Karl Pilkington - Diary (Complete)

[@phoebeizabella2414]

earphones in late at night, lying in bed. listening to karls ramblings... heaven.

[@mountaindewmartin7204]

Same

[@SuperNate666]

Then my skull fell out lmfao..today on monkey news lmfao

[@sharonjacobs5351]

(see comment above) You said it ! Right on ! . . 👍

[@bigounce2477]

Bro i genuanly thought i was the only 1

[@sharonjacobs5351]

@@bigounce2477 Nope your not , join our extended group ! ! . . 👍👏

[@matturner6890]

Mr. Dilkington is one of my most valued customers.

[@emmanuelgoldspleen2905]

I put it in the bin

[@joeynuggetz]

Tell me that this isn’t the funniest trio in comedy history. Nothing has ever made me burst out in laughter like this. Genius.

[@turtleanton6539]

Funnits one😊

[@jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj178]

DON’T TALK SHIT Kidding, I agree.

[@user-wr2tu6sj2l]

Big joint, headphones in, bed cold… life simple sometimes 😂😂😂✌️

[@MoldRoss]

That’s a better combo then pbj and that’s a fact too

[@4422-]

I feel that mate some you time 💚

[@ceriyum]

And my dog snuggled next to me ❤

[@Goawaypleasenow]

Needed something to listen to since I'm laying in bed cannot sleep. I have no clue who these people are but the comment section has great reviews written by seemingly intelligent individuals so I listened. So glad I did. I love stumbling upon gems like this out of no where.

[@kendrafrench7198]

Am lying in a hospital & was miserable. I turned on your KZbin show sometime after dark; just realized it’s now 4:51 a.m. & have been laughing hysterically all night.Thanks for this.

[@jdottdeestv8149]

Well keep it down! Some people are trying to sleep, psssh :P :')

[@castiron2844]

we'll jeez, 04:52

[@merrymermaid]

@@freeezerrr3 you ok?

[@savyman2376]

You would have been popular

[@georjiep4338]

@@freeezerrr3 everything alright Felipe? 🤔

[@claireironside8477]

I absolutely love Karl pilkington, he is absolutely brilliant. When I feel like crap...he cheers me up to no end!;I've cried so many times from laughter.

[@PlaidLaddy]

good thing you've got ironsides, cause mine absolutely split when i listen to this trio!

[@juliaphillips7963]

Yes! He's kind of a saint.

[@mennevds6912]

@Simon Parnell het

[@aileenmurphy4324]

@Simon Parnell ft

[@danielholt3231]

@Scott Donnelly hI b bibibbbiI ibbbb bbb iniI hbbibinb be nbb i iniibib inibbhinn bb in B bbbb in ibiniininbibb b bibib

[@clairem4389]

Karl is my type of person. I could sit and talk to him for hours. Without an imagination, life must be dull. I just wish Ricky wouldn't interrupt him so much!

[@ineffablemars]

that's the bit

[@akayakayz]

Steve taking over from Ricky to read out Karl's diary is a happenstance of eternal benefit for mankind.

[@davidtaylor8901]

I've been having trouble sleeping, trust me just listening to these podcasts have helped me massively love Karl pilkington funny asfook... The best classics 😁😆🤣😭

[@juliaphillips7963]

I go to sleep listening to these 3. I hope they know how many people are helped by their humor. Depression is epidemic and they are the anecdote.

[@freybentos2602]

I just Ricky’s laugh wasn’t so freakish or I’d be able to sleep to it

[@worthalook4870]

Can listen to these all day. Heard these for years and still love them

[@turtleanton6539]

Me2😅😅😅😅

[@KneedleKnees]

"If Moths Had Eyes" is actually a great satire on contemporary poetry. I don't know if that's what Karl was going for, but it works.

