Is Narcissism Mostly Unconscious?

[@dragonmom495]

They know how to act in public. They can control it very very well. Know exactly what they are up to.

[@spaideman7850]

In public eyes narc are the most pity, most holy, most misunderstood creature bullied by by others. Those who really know them will shun them like ghost.

[@andrewsmith3257]

​@@spaideman7850 living with one. They are antagonistic demons in most cases

[@nancykaczmarz8874]

Dr Jackie mr hyde!

[@deborahmullen6312]

Exactly! Thay can make YOU look like the bad guy!

[@ND-or5so]

dragonmom: But at home they fall out of order. You get a cray cray that is retarded

[@impaktstories]

Another way to spot a narcissist: the second you begin to be anything but 100% compliant in the relationship the devaluing begins.

[@josereyes1148]

My narcissist friend goes on and on about work problems. I'm talking like every other day he complains for 15 min about work. I complained about my work problems like maybe 10 minutes a month total. He then brought up his boring dream and wanted to talk about it and analyze it with me. (I think narcs think everything about them is so fascinating and amazing to people). I didn't give him the attention he was craving so he went off on me and started mocking me about my work problems. Making it sound like he puts up w that so I should listen to him now. Even though he complains about work 90% more than me. It's all a mess. First chance he got he threw it in my face because I didn't agree w him for 35 min about his dream. He's such a mess.

[@AAA-kr7nh]

Spot on.The devaluating of me started once I dared to call him out on his lies that somehow were my fault! That's from where the devaluating started for good and I believe that is when he started cheating on me because I wasn't the good supply anymore.

[@mattlehnardt783]

and when you're 1 to 3 years old, and your mom is a narc who abandons you emotionally, i.e. the "still-face experiment" on the internet, and never returns or even tries to fix it or even get what impact that has on you? what about when you're 1 to 3 years old, and mom and dad are your "Gods" to establish you in connection in the world as a YOU, with THEM, so you feel you are at a 'home'. with someone central to who you are. and they devalue you even before you start. and hang onto that grudge against you for ??? stuff you don't even know, their own issues, and you need them to develop a 'self' in the world? just for being you they ditch you as a baby. and don't recognize you or come back emotionally. same house, meals, laundry, everything technical is happening, but almost no emotional food happening, except for being blamed for the disconnection they hold on to. yeah this is where mental illness comes from and homelessness.

[@ingrid3578]

Yup they are dictators. Your job is to do exactly as they say and fit the mold they’ve created for you. They don’t give a damn about anyone else. You’re just a prop to further their own agenda. The moment you express yourself, which humans tend to do, shit goes south real quick. They will rage.

[@NoMoreHeroesAnymore1334]

Just re re blocked a "friend" like this. Deeply regret unblocking after almost a decade. They don't change. They pretend to until you "trust" them again and then they attack you, again. NC immediately, NC forever is my new policy. No second chances. You give me that sick angry humiliated feeling ONE time, and we're done. I have enough scars and seeping open wounds that never close already.

[@olazet3069]

My therapist taught me a very fine lesson: having a narcissist in your life is like being a recovering alcoholic. Just like a non-drinking alcoholic needs to be on guard all the time, you have to remember a set of rules each time you’re interacting with a narcissist. Stick to your strategies, remind yourself of your self worth, don’t let them use you for their emotional regulation. It hurts when it’s your parent but it’s the only think you can do to remain sane: not to forget who you are dealing with.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You can let your therapist know that I completely agree with this approach!!

[@olazet3069]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for your response doctor C! I finished my therapy some time ago - Surviving Narcissism is the place I go when I need to find inspiration and strength. Thank you for being there for us!

[@hilarysherman591]

He knows it's wrong. He hides it from people that would think badly of him if they saw how he treats his family. If brought to his attention, he would rationalize the behavior. He's never wrong. Never.

[@realhealing7802]

Narcissists are never wrong. It's always someone else fault. As if the are perfect!

[@LisaPFrampton]

Good way to put it. He behaves badly in front of those that he knows supports his behaviors, and puts on an act in front of those who he's afraid will judge him.

[@LisaPFrampton]

​@@realhealing7802 oh but they'll say "I'm not perfect" or "nobody's perfect" but they'll NEVER admit to any one imperfection they have or any wrongs they've done! They can't name them, won't admit to them, and will not sincerely apologize or correct any of their behavior or treatment to others!

[@killadjango6995]

they're cowards at heart, simply pathetic!

[@TerriTemple]

excellent point. they know.

[@thescapegoatclub]

This is such an important point for empaths who are dealing with narcissism. We can excuse a lot of things if we feel they are unconscious or uncontrollable. It keeps us in the toxic loop.

[@kfcphtb21]

Or drowning in toxic soup!

[@bereal6590]

100%, it keeps you in the but oh they had such a terrible childhood themselves and they're just fragile etc.. but what I failed to think was how damaging they've been to me. Do they have those same thoughts and empathy for me, ABSOLUTELY NOT! They think they're the best parents ever. Accepting their behaviour whilst being punished for my own, validating them whilst being invalidated. Now Now see why I didn't understand what self compassion was

[@debbiedegenhardt9287]

Your response resonated with me since I've been very, no, too forgiving and accepting of my husband's behavior. People have told me I'm too nice and have have let him get away with too much as far as gaslighting, blame shifting, and redirecting. They were right. And after 18 years of marriage I finally followed through on my threat to divorce him. On one hand I feel like I'm abandoning a mentally unwell man, and on the other, I need to reclaim my sanity and self worth. I used to gaslight myself by saying things like, "At least he doesn't hit me." But the psychological scars that he's inflicted on me are far worse than a physical scar could have been. He's stalled the divorce proceedings, because he would rather stay in the house I paid for. Not because he loves me and can't live without me, but in his words, "You know, I don't like change." 😞

[@NeonCicada]

Self-identifying as "empaths" is a common form of narcissistic virtue signaling online. _“Being against evil doesn't make you good."_ -- quote by Ernest Hemingway

[@thescapegoatclub]

@@debbiedegenhardt9287 you deserve a loving, supportive and respectful partner. If he has a mental illness, he is responsible for getting help for it. That’s not your job. He knows your concerns about the relationship and is choosing to ignore them and the consequences that go with it. Good luck, it’s hard but looking after you does not reflect badly on who you are. It shows strength, wisdom and courage. Good luck! 💚

[@JC-sh6im]

Re "grow and adjust" - I know that one - they respond - "sounds great, let's grow and adjust YOU..."

[@kfcphtb21]

It’s amazing how they have self control in front of certain people…..but can bully you behind closed doors! So I believe they do know what they are doing aaaaand that what they do/say is highly inappropriate!

[@MKCarol-ms7lg]

They BELIEVE they are justified because they believe you need their bullying. It's the way they see their world which was figured out before they could rationalize as an adult would. Very little to no conscious thought now, it's just how things are.

[@joannageorge7305]

This fact condemns them more than anything else could.

[@tombuddy100]

"these individuals are unable to fix what they are too ashamed to see or examine" Exactly!

[@NeonCicada]

That statement could _(quite literally)_ be said about anyone/anything; as it even applies to other aspects of everyday life. Sometimes, people will muddy the waters -- just to make them seem deep.

[@ChicagoHOG27]

I honed in on that, too.

[@realhealing7802]

I had to let go of my narcissistic family to survive. I thought I was losing my mind. Staying in unhealthy relationships will cause serious damage.

[@spaideman7850]

yes, my mind and blood pressure will explode if i live with my narc mom. she's a chronic liar and love to play family politics, mind games, emotion control tears games, to make herself the center of the universe.

