Straight Black Women are down really, really bad. | Viral Black Love Clip

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[@nnelson4557]

I’m not pro black love. I’m pro going where you’re loved and celebrated. I’ve been in a healthy loving relationship with my black husband for 10 years. No cheating. No abuse. No struggle. From day one he’s moved with intention. We’re equal, in income and in number of degrees. I feel loved and cherished and supported. And I’m grateful for his parents who have a healthy happy partnership for 36 years. And it makes me sad that long enduring respectful love isn’t the norm

[@regale1995]

The norm now seems to be long suffering 🙄😫😳

[@dkt4377]

The swipe left swipe right culture has made access to sex much easier. Women were duped into viewing this new form of sexual liberation as a win but, in reality, its not.

[@ronnienorford256]

Shut up because every other races and culture is pro there race and culture. We are the only race who talk like that. And you wonder why black people are struggling and divided.

[@cannibalisticrequiem]

@@dkt4377 Maybe not for you, but that doesn't mean you get to shame women that choose to date casually. People need to realize sex does not equate love. Choosing to have sex with someone doesn't mean you are in love with them or that you want to marry them. It's just sex. But I learned that as a sex indifferent/sex averse asexual. Sex is not that important to me, in fact it's not important to me at all. On top of that, I'm demi-romantic, so I tend not to fall in love with someone unless I've known them for a long period of time, and have developed a deep emotional connection with the person (so I'm more likely to develop feelings for a friend than I am a total stranger I just met). It's not that deep.

[@Pbbbb]

@@dkt4377 that’s a lie. The reality is tinder has 80% men and 20% of women… 😂😂 google please, that’s old shaming tactics … this is 2022. The girls might hook up and there might be some naive young girls that don’t get it, but MOST women are staying single.. besides the ones who want to “settle with dust” Edit: it’s why the red pill or manosphere exists because men are mad that women have changed the access to every man getting 🐱 or marrying for 🐱 they complain about the divorce rate daily, initiated by women.

[@justcallmebon2684]

Just the idea that black people should date each other BECAUSE we understand each other’s daily traumas is setting the stage for negative trauma bonding. I’ve never been with that. I’ve wanted people to get to know me for me, not for their assumption that we’ve experienced the same traumas in life. Dating BM have always felt like they are dating their assumptions of me, without making an effort to truly get to know me. I’m happily married to a non black man.

[@niratomas579]

Well said!

[@ronnienorford256]

No one cares about your selfhating problem. When you think the other side is better. Putting none black men on a pedestal is selfhating when majority of them don't put black women on a pedestal like y'all do them.

[@noziphotshabalala5018]

While I encourage BW to not limit their options to just BM especially for the sake of being “race loyal” and “black love”, the grass isn’t always greener with non-black men & it’s important to still be mindful that men are still men & to not romanticise non-blk men

[@justcallmebon2684]

@@noziphotshabalala5018 Of course this is very important. However, I’ve found more opportunity to actually build deeper connections based on who we were rather than feeding into stereotypes and assumptions with non-BM. There is this sort of familiarity that is assumed with other black people which sometimes makes people think they don’t have to do the work in actually getting to know you because they somehow already know, which doesn’t ring true to me. I appreciate you stating that caution is needed but I think many BW are adequately cautious of “outsiders” already.

[@annoyedbyyourface]

On a similar note - I feel like anyone dating anyone is gonna date assumptions until you actually get to know the person because nobody knows someone off-bat. Like, that just isn't reality because we're all socialize to hide things about ourselves. So I just wanna point that out to anyone who may have OP's experience because like the OP, you might not realize how common this is.

[@denomen3391]

I don’t think the younger generation is averse to struggle, I think we’ve decided not to deal with UNNECESSARY struggle. Older generations had ridiculous social rules and expectations that relied on them suffering for the sake of keeping up appearances, and young people are realizing those rules are stupid and are not deserving of our energy

[@jozzz222]

Exactly

[@mssan2016]

l also think younger generations will forego marriage because they are heavily " me" based. As to why so many are baby mommas and not wives. l see in the near future, no one will be married and ppl will just date their entire life because the pool of men are getting smaller and especially with black men who many don't seem to be interested in black women

[@blackpaint9332]

I don’t think the younger generation has decided to not deal with struggle therapy is not accessible for most of us, there still a serious chokehold on black people with respectability politics and ignoring mental health/ trauma. The reality is outside of the black people who are lucky enough to obtain college education or to be raised in middle class/upper middle class communities the struggle is very much real outside of the educated black women circle which is still a minority with relation to the actual population of black women overall. I love this content but the reality is having this convo outside of certain educated black peoples circles or middle or higher class circles isn’t taken serious and even in these circles the conversation is still highly fragmented by respectability politics, self hate, traditional roles sponsored by religion, and conspiracy theories unfortunately

[@blackwidow5729]

@@mssan2016 why do you say the pool of men are getting better? Genuinely curious

[@xonae6547]

@@blackwidow5729 bc they feel like they’re the prize and hot commodity. bm tofay are doing the same thing that bm did back in the day

[@zazac9447]

At this point, I've just been doing me, trying to heal, and growing into my best self. Y'all stay safe out there! These streets are not for the weak or the broken

[@louniece1650]

And yet there is no end of 'brokenness' in these streets.

[@traciewalkertalktv665]

Perfect now you can attract your equal sis

[@HuesoAmarilloAfricana]

These streets are for the broken, IF we are being technical lol… there’s literally, nothing but broken people in dem streets 💁🏽‍♀️

[@suzygirl1843]

@@louniece1650 Why are you checking the streets???? Leave the streets and enter the promenade where the white and Asian men are

[@TheFearlessBabe]

Facts. But remember, we all of all races have trauma. I guarantee you that we all will be supporting someone doing the work (heopedully) Just focus on people who have done or are doing the work, not race.

[@thebestofwanjiru_chenyizas2272]

From a lot of the content i have come across...A black love story is incomplete without elements of either infidelity or financial struggle. There has to be an unnecessary testimony where the woman was a victim of the man's bad behavior or incompetence. I will voluntarily miss that train.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

And the longest engagements in Christendom.

[@thebestofwanjiru_chenyizas2272]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 The endurance preached to women in Christendom is basically "spiritual GBV" 😅

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@thebestofwanjiru_chenyizas2272 And sometimes ACTUAL GBV 😞😞😞😞

[@leletaylor7647]

👏🏾

[@louenatnine51]

Truthfully. I'm so turned off from the idea of finding romantic love as a whole. To me, it seems unfeasible at best, and a set up at most.

[@HollanJ]

So simply and perfectly said.

[@CornellG]

Hopefully you find it one day. It’s beautiful with the right person.

[@TrangPakbaby]

Men have decided that they are the real bad b!&ches and all women must fall in line. I have no interest lol

[@aspyn.j_]

Same. But I’m definitely still open to it but I’ll be mostly excluding Black men.

[@MaxineShaw_84]

It exists but I think we need to be realistic about the notion of happily ever after; forever and ever. When expectations are grounded and communication is solid, you open yourself up to MANY soulmate experiences and it's truly beautiful. 💜

[@iwasbornunderwater]

Started therapy 4 years ago. Up side: I'm the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. I feel lighter. Down side: Haven't been able to date one single black man since. They open their mouths and I hear my therapist's voice in my head. It's like they're all walking straight out of a psychoanalysis textbook. Honestly right now it does feels like it's ALL struggle love to me. Like taking a nice long scalding hot bath and then being asked to go play outside 😂 I might be in self preservation mode...I don't know.

[@MsBdoll87]

Saaame!

[@laceyc412]

Agree ! I feel bad cause I literally have no interest in their approach.

[@mimiandy1683]

I am not in therapy. But I am an aro-ace, so I am definitely “an outsider looking in”. There are times in which I am either 🤔, 😬, 🙄, 😒 or 😤 whenever I have to listen to my BFFs’ partners speak. I look at my friends and think ‘ _What drew you to this knucklehead?!_ ‘

[@catmouse2882]

Ummmm....Not dating Black men is a blessing 🙌 If you look at a Black man and see nothing but struggle and waste of time...that's because it is. That's what the universe is telling you. Expand your options. All men are available to you...not just ninjas. Best of luck in your healing journey 🤎

[@niratomas579]

As a collective, BW are in self preservation mode right now🙌🏾

[@talkswitTK]

Blk women so traumatized. I want Own Network and them to stop promoting emotional abuse and struggle love

[@gz5405]

One day we frfr gotta deal w Oprah and Tyler Perry and hold their programming accountable

[@Rice10120]

I don't think that they are promoting it. I think that they are showing black women that they have been taking Ls for hundreds of years.

