I Wish I Wasn’t Gay: The Struggle to Accept Myself

[@dubon9999]

Being a Gay man has always meant going against the current.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

You're so right-it often feels like we're swimming upstream just to be ourselves. It's not always easy, but there's something powerful about standing in your truth, even when the world pushes back. Thank you for sharing this!😃

[@aidenfreedom]

Thank you guys for this thought provoking episode, me too, did not want to be 'gay' when I was young. It has taken me many years to really come to accept myself as I am, not sure I can say I am completely there even now, because just when you think that, something happens to make you aware of another deeper level of self awareness to come to terms with. So I find the need to love myself in these revelations of me. Only this week in our Yoga relaxation class a deep memory came back to me very strong, I was about 5 years old and my Granddad had friends from London who came to his Farm in summer, they visited us at our Farm in my home town of Clevedon, the young man picked me up in his arms, in that moment I felt love from a man, the first time ever, I have only just realised that!!! That was 64 years ago? Wow, you never know what else we can discover about ourselves, thing is I was suicidal at 16 due to my Fathers hatred of me, yet out there somewhere there was love for me, only I did not realise that then. So glad I do now!!! Namaste 🙏 Peace and love to you guys from Britain❤

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you so much for sharing your story-it's incredibly moving and shows just how deep our journeys of self-acceptance can go. It’s beautiful that you’ve found moments of love and self-realization, even from long ago, and we're so glad you’re in a place now where you can embrace that. Peace and love to you as well! 🙏❤

[@aidenfreedom]

@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thank you❣🙏

[@davidrigsby4828]

Michael I was one of those who saw the title, and thought “what? I wanna hear what they have to say.” I’m not typically into listening to podcasts, but I liked, subscribed, and hit the notification bell (first time doing that for anything on KZbin) because this conversation helped me SO much! I’m signing up for whatever you all are offering! This was incredible, non-threatening, and real talk! Thank you so much.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

We're so glad that this has helped you. Thank you for joining us!😉🥰

[@dragonshreya26]

this is so sad 🙏 praying for love for all those guys & girls & non-binary pals in high school being bullied :(

[@aaryck5601]

I love being gay. The challenge I’m having is meeting someone who wants a deep meaningful relationship. They are out there but the pickings feel/seem slim.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing your that.🙂

[@hydrogenneon]

Trying to normalize gayness with straightness is wrong and exhausting. Because it's more to do with statistics.

[@gw6482]

Omg that pill! Like Matt and Michael, I so needed one when I was a confused boy, but now, I need a pill to be even gayer, if that’s even possible! And like Reno, I always liked “girls’ stuff” when I was little, clothes, toys, I saw myself as female characters… it was such a struggle because “I should like those things”. But my sexual orientation has not only allowed me to connect with great men physically and emotionally, the pinnacle being my husband, but I’ve had the time of my life with friends at all kinds of events, and honestly, I have a fabulous gay life, I would not change one thing!

[@peraman2022]

The answer for the first question is a strong no! I’m not all that sexually active now a days. But for the simple fact that I never wanted kids. So being in a state of absolute disinterest has prevented me from making any mistakes.

[@marthadonnapurrrr]

24:20 aww thank you so much, all of you, for talking about this. It is helping me alot ❤

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

We're glad to be of help.🥰

[@jamessorrel]

I have never felt like i didn't want to be gay myself. I hope we can all come to accept ourselves ❤️

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for your thoughts!😍

[@hydrogenneon]

One pillow is too low , three pillows are too high.