[@rockerdad2]

Man, this is so true. since they never change its important to slide away and take care of our own mental health and life. It can become to the point that life is destroyed unless you take it back. Didnt know what this all was untill late in life. stay well your on the right path!

[@hannahisabel8015]

I had a falling out with a “friend” I babysat for. She cursed me out because I resigned from my babysitting position, the other 2 friends, mind you they are ALL 7+ years older than me, became quickly enmeshed with one another. The old me would’ve fed into that and apologized to keep this toxic friend group. Now, I simply withdrew because I trusted my instinct which I felt all along. 30 y/o women acting like we’re in highschool? No thanks.

[@lindabell2940]

That's what i said, people or not dummies, they can see how you robot children, or, cold blooded, thats right we or not kids no more, you just cant keep doing this, cause i will go happy ass on ,man or woman, dont jack with me, im not a kid, and yea buddy, you got your whore dog girls, nasty, leave them so called mean girls alone, hang on for dear life, you get you a girl narcissist, run, you let the dogs out, shame on these nuts, shame on me, me bad,

[@carolnahigian9518]

I baby sat once* the Mother went frim Calmly correcting me for " SNACKING IN FRONT OF MY CHILD- So rude"! to a RANTING RAVING DEMO OF " Why I will never RESPECT you & your beneath Low Contempt"! what a SEWER she has for a mouth.

[@hannahisabel8015]

@@carolnahigian9518 oh yes complete sewer mouth. She didn’t hold back.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

That is unfortunate but bad behavior doesn't always mean someone is a narcissist. People forget that narcissism is a pattern of specific behaviors.

[@hannahisabel8015]

@@ASMRyouVEGANyet Dr. Carters videos don’t just help me recognize narc behavior. He teaches on respect, civility, and dignity so his teachings at this point go beyond narcissism. Everyone has narcissistic traits. Toxic behavior is toxic behavior

[@laurenlowery5799]

I have an older sister who is a narcissist. I honestly think she is evil. Absolutely she knows what she does and takes great joy in it. I've actually seen her snicker when she has said something to me that she knows is very hurtful. I no longer see her. She has reached out to me several times with no success. I won't be around her toxicity/entitlement/evilness any longer.

[@treelover1050]

I'M GLAD YOU REFUSE TO SEE HER. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[@carolnahigian9518]

We have 2 cousins who throw Word bombs at wedding events " hi Carol are you AUTISTIC?"" really rude, then SMIRK..

[@realhealing7802]

I have an older evil sibling. I had to go no contact to save my mental and physical health.

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Same here...Older sister is a Narcissistic Alocholic and a sister younger than I am was an alcoholic. Those two loved to gang up on me....I don't drink, and I decided No Contact with them years ago.

[@ek9348]

I completely understand. 3 years ago my oldest sister crossed the line wayyyy over. And I asked myself: when is enough enough? and I went no contact. I'm done after 47 years of feeling guilty, powerless and depressed. She tried in different ways to real me in again, but zero respons from me. It's purely out of self protection we need to take these extreme actions. Don't feel guitly about it and enjoy being free from all the drama and toxicity!

[@carparthero]

the most despicable thing about a narcissist is that they know exactly what they’re doing and know it’s wrong and they simply don’t care. once you know you're with a narcissist, the biggest mistake you'll ever make with a narcissist is thinking you could call them out, forgive them, show them kindness and think they would change and become a better person. it'll only escalate the abuse. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@christinelamb1167]

Yep, they will NEVER change, the rewards they get from their behavior is too satisfying, and they don't care whatsoever about hurting others. In fact, they love it!

[@arelisasteasuainzarra6220]

Yes they don’t care they are the Devil’s Child

[@christinelamb1167]

@@arelisasteasuainzarra6220 That's exactly it!

[@olyooshka]

Very true.

[@rppope1006]

Her abuse started at age 3 towards me. She was supposed to be my mom. Almost 3 full decades later and she still does it. The beautiful thing is I have never forgiven her and to my understanding knew it would continue. Shes a failure of a human being.

[@chanchan5349]

Very helpful. I wish I’d known this 42 years ago. Mine has zero understanding of his behavior or how it affects mine. It took me over 35 years to understand I was dealing with a neglectful narcissist. I now think his father was the same, so he learned this behavior. He’s charming to EVERYONE outside the home & shutdown at home. I get nothing. He has no interest in me, maintaining our home, cars, anything. His interests are paramount (fishing, hunting, golf) so he buys gear, goes on vacations with his buds, thinks and studies those things when at home, leaving no room for anything else either in $$$ or brain space. I quit complaining years ago because no one believes the stories, even my closest friends think I over exaggerate. I’m using this space to get this pain off my chest-there are no answers. Thanks for being here & for listening.

[@activist3145]

Same here! Constantly consuming and buying things. Things that make him happy by having the best gear on a trip or the most expensive crap for whatever hobby.

[@CTHou13]

I also live with a neglectful narcissist. It’s the most painful relationship I’ve ever been in being completely disregarded in all aspects of my needs and wants. And all he wants is a shiny new car, fancy clothes and a big screen television so he can impress people.

[@clarecollins2547]

😢

[@misottovoce]

My 82 year old negligent covert narc husband is an emotional toddler. He did indeed experience traumatic situations in his very early life. Not even 4 years old and subjected to public humiliation and laughed at. Parents not really 'present' for him, shoved off early to an internat and then later to another in an other country and told what to study by his father 'or else you are on the street'. Everything you mentioned about arrested emotional devlopment is so spot on...he is perversely happiest when he can play the victim even when it simply is not logical. And like you mentioned, he just doesn't grasp that my reactions to him (or others in his life) could possibly be because of his poor behaviour. They are incapable of inner reflection. No, their mind is permanently in the comfort zone of blaming others and throwing frequent and loud pity parties. In spite of knowing about his early life, I no longer 'make excuses' for him. I set my boundries, sometimes daily and when he starts his word salad and craziness, I just tell him I'm not into his round and round debates and I just leave the room. Too busy with life to put up with it. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for all your work. Such a blessing you are!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning!!

[@jenniferkrumm4280]

This is so close to my experience. Thank you for putting it so well. ❤

[@idontknowyetwhoiam]

No it is not mostly unconscious. I have witnessed with my own eyes and ears confessions from narcissists about what they knew to be wrong. They just can't deal with the crippling shame so double down instead but they are 100% aware of when they hurt others. We need to stop giving people a pass and hold them accountable instead. Bullies have gotten away with too much.

[@soumyajoseph7429]

Agree, it's not unconscious because they behave differently in public. And, also agree, the malignant narc has a dark and intellectual empathy - that is they have empathy and misuse it because they don't care and want B-grade supply by hurting others.

[@ModernVintage31]

I think their state of being narcissistic is mostly unconscious, however their actions are not. There’s a lot of talk about lack of impulse control and I can understand that to a point. However, choices made in a microsecond, without proper reflection, are still choices. Remember, they keep their awful behaviors hidden from the people whose disapproval could negatively impact them. That is a strategic, and I believe, conscious choice.

[@tombuddy100]

Right, in public, or when more people are around, they tend to be much more careful about their behavior and what they say. At home, they relax much more and tend to do a lot of nagging, cussing, blaming, scolding people close to them, trying to control them, requiring detailed account of where they have been and with whom they have spoken what, pretending they do not understand when those people try to reason with them, etc.

[@killadjango6995]

agreed 💯 they literally have no sense of who they are. their entire existence is based on the approval of people who don't matter, its pathetic.

[@Deviation4360]

Very true, thank you.

