How The Friends to Lovers Trope Ruined The Gen Z Dating Scene

[@earlgaytea]

"you kinda need friends to have a 'friends to lovers' moment, bestie" i spat out my water

[@imuRgency]

sorry bestie

[@xapokalypse]

Oh so that's why it hasn't worked out for me...welp

[@darkdream1469]

@@xapokalypse 💀😂😂😂

[@theluschmaster]

you don't have friends? 😂

[@logan.saige5910]

@@theluschmaster you have friends? 😃😭

[@trinaq]

While I don't mind this Trope, I wish that more works could depict Platonic Friendships, where two people are close pals but don't show any romantic interest in each other. They can be just as rewarding as romantic relationships.

[@XxSelSelx]

Yes please! I want more friendship stories! It's just so calming for my heart to see good friendship shows.

[@StrawberrySweetart]

Me @ Miley Stewart and Oliver Oken after he found out she was hannah 😂😂 Iconic platonic friendship

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Omg yesssss I completely agree! I genuinely want to see more good friendships in media, why is that so hard!

[@Nyavonb]

Bonnie and Damon

[@stepahead5944]

THIS.

[@Lulu-hp1re]

Friends to Lovers is as least better than Adoptive Siblings to Lovers 💀

[@Lulu-hp1re]

Also how my parents met is wild; they e-dated before internet was really a thing and lived in two different continents. They didn't even see each other in person until their wedding.

[@mattiemccarthy9102]

Lol Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

[@lesbiangoddess290]

giving callie from the fosters

[@TheNicoDavis]

Woody Allen moment

[@adesiredsoundtrack3597]

@@mattiemccarthy9102 worst part is that they're first cousins too 😭

[@sknk.hunt42]

I think the biggest, if not the only, reason friends to lovers “ruined” relationships is bc ppl get into friendships expecting romance, and when it’s not mutual they get angry and cry about being “friend zoned”

[@zachbohemian]

Friend zone doesn't exist. They just don't like you

[@sknk.hunt42]

@@zachbohemian no but people call it the friend zone when someone says they aren’t romantically interested in them but would like to be friends as opposed to them not wanting to do anything with you anymore. And it just pisses me off that people get so mad and upset about the “friend zone”, when they basically misled the person into thinking that they want to be friends and then ambush them with sudden feelings, expecting them to return it, and when it doesn’t get returned they blame the person who “friend zoned” them. I don’t like the term either but that’s how most people call it

[@zachbohemian]

@@sknk.hunt42 all relationships should start at the basis of being friends anyway instead of sex being the foundation. When you hang around this person long enough and you genuinely know them, you could ask them out. If they say yes, great and if they say no, then we'll stay being friends and things can go back to normal. People put too much weight on this friendzone shit when your simply not their type. I really don't understand simping over one person when other and better people are out there

[@sknk.hunt42]

@@zachbohemian Who says that the opposite of friendship is sex? You shouldn’t pretend that your intentions are “just to be friends” when going into a friendship when you can’t take the rejection of being seen as a friend. That’s all. I never said you shouldn’t be friends with the person you’re dating.

[@zachbohemian]

@@sknk.hunt42 with any start to any relationship you gonna start off as friends anyway. Who ever can't take rejection probably shouldn't be in relationship. Sex isn't the opposite of friendship because relationship can come in many different way for example friends with benefits which for the people who don't know is "just being friends" but yall have sex. Its just not romantic

[@Thezairerouge]

I just experienced the friends-to-lovers irl and while it can be really beautiful and satisfying for two people who’ve wanted each other for a long time, you’re also seeing a different side to someone you’ve known for a long time. Seeing someone in a romantic context for the first time can open your eyes to how different they might be towards their partners. And it might open your eyes to them having potentially romanticized/idealized being with you because they’ve wanted to be with you for so long/because of the slow burn. And then when the actual union happens feelings could get hurt because, of course, you’re not just friends anymore. And sometimes people don’t treat their partners as well as they treat their friends. Sometimes when you like someone for so long you put them on this romanticized pedestal in your mind that that person actually can’t fulfill and never signed up to fulfill. If you have the opportunity to be in a friends to lovers connection I say do it. I think it’s worth a try because you and your friend probably care about each other very very much. Just be mindful to keep in consideration how your friend is a full person with different sides to them and so are you.

[@theluschmaster]

I think that only works if you met each other under a romantic guise but chose to be friends instead (at least, most of the time). There's an attraction and slowly, that attraction starts growing .. However, if you really just became friends initially, you RARELY EVER decide that hey .. maybe my friend might be an eligible bachelor ..?

[@biazaffani5675]

I just went through the same experience, and that’s exactly what happened. He idealized me so much that every little issue we had was definitive and we couldn’t keep our relationship for more than a week :/

[@Potatoes_are_great24]

@@theluschmaster not entirely true at all. My aunt and her best friend met in 5th grade. No crushes or anything, all my aunts best friend thought was how cool she was since she played basketball lol. They were inseparable but still dated guys, went on double dates, the whole nine. Then just the day my aunt left for the air force her best friend (B) actually got pretty depressed. She would come over and hangout, but she started saying something felt off. Well when my aunt came back from base she actually asked B out. This was about 11/12 years ago now and they’re married but known each other for 20+ years now. It did start platonically and ended such a great love story

[@prisle]

And then there's people like me who are so intimate with all their friends all the time that it's hard to draw a differentiation between friends and lovers 🙃 I am not sure what I'm doing wrong 🙈🙈🙈

[@empyrea_2546]

Well, after my first friends-to-lovers stint, the romanticisation is hella real. I thought I was going to be 'different' from his exes. Jokes on me though, I got the same shit treatment 🤣🤣🤣

[@kaylamoreno2647]

Other than the fact that I don’t leave or meet new people, the friends to lovers thing won’t work for me because I’m delusional and think everyone that breathes around me is in love with me 💔

[@miriam7782]

same here😭💔

[@SocarellaDeToussaint]

I think that any stranger breathing is plotting my personal destruction

[@imuRgency]

real

[@mariaskabardonis8353]

I know a dude says hi to me and I am planning our wedding lol. Just kidding but in high school and middle school I did tend to over think things

[@kaylamoreno2647]

@@imuRgency ur literally in love with me commenting on my comment like that 🤭

[@LoraK31]

Can I add that this trope can also wreck friendships? I remember this trope being shoved down our throats so much that so many of my family members assumed I liked a male friend in high school. We decided to go to homecoming as friends and I was made fun of so much for us "dating" that I kept my distance from him after that and acted so weird around him even though there was no reason to. I didn't want to date him and I was afraid that was my only option if we stayed good friends. Luckily, we have since reconnected and we are both in great relationships (and I have apologized for being the worst homecoming date ever lol).

[@squidthing]

I hate when older people do this to kids. It teaches them that you can only interact with the opposite sex romantically and being friends is "weird". I'm glad you were able to reconnect.

[@ErutaniaRose]

@@squidthing Ya. Had a professor who did this once. I was walking in the hall with her since we got lunch after our one on one studying session (I needed to catch up after being sick), and I saw an old friend from HS in the hall. So I said hi, and he said hi and complemented my shirt (It was a Legend of Zelda shirt). Then I moved on. The teacher, woman, nudged me and was like, “I think he likes you, has a little crush, Hm?” I had not seen him in 3 years and just was saying hi, he liked my shirt because we both like Zelda games. Like CALM DOWN, I told her “No, we are just friends.” It felt I icky

[@toni2309]

Funny thing is, in queer circles it is pretty common to stay friends if you end a relationship. It seems a bit of a comphet thing.

[@raan2115]

But this is not the fault of friends to lovers though, its the fault of heteronormativity that people can't possibly imagine that a man and a women can just be friends while to lesbians who are literally kissing in public are "such good friends". This is really more a homophobic thing but yeah, this is the reason why i only like gay friends to lovers stories

[@prisle]

​@@toni2309 I honestly don't even know what difference there is between friendship and romance except for, of course you agree to some level of responsibility and commitment in a relationship that is different obviously. But I kinda love all of my friends 🥺

[@yourfriendlyneighborhoodsm4708]

Saying that the friends to lovers trope ruined dating is a bit of a stretch, but it’s probably ruined a lot of friendships for sure. Because people can’t understand the difference between fiction and reality

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Omg now this is very true!!!