[@talkswitTK]

@@Rice10120 I was hoping that’s their angle… the girlies have been awakening 🙏🏽👍🏽

[@indiajones750]

@@Rice10120 I feel like Oprah and Tyler Perry feature shows with a lot of trauma drama because it SELLS. It's sad to say it, but there are people out there who really enjoy watching what others would call hardship and turn away from shows that may be more uplifting and require a person to look inward 😕. Unfortunately disfunction pays the BILLS for OWN and Tyler Perry Studios.

[@amateurastronomer9752]

What’s with folks pretending like they got it when they don’t? She’s in school, he lost his job. It’s understandable that they can’t afford to go out. If the lady is her friend, why not explain that to her? Why not offer to cook her and her boyfriend a home cooked meal instead? Like Kim said, he’s buying into the “I must look like a provider even in the times I can’t provide” and she’s buying into the “I must look like I’m married to a provider, even though he’s struggling”. Not blaming them because it’s how we’re conditioned, but it’s much better on the other side.

[@whenyouwishuponastar6643]

I agree!! And it would’ve saved them both money to do something simple.

[@nataliesasha8216]

This ‼️

[@TheDarkAgez]

But it also seems like she was able to afford it and just simply wanted to go out. Like you said, it’s the conditioning, but your partner should be able to cover a meal in front of ppl and it not be a big deal.

[@EspritsFantomes]

Yeah that’s crazy. My friends quit their job or were made redundant. Our next outing is playing board games at my house😂😂 Why would I ask broke people to go eat outside

[@myaco6430]

Yes!!!!!!!! Like I understand, but it was so exhausting for no reason.

[@xonae6547]

i saw multiple clips on tiktok and each one was centered around how much the black woman was willing to go through before finally getting the ring. and ofc there were both bm and bw (especially bm) praising the women and couples. saying how that’s beautiful and exactly how it’s supposed to be. and i’m like, is this what it’s all about? how much i’m willing to put up with before getting a ring, then still (statistically speaking) be in a marriage where it’s centered around serving and obeying him, regardless of how i’m being treated and if my needs are meet? not to mention i rarely see ones where it’s the man “holding her down”… he’s never the one being the ride or die, always the woman. as a 20 yr old, the idea of marriage isn’t even appealing to me because of how our community thinks that it should be

[@claireh8125]

It’s so backwards. No one should have to suffer and go through shit to get engaged. And if anyone should be putting in the work it’s the person who proposes

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

It's just like the Jazzie video which has gone viral on her being "submissive" to her bf Cam Newton. BM praising her to the hilt, using it (as always) to bash "unsubmissive" (and DS) BW. Her "submission" comes from a place of trauma, but never mind about that.

[@DemureSpectabilis]

And I don’t think he’s even fully claimed her, yet here she is, doing all of the above for dude who wouldn’t even wife his longtime girlfriend who had 4 of his kids. Even if she’s doing it for a fat check, there’s something unsavory about the imbalance!

[@KNGDDDE]

That's because it's assumed already the man is operating on that level. I mean picture this, a woman us doing all that for a man who lives in his moms basement... seems pretty stupid right? Sounds like u found a manosphere thread and it'd be nice if you made this clear since the average blk man isn't pilled

[@KNGDDDE]

@@DemureSpectabilis so we're realizing it that the women are the problem right? I'm not bending over backwards for a welfare queen, you shouldn't for bums. (Or narcissistic aashats either)

[@ktsterlin9304]

Whenever someone has to say they are a “provider” it is a red flag for me. It’s the mental gymnastics that comes with it.

[@talkswitTK]

She said he tricked off at the bar made him one 😂😂

[@mitsukislife]

I have to agree; I think that word should only be used by other parties describing the person in question. For example I would describe my dad as a provider but it would be very frickin weird for him to say that about himself unprovoked... that should be the default.

[@ktsterlin9304]

@@mitsukislife yes, and I have to add- I realize in this clip she called him a provider and that still seemed off to me too. I guess no one can win with me but just from the clip and how I hear it used, it seems like she has to make herself smaller so he can “be in his role”. 🙄 that may just be me projecting but the word is used too much today.

[@mitsukislife]

@@ktsterlin9304 I agree with this too. He was right there, and every show has some sort of narrative to push. It doesn't come off as genuine; rather, it comes off as another overused word from internet discourse meant to push us in a certain direction. I personally tuned her out because of the bar story. Sorry but you can't "provide" anything if you are broke 💀😂

[@waltslife155]

If you're a modern woman who's uncomfortable with a man taking a traditional role, that's fine. But there's nothing wrong with a man describing himself as a provider

[@laurenwillmot]

"you will never get, as a woman, more praise, attention, adulation, gifts, support, than when you get married- to a MAN, and that dictates everything else" WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAT that blew my mind, you just blew the lid off of how women are socialized to put their relationships with men above their own well being, tear it up Kim

[@annabizaro-doo-dah]

She's not wrong. Even in 2022 she's not wrong.

[@rutho.6282]

Hit the nail on the head

[@eryabolonha]

God forbid you marry a woman😌😂😂😂😂 completely disgraceful in BCs

[@thesongstylingsoflaradiane5869]

Deep!

[@ayanomar1408]

this still baffels as if “getting married” is an equal accomplished to getting a degree and a good work, I am a STAHM and still struggling to get my degree yet I was praised more for getting married and having kids more than my own personal accomplishments! as if a woman is only worthy when she is attached to a man. sigh

[@kunglaoshat1250]

Such a good point about interracial relationships not automatically being all roses and fairytales. There’s this weird idealization of white men from some black women that I’ve noticed in the last few years. Like the ultimate sign of empowerment is leaving black men behind and the ultimate status symbol is getting a non-black man. It always makes me uncomfortable in the same way that people who are committed to the ideal of “black love” make me uncomfortable. Why can’t people just be with who they want without tying it to some larger social movement? Also Conflict is Not Abuse is amazing and I’m still trying to unpack everything it made me feel.

[@quickpstuts412]

Yessss! I have a friend that tears down BM and uplifts WM every chance she gets. Ironically she's single and never really dated a WM either. But she's obsessed with putting WM on a pedestal which is EQUALLY as unhealthy. Thank you!

[@KNGDDDE]

People can't be with who they want because of gracism, the same system we try so hard to ignore as if it isn't a factor in nearly every semblance of daily life. The thing that ticks me off about "friendly" Africans is how most of you expect us all to act as if it isn't. But saying that being pro black love in 2022 is a problem in itself is wierd. So I must ask, when will the line be drawn? When will it be expected and promoted? Because we all know they history of this planet yet mfs never come up with excuses to have a problem with pale pairings? Yet on the daily I see goofy ppl dragging every semblance of everything attached to blkness down.

[@kunglaoshat1250]

@@KNGDDDE I don’t have an issue with black people being in love. Love is beautiful and should be celebrated whenever people find it. I just think it’s weird when people have to specify “black love” or “swirl” or whatever. I get that race impacts a lot of the ways we move through the world, but when I’m interacting with people on a personal level it’s not the primary thing on my mind. Maybe that makes me naive or a “friendly African”, but I just don’t move like that 🤷🏽‍♀️ When I’ve been with black men I didn’t go into it thinking about the optics of two black people together. When I’ve been with white guys I didn’t constantly feel the need to make a big deal of it. I don’t view my romantic relationships or friendships as an extension of my political beliefs or a chance to “promote” anything. It’s just about my emotional and mental connection with that person.

[@KNGDDDE]

@@kunglaoshat1250 fair enough.

[@ohanaohana8844]

This is a very critical time for bw. We have faced and have dealt with things no other race of woman has to. There is a lot of programming that has to be undone, and part of that programming, is that bw can only be with a bm. A lot of bw are opening there options and discovering a whole new world. I've heard about the difference in treatment, I've seen it with my own eyes, and I have briefly experienced it. Yeah, it may be uncomfortable when bw hold nonbm up on a pedestal, but what do expect after being treated in such a horrifying way for so long?? Yes, we know there are some bad nonbm out there, but your chances of being in a happy and healthy relationship with one is far greater then with bm.

