Problematic Friendships? Why We Stay + What to Change - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Tell me about your friendships: do you have a sense you've outgrown any of them or feel obligated to stay friends? What might need to change to make it fulfilling? Remember to download the guide for a 20-question friendship assessment: www.terricole.com/problematic-friendships-guide

[@piakopp6248]

I distanced from a friendship, when I noticed that not only her competing all the time was exhausting, but that I shared less and less personal things with her - noticing that when I was delighted about something she nearly every time talked it down. It took me a while to be okay with it and not feeling guilty, but now I am glad I did it !

[@terri_cole]

Right on! ❤️

[@marilynoverton8142]

Thank you so much, Terri, for helping me think through friendships that have reached their expiration date. I stayed too long because of the history we shared. Now, it's not enough.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome, Marilyn ❤️ The historical handcuffs can be really hard to break away from!

[@Chantal103]

I always feel bad when friendships end. It’s really great to be reminded that they often just run their course.

[@terri_cole]

I think it's normal to feel that way even if the fact is that many will fade over time 💕 We can still honor our feelings and experiences around it!

[@debrahickman5870]

Thank you so much Terry for this video. I was in a friendship with a female that was very one-sided and I did feel bullied, controlled and I knew there was some things that weren't right. The relationship has ended and I pray for her and me regularly. I forgive her and myself and I give it to God!💜💙

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@klawony]

This is very timely. Thank you, Terry. Im going through a major friendship debacle right now. The worst part of that is I who feels like there is something wrong with me for not being able to sustain that friendship 😢😢

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Try going through the 20-question friendship assessment in the guide, it might give you a different perspective. ❤️

[@maryannallard9263]

Very Interesting, I have noticed that sometimes a friendship with someone is there to support my need to be of use , to be the savior. Once I realised that I stopped needing this person to change and our relationship became of a different nature and i could appreciate the lighter side of the frienship. We are really 50% part of the solution. Our friendship evolved. thank you for all your content

[@terri_cole]

Yes, Maryann! Thank you for sharing such a great example of how we can change dynamics ❤️

[@birdie6916]

Wonderful video and advice. Thank you, Terri! This really resonated. I experienced the erosion of many friendships after my cancer diagnosis a few years ago. That was so painful. It still is in some ways. I was the go-to person for mostly all of the people in my life and when I became ill, I had to seriously focus on my health. Things shifted dramatically. At the time, it was so hard to lose what I thought were true friends, but as time went on and with a lot of therapy, I learned they weren't my true friends at all. When I got through the cancer hell, I realized how much I had changed--physically, mentally, spiritually---and I went through a "cleaning of the house" moment where I re-analyzed many of my connections and realized that we were just too different in our fundamental values to have a genuine connection anymore, and perhaps we never did. When I got engaged, that was yet another moment of losing friends who couldn't be genuinely happy for me. It's weird, ya know?--to always have been the one cheering everyone else on--all the time, even while I was sick! And then to experience the lack of reciprocation, it's sad. I really try not to dwell on it and just keep moving forward. Now I have only 2 super close gal friends who will be in my wedding party next year (20+ years of friendship 🙂) and a couple of others. I finally came to the conclusion that that's all I need and all I want. So many of my former friendships were so unbalanced, so I suppose cancer was a gift in that it opened my eyes to who wants to be--and gets to be--in my inner circle. I've also learned that family members can be just as toxic and draining. Do you have a video on that, specifically siblings? Thank you.💕

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Birdie ❤️A lack of reciprocity in cheering each other on is painful. I'm so glad you have two close gal friends of 20+ years to celebrate your wedding day with! I don't have anything specifically around siblings, although I talk a lot about overall family dynamics. Are you wondering how to navigate toxicity in siblings, or something else? I have a video about handling difficult people in general, but you've commented on it so I think you've seen it!: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eoGsiJWajpWNo5o And this is an older video on signs a family is dysfunctional: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZoPGh6qpeN-dbas

[@birdie6916]

@@terri_cole Thank you!