[@skellingtonmeteoryballoon]

but what about when “whose disapproval could impact them negatively” are actually complete strangers who probably dont even realize the particular narcissist is even existing and considering them in their efforts to hide etc.? its like the same thing but not exactly strategic.

[@MKCarol-ms7lg]

"Conscious choices" or a lifestyle. Reflexes are not choices. Their behavior is based on a history which they have mentally avoided for years leaving them with bad reflexes.

[@konbonwa]

I appreciate this interior look at the narcissist and how they are unconsciously motivated by displacing their feelings because they cannot deal with them internally. But I don't understand how the narcissist can berate their mate or their child and then just a minute later be very charming to a friend or neighbor. It would seem that the narcissist is consciously choosing who they victimize on some level.

[@tombuddy100]

They want to maintain clean image with people they like or consider valuable, whereas they do not care about their image with people they dislike and do not find valuable. They are very short-sighted, tend to burn bridges, and do not anticipate what might be beneficial in the long run.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

Precisely! 🎯❗️❗️❗️

[@ingrid3578]

They are cowards down the their very core. Fear-based cowardice is central to their character. They absolutely know what they’re doing. They know only certain people in their life would put up with their horrific behaviour. My dad’s evil sister (he was also highly narcissistic) carefully selects her victims, my mom being one of them. My mom is the most timid, kind, generous person who could never hurt a fly, and you bet my aunt would bully her, criticize her, ask her for ridiculous favours, give all kinds of unsolicited advice, ask highly inappropriate questions, and basically treat her like the piece of garbage that she views her as. But to other family members she is an angel. These people are masters at managing own public image. They are their own PR team.

[@Lemana28021989]

I don't think so. Sure, it's learned "coping mechanisms" due to their survival mode and over time they won't be able to break out of it as it would shatter them as a being. Still, they know exactly what they do and then try to justify through gaslighting and lying.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

Yep

[@ellengrace4609]

Agreed. And they justify it because they truly believe they are a superior being. I remember dating this guy and about the third time we were together I knew there was something about him that was going to cause me trouble, something I could feel in my very core but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I ignored my gut because I thought he was amazing. I didn’t even think about NPD at the time as I didn’t even know what it was (this was about 10 years ago) but I think I was unconsciously picking up on all those cues. My gut was right. That trip to hell was devastating and lasted about 2 years. It was definitely life changing and almost life ending. Now I have the concept and words to articulate what happened. My biggest take away is always listen to your gut, because many of us have an inherent ability to detect danger, even if our brains have not yet learned the schema to understand that danger.

[@christinelamb1167]

Yes, they know EXACTLY what they are doing! They love it, and they receive too many benefits from their behavior to ever want to stop. They don't care whatsoever at all about the hurt they inflict on others.

[@MKCarol-ms7lg]

@@christinelamb1167 Internal peace is a priceless thing. A thing they will never fully experience. Too much turmoil in their brains and peace is fragile. Since they can't 'introspect' they will never heal the turmoil. I'd much rather be peaceful old me.

[@jeanne5371]

Exactly!

[@izawaniek2568]

Narcisists are too ashamed to introspect and fix their internal problems which they Project onto others, they are stuck in their development and therefore enviously detest life and the truth which are constantly in creation mode. Narcisists in the positions of power are a formula for disaster. Thank you for your words of wisdom dr Carter❤

[@killadjango6995]

agreed 💯💯🎯

[@alphaomegaambassador4978]

Narc Victim: "You're hurting me." Narc: "Oh, well." Class Dismissed.

[@biondna7984]

This so reflects what life with my first husband felt like. For YEARS, before I recognized the narcissism, I thought I had married someone who was just hopelessly immature. Who had to keep making the same mistakes, shitting in their own nest by losing jobs they valued, and alienating people they wanted to cultivate as friends. It DOES look a lot like plain old, pathetic immaturity.

[@spaideman7850]

all these while i thought I'm the only person feels that narcissist = 3 years old brain that cannot mature, until i watch these videos recently that many agreed with me. these 'kids' love to 'win' in every argument, either thru lies, swear to God(despite they are the culprit), create stories from thin air, recruit stupid believers and supporters like going for President rally. Create commotion to get as many friends, relatives and even strangers to listen to their own family issues and belittle their victims. And the best part is, they did all these with the objective to force the victim to love and adore them, and be their 'yes man' good boy.. what??? zero logic. well, thats what they are.

[@dm3144]

@blancotequila good luck to you and stay strong! If it’s any consolation to you, I got emancipated at 17. Best decision I’ve ever made. Good luck, my friend 🦋✌️

[@dm3144]

@@spaideman7850 well said The narc I was dealing with, was all for going to petition and rallies ! What a trip, that’s the first I heard of that kind of behavior, from someone else🤯 It truly blows my mind! Thank you for your comment, stay strong and be free 🦋SURVIVOR 🦋

[@MKCarol-ms7lg]

Expecting a 6 y. o. brain to function like an adult one is what causes so much stress and frustration.

[@SendItForward]

​@@MKCarol-ms7lgThank you for stating "frustration and stress". I have always been even tempered and willing to let people have their own opinions. But when I am constantly poked and prodded just for having my own opinion or personal way of expressing myself, from a certain person, my "frustration and stress" rises just from the mere sight of them. It's as if my brain says "there's the boiling water go stick your hand in it!!" The frustration is REAL and it can lead to anger, especially when I feel I can NEVER get away from them.... anger or hopelessness.

[@thenomad9853]

My ex wife fulfilled all the qualities of the "covert" narcissist. Ive gone past hating her, many years ago. Even so - i always said i dont think her behaviour was *intentionally* aggressive, challenging, etc - my view was always that it was simply "learned behaviour" - she had such a narrow band of behaviours and outcomes that were "acceptable" to her - and moreover if thinga werent within that narrow band, she was in freefall, like an animal in frantic pain. I believe she learned that causing massive arguments where the reaction was disproportionately large to the topic at hand, the length of time she could keep these disagreements and negative/aggressive behaviour going, and the frequency with which she did this ..... Basically it got her the result she wanted, you were worn down over time, and walking on eggshells, any attempt to try and logically disseminate the arguments and tantrums led to gas lighting - it was a situation where every move you made was checkmate - and she had limitless stamina for these situations - my theory when i came to understand what made her tick, was over the years in relationships she had learned that exhibiting that behaviour made the person threatening to take her outside her confort zone, step back and stop doing so - in fact after years, you are effectively trained or conditioned (because you just dont want another argument, put down, scene, negativity ... Whatever) to operate within her boundaries - effectively it caused her such discomfort not to be in control in her narrow sphere of acceptability that she would exhibit extreme behaviours to maintain control and to avoid the situations she couldnt handle. It didnt make it any easier to deal with and even after i had worked this out life with her was utterly miserable, but i trued to let go of the hatred i felt towards her for being like that because to me it was like being angry at a shark or a lion for making a kill - effectively she was just following what she had learned to instinctively do, i didnt believe there was any real strategy to it, she had just figured out how to live within her boundaries and how to force everyone else to do that with her. Thats my take on conscious / unconscious narcissist behaviour anyway.

[@michaelfox9750]

Who among us has not spoken or acted in some hurtful ways--out of anger, thoughlessness, or just sheer stupidity? The healthier person reflects on his/her errors, owns up to them, and attempts a repair. In my 22-year marriage, I never heard an apology. Either the ex was that one perfect person or . . . well, you know the rest.

[@steffenworldcitizensurf5926]

…yes, I know the rest too well.

