Need a therapist? ⚠️ Don't make this mistake

Looking for a professional to help you heal from scapegoat child abuse can be a minefield. Working with someone ignorant about this abuse can be devastating to our mental health and recovery. In this video, I alert you to key pitfalls to avoid and how to find the BEST professional to support your recovery.
I mention IFS in the video. Check out their website here for further info: ifs-institute.com/
TIME STAMPS
00:00 Intro
01:00 Our challenge
01:20 Don’t make this mistake
03:19 HOW to source the BEST professional to help you
03:50 the know - like - trust factor
06:25 You’re interviewing them
06:56 HOW to get clarity for exactly what you need
08:20 the shortlisting process
09:26 3 questions to ask them
10:38 HOW exactly will they help you? Ask them.
11:44 Sharing a bit about my process for working with clients
14:03 our backstory: HOW much to share and is it helpful?
16:14 Recommended approach to working with someone new
17:21 My Favourite therapeutic modality
18:18 Conclusion
***
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[@kristinanne6534]

I got so lucky with my therapist. I started seeing her because I thought I was crazy and I wanted someone to help me. She figured out within the first session that I was actually the family scapegoat and was the victim of abuse. She saved my life honestly. I get so much from watching videos like this and I often share what I learn with her at our sessions. Thanks for what you do.

[@lighthouselillie3262]

👍 Wish I would have known you when I needed help, 30 years ago… I went to a psychiatrist with my boyfriend at that time, because I was suffering from a depression. During the consultation the psychiatrist and my boyfriend had a conversation about me, as if they knew what was wrong with me, I was not asked any explanation. In that meeting my soul woke up and said to me: Let them continue discussing your life, but please get out of this world asap, this is not in your benefit… escape and start living your life! I did not see the psychiatrist ever again, and I quit my boyfriend. And guess what… that decision was the end of my depression. …a bad therapist, but my biggest lesson ever 😅 Thank you for your videos Mary 🙏🇫🇷

[@Mourning_Dove]

I really hate it when therapists say that they specialize in trauma, etc. and they really don't and know nothing and waste your time and money. Totally retraumatizing.

[@Frau.P]

I am going trough the consequences currently 😢

[@khalexi8692]

very few truly understand how to help unfortunately. I didn't have a good experience with my therapist either

[@MJS2376]

Some professionals will be bullies themselves! Others will need you more than you need them. The best therapist is one who simply deeply listens to and accompanies you as you journey towards your True Self.

[@realitywinner7582]

absolutely . God Bless .

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Simply deeply listening is great I agree. (just won't be sufficient to heal scapegoat child abuse).

[@carolyngartner6865]

They are more interested in us paying their exorbitant fees. Better to watch therapy on KZbin.

[@MJS2376]

@Mary Toolan As a scapegoat who is healed, I disagree. A Focusing partner (Gendlin) who knows how to deeply listen accompanies us as we learn to listen to what we've known all along....self-validation is a prerequisite for self-regulation and differentiation - and differentiation is what sets us free from the entanglements of sick family systems. It takes some time to learn, and a good Focusing partner is difficult to find....but if you are blessed to find one, you'll be on your way...

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery agree. In addition to good attuned listening, It is hugely necessary to have quality psychoeducation- Next step development of the tools and skills to manage in life situations and why they are needed. and review of what you practiced. Not my own experience, unfortunately There is an excellent short KZbin video by Dr Deborah Lee on Compassion and Trauma. I hope people get to see it.

[@mapleleaf902]

I had a therapist say she didn't believe me in a group setting. I was horrified.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Covert narcissists lurk in these professions.

[@sannajohanna5579]

Horrible! As if someone goes to such a session to tell tails! 😮

[@sll110]

I was deeply re traumatized by so many Assholes Therapists, they ruined my life...

[@Frau.P]

Me too. They are often the worst.

[@powerdisney]

11 minutes ...I so relate...I am in therapy AGAIN and find myself simply RE TELLING my story with nothing more than a LISTENING therapist ...allegedly studying for his PhD in counselling and with a full time position at a top Dublin hospital ...yet with NO CLUE of scapegoat dynamics let alone dissociative identity disorder which was the diagnosis I sought help for .... Sigh from County Meath in Ireland

[@Mourning_Dove]

Don't waste your time, emotions, and money with this one.