[@joysachs9032]

Just yesterday, I felt like a bottle of glue!! I seem to be the one who "does the right thing" and stays in touch. And yes, when I am down, there isn't a soul I trust enough to talk to. Usually all too busy with their own lives or laying their issues at my door. I say ENOUGH. I am worth more than being a bottle of glue! Timeous video. Thanks so much for your insights and knowledge. Sending love from Panama 🇵🇦 ❤😊

[@terri_cole]

Yes you are worth so much more ❤️ I'm glad it was helpful!

[@joysachs9032]

@terri_cole thank you ♡♡

[@donnareitzel991]

Terri, I think you are the best!!! You give such valuable and life applicable advice!!! Thank you so very much for sharing your expertise and time with your KZbin family!!!!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@maryagarwal6423]

Hello, I am new and my name is Mary from Michigan. Your videos are insightful and inspirational.

[@terri_cole]

Welcome Mary, glad to have you here ❤️

[@courtneymccullough1264]

Thank you Terri!!! Another great video with very valuable content. Your book was life changing for me and I’ve probably recommended it to more than 100 people by now, as a therapist. Many of my clients have benefited greatly from your work and has empowered them to either leave relationships or change the current dynamic! Can’t wait to grab your new book 😍

[@courtneymccullough1264]

Also I’ve experienced a lot of these unhealthy friendships over the last years and finally not trying to mend them and just moving on and moving closer to the right people ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, Courtney! I'm so appreciative of the support ❤️❤️

[@terri_cole]

Yes to moving closer to the right people ❤️

[@Summer_Harvest]

In HS I had classmates I did not know well come to me to tell me a very serious something that happened to them. It's not that we weren't friendly and we didn't become close friends. We had that intimate experience. I know the women around me hold a lot in. We can go for weeks not discussing our own troubles. I feel like there are many hurting people and struggling couples. We try to check in and are watchful for cues whether we want to share or It's too much. Women need to be there for one another. That's a good community! I hope you have the most amazing week Terri. Thank you for all the good work you do. 🧡✨️

[@terri_cole]

Right back at you 💕and I agree that women need to be there for one another! We're stronger together.

[@natashalucas6813]

Thank you Mrs. Cole for your weekly content. I am a new comer to your work and WOW it seems every episode is a chapter in my life. Friendship with my sister in law has come to a crossroad. Can’t divorce your family but I’m learning boundaries. As a recovering people pleaser this is still hard for me and I have been pulled back into some of the behaviors of old out of guilt. I married into a highly enmeshed family and I’m drowning. Any content on this would be a blessing. Appreciate you for everything you do!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Natasha ❤️ I have a video on enmeshed family systems here, but it's more about the signs and it seems like you know them!: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aZzcooJ5jZ6Xqdk These are some strategies and boundary scripts to use: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gp6apaSKm9hqoNU And here's a video on guilt when setting boundaries: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j5ebo2irjrZ0eKs It may also help to talk to your partner about this and how it's affecting you and the relationship because ultimately, it's their family, and they need to be in your corner setting boundaries alongside you. ❤️

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

I just got done journaling about my cousin who has kicked me when I’m down (more than once). It’s that terrible dilemma between family love/obligation and fidelity to myself. Ugh. Thank you for this timely topic!❤️🙏🏼

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing that dynamic with your cousin 💕 You're far from alone in that dilemma!

[@sahilgulati5376]

Brilliant content! This kind of stuff improves our day-to-day.

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear that ❤️

[@HeavenlyLights]

This is how horrible some neighbours can be… the arrogant entitled neighbours next door think they deserve my house because they procreated. They tried to flood me out of my house when I had a cast on my arm. Ya there really are horrible people in the world like that!

[@ServantofJesus247]

Yes I have a few relationships I feel stuck in. You said something that I need clarity on. What behaviors classify a friend acting like a boyfriend? Like is there a standard for friendships do's and don't Or can you set whatever boundaries you want? Great topic

[@terri_cole]

That friend I mentioned was acting very possessively toward me, almost like she thought she "owned" me, which isn't okay in any relationship! There was a sense of entitlement about it. You get to decide how much time you want to spend with someone, and it should be mutually agreed on or at least discussed. But when there's a sense of pressure or unspoken expectation you're going to spend all your time with them, or they act like you hanging out with anyone else is a betrayal, that's not healthy. Hope that helps clarify!

