5 Signs of a Securely Attached Relationship (And How to Create It!)

[@marcyflores3184]

1 - Healthy conflict resolution 2 - Operates from a place of mutual trust. 3 - Self regulate and co regulate emotions. 4 - Enjoy their own independence and time together. 5 -Mantain and repair connection.

[@inquisitivewanderer2536]

Those of us who have jumped on board the attachment train don't hear near enough about what the GOAL of all this self-work is for. Content creators rightly focus on how our attachments are broken, but it's good to lay out the concrete details of what it is to be secure - what it looks like, what it sounds like, how to navigate with it, etc. Thank you!

[@filipstura3368]

just ended my year and a half long relationship. i was the problem, i was constantly anxious and stressed out about my feelings even though my girlfriend was treating me wonderfully. i got sucked into loops of my own anxiety and overthinking so often that i was rarely present at any moment. it was so hard to leave a person who loves me like no one ever has, and i feel like the worst person ever, i feel terrible and selfish, but i know i needed to do it for myself. im aware that continuing would bring harm to both sides. this video is helping, starting therapy very soon.

[@ChiqueIndustries]

I’ve been in therapy for years and am a very securely attached guy. My ex was so avoidant that it stressed my nervous system to the point of exhibiting anxiousness. Left, and snapped back to normal. Go figure.

[@kevinlee2245]

Same here. I'm still dealing with negative emotions with her though, especially after she broke up, and went no contact for two weeks, and wanted to be FWB. Shit really fucked with me bad. That is currently what I'm trying to work on. Just trying to let go of those negative emotions toward others who have hurt me and just look to the future.

[@smaimer4974]

Same as OP as well as Mr. Lee above - I now had no contact with my ex MASSIVE STRONGLY dismissive avoidant GF initially after we had a fight via FaceTime for around 4 weeks. Tried to reason with her but she had sooo much hate in her eyes when it started by jokingly insulting which we never used to do as at the beginning I still directly set up boundaries generally and for example when she called me idiot I directly changed from laughing to serious telling her that I am not allowing her to call me that or insult me in any way, as a joke or not, given I don’t call her bitch or hoe out of fun neither. She shortly looked confused given she only been in super toxic relationships besides with one guy, but she accepted it and for 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days never insulted me not even slightly. Once she was deactivated due to me realizing that I had lost myself due to compassion for her traumatic past experiences and having handed her pretty much the steering wheel and lead of the relationship, which I never had the chance to before given either work stress or driving 1.5 hours to her being with her, having caught the flu / being sick for the first time since being with her and not feeling any love or feelings of the unique and never felt before intensive and direct connection I felt to her anymore given I had totally lost myself and from massively secure Alpha became an anxious as fuck Beta with my entire existence and emotional state being dependent on how she was feeling. If I knew she was upset I couldn’t even focus on work anymore towards the end as my only priority became acting and changing in any way such that she would be happy which became literally impossible since she always found new „major“ flaws (cause for her breaking up with me/ ghosting me in the end like taking 8 minutes in bathroom to get bed read. Or checking that I have all things when leaving the house,…you know massively major red flags😂😂😂😂) in the previous absolutely perfect guy I was in her eyes. I realized that I became someone I myself didn’t even recognize anymore and told her that - told her that this version from this moment on is dead and that I am taking back control and the lead from ne t time of seeing each other again. Obviously that’s not possible but didn’t knew it back at this point…so after this fight which was the day I randomly saw something about relationship styles and she being a psychologist I asked her bout it - it ended also in an insult as I said maybe you are a fearful avoidant of anxious cause she needed soooo much confirmation from m self in the beginning - she said it’s stupid to use words I don’t know and that she clearly is avoidant but no fearful avoidant and from that point my journey of finding myself again and learning about stuff like this began. Nearly 6 months afterwards I am still not the old me - maybe never will be given the old version never had been treated like that or received anything but women/girls wanting to be with me - so also my first ever time of being neglected by s girl / dropped by a girl, experiencing an avoidant who’s actions are THE LITERAL 100% textbook example, snd being treated like I have no worth, like literally the most disgusting piece of rotten shit you’d burn not even throw away in the bin. It was awesome, leading to me literally sitting around doing smth until out of nowhere this UNEXPLAINABLE FEELING OF ABSOLUT SADNESS overcame me, bringing me to tears not knowing what even was going on with myself. Thank god this stopped, but with my beloved cat of 21 years passing on 23rd of August, now everything I see a moderately sad cat video on instagram, similiar feelings come up and I feel powerless - GRIEF - so I think what I experienced due to her treating me like she did while me having treated her like a princess, loving,caring,patient,supportive,always being there for her, this behavior of hers made it unexplainable to me how someone who literally told me weeks before that I was the first person to ever in her entire life have her experience what true love actually means, with her being in it with her heart entirely and not only her head as it was before. Guess once