[@CartesianNullification]

Also Moths aren’t even blind which is a hilarious factor that has been overlooked by Ricky and Steve lol

[@leemcfarlane5886]

666666y6and

[@Rodgerwilco91]

How in the worldly fuck could Karl Pilkongton (head like a fkn orange) have ever be going for that. LOL

[@omikronweapon]

almost certainly NOT :P

[@guyledouche9962]

I'd rather be a blind moth

[@smitesesh5210]

2:45:32 - "I think by 2020, germs will be so big we can see them in the air. I think that's how we'll die in the future." Karl Pilkington saw the future.

[@captainplane398]

YO

[@jazzabighits4473]

@@captainplane398 what germs can we see in the air? lol? pollution?

[@freybentos2602]

Not quite.

[@abbievaughan6799]

I suffer from not liking humans, I started listening to this when I'm walking round town or doing the shopping...rather than worrying about other people,I just laugh out loud to this. ❤️

[@jamescummings7459]

Hahaha I suffer from not liking people too

[@abbievaughan6799]

@@jamescummings7459 yes there is a specific human species called ignorant...I can't stand them but they pop up everywhere 🤣

[@Janfon1]

Doesn't like humans with an exception for Karl, cuz that man's from a whole another world

[@jamescummings7459]

@@Janfon1 "you are from another planet mate" *high five* 😂😂

[@deanharris4671]

Yeah

[@dinkules]

Ricky's audible childlike excitement the moment Karl announces he's started a diary

[@ec1517]

That still cartoon of Karl is perfect, I can look up at any point in this and can totally picture him saying these things in this pose.

[@cameronmills3599]

Steve's delivery is essential to the Karl's Diary segments. I dont think it would be half as funny with someone else saying it

[@kevinbarrett7663]

00000000000 p 000000 op 0is 00000000pp0000000the 0000000the 00

[@thesegundovolante]

Probably would be funnier if Karl read it himself

[@bbyshady]

Idk Steve is my least favorite Karl and Ricky are the show

[@sergiolopez977]

@@bbyshady yea shut up ya dummy, you are wrong

[@bazglsgw1208]

Yup Karl writes it Steve reads it n Ricky laughs like a demented hyena at it.

[@Vikanuck]

I live in a pretty old building, and during this hella hot summer, the power goes out quite frequently. So I downloaded every single 2-3+hr long videos for those days… and today is one of those days. I work from my computer at home, so I’m kinda SOL there today, but at least I can just roll up a few, chill at my desk and draw, and listen to hours and hours of the most profound thoughts ever to come out of such a brilliant, orange headed man 😌😌😌

[@GooseRULES]

The diary in and of itself is hilarious, but Steve's narrating of it makes it that much more hilarious. I wonder if he read it first before going on air; his delivery is perfet. I own a Mr. K. Dilkington shirt, btw.

[@sophiemay6954]

karl pilkinton is a natural philosopher think ricky gervasis has definitely learned a thing or two from him over the years, weather he realises it or not

[@kazer4]

Those that claim to know know nothing those that know nothing are the wisest 😂

[@beedee8185]

He has. Some jokes/gags in Afterlife are very “Karl”

[@milliondollarmistake]

Ricky says plenty of times that Karl is brilliant. It's just that Karl didn't use his brain at all leading him to easily believe in shit like mind readers, or he'd get a key fact in a story so astronomically wrong it'd make everything sound like bullshit.

[@ethanaustin.6435]

Karl is actually quite intelligent. Some of his points are valid. It’s just his air-head personality and humerus delivery that gives gervais an opportunity to grill him. If you listen to him in-depth he often makes Ricky and Steve sound stupid for taking the piss lol.

[@Niicocl]

fr😂😂

[@mrfishmon5517]

20 years later looking back and Karl was the one in the right.

[@drivethru6155]

Emphasis on "some" lol. A lot of the stuff he seemed to genuinely believe is full of shit 🤣

[@BenetbenetLive]

well... quite intelligent is a stretch. hes a functioning human being

[@shrimpflea]

He is very funny but he is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

[@scottmroberts]

So glad Ricky came to Karl’s rescue re the Chinese man being from Japan line. A brilliant digression that makes it so authentic.