[@NoName-dx1no]

Tbh another problem is that people can’t distinguish feelings like lust, platonic love or romantic love, and lines between friends or lovers can get blurrier if someone is in a friends with benefits type of situation, and a lot of people are quite self obsessed especially with social media and all that so it could make them read a polite interaction as that person having a crush. Between friend groups a lot of people would ship people together or even try to convince one person to be with another just because they look good in theory, honestly there’s a lot we need to learn about love and relationships

[@georgegoldstein6749]

Yes, this has sadly happened to me, my ex and I were childhood friends to lovers and unfortunately, she really hurt me and when we broke up my whole childhood friend group split up. Some of my other friends have had similar experiences of friends to lovers and when those relationships ended it left our friend groups in really weird places; I have sadly lost a fair bit of friends not just through my own friends to lovers but through others as well. I completely understand the appeal but urge everyone not to do it unless they're really ready to commit to that person especially not in a friend group context because everyone else suffers too if things go wrong.

[@rgonzalo511]

It kinda did the number of singles is insanely high among gen z

[@umm_its_iz2514]

yeah i agree. i think it's also important to note that 'friends to lovers' isn't really a new thing.

[@caitlynford3001]

“What’s the appeal?”… friends to lovers is realistically the healthiest relationship. That’s the appeal

[@BlueberryCheesecake8]

Yeah until you break up and you literally wreck your friend group and everyone around you.

[@caitlynford3001]

@@BlueberryCheesecake8 I mean u have to be sure u actually care about them and see a long future together, and it’s not just a casual fling, otherwise it’s not actually a healthy relationship it’s toxic. The kind of people who don’t actually care about their friendship and are just like hey I think you’re cute let’s see what happens isn’t what the typical friends to lovers healthy trope is about.

[@loltrol3920]

Isn’t it how everyone finds a partner? You know, getting to know a person and develop feelings , isn’t that just how it works? I cannot imagine dating/crushing on a stranger..

[@pieofchart]

@@loltrol3920 I mean, everyone's a stranger til you get to know them. Friends to lovers refers to "person you've been friends with for a long time, eventually becomes your lover". Me and my girlfriend weren't acquainted before a common friend introduced us. We started talking a lot, became friends, and actually hit it off and we're still together 1 year later.

[@caitlynford3001]

@@loltrol3920 a lot of people just meet a stranger, go on a date, and then start a relationship. That’s the whole premise of dating apps. That doesn’t work for me either, I could never just talk to a stranger and have feelings for them immediately and start a relationship. But ALOT of people do that

[@eduardaarrais]

Honestly, irl anything that is not friends to lover just confuses me. How else do you meet your special others? Do you right away think of them in a romantic way? Do you see someone and immediately think "yeah I want to be in a relationship with them". I am confusion. I'm socially awkward and I do have a special other, and yes we started off as friends and ended dating afterwards. I can't imagine just going on a date with a random perfect with the immediate thought of getting into a relationship with them.

[@hannahmills9959]

Exactly, I don't know why people would rather date some rando who doesn't even know anything about them. Dating and romantic love is so serious to me, it's not something that should be arranged or streamlined on Tinder. It's about having a genuine emotional connection, both as friends and as lovers. I mean, why wouldn't you want your lover to be your best friend?

[@s0phia71]

i think a lot of the time people say they experience a friends to lovers trope, but in reality they have romantic feelings for eachother throughout most of the "friendship". And whether you're dating or not, have romantic feelings for a friend automatically makes that relationship different than a friendship. So a lot of people will claim to have a friends - to lovers thing, but it isn't really true.

[@aeoligarlic4024]

More like classmates to lover in my case

[@flamingo6828]

For me, I think it's part getting to know the person and you both being in the headspace to want a relationship. It's kinda like "hey, I think you're cute, we have similar values, I get along with you, I'd like to get to know you more in this romantic context." Which I think is pretty similar to when you meet someone and decide you want to be their friend so you hang out with them more and get to know them better in a platonic context.

[@martelraykin]

The idea of dating a friend feels like dating someone from my family to me. Basically I develop affection in different "routes" and friendship and dating are never on the same one. Once I've become attached to you as a friend, you're far too important to go down and then switch routes. But that may have to do with the fact that I have never been interested in romance or having a partner, the idea of someone having those kind of feelings for me creeps me out. Hence, when someone is a close friend, I rule out any possibility that they may want something else and I feel extra comfy.

[@trinaq]

I'd really like to see more Aro/Ace stories on screen, since Aromatic or Asexual characters rarely receive any representation. It would help to make Aro or Ace individuals to feel seen.

[@Starphoric]

This!! That's why I wanna try to shine the light on ace characters in my books. Sometimes a character can be by themselves if not have a close friend. Often times romance is always the "solution" to a character's problem😵‍💫

[@FIRXFLY]

Yepp, I would also love some qprs and people who are happy with their friendships that don't want romantic relationships

[@dgtor_official]

There’s an ace character in heartbreak high (2022)

[@annaloreeee]

you should probably watch bojack horseman Todd is ace!!!

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Yassss agreed 👍

[@courtneycoleman6849]

I’m a result of a friends to lover trope! && they’ve been married for 35 years 🥰 it can work, I swear my parents have the healthiest relationship I’ve ever witnessed The one thing I think I can really say I see in their relationship is that the foundation of their relationship has always been a solid genuine friendship. The love each other and they genuinely like each other

[@jiribb9300]

yeah that's not the point of the video tho. this trope can ruin so many friendships and even potential friendships. good for u tho

[@TheJulietxo]

Not all friends can be lovers but I think lovers should always be your friend, it's fundamental to have a friendship in your relationship

[@kyloh4019]

He said tropes 72 times, you’re welcome.

[@yoshified_]

i love the friends to lovers trope honestly, like it’s my favorite trope ever but the way i literally experienced one irl and that mess crashed and burned. like the break up was terrible, and since we were in the same friend group, every time we hung out, it was so not even awkward, they were just hella mean to me as if they weren’t the one that did me wrong 😭

[@georgegoldstein6749]

Oh I'm so sorry, same thing happened to me too, like she was literally sleeping around and then when we have to hangout she thinks she has the right to act like it was my fault for making things awkward because I ended it? It does get better though, I know that sucks but hoping you get through this

[@ididitoutofspite986]

I feel you. I used to be a part of this group and I've made some precious memories with them. When me and my ex broke up it was kind of awkward and most of the time I just ended up crying in someone's kitchen at 3 am or stumbling home while crying hysterically. Also, somehow everyone thought it's funny to joke about the breakup while both me and my ex where there. Got me messed up pretty badly.

[@teenielimz]

bro i lost my whole friend group cuz of my friends-to-lovers moment, and the breakup wasn't even messy lol

[@rainbowbee1383]

That happened to me too!! I don’t think enough people understand that most relationships end and when you’re friends as well it can take such a toll on you

[@speechnopinions6017]

I’m glad your experience hasn’t affected your love for the trope. Seems like a lot of people in the comments have been affected or are bitter because they’ve been done dirty by a friend who turned out to be nice guy.

[@sofiehajek7521]

Honestly friends to lovers is the only way I can imagine falling in love lol. But also I’m a lesbian so I don’t know if that alters my expectations a bit. I just can’t imagine walking into a relationship with the immediate hope of romance. Dating apps are not something I can imagine myself using. I really need time to get to know someone as an individual/friend to see if we’re right for each other. My mom always told me that once the honeymoon phase wears off, a relationship/marriage becomes more like a long-term friendship. Obviously that doesn’t mean all the romantic exchanges suddenly stop but I think there is something to what she’s saying. You need to enjoy each other’s company outside of a romantic environment

[@wintervenom]

As someone also sapphic plus introverted… I feel like it’s impossible, like I can’t develop feelings until I’ve developed emotional intimacy with someone/ am friends first but it’s so much harder with the limited pool

[@FIRXFLY]

Sometimes the couple don't have any chemistry and it feels like the writers just made them end up together because according to them, romantic relationships > platonic relationships and I absolutely hate that

[@lisah8438]

Why though? I just don't believe in love at first sight but maybe I am wrong

[@FIRXFLY]

@@lisah8438 I'm demiromatic (I don't experience romantic attraction unless I have an emotional connection with the person) so I think I can relate to not believing in love at first sight. But I also believe that platonic relationships can be just as important as romantic ones. I've seen some great friends to lovers trope but I've also seen some pretty bad ones where it just feels like they don't think that two people ending up as friends is as important as them ending up as a couple. It feels like they're making them a couple because they don't know what to do with them and that feels like they're minimizing friendships.

[@lisah8438]

@@FIRXFLY I also don't believe in love at first for people who aren't demiromantic. It is lust at first sight.

