Decoding Dismissive-Avoidant Behavior

Drawing from case studies with coaching clients, personal experience, and newer research, join Kim Saeed as she describes misconceptions about the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style and genuine ways that you can heal your insecure attachment patterns.
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✅ About Kim Saeed:
Kim Saeed is a best-selling author and renowned coach who lives in Virginia. In the past 12 years, she has conducted thousands of coaching sessions and offered consulting to therapists and mental health professionals on the topic of narcissism. She specializes in relationships, breakups, and narcissistic personalities.
This video does not substitute professional medical advice, and no doctor-patient relationship is formed through the video. This video does not replace nor represent legal advice.
Author of How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! and founder of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery site, KimSaeed.com: www.KimSaeed.com
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[@tranquility9325]

Attachment styles can be an excuse. The bottom line is, no matter what verbiage ppl use, being mean and abusive is still being mean and abusive. Time to exit and leave that individual alone. I had a so called "friend" who had a series of subtle control tactics. He had to approve the conversation we had. If he didn't, he would say; that's too heavy for me to talk about. Or, I'm too tired to have that discussion. He started doing that more often. It was getting in my nerves. He never wanted to do what I wanted to do. I asked him to go kayaking. On one hand he acted like he was patient of the year bec he was healing in leaps and bounds. He said that his physical therapist was soooo impressed with his healing! (He had hip surgery) That is, until I asked him to go kayaking. Then all of a sudden, he cant bec he just had hip surgery. (But he was back to work as a FED EX driver with no problems) The last straw was, him yelling at me about watching ppl online bec they could be scammers. Told me how his mother got scammed. Then acted like I was incapable of avoiding scammers. He was also married 4 times. But admits that he has talked to his ex wives like crap before. Regardless of the verbiage, he's a horse's ass. I dropped him and blocked him after telling him what his problem is lol. I was caught in the attachment style bs too and I thought he was avoidant. In retrospect, I could care less what he is, he's ABUSIVE. Not any more. Thanks Kim, as always 💗

[@KimSaeed]

Yes, there's always a new approach or system that puts all the blame on victims of abuse, while coddling abusers and manipulators - twin flame theory, how your woundedness creates a certain energy that 'attracts abusers', just use boundaries, and now, attachment styles. It's becoming tiring and annoying.

[@tranquility9325]

@KimSaeed I agree 💯. Excuses and reasons. Also, blaming their traumatic childhood. I came from a house of horrors growing up, and I don't act like a loon. So, these theories can all go dive into a shark's mouth! Lmao

[@propheticwarrior]

Appreciate your comment. Reading it made me feel less alone. I have talked to so many counselors and the minimizing they do is insane. About one out of 10 have called a duck a duck but seeing I am a man I wonder if that has any influence on what I am experiencing? My wife is straight up abusive. Very vindictive and vile. She has told me she is a DA. I try to be understanding and empathize but my stomach in knots is like an alarm that says, "no there is way more to her than simply she is a DA".

[@tranquility9325]

@@propheticwarrior there is no excuse for abuse. Period. The majority of them refuse to go to counseling also. The abusers point fingers and toes to everyone other than themselves. I hope you can sever ties with her. It gets worse through time.

[@casperinsight3524]

Yup! One excuse after the other ...indefinitely !

[@casperinsight3524]

Ppl need to keep it simple - Toxic is toxic Focus on their behaviour and how You Feel

[@marguskiis7711]

But the FACT is most of 45plus yo women are avoidants. Why I say so? Most of marriages are divorced when women are 45 plus. And 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Most of times -- there is no real reason, only woman's mood, the wish to dump the man they lived with for many years. So there is no avoidant women, there are only evil women?

[@simjam1980]

Dismissing you, neglecting you and rejecting you is abusive. And when you react or get angry, they make you look like the abuser because they didnt 'do' anything.

[@marguskiis7711]

But the FACT is most of 45plus yo women are avoidants. Why I say so? Most of marriages are divorced when women are 45 plus. And 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Most of times -- there is no real reason, only woman's mood, the wish to dump the man they lived with for many years. So there is no avoidant women, there are only evil women?

[@DanielGennaro]

a dismissive avoidant narcissistic person will dismiss you ( write you off, ignore you, deflect act, careless and insensitive and reject your request for in person or verbal communication). Instead, they will choose to text you because they can talk AT YOU not TO YOU, and despite your PLEAS For healthier communication and connection they will write you off and say there’s nothing to talk about. Upon making you very angry, the anxious person will turn into insults to articulate their behavior back to them, such as calling them, a jerk or other words. The avoidant dismissive person will then play victim and speak from a place of pride and ego, and say they don’t like to be talked to that way, and make it your fault for calling them bad words, but they will have zero personal reflection about what made you call them those words which was their behaviors and their actions, or lack there of. They will say they have boundaries but it’s really a cop out for their careless and heartless nature. They will never see their actions as the reason for you to get angry. If we’re having a disagreement, or see conflict approaching, I want to squash it as soon as it starts. Dismissive avoidants will stoke the fires and pour gasoline on the argument as they can easily step away and it gives them the time and space they want and need. Truthfully they are used to getting their own way and they prob were raised without any accountability. They are abusive and I keep attracting them as an empath.

[@marguskiis7711]

@@DanielGennaro true

[@mjc21706]

Bingo

[@simjam1980]

@@DanielGennaro exactly. Then they talk badly about you to family and friends and get validation, while making you look like the bad guy... which only aggravates you more.

[@LibertyB356]

Thank you for this! I was spinning my wheels dealing with someone with avoidant dismissive behavior who believed that this kind of behavior was stoic. No. It was abusive as hell. What’s sad is that others could not see the abuse and wrote off the bad behavior with excuse after excuse. Anyone that attempts to cross my threshold with this kind of behavior is going to get the door. No more of this garbage behavior. Don’t care what the reason is - past traumas, culture, etc.

[@ashton1952]

If the person is being abusive then it's an abuser and may or may not have anything to do with a style of attachment. It's just a person who is abusive, and no one should have to put up with that. It may also be a covert narc they criticize everyone and everything. But narc also gets thrown around too easily. Just as the term DA gets totally misunderstood. DA is a person who takes slower to attach to a partner at the beginning of a relationship; it's a person who shuts down from yelling and criticizm. DAs are conflict avoidant, doesn't always have the words, hence succinct, or says it round about way to not hurt you in order to preserve the relationship. Beyond that it's the individual's problem, bad upbringing or lack of manners etc. That's hardly about attachment c'mon.

