r/AmITheA**Hole For Making My Child Cry With Brutal Honesty?

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#AITA #Family #Parenting

[@taylorlibby7642]

The problem with "brutal honesty" is that those who practice it always seem just a bit more comfortable with and interested in the brutality than in the honesty.

[@mgaus]

I agree. With this story, though, I missed the brutality

[@jraxreviewsxcosplayxmore6934]

It’s always more brutality with a hint of honesty

[@raeishimura]

Yeah, that does seem to be the case usually. It's always a little honestly with a heaping helping of brutality. Then they get all confused as to why people don't like that sort of thing.

[@zebnemma]

I feel like there's a difference between being honest and brutally honest. And I'm saying that as a person that values honesty alot. Those that say they are brutally honest just seems like they are bullies cuz they always seem to zero in on your insecurities and just have to point them out. Honesty is not about bullying people LMAO.

[@HackiePuffs]

You can be honest but there’s this thing called tact

[@tricorvus2673]

My mother was a girly girl and I was a Daddy's girl. In her extreme old age, we bonded over Harry Potter. Her eyesight was crap and I read them to her. I have a "you are there!" reading aloud style. She always told stories of her life in the same delivery fashion. Mother even went so far as to describe how she'd make quidditch better - gorier and more brutal, lol.

[@mauimonique]

As a MAJOR Harry Potter fan, I loved this comment! Thank you for sharing. My mom, sister, and I bond over HP.

[@usagi18]

Your mom is Bernardette Wolowitz!!

[@macylouwho1187]

This is so wholesome, I love this happy ending story. Thanks for sharing :). We are HP fans in this house too 👍

[@itsjustmaddisen]

Story 1: I’ve heard this story before and apparently OP likes makeup. OP could help their daughter wearing makeup while she cosplays. That’s definitely an idea- mum can ask about makeup the original characters wear or use makeup for illusion looks. The daughter can talk about the character she’s cosplaying as and OP can show the makeup and bond over that. Take her to an anime convention because they usually have decent celebrity guests and who knows maybe OP might find an anime she does like (I got a shit ton of anime because I went on a Sunday instead of Saturday the sales were unreal).

[@D-me-dream-smp]

Yep people are missing the main issue- it’s about your mindset and making a conscious decision to care about and take an interest in what a loved one cares about. I feel the mother took the comment as a personal criticism and reacted defensively rather than seeing it as the daughter genuinely reaching out and wanting a closer bond. The mother could have made the situation a lot more productive by simply being open, listening to the daughter, validating her concerns and having a mature discussion where the BOTH come together to work out solutions.

[@Gloria-ro4vn]

Daughter has had POOR grades throughout high school. It only makes sense to go to community college then switch to a university, that is, if she is REALLY serious about her education and not going just to party.

[@raeishimura]

Second story, gee, I wonder why OP would want to just leave and cut contact with a POS who abandoned his son for most of his life so he could go off and play happy family with a whole new family. No, NTA. Father is years too late to make things work

[@jellysquid8077]

The mom in the very first story didn't just say they have nothing in common. She basically said "Well we would be close if you were just a girly-girl (which in and of itself is a dumb concept)" and blaming her.

[@michaelplunkett8059]

No effort at choosing a mutual activity? Cooking? Other hobbies? How about taking turns? Put the options in a hat and do a random drawing?

[@ohboy-zi1yf]

this is what happens when a not like the other girls girly girl grows up and has a daughter 💀

[@jellysquid8077]

@@ohboy-zi1yf "Why can't my daughter be quirky and unique in the exact same way as me!"

[@mywingsareyours]

Tbh I think she was just being defensive because she didn't see the daughter as trying to reach out but instead attacking her. They figured it out

[@speakevermore]

OP: i cant do anything because of my depression Sister: lets find you a therapist! OP: therapy doesnt work Sister: how about a psychiatrist? OP: i tried ONE medication once and i'll never go back Sister: i got you a job! OP: OMG YOURE SO ENTITLED, MY DEPRESSION IS WORSE THAN YOURS

[@MsMookalate]

Sadly it actually can be true. Well not lash out part. But the struggle of finding a good psychiatrist and the horrible medicine is a fact. Also, the struggle of a job makes things worse, if not treated.

[@shannonbullock2202]

When u have different hobbies u don't force yourself to participate in each other's. U find new or different things u can do together like movies, shopping, vacations, try new food or restaurants together etc etc. Experiencing new things together is the BEST way to form a strong bond with lasting memories.

[@Snipergoat1]

I doubt many 19 y/o girls are into home improvement and repair either. It the time spent that she needs, the activites are only secondary.

[@lisawhereisthecultjam]

100%

[@somerandoonyt9553]

I find it interesting that half of the comments are calling them an AH and that, as a mother, OP should be taking an interest in the daughters interests. Did they skip the whole section where OP tried her daughters interests? I'd love to see the story as it would be posted 5 to 7 years ago. "I try connecting with my daughter, exposing her to my interests, and to learn about hers. She has no interest in my interests, and I have a hard time understanding and getting into hers. Tried to find common ground, and there seems to not be." Commenters would be like, she obviously doesn't want that bond, stop trying to force a bond when one clearly isn't wanted. Reddit also constantly tells parents to treat and talk to their adult children as adults, OP does, and they get crucified for it. At the daughters age, she too should have been trying to take an interest in their mother's interests to create a bond, this isn't 100% on OP.