[@toniochavet304]

Just broke up with an avoidant 2 days ago. What a rollercoaster of pain love and craziness . Wish me luck and strength please !

[@ChiqueIndustries]

@@toniochavet304 good stuff bro. You’ll be okay. Just remember your values and stick to your guns in the future.

[@snaakie]

@@toniochavet304 Good, be glad it's over and start looking for a quality person

[@GnosticTraveller]

I wish I had your videos a year ago. Every time you talk about avoidant/anxious you describe my relationship to a tee. I see now all the ways I broke off connection with my wife (I was the avoidant of course), and it’s destroying me to see it all play back. And it feels even worse to know that I was just doing what helped me survive before. I wish I had been able to work through this sooner, before it cost me a divorce. Thank you for the effort you put into these, the tools in these videos are invaluable. Never stop

[@vaultsjan]

Iv yet not separated from 15+yr relationship but been and am close to it (i for sure am avoidant and either because of me or her childhood, she oscillates to avoidant too). Though i had heard attachment styles it was never presented as something that really applies to me as adult. However when i stumbled on Mel Robbins podcast describing these in terms of adult relationship, it all suddenly clicked. I am not one who textbombs or does silent treatment for days but the rest of it is all there. It suddenly revealed why travels (dopamine) are good but when back home, soon the connecting less less, arguing where to live (i dont want to move to countryside because our kid would get worse education and moving to capital city sounds stress and expensive), i really do not express my feelings (and hence partner has affairs), i have hard time revealing my wishes, difficult accepting help (oh boy i have zero problem helping others though), im munk in relationship not because of choice but just happened to become one. Taking therapy and notes, doing little steps to spot and counter my old habits but yeah should have heard all this told to me years ago, it better be not too late for this relationship!

[@shpalman7]

I think an important feature about attachment styles, which is missed because it's framed in terms of the relationship with another person, is how a person experiences their own emotions. Anxious attachers have their emotions come up strongly in a dominant way while avoidant attachers are disconnected from their emotions.

[@jtrealfunny]

Excellent content and very well explained and laid out. One of the baselines for real relationship is the willingness to really know the other and to allow yourself to be truly known as well. It's not easy. Take it from the man.

[@amantinoubliable]

New lighting, new intro, new Alliance... Let's go Connor! Thank you for all the great work that you do!

[@pierret.5304]

Your videos are helping me and my girlfriend a lot buddy, thank you !

[@VirgoDluxe]

Great content! Unfortunately, my avoidant husband was too much to bare and I had to leave our marriage. He was completely fine being disconnected for weeks, months at a time. It was exhausting and he didn’t seem to care that it bothered me. I hope no one has to go through this as it’s super painful to love someone who does not want to receive it ❤

[@carleencarpenter]

After all the youtube videos I have watched on this subject, you still have a unique take on things.

[@alan_leblanc]

Well explained. You're the jam man.

[@craigrost918]

I'm part way through this at the healthy conflict and finding resolutions which i age totally with my wife and i been together 5 years almost married for 4 years and we have yet to have a fight or argument as nice and wonderful as it is i worry if it's unhealthy

[@oneawakenedsoul]

Thanks for that Conner, I'm in a new relationship with a woman, and by just watching this presentation of yours I figured out that she is totally avoidant. One day, sex and intimacy is incredible, the next, she's unavailable, or, she's consistently countering my suggestions with other ideas. If I didn't listen to you video on this, I'd still be utterly confused! BTW, I see myself as a secure attachment style...more or less.

[@Stevenn411]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.

