Never Date Anyone Without These Green Flags!!

• Top 5 Overlooked Datin...
Everyone is obsessed with searching for RED flags, we've forgotten about the green flags that we need to see in any partner we date! Green flags like humility, kindness to strangers, consistency, capacity for vulnerability and intimacy, ability to repair conflicts, empathy, these are the green flags that we tend to think are going above and beyond but it turns out these are essentials to a safe, healthy relationship!
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
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#datingadvice #redflags #datingtips

[@JimmyonRelationships]

My Cat joke wasn’t fair, they can be very lovable 😂 Sorry my feline friends!

[@danielar3716]

😄😄

[@shannonluck5066]

All in good fun! 🤣

[@TheYangnyin]

Very lovable. No love for cats then no love for me

[@cherrylane79]

Cats can be more loving than some humans.

[@kdeest9925]

I've had many cats and many dogs in my life and I can say BOTH make wonderful furry friends🥰

[@Mama.bear.]

“The best apology is changed behavior.” 🤯

[@a.b.2850]

“Changing behaviour” can be tricky though. Some will weaponize this. Be aware.

[@Mama.bear.]

@@a.b.2850 True!

[@Avery_4272]

@@a.b.2850 I understand your point. Maybe it should be tweaked to: "The best apology is a lasting change in behavior."

[@Janedoe74756]

Communication Accountability Empathy Vulnerability Celebrates your wins (without taking credit) Growth Mindset Sees you as an equal/respects boundaries/respects others Trustworthy Independence/Purpose in their life Flexible/appreciates life And of course, if they like dogs Don’t just read this comment, watch the video it’s really good!

[@alycewich4472]

I did and thank you for writing it down for us.

[@ThePublicHealthHeaux]

This is a great list! It’s not mononormative either.

[@M.m222]

This is a great comment 🔥🔥✊🏾

[@RavenzFlight]

This is quilt helpful, thank you.

[@priyankadeyray243]

U r kind fr saying the last line

[@TheRockInnRobin]

A big one I learned yesterday is that truth should never be used as a weapon. That hit home.

[@chippychick6261]

I dated a couples psychologist briefly. In our first disagreement he used a vulnerable share against me. That was a clear message.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@chippychick6261 That's the cruelest irony I've ever heard of. I'm so sorry that happened to you. :(

[@BlinkinFirefly]

Wow...I really like that one.

[@stephbyerly9491]

​@@chippychick6261therapists are definitely not perfect! Using your own vulnerable shares against you is a HUGE red flag! First couples therapist with my ex couldn't see who he was at all, actually took his side against me, which is not at all what they're supposed to do (remain neutral). The second one was very experienced and saw right through his narcissism but he was balanced about it even then. I didn't know this until years later when his wife (also a therapist) was counselor to me and my new partner. I said can you ask your husband if he knew was ex was a cheater and a liar? She came back and told me "oh yes, he knew 100%."

[@amanitamuscaria7500]

jeez, yes. That's a good one.

[@janetm6325]

I wish I could have learned this at 18. I'm glad to have seen this at 65, LOL.

[@teresataylor8509]

I understand what you mean. I'm 57 and could have done with hearing this at 18 too

[@Luxurymoneysimplified]

I'm 20+. You guys will be fine. Trust me, the mindset if very powerful. If you guys believe you can, then you can.💯

[@victoryamartin9773]

I've never learned these things. I hope this old dog isn't too old to learn new tricks.

[@CeciledeLuire]

you're 65 ? 😲 You look SO pretty and much younger!!

[@Luxurymoneysimplified]

@@victoryamartin9773 Don't call yourself an old dog😕 You're not too young, trust me. Besides,you don't even seem that "old" in your profile picture 😅

[@IrisAsuras]

So, when I was watching videos from psychologists who specialize in narcissism, one talked about how narcissists will be animal lovers, particularly dogs because dogs adore their humans. Love of an animal is not necessarily a green flag. I dated two abusive men who loved animals.

[@dorenandsara]

I do agree although I have noticed that the narcissists in my family currently do not have pets. They each had a dog a long time ago who was the best dog that ever was and reject any other pets entering their lives. No other dog can be good enough and cats do not worship them.

[@vernettabaker2362]

I had an ex who loves dogs I guess it's cos they give unconditional love no matter how good or bad they treat them an endless supply for a narc 😂

[@Annie-td9zz]

Exactly !! Had a friend tell me it was a great sign that he had a dog …nope!

[@K.C-2049]

@@vernettabaker2362 bro I have so many questions about modern dog ownership because of this. like we have working dog breeds with no purpose or job in our houses to the point where they can't even go to the bathroom without us and call it "love"? when I used to house sit dogs for work, as a lifelong cat person, I found it kind of weird how obsessed the dogs were with me, and would regularly tell them (jokingly, but not at the same time) that they needed to get a life lol I like how cats have their own weird little lives.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

"Love of an animal is not necessarily a green flag." ESPECIALLY dogs, because they're easily manipulated. My worst relationships have been with dog lovers/owners.

[@brunocromia]

Ironically, all my absolute worst relationships were with extreme dog people. I ended up realising that they liked their dogs because they were a source of supply, control and validation, but they didn’t actually cared enough to groom, and take genuine care of them. I also realised they kinda viewed me as a loyal puppy too. And once I started showing my own personality, goals, wants and desires, they punished me as if I was a bad mannered dog…

[@cornwallismorgan874]

My dog-nutter ex threatened to spray me with the spray bottle that she sprays her dogs with when they misbehave. Also honestly expected me to react to her the way a dog would. She ended up dumping me because she couldn't control me the way she did her dogs.

[@ElvenSkywalker]

Yes, the whole “loving animals equates with being great people” thing is really childish black & white thinking. Almost everyone has a dog or cat and they aren’t all nice people 🤷‍♀️

[@alexandreayoung7920]

Yeah, my narcissistic ex was a cat lover. His cats were extensions of himself.

