Making life difficult in order to survive narcissistic abuse

[@katdavenport6698]

This man DEEPLY understands scapegoating abuse. Wow. Omg.

[@therealdeal3672]

The devastating thing is that when you grow up with life being so hard you impose that on yourself, even when it doesn't have to be. It's like you can't figure out your way out of the box. It seems simple, but it's so complex because of the complex trauma.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I agree.

[@dark7angel456]

Agreed. Always thinking that it's going to be sabotage so don't bother trying anymore

[@butterflytiffany]

It’s me. Im a Carole. It’s insane how we all lived the same life. So much time spent in despair, hopelessness, and anxiousness as children. My inner child is feeling grateful and validated. Thanks Mr. Reid Hi Brizo 👋🐶

[@beedaffy]

Me too!! Totally agree here, Goldie. Dr. Reid, you are a gift. I have never, ever seen this topic addressed anywhere, and have wanted to write about it, too. Just like Carol, I am a writer of some talent. And just like Carol, I have felt that same sense of 'creative constipation' for many years. THANK YOU for the clarity; humanity; empathy and insight you offer in your extremely helpful videos.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

It’s sad what these parents do and the legacy they leave. My parent would sit down and be in front of a group of people, look at me and pat the chair seat next to him and say come sit next to me and I was always so hesitant because I knew the second I did he would get up and move away and it was always the same humiliating experience. Why would he ask me to come sit next to him only to get up and move away the minute I did in front of all those people. Some of the things they do are so strange it’s hard to put even in words what they do because it sounds so made it up because who would do that.

[@leahflower9924]

i guess because most pathologies follow a pattern

[@irenahabe2855]

​@@thirstonhowellthebird🤗

[@fn-2187bb8]

My setpoint, is to "climb Everest" on virtually every life task and goal. Simultaneously, I feel intense fear around taking time for creative things that truly nourish me - cooking, dance, music, crafting, etc. I never saw these as two sides of the same coin, till now. Im glad to know I'm not alone.

[@calipigeon]

OMG. The way I rush around in the kitchen you’d think someone was watching me while holding a paddle waiting for me to screw up.

[@leahflower9924]

good for you though, i lack total motivation now when i was younger i played 5 different sports and 5 different instruments and it pained me to try to do any of it after awhile, i was diagnosed with depression and went from being just the scapegoat to the gloomy depressed family member

[@JennySieck]

I literally say, climb Mt. Everest everyday. My mornings were so messed up due to the timing of the narcisstic abuse. My best friend said I should try relaxing in the morning and taking the pressure off in the AM. Then I should work for a few hours in the evening instead. I am on day 3. And it is really working. I think I was still getting a cortisol dump that I needed when I was dealing with the abuse. Now I am reclaiming my days. I am able to do this because I work for myself so have mornings free. But maybe you can play around with this idea. I owe my friend the moon. Soo helpful.

[@vanesse6055]

@@JennySieck Wow, you just helped something click into place for me, thanks!

[@JennySieck]

So happy to help. 😊

[@ghostagee5232]

This is how I live 24/7. I teared up! Never thought anybody else did this! I don't know what to say!

[@Peanuts76]

same, those feeling of someone finally understand how us scapegoat living their life for being abused, it's uplifting....

[@stanleydrive740]

I know, me too!!!

[@rs5570]

I have and do that many times if not outright sobbing.

[@irenahabe2855]

Yes, their abuse deformed us. To the core. However I DO HAVE HOPE FOR US! 💛💛💛 I am not giving up. If nothing else, for my children's sake, I will grow out it. As much as possible. 🍀🍀🍀

[@dark7angel456]

Me too. Does it feel like your mental strength just isn't what it used to be and it feels like your mental health plummets because of all this and you just wish it would just end?

[@pavla2055]

Sounds like Carol and I had the same mother . I think one of my core wounds has always been the knowledge that my mother absolutely hated me and showed me this every day . It did get to the point for me that the daily rages , accusations and name calling became almost comical by my late teens .Being the scapegoat she had our small gossipy rural community convinced that I was the problem in the family - even to the point that long after I had left home former neighbours came up to me in the grocery store looking for gossip and blaming me for our family 'falling apart'. NO CONTACT and moving to where you can live an anonymous life helps but the pain from the family of origin never leaves .

[@taraarrington2285]

❤

[@rs5570]

Yes all of that. I thought that if I could just get away my life would be wonderful. I was convinced of this. But I was wrong. I didn’t anticipate how hard they would keep coming after me & the length my mother would go to find out who my friends were and trash me to them. Finally I figured out I was going to have to move very, very far away and in this age with her knowing how to use the internet (because I taught her) I was forced to change my name. My mother will likely die soon but I can no longer trust my brother AT ALL. My adulthood could’ve been wonderful. I’m either angry or overwhelmed w fear. Those are my only emotions, mostly.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Does seem to never leave.

[@vichogarth]

It's incredible the way you understand the subtle effects of narcissistic abuse - even things that place below our conscious awareness. These videos are truly life changing and I can't thank you enough.

[@johannagrace7768]

The sense of ‘all exits being blocked’ is the result of the endless double binds that the dysfunctional family creates for the scapegoated child.

[@kevinmasterson5733]

Right on the money once again. I totally relate to Carol. Growing up with a fanatically Catholic mother with narcissistic tendencies, everything had to be a struggle, and it still was never good enough in her eyes. She never wanted me to "get a big head" so she had to constantly invalidate me. Thank God for my dad. Although he was a rage-a-holic & prone to violent outbursts, he could demonstrate love and encouragement.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

They said warned against "getting a big head" at the Methodist church too. But like John Wesley, we are great loophole finders. Loophole finding is also an incredibly elegant waste of time and paperwork when interacting with normies.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

I tried to be Catholic for awhile. It was wonderfully complicated and long-suffering. But like most churches, they are as good as the last ministry that served you, and no better no worse - y'all just been doing it longer...