[@AnnUnicornStar]

I love how clearly you communicate without any bs. thank you.

[@chxwv]

One reason I gave her second chance , among many , was a book I had read about attachment styles , giving her benefit of doubt , and as you know she caused me a serious medical suffering from her careless behavior . these people are evil people , not just someone with attachment problems. She caused reverse discard , due to her totally dismissive behavior about my painful suffering . A total stranger would have been more compassionate even if she was not responsible for my injury , leave alone how this woman caused my injury and then disappeared from my life , leaving me completely alone to fight this almost 2 years ongoing ordeal. She is an RN ! I can’t understand how she can have any compassion for any of her patients when she did not even have for someone she claimed to have loved !

[@KimSaeed]

I'm sorry you were sidelined by the book. It's happened to so many abuse victims, which is why I'm offering a different perspective on attachment styles. You are right, these dark personalities are heartless and cruel.

[@chxwv]

@@KimSaeed name of the book was “attached” (Amir Levine) that made me think that she is just anxious avoidant , she was nothing but a toxic narcissist or psychopath. She wore a mask (vulnerable narcissist) and I thought she is just a poor anxious victim of past trauma . Have you read that book , if yes , any thoughts on that particular book? By the way , book did play a role , but it would not have if I had not genuinely loved her , as I did not want to think of all the red flags and past negative experience, I projected goodness on someone who had shown repeatedly in the past that she was not good ! I cannot forgive myself for letting myself be subjected to this trauma that unlike the first time is not just emotional betrayal but severe chronic medical issues from the injury !

[@kodeh7931]

@@chxwvhope you’re healing well bro. You’re stronger than you think

[@chowell1451]

Look into projection and its connection to attachment style

[@ronisila3040]

I recently learned I'm a DA. I started watching videos and reading into it to learn more and its disheartening to hear of so many people having bad experiences with us. If anyone one reads this I hope you understand there are DAs out there who do want to have happy healthy relationships too, don't dream of harm, and are willing to explore their emotions.

[@NPD2024]

I’m a DA working on improving too. Weekly therapy. I’m intentionally kind and validating in my relationship.

[@melissa3986]

You’re probably not and dismissive avoidant then, you probably are more fearful avoidant. Dismissive Avoidant are abusive people.

[@NPD2024]

@@melissa3986 black and white thinking, and pretty myopic. All humans can change when they work on themselves. I’m a DA too. I’m self aware, learned my patterns, and I’m learning how to be in a healthy relationship with kindness. In actuality telling someone who’s done work to understand themselves they’re probably something else is kinda abusive and gaslighty (not a word). And for what? so your narrative for DAs fit in your head and you can keep believing myopically. Keep working on yourself. Good luck.

[@gibs6429]

I'm an AP in a long-term relationship with a DA.. Learning about attachment styles was the best thing that ever happened to both of us.

[@ashton1952]

​​@@melissa3986it's not true, in my experience it's the FA's that have been the most abusive. People get confused by the terms; FAs dismiss relationships without any explanation also. The style that narcissist are most likely to have is FA, they thrive off drama and confrontation so it fits. Narcissistic abuse can make a person go DA because shutting down is the only way to survive their cruelty. DA's are least likely to criticize, we tend to suck it all up without saying anything to our partner because we feel that's the best way to protect the relationship. I've never known a DA to criticize; that's very likely a covert narc. What DA's can do is passive agressive behavior, when it gets too much and there just aren't words to express it properly. But this could be anyone too. There's a lot of misunderstanding, and I feel the term 'DA' should probably be changed to 'conflict avoidant' .

[@lejci38]

So glad youspeak about it.. I noticed this, too... A lot of people in the comments acctually describe narcissistic abuse when they talk about their relationship and they want to find a solution. And some of the people that think their partner is a DA, are themselves disordered and were rejected when they displayed unhealthy behaviour. I felt very sorry for all the peope that listen to these videos and keep trying to better their relationship in vain, staying in an abusive situation and are being told they can do something about it all the while they are dealing with a narc or other disordered individuals.

[@trashaccount7318]

Dated a DA for a few months as a secure person. That relationship was one hell of a ride. It feels like you're a widow with a living partner. It's unfulfilling, hurtful, and emotionally/physically neglectful. Just think everything that you expect from a relationship, it's the complete opposite of that. You want to provide them the tools and template to show them what a healthy relationship should look like, but they take it as criticism. A relationship is suppose to help each other grow into a fulfilling one. Unless they are aware of it, please leave them be to do the shadow work they need. Make sure they understand how toxic and unloving the relationship is in hopes the realization kicks in so they can work through it. If you're an anxious person, this dance will never end well. Anxious people have a good heart, expense that energy in someone who will appreciate and reciprocate your efforts. You cannot fix them. Just think how hard it is to change your behavior, let alone someone else. Take good care of yourself.

[@zebrababy6267]

This is exactly what my therapist did! She actually had me working extra hard in my relationship with my ex narcissist. She would constantly discuss his "avoidant attachment style" as his way of coping, suggesting that it was ME hurting him as to why he was behaving this way, exhausting myself doing all the work to "make it work," while he did nothing.

[@ivadedeva7005]

Same here. Therapists are very dangerous.

[@ashton1952]

First thing she got wrong is saying a narc has DA style. DA's very nature is to avoid conflict. Narcissists like to cause conflict, they're a big reason why people shut down and eventually become DA.

[@lizr473]

so glad I listened to you about this, Kim. I agree with all of it, thank you for presenting this. "attachment styles", while valid to some extent, come off as a cop out to gloss over the malignancy of personality disorders in some ppl. Keep up the good work you do so well.

[@sandys2672]

I have not heard any other pros talk about this important topic. It’s 💯% what Im dealing with right now - that crucial decision that could have set me back “YET AGAIN.”Thanks Kim for shedding light on this and for your encouragement.

[@KimSaeed]

You are most welcome, Sandy :)

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

Kim does videos that no one is doing. She has intimate experience and great delivery. This is a very good channel

[@gibs6429]

Im an AP in a long-term relationship with a DA.. Learning about attachment styles was the best thing that has ever happened to both of us and our relationship.

