"How do you calm yourself down when you're anxious?" AKA ep.121

[@_maia_m]

Time stamps Question one 0:57 Question two 13:18 Question three 21:53 Question four 31:01 Question five 43:51 Question six 53:27 Question seven 58:12 Question eight 1:03:14

[@andreafeelsfantastic]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@TheNurulaulia]

Love the questions today ❤️

[@askkatianything]

Awesome! Thanks for saying so ❤️❤️

[@julierhodes6981]

Love your videos. I had a difficult time handling the bombardment of thoughts that were making me panicky. Then I found out about the technique of visualizing all these thoughts going down the drain in my shower, or all the thoughts being pushed forcibly out the windows in my house, or going up in balloons, or anything that pushed the thoughts away visually. Then you are not engaging in any of the thoughts, because they are being whisked away. This really works for me and has changed my life. And I wanted to share with you. Thanks for your very informative videos. They are amazing.

[@daisy-daisy768]

Thanks Kati. Sudoku, Kakuro and any other number puzzles help me regulate as I know they have definite answers and I can stop churning thoughts round and round in my head that have no solution.

[@freeluigi4444]

Exactly the topic I needed to see today… Kati, thanks for bringing sanity to our world

[@margueritejaco]

Just hearing your voice, Katie, is soothing to me 💕

[@theresaaconner]

Amazing! I always thought i was weird because the usual calming techniques dont work for me. I do just a few wall push ups for my anxiety. Breathing exercises or attempting meditation actually makes it worse.

[@SECruise]

Thanks, Kati! Mine was the last question (about my therapist terminating therapy) and it actually did lead to an obviously “unsuccessful” suicide attempt. I’m doing much better now, and I have a therapist who is fantastic. I forgot to mention that my previous therapist dropped me over a phone call when I was calling to schedule an appointment, the day after I was discharged from the psych hospital. I’m still struggling with the eating disorder, but I have serious plans to go to inpatient in Pittsburgh very soon. Thank you for answering my question, and thank you for your abundant empathy. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know that my feelings are valid. You’re such a beautiful person!

[@SECruise]

ALSO! I didn’t have a plan or any intention of committing suicide when I was in rehab. I expressed suicidal THOUGHT but was very clear that I had no intention of carrying those thoughts out. She used the Columbia scale and, as you know I’m sure, you’re an automatic 9/10 if you’ve had a previous suicide attempt so they didn’t accept my insistence that I wasn’t in an imminent danger to myself.

[@andreafeelsfantastic]

@@SECruise i am glad you are still here

[@SECruise]

@@andreafeelsfantastic thank you so much

[@rosie1648]

Colour by numbers on the iPad or diamond art craft works for me , also cleaning & ironing 😀

[@maddie_142]

Thank you so much Kati for your thoughtful answers! Your podcast and videos have been so helpful to me over the past few months! Sending love

[@nettle8605]

I don’t think it’s fair to call an honest mistake an “aggression”, I agree.

[@toni2309]

The concept is that in society we have certain biases, certain people that are not thought of, certain social structures that disadvantage minorities. When you look behind such behaviours, what stands behind it is e.g. that working people are seen as the "normal" ones so much that apparently those who do not work are not worth being talked about. Or that it is social standard to assume someone's gender based on appearance and voice instead of giving people agency over it. Asking a black or asian looking person in Europe "Where are you (really) from?" isn't a honest mistake, it shows your bias of thinking that those people wouldn't be born in the country you are in.

[@nettle8605]

@@toni2309 (Sorry, my phone glitched...) I can agree on some of your points, but I don’t think asking a European who isn’t white “where are you from?” is the same as asking someone what they do for a living, and asking someone what they do for a living does not mean that one therefore devalues unemployed people. Using the wrong pronoun for a person stems from ignorance, not from maliciousness. I wouldn’t consider an unintentional mistake an act of aggression. If so, I’d experience these so-called micro-aggressions several times a week (being a minority and unemployed myself.) I’ve experienced direct discrimination, of course, but as long as there is no sign of malicious intention behind a simple assumption, I don’t take offense.