[@px6305]

ditto on dad

[@kevinmasterson5733]

@Lucy 2021 Interesting. In my family the boys were all stupid, irresponsible derelicts & the girls were saints who were above reproach. That's the Irish for you. My sisters all learned to disrespect men and have horrible marriages. Me & all my brothers got a far away from the family system as possible. So glad to be free. Jay's videos help a lot.

[@HabitualLover]

Catholicism comes up over and over in these very unhealthy family stories, imo. It’s true of my family’s story- the Catholicism lends a certain extreme to the otherwise common traumas, seems to me, personally.

[@curiousone6435]

Interesting topic, Dr. Reid. Just this morning, I was googling about why narcissists make things so difficult for others, why simple problems have to become full-blown crisis because the narcissist refuses to cooperate, yield, or consider other points of view. They take propositions for teamwork or mutual problem solving to be a personal offense or challenge, a power game they must win. I've had friends tell me over many years I also tend to make things too difficult for myself, but I've internalized this story that I don't deserve life to be easy because my father rained on my joy, drove home that joy or contentment is laziness and selfishness (he helps himself to plenty of it, though), and I need to take very personally adversity because I must've done something to deserve it. The narcissistic father taught me everything must be difficult for me -- why would I deserve anything else? I'm nothing special, and I love to complain.

[@the51project]

This is me too. A Technical Writer (for many companies) for decades - but when it comes to my own desires I stumble.

[@kimlec3592]

Feeling like all the exits are blocked. Exactly.

[@cathymars23]

Thanks Jay, I'm still processing all this. But my first connection/memory is: Believing life is hard, (and I can't do it), as a coping strategy, because that's what the Narcissist repeats and believes (to excuse/explain their abuse.) My parents justified their abusive behaviour, by saying they were forced to treat us badly because life is hard. They believed they had to 'toughen us up'. And, behaved as if everything was a potential disaster. E.g. Screaming "DON'T put that cup there you idiot!!" As if we were putting the whole family at risk of some dreadful outcome. (I was bought up surrounded by and believing this 'drama'.) In reality these were all excuses for their poor behaviour. 🤔

[@Peanuts76]

wow, i had this kind of experience, everytime i try to be optimistic, they always reject those optimist and positive mindset, i thought when i was a teen, those act are normal.... they like to be negative and making everything hard, not exactly catastrophic thinking, but pessimistic view on everything, fixed mindset..... after years leaving with them, i do believe some of those value they taught me, to the point I'm become depressed, and helpless, apparently that's not true...

[@pault9544]

I was treated the same way. Was verbally abused over small, minute things that didn't matter. If I simply just touched something as a kid sitting around the house out of curiosity, I was yelled at and called stupid or retarded. Both of my parents were bullies.

[@jamesrutter4100]

The sperm donor that impregnated my mom told me he disciplined me more harshly than my brothers because he "loved" me more. But in reality it was because I was a light sleeper and woke up when mom was screaming and crying in the night. 5-6 yrs old and I met the monster. He's hated me for catching him beating his wife so he turned on me and has abused me psychologically for 60 yrs for it. He's an evil, perverted, coward that sits in his cave and " monitors" everybody's lives. He has damaged 3 generations of children now and there are more little ones in diapers and unless he dies soon they will soon be harmed by his maliciousness as well. He has destroyed his own family, literally torn it apart in his quest to cover up his perverse actions.

[@happycat0411]

The best coping mechanism to survive narcissistic abuse is just hang out with your real friends who understand narcissistic abuse really is. Just be very cautious and DO NOT tell the narcissist who your friends are otherwise the narcissist will try to get them to be one o their flying monkeys as well.

[@Peanuts76]

my mother always suspicious to a new people, especially a new friend, don't know why she's hate almost every people outside my home, with those judgmental face everytime i try to confront her, like she want to control her son so much

[@rs5570]

People don’t often have friends who understand this.

[@ImSimplyAHuman]

@@rs5570more and more people get it these days! When I was divorcing an MN in 2017 nobody I knew had a clue - I was the friend who taught them about it. Now there is so much more information and the term/definition is almost colloquial

[@soliel8999]

This just caused me to cry. I'm a seriously high achiever, but "failed" once and it feels like it's crushed me because it made my Dad feel ashamed of me. I've been contemplating either writing a book or getting a freaking law degree to try and redeem his pride in me. Good grief. I feel so broken and angry right now. What did I do wrong? I escaped a narcissistically abusive relationship and have a baby from it now on my own. He was ashamed because he had wanted to prove to his brothers and sisters that his kids would turn out better than theirs and now I ruined that for him.

[@annenoir9409]

I feel you are so empathic to us former scapegoats. Unfortunately I could not break out of the circle and had as a former scapegoat another narcissistic husband. After the divorce, I'm finally addressing the elephant in my life, narcissistic abuse.

[@rs5570]

Also known as “abuse.”

[@Ben-ru9ju]

Bravo!

[@irenahabe2855]

Yes! 🐘🐘🐘🐘 are my new symbols, maskots, my buddies.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

My mother used the word "distraction" often to describe what I now see as my own coping method similar to the sabotage of my capabilities. I had gifts and talents: of which conflicted by being both praised and criticized. Ying-Yang, Push-me pull-you...i destroy all that i create. And, it all goes back to my childhood. Guilt, shame, perfectionism, anxiety and depression. Reparenting myself: recent discovery navigating emotions- example, "befriending my anger". Thank you Dr. Jay & Brizo; videos are brilliantly, "intellect-hand-crafted".

