People Pleasing and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome | The CFS Health Podcast (Episode 39)

[@mycreativeheart4159]

I had a really good laugh at Toby's comment about"Lets look at the resentment people pleasers feel when their feelings are not reciprocated." Gosh that was me!!! I used to hand make gifts, hand make the cards and wrapping paper, painstakingly decorate and present gifts that were make specifically for that particular person. (Not a general gift for anyone.) Yes... I would do this for special occasions, but often "just because". I would be incredibly resentful if there was no "thank you",.... no "Isn't this special.".... no "You are so thoughtful." What I was getting out of this people pleasing action was validation that I was helpful, useful, valuable, kind, thoughful. But I was resentful because they didn't appreciate the energy and time (which I had very little of)... that I put into doing something nice for them. I have stopped doing this people pleasing action as a source of validation. I admit... I still make random gifts for people... but it's on a completely different level. I do it because I love to make art and I love to share the joy that art makes me feel. I do not rely on pleasing others with my gift. It's up to them to create their own happiness.

[@vidark.6301]

Yes the resentment! I have come to realise that the act of doing something for others, like you're gift-wrapping (I never did that btw, on the contrary crude wrappings from me), is that it feels really good to be kind and thoughtful. So I'm doing it for myself too.

[@sharonmclean9992]

I've recently realized that I'm a people pleaser, was resisting it for a long time. I see it as behavior that helped me feel safe when I was growing up. And then it became a habit! This video was so helpful, I'm looking at this from all angles. I have no doubt that working with this issue will help me enormously with my recovery!! Thank you so much!

[@CFSHealth]

Great insight!

[@karendeluce9131]

BRILLIANT episode, thank you. Gemma expresses these complicated issues so clearly. My whole life I have (unconsciously) been addicted to people pleasing. It was important for people to perceive me as being kind, capable, reliable etc and the way I lived my life manipulated things so that everyone thought that. I was proud of being an above and beyond person and thought it was my best quality. The worst thing ever for me would be to let someone down. Thriving off the adrenaline of over achieving served me well for 40 years until a perfect storm of circumstances suddenly meant that it didn't. I am taking time now while I am sick to really think about what i want my life to look like at the other side of recovery. How can I be successful without being so frantic and busy? How can I have fulfilling relationships with family and friends without being scared of conflict or always putting others first? I don't have the answers yet but this episode has helped me with this. Thank you so much for your amazing content.

[@marikie]

Appreciate this sharing very much. Have been in recovery from people pleasing lately, still working on the final touch. It´s really such an important part of my recovery from CFS!

[@juliepalmer2589]

Such an articulate conversation! I will be listening to this regularly, just like a guided meditation. Thank you both so much for your loving kindness in sharing this. ❤️ ❤

[@CFSHealth]

Fantastic!! Great to hear!

[@margaretschepis5673]

1. Boundaries are about me, not for the other person. 2. We all need certainty (but look for it externally). 3.Boundaries give you that certainty. 4. Clarify what it is you need. 5. Boundaries allow you to take control of the situation yourself. 6. Ask yourself, what is important that's not happening here?

[@CFSHealth]

Thanks for sharing!

[@JennyWhitehead-sv7jf]

Great summary! Now to implement it!

[@AntonyJS]

This is so amazingly important to nearly all of us. This is a huge part of 'the work' for gaining pure health. Love this epsisode. Accepting that you do these people pleasing acts and then slowly catching yourself and working on changing with self conpassion. Love it, ive been working on this for a long while now and its helping me a lot.

[@CFSHealth]

Agree!! Well said

[@gailparsons6267]

.Ii am right there in this process. Has cost every family member and all friends. Excruciatingly liberating.

[@JennyWhitehead-sv7jf]

Boundaries allow certainty- so obvious but I don’t think I’ve ever digested that before. Thank you both, you’re changing the world!