[@ceciletarling5229]

You know more than this Therapist. Tape your story, listen to it as if a friend is telling you their story and see what advice you would suggest for them….then take it on board for yourself.

[@powerdisney]

@@ceciletarling5229 good advice...have recently done a re disclosure series on a podcast which I will blog soon...it is so hard to document with D.I.D.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@ceciletarling5229 that’s very good advice. I had 4 years of very expensive damaging therapy- she was recommended- by her colleague who was semi retiring- I reckon the semi working part was “ supervision” for her buddy. I am not alone in also being in a covert abusive marriage all that time and being blamed.She is no longer listed as working. Accredited etc - if she was I would feel duty bound to make a complaint- to protect others. However there’s something that goes on with people who’ve been scapegoated that others can be doing stuff to you and it’s so weird and underhanded- there’s got to be some sort of process understanding from a real person therapist who can name this. It is very good that there is now proper information out there. Thanks so much Mary.

[@MoteOfDust430]

You make me think that there may be a way for me to actually recover. Thank you

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Yay. :-)

[@itsallgood7279]

My eyes are watering because you completely understand. It's been a long, lonely, painful journey until your channel. I fear it's too late for me to really heal. But I take some solace that I'm not alone. Mary, thank you.

[@MANDYLOLA1]

I don’t feel like it can ever leave our body but understanding it makes us a little bit freer and we can love ourselves hard knowing it’s not us it is them 🌈♥️🙏🏼

[@siobhanquinlan6922]

Keep strong, thinking of you.

[@karenellis2098]

It’s not too late to heal!! If you’re breathing, you’re in the perfect position to heal.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@karenellis2098 love that attitude.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@MANDYLOLA1 we can make friends with all our hurt parts. Honour ourselves this way. And know we deserved better.

[@siobhanquinlan6922]

Thank you Mary, quite correct what you are saying. I've been there and after the third consult realised they actually don't get it. Lost my trust in the "therapist". Making wonderful strides though, through excellent podcasts like yours.

[@EmmaLemmon]

I'm guessing my therapist shouldn't have shouted at me in session...

[@nr1785]

I had a counsellor do that to me. I was in tears.

[@Theowlhawk]

Happened to me too.

[@helloyougoodthing]

Same!

[@yootoob1001001]

Important to ask above all things, including their educational credentials, is if they have done their own work. If they haven't they can only assist you as much as they've met themselves. Interview them and ask lots of questions and don't necessarily settle just to have a therapist.

[@RochelleRosenbledt]

Your story and journey is so inspiring. Your content is amazing! Finding a therapist who specifically specializes in narcissistic or pathological family systems is so important! Thank you for making this channel Mary! ❤

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you very much Rochelle ☺️

[@queengreen007]

One important consideration for clients, you're there for therapy regarding a specific issue in your life you need to find answers and real solutions for coping and healing. No therapist should ever "steer" you into a philosophy or faith different from what you already have. I had to set a therapist straight and inform her I was not interested in pursuing Buddhist teachings or coping mechanisms that were counter to my faith. Besides, I studied Comparative Religions in college, so I knew what Buddhism is all about. Nothing. Needless to say, We only had 2 appointments. I set my boundaries upfront to the next therapist, not here for a change of faith, she appreciated my steps to protect myself and have a great start on a journey to heal.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I had one who was into family constelations and New Age stuff.

[@vivianevenancio6502]

@@Lyrielonwindyeah! I met many like that, I was into it for a while. It made my CPTSD worst actually, I was disregulated all the time. The next one was a invalidating feminist, she was even worst.

[@queengreen007]

@@vivianevenancio6502 I am sorry you had to experience that. I hope you have found therapy right for you. Blessings to you.

[@queengreen007]

@@Lyrielonwind I am sorry you have dealt with this too. It's frustrating when these people think they are here to indoctrinate.

[@queengreen007]

@@millicientaspinet5607 I am not surprised. Recruiting was he?? I keep warning people about doctors. I was in medical field 25 years and there are some freaks in white coats. Did you know the top 3 professions that attract the most psychopaths? Cops (not a stretch), attorneys and doctors. Yep. Politicians goes w/I saying...