[@sarahgorsuch1776]

I feeeeeeeel this!!!! This video is speaking to me sooooo much! It’s like I avoid doing anything that’ll bring me joy or success and I’m terrified of putting myself out there and using my gifts. Like, wha?!? How messed up is that??? Hugs to you!!! 🤍

[@liointhesun]

@@sarahgorsuch1776 so sad, yes. thx for the comment from your heart.

[@PAPPY8389]

This has stopped me in my tracks and really given me allot to think about I always wondered why I couldn’t seem to breathe properly when trying to sit down and complete something. Very grateful for you sharing your insights with us so happy to have found your channel thank you✌🏻❤️🙏🏼

[@janettemartin4604]

"It became the obstacle itself that she had to overcome!" We have to sometimes be shown that we use these tactics when WHO THE HECK would have guessed on their own?

[@idontknow-lc8bz]

Hello Brizo nice to meet you

[@idontknow-lc8bz]

I always used to play guitar as a hobby and an escape from reality, but over the years i decided i wanted to take it more seriously and pursue it as a career. I ended up developing bruxism (teeth clenching) and holding my breath while playing.. i didn't even notice how bad it was until my teeth actually started getting crooked lol

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I have bruxism. Also, fist clenching/armoring at night is related. It's all stress/fear related. I tell my body to relax, visualize before I sleep. Throughout the day, conscious breath like a check-in, relaxing muscles, relax clenching- until it's a habit..and, wear a night mouth guard;)

[@idontknow-lc8bz]

@@makaylahollywood3677 thank you!!

[@lizafield9002]

I'm a writer so i TOTALLY relate to the hypothetical story. Holding breath while writing, editing, hurrying, driving, talking with others etc, & always the unconscious voice doubting everything i write or do, except when planting trees, wildlife habitat or helping complete strangers. It's a start. Gonna try these tips, as i have a deadline tomorrow!

[@fairygurl9269]

Smiles happy Ya'll are Actually Rooting For Yourselves, I still feel the Old Program try to Clank on but Truly Feel Safer than Ever to Just Be Weird Me

[@lizafield9002]

@@fairygurl9269 You rock! Thanks for inspiring us!

[@me-jt5qc]

I think I had a belief for most of my life that I must never be seen to find something easy because that would be too threatening to others. The story in my family was that I was someone (or something) who struggled with everything, never knew what to do and was rather stupid. So everything should be difficult for me. For it to be otherwise would have been to defy my parents and to no longer be a perfect scapegoat, the only thing for which I seemed to be accepted in my family. I lived my life in fear of being "found out" so I sabotaged everything that seemed to come easily and never did what I really wanted because then everything was an "appropriate" painful struggle. Certainly a constant recreation of my childhood when I learned to believe that abuse was love. A counsellor I once sought help from asked me, with some exasperation it seemed: "But what do YOU want?!" I was dumbfounded by the question and couldn't speak.

[@Peanuts76]

we living in constant fear and hypervigilance, like everything we do are wrong, end up in failure....

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Hard to know what one wants after enduring such an experience.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

I fully relate to not learning how to enjoy life or my own talents becuse of my narc family. Thx for your insight and suggestions!

[@jane9469]

Jay Reid, youre a natural.

[@cairosilver2932]

Damn I relate to this one. You can see how she's trained herself to write for extrinsic goals/other people telling her what to do, so when she sits down to use the same skills they just direct her to consult extrinsic sources, none of which are telling her to write for herself. Holding her breath may be a subconscious way of pretending she isn't there (no one is breathing = no one is there) and it's someone else who is commanding her to write.

[@catjones2684]

Oh wow. These videos always speak to me in the most surprising ways. Like I’ve never told anyone that. How did you know? Wait that’s a thing? You mean other people do this / feel this way too? It’s overwhelmingly positive and a force for good. Thank you. Also for the book recommendations. I’m reading Patricia De Yong and Shaw and just started the other one about shame written by the couple. This connection between narcissism and shame, beginning to understand it has been life changing. Something you mentioned about the narcissistic family being envious of the scapegoat and their / my natural empathy and emotional agility. Just piecing it together emotionally has helped me make sense of so much chaos, confusion and pain. I’m starting to bring these things into the light and things are getting better. Thank you.

[@summero-my5in]

My mother insisted upon the fact I was mean, cruel, selfish… hard to get along with. She told me all of this since as long as I can remember, but I was just a child. I really believed it for a long time and even when I would logically disagree it’s been internalized to the point it’s like a scar I don’t know how to get rid of.

[@こなた-m1o]

eft tapping. it has to be released from the body.

[@gerdah.9975]

There's also an element of sabotaging yourself to alleviate the tension of waiting to be sabotaged. The last 40 years I've spent trying to work this stuff out and you explain it so elegantly. Thank You!

[@goldieh7121]

Thanks again Jay, the example you gave 100% resonates with me! Whatever I was doing in life, I was often told I should be doing something else. This happened to me growing up, in my past marriage and in the toxic jobs and friendships that I quit. Now I am still holding my breath, needing to feel "on" and expecting someone to come up behind me to question what I'm doing, even now that I am on my own. It's like someone is always watching me, it's so ingrained in me. I've been working at understanding why I feel this way and trying to catch myself when I am holding my breath or explaining myself in my head. These videos so we'll describe what I am going through, it's a little eirie, but mostly so helpful and validating. Thanks, Jay, for your kind words about our comments.

[@goldieh7121]

I wanted to add that always bracing for criticism, or being questioned, does make it difficult for me to concentrate. On the rare days that I am able to override this fear response, I find that I am able to breath normally, think more clearly and can get so much more done.