[@mycreativeheart4159]

I've never thought about it this way either.... I mean I know how important it is that I set boundaries for myself and others... as a way not to overwhelm and overburden myself, but I never thought of them as a way to create certainty...... routine and structure.... knowing what will happen and when. Brilliant awareness.

[@maevey3]

This is what I'm working through right now.

[@CFSHealth]

This episode will help with that!

[@anjas686]

Great Episode - so Open, greatly and simply explained, thank you so much!

[@CFSHealth]

You’re welcome

[@joannebate-shawcross4653]

Outer body experience... 100% i feel that now... Its all pressure , guilt, de hunan . (Robot) People pleasing.. lovely video inspirational.. ❤ thank you kindly xxx hard to stop at 53 xx

[@CFSHealth]

Thanks for watching! Comment below your biggest takeaway or aha moment from this episode!

[@ChrisEkstedt]

Very timely. I'm having this specific problem right now with a connection I have. There's an element of co-dependency in it (and both people are afflicted) and the idea of boundaries is very very helpful here. I'm so grateful for this effort of yours. Thanks so much!

[@lisadennys6045]

This was a fantastic eye-opener! Great insight and practical tips.

[@CFSHealth]

You’re welcome

[@amiradancer3846]

Really interesting conversation and so relatable. You talk about the nervous system but you didn't mention, that people pleasing is a stress response just like fight/flight/freeze, this one is called fawn. It's important to know, because it helps feeling less shame when we have this response.

[@mycreativeheart4159]

@@amiradancer3846 reading your comment I realized that people pleasing is also a survival mechanism. If you keep people happy... they will stop attacking you. This is probably what started my people pleasing. Trying to anticipate my mother's reaction and make sure I reacted appropriately so as not to disrupt anything ... keep the peace... and then maybe she would accept me, stop criticizing me, maybe even say she loved me.

[@mycreativeheart4159]

My significant eye-opening moment came when Gemma talked about ....."Are you on board with all the roles, parts, and pieces that you're going to have to journey through, ...the things that are going to be asked of you... to get the results that you want?" There is a personal situation that I am the only one responsible for, the only one in control of. I know I need to do XYZ, .... but I never really thought about being on board with "all the pieces" of XYZ, and being committed to doing "what would be asked of me". I was picking and choosing what parts of the process I was going to commit to. Of course I was picking the easy parts.... and rejoicing because I was doing such a good job... but then I wasn't committed to the hard parts and would become easily frustrated, disillusioned, and give up. I continue to keep myself stuck in this cycle... over and over again. Why? What am I getting out of it? I think for me personally... I get tired of having to be "responsible" all the time.... a very child-like attitude. After being responsible (ie; people pleasing) for all of my life.... childhood to adulthood. I don't want to be the responsible one anymore... I want a break!!!...LOL!!! And this situation consistently offers that escape scenario where I can not take responsibility, veg out, and have my break. But these actions are not serving me at all.... and will certainly not get me the results I want. I am specifically "shying away" from taking responsibility for my own actions. I'm going to now explore the ways I can fully commit to every piece of my plan and how I can navigate the "asks" that come during the harder parts of the journey... So that I can get to where I want to be. So very grateful Gemma and Toby!!!❤️❤️❤️. This is a HUGE new awareness for me... and I love it!! EDIT.... I listened to certain sections again.... and I see now that I was shying away from the painful parts of this journey that would bring me "awareness!" Sitting in the awareness that... "This item, this action, this behavior, this habit... is something I would like to let go of, and be rid of in the future." "That I would like to let go of this thing... so I have more time and energy to do what makes me happy." I was skipping over this awareness or this questioning as I thought it would just "naturally fall into place or resolve itself" during my journey.

[@OrigamiCalm]

This is just what I needed and perfect timing. Thank you.

[@CFSHealth]

😊

[@vidark.6301]

Great one.. And great clip as teaser in the beginning. I’m out of ME-land but still recovering. Found out emotions is a big one for me; and this episode was on point. Will listen again..!