[@toni2309]

@@nettle8605 I think I get what you mean, I don't think they are malicious. That doesn't really help the fact that it's one step of othering me, and to me seem like a warning sign of not being safe to open up to, so I still don't know how to deal with them.

[@nettle8605]

@@toni2309 I just correct people. If people are a-holes about it, at least I’ll know not to engage with them further. Still, I’ll give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re well-intentioned.

[@toni2309]

@@nettle8605 Has this been working out for you? Idk, for me things were escalating so often I can't really tell what strategies work and which don't. That's why I've been asking... but Kati kinda didn't answer my question...

[@dawncraig3340]

I want to make a graphic for myself about trauma response and calming my nervous system. And I'll be happy to share. Am I getting these correct? Fight- breathing techniques, meditation, etc Flight- breathing, meditation, knitting, coloring Freeze-;movement, walk, full body shakes, then a respective motion like coloring or knitting Fawn- mental distraction, walk, make my brain work (my fawn shows up as spiraling thought going to people pleasing) Would love everyone's thoughts including yours Katie.

[@PH-xh4fs]

Have you made your graphic yet. Sometimes in the middle of a trigger I forget my tools Great idea, can you add journaling to freeze.

[@yb4691]

About GAD and the trigger 'panic attack'... Maybe listening to music helps. Not just listening, but trying to hear all the instruments apart and trying to find in which rhythm they use each instrument. How did they build this song? It distracts my mind when I listen and think about all the little things in a song ;)

[@sinner272]

I can actually support this. One time at a barber shop when I was feeling an impending panic attack, I tried so hard to remember a song that I liked and played it in my mind from start to finish. I distracted myself with the patterns and harmony I noticed. I used the technique every time I feel "panicky" or anxious in a not normal way, and it was mostly effective.

[@annellealexander4025]

Happy Thursday AKA Family ❤️🤗

[@stacijones5888]

Deep breathing works when I'm anxious in expressing my emotions, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed in my feelings I need more self soothing skills.

[@ryannesumbry4130]

Time stamps anyone 👀

[@blessingfarm3674]

I play Beat Saber on the Occulus VR for a half hour or so. It warms my muscles, I sweat (on harder levels) and focus on the game. Plus, it is exercise. Walks in nature are great if the weather cooperates. I still struggle at night, though.

[@compassionate.kindhearted.1266]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@toni2309]

Hi Kati, your answer for question 1 was great, that helped me understand things a lot. Thank you. It would be great to have a tool for what to think about instead of anxious thoughts when you can't like use an app or sth, like when you are busy with work or walking around. For question no.3, I posed that, it didn't really answer my question. For me, my logical conclusion is that because people don't mention us in conversations and don't think about our existence, we kind of ARE in some way not welcome. For me personally, from a logical lense, there is a systemic erasure here. Also, your solution seems like a circular argument, because most of the things I need in my life to get better need me to interact with people, who hurt me. So, unfortunately, I need to solve the hurting issue first before I can move on to make my life better.

[@jamieodonnell4680]

Just wanted to add to this. As a trans man, I relate to the trans aspect of this question. With misgendering, we as trans people know that people don't mean to hurt us (if it's by accident or the person doesn't know), it's more that we become distressed because of our gender dysphoria. Our outward presentation may not always align with society's perception of our gender identity. Basically, our outside doesn't align with our inside and that's very distressing. I also struggle when people misgender me. To help with this, I try doing things to affirm my gender. even just little things like wearing my favourite clothing or wearing pronoun badges (I know that one might be a little unsafe). But it's about expressing yourself and being able to look in the mirror and see YOU. By building up these little gender affirming things, the more confident you'll become. I'm a small guy and I've been on testosterone for 2 years and I still get called a woman everyday, despite having a little bit of facial hair 😂. I still struggle when people misgender me, but not nearly as much as I used to because I know I look like ME. I recognise myself when I look in the mirror and some people are just ignorant to that. I absolutely agree that we should talk about our experiences as it will help others to become more open-minded and help us to feel welcomed. Toni, I just want to let you know that by you existing and being who you are, that's so powerful! Please remember that. The more visible we are, hopefully people will see that there is no one certain way to be. Big love to you all ❤️🏳️‍⚧️ xx