[@speciabilitator]

​@@goldieh7121 I totally relate to this. I am constantly mentally preparing for questioning/criticism, always wondering if people are upset with me for this, that, or the other - always nervous that I'm walking on eggshells around everyone in my life, when in reality I'm not. I got this from growing up with my ever-present, hovering mom, where all of my facial expressions, tone, etc. were questioned on a regular basis. Even doing absolutely nothing was met with manufactured realities (i.e. my mom would say I was being resentful, cold, cruel, etc. with no basis whatsoever). I always fought back even then, and I never believed her lies. But nevertheless, the damage is done - I am constantly feeling like I'm being monitored, criticized, and judged - and yes, it makes it VERY difficult to focus on anything and be clear-headed. Anyway... suffice it to say, you're not alone! And seems like we all bear very similar burdens.

[@goldieh7121]

@@speciabilitator OMG, yes! I finally noticed my dad closely watching my responses when my mom was talking, yet when I talk he has a sour look on his face and won't look at me. These people are all over us, until we actually need something. So opposite of.how parents should act. And, funny, when I read your response, I had been thinking about what to say to a client that I'm expecting the worst from. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's good to know we aren't alone, but at the same time so sad so many people have to experience this. Take good care 💕

[@CBrown86]

Same here

[@Peanuts76]

@@speciabilitator controlling people, always criticize, always make up something, at some point, they do had no basis and just try to provoke us for no reason, this is Narcissist behaviour, my sister like this one, i know that kind of feeling, they induce fear and stress to you, just the sake for you to be angry, other time stress and annoyed.... yeah I'm just like you before, i become overreactive and negative around Narcisist, well but now I'm not angry anymore, they don't change no matter what you do, i just accept and don't care about their problem, because everytime i care and help, they was like angry, yell and attacking me....

[@olympics1234567]

I never had to hold my breath, but self sabotaging in order to fit the picture of who I was according to my parents, has been a life long challenge. I've achieved success in many things, but I had to fight the demons the whole way. This was the first time I heard someone in a video, adress this in a way that hit home.

[@charissaschalk5175]

Wow. Change a few particulars, and it could be me! I recently left a job managed by a narcissist (in addition to having been raised by one) and it's fascinating how their management almost instinctively contorts situations and workloads so life WON'T be easy for those under their power. For instance, my boss would give me tasks that would have been easy for one of my co-workers, and give my co-workers tasks that would have been easy for me. Mastery of a task is probably what makes it easy, and it's almost as though having their child / employee attain mastery over ANYTHING is a threat to the narcissist, so they must sabotage that. (And I'd swear that both my mother and my boss were unaware they were doing this.) If we're raised to believe that attaining mastery is wrong, how could we help but sabotage ourselves? It's also an interesting point about holding the breath, because I find myself holding my breath a LOT. Thank you for 'normalizing' it, and presenting it as something that can be worked through.

[@jedd1999]

I hear you. I've been through a similar experience.

[@cathymars23]

Thanks. Your comment is reminding me that my parents deliberately "made things difficult" and behaved as if they were "doing us a favour" by putting obstacles in our way. 🤔 And that I somehow developed the same unhelpful habits: 🔸️Making tasks more complicated than they need be. 🔸️Believing 'if it's not difficult it's not worth doing'. (And then over-complicating things.) 🔸️Belittling own achievements. Parents also: Interrupted our process. Didn't validate our achievements. Withheld praise.

[@jedd1999]

@@cathymars23 I hear you.

[@apriliamoon]

Another so well explained experience of those of us who survived abuse. This situation of holding breath reminded me of one thing I heard related to childhood trauma. I think it was mentioned in one of the NICABM courses. There was research showing that people who survived childhood trauma have low oxygen saturation and I think this might be linked to this breath-holding habit. I paid attention to this detail because my doc was concerned with my low oxygen saturation, which was under 90 during the examination, so she had to show me how to breathe correctly to see if that fixes it, and it did. After some thinking, I realized this is probably one of the natural responses to great danger, like if some predator, or enemy, is chasing you and you are hiding, then you will probably hold your breath. I think there is a survival mechanism linked to this that gives us high focus in a short time, which was meant for creating a quick plan of escape or fight. I believe, this is why it feels like that Indiana Jones scene because it triggers these same mechanisms for survival. However, all survival mechanisms have high energy and resources costs on the body and mind. I guess this is why we feel tired, develop autoimmune diseases. It makes sense that we can't tap into those resources to do something pleasurable, as it contradicts the purpose.

[@mishkatzafreen3978]

If I can defeat the interfering thoughts and am able to concentrate and am on the way to finishing things on time/excelling at things I care about, I get alerted and it happens of a sudden; I notice that I am persevering/ improving, even 'winning', and start feeling physically unsafe, it's almost equal to fear of death and that's when I purposefully let my intrusive thoughts enter and destroy whatever I was doing. I have mentioned this to so many people and no one seems to fully understand or believe me. What you described about Carol seems similar to my situation. Thanks for making these contents. They are really validating.

[@brada-smith2807]

Time and time again I watch your videos and I am simply ... blown away ... by how much my inner reality is validated. In my case I have struggled so knowing that while my life has been in private a near constant state of overwhelm, but when I am feeling neutral, and someone asks how I am, I launch into an analysis of how difficult things are. Then I feel so false because in the moment I may not feel overwhelmed, but I am compelled to reference it. Then it feels like I am being a 'drama queen'. I've been aware of this trait for years, but couldn't get out of the self-criticism "I shouldn't be this way. What is wrong with me?" I am so grateful to read the comments of what seems to me now my 'real family' below. It's so amazing to realize just how much my seemingly incomprehensible conditioning and consequent personality difficulties are in fact part of a solidly established template that sooo many people can relate to. What a gift to have discovered both you Jay, and this whole community.