[@crimsontech0000]

That makes a lot of sense. I briefly dated someone who (correctly) identified me as a people pleaser who he could control. It’s so obvious and sick looking back at it. I felt this sense the entire time that he was actively trying to gain full control over me. Fortunately I snapped out of it and got away from him after 2 months. One of the big red flags was that he had a little tiny breed of dog and when he got drunk (daily), he would be aggressive with the dog. The poor thing would sleep on my side, probably hoping I would protect him. I’m not really a dog person due to some trauma from my younger days but I’m getting better now that I understand why.

[@ezogh3826]

I guess the thing is though is that I would argue they don’t really love these animals. If they did they would treat them better too. It seems to me that most people treat other animals with less respect; humans have a history of believing they’re better than other animals (so much so that we don’t even call ourselves animals, despite the fact WE ARE), that we deserve to use other animals however we please, treat them as lesser etc.

[@advaithareddy2763]

"I'm sorry I hurt you. That wasn't my intention. But I care about how my words and actions affect you." is the perfect "Sorry" response! Does anyone else feel like its litterally impossible to get anyone to say and think that way?

[@Alan-lb8ef]

I think it would come across better without using the word "but", it can diminish what you said before.

[@Avery_4272]

Yes, very few people understand and know how to speak genuine apologies, even though it's easy enough to learn about how to do it, as there are some good experts who've written and talked about it. Instead, they speak various versions of non-apologies. Many people who won't apologize see apologizing as something which would rob them of their already shaky sense of self-worth or sense of power.

[@lisinbondi1240]

Biggest green flags. 1 kids were properly comfortable with him and 2 3 weeks in we were sitting on the back step discussing if we should be worried about being so comfortable and relaxed. Not love bombed just relaxed. We are 28 years in now and we are still relaxed and on the same side

[@gypsygirl6010]

This was huge. I spent the first 6 months waiting for the other shoe to drop as it had in other relationships. I realized with this guy, I was more relaxed WITH him than when he wasn't around. One year in and we've never had one argument! 🎉

[@patrickbonham949]

Arguments are at times part of most relationships it's normal,and both can grow and learn from them ☺️​@@gypsygirl6010

[@Sunbeam_4_Jesus]

I was married to a covert narcissist who had no problem admitting when he was wrong or saying sorry. Problem was, he was only saying it to keep me hooked so that I would stay but he clearly had no intention of changing his behavior. Overtime he kept adapting it to play his mind game better. Tears, love bombing, telling me he had truly seen and understood his errors and it was followed by a couple weeks of “good behavior”, ultimately he would fall back into his verbal, emotional and sometimes physical violence. So apologies for hurting your partner and admission to wrong doing isn’t always a green flag. Discernment is needed. ❤️🙏🏼

[@kittylemew]

I know this to be true! This particular flag of emotional vulnerability applies to Grandiose Narcissists, but the more insidious Covert Narcissists pull you in with their one sided tales of woe. They activates a woman's mothering instinct and you are bonded to him as you seek to heal his pain with your lavish love and attention.

[@theladyamalthea]

100%! This was my experience, as well!

[@Cookiedesigns254]

This is true! I learned that communication is also ammunition for a narcissist to use to keep you gaslit and manipulated by using what you’re communicating to them against you. As long as I listen to the way I feel, I won’t even communicate. I just ghost and narcissists who thrive on gaslighting you NEED you to “communicate” so they know how to flip the script. Once you stop communicating, their games can’t work!

[@avianna7738]

It’s a green flag *if* it’s true. Lying about truly being sorry and not actually doing something to fix the offense is just lying. Red flag.

[@reneecaines9097]

That's why the only sorry you accept is changed behavior.

[@RodeoDogLover]

I went on a date with a guy and when he picked me up at my door my dog didn’t like him. My dog likes EVERYONE. I did go on that date, and it turn out my dog was 100% correct!

[@melissaj.corbin7675]

Absolutely! Same thing happened with me and my Golden Retriever.

[@stealthwarrior5768]

I've had a similar experience

[@amanitamuscaria7500]

excellent! I never trusted anyone my Lab didn't like. Well done you for trusting your dog.

[@gabrielamiki83]

Exactly! Been there... a narcissist could never endure the torture of your cat ignoring you cuz the cat doesn`t feel like it right now... lol.

[@glasgowbeck]

Justin Bieber song, "My Dog Don't Like You And He Likes Everyone"

[@rachelhayhurst-mason7846]

Three things I really like about Jimmy on Relationships: 1: Your profile pic includes your wife. 2: Your advice is broader in scope than other channels. 3: Your sense of humour is hilarious! 😂

[@burnyizland]

4(which is actually #1 for me): He exudes compassion.

[@mariarusek1851]

and likes dogs

[@rachelhayhurst-mason7846]

@@burnyizland 💖

[@rachelhayhurst-mason7846]

@@mariarusek1851 🤣

[@Christian-gb8zf]

Unfunny people need love too 🥲

[@ricardajames5769]

Your jokes about pets are actually true. I experienced a bad relationship and realized it was bad because my dog didn't like him AT ALL. I got rid of him. Best thing I ever did. ❤️ Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏 ❤

[@aazhie]

Dogs read us almost entirely on emotions. If anything, your dog knew your feelings, and theirs before you did!

[@sandrab1189]

I had a Chihuahua that would hide behind me when my then-boyfriend would come in the room. Dogs can certainly be a good judge of character.

[@angieblake3424]

I agree! My ex was so jealous of my cat and actually get me an ultimatum- I either had to choose him or the cat. Given that he made my life a living hell and made me cry and the fact that I love cats, guess who I chose?? 😻

[@GellaHumbug59]

@@angieblake3424 The moment a person declares “You have to choose: Me or your pets,” I can tell them they are wrong-choosing implies that I would have to think about it.

[@amandakesterson224]

@@GellaHumbug59yeah if you make me chose between you and someone who is not violent/emotionally manipulative, I'm always dumping the person giving the ultimatum.

[@peaceloveandunderstanding]

"the best apology is changed behavior"...that hit really hard.

[@annahappen7036]

Jimmy, you just officially set yourself above a majority of KZbin therapists and coaches with this one. 👏 They are helpful but no one is talking near enough about what to look for and what a good relationship actually looks like. It's just what not to choose, to do, to accept, to mistake for love. But those of us with CPTSD and other relationship set backs, we desperately need to know what the real thing looks and feels like because our love detectors are so broken. Bravo!!!!! 💖

[@MT-tx7bu]

Great observations, especially the part about the love detectors. Learning to see things with honest eyes and an honest heart helps both partners.