[@oceannomad4236]

I'm the only person in her life that my wife bullies with meanness, anger and contempt. Overtly however, this only happens when we're alone. When we have company in the house she reverts to her happy and polite persona toward me, giving our guests the impression we have a great marriage. I can understand that her being nice to me in company is nothing more than wanting guests to see her in a positive way but her on/off treatment of me seems quite deliberate.

[@ginafarley6190]

It hurts even more, a kind of betrayal really. It’s just a facade, or what Dr. George Simon, author of “In Sheep’s Clothing,” calls impression management.

[@christinelamb1167]

This proves that narcs know EXACTLY what they are doing! If it was truly unconscious, they wouldn't know how to turn it on and off to avoid detection by outsiders. The fact that they want to keep their true selves hidden from those on the outside means that they know their behavior towards you is bad and wrong, but they do it intentionally, with full knowledge of the impact of their actions on you!

[@grandmaatthefarm125]

I suffered the same treatment from my soon-to-be ex-husband. Can't wait until the divorce is final! I had to escape town and move several hours away just to feel safe from his manipulations.

[@christinelamb1167]

@@grandmaatthefarm125 I am happy for you that you have escaped! It is difficult to break free, and sad to admit that there is no other solution except to leave. But good for you for taking good care of yourself, and removing yourself from danger! I went no contact with my mother 3 years ago, after a lifetime of severe emotional abuse and torment from her (I'm 59 years old). It's not what I ever wanted, but she left me no choice. I am finally safe now, too.

[@shebakali6]

Please leave this woman! Especially if you have children. My mother put up with this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour and it damaged everyone. Narcs are fake and phony people and when their mask slips it is so ugly

[@michelepascoe6068]

"Very low self-reflection equals very high accusation." "These individuals are unable to fix what they're too ashamed to examine. " Combined with their dishonesty and sadistic capacity, it is no wonder that one cannot resolve conflict or reason with them, and it only increases their irrational hatred if you try, however kindly.

[@panfried7566]

this explains a lot about how she behaves the way she has. mean, nasty, always blaming me for just about everything. The hope of change died 5 years ago after trying for 20 years. 12:00 - she is unable to fix what she's too ashamed to see or examine. - sadly, she'll take it to her grave before she admits any wrong-doing. thanks, Dr. Carter

[@lindaratzel7835]

I am glad to be away from my narcissistic husband by also feel so sad for him as this is a type of mental illness that affects so many people. I do feel narcissism is definitely on the rise in this world today. I'll stay alone thanks!

[@sarahhunter8997]

One thing I've noticed about them all, especially the ones that aren't aware of their immature ways, is that they cannot deal with feeling shame. It's like as children they felt shamed and shunned and instead of processing that, they lash out. They cannot feel guilt, shame, etc. It doesn't mean they can't feel remorse. It doesn't mean they can't feel any empathy. It means that they feel shame and instantly blame the other person for how they feel. They must get rid of the person that makes them feel bad by any means. I dealt with a covert that really seemed unaware of his ability to accept processing of guilty feelings and shame. It had to be the other person who needed to go who 'made' him act that way. The relationship must be the wrong one, because he wouldn't just do that. Instead of working on themselves, they just drop the people around them. The inability to feel badly also drives their escapism addiction. They're typically always high/on games/phones etc.

[@patriciafry8634]

I think there is consciousness in the sense they know what they are doing is hurtful (“wrong”?), but they don’t care because they have no empathy and because it gives them something they want: supply, control, dominance, sense of superiority, revenge, pleasure. They may have no insight into how they got that way and can’t perceive a need to change, but I believe there is a level of consciousness there, often including intentional manipulation and cruelty.

[@LisaPFrampton]

Amen 100%!!

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

🎯❗️

[@queen_pila]

I believe so too,becoz why do they chose to be mean to us but pleasant to other people

[@daynapeterson9033]

My elderly covert narc mom has control issues with spouting out orders to everyone. Go do this, go do that! This includes any family members at her house visiting. She's done it for 80 yrs. Never a "could you please", just an order. Go light the pilot light, put that chair there, move that table here, sit that there, sit that here. Nobody is immuned. Not even guests.

[@bansheesioux5569]

JUN 01 World Narcissistic Abuse Day On this day, let us take heed of the warning signs that constitute narcissistic abuse

[@TheKak933]

Thanks for this. It took me decades to realize my sister is a narcissist because she was able to sound so sensible. She can talk the talk but her behavior is all blaming others. It’s sad but I removed myself from any true closeness with her. It’s dangerous

[@rockerdad2]

For those of us who truly get it, they are so damaging to our mental health and, it took decades to undertand or even know what this is. This should be taught in school and not sure why its not.

[@tatianamatrosova8463]

I can't believe I couldn't see that. how did I let THIS into my life. HOW?

[@msmacmac1000]

Here’s a revelation: I think the ones in my life that have been so toxic are the ones who HOLD GRUDGES. Anyone else out here in Team Healthy notice this as a common theme in toxic relationships?

[@Polyphemus47]

One in particular will bring up imagined wrongs many years later, to protect himself from recognizing anything happening in the present. There used to be an old saying that indicated willingness to 'move on' - "Let bygones be bygones." Nope.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

​@@Polyphemus47 it blows my mind how my mother will remember the most ridiculous things, including perceived wrongs.

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Exactly....they Abuse Authority....steal from you, destroy your rights, cheat, etc. Take any legal moral honest steps to make them stop and now they return hate. Do good loving caring things for them, and they return Evil for good. It's not possible to have a relationship with them, ever.

[@Hatbox948]

Yes! My narc definitely does, and rehashes old incidents over and over again. Listening to these tirades is agony.

[@michaelfox9750]

Ha! The ex blamed me for (among other things) our adult daughter's romantic partner, whom she later married. They'd met in college, and (in the words of the ex) the only reason our daughter attended that school was my opposition to her transferring to another school. This particular grudge came up years later, when it was obvious the two young people were in a serious relationship. Crazy? Oh yeah. I won't live long enough be 'forgiven' for my past 'sins'.

[@TerriTemple]

My sibling and I grew up in the same household and by a single parent and were both abused and neglected by our parent, I probably more. However, my sibling turned out to be a narcissist like our parent, while I am not. Because of this, I believe they are born with this inherited shortcoming or personality disorder and or choose to live the way they do.

[@ireneharris4104]

I grew up in an unhappy family environment. Got beaten, got no love or hugs. Yet I married had 3 kids n showed them so much love. Which I never had. Thankfully I didn't turn out like my siblings. 2 of them are narcissistic. Yet we all grew up together. I have no contact with them anymore, my choice. I'd had enough of their verbal abuse my whole life. Im 62. I could of been like them, narcissistic. But I'm not. Im an empath I'm proud of myself who I am.

[@nancymurphy6483]

My exe’s parents had a terrible marriage. They fought a lot. His sister said it frightened her so much she would hide behind a couch, or go in a closet and cover her ears. I asked what her brother did. She said it was the strangest thing, because he would begin to hum and continue playing with his trucks like nothing was happening. There were times when he would tell me, “Quit screaming.” I would respond “Listen to my voice. I am not screaming. You grew up with screaming, so that’s what you’re hearing.” He’d respond, “That’s an insult.” He could never take a realistic view of his parents. They were perfect.

[@wishuponastar3179]

Yes because no matter how many times you politely tell someone to leave you alone, they can't help themselves and think they can keep trying again and again till you say yes to them. Some people intrude on your privacy by asking you many personal questions even though you tell them to leave you alone, they follow you and keep going. If only they can see themselves in action. They have no idea of their actions.