[@akala-bluesaville9866]

I am so grateful for you Jay🙏you are the ONLY person who knows my world,knows me. I am 51,recent awakening….slowly,painfully drowning🥺alone. Nobody to no one😢bless you and yours Jay💕I think you may be my last hope🦋

[@maryroot2599]

This is the story of my life. I am so grateful for the insight, it explains so much.

[@apexhierarchyjustice6014]

🙏👊💜 Thank-you For Your Service To Humanity! 🙌 This Was My Upbringing As Well. I Was A Narcissist Magnet. And My Mother Was My First Experience With This Trait. I EXISTED On HIGH Alert My Entire Life... Until The Age Of Roughly 38. I Had My Spiritual Awakening & GOD Taught Me To Breathe Properly. And Reset My Solar Plexus. I Was A Home/ Commercial Painter. And I Came To Notice... That I Would Hold My Breath In Order That I May Concentrate Enough To Cut A Straight Line With My Brush. The Reign Of Terror That Felt Like Occured In My Every Moment Of Life..Also Had Me Clenching My Teeth/ Grinding... It Left Me Angry, Frustrated, Hopeless, Trustless, & ALWAYS Feeling Alone. In The End... I'm Mostly Healed Now... & Surrended. But Am Still Struggling To Believe... That The Goodness I Now Feel Daily From The MOST HIGH... Will Be Stripped Away From Me. I'm Working Every Moment To Try & Make It Through This Acceptance That My New Life.... IS HERE To Stay. And That My Dharma Has Arrived.... And Mostly.... That... I DESERVE IT! 💪🤍✌️🌈🙏 Peace Be With Us ALL!!! 💜💚

[@Chasing70]

Thank you so much, Jay Reid! You are such a humble, smart, dedicated person. I have this breath holding issue & I have to play this video about 5 or 6 times today to understand it. But, I know I am getting better after a lifetime of being Codependent to the Narcissists.

[@janettemartin4604]

8:36 OMG that is the best explanation I have HEARD from a therapist! YOU GET IT! I am still very unable to express ANYTHING let alone PRIDE in ones accomplishments!

[@janettemartin4604]

I pick EVERYTHING I DO APART! And I do NOT accept praise! I think the person who praises me is looking for SOMETHING! (Like the only reason my MOTHER WOULD PRAISE ME)!

[@TheBaumcm]

Literally just had a conversation with a real friend about how I felt I was self sabotaging and making things harder and I didn’t understand it. Never realized that it could be a coping mechanism. Often people will just say your depressed but it’s tasks I want to complete, for me, that seem to give me the greatest inertia, like I’m afraid that if I go all in, I’ll still get the “well, that’s a good start” I.e. still not good enough, response. It’s also difficult when the narc orders me to do something in their interest that is also good for me. Awareness is the first step.

[@happycamper3561]

I’ve had a habit of holding my breath for decades. I’m not always conscious of the fact that I am almost always holding my breath.

[@taniabluebell3099]

Same. It's my whole body. When I would get manicures the person doing my nails would say "just relax" because I was tense in what should have been a relaxing spa day. It didn't matter the spa location the manuriststs would tell me to relax my fingers and sometimes if I had older women they'd smack my hand. They looked at me with a sideye at my inability to keep my fingers relaxed. I often dissociated and did not notice tensing my hands again. That's when I'd hear "relax!" again. That just made me feel inadequate and guilty. I always had raised tight shoulders too.

[@happycamper3561]

@@taniabluebell3099 yes I have the exact same experience. I don’t go for those anymore because it’s too stressful trying to “relax” with strangers pointing out how tense I am.

[@taniabluebell3099]

Same. I do manicures myself too. I only go to the spa to get a gel manicure for a special event or the occasional pedicure. It became too stressful to be yelled at when getting my nails done.

[@lor5039]

Agree with so many of the comments. Very insightful video thank you. Also watched several times to unfold. Think too there is a conditioning that makes the victim always subconscoously expecting to be annihilated, the victim walks in an abyss where too many times the wrath of the narc has been triggered unexpectedly. The oppression of the victim is fierce. Holding breath is holding on to survive. To focus on what to do next. The conditioning grows into subconscious on button to survive expected annihilation. Something triggers this in certain situations I feel. It is not always clear or consciously noticed perhaps until you find yourself holding your breath. Perhaps now at this point it is time to try to pause and evaluate the threat. But too sometimes the threat is real and not exaggerated and this really I think does feel overwhelming as the conditioning is you are not allowed to speak up, defend yourself or in any way criticise the Narc. This is a genuinely difficult place to be, rather than "making" life more difficult. I think the conditioning makes it so difficult- for the victim to know what tools they can now legitimately use to defend themselves or how to not feel totally exposed, hence the breath holding, its like a vice gripping anticipation. Maybe some help with how to evaluate perceived threats or how to deal with actual threats would help as victims are not skilled at defedningt hemsleves, they have been forbidden to defend themselves or made feel they are very wrong for doing so. One comment referred to a narc boss and this situation would be I think very closet to that power imbalance of childhood Nd wpuld feel particularly threatening with that felt potential for annihalation., and would be quite unbearable. How to cope with this learnt suppression of self in the face of perceived threat or or actual threat or the bravery to express oneself Nd embrace ones own true self is a huge question I would have. Great video and acknowledgement of one of the enduring Nd most debilitating effects of this type of abuse... thank you

[@dark7angel456]

I completely RELATE to the carol feeling! Frozen, dumb irrelevant thoughts, uncentered. Thanks Jay! My system feels like it can't relax and hard to function because of the Endless days of energy vampires feeding off of my mind and narc abusers

[@libs5382]

Thank you Jay for another great informative video. You have such a deep empathic understanding of how victims of narcissistic abuse feel. It’s very comforting Hope you have a great day :))

[@artwitch1362]

Wow, yes, 100%. Being myself, being okay always felt like danger to me. I had to pretend to struggle, to have a problem with whatever i was doing, because otherwise my parents would find a problem in me. They would point out that this must be too easy for me, that I have to struggle more. That I have to do more things, feel worse, just because me being happy and okay is a trigger for them. Now feeling free for even a second with people I love induces a deep panick attack every time. Thank god for my supportive boyfriend.