[@BeautifulEarthJa]

Men aint shit Anyway, I'm getting married to one in December Wish me luck

[@stayfly3000]

🤣🤣🤣

[@e93usefu]

😂😂😂😂

[@zazac9447]

Girl 😭 ... Pls! Congrats and good luck though

[@TheMichelex20]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Hollerin.

[@tanyataylor5530]

You are funny.

[@tcg5427]

Her doing that WAS NOT about him! She knew he didnt have it before they left the house...she coulda sent the funds earlier. It was about HER BEING EMBARRASSED to pay in front of her friends.

[@APTTMHYforever]

Period

[@WinxMagicalHero]

Fact

[@beewest5704]

Maybe she needs to sit in that embarrassment & re-evaluate.

[@courtneygilbert852]

Yea it was gross for her to force him to go out on a double date when he wasn’t comfortable just so she could front in front of her friends!

[@channiballecter]

🎯‼️💯

[@SaltWataDawta_]

“Her desire to preserve a certain image “ 👈🏽that part. Ive lived it and I see it ( and see right through it) all the time on these social media streets.

[@VLM123]

Now THIS is a big negative issue across the diaspora--wanting to showcase a certain image. From hiding abuse to body shaming--it's a mess! All to appear to the public to look good.

[@APTTMHYforever]

Exactly!! Been there, done that!! She sent him that money for her own ego especially if the double date bf/husband was a high earner. She couldn’t look like her man was a scrub while her friend man has it all together Sad but true

[@ClowneryAtItsFinest]

Exactly what just@@APTTMHYforever said!

[@gabrielar9611]

It sucks that you can cross off so many miles stones in your life - graduating college, getting a great job, homeownership, etc and society will think your not enough because your not married to a man? I have friends and family who love me but guess they don’t count 🌚

[@RoniiiB]

Exactly, it’s wild how “that’s why you don’t have a man “ is a insult 🙃

[@quickpstuts412]

@@RoniiiB Even more ironic that the people who chant that are usually in the most unstable, unhealthy relationships EVER!

[@RoniiiB]

@@quickpstuts412 facts

[@laynasia2711]

@@RoniiiB Which I don’t understand. It ain’t hard to get and keep a man if you want to do it. Society needs to understand that all women don’t have the same goals of marriage and having kids.

[@yoki1234]

!!!!

[@scottrogue946]

The more I’m by myself, the more I don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m happy and feel like I have more freedom alone. I think it’s a gift to enjoy your own company.

[@renatangaiza7775]

Yesssssss

[@100Stratusfiedx]

I gave the show the benefit of the doubt. I’ve seen multiple episodes and most of the episodes are about the women putting in more effort into the relationship than the men. Usually she gets cheated on. Sorry y’all can’t convince me that having a piece of a man is better than no man at all. Now this viral clip is actually not bad if he’s always been a provider and always had a job.

[@Xara_K1]

Yeah I used to watch it and was like "oof... not for me" 🥺

[@gabby217]

@@Xara_K1 Girl me too, the ghetto. They dress it up like it’s something worth aspiring for.

[@Under_theHill]

Yes! I've seen episodes where a wife was living with her husband and his ex-wife/girlfriend/baby mother, and just thought "Wow!" along with other couples putting up with multiple affairs just to say she has been married for 10-20 years while she has been loyal the entire time. It's sad and not inspirational or motivational at all to me. We have to stop putting admiring to be like these celeb couples just because they may have been married for 10-20 years. A long marriage does not make a happy successful couple.

[@beewest5704]

The clinker is even after doing all this & ending up with a mediocre man he still leaves you for another woman.

[@kunglaoshat1250]

@@Under_theHill I’ve never seen this show, but your comment kind of made me want to. The wife living with the baby mama is some Maury shit 😂

[@verda_renee]

Wasn't TD Jakes just telling us to stop earning so much because we're destroying the community or something? I guess it's cool to be the main earner as long a we're sliding our money to our man so he can still LOOK like he's somehow above us. BM hate us for being independent earners but also rely on us being independent earners to carry where they lack. It's the hypocrisy for me. Which is exactly why I'd rather just work on myself, my platonic and familial relationships and leave it at that. Because at this point, what are the PROS of engaging in these romantic relationships? Optics only? So people don't think I'm the miserable woman that can't keep a man? I'm good. I'm not putting up with emotional ineptitude, cheating, misogyny, control etc just for optics and vibes.

[@catmouse2882]

Black men ain't the only option sis

[@verda_renee]

@@catmouse2882 true. The mindset that men outside my race will never really understand me is a hard one to un-learn. I'm a work in progress stil. 🥴😔

[@niratomas579]

@@verda_renee it’s hard to unlearn but I highly encourage you to try it! Once you get the treatment you deserve, you will NEVER want to go back! Besides, what I see in the BM/BW struggle relationships is a lot of negative trauma bonding! It doesn’t hurt to to go on one date with a man of a different race! You may find exactly what you’re looking for! I wish you all the best💗

[@beewest5704]

TD Jakes is so wrong & hypocritical. Who does he think bought him his private jet? Not these men that he wants women to lessen themselves for. Who buys his books? Not these men that instead of upgrading themselves expect women to lessen themselves. Does anybody think of the kids in this dynamic being raised by a weak, lazy man & downtrodden woman?

[@verda_renee]

@@beewest5704 right. The only thing these BM think about is their egos. As long as it serves their ego, everyone else can burn. And we see that play out every day in the homes and communities they abandon for that very reason. It's shameful and sad.

[@catflon2388]

I stopped watching that show after one episode. It perpetuates all the relationship ideals that have kept BW stunted generation after generation. I withdraw all kinds of support for shows like these. They do us, as a collective, a great disservice and will undo all the progress we have made in trying to reprogram.

[@BeautifulEarthJa]

Amen.

[@nataliesasha8216]

Yes, especially almost every single story the man has cheated

[@Nooooooooooooooooooooo7913]

I think partnering with straight cis men as a whole black or otherwise is kind of a dub tbh

[@destinylove1673]

This is a conversation that needs to be had. I’m ready for a matriarchal movement

[@jozzz222]

I never thought I would get to this point but I feel the same. I’m in such a drastic different mindset nowadays then I was in my 20s it’s crazy. I don’t think it has anything to do with being jaded or hurt but more so coming to terms with the reality of different things occurring in our world and how to navigate in the best way you can when coming to terms with it.

[@ninagrace-lee8323]

Idk my bf is cool. I mean he’s not perfect but as far as cis relationships go, I’m happy with my choice.

[@channiballecter]

💯

[@NoName-sp5dp]

@@ninagrace-lee8323...you gave birth for your bf?

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

I've noticed a very interesting pattern amongst (some) BW who widen their dating options. They sometimes end up marrying a BM; a better quality one than they met before. I think this is because once they widened their options they lost their scarcity mentality and gained an abundance one.

[@ohanaohana8844]

Describe " better" quality bm. There is no doubt those women still settled and the bm they are with are still lacking in one or more critical areas. You may go from broke bm to bm with a good job, but how does he treat you?? How engaged is he with his children?? Does he help around the house?? Being a provider is only one of the main components to being a good man.

[@PinocchioDread]

@@ohanaohana8844You’re making a lot of assumptions

[@Nikki-ks6wi]

Good point about our generation not wanting to experience struggle.

[@nawal10]

Yet struggle is all around us 😩

[@hilo6487]

Yeah, this is why, as a heterosexual Gen Z BW, I date all races of men. I feel there 's a weird dynamic in Black relationships. the BM i've been courted by, for the most part, have been wonderful, as have the non BM. But struggling from working togetherness and be a team vs struggling because of ego (giving him money so he can look like he can pay) emotional and mental (and even physical) neglect is just not for me. Regardless of his race. EDIT: I feel us Gen Z truly believe in the saying 'choose your hard'. Like I said, I'm not into the emotional neglect due to trauma love. I'm more of the, 'Can't pick where to vacation next or to compromise on Friday takeout instead of eating in' kind of lover.😂 And, again, regardless of the man's race.