[@Bill-lt5qf]

I just realised, they muse about famous diaries, all the while they are basically making a famous diary. Karl should be proud.

[@astro8807]

its crazy that all this is from the early 2000s, listening to some of the things they talk about on xfm is like a glimpse into the recent past.

[@thecinematicmind]

Karl Pilkington’s diary is a masterpiece of comedy and life.

[@michelleoram3380]

I would buy it

[@ValhallaBeckons]

I've been playing the XFM era through the 'Guide(s)' on repeat for years. Never gets old. I want to hear more about the "One-Faced Man."

[@ladyscorpz9023]

Ricky’s laugh is everything ❤️🤣

[@thewanderra_chronicalsstuf7085]

His brain works on such different way, it's amazing love it.

[@andytlwy]

Who’s disliking this? Dickie Anders???

[@w8m4n]

Dr. Fox

[@hpebackwards]

Jellyfish

[@mattlackfordmusic]

Wendy, with her little program

[@paganhawkthornheart1394]

Karl’s dad. “Don’t listen to that twat”

[@chriso3414]

wewe's

[@mardicole4202]

Karl is a brilliantly every day guy. Like others commenting here - I laugh so hard sometimes I get a stitch in my side (lighting up doesn't help 🤣)

[@ogboomer6518]

What an excellent find. Tremendous and original.

[@YehNahYehAyy]

I know a lot of the things he says sounds a bit dumb but the thinking in your accent thing is totally relatable.

[@jackkennaugh1977]

Lying in bed, lights off, cold room, snacks, and Karl’s diary. Bliss

[@manmademoonmusic]

Thought it was just me

[@widsy2012]

Listening to karl pilkington makes everything better 💖

[@Robyn.the.Human.x]

I should probably get my head read, but Karl Dilkington makes a lot of sense at times

[@DaveScottADV]

Pond of the month. Incredible

[@NASkeywest]

Karl is basically just like the first human to ever experience consciousness.

[@jareddulack1]

Never heard this before but I’m so glad this popped up in my recommended

[@42gp]

Doctors who are so clever they dont bother opening their eyes made me genuinely cry with laughter

[@weematty475]

My auntie used to do this: have her eyes open when talking but then when came to looking at you she’s close her eyes

[@LifeOfRy]

@@weematty475 could you explain this any further? This is really strange and I'm fascinated.

[@ss-wu1vp]

His voice is so soothing....relaxing

[@TomH999111]

Karl's imagination is so strong that often he verbalises what he's imagined to the point where he thinks it's fact. Lobster Dali story is a prime example :')

[@bulldog1066jpd]

Absolutely love listening to Karl , Ricky and Stephen....national treasures right there 😊

[@narellev5411]

I love the way Ricky can say the most hurtful things to Karl but suddenly when Karl criticises Ricky's pets he all but loses it. Go Karl!

[@jammy7032]

You clearly don’t understand them 🤣

[@narellev5411]

@@jammy7032 I have watched almost all their stuff. Karl understandably is doing his own thing much more. I have boxed sets and all of Ricky's dvds but he is wearing thin. Karl is not stupid at all.

[@jammy7032]

@@narellev5411 haven’t said he was stupid?

[@mrfishmon5517]

@@narellev5411 some of the funniest bits of ‘derek’ and ‘afterlife’ are Ricky blatantly ripping off things Karl said 20 years back

[@koboz9321]

How can you not understand hes joking lol do you not hear it in his voice

[@Im_Mr_Cole]

Karl is extremely charming for what it’s worth. He’s insane, but there’s such a heart in there. He’s really trying his best to understand existence.

