflake is going to apologize he’s crazy. His parents his grandparents the schools have told him all his life how special he is and he believes it. I’m actually surprised that his mother called him out. YTA 100%

[@justozzy5559]

That last person seriously needed to get a grip. It's like a waitress or waiter walking in and acting like the actual shop owner. You just can't do that!

[@tokyosan7906]

After hearing this story, why are they even married? The party isn't the problem, its the latest culmination of a problem.

[@espio329]

Story 1: OP sucks for the massive boundary stomping, the husband also sucks for not telling his wife about his daughter's extreme social anxiety and general lack of communication to the point he ignores her over a massive concern and shuts down any communication about it. They both sound incompatible and should go their separate ways.

[@Sonicanimefan1]

Except, the husband doesn't suck there. Daughter requested he not tell OP. He would've sucked massively if he told OP after that

[@espio329]

@@Sonicanimefan1 He does indeed suck here, shut her down when she asked what was the issue with lucy and lack any basic communication skills with his spouse of 5 years.

[@olsonashley4]

He could have easily said early on that Lucy is uncomfortable with large gatherings and also is uncomfortable with physical affection by people she hasn’t know her entire life. Sounds like OP was set up to fail from the beginning. But she is also to blame for not backing off when it was clear Lucy wanted nothing to do with her.

[@janda1258]

@@olsonashley4 if a kid pushes me away when I hug them and they don’t want to be thrown a party (over a 7 year period too), I think I have high enough IQ to see where their boundaries are no matter what their situation might be. The daughter was the one that didn’t want husband to tell OP about the social anxiety, and I applaud him for respecting his own daughters wishes. OP isn’t owed anything, especially not when repeatadly stomping boundaries

[@lazulin]

I was looking for this. OP did a lot wrong, but she wasn't the only TA here. Her husband isn't communicating at all and it's worsening a bad relationship between OP and stepdaughter. Instead of explaining Lucy's issues, he's expecting her to mindread and doing nothing to foster a positive relationship even after seven years. And let's not forget that this was caused in part by him really dropping the ball on OP's birthday party. Clearly, she takes birthday parties very seriously and he knows it, so him planning last-minute and not so much as having a nice cake is hard to excuse. He also fails to communicate at every point, setting OP up for failure - he doesn't communicate why Lucy feels the way she does, how Lucy would be more comfortable, he doesn't communicate the issue of having to leave the party due to Lucy's anxiety, he doesn't communicate to mend things with Lucy after the party, he doesn't remotely mediate. He seems entirely checked out of the marriage.

[@mezzokitty247]

That first story, omg the OP is the ultimate stepmonster. All the comments saying that she threw the party for herself were right on the money, so much so that she even straight up admitted this fact in the update lol. And she STILL clearly thinks she was completely right in doing this since she made herself out to be the victim when her soon-to-be ex husband refused to pay the insane bill for the mess she purposefully created (also feel like the apology she made to Lucy was just for show since she didn't even try to actually make up for it and even acted like she was the one wronged since Lucy didn't instantly forgive her and act like everything was perfectly fine). My heart breaks for Lucy, I could tell right from the beginning that she was either an introvert or had social anxiety and her dad is an amazing parent for being aware of that and helping his daughter get out of that overwhelming situation so her special day could still be about what she wanted instead of being all about the stepmonster OP. So glad OP decided to leave right then even if she thinks she's doing it for herself and her son's sake, cuz now the husband and Lucy will (most likely) not have to deal with them again. Hate that Toby is picking up habits from OP's victim complex tho, sadly he is going to end up being just like OP. Sorry for the long rant lol, just hate "parents" like these with a burning passion.

[@ComaLies225]

As much as I feel for OP in story 1, she also crossed a boundary with Lucy. If Lucy explained she didn’t want a bday party, then why throw a bday party?????