[@niratomas579]

Opening up my dating options has been so eye-opening! What a difference🥵

[@catmouse2882]

I love to hear young BW expanding their options beyond BM🤎🖤🤎

[@dkt4377]

Per Kevin Samuels, be hypergamous. If you can get better dating outcomes by dating out side your ethnicity, then do so.

[@quickpstuts412]

As a Gen Xer, I am so proud of the Gen Z generation. You and the younger millennials are finally starting to see that love doesn't have to be a struggle and that you do have options! Date out and often. Don't limit yourself to just one race. Good for you!

[@kilimanjaro5537]

Also gen z and I agree with this statement.

[@MaxineShaw_84]

Your 2nd call-out answered the first question of why even force him to go out if he doesn't have it. She was absolutely doing dual duty of keeping up appearances for her own pride AND protecting his ego. He didn't catch onto her full game and now it's their whole "when did you know" story, so she's gonna forever ride that glory. Pride is gonna keep showing back up as a lesson until it's dealt with. 😅

[@kemunapeace2441]

She don't get to maintain her sense of pride in his struggle story? Huh?

[@T.Alexis926]

Yup!!! Spot on! Goes to show the heavy price/investments one will have to make in subsidizing somebody's else pride to protect yours. She was definitely trying to keep up appearances with the other couple. And I'm pretty sure this behavior has made a cameo or two in their marriage if they haven't confronted it. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@MaxineShaw_84]

@@T.Alexis926 Subsidizing somebody else's pride to protect yours. ✍🏿✍🏿✍🏿 My God today...

[@LX-kt90rx]

You will also get an unreal amount of praise when you have your first baby after you marry the man. But any babies after that and people expect you to pop it out and be ready for a decathlon 5 minutes later. It’s crazy the amount of social reward you get for getting married and having one baby. Gotta do it in that order though. If it’s “out of order,” you’re not getting the praise. Society is so whack.

[@tacrewgirl]

This!

[@quickpstuts412]

And women get "high" off that praise, but the there is often a BIG FALL after the newness wears off. The optics of it all look great on the outside, but I know too many women (especially 35 and over) who got the praise, baby, etc. But years later, many of them are shouldering the burden of being the financial provider, stuck in jobs they hate but have to stay because their husband can't hold it down financially. Then they end up resenting their husband and wonder why they aren't fulfilled and happy. Then they have the NERVE to act like I got 3 heads 'cause I'm not married. Chile, bye. No thanks.

[@Naturalbeautybee]

Tryna find love in a hopeless place is correct. We bought the dream not considering the issues in our community, and childhood traumas. Black Women generally suffer because of being too strong for black men and or discounting ourselves for black love. Black men literally can do what they want with no consequence. I hate it here.

[@kombey1]

Black women suffer because of their poor choices in men .

[@KNGDDDE]

Stop saying too strong and call it what it is, uncooperative. I don't really know what ur getting at, but I can tell ya there's definitely consequences for blk men. I'm actually quite confused as to what you mean by there are none! Care to explain.

[@zephyrmajor5618]

@@KNGDDDE Correction, BW are too cooperative, that's why we have the highest DV risks and Black femicide rates. The best thing BW can do is "Atlas shrug" the entire Black community and move on.

[@Naturalbeautybee]

@@KNGDDDE I say strong because as a whole, black women do more than black men. I dont like the word strong, but it is what it is. But we are more educated, run businesses, raise families, take care of elderly family members, speak out against injustice/racism, Are community leaders, we stabalize a home more than our male counterparts do, we are more dependable, and generally if things need to get done workplace, home, or relationship we guarantee it. While black men generally (exceptions always) slinging peen is priority and rarely provide a cushion for us so strong we are forced to become. Men can literally can do what they want cus the bar is generally low, And because we are outnumbered. Way more solid women for them to choose from than solid men for us. Not to mention black women proactively heal traumas and wounding while men just move their wounds and trauma on to the next relationship cus well they can. Little to No consequence for not being/doing better, why? Cus theres always a black woman to take you in broken and low functioning to pick up the pieces. And if or when they become better and more to offer they get in a relationship with a non black woman.

[@KNGDDDE]

@@Naturalbeautybee please stop. There are trash ppl of all races and sexes. I think most ppl in general are sub par partner and ppl for most of their young lives. If you want to sit here and act like every blk man is some knucledragger on the prowl for puss and a place to stay, that's ur opinion. But the socioeconomic metrics just don't support that. There's entire non profit research and study groups screaming that on all level bm are the most involved fathers yet bdubs still making the claims of fatherlessness . Then to sit here and act holier than thou.. maaaan please lol, black people got issues. Noted. If bdubs treated their men better, helped em out, worked with them, built things together... COOPERATION! But yall give blk men the bare fxcking minimum and expect the world in return. Most of the "damge" bdubs complain about is self inflicted. Whether it's yall giving the wrong dude a chance, having babies you shouldn't, overworking urselves... ion even know why I asked lol, I must've been in a good mood previously.

[@GabAlexis]

I feel like the pros need to outweigh the cons when seeking lifetime partner. Any relationship is gonna bring struggles/ differences that you’ll have to work though but you should not be consistently drained from the relationship your in.

[@iwasbornunderwater]

Totally agree. I believe in picking my struggles and even when i pick a struggle - struggle cannot be the theme of whatever relationship I'm in.

[@peo_peo]

right and a lot of times you always have to take into account little personality conflicts that come about. relationships really stretch your ability, develop your capacity for being able to understand other people and feel compassion for them. additionally, conflicts can be a result of not understanding the inner dynamics of oneself and unknowingly projecting those conflicts in a relationship; saying it's the other person's fault. when really, the struggle is rooted in an inability to feel secure in a relationship (for example).

[@DiamondBlack06]

This has been my question for YEARS! I have witnessed some f/u shit and when it came time for me to date, my discernment meter was waaaaay off. Put up with so much in my 20s that I refuse to budge in my 30s. The “rewards” of a relationship never seem worth the “risks”.

[@mackenzyphilippe7508]

Hence the age of situationships but that always leaves one party content and the other wanting more

[@KNGDDDE]

Translation "I messed with goofball in my youth so now I need a REAL MAN as I've reaching my exit of my sexual prime"

[@DiamondBlack06]

@@KNGDDDE I know it can be hard to take what people say at face value, but if you desire a relationship, me not wanting one doesn't prevent you from getting what you want.

[@DiamondBlack06]

@@mackenzyphilippe7508 I agree! Everything feels like one party is trying to get the most out the other with minimal investment and that kind of dynamic feels problematic so the only ethical approach i could think of is to opt out until im ready to risk losing something.

[@KNGDDDE]

@@DiamondBlack06 why even respond if everything you wanted to get across is irrelevant? You could've either confirmed if my summation was true or not, because that's all I responded with.

[@msjigglypuff91]

I didn’t expect Kim to be the one paying in the relationship. But when she said she only dates black men, I wasn’t surprised anymore.

[@KimberlyNicoleFoster89]

Depends on the relationship. I've dated payers and non-payers. The most recent payer I dated was completely unhinged. I'll pay for a man who makes my life easier.

[@catmouse2882]

@@KimberlyNicoleFoster89 If you paying he's not making your life easier,sis. I'm surprised a beautiful BW like yourself would restrict yourself to only one group of men. Hope you find your Black 🦄 😬

[@KimberlyNicoleFoster89]

@@catmouse2882 I get that I'm untraditional because money is just money if I'm getting the experience I want. I like to be in control, and money affords me the ability to do that.

[@graceblossoms130]

@@catmouse2882 this thought process is very regressive.

[@minachoo-ho1362]

@@KimberlyNicoleFoster89 This comment sounds like traditional trickin, not a relationship'. Paying for an experience you want and doing so to gain control will only work on black males. So you can't really say you only date BM by choice when your style of dating is acceptable to them. I mean, phenotypically, you are not the preference for the majority of BM. I think you're beautiful and you should seek out men that give you the experience you want out of love and respect, not money. If you try to control a man with money he will resent you.

[@Kcelloo]

I've built a relaxing struggle-free life for myself and I don't feel like giving it up just for appearances...

[@SHIFTmeditations]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 This! I am living a soft life now, no turning back towards performative relationships!!