[@SuzieNewzie]

Run!

[@77maanno]

Thank you so much for making these videos on DAs and their behaviours. I was caught in this thought process for so long as a member of the Personal Development School. The gaslighting is incredible and it deepened and added to my trauma so much. She calls out “anxious” behaviours as abusive, but never calls DA behaviours by their real name: Abuse. She always explains it away as self protection and what not. Meanwhile all the so called “anxious” ppl in her so called school are told to change and be better. They all end up like Pretzels much more abused and traumatized than when they arrived. I also feel so angry any time I hear one of those gurus saying that narcissists are mostly anxiously attached (because of their behaviours). That is such BS because at the core of what they call anxious attachment style is that they think highly of others and bad about themselves, which just doesn’t add up with narcissism. Serious sources would say narcissists are most likely fearful avoidants or dismissive avoidants. But when ppl say they are anxious preoccupied this again makes all the abused and traumatised people think they are the problem and they are the ones exhibiting narc behaviours. So sick of it! Would love to see a video from you on that subject too.

[@ashton1952]

@77maano The most important is to identify emotional abuse and get oneself out. Thais helps a lot of people but it's about own healing and not about fixing others. Sometimes we love our partner so much that we use this help all wrongly, and try to fix them and save a relationship that's not meant to be saved at all. And then the verbal abuse in the comments against certain groups... this is a big sign of not yet being healed inside, and doesn't help anyone, not us, neither the guys who've been labelled as "bad" but are watching the videos to sincerely change themselves and heal.

[@77maanno]

@@ashton1952I’m sure she helps a lot of people. I must say though, that through the 4 years that I was a paying member of her school I saw so many so called anxiously attached people just become more and more traumatised for the reasons I gave above. To say that people who speak up are unhealed and that that’s the problem is in and of itself an extremely unhealthy way of communicating. That is gaslighting and saying they are the problem and they are crazy for feeling and experiencing what they experience. For as long as I was a member of her school I was the one who would never say a bad word about anyone or any attachment style’s behaviours. I would always defend DAs and also FAs and APs too. But that was the clearest sign that I was unhealthy. It wasn’t until I realised what I had been through that I became strong enough to stand up for myself and call out what needed to be called out. That was me becoming healthy and to stop enabling abuse. It turned out I wasn’t even anxiously attached as I had been told. I had been very secure, but was deeply traumatised by the abuse of my relationship and later by the school. When I finally found the health resources and a real life very healthy therapist, that’s when I woke up and saw reality. Now I’m good and things are very clear to me, so I have no problem speaking up in these ways and speaking my and and many other people’s truth about what we experienced.

[@77maanno]

@@ashton1952also, these people didn’t get worse because they weren’t focusing on fixing themselves and were focusing on “fixing” their partner. They worsened because of the message that was presented there. They were told they hadn’t experienced abuse, and all they needed to do was to change and fix themselves and everything would be fine. They would become strong and secure. But these people needed trauma therapy, and for someone to actually validate their experience and calling abuse abuse and not to keep calling it something else.

[@modey.s9153]

@@77maannoexactly and the more you are secure the more DAs become distance and treat you worse and take advantage of your empathy and understanding.

[@DanielGennaro]

a dismissive avoidant narcissistic person will dismiss you ( write you off, ignore you, deflect act, careless and insensitive and reject your request for in person or verbal communication). Instead, they will choose to text you because they can talk AT YOU not TO YOU, and despite your PLEAS For healthier communication and connection they will write you off and say there’s nothing to talk about. Upon making you very angry, the anxious person will turn into insults to articulate their behavior back to them, such as calling them, a jerk or other words. The avoidant dismissive person will then play victim and speak from a place of pride and ego, and say they don’t like to be talked to that way, and make it your fault for calling them bad words, but they will have zero personal reflection about what made you call them those words which was their behaviors and their actions, or lack there of. They will say they have boundaries but it’s really a cop out for their careless and heartless nature. They will never see their actions as the reason for you to get angry. If we’re having a disagreement, or see conflict approaching, I want to squash it as soon as it starts. Dismissive avoidants will stoke the fires and pour gasoline on the argument as they can easily step away and it gives them the time and space they want and need. Truthfully they are used to getting their own way and they prob were raised without any accountability. They are abusive and I keep attracting them as an empath.

[@Gdansk786]

Wow. This is exactly what I experienced.

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

Yes 🎯 thank you this is so needed. Its keeping us stuck as we have empathy, love and grace. They abuse us in every way, Lord please break me free im empty and exhausted

[@arankagionetti2098]

Thank you ! You are the best ! Everybody trying to come up with strategy on how to deal with Avoidant man! Only one way to dealing with them simply AVOID them!

[@cbensch]

I love the point of view about the trauma bond. After 3.5 years of therapy and was secure “leaning” slightly anxious. I have CPTSD after having a father with BPD. I started a relationship with a woman that I felt was my dream woman but got samples of a secret life she was holding in secrecy. While her lifestyle seems to reflect the symptoms of a DA it still activated my trauma bond and I became highly insecure. I left her. I miss her terribly. I don’t believe she did anything with manipulative intent. I just feel she has unresolved trauma.

[@mairena1962]

Wow! When I first started listening to your video, I was beginning to disagree with you, because you didn’t believe in attachment styles which I have been studying now for the last three or four years after being in a very abusive relationship. But then, as I continued to listen to your video, I could not agree more with you! I am “anxious style”, but you are totally right, with the abuse mentally and psychological that I have received, it doesn’t matter which attachment style I have, it was still abuse! And after listening to your video, it made so much more sense to analyze my nine year long painful relationship! Thank you!

[@rnbsteenstar]

Attachment styles are an important thing to know, but they can be very dicey if you don't apply situational nuance!

[@KimSaeed]

It's mostly subjective and based on perception, but also...people who are traumatized aren't going to be able to make determinations with a clear mind. It's all based on trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome, which totally skews their decision-making, including reading material on attachment styles.