[@taylorpresley4604]

I have been in recovery off and on most of my life and I am continually working on my healing. I must say you are one of the very best I have listened to on YT, you hit the nail on the head! Thank you very much

[@rs5570]

Honestly, Mary, I will never go to another therapist. I worked with a coach who has a YT channel. Very intelligent guy, degrees, BUT not as any sort of therapist. What he did have was empathy, compassion & EXPERIENCE being abused by his parents. I credit him with saving my life. Someone like Mary is the road I take now. These fancy psychology degrees are worthless to me. I get nothing but arrogance, judgement, criticism, no empathy WHATSOEVER. Mary, in the US no therapist would tolerate being vetted or interviwed in any way.. They are arrogant & superior & treat clients like they’re scum.

[@ruthbarnes9999]

In in Australia too it wouldn't work interviewing psychologists and is too expensive to do

[@rigmorleira6290]

True

[@TranscendingTrauma]

Agree

[@nuria3736]

Or... They base their therapy in the obligation for you to FORGIVE THEM 🙄🙄

[@elizabethdarley8646]

I heard invalidation this morning from a psychiatric nurse NHS who always looks at the abuse I've experienced from the point of view of my abusers. I have researched into the subject since 1986!!!

[@DHW256]

I was fourteen years old the time I saw a therapist, at our mother's insistence. I was stressed out and beat down, deathly ill with an auto-immune disorder that, months later, would nearly kill me. Mom also insisted that she and Dad would participate in the sessions. After a few weeks of sessions, the therapist almost immediately excused me from our last session to discuss the case. About 45 minutes later my parents walked out of the office, Mom fuming that I had somehow manipulated the therapist, and Dad dutifully followed her. The therapist suggested that it was Mom who needed to seek counseling, that I simply needed space and love, and we all know that's too much for a full-blown narcissist to handle. Mom lived a pitiful life, constantly projecting the guilt of her own commissions on everyone else, especially her children; constantly forcing herself to be the center of attention, refusing to simply let others be, and reliably trying to beat down anybody who shined in her presence. It was awful dealing with her, yet she managed to fool a lot of people.

[@w8what575]

Sounds exactly like what happened to me when I was a teenager except my psychiatrist told my mother to just leave me alone etc that I wasn’t abnormal at all lol.,,I wasn’t allowed to see that psychiatrist any longer

[@rainrainwebdesign]

Thanks for this. Great advice, well explained. Handy that the sections are on the video playbar too.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you.

[@sweetmaryjanesgifts3773]

Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos and post for us. Thank you Mary.

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

As a long term therapy user I now know that “interviewing” the therapist is VERY IMPORTANT. Not every therapist is a match. It’s quite the opposite. Consider searching for a therapist like looking for a job or dating. You do have a choice. And exposing your truths is such a vulnerable state and shouldn’t be done up front just because one has degrees on the wall. Love ya all ❤️✨ Post Script: Hey Mary!! Love your channel & insights. You’ve helped me IMMENSELY 🙏🏾🫶🏽

[@ceciletarling5229]

Is a good therapist someone who agrees with you and sympathises or someone who makes you look at yourself and see what you have contributed to the situation you are in?

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

@@ceciletarling5229 no where in my comment did I mention “a good” therapist. And by the posing of your question it seems you have your answer

[@ceciletarling5229]

@@nilaja-itsmylife you mentioned interviewing a therapist and searching for a therapist like looking for a job etc. are you looking for someone who agrees, validates and has sympathy for your situation or someone who challenges you to look within to heal. You sound defensive to my previous question.

[@Gemmarose9012]

@@ceciletarling5229 A quality therapist will do BOTH.

[@krisluvsutube2684]

I thought I found a therapist. I asked if she understood narcissist abuse. She said yes so on the first meeting after telling her some of the major things going on that I had been dealing with and that I was no contact she says "Well no contact is Ok for now. And then after saying I had only recently learned my mother was covert npd and my whole family abuses me she asks "Have you forgiven them"? I left and never went back.