[@Kleomenides86]

Ok, I'm confused about the first story: I hate birthday parties, but my friends and family love them and I love to spend time with them, so I have always had one or a dinner celebration (save for the past 3 years due to the pandemic) so I get Lucy doesn't like parties. What OP said is also true, if you never had one or had one that was ruined somehow, you are more resistent, but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy one, plus I know people who wanted a party but the family didn't want to "waste" money (despite them having it) to celebrate...so I understand OP line of toughts, plus some teens are difficult to warm up to the idea but actually enjoy the surprise and friends. I wouldn't have done anything without telling at least my husband and sure as hell I wouldn't have spent so much money...but ok. What I don't get is her husband: ok, you are the main parent and maybe you were not searching for a mother fot Lucy, but hiding she has social anxiety and marrying someone who clearly loves to have people around plus has a very friendly kid and don't even giving an explanation on top of just leaving and not answering??? OP admitted she was let down by her own party but again, you marry someone who loves family and friends gatherings and you throw her a small and disorganized party? Also, if she invited 100 people and knew her family might have bit a bit pissed in the beginning, it's easy she didn't notice them leaving....but also, all of Lucy's friends never noticed or told anyone she wasn't there? are those really friends? I also want to know.....Lucy's mum? if she's around ok, but if she's not, of course your new wife is indeed a parental figure! and of course she cares for the kid and wants to bond...if you are not on board with this, you should tell your SO immediately, not ignoring the fact she and her son feel left out and never offering an explanation aside from "let it go" or "don't meddle" expecially if getting involved for you means caring for her and trying to get to know her.....why did you remarry and why her of all people??? Can you imagine being called by the therapist and discovering for the first time in 8 years your stepdaughter goes or being called to school because she had an attack and not know what they were talking about? OP is probably her legal guardian too, CPS could have been called if she didn't know anything and her husband wasn't there or something happend to him, you don't hid important health stuff! OP did wrong and shouldn't have pushed her boundaries (but simply being told no by a child you have helped raising for years and being let thought it was because her dad remarried and she resented the new people aren't exactly clear boundaries) but her husband married her and her son just to make them miserable if he knew they would never really be a family nor was he interested in one, but simply in a companion! He also made his daughter miserable if she doesn't like having people around, expecially ones friendly and that she didn't really choose! They should have gotten engaged and waited for Lucy to be in college to get married, but I bet it was nice to have someone who cooked, cleaned, helped and parented and toke the kid to school ecc (she wouldn't have known the friends if she didn't). What a mess, I hope OP isn't pregnant and end the marriage, they are way to different and have different concepts of family.

[@LilAngelPrincess95]

All of this. I was really surprised that there was so little mentioned about the husband. So much could have been avoided if he had communicated better so OP would actually know everything going on.

[@heathercontois4501]

Story 1-I see where both OP and her husband suck, but not the teen daughter. No mater what his child wanted, anything about mental or physical medical history or current conditions need to be discussed. That party and debt never would have happened if he had communicated to her, and she should actually be paying attention to the fact that they are not party people while she is. I feel bad for the kids, that they have such self-centered parents. I also hate to break it to her, but that man is going to be absent, married to him or not.

[@emeraldazakite]

I have relatives that worked on movie and TV sets, and yeah, it wasn't her place to tell the director that. It's not her job.

[@patronofdragons]

The fact it was a Quinceanera makes everything boundary crossing and selfishness worse.

[@franciscalemessy3498]

Why did she plan a surprise party, when the step daughter never ever wanted a birthday party. OP did not asked before planning the surprise party.

[@tailsimp]

Oh yeah OP cared so deeply about Lucy connecting with her that she didn't notice that the kid has social anxiety for seven freaking years. Amazing.

[@Scotia__]

Social anxiety manifests in different ways that can make it difficult to guess. The OP had zero reason to assume social anxiety, as opposed to being an introvert that just didn't like her. Not knowing the kid had social anxiety is the one thing that OP isn't an AH for - that was on her husband. The moment he decided to respect his daughter's choice by not telling OP the marriage was over imo. I don't think it was the wrong choice, but he absolutely should have ended the relationship at that point. When you can't tell your life partner significant & relevant medical information about your daughter - for whatever reason - they shouldn't be your partner any more. Full stop. I think both OP and the husband are complete a-holes here. A couple of morons who should never have married in the first place.