[@ashton1952]

💯%

[@tobiasdeppler5048]

The very fact that so many people who have had to suffer toxic behavior from their avoidant partners are completely confused, more or less shocked and desperately looking for answers as to exactly what avoidant type the partner was/is (FA / DA) shows It is very clear that the toxic experience must have been so devastating and traumatizing that examining and diagnosing your partner is preferred to looking at your own injuries. If someone then comes and says, oh, you poor thing, look, it's your fault too, you just have to work on your communication, the avoiders suffer even more than you do deep down under their shell, then that's highly irresponsible. Especially when it comes to lack of empathy, rejection of emotions, trivialization of emotional needs, rejection of the partner's emotional needs, contempt for and non-support of shared communication and emotional self-evident things, non-acceptance of criticism, non-communication, silent treatment, silent facening (by that I mean the indifferent expressionlessness on the face and staring) and, above all, blame-shifting and diversionary tactics, avoidant types of whatever kind must be clearly described as narcissistic core people, because the damage they cause is enormous. And of course the situation of those affected gets even worse and adds to the already extreme cognitive dissonance when a coach or therapist puts all this toxic and manipulative behavior into perspective and appeals to compassion. It's like saying that there are some mines lying around under the field of mines, they're painted brightly and look more inviting, maybe they're not a real mine at all, just try it out! They are also filled with explosives and will probably kill you, but you can safely approach a few meters further and give yourself more time to potentially defuse them; If they blow up anyway, it was probably all your fault, you "codependent" idiot. Avoidants cause intermittent reinforcement like narcissists, act, manipulate and blame like narcissists, use one's own emotional weaknesses like narcissists, hate vulnerability like narcissists and are often just as charming and popular with everyone as narcissists, perhaps they are just narcissists.

[@jodijodi6228]

Exactly… I am almost 3 months, broken up, and I am so traumatized. He doesn’t have all the narcissistic traits, but he does have lots of them. Manipulation, lying, deception fake featuring… He just doesn’t have big, emotional, outbursts and yelling, or fighting of that nature. It’s all Subtle yet mindbending. Has left me completely confused….

[@ashton1952]

That's narcs you're describing there. What's going on with most avoidant is good intentions but they're acting from a place of the subconscious, so calling out the concious mind, they react back at you from the concious mind. In other words, can't get mad at someones concious mind when their unconscious did it 🤷🏼‍♀️ everyone involved needs to understand that and be willing to heal otherwise leave, because it's a waste of time and frustration and misunderstanding can lead to abuse.

[@lili19393]

you spoke from my soul. Thanks !!❤

[@tamwilliamson8079]

This!

[@kakashifight6907]

You speak gold. Dismissive Avoidant is exactly that: it dismisses and avoids, both their emotions and people. They don’t speak much except superficially, they don’t manipulate intentionally. They don’t seek vendetta nor harm intentionally. They simply want to be, even though some people get hurt in the process. But, the end result is all the same, frustrating in their silence, in their independence and toxic in their manipulation to meet their needs.

[@ashton1952]

Are you describing the narc? 1) Narcs need supply, emotions or money and if you give they'll always come back for more. 2) Persona: They can be elusive and evasive, because once you see through the fake personality, that's bye bye supply. 3) Love conflict: because they need attention, they make fights and everything is your fault. 4) They manipulate: gaslight, isolate and mistreat. Ignoring, invalidating, saying spiteful things and everything else to make you feel insignificant and bad. This is NPD and the attachment styles are insecure, usually FA because of drama, and Anxious, because of depending on others for supply and excessive neediness and jealousy and control. Traits go opposite to what is commonly labeled "dismissive avoidant attachment style" which ironically is the often the survivor of that situation and should probably be called 'conflict avoidant'. Researched all this after 30 years of life experience to try understand what had happened.

[@T.Taylor]

Dismissive-Avoidant IS toxic and abusive. I've personally experienced that type of toxic abusive relationship with that type of dismissive-avoidant boyfriend.

[@KimSaeed]

I agree...it's just abuse with a pretty label.

[@kakashifight6907]

Then you understood nothing she spoke about. Listen to what she is saying one more time. You have have suffered toxicity and manipulation, but your person in mention might not be DA

[@therocknrollcook]

Watched this again after breaking up with a toxic BF who manipulated and abused me emotionally. Kim is a lot more truthful than most. I’m no longer interested in his attachment style. He was awful. The End. She’s so right ❤

[@Liz-in8lu]

I’m going through that now. I feel so dismissed and discarded. I have to cater to him but if I heaven for bid am hungry or need to feel better, that’s a no-go to rely on him.

[@ashton1952]

​@@kakashifight6907Spot on; it's about identifying abuse and getting out. Styles one can worry about later during one's healing process.

[@casperinsight3524]

So True 🎯 Although its painful and disappointing its MUCH easier to leave sooner than later ...as soon as you see smoke know there's fire 🔥

[@zabraarms3865]

Thanks, Kim Saeed, for sharing this topic. You're so amazing to listen, too 💖

[@KimSaeed]

Thank you so much, Zabra. I appreciate your kindness and support :)

[@cococaptivating7611]

I agree with you D A s are very toxic and I think they have tons of work to do and I feel sorry for them but when they deactivate it is something to experience that I’ve only seen once or twice. They get very cold and dissociate.

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

I haven't heard about it. I'm glad about that. Dismissive avoidance is painful abuse

[@northsideyanks]

My friend Dismissed and Avoided me just for telling the truth. She may have gotten the wrong impression of me on certain things but if you don't communicate or talk things out she will never know and know that my true intentions we're really good for her.

[@ashton1952]

Abuse is abuse, folks need to identify that first and get out, then worry later about healing the way they attach. Judging others also starts to get abusive so we have to be careful especially if we've come out of abuse, not to do what they did.

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

@ashton1952 that's a very good fact. I have to leave when I encounter a narcissist. I will become a predator if I stay. Employers that retain narcissists have high turn overs and the narc blames the employees that can't put up with it. This is epidemic to blame the victim for leaving now.

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

@ashton1952 And it takes putting down your cell phone and thinking about your behavior. People don't even think this far about anything. Turning into a predator doesn't mean physical harm. Back stabbing verbally to cancel you is abuse. People that make up lies to ruin someone is abuse also. This type is meant to cancel you.

[@ashton1952]

@@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire So true

[@edgreen8140]

As a psychologist I see it also. X is named what x is not.