[@Neknee88]

Agreed

[@wittymystic7361]

You hit the nail on the head! Those of us with CPTSD have often been so messed with in this area. We were told to ignore our feelings. And while I've had many therapists condemn me for making bad choices, not a single one offered me tools to make a better choice. All they said was to look for red flags, which usually didn't pop up until later in the connection after a bond had been created and was difficult to sever.

[@ralucasanduofficial]

Look also into Amy Kerr's work. Her videos are gold on healthy dating structure. Sorry Jimmy for promoting others here😅 your work is amazing and very on point every time.

[@Bruno-tm3xo]

One detail…..he is not a therapist……just another snake oil,doctor

[@mammajamma4397]

I've never had an example of healthy relationships in my life, so I've been STRUGGLING to identify green flags in my romantic relationships. After watching this I've realized that the man I'm with has all these green flags and that makes me really happy 😊

[@fleurpeffer5212]

Thats wonderful!!

[@amakanwosu2764]

Love it¡!!!!!! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

[@sapnapaul5430]

There's a Chinese drama, "You are my glory", which really gives beautiful insight into what a healthy loving relationship looks like. Highly recommend watching it.

[@RM-jm4ku]

Aww that's so good to hear! Happy for you!😊

[@strekozkaplays]

Most cats I've known have cared very deeply for their humans and were very social. I've also seen something about how if someone dislikes cats they just don't like others' boundaries - cats have clear boundaries and respect themselves. A narcissist would be a chihuahua - who wants all the loves and pretends to like you, until their fears and feelings of inadequacy suddenly get triggered and they will attack their own favorite person.

[@aligensa]

OMG that's so true.

[@thrill102]

🤣

[@neuralmelody4459]

Completely agree ❤

[@emilymorfin909]

I was about to comment myself about the cats/respect for boundaries connection, glad someone beat me to it!

[@DW-yo4eb]

There's something vile in a man who really hates cats. A guy doesn't have to like them, but if he hates them, watch oit!

[@ashiff7781]

"What happened to us isn't our fault...but healing from that is our own responsibility" ❤ Thankyou to put the struggle and frustration in to perspective 🎉🎉

[@nixm9093]

I learned this as a teen. Everyone should, it's empowering.

[@EC-xc9gy]

I so appreciate that this indicates acknowledging and validating the experience *before* taking responsibility. I was told as a young adult that my actions were my responsibility, while my experience was waved off as inconsequential. Getting validation so I could start to move out of damaged patterns took another thirty years.

[@catabat49654]

I wish I could tattoo that phrase onto some people’s foreheads 🥴

[@cece9770]

There’s so much truth here. Jimmy, you need to be doing TED talks, and reaching a wider audience.

[@favored6007]

Agreed 💯

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Agreed! I'd love to see a TED talk from him!

[@johanna77777]

Ted is dead

[@gwendodarose5889]

Jimmy has 174,000 views on this one -- that's a pretty BIG audience I'd say!😊

[@JH-xh6gn]

You clearly have never had a cat! Cats are very knowing & particular about who they love & trust...you have to have green flags...then you get supreme love ❤

[@yamlwoz]

My mother is great at 'apologising' for things so that people will grovel all over her, reassuring her that she didn't do anything wrong. She laps up their humility as she sits on her virtual throne with an evil glint of joy in her eye. Don't always believe people who apologise, that can be weaponised as well 😢

[@edennis8578]

I agree. An apology alone means nothing. What matters is, do they change the behavior? Or in your example, is the apology real? Fake apologies over things they didn't do takes the cake.

[@hiddenechoes]

I had an interesting partner who would never tell me he was sorry, but would genuinely change his behaviour. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but it was really informative and interesting.

[@yamlwoz]

@@hiddenechoes that's really good. The change matters more than the apology IMHO. Though of course both would be better.

[@andrealewis2501]

That almost sounds like this person couldn't handle facing their mistake or didn't want the confrontation and so they just decided to change because it was easier for them. I don't know for sure but that's what it makes me think of. 😊​@@hiddenechoes

[@chiaraA.]

the growth mindset is the most important thing for me that I only recently considered that tons of people don't live this way

[@nixm9093]

I didn't realise there was a name for it until a few years back, after I ended a good 7 year relationship because he just wasnt growth minded and I outgrew that.

[@anneyoung2310]

"We prioritize what we value." Holding out for that!

[@NijiTime]

I just had to break up with someone I gave my heart to for 5 years. And less than two minutes into this video I started crying because everything you started listing (hot and cold, if I feel prioritized and respected, if I am scared to be honest with him with how I feel) had been my reality for at least* two years. But I had convinced myself somehow it was my fault, that I could fix it all. That it was me. Even asking to be treated like at least a friend over the past few months was "too much to ask for." Thank you. This video was so important to me. All of your shorts had helped me figure out that I hadnt been being treated like a friend or even a partner anymore.

[@RaelynnHaughian]

It’s super important to be asking ourselves am I doing all these things? It’s easy to point out everyone else’s flaws vs seeing our own. I’m working on me post a break up, when I first watched this I listened to it looking at what my past partners have or haven’t done and how I do want these things. I realized though working on me is asking, am I doing these things? What do I need to do to do them? Why am I not doing them? The relationship we have with ourselves sets the standard for how we let others treat us.

[@TamaraSL]

Thank you.

[@alnsubuga]

100% agree!

[@marykatepicard3065]

Exactly

[@andrea.w211]

100% very wise!

[@Katrn30]

You are on the wrong video…victims of narcissistic people are constantly blaming themselves, so your comment applies more to the narcissist. What those of us who survive these monsters need to do is learn how to create boundaries, not examine our behaviour any further. We need to learn how to gain self esteem, and learn how to avoid narcissists in the future.