[@justmyopinion526]

Although I do agree , I met someone like this once and asked why the attitude, they said ,, they love the challenge and the energy they got from it. If it became negative they would just deal with it but some attention is better than non. Crazy mindset. They thrive on others not bringing the same energy back to them. best way to deal is an assertive no and closing the door either emotionally or real..

[@olyooshka]

​@@justmyopinion526 True, I've known someone who admitted that they get a high from conflict and strife. They manufacture it making literally anyone an unwilling participant. Antagonistic personality disorder it is.. They do NOT understand what they look like to the public, they have no concept of empathy and are sure they are as indispensibly important to any stranger as they are to themselves. They don't get the "you suck" emotion caused by them coming from other people, they always think that they can only be admired or envied, so they keep bothering people to get that supply they imagine others have for them...

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

I know, right? Narcs lack a sense of boundaries. It's crazy

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

Well, narcs don't care how their intrusion affects others due to a lack of empathy.

[@dontbelongherefromanother]

​ people like this have to be served with a restraining order

[@aaronkwolfe]

“Mostly?” Even I f it is just a matter of degrees, I’m still curious. I could quote Sheriff Gilligan, though: “Ignorance of the the law is no excuse.”

[@texaspatty458]

I think by the time they realize how differently strange they are ( not all of them ever get it ) it's too late to change or even want to. That's far too much work for any narc . Let's face it , they are way too lazy for that kind of commitment . I know that having narc parents , that I normalized their narc behaviors just to survive that toxic environment . Years of work on myself has made every day just a bit clearer . Thank you Dr. Carter , I'm very happy for you to be a part of my journey , you are helping so many of us . 👏👏👏👏💪

[@killadjango6995]

1000% agreed. 💯🎯

[@anawatson8594]

I recently realized that my parents always used to tell us how hard they had to work, and give up this or that. However, when I look back now, they just seem lazy to me. I work much harder than they ever did.

[@tranquility9325]

They also have significant brain damage.

[@kathiejl1]

@@tranquility9325 I have to agree that it may have some effect. There is a study where they did MRIs on narcissists. Their frontal lobe is affected. My narc has ridden dirt bike since very young and had multiple crashes with a collection of dented helmets.

[@kathiejl1]

I’ve always believed that by age 35 we are all pretty set in our ways. Changing one’s makeup is hard unless extremely committed and willing. So my 57 yo narc is probably hopeless unless he received a spiritual awakening relieving him of the obsession compulsion to react with narcissistic tendencies. 😢 It breaks my heart to believe that but everything I listen to and read says they rarely change because their very dysfunction tells them there is nothing wrong with them.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

The word 'Narcissism' is only just being recognised in its meaning. However, people DO realise they are behaving badly. Some will do it as a form of mischief Some seek revenge to others they have been hurt by. Some do it as a learned behavior. Some are plain cruel and sadistic. I prefer the the Team Healthy way of thinking and way of life. Releasing negative energies around me has helped me move more freely and given me room to grow in a way I never thought possible!

[@roxymovie3938]

Yes, people do recognize the bad behaviours. And for you in fact it does not matter if their behaviours are conscious or unconsious. A few days ago I read a quote, that I want to share with you, "You can not control others behaviours, thoughts, opinions, your circumstances, your enviroment etc. The only thing you can do, is to control your response to that. This will give you strength and freedom and peace." Have a wonderful day, Amanda 🤗

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@roxymovie3938 Thanks Roxy for sharing that quote. Very much appreciated 🙏 All the very best of positive wishes 🌈🤗

[@roxymovie3938]

@@amandaliverpool3374 You are welcome, Amanda😊 And thanks for your wishes 🌈🤗

[@tbunnyshy1]

Exactly 🎯 They know what they’re doing. Maybe they remember how they became who they are (harsh upbringing -maybe that portion is unconscious and the cruelty is on autopilot?). They CHOOSE to not do better. It’s lifelong revenge or something.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@tbunnyshy1 I agree with you on that!

[@MarleyLeMar]

Please never underestimate the transformational power of prayer--to want, sincerely, whatever is in the best interest of everyone involved, and to accept the outcome and work with it. Both psychology and faith can live together in a heart that has grown large enough.

[@spaideman7850]

Narc will not change even Jesus came down from heaven trying to change them

[@elainesmith5313]

As I look back at my narcissist husband life, it is pittyable to a point. But the abuse I withstood I know now that he did know it was wrong. His death bed confession to our Oldest Son proved it. But to put that quilt on your son because you are truly a Coward was the true tale tale sign that he was truly narcissist and did not care about anyone. Hurtful until the very end leaving a trail of total disaster in the lives of us who lived with him. We don't mention him anymore and he is not missed. Thank you God ! And thank you Dr. C. Still healing and moving forward in N.C. And thank you Team Healthy!🐾🐾🐾🐾

[@cindyallen4831]

Thanks Dr. C. I was Brutally discarded out of a 25 year marriage (for new supply, of course). During those years, however, lots of shenanigans which are morally, socially wrong and not good for a marriage. Now, after the fact, I question why I stayed but now I'm educated on narcissism. I asked myself often whether he knew what he was doing or if it was just natural to him. He hid the shenanigans (secret phone, texts to other women, etc.) so he knew, on some level, he was doing wrong.

[@secondhorizon]

Unconscious (perhaps) ~ but only like someone in a perpetual drunken stupor who thinks that they can still drive-safe.

[@miss_whipps]

Brilliant analogy! 🎯

[@laurence.MusicAndSights]

I am French, occasionally listening to Dr Carter ( destroyed and ruined by a horrid vain narcissist) and bow to your brilliant words, the essence of unconscious Evil as it were 👿 wow so well expressed. Greetings from France 🇫🇷

[@mandycote5662]

NO it’s being in denial of the behaviour- playing stupid even 🙄

[@moirabijker]

Dr. Carter, it's so terribly sad to see how my children's father simply cannot access his childhood pain and the resulting behaviors that occur. But I know I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it and I can't control it. So I have to distance myself from him and block on a regular basis as the insults, attempts at control and manipulation become too much. Thank you for all your helpful work. I have learned so much from you.

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

It can be dangerous to underestimate the true intent of an abuser. Perhaps some of it is clueless, but more of it is conscious than people realize. They were careful to conceal their behaviour, look innocent, all while carefully planning their abuse. I've had people defend my abusive parents by saying "they didn't mean it", referring to child abuse as "mistakes, unintentional". As the victim who saw the abuser truly unmasked - it was not. And even if it was unconscious - regardless of intent, the dangers of abuse can be the same and so is the lifelong impact on the victim.

[@elainewilliams4359]

This is very, very sad. It is very, very sad to me that the person I have loved all these years is so deeply damaged that he is not safe for relationships. I have had to remove myself from the relationship because the damage to him from his early life and young adulthood runs so deep that he turns on me, the one who truly loves and sees him. He cannot trust and he cannot receive the love that I have extended unconditionally for all these years. This is the saddest thing that could possibly happen to a person, and I wish he would get help-- but he refuses. It's over my head. I can only have compassion from a distance from now on, and pray that one day, he'll pursue and accept help. Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Carter.

[@tombuddy100]

When other people get frustrated because of narcissist's immaturity, naricissist says: you see, how these people are inappropriate. Whatever happens, it is not narcissist's fault. That is is why it is hard to reason with a narcissist.

[@killadjango6995]

its impossible, they mental illness blocks all reasoning. u gotta go no contact and let them self destruct. 💯💯🎯

[@salviaspuzzle]

Very scary how true this is. I waiting 8 years to propose to my ex. I was waiting for her to "grow out" of her nonsense. I figured she's gotta grow up eventually. No, she got way worse. Thanks for your videos!