[@salazaranon5050]

Dismissive avoidant person here. I get behind the message of this video and being vigilant against narcissistic/toxic behavior (and misinformation on the internet!), but I don't agree with writing DAs off as this. My desire to love and be loved is the same. I don't have an agenda. I don't want someone to control or play games with-the people I attract and talk to don't want this either. I want to find and be in a healthy loving relationship like many other people. The challenge avoidant people experience is the range of emotions that appear from point A to point B. I can be genuinely happy and engaged to go further when things with someone are still new and lighthearted, but it doesn't always matter how much I like them: When things get more serious, dread and uneasiness creeps in every time and kills whatever was there growing before. With certain attachment styles it especially never works, for example: Anxious preoccupied people tend to act clingy and co-dependent early on in the relationship, and with this the alarms in my brain get set off even earlier. A person I was once genuinely interested in transforms into a source of stress for me just thinking about them. APs become quickly invested and interested on an emotional level, and catering to that (as someone who already strugglles with intimacy) just feels like leading them on, hence I start removing myself. Overall I think it's important to keep in mind that many DAs are NOT under some impression that their behavior or strategy in relationships is good or functional. The avoidant behavior is not a conscious decision that we're proud of, it's a social paralysis. And yes, often times it comes from us being scared or reluctant to tell the other person about these new feelings. For me I believe it stems from growing up in chaotic households with explosive and emotionally volatile adults. As a child in this environment, being independent was safer than being loved. But the reasons for others can of course differ.

[@ashton1952]

Well said, it's about intentions, and there's things in the subconscious we're trying to heal, but it's a learning process and you have to see them first and it's not always so clear. I avoid AA's from the get go, maybe they're good people but some people can't handle clingy. FA style feels like ungrounded and if they start with yelling and stuff, that behavior gets dismissed and conflict attempts, fight picking will find itself avoided.

[@Youtubedeltesallmycomments]

Blabla

[@ChocolateprincessMaya]

U have such a clear presentation. I will check your course as a mental health practitioner

[@ejag7375]

Kim, thank you so much for this video. I was recently discarded and stonewalled by someone when all I showed was loved and we were great together. I did exactly as you said, self diagnosed as anxious and her as DA but now I do realised that she is just capable of the abuse she has put upon me. It’s sad to have to make this realisation but I need to live in a reality that stops me from blaming myself and accepts her for what she is. Thank you again, you’ve make this particularly difficult time a little easier.

[@niclas889]

thank you so much. it exactly happened to me trying to explain the abuse i received while being the victim of blame shifting at the same time. There was idealization, devaluation and discarding. I don't even think I'm too anxious but thought exactly that. Indeed I got further traumatized excusing the avoidant abusive behaviour. And also the abuser started excusing her actions with that. Interestingly after more traumas and learning to avoid showing my negative feelings that always got punished, she started to hurt me with quite active offensive tactics. Your video helped me significantly to overcome my feelings of guilt and insufficience after the most horrible time i had in my life. It has supported my healing. The online theories are indeed toxic and have damaged my perception of the situation.

[@renchemarais8419]

❤ APPRECIATES you KIM, THANKYOU from Brackenfell, western-cape SOUTH AFRICA 🌍🌍🌍

[@KimSaeed]

You are most welcome :)

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

I've gotten so good at it now that I quit and move on. What happens to me is I turn into a narc too so when I leave I get to heal and move on. I have a side job at the animal shelter which gives me intense peace. I got stopped by a woman who had to influence me on her pet theories and I said glad to meet you and left. I don't need influencers on negative situations upon hello. No thanks

[@n0426]

When you move on and heal your attachment style and become secure in yourself. You feel like a narc but it’s actually real self love. That’s why a real narc can never flow at your level for too long. That’s why they downgrade to someone at their own level and slide back into your life to try to devalue you but it just never works out. Usually the next supply is the one to suck up the abuse. When you are out of the picture.

[@striderwins]

Dismissive avoidance = narcissism

[@KimSaeed]

That's the short of it...

[@striderwins]

@@KimSaeed 😁yes

[@ashton1952]

Can't agree at all, narcissists are usually in the FA style, they like the conflict and picking constant fights, saying cruel things. Narcissistic abuse makes a person go DA out of self defense; shutting down emotionally is the only way to survive their cruelty. Why's this? Because a narcissist will use your emotions against you, they observe how you react and use it against you later, so you learn to hide what you feel. That's what DA is, dismissive of conflict and violent emotions. We shut down or escape. There's so much misunderstanding, and I don't want to make less of anyone's bad experiences with someone who maybe was a DA, but it's not all of us, so it's upsetting to be judged as "bad people" As with all of the insecure styles there are people with the best of intentions who's subconscious plays out in ways that can be hurtful. Everyone actively looking for these videos is on a path to try heal, so less judgement please.

[@casperinsight3524]

Education about attachment styles is best left for identifying oneself. If you're in a toxic union or unhealthy relationship then pinpointing the specific diagnosis is too sticky to get caught up in. The best thing to do is distance yourself as best you can to avoid the toxicity while recovering. I advocate low to no contact until you're no longer traumatized or triggered or maybe forever if that works. Cheers to narcissistic recovery ~ Know there is a Better Life on the other side 😘

[@ashton1952]

Agree 💯% , absolutely that's the whole purpose, to heal ourselves and not go around diagnosing others. So many people are doing it wrongly too and enjoying launching vitriol at certain styles. (If I have to make other people feel bad in order to feel good, what does that say about me 🤔) We're supposed to be working on ourselves and when we're secure we will find it easier to find a secure attached partner.