[@kaizen_5091]

Game changer! Often, as a result of trauma, a person will become hypervigilant and look for red flags to navigate their way to a safe person or space. This can become a very destructive symptom of trauma and if we replaced looking for red flags with green flags I believe this could truly help calm the nervous system down and focus on positivity whilst still helping find that safe person or space.

[@kathiejl1]

I agree! This is the first time I’ve watched a “narcissist “ video and actually felt a calm kind of 🤔 well that’s interesting. Instead of feeling like crying.

[@justacoginthefkery]

Absolutely agreed! Another thing ppl don't think about & is rarely mentioned is the element of confirmation bias... IE what you think of, you become subconsciously primed to find. It's the same concept as how social media algorithms work. If you go into every interaction already believing everyone is a walking red flag, you're going to find reasons to confirm that belief while rejecting any information that opposes it. I think this is partly what drives much of the hyper-use of the narcissist/ toxic label these days. I know when my ex had been freshly diagnosed & I started learning more about the disorder, I got a bit freaked out because I was seeing red flags in everyone, all the time. I wouldn't let myself trust anyone new because I thought everyone I spoke to was narcissistic. It wasn't until I found an article about how confirmation bias can play with your head that I realized what was happening. I was able to see things more clearly & started delving into the nuances of spotting the flags instead of reacting. Not too long ago, I heard someone say their therapist told them to "assume every man you date is a narcissist until proven otherwise". I couldn't help but think "well that sounds horribly irresponsible & a recipe for cycles of self-sabotage."

[@queenprotein]

I think i need to listen to this one every day until it sinks in.

[@alycewich4472]

Me too.

[@gracesellars4568]

Same

[@Racekelly9]

Actually not liking cats is a HUGE red flag! Cats have boundaries, show that the person has problems respecting boundaries ;)

[@SENSEF]

👏 People who like cats can handle people who say no or need alone time.

[@emilymorfin909]

A relationship with a cat takes effort, and anyone who isn't interested in a relationship that takes work isn't someone who will put in the work with you to be healthy together.

[@monikabennett]

I don’t like cats because they shit in the house, their shit had parasites in it to the point pregnant women shouldn’t empty litterboxes, they smell mark furniture, scratch furniture or woodwork, and murder like 6-10 birds per night if they escape and go outside. Super not cute creatures

[@OrionOlamPiksie]

Allergies exist . Though i like cats.

[@tricialafrancerougas]

I don’t like them solely based on not just personal experience of them peeing on personal items but also being in hundreds of homes for work and seeing that it wasn’t just my house growing up! It doesn’t matter if it’d be dogs, cats, humans, etc… if you are constantly finding something to pee & poop on like my bed, pillow, carpet, and whatnot, I don’t like you 🤣

[@miriamcarr2620]

Problem with "feeling safe" is I have no idea how that feels. I was never safe with my parents and have never had a safe partner. I have never been in a safe relationship - I don't seem to have the capacity to feel safe.

[@theladyamalthea]

This is a SUPER important point. I’m currently in a support group for women who are in or were in abusive relationships, and one lady in the group says it’s her current healthy relationship that actually makes her feel weird. She doesn’t know how to be, and in her words, “it freaks me out.” When we grow up in toxicity, our brains become wired that way, and bad behaviours will feel normal, while healthy ones will feel scary. I have found it helpful to withdraw from almost every relationship in my life while I detox. I also read about psychology, so that I can begin to have knowledge of what healthy is supposed to be. It is re-training my brain, and I AM starting to notice that my body feels very much at peace around certain safe people. But yeah, it takes practice.

[@maria-irocharokopou7376]

This hit a spot, it's my reality as well. I don't know what is safe place so that I can look for it or recognize it. Also because of that, I become extremely defensive towards all, demonizing them and picking up red flags constantly, as I foremost can not trust myself that I will ever pick a safe place.

[@kidkanoo]

@@theladyamaltheaI can relate to what you have written, I have recently met a man who seems really nice but I’m terrified of caring for him and I’m finding red flags and trying to push him away?! I just can’t trust and be comfortable.

[@theladyamalthea]

Everyone: Check out Monica Yearwood. She has tips on rebuilding self trust!

[@megansharp1646]

I have learned from my past that ‘safe’, to me, feels calm and even ‘boring’… and l now view the feeling of ‘butterflies’ and nervous energy as a warning sign rather than something to be excited about. If we listen to our bodies and have done/are doing the inner work- then our nervous system will tell us- with reasonable accuracy if rest and calm is right or if fight/flight is needed or triggered…

[@user-kp4xg3tc6x]

"And even if Ive never met you I really do care about you and I want you to be set up to have the most fulfilling relationship possible and some of that is becoming the right type of person and some of that is chosing the right type of person"

[@JDoe001]

I was in a couple of terrible relationships with people who used fake “humility” to manipulate a response of sympathy for themselves.

[@TheParanormalWitch111]

Same

[@elenayee3093]

Excellent metaphor referencing counterfeit money and spotting what's real

[@sammysuetoyou4324]

Cats too, they have to love cats...well, basically animals period. Good indicator of compassion.

[@isbalella]

That rules out 99% of the population then.

[@runr100]

True. Love of cats is a much better indicator than love of dogs because cats need you to be kind and respectful of boundaries or they won't stay around you.

[@OrionOlamPiksie]

Sometimes not.

[@fnffnchfhc154]

Some people love dogs because they can be very submissive and devoted even to bad people. If they hate cats that’s when you know there is a problem

[@dejavu333]

It is possible to have compassion for animals but not for humans.

[@MrCopierre]

This video came in such a specific moment. I just cut off someone because during our 2,5 weeks dating I felt something is off. All Jimmy says here I stood up for and in the end all the lack of honesty, strangeness, immaturity made me realise that I gotta run. I am happy to see that I am healing. ❤❤❤❤

[@alycewich4472]

Good. For. You!👍💪

[@diamondstarr7388]

Don't stay with someone who dismisses your emotions by accusing you of liking drama, laughs when you speak, or constantly interrupts when you try to address issues. This behavior is characteristic of a full-blown narcissist, who will stop at nothing to hurt, shame, and manipulate you. It's crucial to recognize these red flags and remove yourself from such a toxic situation. Narcissist are extremely disconnected!