[@khaleesireyna731]

@@Scotia__ "respect his daughters choice" in this case really just means "let my daughter treat a woman she's known for 7 years like shit"... yeah, idk about yall, but I've chased enough moving goal posts in my life, if someone wants to constantly treat me like crap, I ain't chasing em. That's OPs mistake. Hubby's mistake is letting his daughter be a brat (mental illness is not an excuse here) for 7 years. If being an AH is a full time job, hubby is employee of the month.

[@gaywerewolf1294]

@@khaleesireyna731 tell me you'll force your kids into shit they don't wanna do without telling me you'll force your kids into doing shit they don't wanna do. Don't wonder why they don't visit you after they leave. The kid isn't being a brat, OP is by throwing temper tantrums and parties knowing the kid didn't even want one.

[@gaywerewolf1294]

@@Scotia__ I'm sorry but attending having social anxiety isn't "significant and relevant" info that needs to be shared lol. That's info that the daughter should share, not the husband.

[@sushi9655]

@@khaleesireyna731 I think you're adding details to OP's story that wasn't even there because you sympathize with her. How was Lucy treating her like shit for 7 years? Lucy was simply distant with OP because she didn't consider them as family, which hurt OP because she wanted to have an instant bond with Lucy. I also think she probably hurt her chances with Lucy because from the story, we can see that she has no problems stomping over boundaries. Aside from the fact that she threw a huge party for Lucy (which in actuality is really for her) which Lucy didn't even want, she also mentions that she keeps trying to hug Lucy which also gets rejected. Idk about you, but I don't even like being touched by pushy people, let alone be hugged by someone who keeps disrespecting my boundaries. Lucy is not obligated to see her as a mother, nor is she even obligated to be close to OP. OP wanted her to be her daughter but Lucy didn't want her to be her mother. Dad is an AH for sure for not communicating like an adult, but OP is the biggest AH here. Up until the end, it was all about her.h

[@kwcphotography8749]

As far as story one goes, it actually sounds like the husband was communicating, but had reached a point where he was tired of not being, listened to. By a wife, who threw a five figure party, that even she admits wasn’t even for the person who didn’t want it in the first place.

[@Chris-qf5do]

My son has a classmate who doesn't like to celebrate her birthday with a big party because it's also the day her mother died (during childbirth). Maybe there's a reason why Lucy doesn't like celebrating her birthday and OP is just tone deaf.

[@Justcallmeaqua420]

It was Social Anxiety that she didn't know of. I'll be honest, I would try to tell the daughter that telling the step mom (OP) about it would be better as she (OP) is insisting on throwing a party. Glad they are getting divorced though but sad that Lucy is not informing people about her anxiety to the point of causing a divorce.

[@jessig.6791]

@@Justcallmeaqua420 I would assume a simple "No, I don't like parties" would suffice though.

[@ugan2]

@@Justcallmeaqua420 She was probably embarassed about it and didn't feel comfortable telling the stepmom something like that (took me a while to tell my stepmom about my own conditions and I'm in my twenties. Has to be harder for a 15 year old). Even so, if stepdaughter didn't want a party then op should have left it at that or at least suggested something else if she still wanted to do something for her bday like go out to a nice restaurant, day trip with her friends, or just get her a really nice gift.

[@Justcallmeaqua420]

@@jessig.6791 People are dense, that's all I have to say

[@Justcallmeaqua420]

@@ugan2 Agreed and thanks for sharing your experience. Though I doubt a bit it was embarrassment but more the toxic extrovert energy OP was emanating or not viewing them trustworthy of knowing

[@CatsOverBrats]

I have social anxiety too. I would also have turned around and left if someone threw a surprise party like that for me. Too many people. I can't deal with that without having had weeks to prepare mentally.

[@accidentalgoddess]

1st story: It's incredibly telling that everything in the post was about OP, including the update. HER feelings, HER wants, HER everything. There wasn't ever a mention about how Lucy or even the husband was feeling about anything, except in how it impacted OP and her feels because that's clearly all that's important to her. The fact that Lucy won't even reapond to her anymore reeks of a long history of never being listened to or considered as a person with their own wants and needs. The husband's responses speak to someone who has had these conversations so frequently they no longer see the point. The simple fact that OP couldn't comprehend Dad holding up his daughter's boundries on who to give personal info to kind of says it all. And never ONCE was there a mention of Lucy's mom or any feels the kid might have about her mom. This is a nightmare step-parent who clearly doesn't even, or ever will, realize it. She should get a divorce attorney, cause guarantee her husband already has.