[@sassi7966]

Biggest thing to me was always feeling inferior to others. I always put them first because they always seemed more important. I guess it comes down to feeling dependent on others too. And having low self esteem. So, I didn't matter. I didn't even know what I wanted. It never even crossed my mind. And if it did, I buried it, with food and drinking etc. Same with letting others act superior over me, if I didn't like it, I buried that in the same way too. Takes so long to realise this, I fear it's too late..

[@cathycoppin5682]

Don’t have choice but to rest up only thing that makes me better

[@OrigamiCalm]

same here! You're not alone.

[@mycreativeheart4159]

Switch up your mindset Cathy and Origami,... just a little. Instead of thinking that you have "no choice" but to rest. Think of it as "you are making the healthy choice to rest... until your body is ready to do more." With a mindset of "having no choice"... you feel like you have no control, you are behind the 8 ball, there is no future but lying in bed... life is essentially done. This is being stuck in victim mode... "There is nothing I can do." By reframing it as "you are choosing to rest until your body is healthy enough to do other things.".... here you are in control, you made the healthy choice, it's a beginning to something else, there is a future, there is hope. Love and Hugs❤

[@margaretschepis5673]

Fantastic thank you!

[@CFSHealth]

Pleasure

[@privateperson5769]

So good !! Fear of rejection. Something abt women ...we have to be 'nice', everyone has to like us. If we arent nice we are a hard b*tch and get judged. I find a lot of this is true for me but slso find it hard to put self boundaries in place like not doing everything the one day i feel slightly better ! I expect too much of myself. I believe i got sick from trying to people please all the time and be accepted and liked by everyone ...then we might partner up and have kids and we think we have to be everyhthing to everybody except ourselves.

[@esthercaulfield9603]

Really helpful episode. Any advice that would make this more specifically aimed towards creating boundaries with family members? A pushy/needy mother in particular? Many thanks

[@CFSHealth]

Thanks for sharing. We do not give personalised advice on our social media channels.

[@mycreativeheart4159]

A book that might be helpful is "Co-dependent No More." By Melody Beattie. I'm about 5 chapters in. People tend not to believe you when you are trying to set boundaries.... so sticking to your guns and repetition is probably essential. A specific answer is probably dependant on the specific situation. I can give you an example of what I've been doing... My mother constantly harps on my weight, how weirdly I eat, and how much I don't exercise.... as being skinny is her way of been seen as successful. If you're overweight, you're lazy, and no one will take you seriously. Now this all started when I reached puberty at 10 so it's been going on for 50 years. I now say to her... "Thank you for being concerned about my health, but this is the way I eat now." (I eat clean, no gluten, dairy, soy.... so no breads, pasta, crackers, or cow cheese.) Sometimes, depending on the conversation, I'll add.... "I eat this way because if I don't, I feel sick, my pain is worse, and my sleep is worse.".... or "I know you want me to get better,.... I do too ....which is why I eat this way." Sometimes the repetition is like a broken record..... but I must admit she doesn't seem to harass me as much as she used to. Last time I visited she didn't say anything about food... she moved on to exercise.... since she was going for one of her twice a day 50 min walks (shes 83 !!!) I said, "Thank you for inviting me on your walk... but I can either go for a walk or I can make my friends wedding quilt while I'm here. (making the quilt was part of the reason I was visiting) ... I can't do both... and right now the quilt is more important than the walk." At that point I turned and walked into her quilt room... to signal the "discussion" was over. Hope this helps Esther! Best Wishes!❤

[@christianewinspeare8740]

Welcome to the restaurant kitchen 👌 it depends where you work and in which profession! I think you should know when you stop coping or when you don't have a life/ balance! Older folks in the past worked tons harder but there was a community which helped each other!!! We have lost that in cities 👌 I feel you are missing the point here sorry!👍

[@maiqueashworth]

That's me