[@nicholasyashin4802]

Yes, they can not change. Move on

[@warrenbradford2597]

That is what I thought my narcissistic mother and sister, especially, would do. They developmentally arrested as well. I am learning and creating to end my ensnarement with them as soon as possible. I am going to keep doing so to lead an extraordinary life of my own.

[@spaideman7850]

try not to have any relationship with narc, seriously

[@goldilocks3593]

Similar situation. A ten year relationship. Because we were both young I figured he would grow up eventually. He didn’t. My advice would be: once you get past the age of 30, you are wasting your precious time on “potential”. What you see is pretty much what you get. If you are going to be in a partnership you want it to be with someone who is capable of real change and growth.

[@tranquility9325]

They have brain damage

[@aunthat6685]

I think perhaps this was helpful in coming to a resolution to forgive my sister, which is my main goal. My sister and I are in our 70's, and I am the oldest. The truth is that I am autistic and have issues and behaviors that I simply cannot change. There are a few of our issues that are frightening similar although mine don't come from a place of meanness, hatefulness or an intent to hurt and control. Truthfully, although I have nothing to do with her anymore, I suspect that we are both at the same place in life, and that is "alone". I have tried the therapy, and the truth is that therapists really don't seem to be qualified to deal with autism, as they treat you as though your issues are that of a normal person and all that they have to do is change your thinking and you will behave differently. So what we have here are two sisters who have been incompatible from day one, and have been tremendously damaged by life. I will say that in my working through this and coming to the realization that I am nothing to her except to have been used and discarded, that I must finally put her in a place in my life of being nothing to me, and I am working on this in various ways. I do feel as though I have finally taken a step forward.

[@lindabell2940]

Lord let this woman have peace, its not pretty being against a sister, but it is real, im sorry, that we watch this kind of madness, you say you didn't get all of the nonsense, i did , the big why question is ,lack of my mercy, i never, im sorry that stuff like this happens with adults, hec i didn't even want to look at my own sister, please some body in this community needs peace in there well being,

[@ellengrace4609]

Good for you! My sister is a narcissist, as was my mother. After my mom passed, my sister literally took her place and assumed her role, now even living with my dad. He was under my mom’s thumb for decades and so I get that this is familiar and comfortable to him. I have put so much distance between me and my toxic family so that now I am a casual outside observer. I don’t get involved but I haven’t made any formal declarations of being “out.” I found it wasn’t necessary as they consume each other’s lives with a constant whirlwind of drama, so much that they don’t even appear to notice I’ve escaped. 😂 Occasionally they contact me, but only when they need something,but I have managed to stay uninvolved for about 8 years so far and I plan to keep it that way. I’m glad you’ve found a way to prevent your sister from causing you grief. Sending all my good thoughts!! ❤

[@Polyphemus47]

@@lucyq7ollie I admire your self-awareness, and hope you don't have one shred of guilt about your decisions in shutting out the hurtful behaviors. Peace.

[@ellengrace4609]

@@lucyq7ollie I’m so sorry, Lucy! You sound like a kind and compassionate person. I think this may be the only “gift” of being a narcissist’s victim, strengthening our compassion, empathy, resilience… When we use those strengths with non-narcissists, it can be very powerful and greatly appreciated. That’s my way of looking for good in a very damaging situation. Be good to yourself! ❤️❤️❤️

[@aunthat6685]

@@ellengrace4609 I didn't mention it, but my mom was a narcissist (I come from a family of narcissistic (hateful) women. It must be genetic.) My sister took over our family long before my mom died and worked for years to literally shut me out of the family. Finally, she did. Yes, my dad was under my mom's thumb also and this broke my heart because he was the one person that I loved. My greatest regret in life is that i never once stood up for myself, but maybe that is a good thing because I would have probably said or done things that i would have regretted later. There was a time when I would have liked to have walked away from my mother and never seen her again, but, because I am a Christian, I thought that his was the wrong thing to do. I spent my life trying to do things to make her happy, but with her, nothing was ever enough. I seem to be able to forgive her because 1) she is gone and 2) since her sisters were as hateful as she was it obviously goes back to something in her childhood. She did tremendous damage to me as a person and yet there were some things that she did that were good in that they allowed me to cope, whereas, with my sister, there is not one good thing that I can think or say about her. I always thought that my mother had a look of madness in her eyes, but with my sister, what I see is pure evil.

[@mattjbirtell]

I’ve got so good at calling out a narcissists illogical/irrational thought processes that whenever my Dad bursts out in anger I throw it back at him. He totally dissociates and shuts down. He zones out, distracts himself and literally hears nothing you say. Then he wakes up once the retaliation has ended. It doesn’t even feel good because not only have you stooped to their energy level but they absorb none of it and you get nowhere, nothing changes…

[@jeannedouglas9912]

I gotta admit that I have tried for such a long time and fed their egos knowing they crave it and being correct on all issues only to be struck down. It's like that saying of oh what web of lies we conceive. Perhaps they are stuck in their lies and raw hatred. The best advice is.."Whatever"

[@roxymovie3938]

How deliberate is a Narcissist's manner of life? - Narcissists are driven by unconscious forces. Their sense of logic is impacted by unfinished strain and tension. They are stuck in an "arrested development", which means they emotionally remain in a childish state, where no growth is possible. Why are Narcissist not able to grow? 1. Supression = consciously exercizing self restraint, holding in your emotions when it is not safe to show 2. Repression = powerful defense mechanism, which starts very early in life when painful, unacceptable, confusing experiences; driven out of conscious awareness; it is like an unconscious defensive shield 3. Arrested Development = Supressed & repressed; No growth emotionally or relationally; Remaining in a childish state Narcissists have learned to hide their emotions , which began on an early age when reasoning was shallow. Repression and arrested development started and today they can not address what is driving them. Physically they grow, but emotionally they are still stuck and remain as raw reactors. They have no intuitive thinking and can not ask themselves insightful questions. How do Narcissists show their childish behaviours? > childish anger > blame shifting > fear collaboration > stuck in a major victim's complex > yet no give & take > not knowing what love & trust is > magical thinking > too fragile to say, "I was wrong." > quality of life is based on externals only > unable to access their own humanity > wearing a psychological mask > very low self reflection equals > very high accusations > unable to fix > too ashamed to see/examine Conclusion: Mostly of the time Narcissists are like an 'automatic pilot', doing things unconsciously, not knowing what drives them. Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Roxy!!

[@roxymovie3938]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You are welcome, Dr. Carter & Gus! 😊

[@tommytwotoes7636]

"Shut down mode"... Yes! I was just told by my ex that her defense mechanism for dealing with stressful situations is to not deal with it at all.

[@SendItForward]

I have concluded that I must embrace my own reality that I have to go my own way. I have done the reasoning, rationalizing, sacrificing, guilt and depression long enough. I'm tired of waiting for this person to "get it" cuz he is not and it is plainly evident he cannot "get it" from me. I am tired of living in a defeated mindset and I am tired of living as if one of my three blades is off balance. I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions but that means I have to know myself. If coming to know who I am and who I want to be means separating from certain people who interfere or impose their own ideals onto me as if they are actually mine, then I will separate myself. Even more so when that imposing person either cannot or will not explain their own motives driving their actions. Offering no logic or proved debate/example.... just a "do it" mentality. When I need advice I have trusted sources, proven; but even then the final choice is still MINE to make and own even when I cannot explain it to a person who is in an adult body but operates with a child's mindset. I've always prayed "God give me understanding". I believe I have it, now I pray "God, help me to accept the things I cannot change and wisdom to know the difference." I appreciate this channel and all the folks who bare their heart and share their struggles and efforts to live their own purpose. God bless you all.