[@paulasotogomez7461]

speaking from personal experience, I just don't date people who I wouldn't be friends with first. my long term partner and I were besties before starting a romantic relationship and that time of getting to know them and realizing they were cool and them realizing I was cool was crucial, I think. 1000/10 love this trope in the media and in real life. although I've met people that started their relationships on dating apps who are so happy. also v cute, love to see love 💘

[@jessicamagri8211]

I agree with you on this. I usually have to bond with a guy first before starting a relationship, and I do think most/some strong romantic relationships have a strong “friendship” emotional base. I think those are the best kinds imo because yes, you need passion and sexual attraction for most romantic relationships, but being friends in the relationship itself also helps a lot when those are suffering a bit.

[@rose1527]

@@jessicamagri8211 me too! I’ve never dated anyone yet, but if I’m not friends with someone before I develop romantic feelings for them, I usually am very uncomfortable around them and nervous, it ruins any chance of us becoming friends, let alone dating :((.

[@homosapien7316]

Same with me. I have to be friends with a partner first or I am literally not attracted to them lol

[@ThoroughlyConfused]

My boyfriend and I actually started out as rivals because we’re both high level athletes and eventually our rivalry softened into friendship and playful competition. Then I got a concussion and he took care of me for a week and I woke up in his bed and realized he’d stayed awake all night holding me because I was having nightmares. We had to keep everything super lowkey at school because our coach super homophobic but we’d run home at lunch to make out. We wouldn’t admit that we loved each other for so long because we were just “friends” but over a year of dating later I can pretty confidently say there’s some merit to the friends to lovers trope.

[@justhere5920]

My mum and dad met at a job 26 years ago. At the time my mum had a boyfriend, they were really in love. My dad was your normal 17 year old guy with a middle part. He went out to party every weekend and had no real plan for his life. At first my mum and dad were just friends but suddenly they started getting matched at work a lot and worked togheter. Later Ive been told my grandpa who also worked there that he matched them bc he didnt like my mums ex. One day my mum and her ex broke up. And what she didnt know was that my dad had developed feelings for her. When he found out that they had broken up, he says he knew she was the one. But they kept being friends and sone best friends. The day my dad turned 18 my mum said she had a suprise and pulled him into his bedroom. Inside there was a envelope. In it she had wrote ”I like you”. 26 years later they are still togheter and had a child. The friends to lovers is really fantastic, huh? ❤

[@theluschmaster]

aaaaaaw 🥹💙

[@AranelEruvyreth]

Over half of my friends who are married now started as friends with their spouse. My parents were friends before they were married and their marriage is strong. It happens a lot in the circles I run in and my parents always held it up as the ideal. It had little to nothing to do with “tropes” and media for me and everything to do with real life experience.

[@JazzySaint]

I LOVE the childhood friends to lovers trope; I find it so sweet to watch two people grow up together in that way 😭😭 I'd definitely be down to see more childhood friends just become platonic soulmates too; that sounds super cute ☺️ I'm also kind of intrigued by the idea of the friends-with-benefits to lover trope, because navigating that kind of relationship transition tends to be really interesting!

[@dizzydee6362]

These kinds of tropes in media have made so many people want their friends to lovers moment that they'll complain about getting 'friendzoned' when the other party expresses disinterest in getting together. Is trying to get into their pants the only reason you became friends with them? Or did you genuinely want and try to build up the friendship and have the romantic aspects fall into place later on? A lot of what this trope does is cheapen the legitimacy of actual male/female friendships and further the real life belief that guys and girls can't be friends. And not to say that it can't happen at all. Having that intentionality in both characters can be a good thing, especially if they're on the same page and open to something more down the line. But having one party pine hopelessly after the other, only seeing them in a romantic light, in hopes that the other will notice them or get jealous of the other's romantic pursuits without voicing their own is so tiring. Like you're either happy and supportive of them as a good friend would and should be, or you've spent potential months getting closer to them for no reason other than being a potential partner and you're mad your efforts haven't paid off yet. And having it happen 4 out of 5 times no matter the character personalities and story beats, so much so that there's no point getting invested in the character/friendship/relationship development because you know how it'll end anyway, is so annoying! I can see it happening in an lgbt aspect, maybe, where one party comes to terms with their sexuality and finds comfort in their friend and it turns into something more. But those are so rare and drowned out it's barely a footnote in mainstream media.

[@Mndz113]

My wife and I stated as friends, then lovers, then friends/roommates again, to now being married. ❤

[@marxx5534]

As someone in a several years "friends to lovers" relationship, I can recommend. When we first met both of us never thought of each other in a romantic way nor felt any attraction. as we got closer I could definitely tell that we were super compatible and our relationship was gonna last. Crazy to think that if we went on a date as strangers we probably wouldn't have clicked. Plus, I really think that you should confess only if you really feel the other person interest. (family friends to lovers it's different, that could really be a recipe for disaster)

[@valentinatroncoso5274]

when I was a child I watched a lot of Disney and Nickelodeon, so that lead me to believe that my true love will be my male best friend. I grew up kinda expecting that all my friendship with men end up in a romance, and that never happened. I thought I was unlucky. the funny part is that I was a lesbian the whole time, and now I'm in a relationship with my best friend, so I ended up having the friends to lovers I always wanted. I love to see lgbt friends to lovers stories in media bc the lack of representation in my childhood/teen years really impacted my pov back then

[@jessicamagri8211]

YES, that happened to me too with Disney channel! I expected to become friends with a guy and fall in love with them, but not only did that NEVER happen (until end of college for me), but then I came on waaaay too strong and then they thought I was weird! It was so unrealistic and really ruined my perspective of relationships until I grew up more

[@MakiPcr]

My friend, I'm sorry, but I'm here to ruin all your favorite kid shows, because the message they were peddling is that men and women can't be friends. You sound young enough not to know about the movie When Harry Met Sally, it's a romcom and they literally say women and men can't be friends because sex gets in the way, and prove it by having the two leads end up together. Those Disney and Nick shows weren't teaching you that your best friend becoming your partner is cute, they were teaching you you can only be friends with people your own gender because otherwise you'll fall in love and your friendship will be ruined. Of course with so many Gen Zers id as queer now that clearly backfired, but the disgustingly heteronormative message was there

[@Devi_Seona]

There is quite a few things to say the least that ruined the gen z dating scene in my opinion but being friend with someone before falling for them is definitely not one of them.

[@misanthropicblackchick6092]

If anything, that would make the dating scene a little better lol

[@savstinks6847]

Agree with this

[@yakobi8434]

I guess his point was to do with expectations and fantasy

[@PrincessPinkHeart2702]

People can’t help how they feel.

[@veronicringe]

the issue is hookup culture, flings, and ulterior motives. People love to rush into relationships and don't commit to it. cheating is a huge factor as well since it's been slowly normalized by men

[@iluvhankmypup]

I’m a millennial and I’ve only ever dated people who I was friends with first. It does really come down to…leaving your house/room, saying “yes” to things, and keeping yourself open to new people and experiences. I’m pretty shy/introverted but I very rarely regret leaving my bubble.

[@PrincessPinkHeart2702]

You don’t just go up to strangers and fall in love life isn’t a Disney movie. You make friends with someone and get to know them! Thats how you fall in love!

[@R.S.B.94]

Speaking only of the fiction trope, I can't speak for real-life friends to lovers, I love it, but I think it might be too broadly applied. I feel like a lot of popular "friends to lovers" ships could fall into a second category one where at least one member of the ship went into the friendship already with feelings. Like Jim and Pam; Nick and Charlie from Heartstopper (the rare case of mutual romantic undertones); Zoey and Chase (From Zoey 101); Carly and Freddie (from ICarly); Aang and Katara... While the second category should be the more classic "real" friend to lovers where the initial goal from both parties was friendship and the feelings came later, like Monica and Chandler; Austin and Ally; Kim and Ron (From Kim Possible); Nick and Jess (from New Girl); To me, the first category is hit-and-miss, and frequently has a lot of the more "problematic" aspects of the trope, this category can be good if executed well, but it can also feed into the nice guy friends but actually wants the girl all along trope. One of the recent standouts was Heartstopper because as I mentioned earlier, both parties had some immediate romantic attraction. While the second category is the one I love, the reason I love friends to lovers, a lot of the ships that I got more emotionally invested in started out as this trope. I love this trope so much because I find it hard to get emotionally invested in a ship between a main character and a side character that is literally just in the story to be said main character's love interest. To give a few examples: Pheobe's husband from friends (I Don't even remember the name); B99 Captain Holt's Husband Kevin. I can't think of others right now. I can find these ships cute and be happy they exist or think they are good for that main character, but I can't ever build an emotional attachment to them. So I always end up shipping main characters to other main characters, which means the friends-to-lovers trope is basically my favorite trope by default. Anyway sorry for the long comment. This is my first time commenting because I'm usually too much of an anxious mess. Lol. I really love your channel.