[@artwitch1362]

Plus, when it comes to breathing, I've not been able to take a full breath most of my life, except maybe a couple of times. It's like my body refuses to do it, like I constantly have a big rock on my chest. Maybe it actually is because I'm not letting myself just be and enjoy, instead I force myself to suffer.

[@artwitch1362]

And when it comes to finding problems - I was mostly a straight A student, with an occasional B, but as a reaction to me bringing home an A and actually being proud of it - I would hear "but why not A+? You should have done those extra exercises or just asked for extra credit". Never enough. The bar always moving just out of reach, even if you thought that for once you have achieved something.

[@Katiegirlluv]

My mother always accuses me of being selfish and cruel. It's the farthest from the truth. She is the selfish one. I've only wanted to live my life and follow my dreams, having a sense of self and joy. She robbed me of my confidence. She has often alluded to her life being hard therefore mine shouldn't be easy.

[@Peanuts76]

This kind of abuse is the same kind when you meeting a bully, and the hard part to realize is, when your parent, someone you believe, someone you love, are acting in the same kind of bully, no wonder we attract narcisist around, as those are cycle rooted from parental attachment.... we become so reactive to criticism, fear of being judged, as those behaviour are our parent did so many times to us

[@edgreen8140]

Great video. It's hard to remove the introject / unconscious process.

[@mienmiennn]

Yes joy or even well-being is a dangerous provocation. Even gratitude, relief. Whatever.

[@francesbernard2445]

In summary: Because the narcissist in a family is trying to make everyone else responsible for their happiness while constant comparing their lot and role to everyone else's including how comfortable their own children are or how their wife is at home with small children not being expected to work or how much easier their access to funds is because of their care too while then feeling resentful about any differences in level of adversity which they are experiencing in contrast and then emotionally abusing anyone who is with less authority in the mix who happens to be handy enough around to do so. So the targeted child in that kind of situation unconscious learns to self-sabotage in order to avoid more emotional abuse. For example anyone with an unconscious driven tendency to hold their breath when under stress in addition to it limiting their growth and efficiency is going to make them look more attractive to both pathogens and predators and so after being taken advantage of because of it which makes it a permanent disability instead then on top of it will end up in a cycle of holding their breath during stress, then experiencing anxiety and over time ending up in a depression caused by physiological burn out.

[@deborahfairbanks4012]

I am so happy to have found your channel. You are so eloquent in your descriptions and your topics are so much deeper into the psyche of we survivors as well as sufferers.

[@user-ey4rc5tu4t]

Holy moly. I tend to make everything more difficult. I’ve wondered why. Didn’t know it was a coping strategy. Yes. Breath holding.

[@GodswarriorEsther]

Thank you!!!! You’re so explaining exactly what I endured and lived through! We do learn to live and stop the survival mode with therapy! Thank you for what your bringing to light.

[@angelanicholson951]

Your knowledge and insight, as well as ability to simplify and get to the point is, is incredibly welcome.

[@kismypencek6185]

So nice to hear these dynamics spoken of and given compassion. I wax n wane in my ability to counter the continuing havoc. This could be a series. Cheers

[@chioma5633]

Holy shit! I also turn into a zombie to focus. I feel like I can’t remember even doing it or I feel like I can’t take credit for it. Because it was a state of dissociation. This was an amazing explanation!

[@dotsyjmaher]

I hope I can do it...the breathing exercises you have suggested in other videos HAVE helped...I really thank you for your thoughtful, helpful videos. When I watch...often a "video" starts to run in my head of an EXACT incident with my mother or sisters that actually happened and is still stored in my memory...it is almost like YOU are OUTING them and validating me....I read a lot of psychology early in life and it helped me survive... But your work is AMAZING.. I am so glad I discovered you...and you are obviously helping a lot of people recover from from HORRIBLE UNJUSTLY INFLICTED PAIN ...

[@cathymars23]

Not sure if/how this is related.🤔 Our parents behaved as if, their lives were so difficult, there was no room for our difficulties. We were being 'selfish' by having needs, and wants, because, 'couldn't we see how hard their life was already'!? We were treated as if we were always making excessive demands on their time and attention. (When actually we were just trying to get a little bit of notice or some attention for our basic needs.) So we grew up knowing and believing, 'people have difficult lives and no time for us.' My parents were very focused on showing us how difficult their lives were, as a way of justifying their abuse. E.g. "Can't you see how difficult my life is!? How could I possibly have time for you!?" As if we were being extremely unreasonable, just for having basic needs. Part of what I'm trying to say is: They were so heavily invested in portraying their lives as difficult, (and making their own lives difficult) because, if their lives had been easy, they wouldn't have been able to use that excuse for their poor parenting. E.g. "Can't you see I'm busy." Sounds better than. "Can't you see your physical/emotional needs are not my priority."🤔 (Maybe I'm slightly off topic with the above thoughts, but the idea of 'making life difficult' really rang a bell for me.) 🙂 I THINK what I'm trying to say is: I was bought up to think my agenda was meaningless, and irrelevant. Now I'm thinking: "OH! So, my agenda is worthy?" And maybe the connection is that, if you're taught, as a child, that your needs and your agenda are not worthy of attention, it makes life very difficult, because you're disconnected from your own steering wheel. 🤔🚗