[@unkelTP]

Insane? Nah

[@narnzipan]

You do realise that the man is an intensely clever comedian who is playing a character in these shows, don't you??? 🤔

[@dobbo1893]

@@narnzipan intensely clever eh…that’s the best kind. Have you got any proof of this - that isn’t just your opinion? (Vague reply with no source below 👇🏻)

[@narnzipan]

@@dobbo1893 somehow I get the feeling that nothing I say or do, no matter how many credible sources I quote, you're not changing your mind. How about YOU do some research and find out for yourself??? 🤔

[@dobbo1893]

@@narnzipan I will accept 1 source if you’d like to show me just 1 that helped ‘prove’ it for you? Other people reading this might like your sources revealed (you ain’t got shit lol)

[@saf9236]

karl has a soul and therefore an inner monologue, but ricky and steve both are NPCs with no inner monologue and don't understand the concept. 5:30

[@TomboTime]

okay but Karl's poems are legit

[@tyroon81]

Yeah, 99% of what he says is gobbledygook, but his poems are genuinely brilliant in my opinion. I wonder if he still writes them.😀

[@omfgitspyrogirl]

Karl's insect obsession reminds me of Charlie Day's spider obsession in It's Always Sunny, lol.

[@AA-hg5fk]

Spiders aren't insects!

[@gabegordon9072]

I love how much Ricky loves Karl…

[@conorkennedy3304]

he really does. None of us would be listening to any of this if it weren't for Karl.

[@marthasolomon7997]

Sameeee ❤

[@laurathomas1083]

Cause Ricky knew how much money Karl would make him

[@MrRoomba2321]

This deserves so many more views

[@edmckay8647]

Given that it's 20 years old and is not original material I don't see why

[@MrRoomba2321]

@@edmckay8647 Aye, Fair enough.

[@rambleon3698]

I agree, this made my day.

[@joekori6998]

If Moths Had Eyes is one of my favourite bits of content I've ever come across

[@CaptainCalculus]

I absolutely believe what Karl says about kidney stones--my Dad is a former Royal Marine who was injured, and a former pro wrestler who tore a bicep...and he says kidney stones was worse than those, and least responsive to pain-killers

[@ExaltedUriel]

Your dad sounds fucking badass. Can't say I blame him though, never had kidney stones but I was scared straight as a little kid by my parents telling me I'd pee out a rock if I ate too much junk food. Now I compulsively drink water whenever I eat fries or chips, lol

[@CaptainCalculus]

@@ExaltedUriel Yeah--the crazy bastard...when he had kidney stones he refused to take an ambulance and insisted I come and pick him up and drive him to the emergency room.

[@samhenley7156]

I've had a kidney stone myself. I'm lucky it was in one piece. I also have a horseback riding teacher who's had kidney stones, and she says it was more painful than childbirth.

[@cynthiarowley719]

Karl Pilkington 🏆, he deals with Ricky, I don't know how...

[@Janjanbobaney]

When you go to bed… Have cuddle with your hubby… then say gnite and turn on your headphones and shut the lights off. Wake up at 1 by the hysterics of Ricky then replace the earphones with ear plugs ( cause hubby snores the roof off). It’s all just another night at the Kenny house … night night everyone

[@kerrystewart3857]

Ricky knows karls a guy you don't meet everyday.his heart n way he thinks is so pure n he's so innocent in his look in life.

[@reecemcclenaghan8365]

As much as I love this it always seems to me like Karl and Ricky are actually friends and Ricky laughs with him but Steven laughs at him. Anyone else feel the same?

[@jorischkovich]

"everyone's a mime in a picture" - how does he come up with it

[@pumpkinale90]

This was the BEST! I thought I had listened to everything hundreds of times but I swear you were able to find some diary entries that I haven't heard. Made my night at work. THANK YOU!!!!

[@JacobKinsley]

I'm saving this for if I'm ever suicidal

[@jondon3182]

Watch it and stop giving yourself the option to even consider suicide :-) Hope things are well, Jacob

[@adashofbitter]

Can confirm, I think in my accent and in my voice and intonations

[@marieannwalsh662]

This is only the second video I've seen. Absolutely priceless 😂.