[@Katrn30]

You are 100% correct!

[@janemarlo4978]

Having a "green flags talk" is just as helpful as warnings and red flags... because I (and a lot of us) don't know what healthy and respectful is... thanks Jimmy!

[@jollyscug]

the cat slander did make me sad :( i understand its a joke but i love cats and i feel a big connection to their displays of trust. cats are just as much loving, but they speak a different language that most dog lovers dont speak. i love both cats and dogs equally and in fact i hold all animals to a standard of being viewed in a good light. i get its a joke, a really common joke, but yowch.

[@JimmyonRelationships]

😂 I’m sorry! I love Cats too

[@jollyscug]

@@JimmyonRelationships thank you :)

[@grace.1123]

9:07 my ex used to question why I would follow therapists, self help channels, etc. on KZbin and read books and things about self help. He never saw it as a bright green flag about me and instead saw it as that I'm emotionally weak and need to depend and trust what other people say over, well, what he had to say (AKA which was always putting me down and saying I was emotionally selfish/excessive, condescending, and very often would tell me things I would do/say were 'annoying'). He literally never once came back from any conversation we had and would say something like "so I thought about what you said and..." it was only me ever doing the self-reflecting in the relationship, yet he always framed it that I was the one who wasn't in control of my emotions. I've been consistently going to therapy for 3 years now and it made me feel batshit crazy.

[@alycewich4472]

BIG RED FLAG! I too was in that sort of relationship and it took me several years to find a therapist that believed me and not him. Best decision I ever made. I WASN'T the crazy one. But it takes years to undo the damage. Sill working on it and, by the grace of God, getting much much better.

[@grace.1123]

@@alycewich4472 it was so baffling to me that he thought it was WEIRD that I was constantly trying to work on myself and grow as a person! Like you are literally weird if you think someone going to therapy is a negative thing!!

[@samex8275]

I’m sorry you went through that. He’s jealous that you’re actually bettering yourself and are responsible for yourself, which is something he wishes he could do.

[@davidsutliff8312]

I just discovered this guy and he is the BEST! He has the perfect mix of humor, compassion, and getting down to business when needed. And he really makes you feel like he's talking directly to you. Man I really wish I would have had this KZbin page many many years ago, could have saved me a lot of heartache!

[@margret2844]

This video will be on repeat for me. ❤❤❤. Feels like I need no other video/advice. ❤❤❤

[@dollypeeps]

Early on in a relationship say the word no and see how they react to it. Case in point I has plans with friends and said no I can’t and an ex threw a tantrum over it hence now the ex.

[@alycewich4472]

Good choice!

[@Katrn30]

I really wish I knew this very important tip when I was dating…it would have saved me a lot of heartache and drama!

[@rwe52496]

Man, this video started with me thinking about “does my partner have these”, but quickly went to “do I have these”? Thank you for making this, I think more than anything it has motivated me to reflect upon myself and what I can change ❤

[@oliverows]

These are great points. I would just like to remind myself that it doesn't take a nsrcissist to be a bad partner or have red flags. It's harder to discern whether your partner is good for you or not when they're not exactly toxic, just incompatible. I came in looking for green flags but I hear and see the word "narcissist" so often that it throws me off. I've been looking so hard for narcissism that I pass up the fact that most people are just normal and not everybody gets along. Much harder to break up with a good person (but unsuitable partner) than a person you've deemed to be a narcissist.

[@carolsherman9817]

I know this isnt related, but the fact that you are sitting in a room of live plants, tells me how grounded you are. 😂 seriously -nice talk.

[@alcy0ne1]

Narcs can love plants too, plus they're smart enough to know women do.... just like they know we love apologies, and animal lovers. Careful out there!

[@amethyst0ne]

i dated a "plant guy" using this logic, turned out to be a nightmare very fast

[@alcy0ne1]

@@amethyst0ne Plant narcs be using their dark narc magic on us.

[@JIF930]

JIMMY HANDS DOWN IS THE BEST!! There are other KZbin videos with male "therapists" telling women to adjust THEIR behavior to accommodate the damaged man. WHAT???? Crazy if you listen to them. A grown woman shouldn't have to coddle, baby, and tiptoe around a grown man!! Ummm, 🤪

[@diilouise]

If I am looking for and seeing red flags, it's already gone too far. I like the idea of looking for green flags and not simply getting swept along. It is my responsibility, after all.

[@PatriciaMartin-gp2zq]

My high school students in Psychology class love your work! Thank you for your talent!

[@Just_Hearts_NYC]

P.s. i’ve had better relationships with cats than I have with a lot of people. I have loved my cats so much my last cat Sabrina died last year i still cry for her and miss her every day 💔❤️‍🩹😭My cats have loved me back more than my parents ever did, they were both narcissist so believe me when I tell you, cats are not mean they just are picky 😢😔😻

[@user-wh9sv7nd2y]

Geeze, this guy has a lot of plants! Ahah...it is green flag video ;D Thank you. For someone who has difficulty with listening to abstract ideas, giving examples of things people say or do is very helpful and relatible.

[@jenniferfuertes2668]

He has often talked about how they are his wife's plants... or emotional support plants maybe! Lol

[@humaneleaguelancPA]

YES!!

[@kylieg23]

My toxic ex LITERALLY had a chihuahua😂😂😂 it explains SO MUCH! Should’ve seen the “no existence of green flags” Now I’m with someone I’ve been with for 7 years now. No big conflicts, cuddle every night, we are so close cuz we are so open with each other❤️ we feel safe explaining any feelings and are extremely happy❤️

[@HeyAnnabell]

This is wonderful! Just this morning I was thinking about how I’m not going to focus on red flags, instead I was going to prioritize the green flags and my must haves. Everyone is a red flag. Until someone who has all the most important green flags comes around, I’m not interested.

[@SisterSustain]

The part about how the person is around other people, their friends, etc…this is a little tricky with a covert narcissist in that they are very good at portraying themselves as someone very different socially than with their intimate partner. I was amazed at how well my covert narcissist partner (once I was emotionally and physically invested) was able to remain so calm and agreeable in certain conversations and situations with his friends. He seemed so caring. I concluded that you don’t have to be in Hollywood to be a great actor. I will most likely pay attention to the other green flags that Jimmy mentions.