[@cathymars23]

"As if we were being extremely unreasonable for just having basic needs." This is part of the legacy of their behaviour. We think we'll 'get in trouble' for asking for anything. We think we're being selfish, unreasonable, (abusive even), for having needs, for being hungry, for wanting clean clothes. I still 'talk myself out of' wanting or needing simple things, because I think I'm being unreasonable. I often automatically think that if I have a desire: It's probably foolish. Will probably make life unnecessarily difficult for someone else. Is a bad/unreasonable idea. Is silly/meaningless/flawed/arrogant. Safer to suppress it. I'm just thinking today that, being taught to doubt your own simple desires is like being cut off from your own steering wheel. 🤔

[@thetuckinlady]

This is precisely what I've experienced all my life, and I just wouldn't know why sometimes I could concentrate and do well in academics and other areas of life, and not so much at other times. I had a therapist whose treatment was effective, but his methods were person-centered (which was magnificent for self-validation). He'd talk about not focusing on what happened, not 'complaining' about my symptoms, and wouldn't offer any tools unless I suggested them. This is one of the ways my mind was treating me, and it still does but with less severity. I didn't have the space to talk about how my mind was treating me, so I had to rely on self-validation, which is still a bit shaky on bad days. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, validating my experience, and making me feel like I'm not crazy. I feel empowered by your videos! :)

[@d.h.fremont3027]

I could never figure out why nothing was accomplished whenever in a relationship with a narcissist.

[@hansonel]

Narc abuse survivors are conditioned to make their lives more difficult than need be sadly, my father is a textbook example of making things more difficult than needed like many others narc parents. We look around and wonder why most other people seem to have it "easy" in life. Everything, even little simple things, is difficult or overly complicated when dealing with a narcassist and sadly that conditioning of being undeserving of not only doing things in an easier way but being undeserving of everything else in life.

[@meehanasap]

Your videos are helpful and in this case it actually helped me remember to prioritize staying in a balanced state as that actually help work on this issue. It's hard, but I have experienced more progress.

[@jenniferkincaid]

This was so spot on for me, not just how to overcome certain criticism but also my decades long desire and effort writing a book. I’m across the bay from you in Oakland. I came across your channel a couple of years ago and have enjoyed all of your videos. Cheers

[@brightpage1020]

Interesting you mentioned “all exits blocked” situations.

[@sharkat74]

Continuous thanks Jay! Hi Brizo, good girl:)

[@sharonjones7138]

I, NEVER felt I deserved anything good so I’d sabotage circumstances when something good landed in my world. I felt my lot in life was to work and serve others. I was Cinderella as a girl, then stuck in my room when chores or housework was done. I was bad and flawed, unworthy of love, kindness, good things and I carried that in my spirit into my 50’s.

[@coretarot6536]

Jay, thank you so much for this video. Personally, I've been really trying to understand, unpick and heal from a range of narcissistic abuses for myself, and in order to share compassion and help prevent others enduring similar self-sabotage after being trained to devalue themselves. But this message really hit home. I thought I was cursed or defective. But I have known for a long time that success means attack, so it's not 'just' been a life of holding in my breath. But also my talents, my opinions, my joy.

[@ganasca]

I am Carol. Thank you. I never figured out before why it's so hard for me to do what I enjoy and what I'm good at.

[@pelletier4432]

Thank you, Jay, for creating a space to process. Much appreciated!

[@mongohotline]

Your video on the beliefs held by a scapegoat was... it mapped perfectly and has helped me accordingly. As a statistician it's unlikely this is coincidence, it all fits too well: my mother is a narcissist.

[@theasianwitch]

i've been dealing with this lately as I've also been wanting to work on my book and my spiritual channel...i've slowly been re-engaging in this process and enjoying it a lot. thanks for the reminder that it's good to enjoy one's life!

[@kimlec3592]

This therapist displays great understanding of how people feel. i know it is in the job description, but few put it into words in a way that help people feel understood. This is very helpful. To feel like your experience is understood is what many of us longed for & needed but didn't get, from caregivers or other significant people in our lives. Just reading the content on his website, helps me enormously. Very grateful to havediscovered his work.

[@pavanatanaya]

Great Channel Dr Jay

[@stanleydrive740]

This video helps me, at very long last, figure out my childhood. Dear Jay, I wish I could hit the like button a thousand times. God bless you🥰

[@sav421]

Love your videos. I've share them with my therapist. They have helped me understand what I had to deal with growing up and my own adaptions from it. Go Eagles. I know you're an Eagles fan Jay. Let's go, from Conshohocken Pa

[@kimlec3592]

There was no empathy from parents to children in our family. But plenty from children to parents. Total role reversal. It robbed us of hope. My brother had enough by 32. i still feel responsible, even though i know rationally i was my mother's victim. We all were. Just awful.

[@oliverschroder3944]

Unfortunately, I got back very bad mirroring too, which lead myself denying education and or pursuing my passion more. It was more or less discredited by my mother. It makes sense. It was so unsupporting which I finally thought i was only worthy of :-(

[@Pookie786]

Suddenly all of my fucked up life is making sense.i was wonderingg what is wrong with mee...i wassss😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you. This is so helpful. You have done something really important and healing in creating this channel.

