Men with ADHD: Solutions for Emotional Dysregulation, Anger, and Shame (with Alan P. Brown)

[@jhlfsc]

As a man with ADHD, I will say that especially when it comes to the children, you had better take full and swift accountability after an eppisode that you were unable to handle well. Triggered or not, it is crucial that you make it 100% clear to them that any of your outsized reactions has NOTHING to do with them or their actions. Reacting to a situation is totally appropriate, but an outsized, borderline irrational reaction to something they've done or you've perceived them to have done is not normal and they NEED to know it. Repair, repair, repair and if you are a good and loving father, your children already know that and will respond with love and compassion. It is never good enough to just have mom explain to them that it's your condition talking not you. That is not your partner's responsibility. Your children need to hear it directly from you!

[@IAmTrashhy]

Yeah I feel this. I’m 23 turning 24, and my son is almost a year old. I have a really bad habit of cussing and I guess throwing tantrums over the smallest situations but am always quick to guilt or apologizing like crazy.

[@OgawaBurukkuART]

I really appreciated this video. I'm a woman who was diagnosed with ADD back in the day, and I know it absolutely wrecked my family life when I could not control my emotions. Back then, we did not know that was a big part of the disorder, though, and my parents were not given the information necessary to navigate my little storms. I only learned about it decades later and now I do my best, but when I'm sleep-deprived or have an exhausting mental load, my anger slips out. The best thing for me to do is to completely remove myself from a situation until I can calm down. It was interesting to hear a man's POV though! I do not have the general shame or imposter syndrome feelings Mr. Brown mentioned, but I have known men with ADHD who have gotten worked up about some of the issues mentioned in this video.

[@keilana6]

Been wanting to be diagnosed but financial resources stand in the way. I see similar behaviors in my son. I am 82 now and want to find out why I've led such a "wacky" life with very poor choices. #1 on my bucket list is to find out for sure if I have ADHD or something else.

[@naghiaahmed9781]

Where are you from? Different countries have different opportunities, but something can be done...

[@willgray3450]

Just found out I have ADHD at aged 50. Trying to deal with the diagnosis and the reason why I wasn't diagnosed as a child. I'm recalling events that I dealt with in school. Speech therapy and having to sit for an audiogram exam to test my hearing. Learning to drive in my early twenties. Having difficulty studying for standardized tests throughout my time in school.

[@emotionalsupportpaintbrush]

“Don’t take it personally” put the onus on the person receiving the emotional abuse. ADHD might make emotion dysregulation harder but we are all responsible for our behaviors and it’s important to repair/apologize for “bad behavior”. Relationships can handle a lot but without the repair relationships will fall apart over time. I’m surprised I didn’t hear more about the importance of going back and repairing after you flip your lid.

[@jhlfsc]

Don't take it personally is EXCELLENT advice for 90% of things including people who aren't in a relatiinship with someone with ADHD. It's rarely about anyone personally in most cases.

[@dylanfurney8855]

Seriously, THANK GOD FOR ADD Magazine 🙏🏼 Saved my life. Word ! ❤

[@michaelbennett9127]

That’s tragic. Maybe god isn’t working for you

[@HaroldSchranz]

Speaking from a formerly undiagnosed context: How can one take responsibility for symptoms one can not anticipate. And the more important issue is the lack of understanding from others. People pleasing, poor memory, RSD, and sensitivity are not the sort of things one can address with a coach. One has to provide more dopamine via lifestyle changes and possibly via medication. The only reason I did not self diagnose long ago was (with my interest based brain) I never had more than social stereotype knowledge (red cordial rather than genetics).

[@Kilroy238_]

I would say it's a combination of acceptance / responsibility. Imo we need to internalize the acceptance to try to come to grips with feelings of regret and the rest of the litany of negative feelings we have internalized down the years waiting to get diagnosed. Responsibility in the sense of owning our actions. Granted our underlying issue had the reins but ultimately it was still us being the immature a hole to the people we love. Just imo by taking the responsibility we can help our loved ones also accept the fact that deep down it really wasn't us. Honestly though I'm still processing everything. At 51 I got my diagnosis about 6 weeks ago. I switched to my third medication this morning. I really hope this one works.

[@kevinfrench3699]

What makes you think that people pleasing, RSD and sensitivity cannot be addressed with a coach? I am a coach and these topics come up regularly with my clients. My job is not to fix, but help clients to embrace their difference, whilst managing the challenges that come with ADHD, raising awareness of our triggers, as well as supporting people to make changes to their lifestyles.

[@perrystalsisworldofbiology767]

My ADHD costs me ~$75,000 a year because I can't work.

[@emotionalsupportpaintbrush]

Wow! I bet you are highly motivated to find solutions. It doesn’t have to be that impairing. Don’t give up.

[@sehr56]

Trying to figr’ my way out of shame and resulting withdrawal. I’m falling inward towards total invisibility. I would like to find out if I’m depressed!

[@emotionalsupportpaintbrush]

@@sehr56 that certainly sounds like more than just adhd … I wish you the best. Keep trying - if you find a therapist that doesn’t work try another and another. Recovery (or at least a manageable life ) is possible

[@wexpmedia5889]

Get on medication. Adhd is no excuse for not being able to work.

[@larryjohnny]

I have had the same problem and have completely given up the job hunt. I just barely scrape by with help not to say I don’t enjoy my day to day life but the future is a complete fog.. some serious time blindness. I just started meds and counseling to figure out a way out of this dilemma/stage I’m sort of stuck on..

[@IAmTrashhy]

Do I really want to watch an hour long video? Might as well because this video is an example of something that I struggle with worse than being inattentive or distracted or hyperactive. The emotional imbalances is the most frustrating thing to deal with. Ok a side note, when I’m tired, that’s when I notice I’m the most angry I’ll ever be. When I’m tired, I know I have a lot to get done but I feel drained and any time someone asks me to do something my first response is to complain or get angry and explode. I recommend y’all not explode verbally at anyone, including your spouse.

[@jillanderson18]

I am a woman. I am watching because of the miss diagnoses. I just turned 50. Everything you say resonates with me. You aren’t allowed to get angry and be irresponsible of her you’re a woman, so it’s gonna be a lot harder for them to get them out of denial. Believe me, I’m not winning any popularity contest lately speaking my truth thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Sharing your story, I think it will make a huge difference for a lot of men and when you’re ready women. Sorry, gentlemen, I know you wanna have this to yourselves, but you don’t get the corner stone on anger. We got espresso too so we can carry your babies and make the world a better place. Thank you.

[@jhlfsc]

"Sorry gentelmen, I know you wanna have this one to yourselves" Is the EXACT kind of snarky, sweeping generalization that will make you lose "popularity contests" (especially with any men under 40), not speaking your own truth.

[@rose-sk2qv]

They are not actually saying much