[@ServantofJesus247]

@terri_cole totally makes sense yes that's a bit possessive. Thanks for clarifying

[@fr3agy]

Hi Terri, Thank you so much for your incredible wisdom and insights. Your videos have been a source of clarity and comfort for me, but I’m currently struggling with a friendship situation that feels deeply painful, and I would love your guidance. I’ve been best friends with someone for 25 years, but over the past two years, things have changed dramatically. Since she got engaged and married, she seems to doubt my love, intentions, and actions, even though I’ve remained the same friend I’ve always been. It feels like she now interprets my behavior through a lens of mistrust, questioning my character and care for her in ways she never did before. I’ve communicated openly with her multiple times that communication is a boundary for me - that I need us to talk when something is wrong so I don’t feel ghosted, ignored, or left to guess what’s going on. Yet, this is now the third time where she’s withdrawn for months without explaining why, only to later bring up a list of disappointments and grievances, after I tell her, that something feels off in our relationship and that I feel deeply hurt by her behavior. This time, though, it’s even harder because she’s questioning my love and who I am as a person. What also troubles me deeply is the nagging feeling that her husband may be influencing this dynamic. The timing is too close to ignore - her doubts and changed behavior toward me began soon after their official engagement. She never acted this way toward me before; we always had a happy and loving relationship. The way her husband behaves reminds me strongly of my father, whose narcissistic tendencies caused so much harm. I find myself feeling like I need to “rescue” her from this dynamic, as though she’s a victim, but I know I can’t do that. No matter what kind of manipulation may be happening, she still needs to take responsibility for her choices and actions. This situation is triggering old wounds for me. My father’s manipulation often led my mother to absorb and believe his lies about me, leaving me constantly needing to defend my character and prove my love. I see this same painful pattern playing out now, and it’s overwhelming. I feel stuck between wanting to preserve this lifelong friendship and protecting my own emotional well-being. How can I handle this with grace? Is it okay to take a step back, even if it means leaving things unresolved? How do I release the need to “save” her while also honoring my own boundaries? Thank you so much for your insight and guidance. I truly value everything you share.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love ❤️ Given that this is an important, long-standing relationship mixed with old wounds, I suggest reaching out to a therapist (if it's accessible) to really go through all of this. I've had many therapy clients tell me their friendship breakups feel just as, if not more painful, than their romantic breakups, so it's common. ❤️ You could take a step back during this time and let your friend know you need some space to process what's going on to move forward healthily. It's possible the friendship may fade during this time (which is also why it would be helpful to have a therapist for continued support), but protecting your emotional well-being comes first. As for releasing the need to "save" her, I have my own story about this related to my sister that I share in this interview here that might be helpful to hear: kzbin.info/www/bejne/ep_VaGewmNJ4fZosi=76pMTdjjJVqZpDpN&t=1113 She was in a horrible relationship situation and I had to release my need for control around it. Wishing you the best ❤️

[@fr3agy]

@ thank you so much dear Terri for your compassionate words… thank you for taking the time and making me feel seen and heard.. indeed, this friendship situation is so deeply painful, I haven’t felt something like it before.. Thank you for sharing your story about "saving" your sister - I watched that video and it already helped me to release some pain.. I will try to find a therapist to work through all of that, I thank you for your kindness 🙏 Stay blessed, happy and in peace dear Terri, I really appreciate your work 🙏

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, I'm glad hearing my story helped release some pain ❤️❤️ In case it helps, I have a video on how to find the right therapist here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gZLRfqCKisqIorM The guide for it is incredibly comprehensive, too.

[@fr3agy]

@ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LINKING THAT VIDEO! 🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️ YOU ARE KINDNESS!!!

[@marywolfe6598]

I can't deal with people who want to visit and then they sit there on their phone scrolling or checking emails.... RUDE! Last time it happened I looked at her and said, "Are you bored? " I would rather they stay home. She did eventually stop.

[@terri_cole]

I'm with you, Mary!