[@cpreyde]

I definitely have an internal monologue too.

[@spinny003]

I love when he talks about Dali's lobster-phone and says "I don't know what happened....". He completely invalidates everything he's about to say in one sentence. BRILLIANT!

[@Jonseyfun]

If only karl was able to communicate his thoughts just a tad better. I see myself in him so much. I feel.

[@iluvcarlossainz]

rickys laugh is contagious. im crying

[@stevenwolfe2279]

I love some of the innocent wisdom of Carl. It is fascinating to see what he is interested in, and his take always from his experiences. Carl, if you ever come over to Canada, I’ll buy you a pint! Actually I’ll buy you a 0.47 litre, because we use the metric system here.

[@fpxoriginals2571]

Ricky raising his voice awakens some deep fear inside of me and I don’t know why

[@Coolgamer-ys7qt]

It's aggressive sounding isn't it... I can see how going from all-out-laughing to aggression could be triggerIng.

[@bravoactual2423]

Because you’re weak

[@nickbarton3191]

Actually Karl is very insightful. Adam and Eve weren't only innocent, they weren't burdened with having to remember any history... waaaah 😁

[@Gunner_144]

They were completely guilty…

[@savyman2376]

I've been struggling to sleep so I put this on .... job done!

[@elaethmyers3240]

karl should sell his diary as a book.

[@yemn6243]

Listening to Karl, I don't know if I've gained faith in humanity or lost it xD

[@SaveAwesomeMatt]

Funny enough, in college I DID know a guy named Aristotle. Like that was his first name.

[@Syntax1990]

The "How would you put the mirror on the right side of the moon always facing the earth" is actually possible, since the moon is in a geosynchronous orbit so it always shows us the same side.

[@edmckay8647]

They do acknowledge that in a later podcast.

[@tyroon81]

You still wouldn't see the mirror though, so it's pointless😲

[@kiro6119]

@@tyroon81 they actually do have mirrors on the moon and you can see it, so its not pointless

[@tyroon81]

@@kiro6119 You can see your relection in it with the naked eye, like Karl wanted to can you? When I look at the moon, I can't see any mirrors. So I don't really know what point you're making, apart from wanting to make Karl look like he knows what he's talking about. 🤷‍♂️

[@kiro6119]

@@tyroon81 Look it up.

[@louforcier2549]

As a fan of Kaamelott , Karl is like Perceval in real life 🤣 He is just so perfect

[@nathanh8469]

1:50:22 Ricky’s response gets me every time

[@hennessey861]

It's currently 01:48 in the morning, my drunk girlfriend has stressed me the fuck out. Time to listen to these three geniuses and relax

[@leecrawley9862]

Still listening. Every diary entry is an avalanche of piss funny coming to engulf you

[@TheDwarburton]

I thought it said "Dairy".. was ready for a 3 hour milk rant

[@toddchavez4638]

honestly wouldn’t be surprised if karl ranted for 3 hours just about milk lmao

[@ToiletGrenade]

Listened to the whole thing at work, made the day so much more tolerable. 2:21:27 is my favourite bit

[@nickbarton3191]

Just amazing, my stomach hurts, I want someone to make him stop but I'm fascinated at the same time.

[@leminjapan]

I've never heard the last few minutes before. Cheers

[@yemalad1.]

"You an your clocks" 🤣🤣🤣

[@fee8255]

Nikolai Tesla is just one of the many people that understood things beyond what we have been taught… But there were thousands and thousands of others like him that were way ahead of their time.

[@bilbosupermacs3023]

My favourite video to fall asleep too, niiight 🥱 😴

[@juliesheldon3940]

late to the party here but totally agree with Karl about avocado, pineapple and cocnut - if fuit and veg are so good for us why are they such hard work to eat.