[@tees9135]

It’s the struggle free for meeeeeee 🙋🏾

[@valenciaing.4316]

She literally took advantage of the situation to perpetuate a struggle they didn't need to have. I'm tired of alot of women proving they can hold a man down by needless accounts

[@FitPasson]

It’s absolutely disgusting, how about stop 🛑 jumping into something, just to say you have someone. Let them figure out their life so you don’t have to send him money 💰 🙄. I noticed how right after she did that he lit up that’s a red flag 🚩. Now he knows she will take care of me it’s a set up 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@starcherry6814]

I'm not gonna be too nitpicky about that TikTok At the end of the day, their relationship is pretty healthy The ride or die role Black women are expected to play is our downfall We've got Black men leeching off of us and degrading us for being providers (while living off us) and we're expected to disregard the emotional abuse because he's gonna get back on his feet ONE day.

[@Dangerous_Peace]

Sounds stupid 🤮🤢 YUCK

[@Lee-ks1en]

@@Dangerous_Peace Because it is. And any woman who buys into it is a fool! BM are not worth it. Next!

[@princessleah187xx4]

Church👐👐👐👐👐👐 it's our fault too. The community babies BM to the point where the males are the ones who seek out providers (ride or die chick) no thank you. I'll stick with Latino men.

[@KNGDDDE]

I mean yall are the ones with bums...

[@annieothername]

For reallll

[@alphacharm]

Folks need to learn how to be happy single. Yes it’s hard but you’ll be happy at the end of the day. I want to own my own stuff and not have to share it with anyone.

[@alisanina]

It’s not hard to be single. It’s not lonely. It’s not depressing. It’s not selfish. It’s absolute freedom.

[@alphacharm]

@@alisanina it is for some, if everything falls on you when things don’t go your way and you have no back up.

[@alphacharm]

@@alisanina nope everyone doesn’t have friends or family and I know singlesness gives you freedom because I enjoy it.

[@amberlvly8737]

@@alisanina Amen. This statement needs to be a t-shirt and a book.

[@choconethotcoco4717]

I've been single for a really long time and I can say what I get out of it is full freedom (mentally and financially) and the most important thing is PEACE!!! Oh and let me mention I live in a city with no family and very few friends. Yes the financial responsibility is on you only but that should be a foundation to help you stay on track.

[@BellesView]

6:24 was cathartic to hear. The Love and Marriage franchise (Huntsville and DC) led me to divest from the idealistic Black couple goals. Would love to hear a part two to this topic. We appreciate you pumping out quality content back to back!

[@5thcity]

Baby she been giving me a little pop a lil news a lil relationship and a lil drug content baby this new Kim album no skips lol

[@darienfowler8102]

That’s it right there. You were looking to a reality show to validate your idea of Black love. Nothing is ideal.

[@EvolvingMama_]

I just watched a very insightful video from nappyheadedjojoba essentially covering this topic 🗣 I would love to hear Kim expand on it as well 👏🏾

[@cannibalisticrequiem]

I saw this post shared by someone I follow on Tumblr, and I feel like it pretty accurately depicts how people in monogamous, heteronormative relationships tend to view relationships in general: " 'Relationships are work' *means* 'You have to put effort into loving each other intentionally & learning how to love each other and communicate properly' _not_ 'Your relationship makes you feel stressed and sad most of the time & the other person disrespects you and treats you bad but you stay anyway'."

[@tacrewgirl]

Yikes! Why are people in such horrible relationships? My mom said, off someone loves you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused.

[@nightwishisthegreatestband6355]

@@tacrewgirl relationships have always been work. That Disney fantasy that someone will love you every day is just that. A fantasy. You think your partner is going to love you 24/7/365?

[@mizanna622]

@@nightwishisthegreatestband6355 What exactly is the "work"? What do people do in relationships besides have sex and go out for food? Since most Black relationships don't lead to marriage, you're putting yourself at risk for out of wedlock babies -- so what exactly was the work that the man did in this scenario?

[@cmg25]

My partner and I have been through a trauma storm the past couple of years. Who pays for dinner is the LEAST of our worries. Communication and honesty are the bedrock of why we were able to weather many external storms. Watching my parents and relatives taught me the most about how to maintain a relationship. Modern dating advice is mostly entertainment if you have not fully sat with yourself about who you are and who you want to be. All relationships require compromises. However, partnership should not feel like a betrayal of self and values.

[@brigettemajake8118]

"They are both doing things that are nonsensical and foolish but they're both deeply committed to the act"... true, they are both clowns.

[@talkswitTK]

She was alarmingly invested in controlling their narrative

[@KimberlyNicoleFoster89]

Sorry about the audio, y'all! Comment for the algorithm! and come to my DFW Happy Hour on 8/16! augusthappyhour.eventbrite.com/

[@Nikki-ks6wi]

Hey girl just wanting to send some support subbie for 5+ years!

[@birdiewolf3497]

You are right! We have no real road map in understand what is the right amount of conflict and obstacles that are healthy, and we just have to hope that it doesn't bite us in the ass down the line. That's why I hate when men want to "hold women accountable" when women struggle to find good partnerships and get mistreated. Like I don't think men realize they alot of them come off the same way that the only difference is the degree. You pretty much have to hope that it's not that bad. It's like all the apples in the bunch are poisoned, but some are less poisonous than others. And it's your job to pick the ones that won't kill you.

[@mizanna622]

Men are not qualified to "hold women accountable." It's the chauvinism for me.

[@Kiamber_]

Ughhh this is such a complex topic. I’ve been saying for years that I wish more BW would be open to dating outside the race or dating each other. Many of us be asking for BM that are college educated, make more money than us, are faithful, and don’t have a criminal record. By the time you add all the filters, the dating pool is severely limited and the men that are left KNOW they are a hot commodity and will pit us against each other. What do you want? A BM at any cost or to be happy? Would love to see a pt. 2 of this topic. Thank you!

[@catmouse2882]

This...all of this💯 I'm sick of BW allowing themselves to be held hostage to Black men...when there are other race of men that meet our criteria for partnership. There is simply not enough educated, crime free, family values, good income BM to go around. Us BW have no choice but to date out.

[@porscheamartin]

I just think that the narrative of black men are bad so date other races of men is a bit toxic. Yes! Be open to loving people who are different from you, but also know that other races don’t have love figured out any more than black people. Confront your own barriers to love and seek partners who hold those values. If you’re seeking patriarchal man who makes more money than you, they exist in all races and it’s not better because they aren’t black. People are people.

[@mnkwazi]

@@porscheamartin How long are BW going to play this game? IF they had the option to date out they would.

[@Breonaleonard]

Yes! My exact thoughts. I am no longer pressed or THAT interested in BM. The ones I’m interested in are few and far between like you said. I’ve expanded my dating pool a long time ago. I’m marriage minded, accomplished, career oriented and date hypergamous. Many of them aren’t on that same wave.

[@ronnienorford256]

You act like date out won't be a struggle because it will be. So that your selfhating ass somewhere else. You think other races of men are better than Black men when I never hear that coming from other communities but ours. Majority of none black men prefer dating their own race.

[@laceyc412]

Imo lack of education is hindering us, many bw are educated but it's hard to find men that are equally yoked, yet they desire "submission" which means if u date down, it inadvertently means "dim your light -so mine can shine brighter" and women have to dumb themselves down in order to stroke their ego. That in itself causes frustration on both sides , cause many BM want to lead but don't have the mental capacity to, but then label the women as "masculine" because we don't want to allow you to lead us to nowhere .. then bw are compared to other groups of women, but BM don't take into account these other groups of men actually value education which is why they're dominate. Until we address the root of the problem we're going to continue to have this gender war .

[@catmouse2882]

Black women need divest and date out already. We look crazy trying to hitch our wagon to society's rejects.

[@niratomas579]

I’d also like to add that another root cause is father absence in the home! I’ve noticed that men who didn’t grow up with a present dad in the home carry a lack mindset! As someone who grew up with a loving dad in my life, it’s so obvious how they carry themselves!

[@niratomas579]

@@Cocoflower528 I should have specified: emotionally involved fathers! But you’re right! They may be physically present but it doesn’t mean they’re there emotionally!

[@mizanna622]

@@niratomas579 You're making excuses for them. Regardless of whether a father is present or not, they choose to be how they are. There are tons of men who are great males, who didn't have a father in a home. That rhetoric has been beaten to death, because y'all simply don't want to believe the truth about them.