[@jeffmyers7062]

The narcissist has no culpability. Oh look the world did me wrong and I have zero culpability

[@christanatwork]

Great explanation, Dr C. It's a question I asked a lot about my ex through the 26 years of marriage. Without even knowing the actual definition of narcissism beyond the mythological story, I had come to the same conclusions that she had conjured her own alternative reality of life and was determined to live by that in order to avoid painful self-examination and reflection. What she was gaslighting me with was part of the narrative she had chosen to believe in so much so she could actively avoid numerous clear and obvious truths. When you could corner her with rationale and reason (no, not recommended), you'd have a cornered animal on your hands. It's almost as if you were dealing with an aggressive, untamed animal whose survival instincts come before all else. So many years would not have been wasted if it weren't for this need to not ever be vulnerable and I really feel sorry for her too, but alas it is what it is.

[@tranquility9325]

Don't ever feel sorry for someone who lies, cheats, steals, and manipulates you and others.

[@snowbear1877]

I can relate to a lot of this. Being emotionally needy and having a victim complex. I feel the world has done me wrong, by and large. I think it's because people take advantage of me because I am a bit soft, due to low self-esteem due to poor upbringing. And yes, I've been called emotionally needy, and this is true. But I am not a narcissist.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Our daughter since a very early age preferred her father, my husband, over me. To this day she is in her forties she gives her father lots of attention, takes his advice and listens to me but doesn't want to pay attention to my wisdom. I have thought over the years it was because when my husband was younger he negated me in front of the children when I would attempt to make some rules or teach them something. He was raised in a family where there were no boundaries and very little training about life so he thought I was being mean by expecting boundaries and training the children. So, our daughter married a man raised the same way my husband was raised and they both dislike me as though I have nothing good to offer. I have given up and keep my distance unless I have to see them, then I still keep my distance while they are in the same room. Even their children, the grandchildren have been taught something is wrong with Granny, so they ignore me too while speaking to Grandpa. Thank the Lord I no longer feel hurt over it, I am just thankful when they leave from their once-a-year visit to our home. Our daughter and her husband snap at me when I disagree or express an opinion no matter what it is. I always look forward to their leaving when they come. We have a joyful and happy life when they are not around. My husband, our daughter, and our son-in-law refuse to discuss anything, they speak but don't listen.

[@fred.k9875]

Essence,Dr.C always put emphasis on essence, our conscious is rooted in our essence, where there is no essence there is no foundation for conscious.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it, Fred.

[@AnnaMishel]

IMHO, there at (at a minimum) 2 basic human species. 1) empaths (those having a conscience) 2) narcissists/psychopaths (those having no or impaired conscience) We’re animals after all. We would never expect all dog breeds to have the same innate characteristics. And We should not expect all humans to have the same innate characteristics. IT’S THAT SIMPLE, AND THAT COMPLEX!

[@lindabell2940]

Well ,i mean to tell ya, be what, why, hec i have seen so much unnormal, i already hate my ugly ass, to many nuts, yea let me join the club, im feeding myself to the dogs, i cant take it back, i dont play im sorry, over and over, im off your stage nut, im on my own, just because someone is no good, im like what no good , shame on me, for being lost, your madness didn't do this, its my lazy out come

[@poloparker0420]

Duh But not all breeds are likeable or accepted and tolerated. Some places even completely ban certain types of dogs due to their undesirable traits and inability to coexist in an acceptable manner. We should be able to expect more out of a human......please don't attempt to normalize their behavior.

[@kathiejl1]

I am a dog trainer and I disagree with your statement about all dog breeds not having the same innate characteristics. They do in fact All have innate Canine Behaviors but diverge in having additional special attributes pertaining to each breed. But I do agree with we are all animals and can be dominant or submissive and have basic innate human behaviors but because of our advanced brain every single human interprets events in our lives differently which affects our emotional responses. And that’s where it gets complex.

[@Ivan-bf2jx]

Great thoughts on the Origins of Narcissism👍🏻 Yes they are immature, stuck somewhere in childhood. As a defence mechanism they mastered managing impressions, they can be very charming and convincing- master manipulators and very accomplished liers 🎭 Fake.

[@killadjango6995]

bingo!💯🎯

[@tonihendrix6652]

Dr Carter, Once again, thank you! You just shed a ton of light upon my poor mother. She is, in every aspect, the woman you described-grievously wounded from a child. My father was the same but is no longer living. I have always had huge empathy for them both. My problem is my inability to deal any longer with my elderly mother’s rages, accusations and scarring my name with my children and others. The stress level when with her has become painful. I have finally gone no contact but because of her agedness, and my continued love for her, it really is hard. Your wealth of wisdom is so appreciated! I need help!

[@tonihendrix6652]

@Esther I am so sorry, Esther. I pray we will both be healed by the Lord whose love never fails.

[@CaptainPhilosophical]

When I repeat my truth and restate my boundaries multiple times a day and Narcissa continue to insert her narrative about how I think, feel, what motivates me, what I should be ashamed of, how I am inadequate, I have several conclusion options: 1. You hear me, understand, but choose to do it anyway. 2. You hear me, understand, but have unconscious motives driving you to communicate to your loved ones in this manner. Unresolved childhood rearing. 3. You hear me don't understand.

[@karolemcaninch6495]

Oh Dr Carter. I hope you realize how valuable you are to us, your adopted family of survivors/thrivers. We are so blessed to have you helping us! I speak for myself, but I honestly really need your weekly messages. Thank you so much!

[@karolemcaninch6495]

For being a man of integrity, honesty, wisdom, and insight. Consistently. You give men a good name.❤

[@karolemcaninch6495]

Thanks "dad"!

[@karolemcaninch6495]

Got understanding us !

[@karolemcaninch6495]

For..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind, thank you.

[@kristenpichler8024]

Excellent video. I ended my relationship with my narcissist friend six months ago, but have continued to wonder why he behaves as he does AND whether growing his self-awareness could prompt him to change. But I see now that the behaviors are just too deeply ingrained. My time and energy continues to be better spent elsewhere.

[@KoolT]

They rarely rarely change. Maturity stunted. Selfish and screamers.

[@miss_whipps]

The last sentence of your comment is beautifully empowering, and it rang like a bell in my head! Yes, yes, yes! 👏❤️

[@deborahlea5669]

Thank you for explaining the Narc however the damage they do is deplorable for everybody around them.

[@killadjango6995]

true💯💯🎯

[@christinelaford8449]

I find it quite interesting in thinking back; Just how hard I was always the one pouring out the thoughts of how I felt: whether was in a simple note, a multi page letter, my journals, etc. I was far from the healthy one...& surely not blameless, however, I question now those in my life, that failed to recognize my attempts to progress to any healthy type of relationship...when i was obviously trying to get to. But instead, I was always seen as the villain...& most others (eventually) saw themselves as the heroic victors in the end...& lacking all accountability for whatever went wrong. Who's really the toxic one in that???? I consciously reflect on my own part played in the consequences of my life...& those that can't; Well.... Thanks Dr. Carter. I always appreciate your videos. :)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for sharing this, Christine.

[@Left-is-right-8192]

In my experience many people know they are behaving in a way .. they just don’t know that way is wrong and damaging. The world gives them out “out” with language. For example, they’re persuasive, not manipulative or controlling. They kind of know .. but I don’t always think they know how bad it really is, because it’s all they know.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make sense.