[@Theeclarencebird]

it’s to protect themselves

[@weedchuck420]

This is my anxiety fixer, when im all knackered from mum yelling at my older bruv an me uncle being in the yard or in the house.

[@radiochestify]

Also it would be great if somebody was motivated to make english subtitles for english learners it would be easier to understand everything because it's not easy to guess all the jokes from the context . I want to say also that Karl is using very well the language actually, to express with a lot of poetry the feelings that he has as he looks at himself kind of dreaming awake. Just try to write your dreams and make it something beautiful that is not easy. He's investigating on his proper mind, observing his subconscious' speech and writing everything down everyday. I call him a real artist. I'm not totally sure that rick has enough respect for him, but as a comic maybe, they make an interesting pair anyway.

[@burkebrockelbank9471]

I've been watching it with the auto-generated subtitles to check it for you. They are very accurate, so you should be able to use them.

[@lisaphillips9141]

He loves him or he would not be around him. They love each other ❤️

[@aggerum8829]

Karl is the most accidentally funny person alive

[@Nofurtherquestions]

No accident. He's an actor and it's staged

[@LifeOfRy]

@@Nofurtherquestions don't. talk. shite. you. idiot.

[@LifeOfRy]

@@Nofurtherquestions and I suppose Ricky and Steve put him up in Salford, Manchester for his childhood as well? It's the sad gits like you who believe that Karl is an "actor". What a load of nonsense.

[@WHAMaTRON]

Karl makes sense to me I love him lol 😂

[@Real-B777]

Listening to Karl's diary is funny AF 😂😂😂

[@bobbydeuce6486]

25:30 - dreamt about the marshmallow again. I’m still here. I dreamt about the marshmallow again and I’m STILL HERE! I’m getting scared. - dreamt about the marshmallow again. It’s been trying to kill me for a while. It got close this time, though. - dreamt about the marshmallow again. It’s started using spiders because it knows I fear them. It hasn’t realized that I fear it more than any spider. - dreamt about the marshmallow again. It knows now. Dear God! - dreamt about the marshmallow again. It won this time, but it was surprised because… I’m still here. Tonight I take it to that bastard. - dreamt about the marshmallow again. I killed it this time. It got back up. What fresh hell is this?! - dreamt about the marshmallow again. His name is Tom… he’s pretty chill. He then took off my head.

[@jonnysupreme]

If you watch the thumbnail for long enough you'll see Karl blink

[@therakshawolf]

55:48 I feel Karl was lucky with his earbud incident. My dad has a similar story where he had the cotton bud in his ear, got a phone call and he put it right to his ear and smacked it in. Says it's one of the worst pains he's had. Also, my mum has had the cotton of a bud stuck in her ear canal before and it took 2 weeks for her ear to flush it out. My family isn't the brightest

[@400hpGTO]

Karl is more intelligent than most of us

[@robdimambro1674]

Terrifying thought :(

[@omikronweapon]

don't bungle us in with your level mate

[@Pixelwave88]

the problem is that karl's brain is too big so us mere mortals don't fully grasp that karl is a genius

[@christopher19894]

Laces are actually kind of annoying. I see what Karl is saying about velcro: it was smart invention that should've caught on, but it probably never did because it was marketed for kids. His idea about a tie with pockets is hilarious idiocy though haha.

[@bravoactual2423]

17:09 is the best bit

[@iim4xii129]

PISSED my sides first time.

[@skepsisology]

This will become one of the great literary documents, for sure.

[@d1sable]

Builders just going from building to building just building 🤣🤣🤣

[@eliasripley2357]

It gets more and more and more INSANE. The meandering, bizzare leaps of logic, misunderstood EVERYTHING....this man has the (hilarious) mind of someone with learning difficulties, with such confidence in his complete misunderstanding of everything, and makes probably 100 times more money from it than I'll ever make. University really worked out, didn't it!? /s

[@turtleanton6539]

No😅😅😅😅😅🎉

[@markrodney390]

The cure for depression