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

Thís is so very important to hear! I’m currently searching and although I’ve heard other KZbinrs talk around this - you have hit it head on Mary! Thank you so much 🙏🏼😊🤗

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

I'm delighted it's helpful to you - you're very welcome :-)

[@nancybartley4610]

Our needs are never the same. If you were emotionally neglected, you are probably completely unaware of the abuse you experienced because this type of abuse isn't obvious. Scapegoating of an emotionally neglected child may come later in life after one parent dies. That parent may have held scapegoating at bay and now the remaining parent and siblings are free to relegate one member to the scapegoat role. The emotional neglected person may simply accept such treatment without questioning it. On another note, some people, like some parents, simply are not qualified to be therapists. They can do more damage than good.

[@DosBear]

I totally agree. You must be very careful when picking a therapist and be sure it is someone who has actually been through this themselves. Heck, I even tried to explain a bit of my situation to my new family doctor to give him some understanding about who he was dealing with and came aways feeling unbelieved after he made some jackass comment that he usually finds there is some truth to accusations that are made against others. The man has no business being a doctor in my opinion. There is nothing quite like being insinutated as a liar by someone you are going to seek help from after just a 30 minute consultation.

[@breannaswagerty7075]

Fantastic and to-the-point questions that can save a lot of time and money (and pain)! Thank you!

[@IloveNewyork1]

My first therapist, after breaking off relations with those people, was initially very helpful. After I had seen her for a few months, I decided she had taken me as far as she could. Now I have another therapist, but because of the first, I know what I want and expect from a therapist, and if I don't get it,I will leave.

[@samanthab6668]

Amazing content and useful information - Thankyou so much!! So many light bulb moments for me, when watching your video's - Endless thanks :)

[@parakleyt2004]

Thank you Miss Mary

[@albin2232]

Not all therapists are equal. Some are good, some are worse than useless and worsen things. You should 'audition' therapists. That means to check every aspect of the way they treat you. I wasted years and a lot of money on therapy that went nowhere because the therapists had no real understanding of the way trauma affects people. Eventually, I saw an EMDR therapist who specialises in trauma. After a few dozen sessions, my panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares completely disappeared. I am now working on the more subtle symptoms of CPTSD. I still have a lot to do. Please note that I'm not saying that EMDR is the right thing for everyone. Everyone is different. Interestingly, she did five 'setting up for therapy sessions' which gave us a chance to get to know each other and set goals for therapy. Be aware that if you feel like you're going nowhere with a therapist after 4-6 sessions, you are probably going nowhere. Don't waste a lot of time and money as I did.

[@Maria-oi3uo]

Thankyou 🙏💗

[@sheilabest3652]

Thank you.

[@elizabethdarley8646]

The NHS has, for the first time, in March 2023, actually published pages on C-PTSD. I've been teaching myself about it for a few years! I'm ahead of the professionals 😊

[@elizabethdarley8646]

NHS inform complex PTSD

[@elizabethdarley8646]

I've had 5 x 50 mins in NHS assessments over two months and I received no response or learning offered other than to be then put on a months long waiting list for a group online mindfulness course by an NHS doctor of psychology who probably hasn't been the family scapegoat!!!!!!!!!!?

[@elizabethdarley8646]

Dear Mary, I can get some idea that you've had training in psychology and the models of approach in helping people. A careers advisor recommend that I avoid training further as a therapist because I have had decades of trauma.. But it seems that your experience of trauma informs your ability to help people. Is this the case do you think, Mary?. Please. Kind regards from Elizabeth

[@trinity5842]

Can you make an option if we would like to contribute to your channel? There is one called buy me a coffee x

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

That’s very kind of you! I’ll look in to it

[@Joelswinger34]

I have certainly found some therapists who had no business being therapists. I think they need better tests before they are able to practice.

[@betinansi201]

Repeating the same story over and over is tiring for sure. How does a psychologist help ? Currently seeing one but not sure even where its heading. Thanks

[@claudiaschneider5744]

I´ve been searching for years now - sick and tired about therapists, coaches or psychiatrist´s, which have no education at all in narc. childhood abuse, being the scapegoat in a dysfunct. family, traumabonding, etc. pp. - They do act pretty smart and tricky at the phone, but when you sitting face to face with them - the truth comes out, pretty fast - they do have no idea at all - giving you a reading out of their bible bc. only Jesus can help ppl. like you....its devastating meanwhile - waste of time, energy and money. Became to old for those kind of strange games. Forget it.

[@rural_girl555]

wat if u ask them those questions and they ghost you cus u tell them ur not booking but asking them questions instead before booking 😒