[@JustMe-ki3ce]

Thank you for being ‘real’. My instincts have told me very early on that this was abuse. God bless you

[@ellehub2136]

Very sincere thanks, Kim!❤❤❤

[@KimSaeed]

You are most welcome, ellehub2136! :)

[@googlespyfranchise9089]

Omg YES. Very important perspective! I have noticed the narcissist sympathising.. and whilst I do have immense compassion for anyone with a traumatic background, I find there is a lot of whitewashing about this stuff which is actually (I suspect) a way of allowing people who want to believe that they can heal their partners.. to continue trying to do that, rather than facing the hardness and grief of accepting that you can’t. Only they can do that, and if they aren’t engaging in their own work- or even if they are but are still being very damaging to interact with, then you have to take a step back and get realistic. You have to grieve the relationship you wanted, because it wasn’t actually a reality, you just wanted to believe it was, or could eventually be. I’ve noticed that a lot of avoidant people are actually a sort of ‘narc lite’ .. they may not be outwardly abusive, but the dynamic rests on a subtle hierarchy.. a hierarchy that they cement in place by using retreat and silence. It forces you into either chasing them or giving up entirely and is very hurtful. Often if you pull back, they’ll throw you a crumb to get you to re-engage.. But once you do, they retreat again. Up and down you go. An endless dance of opening yourself to someone who shows you repeatedly that they don’t actually really value you. I have known people who have been true harmless avoidants however.. and the difference is that if you respect their need for space they do gradually warm up and become more consistent as they build trust. They are rare though. More often than not increasing intimacy triggers a dismissive avoidant, and they’ll just be plain rude. Working to a different rulebook for themselves than for you. Fair enough if they say ‘I need to have some space for a few days, I still care about you, I’ll be back in touch soon’.. but dismissive avoidants can’t even be that vulnerable with you, can’t have those chats, they just vanish instead. In their head, if you’re not falling into line and chasing them for connection, you don’t care about them. They need to be in the comfortable position of being chased in order to feel secure enough to interact, but it’s never an equal interaction, you have to prostrate yourself to ‘win’ their attention, to prove your devotion. It’s all about power. I’m so done with any of that stuff, I value myself and if someone can’t be on a level with me, I match them until it inevitably atrophies. It’s simply a dynamic that cannot be healthy. End of.

[@googlespyfranchise9089]

Also I don’t think it’s even particularly conscious.. they just simply start to devalue (in their heads) anyone who is too receptive to them (due to their own insecurities). And then the subtle disengagement occurs,. It could even be that their brain tells them you’ve done something wrong or are lacking in some way..(they’ll be over-harsh and judgemental) But they won’t express it, because if they did they know it would sound over reactive and nit picking, so instead they internally dismiss you, until they notice you haven’t chased them, and then perhaps some of the respect is reinstated and they’ll seek to re-engage. If you do re-engage there is a little buzz of power for them because they know that they vanished without explanation.. and if you don’t call it out, you’re showing a kind of submission. Which boosts their fragile ego. If you do call it out, you’ll inevitably be accused of being needy or overreacting, again- a boost for their ego by being able to put you down. This is why it’s ‘narc lite’ .. it’s all about ego and control rather than real consistent, equal, caring.

[@johnkarl8921]

I don't think this video dismisses attachment Theory but clearly explains it's a definition of ways we learn to attach through our childhood programming. Most people probably experienced some type of trauma but we don't need to remain victims of it. The point is whether we want to work on changing to enable a healthy reciprocal caring relationship. The anxiously attached like me needs to work on self validation instead of striving to earn it from outside thus showing up as less needy clinging and over sensitive ( traits that frighten off the DA ) and perhaps the DA needs to work on their fears of closeness and also be less oversensitive to the uncomfortable feelings of being more emotionally vulnerable. For both types this only works where both parties are doing the work because they value the relationship. Neither can heal if toxicity remains because one person isn't engaging in the process. I think the video makes this clear. We're not defined by psychological labels and the past gives lessons to learn from and not a life sentence to live by. Hurt people hurt people and abuse is abuse.

[@anothercat9600]

Very important thank you. I thought he was fearful avoidant, but after a year of exhaustion, trying to please, reading articles, etc etc, I understand he is a covert narcissist, the "woe is me" type. Very draining. Being with a constant gaslighter makes anybody anxious.

[@vernonsdiamond]

I'm actually in shock right now... Thank you so much for making this video. Believing my partner was DA ended up with me driving my car into a tree. Yes, intentionally. I worked at the relationship for years learning about DA and attachment styles constantly. Everything became my fault. There was always something I was trying to work on in myself to make it right with him. I ended up going through a hard time and he punished me and replaced me for it. And even then didnt fully let me go, kept roping me back in and making me walk in on him and other women. He wanted to drive me to suicide and he almost did. He was completely narcissistic the whole time. After five years the mask dropped and I saw someone else completely. Someone who was a skilled liar who could cry with real tears like turning on a tap. A completely cold psychopath.

[@ashton1952]

Description of a covert/vulnerable narc. Was married to one and the gaslighting etc. I started to think I was going crazy. This is not the same as DA I believe, but they can make a person into a DA because of the way they use the person's emotions against them. So learning not to show emotions is survival. I'm glad you could get away from that situation.

[@Gdansk786]

Oh jeez. So sorry to hear this.

[@alinagabrielalamah2308]

Finally someone who makes sense !! 100% agree with you! You made my day, thank you ! Wish you all the best ! 🌹💛

[@KimSaeed]

ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊

[@susanfernandez5817]

I was in this confusion, wondering whether my ex was a narcissist or a dismissive avoidant. I really wanted to know because I want to be sure that I did the right thing in leaving him 6months ago. I left, convinced he was a narcissist, and then I came across the whole attachment theory thing and started to think he was an avoidant. What really helped me was to just realise that no matter what he is, the behaviour was abusive and untenable for me any longer, we were married for 37years and I think he had plenty of time to notice how upsetting his behaviour was to me and yet he made no changes, he continued to please himself no matter how I felt. I even became deeply depressed for many years and he just used that against me and treated me like I was crazy because I was on medication, so any problems that we were going through were all my fault. In the last 15 years I started to develop physical problems with an autoimmune disorder and a heart condition. I believe these are a result of his toxic behaviour taking a toll on my body. I just had to leave after I figured this out, otherwise I could have died. I think there is a lot of confusion about narcissism and attachment theory and maybe the experts have just mixed it all up and not taken everything into account properly. I just think that toxic behaviour is what it is and we all need to have enough self love and self respect to take the appropriate action which in my case was to leave.

[@modey.s9153]

Even if avoidants aren’t narcissists, I’m pretty sure they are leaning to narcissism in the narcissism specturm than the average person.

[@KimSaeed]

I agree. I only made the comparisons because too many people are dealing with actual narcissists, but try to tag them as DAs so as to avoid the truth that the relationship cannot be fixed.

[@lightiz_biekie]

Thank you.I really appreciate your story

[@KimSaeed]

My pleasure!

[@Nathan-rv4xx]

This video is so insightful 🤯 I thought my partner way dismissive avoident ! But now I've just realised she just doesn't like me! I can't for the life of me understand why someone would choose to be horrible to someone that would do anything for that person 💔 I'm starting to retreat into myself 🫣and I find I'm just shutting down, I can't do or say anything right😢

[@KimSaeed]

Don't take it personally. They generally don't like anyone...not even their own families.