[@jessicamagri8211]

^^this is a good analysis and I completely agree

[@speechnopinions6017]

THIS. Yes!! there’s definitely two types of friends to lovers (especially long time friends or best friends) (maybe even three types that would be the one where there’s romantic undertones from the start on both ends) and I noticed that in my own taste, I’ve usually favor type 2 (where they mutually view each other platonically at first) and I’ve noticed I’ve usually disliked type 1 (unrequited feelings) because a lot of stories I’ve seen given the person with unrequited feelings a “why not me” attitude and it’s such a major turn off 90% of the time for me. Type 2 is the best for me. I loved Kim & Ron and another favorite type 2 of mine is Ned & Moze (from Ned’s Declassified) where they were best friends for so long on the show (and childhood best friends as their backstory) until the end of s2 (3 season show) where they finally weren’t so sure if they they didn’t view each other as just friends, and the set up was so well done with the ship teasing moments before that moment. There was a few jealousy moments by the end but it made sense due to the circumstances and they just executed it well imo. So all tropes are possible to be viewed not negatively, it just depends on the execution.

[@R.S.B.94]

@@speechnopinions6017 I tend to favor type 2 as well. I remember Ned Desclassified, and your are right Ned and Moze are totally a good exemple. For me type 1 includes all romantic undertones from the start, both one sides and from both side, because like you said It not the trope but how you execute it. I have seen show with type 1 done well with either just one side or both side.

[@speechnopinions6017]

@@R.S.B.94 ya exactly! The issue isn’t type 1 of the trope itself, it’s the execution and how type 1 just happens to be a bit harder to pull off. Jim & Pam were great and a good example of how to do it right when it starts off as unrequited. I think the issue usually with type 1 is the one with unrequited feelings can come off as a nice guy/girl and have an entitled bratty attitude about it which is what turns me off 90% of the time. One type 1 I really loved was Jenna & Matt (from 13 going on 30) that one was also well done imo.

[@edksiaw]

Friends to lovers is just so BORING to me. Frankly half of the time it's clear they both like each other from the start which makes you question the legitimacy of their "friendship" because it's hard to tell how much of their actions/interactions with each other are inspired entirely by those unexplored romantic feelings as opposed to a genuine friendship. Add to that the fact that writer's these days lack appreciation for subtlety and a slow burn so you can almost always tell from like episode one of a show which of the "friends" are going to end up lovers and the transition from friend to lover happens in the span of like an episode and a half. Like sometimes just let characters be friends! I do also think it's kind of annoying the way friends to lovers sometimes cheapens the value of platonic friendships in media. Some of the most fun and interesting relationships I've watched on screen were the ones between characters who were friends, because there's something really endearing about two people choosing to maintain a connection without there being any underlying romantic or sexual feelings involved (which I think makes it easier to maintain said connection). Which is not to dismiss romantic relationships but I think there's also a serious lack of representation of people being able to have a deep connection that isn't romantic, especially between characters of the opposite gender. It just sometimes feels disappointing when the explanation for why two characters share such a deep and meaningful bond is because they (knowingly or unknowingly) had romantic feelings for each other the whole time, rather than the fact that they just had a strong bond. Platonic relationships can be just as deep, intentional, and fulfilling as romantic ones, but media's overreliance on this trope makes it feel like that's not possible and I feel like this reflects irl in the way people go about their friendships vs their romantic relationships.

[@edksiaw]

I do also question friends to lovers irl because like... are you REALLY "friends" with someone when you have underlying romantic feelings for them? Like how deeply can you connect with a person or how honest can you really get with someone when you have romantic feelings that you're not communicating with each other. Like y'all are "friends" but you're seeing red everything they try and talk through their boy troubles with you because (whether you realize or not) you're jealous, and can't give truly neutral advice. "Friends" but you're hyperaware of how they perceive you and are likely putting on a bit of a performance to seem more desirable due to those underlying romantic feelings. Like true friends to lovers feels closer to acquaintances to lovers in my mind, because how deep can a friendship really get when there are underlying romantic feelings before things start to get a bit messy. This is obviously slightly different I think from people who start off as friends then somewhere down the line they develop romantic feelings but once again, in most media we see and the way most people irl talk about it, the romantic feelings are always implied to have been there from the beginning.

[@birdiewolf3497]

I don't think this is a fair reading of the trope. The basis behind it on screen and in real life is that you build a relationship with another person without the romantic/sexual component to it. It gives people the ability to bond and connect without the expectations and roles that are attached to dating and romantic relationships. Because romance is seen as the end all be all of relationships, there's all this extra bs attached to it. Friendships are just simplier in essence. You just get to meet people where they are at and build a connection from there. As for it being seen as lazy. I don't agree. The fact is that writers need two people to have a sustained connection that justifies them being around each other, justifies the potential romantic connection, and allows the couple to further develop and bond. I mean outside of school and work, there just isn't that many spaces that forces you to be in consistent contact with other people you don't choose. Hence the friendship angle. I feel like most romantic tropes has to make a pit stop at the friends before you get to the lovers. Especially if we gonna complain about pacing. The friends portion helps slow things down. And I disagree with the idea that the trope devalues platonic relationships. Like these characters aren't only friends with each other. They have meaningful relationships with other characters. Idk, I think it just comes down to not liking a ship. Because these two friends got together, yall act like every other friendship ceases to exist. As for the problems of friends to lovers irl, well this is a very heterosexual problem. And it usually stems from misogyny. Cishet men have a hard time seeing women as full human beings. Like guys who move like that typically aren't that great at romantic relationships either. It all comes from the same place.

[@thecheshirecat9371]

@@birdiewolf3497 but the story has the premise of having romance in the end, that is the whole point of the trope

[@Inurwalls02]

THIS. ALLLL OF THIS. Put it into words ib a way I could never have myself so thank you

[@edksiaw]

@@birdiewolf3497 That's definitely fair, re: the basis being that you build a relationship with another person first before the romantic component develops, but my point is majority of the time (at least in my experience) the romantic tension is usually somewhat present from the start or early on in the friendship. The way writers write these shows you can usually tell exactly who are going to end up together fairly early on in the show which is what makes it boring and cheapens the platonic connection they have. I definitely do still think it's a bit lazy, specifically due to it's prevalence in media. I think it takes a lot more creativity to write a genuinely engaging relationship between people with no romantic/sexual attraction, especially when it comes to teen/young adult media. It's also just *personally* more interesting and engaging. Obviously I get it being easier to have the characters in each others lives by being friends, but that's why I said in my reply, friends to lovers seems to only make sense when its closer to like "acquaintance-to-lover". You're still able to maintain that excuse for interactions without getting into what I feel (at least irl) can be a murky place when you're friends with budding romantic feelings. I'm not saying friends-to-lovers on it's own inherently devalues platonic relationships, I'm saying the way it's presented and how often it's presented does that. Because 9 times out of 10, the friendships on shows are never the relationships we're meant to really care about or be invested in. These characters will have other friendships that are simply not as developed and are written to not have as strong of a priority in their lives as the romantic relationships they have. Like if you watch a lot of classic teen shows, it's almost hilarious to watch how everyone in the so called "friend group" has basically dated each other at some point in it. Because the writers simply are not taking the time to build up genuinely interesting and meaningful friendships, but focus solely on the romantic ones. So it becomes SO incredibly annoying when you're watching a show and it seems like for once they're finally focusing on the chemistry and connection between two friends but then, surprise surprise, they actually start dating. Because, once again, what that does is somewhat imply that the earlier connection we witnessed was due to an underlying romance that the two characters were not aware of, and makes it seem like romantic relationships are the ONLY place where you can get that level of connection.

[@lydiawalker0714]

I don't consume a lot of friends to lovers media (I'm a fake dating and second chance romance girly), but I feel like that would be easier for me irl. Any time a guy tries to approach me romantically I automatically say no because too many men have been inappropriate right away. A friend will have a better chance because I know he'll be interested in me as a person first.

[@garfieldfan77]

You make a good point! :) also I've started enjoying the fake dating trope lol, do you have any recommendations with this trope?