[@Bibbzter666]

I feel this hard! When I was growing up I always had a passion for music and film, but I was always made too feel that it was a waste of time. My parents never took an interest in my interest or supported me in any way. In school I had a hard time paying attention because I often felt it was a waste of time to learn things that I couldn't see a practical purpose to or that was directly connected to my interests. So I was scapegoated both at home and in school. I was always a "problem child". When I was 24 I moved about 2 hours away from where I grew up to a place where I had hopes of pursuing my passion for music but it was hard since my self-esteem was really low and I was extremely shy and drank a lot to try and boost my confidence and keep the "demons" (intrusive thoughts) out. At 27 I had a girlfriend and together we moved half way around the world to study. I studied film making and screenwriting, the reason that I didn't choose to study music I told myself was because I didn't want to ruin the "rawness" of my musical talent. But now I realize I was probably protecting myself from the fear of failing and proving that my parents were right all along. I had never pursued any film making endeavors so it felt more safe to try it, "just for fun". But I really liked it so I felt that I wanted to learn all about it, but the constant intrusive thoughts that "I should be doing something more productive with my time" made it almost impossible to engage with what I really wanted to do. Having others around with the same passion helped but every time I had to do something by myself, especially write, I couldn't really get myself to do it without the help of alcohol and even though I could do things while I was half drunk my mind wasn't as "sharp". This has been my struggle all my life and it's only gotten worse. And I can't work a "regular" job that is not connected to my passion because I constantly feel like I did back in school growing up. about 6 months ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and the medication helps making me focus on the things I want to do, like writing, but I still struggle with it and after the medication wears off all the negative thoughts comes rushing in and hits me hard. So I'm in this limbo where I'm kinda damned if I do and damned if I don't. All I want to do is be creative and make art but I'm terrified of not being "good enough" at it, and I can't work a "regular job" because then life feels utterly meaningless and I get depressed and life just doesn't feel worth living. It's living hell!

[@DomCOuano]

Before I even press play, I am going to admit that I've done this. I would get home from work and instead of having to deal with my dad, I had the perfect excuse to scream and yell and tell everyone to go away because I was too busy. And then after I escaped that house, it took me over a decade to stop yelling at everyone. Okay pressing play now. Thanks for all of this, Jay!

[@Thysta]

That sentence makes absolute sense and I think I felt that a lot, that I just can't be easily doing stuff out of talent and such.

[@poppysunshine5164]

You have such understanding, and I am grateful! You are helping me so much.

[@jennifermcphee5879]

Can't thank you enough for these videos.

[@sharonjones7138]

I, was totally self destructive. I’m better now, but at a time I realized I was feeding that self destruction. I needed to punish me because I “am bad, just bad!!!” I never wanted to hurt another person, so I hurt myself 💔💔🥺🥺😢

[@lauriedmills7581]

HOW do you know all this, Jay??!! I mean, for a long time now I've sought and listened to the wisest counsel I could access, which wasn't easy, and have been very blessed and it's helped me enormously, but the stuff you talk about is different somehow, it's like, well - have you been spying on me or something? Reading my journal? I live in Australia, am 53 years old now and feel like a child every time I listen to your talks. Facing these things and addressing them is not something I avoid but what you share is so foundational, the root of things somehow, that I keep being surprised. No secrets, with you, now is there? Each time one of your videos is published I have a little competition with myself that this topic won't apply to me, not this time, ha ha, nooo, cos I'm not THAT badly off but then you throw me for six yet again! That's not a complaint but wow, then I have to take time out to reflect and add another dimension to the work my character and heart need to overcome the brokenness I endure. I've not mentioned that I often revisit your videos to review, to contemplate and put this information to work in my life. Thank you. God bless you greatly. Now I'm going to go and sleep on this, probably have a little cry, or maybe a big one, as I can't stop thinking that it's no use succeeding at anything anyway because the loving praise from the special ones either won't be forthcoming or it's probably cos it's because it makes them look good and has nothing to do with me anyway so why bother? This is going to take a while, this one. hmm

[@203blessings]

Thanks for explaining the subsystems of the nervous system that was helpful. Cool dog.

[@stanleydrive740]

Oh my, someone understood! God bless you Jay, thank you so much!

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wooooooonderful! Thank you. You’re truly a life saver. ❤️

[@Dream_Dreamlit]

Thank you for posting this videos. It helps a lot 😊 Hello Brizo 🐶❤

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

Exactly, describing the cognitive dissonance to survive the cruel treatment

[@Sunset1705]

Hi Brizo! Thank you, Jay :) Wonderful video, as usual. I appreciated the occasional text on the screen to emphasize points.

[@kkeiter]

Narcisstic parents are the worst!!

[@zzulm]

I hold my breath too to focus and then I feel drained even with simple things because of this I spend a lot of energy doing somethings and I know it is my breath because somedays I practice mindfulness and being present and I feel lighter.

[@everyonehasincommon1216]

Hi Jay😊 do you think you can do a whole video about why is it that the narcissist mother feels threatened when the daughter is successful or happy, and why happiness and self confidence is perceived as provocation? Your story about Carrol really resonated with me. Any chance of that please?

[@fraemme9379]

Hi Jay, thank you so much for these videos from my heart, you are saving my life I have never felt so understood. And all your explanations are really clear and helpful, your content is truly a gift, thank you so much 🙏

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

I appreciate that!

[@Lcubed100]

Stuffing one’s feelings is this. Good pratice

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

Thank you so much. This is very relatable.

[@JL-re1rx]

YES!! THANKS FOR SHARING!!

[@ATeitter]

This happens to me!! Precisely with the breathing! Every single sypmtom applies to me since i was 5 years old