[@user-nc2fk1jy8l]

I’m so glad you made this video!

[@KimSaeed]

I'm so glad! :)

[@vesnatalevska9000]

I agree! The more the person is on the dismissive avoidant end then they are pathological.

[@ashton1952]

Looks like you're confusing it with narcs. I was married to a covert, then got into a long term on off situationship with a grandiose. All I can say is the difference is very stark, narcs are empty and there's nothing authentic in there. They abuse on purpose because they think it's helping them survive and they can't tell the difference. They have zero empathy. Identifying emotional abuse is the most important thing, then get out if it's that, then attachment styles makes for an interesting read later and helps in ones own healing etc.

[@Truth-matters-v2z]

Thanks for Your work. Please be careful using terms like peer reviewed in suggesting that it means legitimate because peer review often means bought and paid for

[@KimSaeed]

You're right...though I do find it better to use Google Scholar for research as opposed to regular Google. There's so much false information online that even AI is spitting out false info.

[@adamnz77]

couldn't agree more, but sadly its only after the abuse you can be sure

[@PB-md3nt]

I kept coming back, well I used to beg and plead, because of her family situation dealing with a lot of stress. Once that stress finally was over, I had been in no contact for months. I thought I would see if things had changed. It actually got worse, the breakup/makeup routine, which was typically ten days or so became every three or four days. In the six weeks I tried to make things work the last time around we never made it through an entire week without her breaking up with me. I finally have gone No Contact and i'm at day 32 of this. I've gone four months, and 47 days in the past. Her loss, she's going to realize the dating pool isn't so green at the age of 56.

[@alexajackson8227]

I appreciate this video so much. I do watch a lot of different videos about attachment theory and in particular Dismissive Avoidant. I truly believe that because everything is on a spectrum, the line between true Dismissive avoidant and narcissist is extremely blurry. With that said, I know that I have personally experienced interactions with both men and women who I could clearly differentiate between Narcissistic personality disorder and avoidant. They do say that all narcissists are avoidant but not all avoidant are narcissists. Regardless, I think this video is extremely important and helpful because so many people cannot tell the tiny nuances between the two. But it doesn’t matter because if you are suffering in a relationship, it’s not your responsibility to fix or diagnose what’s wrong when you are the only one who cares. It’s your responsibility to gather your dignity and walk away without breaking stride. We pay too much attention to and energy trying to decipher and decode the heartache caused by nasty humans. For those who have a natural interest in psychology, you’ll probably stay watching these videos even if you aren’t actively dealing with this situation. For anyone else, don’t waste your time! Just leave people who aren’t going to show up for you. The origins of their defectiveness doesn’t even matter. Narc or not, the hurt is still the same

[@KimSaeed]

I like your statement, "The hurt is still the same." I haven't seen a single relationship improve whether someone in question was a narcissist or dismissive-avoidant.

[@alexajackson8227]

@ thank you and I can relate, I haven’t seen them change ever either. It’s sad but it’s not our problem to carry around. Choose love and choose people who also choose love.

[@LoganStyles21]

Well actually it doesn't matter if they are a abuser or dismissive avoidant seems the pain these types of relationships cause is ultimately the same

[@KimSaeed]

@@LoganStyles21 They generally are the same. I haven’t met a single person who wasn’t severely traumatized by someone they consider to be DA.

[@dgtv71]

I never seen or read any that even suggested that emotional or violent outbursts, lying and deceitful before, were part of dismissive avoidant behavior. Emotional outbursts are viewed as weaknesses. DA's don't have time for mind games or attempting to control someone with manipulation. They don't want to tell you about their day, let alone try and control yours.

[@KimSaeed]

@dgtv71 I've seen a few creators trying to blur the lines this way, claiming that when a so-called DA acts this way, it's part of a "deactivating strategy". That's partly why I create videos and articles about this topic, because too many creators and coaches are causing confusion instead of helping people and, in turn, causing more trauma.

[@FrancineTageant]

Oh that is so my ex. He even told me he was avoidant of confrontation. Nope this is what he had been the whole time. 35 years of I don't want to talk about it.

[@KittyHeartsRats]

This video is genius!

[@nicholaspasquale4612]

Thank you for this.

[@SanaDespiertayvive]

Too many traits of the “avoidant attachment “ overlap the dark triad that is scary. I dated someone who identified himself as an avoidant but I felt it was a learned theory to justify his emotional abusive behavior. Some of them learn about these theories just to do the “pity play” and the partner in turn is more willing to cope with his BS. Stay away, from the person who discards you like you mean nothing.

[@RoscoPColetraneIII]

Just found your channel. I really liked your refreshing teaching and explanations. There are many people putting attachment info out there that is questionable, at best. I think people who are dismissive avoidant (whether it should be an actual diagnosis or not) can easily be confused antisocial and frank sociopaths, with regards to onlookers. In other words, it’s sometimes difficult for people to know if a person is simply showing dismissive avoidant traits, or are they truly antisocial with sociopathic traits. Do you agree with this? That isn’t a passive aggressive question-I truly would like to know your thoughts. I was raised in a home where there was always a roof over my head, usually enough food to eat, and even got a present or two on my birthday. But my parents were otherwise AWOL, especially when it came to emotional security and support. I don’t know what I am. All I know is that I consciously knew I was on my own from the age of 8 or 9 onward. I did pretty well, but I had troubles in my late teens and 20s with keeping in touch with friends. I had lots of romantic relationships, and honestly they all ended on good terms-they just weren’t that deep. When I became a doctor, and started surgical training, a mentor saw what was going on. I was fortunate to have help offered, and I’m glad I took it. I’m married, and in a fantastic marriage at that, and we have two great kids. I love being a husband and father. It scares me to think how I could have “turned out” if that mentor didn’t say what he knew was true. Looking back, I was exhibiting maladaptive behaviors, like pushing friends away, burying myself in work, etc. because I was truly afraid to share my emotions. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I don’t think I ever did. Perhaps I didn’t become friends with people who desired that in me-I’m truly sorry for that. But I know if I didn’t get help, my future was going to be dark, lonely, and increasingly maladaptive to a self-destructive level. Does that make me a “near miss” abuser or manipulator? Just wanted to share my thoughts.