[@lydiawalker0714]

​@@garfieldfan77 To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han, Rent a Boyfriend by Gloria Chao, and Dating Makes Perfect by Pintip Dunn are some of my favorite fake dating books.

[@garfieldfan77]

@@lydiawalker0714 Tysm

[@elliehernandez5073]

We need more lovers to friends tropes cause the amount of friends I’ve made cause we went on a tinder date but felt more like friends is crazy

[@odd__piko6246]

THIS COMMENT. SAME

[@jordanbrown3887]

I feel like lovers to friends is waaaaaay more common in my life!! Lovers to friends feels dangerous because losing a friend is worse than losing a lover in my mind.

[@Spidercake54]

@@jordanbrown3887no tf it is not wtf is wrong with y’all 😂😂😂 stop investing so much in a damn friendship y’all naive children

[@ulizez89]

Legit, and as an adult.... making new friends is really hard, so most of my new social interaction are first dates.

[@CaspiDrako]

I find it sorta funny cuz I'm demiace so literally friends to lovers is all I can do. I literally dont feel sexual attraction unless there's already a strong bond. The friends to lovers trope is literally my sexuality, but I definitely understand what you're saying. I also want to add something. When I come out as demisexual to people, a common thing people say is "that's how everyone is like" and I think the popularity of the friends to lovers trope adds to that problem in a way.

[@zey7455]

same same same same

[@mihika152]

yes yes yes i was looking for a comment like this

[@luckymagethaumia94]

Ugh finally... I was wondering when someone would say it

[@CoraMaria]

My relationship was pretty much strangers-to-lovers-to-friends-to-lovers-to-friends-to-lovers. I really treasure the fact that after the first break-up, my partner and I simply let our relationship be whatever we needed it to be. We got swept up in the romance stuff at first and focused on building a friendship with no intention of dating again, so when we got back together... it was completely natural, and we had a better idea of what we wanted and where to set our expectations. For me, meeting someone and entering a relationship with them would be less than a week apart, and that's what it's like for most people I know too. While it's realistic, it doesn't really make for the most entertaining story. Friends to lovers gives room for that kind of slowburn. Getting to a point where you would call someone your friend takes time, but getting to a point where you'd call someone your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner doesn't usually take long. It can, but it doesn't have to.

[@cristenkray5192]

Friends to lovers is just the “nice guys” or “not like other girls” producers at a film studio projecting their high-school/college insecurities and entitlements onto us impressionable youth. I really dislike how people never seem to bring up how a lot of the “friends to lovers” type romances are based around underlying motives and the idea that you just have to wait and “they’ll come around” as if being friends with someone entitles you to them as a romantic/sexual partner. I fr hate the “they were in front of me this whole time” type mess bc it implies that you either owe them your commitment OR that you’re incapable of knowing what you want and aren’t able to achieve that on your own time and outside of your sphere. Like OOOOOHH DONT PISS ME OFF --- Edit--- I don’t hate friends-to-lovers as a trope as long as it’s done RIGHT! There are wonderful friends-to-lovers stories that I giggle & kick my feet over and whatever. You don’t have to defend your love of it to me, I’m not shaming anyone for loving friends-to-lovers! I love it too, I just need it to be based in mutual respect and balance! Again, I’m mostly concerned with a lot of the imbalance and systemic implications that this trope has been saturated with, and it’s not as if I’m the only one who’s recognized these issues! It’s so gross to me too, bc I’ve been hearing more and more ppl talk about only being friends with someone bc they wanna get with them??? Like what in the fresh hell does that even mean?? Where does that make sense?! Feigning an entire friendship with someone just so you can get with them or whatever is actually disgusting and it’s all the more reason we need to have these discussions. Something else I don’t think I mentioned as well is the heavy manipulation that comes into play very often with this trope. Like, when the best friend begins to be super distant or withhold information from the friend they’re supposedly in love with, just bc they’re butthurt. Or when they actively sabotage the protagonist or even the protagonist’s other relationships. It has a habit of giving “if I can’t have you, you can’t be happy with someone else,” and it makes me angry just how much this actually happens to people in real life. Another weird one is when they’re just waiting for a relationship their friend is already in to fall apart/ waiting for the partner to fck up- so that they can comfort their friend & be all gross. Having a crush on your friend doesn’t mean you’re on deck to be up next whenever a relationship they’re in w someone else ends. Like, “I’d never do that to you,” “You deserve someone who will do xyz like I do,” is giving very much Jabob from Twilight and we all know how awful he is (the entire franchise is awful bc fck Stephanie). I feel like an example of a show/movie I found a major problem with was in Zoey 101. I know for some reason so many people wanted Chase and Zoey together, but I found a lot of Chase’s behavior incredibly manipulative and sometimes downright violating (I.e. the time capsule episode where he DUG UP the entire project bc he wanted to watch Zoey’s video?!)… I don’t hate Chase as a character, I just think ppl didn’t always pay enough attention to some of the bad stuff he did bc he wanted to be w Zoey.

[@squidwardtentacles7144]

I like your take on this! That element has definitely been prevalent in alot of friends to lovers depictions.

[@sabahk]

exactly. you should NOT be friends with someone if you're secretly hoping to date them. Maybe for a few months, but after a certain point you should either make your feelings known or accept the friendship. There's a difference between actual friends slowly falling for each other vs one is just secretly pining for the other one throughout the whole friendship with the expectation that she'll change her mind

[@lisah8438]

In my opinion that is the only way to fall in love. Unless you believe in lust at first sight.

[@kjarakravik4837]

@@lisah8438 But that's what dating's for? My grandparents were introduced to eachother by friends, immediately started dating, then slowly fell in love after a few months. Like that's how most ppl i know fell in love wdym it isn't real??

[@umm_its_iz2514]

what would be a better way to start dating someone while still remaining safe then?

[@gabrielleduplessis7388]

Why I love it: My family lives and breathes it. A lot of their stories start with “we were friends first”. Not with all friends, but if you are lucky to have this one great friend that you love to death and trust and respect, it is nice to fall in love with this person. I think some of my favorite versions are the slow burn ones. They take time to grow and progress and realize this is the person they want.

[@dinosaurio777]

I find this interesting as it's often more complex than the enemies to loves trope, but I agree with your message (I'm also very early, hi!)

[@marleyhernandez3416]

I feel so guilty because I LOVE the tension and build up that comes with friends to lovers, but I am also aro and understand that it makes people believe that people can't just be friends 😭😭

[@idkanymore12]

THIS😭😭😭😭 i’m aroace and while i totally understand the criticism behind the trope and personally wouldn’t want it to happen irl, i just LOVE it so much. it’s easily one of my favourite tropes

[@Zullala]

I actually hate how common this is. I just want to see more best friend representation haha. I'll be watching a show and be really into the character's friendship and then *BOOM* they start making out... It's just disappointing when it happens over and over again.

[@veronicringe]

especially when sometimes it feels super forced

[@s0lar.jpg_]

yeah agree

[@Ash_jade25]

I think a big reason why this trope is so popular, specifically in tv, is because it’s easier. If they want a character to fall in love in a later season they either have to introduce a completely knew character or use one they already have and most of the time that one that they already have is gonna somehow be friends with the main character. For example in outer banks jj and kiara are going down the friends to lovers route, but realistically there was no other way for them to do that unless they had them be enemies or just made them never interact. Tbh I think In most tv shows the only way to avoid friends to lovers is to introduce a character in a later season .

[@ToplessTopics]

I'm an elder millenial, not gen z, and it regularly pisses me off to see the same toxic tropes from the movies -I- grew up with (inherited from Gen x, you might say) carry on even today. One of the recent examples that immediately comes to mind--Tall Girl *vomit*. The short annoying "friend" repeatedly keeps asking her out after she's repeatedly said no, shits all over the guy she DOES show interest in, and CARRIES A MILK CRATE AROUND IN CASE SHE KISSES HIM SOMEDAY because his pride is literally that fragile?? And yet whole new generations of teens watch that and it makes me totally wretch?

[@birdygal6945]

I had a friends to lovers situation that turned into marriage 👀 he was my friends brother and then we became friends and naturally clicked ! My advice is to ask your friends if they have a sibling 😂

[@taraedge]

Honestly I personally don’t like the friends to lovers trope in real life. With people you’ve known for a long time it’s weird to get to see them in an intimate way. Like there have been boundaries before and now you know what all of them looks like. It’s odd. Also you’ve seen them with other partners and in other relationships and that may not be what you want for yourself. I think I prefer finding someone outside of my circle of friends since i find it more exciting to get to know someone from scratch.