[@emileehoerl98]

I just left a comment about your question. I agree that Katie’s answer didn’t suffice. I left some advice I hope it helps. We deserve better than the unwelcome treatment we get ❤️ - fellow queer, disabled person

[@toni2309]

@@jamieodonnell4680 Thanks for your answer :) I'm happy to not be alone. I'm a bit in a weird spot where men's clothing actually gives me more dysphoria than something more unisex or feminine. Because, well, men's clothes just don't fit on my body like on a man's body, and with more feminine clothes at least I look cute. I also just don't go out much, so often, the only people I meet that aren't my friends or family are strangers. Although I know that not to be true, it kinda makes me feel like everyone outside my circle of friends isn't going to gender me correctly. So that's a belief I would like to challenge.

[@jamieodonnell4680]

@@toni2309 Of course! Wear what's most comfortable for you. It's good to build up that confidence. The more you show that confidence, the more people will see you for who you are on the inside. But if strangers do misgender you, I find it helpful to vent to friends and family who are affirming and accepting 😊🏳️‍⚧️

[@emileehoerl98]

I have a different take on question 3 about micro-aggressions. (Queer, disabled person speaking) To me, Katie’s answer felt a bit out of touch and ableist (sort of like micro-aggressions do). I believe Katie did not intend for it to come off this way, and that she answered the best she could. It is not your job as a trans, disabled person to get thicker skin towards these assumptions which hurt your confidence and increase your anxiety. It is not your fault people make these wrong assumptions and don’t correct themselves well enough to ease your discomfort. My best advice to you who asked this question (I hope you see this) is 1) get involved in the queer/disabled community online if at all possible-even if it’s just finding representative media to consume. 2) you know these hurtful questions are coming, so write a script (or copy someone else’s) to prepare how you are comfortable correcting that person. 3) if you regularly find yourself interacting with people who don’t treat you with respect, find somewhere else to shop/eat/socialize. (I know it’s so hard, I live in the Bible Belt of the US). These three things have drastically improved my confidence. You need some good experiences to change the negative beliefs you shared. You can’t just think them away, they are real things that are happening regularly (impact over intention is what matters!) I know this is long so thanks to anyone who finished reading and please anyone else especially BIPOC if you have other advice leave it here too!

[@karenspecht3170]

Yes!

[@DrPatrickKingsep]

Hi Kati and others here on the channel, good advice on how to calm self as I believe this is so important to have skills you can use yourself when needed rather than relying on someone else to help you decrease anxiety. What do you think?

[@raywood8187]

I've been told before to just take a 'chill pill'. I feel like saying if you have a chill pill, give me one or just shut it! I get annoyed by not helpful euphemisms from people who just don't get it. Reality just doesn't fit on a bumper sticker.

[@fatnorth723]

For the first question, how are you supposed to do any tool in public, when u can't really go anywhere?

[@justmeemi6350]

There is one spot between your thumb and first finger that is painful when you press down on it (by using your other hand, you put your thumb on one side of the looser skin & muscle in that area and your other finger goes on top). This is useful to „snap out of it“ when you are out and about. Smth else I use are the lids or caps of glass bottles which you take off using an opener (small enough to fit in your hand and again helpful to get you to snap out of an attack). Running up steps (just act as if you are late) or walking into a shop with the clear goal of finding 10 items starting with the letter “…”. (You can even take a basket and place them in). If in nature: look for 10 different plants and leave types,… Rubbing your arm, shoulder, or collarbone (near to where you might feel a lot of pressure from breathing). - this also releases oxytocin which is a hormone that calms down the system. Just a few ideas of the top of my head that I use frequently (whatever you go for -> try it out several times beforehand).