[@niratomas579]

@@mizanna622 I do agree! Once you become an adult, it is up to you to work on yourself to be a decent human being! I was simply adding that I notice immediately when a male does not have a masculine guidance in his life as someone who grew up with a loving, supportive dad! They stand out to me!

[@coilyqueen312]

People try so hard to put up a facade worry more about what it looks like then what it is. Never questioning the validity of what they are trying to project and it's toxicity. I'm living a life of ease and anybody who is engaging, nurturing, or enriching my life is welcome independent of their financial status (perhaps easy to say since I'm comfortable financially) but I'm not going to play these types of games to boost their ego.

[@Under_theHill]

I'm very grateful my partner does not need his ego stroked in this manner because that is too much effort just to save face. We each contribute what we can when we go out, and I love being able to treat him to dinner sometimes considering how much he provides for our family in financial, emotional and household ways. They honestly should not have went out if they could not afford it, and he told her that but she wanted her way and like Kim said "keep up appearances" It's sad and seems like a lose lose scenario. I feel like this behavior contributes to difficulty with building generational wealth in the black community as well

[@lemoncholyme]

BM are struggle love. Rarely do you see any woman happily married to a BM. It happens, but the likelihood is slim.

[@Toi84Toi]

I am Over it to be honest (regardless of race). I said there's more to life than this mess out here... I'd rather travel, make dope memories, and experience LOVE WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS who I know love me in real life and not just when it's convenient for them.

[@roshellegouldbourne787]

Amen.

[@tees9135]

A word!!

[@TEHU63]

WORD!!

[@kaydeep7880]

You can’t marry or start a family with your family or friends. Travelling will get old, you will get old too. Snap out of it, you will find love soon.

[@cmechell4702]

Sis said “I was Simpin over a black man this morning” 😂😂 New subby here! I love your personality

[@mitchmvtch]

I would definitely like a part 2 exploring the affects of trying to avoid the conflict or struggle in modern relationships.

[@itsthatdangGina]

I trauma bonded and went through struggle love in my early 20s and almost died by the hands of that bm. I learned quick from that and found someone who didn't have much in common with me but went on to give me 20 years of bliss. No cheating, beating, or financial struggles. He also happens to not be a blk man. I am all for loving who loves you.

[@ladyandrews9371]

I love your channel, I can certainly appreciate a different perspective. I have been out the dating game for over a decade and my marriage is very traditional. However, my husband understands my need to have autonomy over my own person spaces but we very much so follow traditional gender roles. I am very happy to be provided for and catered to by my husband. Now, I have teenage daughters and it’s important that I be well versed in what’s going on in order to better serve my children by being open minded and knowledgeable about alternatives. Great channel❤️

[@malhunt7]

I've never dated a black man and I never will! They remind me of my family and it weirds me out.

[@333Kandis]

Wow, I went to college with the guy in this video. He was our college choir director. Honestly, he was a good person or at least he was good at his role in the choir. I can see him being down about not being able to pay for a meal. He always presented himself as a “big brother” figure type who has everything taken care of so I can see him wanting to preserve a certain image in his relationship.

[@drednd5837]

Keep them coming Kim! You are truly feeding us

[@aloveaffairwithself]

I’ve been dating outside of the black community for a while, and I’ve been having much better dating experiences since then. I don’t do struggle love anymore, and most black love is struggle love. Unfortunately.

[@niratomas579]

The experience is night and day🥵 Omg! What a difference! I encourage BW to open up their options because they’d see how different the treatment is and renounce struggle love!

[@aloveaffairwithself]

@@niratomas579 I think even based on this video she did, most of us won’t. Because she said in the video that even though it’s a struggle, she dates exclusively black men. I honestly think most of us just have Stockholm Syndrome and have been groomed into staying with a group of men who don’t even show us the same loyalties that we show them as a collective.

[@niratomas579]

@@aloveaffairwithself It’s pathetic and sad that BW are putting their personal happiness on hold while BM proclaim to the world their disdain for BW!😔 I have noticed that more BW opening up their options these past few years but you’re right-We are NOT at the tipping point yet; nowhere close! But for the few BW who got the memo? I wish us all the best! 🥂

[@seashellsally]

You all’s dating experience may be better with other races of men but when they decide to marry, they marry their own women. I’m getting really tired of bw advising other bw to date out .. even when they “ date out “ they don’t get proposed to or if they do get “ married “ they still have to go 50/50 no ones getting a better deal from “ dating out “

[@aloveaffairwithself]

@@seashellsally There are black women dating out and getting married at rates faster than they would if they only dated men from the black community. Statistically, the black community has the highest divorce rates. And the LOWEST marriage rates out of every other group of people. It literally makes more sense to date out or expand your options. The men who create the most broken homes and single mothers are black. No matter what color of women they date or marry. And statistically, the longest lasting marriages are those between men of no color and black women. The reality is that most of us will be unmarried/baby mamas if we don’t date out. The odds are not in our favor based on the black American population alone. We aren’t even talking about the amount of black men that aren’t eligible, gay, or having relationships and children with the lighter skinned preferences of women leaving most of the phenotypically black women to rot. There is trash in every race. And if you don’t change how you move, you’ll get the same results wherever you go.

[@marsha1758]

Black love gives me heartburn! I can't really bring myself to watch it anymore.

[@maybemablemaples2144]

My mom stayed with a man that abused us and stole from us to fund his drug habit. She married him, paid for *everything* and he pawned off her wedding ring. She was so happy to get married that she ain't listen to no one. She's done with him but just the fact that I had to watch that during my teenage years made me never ever want to follow that. Bm done did too damn much for me to ever trust. I mean I'm gay but I still get a bad taste in my mouth when a ain't shit ass dude start trying to hit me up.

[@zemesq]

Figuring out for ourselves what is too much “struggle” is the key. And that’s an individual assessment as to how far beyond your boundaries (if you have any) are you willing to go.

[@sheenaontheinternet]

It’s all a scam! No matter the race. But sometimes it feels lovely ! Lol

[@tangy_t33]

Sometimes I feel like I have to pick a “struggle” because something is always gonna be wrong or something you might not like. Honestly it gets tiring ugh 😩

[@dp1202]

All black love symbolizes to me is bw get scammed and bm get a greater return with little to no investment. At this point, I’m focused on me, my health, my finances and my spirit. Treating people how I want to be treated, maintaining solid boundaries and not inserting any bull in to my life whether it be family, friendships, or relationships with men. A relationship would be great but, I’m certainly not compromising my finances, peace or health to have one. Lastly at this point, I no longer feel me and bm are compatible I have accepted about 2 years ago and am ok with it.

[@Dangerous_Peace]

Periodt ‼️‼️‼️

[@taylor7326]

The only thing I have in common with bm is our femininity 🙃

[@catmouse2882]

@@taylor7326 BM love to rest in femininity don't they?🤣 Masculine pride is a foreign concept to this nakers.

[@taylor7326]

@@catmouse2882 I get secondhand embarrassment from their presence. They really seem to have no idea how pathetic they are...yikes.

[@niratomas579]

@@taylor7326 😭😂😂

[@MoreAboutNothingPod]

Obstacles and struggles are two different things…. Stop picking the struggle stop dating broke men

[@shenaihylton]

I felt really emotional about this topic as well. Thank you for breaking down different sides to this narrative.

[@jlcii]

As a Black mixed woman ( Afro/Native Puerto Rican dad, Biracial black/white mom) who has been with a white / Mexican man for over 6 years, I can say my experience has not been white picket fences, financial privilege, or the stereotype perfectly happy relationship because "I chose to swirl." He's doesn't come from money, and came from his own background of struggles like I did. I got with him because he is an attractive gentleman that treats me right, and I wasn't about to limit myself and my happiness over the social expectation that because both of my parents are of Black mixed heritage, I "better" bring home a Black man only. It wasn't without some opposition and questioning from some of my family members, but in the end, I chose love over cultural expectations for me. But chile, yes we have been through it. We've been homeless together. We were engaged but broke it off because we weren't ready. We've took a months-long break at one point due to clashing and differences. But overall, we love each other, and we have stood by each other through happy highs, and crazy ass lows. Ultimately, we have still been figuring things out, but we have been honest with each other to know that we definitely love each other and want to be together. So I definitely agree with Kim's statement that even with interracial couples, Black love has its struggles. I think it's because us as Black people, even mixed folk like myself, unfortunately have been exposed to struggles culturally, socially, and economically throughout our lives, but also throughout our generations and inherited experiences. And it can affect things in a relationship, and be challenging mentally and emotionally.