[@simpleblossom7441]

This has helped me a lot. I actually have been struggling with whether I should keep some friends in my life, and this completely nailed it, I used your guide to not only assess whether I want to keep certain friends in my life, but also whether I am being the healthiest friend to others so I can keep myself in check. For your future podcasts, could you perhaps cover a topic about unhealthy relationship between fans and celebrities? As females we look up to other female celebrities but I notice it can often become something unhealthy if not approached correctly (thinking celebrities are perfect, their lifestyle leads to happiness, buying their products make you more like them, and so on). Thank you! Also looking forward to buying your books soon, do you think you will write a book about father wound sometimes perhaps? since it will be a bit cheaper than taking a course. Thank you so much for everything you do.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️ And I love that you are also checking in on whether you're being the healthiest friend to others! I'll note down that topic suggestion for future episodes, thank you! Funny you mention the father wound...that book is coming, but not until 2026 since Too Much just came out! My father wound course is available as part of my membership, which is $59/mo or $590/year, in case that's a bit more accessible. I also did a short series about the father wound here (there are guides for each episode): kzbin.info/aero/PLMaWdZCQtiJ998hZfFYuGWqN0RPxP4nyy

[@simpleblossom7441]

@terri_cole thank you so much for the comment. That is fantastic, can't wait for the future books and read your current books and thank you for making the course more affordable with the membership thing, that's incredible. Have a lovely week!

[@valebilan]

Love this one 🤗

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@stephh9720]

Thank you so much This is my current struggle ❤️❤️❤️

[@terri_cole]

I see you ❤️

[@mistrock322]

Needed this content

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@tarapedersen8606]

hi Terri. just watched some new videos. very interesting topics you discuss. I would like to know please how to fix a toxic relationship with a parent who won't meet you halfway. thank you! it is just out of curiousness.

[@terri_cole]

If you've tried talking to the parent and they're unwilling to meet you halfway at all, there may be nothing to "fix." If you want this parent in your life, you need to figure out how you want to proceed with the relationship in a way that protects yourself. (That might be less frequent contact, or when there is contact, a smaller amount of it.) I have videos on setting boundaries with parents, but if they're unwilling to compromise, I'm not sure they would help.

[@AnnaManowarda]

How do you handle it when the friend you need to break off with is part of a trio with yourself and another, healthy friend?

[@ServantofJesus247]

I totally understand this. It's very hard!!! And the person in the middle is very stressed and feel they have to choose. I've just decided to limit group hangouts and keep strong boundaries with the difficult one. But I would pray about it.

[@terri_cole]

That sounds like a difficult situation. ❤️ I would do the work to end the friendship and then speak to the other (healthier) friend about the situation and your desire to remain friends. I would let that person know that you understand it might be a tricky situation for them and you are empathetic to it, but also want to be able to stay friends while distancing yourself from the other person.

[@marywolfe6598]

There are two best friends......#1Jesus, #2.yourself........be your own best friend.

[@lilysleisure1918]

Meeting them leaves a bad taste in one's mouth.

[@terri_cole]

True!

[@aprilwilcox5065]

I have a friend who only wants to listen to me when things are bad for me.....other than that she will literally cut me off when I'm talking so she can talk about herself and how much money she has since her father died..... everything is about her. She's a very greedy, selfish person who won't even buy anything for her husband who has supported her during her entire adult life and still uses his money for everything that is purchased for the household.....I guess I've answered my own questions about what I need to do about this friendship

[@terri_cole]

That sounds tiring, April. I'm sorry to hear that ❤️ Sometimes we just need to write it out to figure out what to do!

[@marykaylor7337]

It a cultural dynamic that breads staying in friendships and family relationships that unhealthy. Setiing limits and boundaries can be turned around and they decide your are the difficult and unreasonable person. Even that has to be acknowledged and dismissed and that can be very wearing. My tendency was to let that go because it was so misinformed and would take more time to explain and they were not interested in hearing anything which why the boundary was placed in the first place. Medication prescribed -and that was no answer tho any of this.

[@terri_cole]

You're right that it can be wearing. ❤️ I have heard from many folks in the community that they would rather be alone than have disrespectful friends or friends who don't understand their need for boundaries. It's an individual choice, but one to make mindfully. I believe that when we let unhealthy friendships go, we create space for the right kinds of people to come into our life, but it does take effort.

[@cinkoking]

I'm Erich Thrush