[@ashton1952]

I don't think it makes you an abuser at all, just the fact that you're worried about shows empathy. DAs can be empaths; we've been through narcissistic abuse and shut down when there's conflict. Just because there are some selfish or rude people out there with a DA style that doesn't apply to all of us. We're in a healing process too and trying to learn how to fix it.

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

He was mean to my son but when I left he was good to my son. Total about shift.

[@KimSaeed]

Yeah, I dated someone like that. It was circular mind games and intermittent cruelty/fake niceness towards my older sons. I left him.

[@mightymouse1005]

Je can keep ip with your life through your son. It keeps him in your life

[@PrayerPartnerExtraordinaire]

@@mightymouse1005 no. I can't be in my son's life. That would be wormwood

[@manuelqsjr]

I agree totally but it's important to be able to understand it's not our fault

[@gavinbrooke]

What happened to you in childhood is, however, it IS your responsibility to clean up the mess and quit damaging loving people.

[@Mrs.R.D.Oviatt1776]

Wow sounds like my case managers

[@anothercat9600]

Other coaches don't realize how common NPD is. Every 6th or 7th individual. It is very likely that we dated one of those.

[@jj357911]

Why all the hate on DA's? We just want to love you without telling or showing you...

[@su9590]

Because it is misstreatment and abusive. I dont want this Kind of love. It destroyed me. You say you want to love in your way of loving but in fact you are showing the opposite of love and respect.

[@jj357911]

@@su9590 We should talk. While I was originally joking, I believe there's a good conversation to be had between us.

[@JoePAcalaughs]

😂

[@PeteKupec-bg1ys]

Lol

[@Patton398]

I find it interesting that after reading through thousands of comments I have yet to see many if any successful DA relationships. Why ? Because they are vulnerable narcissists , everybody has distinct characteristics but the one thing they all share several if not many of the same characteristics . Narcissists cannot be fixed and whatever guru wants to charge you for their coaching or classes to bring the DA back etc they are snake oil salesmen . Don’t beat yourself up you were good if not great in the relationship , even though it is tough now to believe they didn’t deserve you when you first met and they don’t deserve you now! Completely 100% their loss you will haunt them forever . Good riddance narc

[@jamesbishop9156]

Cool 😎 ❤

[@Beth-AnneLye]

Doesn't there exist the possibility that even if you are dealing with a Dismissive avoidant partner that interactions within witch you are dismissed and/or the partner continues to denie your reality, and shut you out for long periods of tim,that that behavior may be at thevery least neglectful

[@ashton1952]

Evaluate it by a list of things that are emotional abuse; I did that and realized that I had to get out of an abusive marriage. Styles and stuff are for the healing work and to try have better future success.

[@MrTheomighty1]

What part of the video is about decoding a dismissive attachment !!!! all I’ve heard is narcissist. Isn’t a DA different from a narcissist

[@KimSaeed]

Not really, but there are a lot of people TRYING to make them different. The concept of a person who is truly dismissive-avoidant without being abusive is so rare, that I've never actually seen someone who's so-called avoidant who wasn't actually a narcissist. There are many psychologists who consider dismissive-avoidant behavior to be abusive, many of them are just not on KZbin or social media.

[@ashton1952]

@MrTheo probably we need a new term, "conflict avoidant" because those of us who are empaths, learnt how to shut down emotionally to protect ourselves from narcs, and learnt to dismiss verbal, mental and emotional abuse, are now being placed in the category with abusers due to the confusing term. FA's are notorious for dismissing relationships, out of fear, and DA's get blamed. Any of the styles can be abusive if the individual involved lacks self awareness, lacks self control and takes it too far.

[@ashton1952]

​​​@@KimSaeedmaybe I'm a rare one 😅 I've just had trouble agreeing with this, I became DA after two narcissistic long-term relationships; (the grandiose caused conflict and fights all the time, drama king, the roller coaster makes me believe he's FA) was also raised by an alcoholic stepmother as a teenager... I'm against any kind of abusive treatment of anyone, but have the DA traits like avoiding conflict, independence (having to take care of myself by myself, don't know what it look like to depend on someone else for that because then I'll be a burden), slow to get into a relationship, difficulty expressing myself (I can pick up on emotions without the person having to explain anything though). Admittedly have had passive agressive reaction with another DA I dated (also an empath) and cried so much after I realized I had done that, of course not in front of him though (hiding of emotions) but he also was passive aggressive a bit too but we just understand each other.

[@jfaustin1742]

I’m a DA attachment but secure combo and I have to say this pov is super fear based. I’ve dealt with narcs. DAs are not inherently narcs. Y’all. Fear+pain+ignorance is not an enlightened mix

[@gavinbrooke]

There are definitely shared behaviors, however. The reasons behind the behavior may be different, but the results are the same: damage to other people. My DA wife manipulated, gaslit, withheld, criticized, blamed, dismissed, and treated like I didn't matter, and did many subtle things to keep me fucked up so that she could stay emotionally regulated and in her little superficial bubble of limited emotions, no matter the damage to me and our marriage and family. Avoiding emotions, both hers and mine, were important than anyone or anything. Selfish.

[@partyovone9588]

Ah no it’s the new narcissist mother trend isn’t it?

[@michaeladams8799]

I don't agree. Learning attachment types helps brakes cycles of your become aware of them. Still not excuse or blame game, just being aware. Learning to change self is important and not clinging onto another person. I've broken so many of my own cycle by learning. Now if we go back, ill let her to and move on, no big deal. I've learned to give up trying.

[@KimSaeed]

The problem is that attachment styles are often shoved down people's throats when what they need is trauma therapy. Attachment styles, as a whole, has become just another relationship model wearing the cloak of "helping relationships" when what's really happening is that it normalizes toxic relationship dynamics. A "get out of jail free card", if you will, for avoidant and emotionally unavailable people.

[@MsDarkko]

Love it esp trying to heal 11 months w tbi n focal epilepsy n gaslit daily. SMH

[@MsDarkko]

I have none of that trauma bond. It’s like I have to Chris and Elle. He curses me out the high low. It literally snapped me out of a seizure. I don’t know. Hell I have focal epilepsy not the compulsive yet yet as long as he stays Tf away from me