[@TalaWolf95]

I'm on the ace spectrum, possibly demi but still not totally sure, as well as being neurodivergent. It's always friends to lovers for me. I tried the intentional dating thing. I panicked so much and it was such a stressful experience. I malfunctioned. I've had fewer relationships than most people my age, but they have generally been good ones that last multiple happy years. My partner and I were coworkers who became friends and started hanging out outside of work, first in groups of fellow coworkers, then just the two of us together as we became closer. The tension of attraction between friends as you try to figure out if your feelings are reciprocated and the thrill when a move is made is SO GOOD. It's the good butterflies, whereas going on dates with people from apps was the bad butterflies.

[@cherstuff20]

I think humans have had a lot of trouble with relationships in general. We rarely show after a relationship changes (marriage, friend-to-lovers) the work that's still needed to maintain a relationship. Plus so many cultures have relied on people just fitting a "role". We need variety in our depiction of relationships.

[@w87g8765]

The problem is not friends to lovers. It's people who have first sight initiation on whether how the other person looks or their shape then wanting to be friend while expecting something in return.

[@alexstattion6927]

The only trepidation I have with the whole trope is the focus on the 'friendzone'and the sense of entitlement to relationships that is pretty prevalent in incel/nice guy spheres. It becomes pretty harmful/toxic, especially when the trope is seen as the 'easier' way of getting into a relationship. Seems to me that FTL is being co-opted way more often by people who have every intention of getting to the lovers part and ignoring the friend part.

[@zoeg.2203]

"I don't know Gerald! I didn't set the system up!" (9:36) I cracked XD

[@XxSelSelx]

I like Friends to lovers like Kim and Ron - In shows it's cute. But in Real Life it always sucked when a friend of mine (usually a best friend) told me he had feelings for me - it always ended in losing a friend. 🙄😒But in tv shows and movies I still like it - like Phineas and Isabella ^^ And I think you should split this trope in: "one of the two always had a crush on the other person" and "both are friends and develop feelings for each other at the same time (+/-)" 🤔I think they are kinda different.

[@speechnopinions6017]

I feel like I’ve always liked the type where both start off viewing each other platonically and realize around the same time that they are attracted to each other or have developed feelings. The other type of having one end have unrequited feelings at first, is usually a hit or miss.

[@BlueBlazeKing]

@@speechnopinions6017True because neither Kim or Ron initial see each other as a romantic option, in a sense they see each other as practically siblings. But as the series went on you could sense something is brewing but it’s not exactly clear to either one

[@MrisaVigil]

Phineas and Isabella is still a really cute couple, but she obsessed over him for years, and he one day just said "okay I like you now!" Because it's a cartoon. That cannot and SHOULD not happen in real life...

[@XxSelSelx]

@@MrisaVigil He actually started to like her in high school...but she kinda gave up by then - and they realized they both liked each other when they started to go to university (phineas friends told him). - so it wasn't really a "okey I like you now" moment. but yeah you're right that this should not happen in real life.

[@MakiPcr]

I am still angry Kim and Ron became a couple in Kim Possible. I'm a millennial so I was older and more critical than the target audience, so I didn't see it as a cute thing, but as a rejection of platonic m/f friendship; looking at the comments I can tell many of you didn't grow up with the "men and women can't be friends" I did, so I hate platonic straight friends becoming a couple (Phineas and Isabella doesn't count because she had a crush on him since the beginning, they were never platonic); straight men and women can be just friends and it's not weird

[@queenkenya2634]

I have so many friends obsessed with this trope but all it does is perpetrate the stereotype that men and women can't be friends and I'm sick of being shipped with my male friends

[@ferret_dum]

as someone who just got out of an actual friends to lovers relationship, it really does save disappointment especially if u know the other person well before hand and its easier to adjust to being just friends again if things dont work out, i can see why its not for everyone tho bc it could potentially ruin the friendship, it has for one of my other friends who dated her best friend and they are on bad terms, and mine was almost ruined until we just spoke stuff through a bit and now we're good

[@ardensawyer9408]

i like the friends to lovers trope when there is romantic tension written in from the start like in heartstopper. but it honestly creeped me out that the writers decided to make kim possible and ron date after them acting like siblings for 500 seasons i hated that

[@lisah8438]

I can't fall in love with someone unless I know them. I am sorry. No I am not demiromantic. No one tells you how to fall in love. You cant just meet someone and be like "I want to date you". For me that is impossible. There is no such thing as love at first sight. I personally believe it is impossible to fall in love with someone without being friends first or at least aquantances. Change my mind.

[@rgonzalo511]

Your in the minority(not that that's a bad thing)actually most people know they like someone within seconds of meeting them. Friends to lover is a lot more rare irl

[@lisah8438]

@@rgonzalo511 Love at first sight isn't real. It is also a dumb movie trope. It is more like Lust at first sight. Disney movies damaged our brain. You can be infatuated but love. No wonder people be divorcing. Y'all get into relationships based on lust.

[@rgonzalo511]

@@lisah8438 If there's no lust there's no romance. Whether you like it or not, sex is a very important factor in relationship satisfaction. A very common reason too end a relationships is bad sex. Also you can tell a lot about a person within seconds of meeting them, your brain picks up on thousands of both big and little cues about the person, and let's you get a pretty accurate feel for who the person is, pretty cool right

[@lisah8438]

@@rgonzalo511 What about asexuality? Plus I am not talking about attraction. You have to be attracted to a partner to want to be with them that is what draws you to them but that is not a good foundation. You can be attracted to that person all you want but that person can still be a bad fit for you or a bad person. The bottom thing is not true. Love at first sight is not real. We need to stop believing that because the love at first sight myth leads to unhappy marriages. You have to get to know a person to know if you want to be with them.

[@toni2309]

I'm having the same experience. I'm not really demiromantic or demisexual, I do feel attraction to people off the bat, but it just doesn't really make me want to date them or sth, like to really want to be close to a person there needs to be some chemistry and connection because otherwise it's not enjoyable in real life.

[@ameliasellers6396]

I'm currently dating someone who I was originally friends with (and I still consider one of my closest friends) and it's a vibe, honestly. I don't think I've ever been so compatible with someone until now, and I'm super excited to experience all sorts of new things with them. I never thought I would end up dating someone at such a young age, and especially not someone I've been friends with for so long. But here I am.

[@caitlina5776]

When friends to lovers and enemies to lovers are the favorite tropes, we really have to realize that our actual relationships will probably not reflect that

[@toni2309]

Well, I for my part would rather have no lover then 🤷‍♂️

[@possummagic3571]

​@@toni2309 "If I don't have the exact kind relationships that I i want, then I want to stay single" 😂😂 This is why our generation will remain forever alone.

[@erinsbooks]

I have had friends to lovers with my college boyfriend and I've seen a three sets of my friends turn lovers and yes, I also like that in my media as well. Can't help it.

[@emilionorman03]

As someone who is demiromantic, being friends with someone is the only way for me to develop romantic feelings for them. Which is a pain, because I have lost friends bc of it in the past. But dating someone straight away never works for me cos I just end up not developing any romantic feelings for them and feeling guilty abt at. So yeah. It's a pain

[@chloecat08]

as a possible aro/ace person, growing up i never got the friends to lovers trope. before i started questioning why i felt this way, i would always be so confused why people might fall for their friend. in my mind my friends were my friends and nothing more. when my friends started dating each other/talked about their fav friends to lover ships, i couldn’t fathom why lol. i always gravitated toward the enemies to lovers or forced approximation. sorry for the long comment but i wanted to see if others felt the same about slow burn and or friends to lovers lol Cool video btw! never seen anyone talk about this surprisingly

[@rainbowbarfeverywhere]

For a long time, the friends-to-lovers trope was my favorite in media and relationships. But as I really started exploring my identity (aroace) and my relationship with romance in media, I've become more and more aware of how the idea of intimacy and relationships are skewed. This is not the fault of the friends-to-lovers trope, but it is a byproduct of it. It's been hammered into our heads that being intimate and vulnerable with someone will inevitably lead to romantic and sexual feelings. Chemistry between people automatically means romantic chemistry or will lead TO it. When we see two people being very close and open to each other, they become a ship even if they don't end up together in the actual story. And I'm a big shipper, I love thinking how characters would be like if they were in a relationship with each other. But then there becomes the expectation that if you get close enough with someone whose gender you're attracted to (and even if you're not), then becoming partners must be on the table. It can be an expectation you have for yourself, or the other person has, or worse, the people around you has imposed on you.