[@GrantOakes]

Thank you SOOOOOO MUCH for this insight into the narcissist background. It has given me a lot more compassion for what the people I've been dealing with have evidently gone through and why they are acting that way. I have pity on them now.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!!

[@tranquility9325]

I don't pity monsters.

[@ElsieDee001]

I was never good enough for him, no matter what I did. He would go into these high-pitched, whiny temper tantrums, complete with grimacing facial contortions and stopping around. He wanted me to be perfect. He sure wasn’t.

[@CaptainPhilosophical]

Using inspiration from this video I texted the following to my partner, "We have some adjustments that need to be made. I know that there are times I respond poorly and I frustrate you and myself. Let's go inside ourselves and take a hard look and try to fix some poor conflict strategies we posess. I look forward to the growth that will result. When can we talk about the areas we have identified in ourselves and hopefully make improvements?" I expect zero response.

[@slightlysarcastic3098]

This video came right on time after having a crazy making day with an emotionally immature parent. Two separate phone conversations and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. That person is in contol mode right now during a family matter after being nonchalant for weeks.

[@MKCarol-ms7lg]

WOW! This really clarified some things for me. My mother was kidnapped at age 6 and was quite traumatized by it; however when she was returned home 2 years later the family treated it as a non-issue, just a part of history. She did have one moment of contact with the original feeling when at age 55 at her father's deathbed she 'met' the man who took her. I learned the real trauma of the experience through her reaction to him. Sadly, her trauma became our family's curse.

[@alpersungur6979]

This is what I needed to know. Unconscious or not, I have my boundaries, they can be baffled and presumably ask better questions to grow out of their inmaturity, or not. It just does not feel good with these people, that is the acid test. But my mind nerded to have this question answered for more of my own resolve. Thank you Dr.

[@noidreculse8906]

Your videos are excellent and explain clearly the narcissists behavior. Unfortunately two things: There’s no hope of reasoning, and for me, I seem too attract these types of people. It’s sad, because the problem is them, and they can’t see it and you won’t be able to explain it. Just run at the first sign, your boundaries won’t be respected, EVER

[@angeleye4253]

The problem might be them but it does become u r problem if u keep attracting them. Remember they sniff out good, kind, loyal, forgiving ppl. U become a human magnet for them.

[@noidreculse8906]

@@angeleye4253 I know and it’s a battle. My empathy is my weakness and offering second chances is my downfall. Thanks for your reply.

[@harmonizedigital.]

I don't like when they contact me after not speaking to me for years acting as if there were not decades of abuse. Its like they just don't get it.

[@fred.k9875]

Okay, yes Doc I get it, when I watching these videos for second or third time every thing sinks in, and I watch them later for maintenance.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Fred, I so appreciate how you are in the growth process...I respect that.

[@fred.k9875]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you Doc and Gus and team healthy for making it possible!

[@masquarra]

11:08 Dr C I did, quite foolishly I might add, and the narcissist verbally leveled me. I regretted being so energetic and hopeful only to see the anger and accusations aimed at me. I quickly learned my lessons

[@trying2survive602]

Dr. C, thank you so much!! It is because of your videos and the videos of others like you that I was able to contact a lawyer and I served him separation papers a few weeks ago!!❤

[@michelleburstrom2548]

I have watched many of your video in the last year and I get something positive to work with in every one of them but this video spoke right to my heart and completed some understanding that we’re not fully developed for me. Thank you so much for the assistance you provide. 😊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome, Michelle.

[@Survivin2Thrivin]

💯 Dr C! Also, for my situation, this is great timing for you to post this today. I'd come to the conclusion that the narcissist I must deal with most frequently isn't in charge of herself. She self-sabotages her relationships but I've watched her face after she does it and realized she's out of control. However, a narc is a narc & I must self-protect so I can't allow myself to be her victim. My head's held high & my boundaries around her are high too. If she ever decides she needs to change that's good for her. Hope she gets help from a qualified mh professional, it may help her as she lives out her twilight years. I still hope to be long gone from her presence beforehand though.

[@robbrewer2036]

Make shore your long gone ,more to life than that crap you did not cause.

[@BlessedJess-q3d]

Thank you Dr. Carter. I signed up for all your 3 online classes... but havent complete them, but will surely do so. Thank you very much for what you are doing here weekly. Really appreciate your work here. Take good care and blessed weekend to you and your loved ones. I am from Malaysia.

[@TTCberlin]

Minute 11.00 😅 Thank you Dr. C! Yes I’ve tried. For 10 yrs. Nobody home, just the narcissistic facade telling me to „let him“ or starting to blame shift..

[@SR-bw3sc]

Truly appreciate your professional advice here; and also appreciate that in just a short amount of time, 14 min (give or take) you provide much guidance & support. With admiration & deep gratitude, 🙏❤️

[@grammamellow1219]

Dr C. My guy attempted another fast one today..I told him we had plans. He is so dillisional. It really is exhausting explaining to an adult how to adult over and over and over again .. Kids involved. I can grey rock and co parent like a mofo..this guy over here watched me do it for 20 plus years..you would think he caught on ..I am pretty consistent. These folks are nuts.

[@whoiamhowilive]

Thanks for your comment. It's validating

[@and1varsity23]

Dr. C, Can you talk to the matter of a female covert narcissists who is aware her mother is one… knows all the psych terms and uses them, but is unaware of her behavior?

[@emmbee1551]

This was SUCH a good video and was super helpful for me. While watching, I was literally (and strongly) agreeing with each point. Dr. Carter is extremely insightful and his information is spot on! Thank you for your insights, doc. They are very beneficial. I also LOVE the fact that you always find a way to mention/remind how we can be improving ourselves along the way. 💛

[@lorettaenglerth1361]

Thank you Dr Carter for explaining in this video, exactly what I have been trying to put into words for years, concerning my husband’s behavior, he is a narcissist. As well as , most of his family members, more seemingly acting like a “Cult”.

[@beckyengland7164]

Bingo, sir. This resonates off the charts with my experiences with this person in my life.

[@paulpolymath]

It's all a choice they make again and again, evil is a choice and they choose evil.

[@balto8111]

Been asking myself this question for quite some time, thank you for raising it.

[@sonia-lu2rn]

I’ve listened and read couture hours about narcissism in order to come to some sort of understanding of the behaviour of my parents. This succinct discussion about suppression, repression and arrested development was very helpful and seemed to put the pieces all together. Thank you.

[@sonia-lu2rn]

‘Countless’ not couture. Lol

[@CTHou13]

It may be primarily unconscious, but the unfathomable part is that once you pointed out to them, it remains unconscious. I’ve never seen anything like it. No introspective, no willingness to change, no correction to behaviors or actions that are hurtful or detrimental to the relationships. They just double down and continue down the destructive selfish path path. This makes it hard to believe it’s actually unintentional.

[@alexandraalmanzar570]

I tried to have a conversation with my narcissist about the things that bothered me and that I did not understand and every single time she said that I was at fault. Everything was pointless.

[@bineschiff2270]

So true!!!! I just realized my mom is a narcissist in a therapy session today! All new!! Long journey ahead😮 I thank you so much!

[@darbydonaho536]

Discussion is impossible! What I feel what I must do is to remove myself from the situation. Bowing out gracefully is my only tactic. I leave him with his narcissistic ways to be dealt with by his wife and my ninety year old mother.

[@LeanAndMean44]

I have thought about this quite a lot. I think they must have developed it actively, consciously at some point, or at least have been aware what the became, assuming their mind is otherwise similar to normal people‘s. Maybe there a few exceptions, where they were narcissistic since childhood and never knew anything else. Still, I would ask why they haven’t noticed why such a mindset is not necessary or useful for many other people.