[@selfloveroadmap]

awwww all the people here being super judgemental about whether someone likes dogs or not, or if they’re comfortable with dogs. here is an idea, how about withholding immediate judgement about someone’s affinity with animals, whether positive judgement or negative judgement, and simply getting to know someone without rushing to judge them? 😌

[@OTOWMovingAndGrooving]

Spot on about dogs, Jimmy. I've got a sweet Labradoodle. My ex disliked my dog from day 1, had me lock her up whenever he came over. Huge red flag. There were lots of other warning signs too. I ignored them. Luckily, I opened my eyes after six weeks. Ran in the opposite direction. Btw, your videos are some of my favorites. So very helpful. Thank you!

[@shannonluck5066]

I don't think you're right about cats 😮 They are just more independent... loving and attached... I love dogs too but they need more attention 🎉 Amazing how cats and dogs cuddle up and love each other in a loving family ❤ Jimmy your podcasts are fun and lovely! Thanks for your work... 🙏

[@jenster29]

They can cuddle up to you and without warning scratch you hard. They're narcs 😂

[@Karlien68]

​@@jenster29😂🤣🤪

[@Dice-Z]

@@jenster29 Cats never scratch for no reason or without warning. You're just terrible at noticing the warning signs.

[@angelascott9818]

I agree, and I'm sure he intends the dog rant in good fun. 😂 To me the healthier green flag is if they can be kind/ polite to animals and people they aren't exactly crazy about. Also, do they actually love anything or anyone in a sacrificial and pure manner besides themselves?

[@dealingwithdane]

Watching and realizing how many red flags I made excuses for and accepted from my ex. 🥺 Lesson learned. And realizing how many times he was steering our conversations/experiences down a toxic, unhealthy path. Accountable for my part in not setting boundaries sooner and knowing my value. Thank you for all the wisdom and advice, Jimmy.

[@hotrodgirlie7028]

You reassure me that at 46 I’m in the first truly healthy relationship in my life. I got in this relationship before I found your videos. When I started watching and you were talking about the setting down of boundaries and deal breakers with each other at the beginning. And checking in with each other regularly to make sure ALL of each other’s needs are being met it felt like you were using my relationship as an example. I hit subscribe and watch your videos to start making sure that I’m keeping what we should be doing to stay healthy fresh in my mind. I am so glad I found a good relationship and that I found you to not only help me stay on track in my healthy relationship but also that I deserve it. So Thank you ❤

[@RaelynnHaughian]

This had me thinking/realizing It’s super important to be asking ourselves am I doing all these things? It’s easy to point out everyone else’s flaws vs seeing our own. I’m working on me post a break up, when I first watched this I listened to it looking at what my past partners have or haven’t done and how I do want these things. I realized though working on me is asking, am I doing these things? What do I need to do to do them? Why am I not doing them? The relationship we have with ourselves sets the standard for how we let others treat us.

[@alycewich4472]

🎯💯

[@Dice-Z]

Yes absolutely. Most people will watch that video and think "yeah! i gotta get all that love and respect and admiration and affection and dedication and blablabla that i 200% deserve!" but not stop for a second and ask themselves if they aren't setting the bar all the way up to perfection while have no intention of setting theirs anywhere near as high.

[@reverie_song]

Loving the running dog theme!! "Spot" on!!!🐶

[@humaneleaguelancPA]

Ha, Ha! Loved the dog joke!

[@andrearosa9009]

❤

[@idkwhodos2840]

So I think what he's trying to say is.....just get a dog!😂

[@everybodyyogastudio212]

Wow, this you is the first time ive seen your channel and i must admit-you have successfully summarized what has taken me 36 + yrs, a UCSD psy degree and a lifetime of heartache, struggle, trial& error & try again in order to learn. ❤ useful and impressive. You’ve earned my subscription good sir! 🤜🤛✌🏻

[@_..Izzy.._]

Lots of green flags in da background 👀😍 "Because once you truly understand green flags it's so much easier to spot red ones." - Soooo true and I just figured that out... In my twenties...

[@LaughingGirl88]

I love your videos. Unfortunately, I came across your channel too late to save my past relationship but you helped me realize that it was beyond saving and that I was not in the wrong looking for kindness, love, and mutual respect. Thank you, thank you so much, you helped me to stand up for my needs, not to give up or break down! ❤

[@KittenCamper]

The counterfeit bills metaphor was really good!

[@rk6032]

The comment about telling jokes hit me the most. I had a partner who wasn't "toxic," but I recall several instances when I voiced unhappiness at a joke he'd told at my expense, and instead of apologizing, he would try to talk me out of being upset. Any time he told me that a comment upset him, I apologized INSTANTLY (and probably too easily). I deserved that from him, too.

[@terrirideout9683]

Thank you for this; I am appreciative. As an FYI, my first experience of love was when I was 52 and a cat decided that he was going to move in with me. Five years and going strong. 🐈

[@ashiff7781]

Saying sorry was my ex's prime weapon to lure me into his manipulation again and again and again. Saying sorry is not a big deal for them, when all they want is to meet their own need. Important part is how are they changing their abusive behavior or not. If after saying sorry they still keep doing same thing.....run for your life, its disgusting how they blame you for not forgiving them 100th time...

[@edgyyh]

same here. She would always say “I’m sorry, I’ll work on it” and then never did. She just avoided it all through video games and always had excuses for why she hadn’t had time to do it. I was very patient with her, but when I finally said enough is enough, she took on the role of victim and stonewalled which sent me on a tailspin journey of believing I was being abusive and unreasonable when I was standing up for myself and asserting my needs and boundaries. It’s taken me a long time to piece it all together and understand that even unintentional manipulation is still manipulation, and that even if I understand that the intention wasn’t to hurt me, it still did, and that it’s not okay. The more time passes the more I realize that perhaps it wasn’t even unintentional, perhaps she’d just learned how to get her way and didn’t care about how it affected me.

[@dawnlouiseofficial]

I love that you are focusing on the positives!! Too often people talk about the positives.