[@onemoretime2095]

I have never related more to a video. My ideal situation to find a boyfriend is friends to lovers, which is incredibly difficult since I'm not friends with any single men that like women lol. It's hard as hell to meet people in general that isn't through a dating app or work, but I work with mostly married people above the age of 35 so the workplace is not the place for me lol. I feel like social media creates the illusion that everyone has a partner which is only confirmed by the last time I went to a party, everyone there was already in a relationship or not the type of person I am interested in. I would love to get to know people first before dating but dating apps create that situation that you are actively seeking a romantic connection with someone, which makes it hard to actually be friends after if it doesn't work out or to extend the "talking"/friend stage. I've been on dates where I felt like we would be better as friends but the situation that we met on an app makes it somewhat awkward and I never end up contacting the person after, especially since they usually find a partner later and by then, isn't really looking to be friends. I would love a meet-cute but even if I do purposely leave my room there is a huge lack of places to meet people that isn't a grocery store, mall, or restaurant. idk dating is weird and I'm starting to think that my own company and investing more time in my friends has made me more happy. but when your friends start a new relationship, your friendship will no longer be as important. i totally get it but damn, maybe society isn't meant for someone like me who doesn't want to participate in this anymore. i don't ever want to change my standards but i'm starting to think the only way nowadays is by sliding into someone's dms or joining the endless dating app cycle.

[@elimo3901]

I feel you. Try something new, like I will attend this dating event where you are a group just hanging out to see if anyone catches your eye over the course of the evening. Maybe google it in your area, it's for all ages and they put you in a category in the same age group.

[@toni2309]

I feel the absolute same way. Truth is, as a gay transmasc, people who would match my sexuality tend to be...rather rare. But I just don't see dating apps working for me, and I'm also thinking to just focus on hobbies, friends, all other life stuff. I always feel like dating apps create so much pressure to know if I want to date someone, but I don't know that person, and I need to get to know them to know if I have romantic feelings. But then with the pressure to be romantic, I just don't feel the same freedom to get to know someone platonically.

[@sosoadja7663]

​@@toni2309 honestly focusing on friendship and hobbies will make you more happy. And if you want to meet people, try to find club of things you like because the people you will meet there are not there for friendship but to have fun.

[@toni2309]

@@sosoadja7663 Truth is, I kinda don't want to meet new people, but I still to have someone to cuddle and kiss and love and enjoy time together and have deep talks with. I know, it's a me problem.

[@sosoadja7663]

@@toni2309 I'm a lonely person so I understand that you don't want to meet people. Generally, I try to find activities that I like to go to and I tell myself: if I find people there who I like talking to, I try to spend more time with them and if I like no one I stay alone and I'm just there for the activity. PS: Sorry for my language, I'm not a native english speaker.

[@stargirl11zz]

i actually agree with these cause sometimes ppl just jump into relationships not fully knowing the person ir just dating them bc of their idealized version of them so how could you date someone if you dont even know if you would be friend with them?

[@DeanithForeverYoung]

Flashback to summer when I confessed my feelings to my friend and he told me to get a hobby and get over it and then ended up blocking me and disappearing. 🙃

[@Sunnyland8]

I’ve always hated the friends to lovers trope. Probably because I’m a woman who grew up with a lot of guy friends and them confessing their feelings for me was my worst nightmare

[@PrincessPinkHeart2702]

Well how do you expect to fall in love?

[@milandrea_]

I'm lucky to have this trope in my life, but at one point I forgot about our friendship and just went with the romance. GUYS. If you wanna have this trope forever or at least a long time, DO NOT FORGET ABOUT THE FRIENDSHIP. I´m also lucky to be recovering my relationship with my best friend :)

[@DMMA0726]

I have to say as someone not Gen Z having been exposed to this one of the best lessons I learned was the reality: you can be friends with someone, be attracted to them, and learn to accept and value their friendship as it is. No awkwardness. No friend zones. No yearning. No friends to lovers. Friends to chosen fam, and stay there. And learning you don't have to act on every attraction or impulse and valuing friendship for what it is.

[@bobatealily]

This video is so eye-opening. I agree, us Gen Z...we do suck at dating because many popular dating apps like OKCupid and Tinder are made for Millennials when they first launched. I was 5 years old when OKCupid first launched. 13 years old when Tinder launched. I'm not surprised such a trope that's not problematic has been misconstrued, bastardized, and oversimplified in the media. Just like any harmless trope, it can be done wrong. Friends to Lovers trope done wrong (if it involves 2 ppl of the opposite sex who are straight) can imply that men and women cannot be platonic friends and that platonic friends who are of the opposite sex should go out whether they like it or not. I'm a heterosexual woman and I'm willing to befriend anybody regardless of gender, other women, men, and nonbinaries. Not to mention, some people would only befriend certain people bc they were attracted to them (usually physically) from the beginning which is not a smart move. On paper, it seems good but when actually executed, it's careless. I think a friends to lovers moment done right IRL is when the two friends don't even expect to fall for each other at all and their initial intention is just to find a new friend. The romantic love just comes naturally like it's supposed to. Don't find love, it finds you.

[@mag-narwhal]

Honestly the internet has made my self respect high and my standards higher. Dateing my friends might be my only option because I can very easily hate people. I'd rather die alone then date someone that isn't perfect.

[@nayjeelahhall240]

My boyfriend and I was just talking about something like this! We are both gen z 24 & 25. We work coworkers first, then friends, now we’ve been together for 3.5 years lol

[@clairesaysyes3063]

I really like this trope personally I think it’s really cute buttttt I also think we need to see more platonic friends especially between male/female because just because you two are friends does not mean you have to like eachother. It can happen and it does happen but not always. Also I think friends to lovers can be a little weird when one person has feelings from the start and becomes friends w the other so they can date them instead of just actually wanting to be friends. Idk I had my own friends to lovers experience and it was really fun we took our time and it worked out for awhile and then we broke up and have remained friends solely because we were friends first. I think it depends on the circumstance and and who the people are but it can be great!

[@TheLostAirbender]

Omg I'm a millennial and this still hit 😭 I've gotten so stressed out just with how when I meet up with someone from one of these apps, I'm concerned that they'll go faster than I'm ready for. And a huge part of that is due to me being a friends-to-lovers stan 😭. This video is too real

[@sulfur9915]

My partner and I have one of the strangest friends to lovers stories, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I never knew it was possible to feel so safe with another person and trust them so completely

[@lesbean389]

In heart stopper charlie already had a crush and in the comics nick did too. They were friends bc they didn't know they could be more. Also you need the foundation of pre-established chemistry

[@chickenelafsworld7105]

As a gen z aro/ace person, friends to lovers has always felt so weird. Like I could always deal with other romances because they felt removed from me- love at first sight, soulmates, or enemies to lovers, all of them were fantasies. I knew I would almost never be in a situation with it. But with friends to lovers I became more afraid that a friend would feel romantic towards me because I *did* have friends but I *didn’t* have crushes etc. to start the other ones. I watched Kim Possible growing up and that was one of the most clear examples from my childhood, because I never came close to shipping them since they felt like me and my friends. It was frustrating when they got together because I would never want that and I couldn’t understand why they would ever want to be more than friends.

[@maximilianocisneros2102]

I really don’t like that, my first relationship was a friends to lover story and it was messy. Because, for me, is hard to reconnect with that person and everything Can feel weird and takes time to be on better therms with the person

[@Patchouliprince]

My husband and I are best friends, but we never had an exclusively friends stage of our relationship. Friends to lovers is cute! But don’t sweat it if you can’t achieve that because you can still be friends with your lovers lol

[@PrincessPinkHeart2702]

You start off as friends because you aren’t in love before. You don’t Commit to someone you just met.

[@Patchouliprince]

@@PrincessPinkHeart2702 Lol what?? Did you reply to me my mistake because you seem to be having an unrelated conversation

[@zoemakespans]

i prefer acquaintance to lovers in real life because i think its healthy to have male friends who dont blur the line. i build a lot of trust in men who i know are not with me solely to date, but because we care about each other. essentially i would not mind starting off as friends, but i prefer not to date close friends. i think its healthy to have space between people seen as romantic or as platonic

[@adamivna]

I wanted to have friends to lovers, but instead I have we haven't talked to each other in months

[@Matty002]

whats ironic is if you want the 'friends to lovers' experience, you cant actively do it. thats just dating. its by accident as a rule, so youll never be able to experience it if youre searching for it. thats why its rare

[@rzuue]

My cousin literally lived the childhood friends to lovers thing. They had a picture of them going to preschool together on the front of the invitation cards to their wedding.