[@MrKylelee18]

I liked this video. You pointed out how silly it was for the wife to force him to go out and for him to feel like he has to pay for everything, everyone all the time. I’ve been happily married for almost 12yrs and it was still hard work because life doesn’t stay the same. Ups and downs will come no matter how prepared you are but it’s important that both partners are able to support each other and allow themselves to be supported without feeling less than.

[@TheSomethingnew1]

The Black community is very traumatized and both sides lack accountability. Yes there are exceptions but as a whole, I can’t really gauge which way we are going lmao. Respectability Politics, Homophobia, Sexism, arguing about splitting bills, luxury this luxury that, high value men and where to find them, the obsession to humble black women, calling black men bullet bags, etc. With that being said, I’m not surprised that the love is struggling. There is no progress.

[@Xara_K1]

I just need the word accountability removed from the black lexicon. It's honestly tired and the both sides argument is flawed because we are often comparing f*mic!de with weave

[@corndo9]

@@Xara_K1 exactly. Fighting back, retaliation, stooping to their level, etc., doesn’t mean it’s “both sides.” At the end of the day there’s still a group who a)is in a position of power and b)has by and large used that position of power to do harm against a group that has by and large self-sacrificed for them. We can talk about how certain things happening within both groups aren’t okay, but neither are they comparable

[@TheSomethingnew1]

@@Xara_K1 I just don’t think most black people have the range to truly do the inner work and come to terms with a lot of things about ourselves that will be a harsh reality. It’s just constant finger pointing, so yes accountability. My comment isn’t to diminish other issues but simply to say there is too much work needed to be done in order for there to truly be “black love” that doesn’t involve struggle. And most of the conversations are not serious. I will say that it seems like more women are at least trying but what good is it if your partner doesn’t try to do the same?

[@PHlophe]

i think its a global diasporan issue frankly. Pre-marital counselling and pre-marital genetic test should be mandatory before people commit to a relationship. i did both for my current and longest relationship. its working for me. but respectability politics are insane across the diaspora. Being coerced into being on code to accommodate bigotry , double talk and what have you. as a man i see it all. most of my uncles are terrible human being . they are nicer now because they grapple with death. but they've ruined most women's lives.

[@missyd1215]

@@TheSomethingnew1 just to reiterate what has already been said, I think you're comparing apples to oranges. I dont think it's fair to reduce the issues bw face that are perpetuated by bm as "finger pointing." It's also dishonest to say bw don't take accountability, because not only do bw take accountability, we're often scapegoated for a lot of the issues in the black community.

[@calliope7479]

Schulman! I read that book cause of your recommendation. Thanks so much for all your work!!!

[@Bizzybeen003]

Such a good conversation! Thanks Kim!

[@kizziematthews5909]

Thought I wasn’t going to agree with you, but here I am like “yes girl YES”

[@onarosebeam]

To me the concept of black love has always been about having someone having similar traumas and life experiences (being American descended of slaves). Obviously there will be differences but for me it’s a level of understanding that I feel will be harder to find.

[@onarosebeam]

Not saying it’s better or worse but that’s just how I’ve viewed it

[@ariwilliams130]

I get exactly where you're coming from. I'm attracted to multiple different races but I have experienced a different level of understanding (of being seen) when talking to/getting to know bm I am interested in. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to be able to relate to shared trauma/experiences. It just shouldn't be the glue that holds the relationship together. (Just my opinion tho)

[@Xara_K1]

But many Bm lack empathy for Bw on the whole because Bm lack empathy for each other, so that doesn't really track, the whole level of understanding thing. Bm continuously show they mainly value Bw when the Bw identify our struggle only thru them. In the video b4 this I jokingly commented how my friend says being a bm is a red flag, and a bm immediately came on to state that I h8 bm. Never questioned why I would make that comment or why a bw would feel that way. And when I asked what makes bm lovable, he didn't come back. Now he could've just not seen it which is fair. But I've been asking bm online and in person this question for the last 5 years, and hand to my heart, I have yet to get a response from bm that isn't about struggle. And it's bcoz Bm don't see Bw and individuals. They see us as an extension of their whims. As a result, a Bw who doesn't seek to be an option for them to use is immediately an enemy, so I'm confused how understanding plays a part when the community is dealing with a group of men who don't exhibit that understanding typically

[@onarosebeam]

@@Xara_K1 it’s like a baseline. It’s not my rubric. It’s just to know that on some level we’re coming from the same place. Because honestly it’s not a requirement for a relationship or what I judge a relationship on. It doesn’t mean automatically that they’re going to be a good person or that the relationship will work. That’s why Black Love™️ isn’t something that I’m aiming for. It’s just how I see the concept

[@hottstepher]

@@Xara_K1 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

[@benedictevi5007]

The comment section though! I've learnt so much through the community's comments! This is where you know how insightful your video is: it really triggers thoughtful debates 👏

[@ereka333]

It is a lot of work. She has to make herself smaller so that he can feel more like a man. His ego is fragile as hell. I feel like this a common theme in hetero relationships. I’ve experienced it myself. Why do some men only feel like a man when someone needs them?

[@jusletursoulglobaby]

that's the outdated setup. and the need, unfortunately, is always financial. emotionally... straight men be straight up on the short bus drooling with a helmet

[@ERoss338]

@@jusletursoulglobaby actually it’s Biology lol. Not a “setup”

[@rosasellers1813]

​@@ERoss338 right it's instinctual. if women don't like a man like that I'm sure there are men who have less of that desire and carry a more feminine view. none of it is right or wrong.

[@annieareyouok7671]

@@rosasellers1813 it’s instinct for men to have small ego and need ego stroking?

[@jusletursoulglobaby]

@@ERoss338 if it was biology genius every male on earth would feel that way. dont be daft.

[@adriarchy]

That philosophical part about possibly going to the extreme to avoid relational hardships off parents and whoever is, is something I'd been contemplating for as long as I can remember. And it helped me really know I was aro ace too.

[@BK-lf1nw]

sometimes I watch these clips after watching on patreon just to catch the edit and your editor is doing a fantastic job 👏🏽

[@itskrisandrea]

Please please make a video on the last minute of your conversational piece on how millennials and younger gens, in an act to combat our “fore mothers birthright of struggle”, how we as a collective have completely steered to the other side of the pendulum in its extreme entirety and no tolerating the simple inconvenience lol. Btw absolutely love your channel!!💕

[@mizanna622]

Define "simple inconvenience"? Also, can we appreciate the fact that perhaps our fore mothers would not have stayed in marriages as long, if they could open bank accounts and have access to the jobs/careers that we women have today?

[@monimuppet6132]

The conversation on whether ideas have gone too far in trying to avoid all conflicts and struggles is indeed important to have. Very few explicitly say that's what they believe but it is so often implied in how they critique people's relationship choices. I like to call it the expectation of perfect progression; believing that once someone goes through a negative situation, they should never ever find themselves in that position again. Human beings just aren't like that. It is very common for us to try a thing any number of times, for any number of reasons, before we "learn our lesson". No one progresses perfectly in succession because we simply aren't perfect. I do believe it is just as harmful to place such an expectation on ourselves as it is to believe we must accept a abuse for our lives to hold meaning. The former can cause you to judge yourself and others unreasonably while the latter has some people actively seeking struggle (as we've witnessed). A discussion on this would be great.

[@drcatrinaking]

I suppose if all you know is struggle, you begin to think that's the norm. All human relationships require work. Still, if that work becomes a struggle and stays that way for too long, it's time to cut bait and move on! And by too long, I mean days to months - not years! Half the battle in life is eliminating your struggles. Don't waste time trying to build with someone who is comfortable with struggle being their norm. Normal healthy humans want what's best for themselves - not to struggle. It's fine to move on. Being in a struggle love relationship is not better than being single, peaceful, and free. Don't let this delusional culture lie to you about who you are, what you need, and what you want. 💛💛💛

[@MsFlipped365]

Haven’t started the vid yet, it’s going to be powerful one, just had to say you’ve been blessing these YT streets with content.