[@JDoe001]

When I’m upset my kitty cats come to comfort me, just saying. Cats rule; dogs drool! 😂

[@alycewich4472]

And they're BOTH adorable.

[@KathrynBrock1]

I don't like dogs, so this made me sad. 😢 I love animals, but I just am not a dog person, and I don't keep pets because I value freedom to travel, go on road trips alone, and go racing when I want to.

[@jollyscug]

i believe he might have meant genuinely hating the dog. its good to know when you dont mix well with someone/something due to factors like traveling imo :)

[@mitaganguly3948]

You love animals. That's enough. I have a master's in zoology and haven't had a pet last thirty years bc I have to travel so much but love animals. Won't be fair on them. Check my yt history....all animal videos😂....also I'm not a reptile person....my son's friend loves them.

[@Ash_Wen-li]

Honestly I would just generalize it to "them treating animals well" It would be silly to judge people on whether they like certain animals or not unless you want to have that animal as a pet

[@Dice-Z]

Not wanting to own an animal =/= not liking that animal, you do realize that right? Just like someone having their reason to keep their distance. They could be allergic or something. You don't have to just tackle every animal you love when you see them to love them. There's such a thing as "i love this animal, but just from watching distance".

[@kathiejl1]

@@Ash_Wen-liI agree. As a trainer I have been to many homes where people claim to love their pets but don’t care for them in terms of cleaning up poop, grooming, nail trimming, washing the gunk of the food/water bowls. You know, the “extra mile” thing.

[@YolandaWilkins-zk1nm]

I love the message, but the vibe of the room is amazing! The cozy lighting, the beautiful foliage, your tone, the message....chef's kiss!

[@CatchMyAxes3848]

This video resonates deeply; not because I'm searching for the green flag, but because I'm the one displaying them, and I now realize the need to enhance myself.

[@ForsakenA96]

I’m glad I followed you, I needed this video today. I’m moving from date 3 to date 4 in a new relationship and all the green flags you’re pointing out make me more comfortable discussing my trauma wound boundaries.

[@alonsodeleon4694]

Those dog jokes are a little...awoof. 😅😂. Great content!

[@cassaundrasmithcasey8954]

😂😂😂

[@aoifeaylyamayze6109]

This is an excellent angle to examine - not only to help people know what to look for to avoid toxic relationships, but also because too many people grew up with toxic parents so they don't even know what healthy love looks or feels like.

[@Cy-bz9jh]

You may wonder why after 46 years of marriage I'm watching this channel. It's because we can always learn something and because my husband is important to me, more important and even more loved than 46 years ago. The first time I said "we need to talk" and sat down with my young husband he was fearful! When I said "what, if anything, am I doing that drives you a little nuts?" he looked at me like I had lost my mind. I said "we all do things, little things, that can get annoying". It is just part of the way humans are. And things that are cute or funny may become obnoxious over time, so it's best to let each other know *before* it's making us grind our teeth every time. We called it "monthly check in". It works!! We agreed that we would never argue unless we were naked. 46 years later... if we start to argue, one of us will start removing their clothing. It breaks the tension and lets us discuss things, even the most difficult, gently and respectfully. And you are correct - being trustworthy is #1. An omission is still a lie and if trust is broken, the relationship is broken. Thanks Jimmy. Keep explaining, you are doing important work here. Maybe you should go for a license in this stuff.

[@vickibazter3446]

Jimmy, Clarity is reached by looking for the positives! If they aren't there --- either is a real loving relationship. THANK YOU for this. It's like a magnifying 🔎 glass. Gratitude. You're doing great work.

[@mst2585]

Thanks for these videos, they have helped me a lot in my journey of recovery from a life long history of emotional neglect and abuse. You are blessed. BTW I love all the plants in your background. xoxo

[@shortnsweet176]

Hello Jimmy, thank you for your work. I was raised in a narcissistic home in a cultist style. I never had never had a safe place. I went from a super sheltered raising to being in a bad marriage. I had 3 kiddos who were/are my world and knew there was more to life and relationships. I hit myself out of it, built a life for my kids, but for a few years struggled with finding myself with the same type of men and would extract myself. I kept being told I was too picky, but I knew there was more to walking life with an actual partner. For the last 6 years, I've not been in any relationship and sometimes I wonder if that type of connection, partnership, and "safe place" even exist. It's content like yours that gives me hope. Thank you

[@HeyGehirnschmalz]

This is great advice, not only for romantic relationships, but also friendships, flatmates, colleagues! Thank you Jimmy !

[@mjosheehy]

People who don't like dogs are off my list! You are the best! Thank you for helping everyone!

[@elinek5470]

I have that with cats 😅 animals in general actually.

[@runr100]

Dogs don't respect boundaries. That objection is reasonable; not everyone likes drool or being jumped on. I've met many narcissists who love dogs because dogs can be abused and they still obey.

[@Dice-Z]

@@runr100 Dogs usually do respect boundaries if they are raised and trained properly. It goes without saying that most people do not do either of those. There are rare cases where training doesn't help because dogs all have individual personalities, albeit there is far less variance in personality compared to cats. But otherwise i agree.

[@tahiyamarome]

I'd love you take these themes over into the realm of parenting. So much of what you offer is actually a deep root of healthy parenting. Every time i watch your videos i think "I hope people remember this when they have kids. "

[@alycewich4472]

Or grandkids.

[@tammyb6201]

This is so true.

[@barbmiracle]

Not gonna lie. I thought the title read “green frogs” and I was hooked. Also, loved the levity.

[@thatwolfyouknow8598]

Literally stopped what I was doing and just stared when you talked about being raised by a narcissistic parent. Thank you for this video

[@itypewrite3422]

Your best yet... that I've watched! Well done!

[@underthedice1231]

One of the best green flag imo is visible red flags and healthy conflict resolution around them. We all have issues and fractions. Knowing that both partners are able to resolve them is huge. Maybe it's my own baggage but someone with no visible red flag is scary. Ofc, that doesn't apply to all red flags. It applies to actual red flags not red lines that are relationship ending.

[@shannonw8436]

I wanted to add that your high-level emotional intelligence is very helpful in not only what to look for in other people but also to question my own intentions, values, and personality. Giving me ideas on what I would like to work on.