[@pppexplorer]

Great conversation, guys. 👏🏽🌈I recently saw an online meme of a drag queen saying that being gay in and of itself isn't hard; but rather, straight people (of more specifically, homophobes) make life hard for LGBT people. Yes, there are challenges with dating because there is a relatively smaller dating people, but that is exacerbated by homophobia because some people are afraid to be open about this sexuality.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Agreed! Thank you so much for your support.🥰

[@pppexplorer]

Above, I meant there is a relatively smaller dating *pool*. 😃

[@genethetimemachine2316]

@@GayMenGoingDeeper

[@MathewRyan1111]

I love that Reno has an altar! I do too. 🥰

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Wow! That's good to know.💞

[@Happykingnow]

Always found it extremely difficult and wanted to be straight pretty much all my life … I find being gay is so superficial for so many in the community so I’m now reclusive

[@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax]

Same for me

[@DK-yq5nx]

@@Happykingnow I hear you. The urban ‘gay community’ is incredibly superficial and exploitative. That’s why I have little or nothing to do with it. I’ve been with my partner for 37 years. We have a tightly knit group of gay and straight friends and we stick with that. No element of my life can be said to be superficial. I think problems raise their head when you think you have to be part of the ‘gay community’ in order to lead a healthy and fulfilling life as a homosexual. Most homosexuals are not part of the urban gay landscape.

[@Happykingnow]

@@DK-yq5nx thank you for this and congratulations on what you have achieved. I think my journey as being a loner was actually going to happen anyway whatever the circumstances. You make some very good points and thank you for sharing your experiences

[@carlorizzo827]

ThankU Fellows. I'm taking it in, but have not found acceptance. Work in progress. There's a teacher, his site is called awaken insight. He once stated "Acceptance is relaxation of the mind" I love the simplicity of that. And it doesn't exclude sadness/grief

[@07triman]

I know you are right. I can see that being gay has made me a better man. But it has cost me so much. I can't ever imagine feeling good about it. I still wish I wasn't gay.

[@jeffwatkins352]

I would absolutely NOT take that pill. I went through the inevitable adolescent angst but as I approached my 20s that transformed into pure joy. Gay or straight or all the gradations in between, we all face life challenges. At 72, I’m out of the relationship game. But I still love being gay.

[@anelencube9292]

"Being gay is a gift from God"🙏

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing this.😍

[@kso808]

Back around my early 20's, I probably would have said "yes, I'd take the pill." I regarded it as an albatross around my neck, something as a cross to bear in my life, in addition to any other flaws I may have perceived in myself. However, like Michael and others, I changed over time, as I came to know others like me. Ultimately, I did a 180 degree turn when I learned and accepted that all of us are part of God's grand plan.

[@Krishicher]

While never identifying as trans, the pill I wanted was to be a girl so that my 6th grade crush would notice me. This was exclusively to be able to connect to him within 1976 social expectations.

[@fredphilippi8388]

Would I take "the pill"? For the first 44 years of my life, yes, I would have taken it. But at the age of 44, having exhausted all Christian and any other options, I finally accepted myself as gay, soon found myself dating a guy, and then entering into a 20-year marriage, until his death. For that I remain very grateful.

[@hydrogenneon]

There should have been a guy who would take that pill in this discussion. It would have definitely made it more meaningful.

[@daveflo7379]

I wish I was more GAY. now that im older I love being with another man it just feels so right. when I was younger i didn't have as strong feeling about being with another man.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

It’s amazing how our feelings and sense of self can deepen with time. Thank you for sharing this-it’s never too late to feel more connected to yourself!🥰

[@mattorero]

One of my biggest fears coming out was feeling that I was going to have to love drag queens , or the Lady Gaga style of gay man, that I was going to be force-teamed with people with whom I had nothing in common. Finding gay men with interests in motorcycles, fitness, camping, adventures was what made me love being a homosexual.

[@meropale]

This comment comes off as homophobic/misogynist.

[@ShockingREDDIT-cl8xe]

@@meropale you gotta be joking

[@Rage_Harder_Then_Relax]

@@ShockingREDDIT-cl8xe Don't think so.

[@enzomthethwa5861]

I relate to this HARD. When I first came out, I DID feel pigeon-holed by the gay community to like stereotypical stuff that I wasn't into. It took moving to a different city with a gay culture that resonated more with me to find that there are all kinds of ways to be gay. You define it for yourself. It's a lot easier to be at peace with your sexuality when you meet other gay people who share your interests and values.