[@MichelleViews1294]

So sad and so true I saw the preview once and I was in shock how all the intros of couples were the same sad starting story 😖🥺 but I'm happy they've found happiness in the end tho 🥰.

[@Social_Pugatory]

All black love is struggle love?! Whew! We have to unpack a lot of shit individually and as a community and before forming unions before doing ANY of that work is gonna be a struggle.

[@Xara_K1]

There's a woman named womansphere on here and she's been positing that theory of all black love being struggle love even when the parties are successful and good and she breaks it down well.

[@Gigilovehugs]

True we are traumatized

[@catflon2388]

Well the men of the "community" have been saying it and showing us that for decades now. So I think it's only fair to allow some of the women of said "community" to come to terms to the fallacy of "black love" and to accept it for what is it: non-existent. Love should just be love, isn't that what BM say when it comes to having preferences based on skin color? This group-think has conditioned the collective of BW in such debilitating way that's it's seeped through all aspects of life for generations. It's time to see ourselves as individuals first just like everyone else does.

[@missyd1215]

Never thought of all black love as struggle love, but when you think about it, it's really true unfortunately.

[@PrincessYonna1]

Majority of it is🤷🏽‍♀️

[@AshTanya]

Keeping us fed Kim!

[@TwoPrettyRedDimes]

YOU BROKE THIS SHYTE 😭😭😭 TO AN TEEE ALL FACTS 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 ( IM FROM A WHOLE ANOTHER GENERATION) THANK U For EXPRESSING HOW BW TRULY IS & FEEL )

[@theTruthSeekerishere]

Really like the amount of content lately👍🏽💕

[@sb1206]

Why did they have to go out to eat if they were struggling? If these people are your friends, you can be honest and invite them over for a home cooked dinner. I’m not helping a man put on the facade of a “provider”. All the men I’ve ever met who call themselves a “provider” have been clowns lol. Let’s cut the games and be honest about our finances. We are adults.

[@laela6289]

I think there isn’t a very good balance perspective of love in this psycho analyst culture. I’m bisexual, I started dating women and have now just started dating men. Despite the fact that a lot of the women that I was seeing were going to therapy and were self-aware of their traumas, mental health struggles, they had just as many issues if not more than Black men. In fact the “I go to therapy” badge of honor is more of a aesthetic than something they apply in their actual life. Trauma-awareness culture seems to have us thinking that you just walk into therapy and you leave being a perfect human being without any flaws, but the reality is most people are dealing with their emotional wounds from childhood for most of their life. So while I think that the Black Love series goes overboard at times, I think going in the opposite extreme of saying that since black men (and women) do struggle that this means that all love is struggle love is the other extreme. Most resilient couples tend to go through things, whether that is sickness, personal development issues, financial struggles, etc. and so on. It is not super typical that you will meet someone and they will be 10 years post therapy, financially on top of the world, and your relationship will be always easy. Typically folks don’t “arrive” until after 40, and even then their relationship is always tested by external and internal factors. Most people are not even self aware of their own issues (even people who claim that they are self-aware), the beauty of these relationships is that when you are intimate with a partner you kind of reveal aspects of yourself that you probably didn’t know, and then you were able to either work through that to sustain the love that you have for each other, or you break up. Sometimes it’s best to break up, and sometimes people work through the issue and they come out a little bit stronger as a result. So I think the point of the “struggle” in this series is to show that a lot of couples that we think are strong resilient open and intimate typically have went through some stuff that we aren’t aware of. It can be both a good and bad thing in my honest opinion

[@Deanna0456]

I think it’s easy to say it’s only the men but many times we take part in our own chaos. We think we are so much more “emotionally mature” but the reality is sometimes we are just as bad. My marriage revealed things to me about myself that I didn’t even realize because I never lived with an intimate partner before. My husband is a great man but we had to learn to work together and respect each other’s strength. I never experienced the struggle love narrative with him but I certainly participated in it in previous relationships. Now I know that’s because I had my own problems as well that I wasn’t addressing because I should’ve never entertained those relationships in the first place. We also need to stop telling girls they are more “mature” than boys because we are not we just know how to pretend better 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@user-hl1ip7if9r]

I appreciate your specific/inclusive language!!!

[@KishaBri]

Really “When I get my life together, then I’m marrying you “🤷🏽‍♀️

[@chrnogirl]

My husband (who is also black) and I like to play with the script that resturants follow in terms of the man paying. For our 4th anniversary we went to a fondue place and made it very clear it was our anniversary. However at the end we asked to split the check. The look of confusion on our waiters face (who was also black) was priceless. My husband and I have worked hard over the years with a lot of heart to hearts and check ins with marriage counseling to get to a place where we are comfortable in acknowledging our financial differences. I am fortunate enough to have both a BA and an M.Ed and no student debt. He has a BS with a lot of debt. That shame and guilt he came into our marriage with was a big hurdle but we tackled it together to be more open and honest about money. Especially as a black couple were money arguably is an even bigger deal it is W-O-R-K!

[@paintitblack9712]

A joint account separate from our personal accounts made a world of a deference. We put 2k a month it and it pays off mortgage, utilities, groceries and all other costs for dates and stuff. We have individual cards for joint account and always inform eachother when we're using money from said account

[@i.l.746]

I love this for you... May you continue to both figure it out 💚

[@brielleknoxsragerecoveryclinic]

Shoutout to the bm that are providers! Everyone falls on hard times so if they can't afford to sometimes it's ok, but I applaud them for knowing their role as providers

[@worthwhileproductions6929]

It's true marital struggles are not bad. It is very normal in all demographics and cultures of people. Blessings.

[@abbybryant9019]

Kim be in there talking to herself 😂😂😂 “that’s a hot take” looks to the left dramatically …. yes sis it is!!!! I freaking love your content

[@auburntiger8]

These women do anything to have a man because they’re taught they don’t matter if they don’t have one. It’s exhausting.

[@LizNeptune]

My god the CRINGE. I DID THIS. I was 22 and he was 24, and he was the dustiest of the dusty. A narc too. I made a small doc about it on my channel.. but I was going out with my friends for my birthday and he tried to discourage me from going in the first place because he didn’t have any money. No job. So I ended up giving him $20 before we left the house so that my friends wouldn’t see me paying for everything… And sure enough with that money he tried to boast to pretend he was buying everyone a pitcher!! Be afraid of men who have egos like that.. YUCK. Never again. I truly would rather be alone.

[@adeneden7389]

You are so fucking fantastic. So entertaining and relatable to me personally, representations of dope ass black women is needed man. Such a breadth of fresh air 🧡💯

[@lessonswithlaya]

okay thumbnails!!! really liking the new style :)

[@annieothername]

I thought there would be common ground when dating a black person because I wouldn’t have to explain/talk through my racial trauma like I felt I had to in my previous nonblack relationship. BUT it quickly turned into emotional abuse and they weren’t interested in a shared intimate healing surrounding racial trauma like i had put in my Okcupid profile lol. In fact, the trauma quickly became gendered because of that Provider mess. I was working and paid for Everything from rent to food to their habitual drug habits and they shamed me for caring so much for them. That I was an easy play because I was willing to create a stable space for what I thought would be shared healing. I learned a lot in these early 20s, whew

[@ListenTuShelly96]

Is it fair to say: if you’re not financially stable enough to pay for yourself then you shouldn’t be dating. You should work on getting your basics in order first!

[@ListenTuShelly96]

@Reesieokay, but pursue someone in your tax bracket then in the courtship process. I’m not saying this because I expect a man to pay for everything, but men can be gold diggers too. Then they get a sense of entitlement about it n forget your stuff doesn’t belong to them: just saying! This can be avoided if their is financial equality between u both especially before trust is developed.

[@cela9852]

@Reesiei personally if you can't afford to even buy yourself a decent meal or basic groceries, dating shouldn't be the first thing in your mind. It irritates me sometimes because the people I know with your mindset end up dating someone equally broke only to get knocked up and raise a child in poverty. Work on yourself first. Especially if you want children in future.

[@chastastokes6077]

When do you continue pass the struggle is a good question! The breaking point is different for everyone. Know yourself and your partner to determine the progression of the problem. Most importantly leave when its time.

[@nyattawoods4251]

This is very dope. Good stuff!

[@timanthagoff4060]

Love that you brought afro-pessimism even briefly lol 🥰