[@kaylakalila4392]

Thank you so much for making this video. It's exactly what I needed to hear among the toxic things I've seen and heard online or from friends about relationships nowadays. I've recently gone on a few dates that didn't work out, and started learning more about myself and other people, mainly which red flags to avoid. Everything you've said in the video is absolutely what I am looking for in relationships, not only romantic ones, but also in friendships, but I've had a hard time expressing my thoughts, so it is good to hear it like this here. Unfortunately, it seems to be hard to find people who live their lives in this way, and not in a toxic or passive way. It's really important to realise that these things aren't idealistic or wishful thinking, but a necessity. Thank you!

[@jenniferfuertes2668]

Dog references are spot on, really. When we adopted our Teddy, it was quickly obvious that his need to be the master & have Teddy behave a certain way was a huge thing. I tried to explain Teddy will respond better if you work with his temperment and personality instead of trying to "break him" - esp since Teddy was already almost 4 & had been very abused as a bait dog. It didn't take long after getting married to realize he wanted the same from me. He's the master, and I was to comply in all things and never question anything. Still praying God will make a miracle and restore us - I don't want another divorce, but being alone is really hard.

[@jenster29]

Being alone is hard. Being lonely with someone is hard. Choose your hard.

[@alycewich4472]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Lord Jesus Christ, I pray for wisdom for Jennifer to hear Your voice and know that You are always with her and to be obedient to Your will for her life. Please help her to hear You clearly, as the enemy would like to keep her in bondage and so focused on her pain that she cannot hear You clearly. I pray these things in Your mighty name and by Your redeeming shed blood. Amen

[@humaneleaguelancPA]

@@jenster29 The second one in my marriage. I couldn't take the rejection.

[@blckcatz-sh5pk]

Oh dear, can I relate to your story! The whole dominance thing is so incredibly tiresome. You want someone who will be your equal and partner. Partners are…well partners…they have each others back and care about what the other cares about. God bless!

[@MagicalGirlContractor]

Following this account has been the greatest choice I've made not just for myself but in my life.

[@Luffy889]

This is the best advice and direction-change for what to look I have listened to in a very long time. In fact, I never heard of green flags explicitly. I'll warmly recommend this to my friends and family.

[@TehPwnererr69]

I'm not sure why this channel came across my feed, but I am so glad it did. Thank you so much for making content like this! Much love

[@AgFalcon84]

Welp, first one. I feel free to babble to my husband of 14 years any silly thing I'm thinking about, and the thing is: no only does he listen, he remembers what I told him. 🤣

[@jenster29]

Same here😂 then I go through phases of telling myself to stop over sharing 🙈

[@alycewich4472]

Sounds like a keeper to me!

[@kmw4153]

This! I don't know if my marriage will make it, honestly I am ok if it is over. I was still dealing with trauma when we met. Now that I have healed...oh my goodness I screwed up. I don't think he is a narcissist, but definitely has major issues. He never has apologized for anything, it's always deflecting. He pulls away from any kind of real connection and he hasn't been interested in any form of intimacy for a few years. After 15 years I feel like a fool, but also realize I am only 45. I still have a lot of life to live.

[@laurasosnow7507]

I'm in a similar spot. They apologize, and mean it, and we agree to move forward together, but we were both super uhealed when we got together and didn't realize it - and it shows. He's got *major* issues and I have some myself. The way we bring up issues and argue is not okay. No name-calling or anything like that, but still not okay. Time will tell.

[@jordanr7290]

@@laurasosnow7507 sending you peace and hoping for the best outcome whatever that may look like. Here's to your wellbeing.

[@humaneleaguelancPA]

Yes, you do!

[@MisterGames]

As a guy, reasons guys don't want intimacy (sex)... Having sex with someone else; had sex with someone else now has a visible std they don't want seen; does not want a child; is impotent and embarassed about it; is addicted to pwn and cannot get aroused normally and would rather watch pwn; is suddenly repulsed by partners body; is on meds... Of those the first is the most common. But not having sex is not a biggie as long as there is plenty of loving affection. You are clearly not happy. You need to talk with him. Good luck.

[@thorie79]

It's really hard to be intimate with someone you are not attracted to. Is he physically attracted to you? As a guy, we're designed by biology to be attracted to youth for healthy offspring. What are your expectations?

[@brookenoel3346]

What you said at the end is so true, about people who look for things to be grateful for and not always focusing on the negative. My partner and all of the people i choose to surround myself with now are people like this and life is so much better 💗

[@emetee217]

Wish you would have been around 27 years ago. GREAT advice. I forwarded this to my 20 & 17 year old daughters and hope they will listen.

[@angiladasilva2266]

Thank you I really enjoy your videos. I learn a lot and feel like I’ve got better tools to be a healthy person and identify other healthy people. I especially love that this info helps me be more genuinely compassionate but in a healthy way. Before I was compassionate but not always in a healthy way.

[@DenisoiCiufulici]

Thanks for your useful content! Keep it up! 💫

[@mattyconradgrooming]

Hey Jimmy. I just want to say THANK YOU from a guy who had no idea how emotionally stunted and immature he actually was. Your content has absolutely opened my eyes to ways that I have been COMPLETELY BLOWING IT in my relationships. It’s actually embarrassing how little most of us guys even know about any of this and I can’t tell you how many times I have face palmed myself because of all the ways I was accidentally invalidating and disappointing my partner while feeling like she was the one attacking me. I only wish I found your channel and your podcast before my last relationship ended. Also thanks for the book recommendation on “This is how your marriage ends” … it absolutely changed my life and I am committed to doing better. Keep up the great work and thank you for teaching us how to be better men.

[@bjgobmms]

One of the BEST videos on Healthy Relationships in a nut shell! So succinct and precise, yet shared&explained on a wonderful prosody; accepting, compassionate attitude; and even jokes that are also gems. Luwwd it, THANK YOU💙

[@PatriciaSobralArtz]

This is a perfect video, thank you! I was wondering, can you make a video about BPD and how to deal with a partner like that?

[@bigjake6936]

I appreciate the points made