[@brenb7153]

I fully admit I wish I wasn’t. I think life is hard enough as it is, and being different in any aspect makes things harder. But I’ve also always been Christian and firmly believe in Christ so that’s always been something I’ve wrestled with and I don’t agree with the “Pride” agenda or culture at all. I think that diverges and separates us more than brings us as a community closer together. I don’t approve of any group that tries to separate us from another, even churches that do that. As a gay Christian man, I’ve seen many Christian’s do this too, and I’m not about that either. I’ve always felt just like a dude that happens to want to be with another dude. I’ve never seen myself as any different than that aspect of myself. Yet others on both sides have made me feel like I’ve needed to choose a side as if I needed to be in some kind of cult. It’s just been very hard road and I have not found peace with it because I still keep my faith in mind and haven’t found anyone to love or that loves me with any sense of morality or values. I think it’s the mission or cross to bare that I have in this life, so I accept it and I believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but at the same time, if I could choose for myself or anyone else, I would not choose this kind of struggle for myself or anyone. It’s been very lonely and difficult to navigate. It’s not that I don’t accept myself, I accepted it I just wish it was easier and why would anyone want the struggles I’ve mentioned. If there was a pill and all it did was change my sexual orientation and not anything else about me except that one thing - yes sign me up please

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing your story.😍

[@brenb7153]

@@GayMenGoingDeeper thank you (:

[@michaelk622]

I have “come to terms” with being gay. I believe my life would’ve been easier had I been straight and in that way wish I weren’t. I enjoy being gay now and appreciate it despite the loneliness that comes with it.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing this-it’s so real to feel both pride and the weight of what life might have been; embracing both sides of that experience takes true courage.💪

[@kw6382]

Claptrap! I didn't choose to be gay. I just got lucky!

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Wow! Thanks for sharing.😍

[@DK-yq5nx]

My heart goes out to gay men who can’t accept themselves. I’ve never had that problem. From the age of 16, when I realised I was gay, I’ve never had a problem accepting myself. No guilt, no shame, no hiding whatsoever. There was no question for me that I just had to be true to myself, despite social opprobrium. And there was a lot of it back in the late 1970s when I came out. I have to say I’ve had a very contented life, with a partner, friends and largely supportive family. I know not everyone has that. And I think I’m a better person for being homosexual. It’s made me a kinder, more considerate and accepting person. The trick for me was accepting myself and remaining true to that no matter what.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

We appreciate you for being true to yourself and unbothered.😉Thank you for sharing!😍

[@hydrogenneon]

Well with all that positivity about being gay ...would you prevent few guys who would desire to take that pill ?

[@DK-yq5nx]

@@hydrogenneon I believe in personal choice. If someone is unhappy being homosexual and they want to live as heterosexual, it is entirely up to them. No one else’s business. I know a gay man who at 40 fell in love with a woman and from there on led a heterosexual life. I also know a heterosexual woman who from 50 onward led an entirely lesbian life.

[@DK-yq5nx]

@@WynterFyre what ‘psycho-babble’ are you referring to?

[@hydrogenneon]

@@DK-yq5nx all gay men wish sexuality were a choice.

[@ivanmeen742]

Great guests

[@marthadonnapurrrr]

I probably would think about taking the hypothetical anti-gay pill bc i’m exhausted of being socially outcast for simply being myself. It is a never ending torture that will follow me my entire life, i fear. Bc of the place i live & i don’t have the resources to escape. Structual & systematic oppression make it literal hell to be gay for many people. But at the end of the day, i don’t think i would take it.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Stay strong! You've got this. 💪

[@DavidReyes-k6c]