[@juliamiller2299]

Story 1, OP should realize things will never change with her step-daughter and drop it. She should apologize to her husband. Her stepdaughter will soon be leaving for college in a few years, and she should just ignore the girl other than have polite interactions when they are together. Her main focus should be on her marriage and if she and her husband are willing to make it work, or if she should leave the marriage. The monkeywrench is that she may be pregnant, so she had better be working on things, confirm it with a pregnancy test, and then tell her husband the news. Maybe she will finally get the daughter she always wanted, but she will have to write off her step-daughter ever having a relationship with her and her son.

[@hungrymusicwolf]

Story 2: The way you treat people almost always comes back to haunt you. If you think you can "get someone" on their parking lease, then they will find a way to "get you back" for that, and I assure you they'll try to make it hurt much worse than you hurt them.

[@cookingkurry4384]

S1 that marriage was over from the start, Everyone checked out (the husband does not listen to op/his nonchalantt attitude), there is no communication of important things(The daughters anxiety/ Not telling husband about the party/ daughter is dictating the father/ husband never facilitated or tried to introduce the daughter to op or her kid in a healthy way), boundaries were stomped on (Op throwing the party, even though the daughter didn't want it but this could also fit in Communication where I feel nothing was said out loud or actually discussed) This whole situation is an ESH, everyone but the son have something to contribute to this cluster fuck of a marriage. Marriage/family counselling is not going to save this, Op should abort and move on.

[@jguterrez01]

Story#1: OP divorce and go live your life. It's been too long and the daughter still doesn't respect you

[@arianebolt1575]

OP list things she did for the party like she expects to be repaid for them, instead of (reality) ways she plowed straight through a barrier. And she didn't even try to interact with her stepdaughter the whole time.

[@reginarainer9740]

The OP in the first story sounds like a nightmare. She’s got no real respect for her husband or her stepdaughter, stomps all over boundaries and is a spendthrift. If I was the stepdaughter I’d be cold AF to her too. Story 2- the unmitigated AUDACITY of this person! They’re lucky they didn’t get murdered by the cameraman as well as the director.

[@Mewse1203]

Story 1: let me reword it: I completely disrespected my stepdaughter and husband's boundary and they're mad at me and I don't understand why. "You were too busy enjoying the party to notice" And that's the point. OP didnt do this for Lucy. She did it for herself. I'm taking bets on this being a "missing-missing reasons" story where OP has been told exactly why Lucy doesn't like parties but doesn't care because it's not about Lucy. It's about OP. And they didn't disrespect her. She disrespected them. Edit after comments: that comment about the husband communication hit it on the head but I think there is a reason why he isn't: he already has and she's still isn't getting it Edit after update: OP has been in herblife for 7 years and jn that time, it's obvious she had done nothing butbstomo that girl's boundaries and try to replace her mom. OP spent 5 figures in a party o herself without her Partner's input and expects him to helpnfoot the bill. She has made herself such a bad figure that she didn't even get told Lucy was in therapy. So I was slightly wrong. She didn't know exactly why Lucy didn't like parties but she knew that Lucy didn't and still threw one anyway in such an extravagant manner that she didn't even know how much she spent. OP is a massive asshole I'm sure husband had been telling her to back off for years and she wouldn't listen. And calling him an absent father is BULLSHIT. He isn't an absent father. He seems to be a very attentive father going to bat for his kid in the face of a Disney stepmom

[@jjm152]

Clearly OP shouldn't have thrown that party and her obsession with parties is a bit unhealthy. But also, it's really clear that Lucy's actions were an act of pure protest against her step mother. She doesn't like her step mother and probably has never liked her for whatever reasons. I can't help but think that Lucy's obvious dislike for her stepmother someone drove the stepmother to this outrageous action because in stepmothers mind, she's trying to PROVE herself to Lucy.

[@jerrystauffer2351]

#3 telling your boss he's an idiot when you're a snot nosed kid is the surest way to be hated forever. OP is a proud fool and being told off is not "making you unsafe". I hate that term.