[@kapokikkodragneel1505]

As a 19 year old who has never been in a relationship and has been on 2 dates total in my life. In my head lovers and friendships aren't inherently different. I see having an actual relationship as a very intens friendship with more physicality on top. That's just how it is in my head right now. Friendship comes before anything for me. I want to be friends with people more than I want a relationship. When I think about it, there are some of my guy friends that if they ever would want to explore being more than friends with me, I'd definitely be open to it. My closest friends are like this. If I'm not comfortable with people, I don't get close to them in the first place. Of course there are people that I want to persue, but even then in my head friendship is the first and most important thing. I am very emotionally attached to them, and it makes me feel bad when they persue someone else, because that means they obviously don't like me that much, but at the same time I'm perfectly happy being friends with them. I don't nescessarily need more than that intens friendship, but it needs to be mutual and the only way to get that across is to be in a relationship. Then you commit to eachother. Then you say that you guys are the most important people to eachother. Ya know. I don't know how commong this view is, I do know that I've had 2 discussions about it and both those people saw friendship and love as 2 fundamentally different things. Which still confuses me but aight.

[@toni2309]

I feel similarly. I can't even discern romantic feelings from platonic ones completely, but I also feel very uncomfortable being romantic without having a platonic foundation.

[@cool6511]

I’m demi romantic so “friends to lovers” is the only way I can fall in love lol. I have to know someone with a super long time, and be incredibly close.

[@rgonzalo511]

Then loneliness awaits you, super limiting for no reason

[@shroomy_]

eyy a fellow demi-romantic , i feel the same way

[@rgonzalo511]

@Subi What I mean is that, that strategy is super high risk cause if it takes huge chunks of your life knowing someone before you make it official then what happens if the relationship ends. Are you gonna have another decade or however long it took, to waste

[@cool6511]

@@rgonzalo511 This isn’t a strategy. Yes, being demi romantic can be very inconvenient, but having a close bond is the only way for me to actually feel something more than platonic love.

[@StarJester]

@@rgonzalo511 bro its a sexuality not a strategy💀

[@ruth2109]

I had a 'friends to lovers moment' in real life. My last relationship was with a guy I befriended while we both worked in a popular bar. When we met, I was 21 and he was 26. For three years, we dated other people off and on, shared our horror stories, gave each other advice, and partied a lot. We got super close during this time. When I was 24 and he was 29, we started dating, and everything changed. Since he was getting close to 30, he decided his party days were behind him, and started getting mad at me for going out with my friends all the time. His expectations for me as a girlfriend were completely different than they were for a friend. He was so traditional, turns out, with his partners. We broke up after three tough years of terrible cognitive dissonance. No matter how much we loved each other, I couldn't be the person he wanted, and vice versa.

[@aubreewithaextrae]

i haven't watched this video yet but i will definitely say that this trope definitely had an impact on me and the way i viewed love and relationships that i'm kind of trying to get out of and change. guess i'm not alone with this

[@thatgamer7046]

i had my friends to lovers moment. she was literally my best friend, and i was only planning on being her friend at first, but things changed and feelings were developed. idk what it was about that first week but it just felt like magical, then things went downhill. i started acting up and doing things that annoyed her when we were just friends, and i said i would change but she wasn’t buying it. after a while she said that we “worked better as friends” and decided to stay as that. since then she hasnt talked to me almost at all, and i cant help but feel like i’ll never get a chance to have something like that ever again.

[@davxmb]

“me and these four walls 😭🤞” 12:12

[@autumngafforio]

im personally biased to this trope because my boyfriend and i were friends in high school, then started dating our junior year of high school and we're still together. so the friends to lovers trope is very alive for me in my real life

[@LKelz]

Well … we all want the friends to lover because … how am I suppose to love a stranger ? Like without being friends at first ? Like we don’t just find a random person and decided to date them for no reason … that’s weird Friends to lovers makes sense .

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

It’s literally my favorite trope to read, but I’m a straight woman who ONLY desires deep, intense friendship with other women. And so far, my one and only friend is a straight woman, too. This is all to say: I read for pleasure, not bc I want my life to look like the books and movies I consume; truth be told, I read wild -ish.

[@caradetu]

I’m demi so… ye, i can only have a friends to lovers lol Tho i hate how that trope has made it so hard for me to be friends with people of the opposite gender (and just the opposite gender), because my brain is like wired to think romantically, even if I do not like them romantically. It’s weird, like I have no interest in them, but my brain is automatically like dating them is a possibility. It double sucks now that i have a bf and I love him, but my brain still does it, and I feel bad about it and I don’t want it to be that way. I wanna be friends with everyone and have it not be weird.

[@bigooft9521]

This is so interesting because it's not been my experience at all! I'm mid-20s so an old gen-z, but all my relationships since I was 18 (and there's been a fair few) have all been friends-to-lovers, or at least 'irl acquaintances to lovers'. I'm also still friends with all but one of my exes, and even with him we're on friendly terms and never really had a 'friendship group crash and burn' situation? Although that might be because I do def have very separate groups of friends in different parts of my life. In fairness, I have also avoided apps aside from a six month period when I had just turned 18, so that's not really nor ever has really been a factor in my dating life. But that's partly because I realised very quickly that (although I really like myself and think I'm charming in my own way, and evidently a fair few other people do too), I am not the kind of person who does well on dating apps 😅

[@omytouma6235]

Friends to lovers is a good, maybe even great trope if nobody got hurt in the process. What makes me mad about it is that most of the time, they emotionally (SOMETIMES EVEN PHYSICALLY) cheat on their current partner with their "friend". And it is severely downplayed just because "it is a cute trope" and "they were always meant to be" A good example of it being done right is Heartstoppers. Bad is (controversial) The Office with Jim & Pam

[@MaeelJ]

I did this once, we were friends for 7 years, then we dated for like 2 months, it didn't work out, and now I just miss our friendship since things understandably did not just go back to normal after we broke up. So now a year later I've got a big crush on another one of my friends and I just absolutely refuse to tell him or do anything about it because I don't want to just lose one of my closest friends like last time.

[@adeline168]

I got told my partner and I were living in a fanfiction and they were totally right and it hurts. Childhood best friends to lovers, only one bed, huddling for warmth, it's terrible and hilarious.

[@LeeTan141]

I’m the opposite, I can’t imagine this trope ever working for me. If I am friends with you that means there’s no sexual attraction between us. I can’t imagine myself wanting anything else with my closest friends, it’s two very separate things for me. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting to know each other because you’re interested in potentially dating them. That means you look at things that matter in relationships and see if your values align. I have zero friends around me who are in a long term relationship but started off as friends. A lot of them went on dates and got to know each other before committing, but there was always that interest, they were never “just friends”. Also tbh the idea that one of my friends might in five years just fall in love with me makes me super uncomfortable. Because it means either they knew or were hiding, or suddenly they see me as something different and our friendship can’t continue as it was.

[@_finsta.party._1188]

As a friends to lovers gurlie both in real life and avid reader 🤭🤭 I've been besties with this girl since my 2nd year of highschool (so basically 4 years now and we've been dating for almost 2now and honestly it's the healthiest relationship I've been in so I see why the trope thrives so much

[@CrepuscularQueen]

This is off topic from the main video but your laugh is so sweet! It's just so comforting and made me so happy to listen to throughout the video

[@danitori3452]

I admit when I was in hs I dated this guy just bc he was my friend and I had this idea that friends were supposed to develop into lovers, not because I actually liked him, and it was one of the worst decisions I ever made in hs. It ruined our friendship and ended up causing a lot of humiliation. Glad I made that mistake early though, bc it taught me never to date someone unless you truly like them.

[@rgonzalo511]

Why would you think your friends are for dating that's so weirdly specific and strange

[@danitori3452]

@@rgonzalo511 because there was this trope on tv that your best friend would become your lover so I did it because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do idk how to explain it better than that

[@kphoria1009]

i think this trope also makes it hard to have platonic friendships because everyone just wants to become lovers and it’s harder to find organic friendships, and it hurts when someone who you’ve been interested in for a while isn’t into you, because we think that is the step after friends, when really romantic attraction isn’t a guarantee

[@rec8127]

m/f friendships (that stay platonic) ftw!