[@yb4691]

Is there a public bathroom/toilet? Or can you go for a walk?

[@natalieedelstein]

Microaggression doesn't just mean someone doesn't know. It can come up in a lot of other ways. One example is doctors failing to tell a visibly disabled man that one of the possible common side effects of his medication is erectile dysfunction because they don't think he'd have sex given his disability, so he doesn't need to know. Another is not including developmentally disabled people who communicate exclusively nonverbally in meetings about their accommodations because they don't think the person would have the intellect to contribute nor understand. Another is a waiter going up to a table of a woman with cerebral palsy and her husband and asking the husband what his wife wants to order rather than addressing the wife to order on her own. Microaggressions are discrimination, not pure ignorance.

[@emileehoerl98]

Yes!! This. Thank you. Ngl I was a bit fired up after listening to question 3. I appreciate you putting these examples of micro aggressions in the comments

[@natalieedelstein]

Honestly, same. It is a sign of privilege not to face constant barriers to accessibility and inclusion and being denied basic human rights and dignity purely on the basis of discrimination. Microagressions tend not to be litigated because people experience this nonsense every day, day after day and they'd have to sue people constantly to keep up with the amount of discrimination being faced. When you are constantly facing discrimination, you get to a point where you have to pick and choose your battles because you can't meet your basic needs if you fight all of them. Typically it's stuff that sends a clear discriminatory message but it isn't worded directly like "we don't like you because you're *insert marginalized group*" so it's hard to legally fight those other battles but that doesn't mean those messages aren't discrimination.

[@toni2309]

I have put the "please talk about other microaggressions, too" in my question, but this seemed to get ignored. I'm sorry for not including better examples, I put in what was most common to me, because for those things it was obvious to me that this wasn't just single people being shit but a systematic thing... I also don't go out much, "look normal", I haven't known for a long time, am too scared to ask for accommodation, so I know I have different experiences than people who look visibly different and get out a lot. A big part of why I posed the question was that I know that I need to get out more and also ask for accommodations more, and be more honest to help my mental health, but I also suspect, that I would experience more microagressions, so I was hoping to get some advice on how to navigate that. Kati's answer literally did not help with that. I literally need to be able to navigate this to do what she suggested.

[@natalieedelstein]

@@toni2309 I deal with a ton of invisible disabilities myself and CONSTANTLY face microagressions because I don't "look" disabled. People constantly ask me for the seat in the disabled section when I am there and actually need it without considering the possibility that I might be disabled. People constantly think my disability can't be that disabling if they don't see it. It is incessant and I literally advocate on this very issue all the time. The examples I gave were more for the clarification of examples where it is possible that a microagression goes beyond just not knowing. Other people don't need to see your disability for it to be very disabling. There's a lot your body does for you under the surface. Cells, organs, organ systems, mitochondria, tissues, hormones, electrical signals, neurotransmitters, pH balance, temperature, vitamins minerals, etc. where if something goes awry with any one of those things, it can have a big impact. Walking isn't the only thing your body does for you and people need to consider the possibility that there is more than meets the eye. It is not right that we as disabled people constantly are fighting for justice and are met with this type of feedback on what a microagression even is--simply a problem with us. I really like Kati and her content in general, but I have to say this was truly either gaslightey or simply ignorance from having the privilege not to face such discrimination on an ongoing basis. You are not the problem in this.

[@jessman8597]

Therapists need to be really cautious about terminating clients. How can a therapist know if there's progress. Does a doctor terminate a patient because their diabetes is only managed and not "cured." Therapists are simply clueless to the devastation of unilateral termination. It's absolutely heartless and simply should be an extremely rare occurrence, unfortunately it's not.

[@Batmanzach]

Went through myself this year

[@kurtrasmussen8519]

Don't listen to Mark, I like your song. And I like listening to your program. If nothing else, it's nice to hear about other people's problems rather than my own.

[@chantellekaro4344]

9.33 dot to dot