[@Ken_Johnson]

I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So I had to do all I could to get her back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and I must say I am enjoying every moment.

[@ShellyChavez-u5j]

Really? How do i find one please?

[@Stevenn411]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@Ken_Johnson]

Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@ShellyChavez-u5j]

Thanks Ken, i really appreciate.

[@nicholasneaves]

Brilliant thankyou ❤

[@RTV_Podcast]

18:09 I think we can hear your kids in the background, and you pause briefly cause I think you hear it =D

[@ManTalks]

You bet, my 8 week old daughter was crying. good ears!

[@Beastius24]

Thanks buddy!

[@vaibhavis1]

Thanks Alot for this, it will help so many people out there. One thing I want to ask is, even if you are a securely attached, and your partner is anxious or avoidant, it results in disturbing your own equilibrium. So suppose your partner is avoidant in nature and stone walls you, or in an inconsistent mood all the time, that will push even securely attached person towards anxiety. How do you think that can be fixed?

[@TknWhyBoy]

The hardest thing I had to teach my teenage son is to stop giving sooo much time and energy to these female teenagers that are “depressed” and “holding on”. It is not his responsibility to fix these women or create a space for them. He recently broke up with a girl that demanded he text her every moment of every day. She said she was sick of men doing this and she’s done “dating” and hates men….shes 14!

[@marykalisky5639]

Perfect.

[@jlove1331]

I would like for you to breakdown Casey Zander’s vids

[@normalandaverde7763]

This really confused me. Because my grandparents, past generations they didn’t want their solitude or spent time either their buddies. They will go to work, come home and enjoy their family and go out with their family and have other couple friends to go out and spend quality time. But now, this doesn’t resonate with me at all. Any helpful healthy suggestions?? Thanks in advance

[@tam.b9651]

hey do you think it's possible to have a good enduring relationship with someone if you cannot change your avoidant attachment style? because i just don't see any possibility where i would be able to have that level of closeness that securely attached people have that allows them to rely so deeply on each other.

[@laurakosch]

12:55 secure people are trusting? Of everyone? There are objectively untrustworthy people out there. Where’s the line?

[@amari2aj553]

there are untrustworthy ppl but secure ppl move at the pace they are comfortable with or give at a level they are comfortable with to establish trust until trust is broken.

[@jackdeniston6150]

Yeah, you mentioned when your wife knew she was in the wrong. This is where it all fails. The crucial, impossible element, a woman knowing and owning her ´wrong´. Nothing else can work without. Significant sample size speaking.

[@PrimordialAngels]

Maybe neurotypical women are like that, but not ALL women are... Just go date some autistic chicks and repair ur beliefs on women in general. Good luck bro.

[@Terquoiz24]

Are you aware that women with self-respect, intelligence, and integrity observe men beyond looks, money, clothes, etc? They pay attention to his interactions, & listen to what he is saying & how. When a man does not actually like or respect women in general - as actual people - it shows. The multitudes of women who can recognize & admit to being wrong, & appreciate mutual respect in relationships > > > are also the women usually able to recognize & actively avoid men who are putting off the "all women are" vibes. Also.... there is that type of guy, who will insist a woman is wrong, even when offered valid evidence to the contrary. Those fellows don't fair well with women who will admit they are wrong > > > when they ARE wrong. Sometimes the buddies of a know-it-all do them a disservice by playing along. I have seen guys letting the know-it-all buddy "be right" just to move on from a subject, & keep the peace.... because they "know how he is". Then those guys get out into the dating world & expect the same. It's sad to witness. When self-respecting women with integrity are getting to know a man > > > how he handles being right, being wrong, arguing, etc... is kind of crucial.

[@johnhatch2519]

Tell me, where is the line between caring deeply for someone else's well-being and codependency?

[@JoanDeParc]

I would say it's codependency when it's at your own expense, which if repeated causes you many resentments and a build up of issues long-term from you not putting your own needs first.

[@Aggressive_architect]

When you sacrifice yourself to an extent when somebody else’s problem becomes a thought in your head the majority of time, when you believe you can save them..

[@White_Fox_5.0]

I don't care what any of these therapy creators say. Avoidants are toxic and childish. Picking a fight and disappearing for 72 hours😂😂