I knew I was gay since day one I had several different boyfriends about different ethnicities I would go to people's houses that were gay and have a encounters I was a high school closet gay at the time my dad kept on saying to me knowing that I was the oldest that when you turn 18 it's up to you by then my job is done you do whatever you want to be 18 then later on I had friends that were gay and started taking me to gay bars we'll see you got to understand my old man was mayor of our town my dad did a lot of things that got me by that I assumed every boy had with his dad and when he was mayor I thought he would hire Entourage to secretly scope me out sing that I was truly gay or not then when the so-called s*** hit the fan I started getting locked up in multiple different mental wards and when I was in my teens set these rules for psychiatry you know don't be too deep keep it light this is our problem it's no it's no one else's problem having head-shrinking sessions was shameful p so when things got to be real bad in a kind of played it up are you okay and oh yeah I'm fine there's really nothing going wrong I would say you knowmy old man's wasted money on these head shrinking sessions there's nothing really wrong with me when in fact there is many things because we was always told you know don't go too deep with the psychiatrist it's none of her business his business and then when I did have it I mean there wasn't even a minute wasted that my dad would pick me up and say and I play the part you know we didn't say a whole lot.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing this-it sounds like you've been through so much, and your story really speaks to the strength it takes to navigate those tough family and societal expectations. We're glad you're here, sharing your journey with us.😍

[@metalfenix]

Wow, that's a charged question. Would I take a pill to change my sexuality?. My answer before this year would be a hell yeah. I blamed my sexuality for all what happened in my life, trauma included, to unhealthy lengths. But... after coming out this year, I had come to the conclusion that my sexuality, while yeah it may have shaped some things of myself, it wasn't the cause of all my issues. So I wouldn't take it. I thought that after I came out, everything would be perfect. I would be able to walk into a gay bar/disco, I would have tons of grindr dates and hookups, and I would finally have my dreamed boyfriend. NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. I'm still the mess that is unable to talk to people, have friends, and how do I pretend to have a boyfriend while I can't talk to people? I erased my gridr profile. Coming to a Gay disco or Pub? alone? Forget it, even in my 20s, I avoided straight bars and discos, too much people, noise. Same could be said of pride parades (well sometimes there is one in my country... but I'm suspicious of it) but too much people there. I can't even pick when someone flirts with me, or even try to flirt with someone so that part is completely lost with me. I would be a bad partner, no matter who I'm engaged with, I blamed this all on depression, or introversion, or my fear of people finding out I was gay... but it's something more, something I want to discuss with a mental health professional. I have suspicions of autism, but even if it isn't that, it IS something that is not related to my sexuality. These months I began to forgive myself, that liking men is not bad, that placing the blame of everything that happened in my life to my sexuality is a wrong, and maybe coward too. I have +30 years of internalized homophobia to unpack too, so it's a journey. A journey that began this year. I still don't know how to connect to others, I practically didn't bother to learn those skills during most of my life.

[@meropale]

For a long time being gay was the worst thing in the world. I always knew I was gay and it was really a matter of when I would come out. The idea of living in the closet was just not a livable option. I'm lucky I live in a country where it's not totally perfect but I do have options, like being able to marry a man. I would definitely not want to take a pill to make me straight. I love loving what I love.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing your journey-it really resonates. And we love what you said about not wanting to change-it’s amazing to love who and what we love, just as we are.😍

[@Carl-x8y3c]

Its easy being heterosexual. You are accepted. I have heard straight people say that they dont like gay people because we dont procreate. We dont contribute in that way to society by bringing life into the world. I am who i am , im too old to change if i was presented with a pill.

[@Iamnotxasin]

why does being gay have to be a sob story uhg ! I wish i wasn't i will take the pill

[@seto749]

Interesting that the question doesn't specify TO WHAT one's orientation would be changed. Usually the pill in question is a straight pill, but I would never have taken a bi pill either, though I can understand why some people would.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing that.🙂

[@blindOni]

People now a days make you/ guilt you into not being straight. I had an office argument with someone who I still dont view as being a good person. Essentially, to them being gay is a choice. For me, as much as I have struggled with it a lot. I remember being tortured in church and being the first at the altar when hell and brimstone sermons were given. I wished i could “turn it off” or take that pill. The argument pushed me back into being in the closet for bit. But i have been able to get myself back to accepting myself. I feel like with how Trumpian people are its getting a bit harder to maintain self acceptance