[@paulinadeboer3604]

I have two Girls, the youngest is like me, a nerd. The oldest is a populair Girls, girl. I have the same close relation with both of them even if i don't have the same hobby's my youngest slim the oldest likes horseback riding. I can't do both because of my artritis but i listen when they tell about their hobby's. I go to every Milestone in their hobby's. That is importent.

[@draconicfeline6177]

@@paulinadeboer3604 If OP does this, then OP is doing PLENTY.

[@mothertrucker936]

S2: NTA. First your dads wife can kick rocks. Where does she get off saying you’re ungrateful- she’s some piece of crap and has no business criticizing you after her own track record. Some relationships are best cut completely. Feel sorry that you’re stuck living with these two who neglected you for each other and their shiny new family and suddenly need you to be happy because they say so. Best wishes for a happy and successful life filled with the love of family of your choosing.

[@cheallaigh]

i find the "colonized" comment so ironic with the ethnic chinese roommates, when it's clear she has no real clue about the possible culture of her roommates. like writing their, while alive, names on basically death prayers? like come on...

[@Grouchbox]

She is literally scolding Chinese people for not fitting into stereotypes. Very racist behavior.

[@cheallaigh]

@@Grouchbox exactly.

[@stockmk]

@@Grouchbox Its not racist its more of ignorance. Please stop calling everything racist, she had good intent but didn't think it through

[@Grouchbox]

@@stockmk People are allowed to post opinions you don’t agree with.

[@stockmk]

@@Grouchbox racism means to think your race is superior to another race by dictionary definition it seems lately everyone is so quick to call everything racist yes she was the asshole in that situation though

[@annewilliams5527]

Being a Scot, I had to giggle at the thought of somebody giving me haggis and playing bagpipes, they’d probably be stuffed up the donor’s nose!

[@ladyv5655]

As an American of mostly Scottish ancestry, I would shove them all into a different orifice that is not the nose.😮

[@Doublemonk0506]

Story about the little girl and dog: NTA. Dogs are animals with protective instincts. They will try to protect themselves. OP did everything in the right and they could have never apologized. The apology would never be happen because a forced apology is not a true apology and, of course, you also have the option to not apologize

[@chinamonkee1478]

when my daughter talks about something that i know nothing about ,i tell her to teach me all about it,and joke around instead of telling her that its boring sh=t.We are a family with several of us having HFA and my middle child who is a teenage boy ,has been car obsessed ever since he was fresh out of the womb,and he has been known to give me 3 x 3hour lectures via skype,all about cars,I know nothing about cars,couldnt care less about cars,but I enjoy that kids enthusiastic lectures,and I do sometimes need to say thank you,my head is spinning now,it was very fascinating but we need to continue the topic another time.I dont understand mothers who are all me me me ,and never give room for the kid to be recieved as them or express themself.

[@Sarah-yj6lf]

I was going to say YTAH until I heard the follow up. Good on the mom for turning around and making an effort to encourage her daughter's interests!

[@D-me-dream-smp]

Exactly- you can show interest in a loved one’s interest without having the same interests. You can talk about what they find enjoyable about it, their plans or ideas etc. it’s about your mindset and outlook- it’s like being happy to see your loved one happy.

[@michaelplunkett8059]

So try a new activity together. Crafts? Cook together What? What college course is she taking that you might be interested in? Go to the zoo and see what you talk about as you walk around looking at the animals.

[@dream6562]

@@michaelplunkett8059 exactly the daughter should try to take interest in her hobbies as well

[@mothertrucker936]

Daughter college: I’m a huge believer in fairness with your children. Both should have access to the same amount but I agree that she should try community college first. It’s an enormous amount of money just for “the experience” especially since she’s never made efforts in her studies. She may want to stay in that community college or choose to do a GED if the money saved is hers to start a business or put a down payment on a house afterwards. It would be an incentive for her to start being serious about her future

[@TheNormExperience]

I feel like the money is a red herring here that even I got stuck on because with the fine print of OP’s offer is that if the daughter can maintain a good grade average she’ll actually get a full 2 years of community college; and then 2 years of literally any other college she goes to paid for in FULL. In the end that’s probably going to be even with 25k, if not actually lots more. Plus no loans. So in a weird way if the daughter can do it she’ll get way more than the brother did. Till I realized that’s not what the issue here is - it’s OP making his children audition with unfair expectations creating favoritism and forcing their own control over a decision their child should be allowed the freedom to decide. It’s not that the daughter said she just wants to go party, but that OP perceives she isn’t being serious enough so she isn’t worth investing in. And if that were my dad? Yeah that would hurt. So I have to agree with you that the only way to really be fair is to keep everything equal and let the chips fall where they may. He got 25K so she should. If one of them can do all of college on that but another can’t? Well that’s the real world and the blame won’t rest on OP. The point of college and becoming an adult is letting them make these decisions for themselves and take responsibility for it. NOT for the parents to keep choosing for them.

[@mothertrucker936]

@@TheNormExperience although parents should not be choosing for their children they are well aware of their track record and entitled to decide how their money can and cannot be spent. Like I said, I believe in fairness however, there are expectations attached to this kind of money being released. There are way too many young adults that have spent their parents hard earned money on vacations, party time, brand name clothing etc. And then they have the nerve to ask for more cause, “it’s not fair that sibling is making a better living “. So, basically you allow for the same amount but explain the choices available to them. This money is not for frivolous wants. If she doesn’t agree, she’s welcome to take a loan at that point. OP has given her a fair choice. It’s up to daughter to grow up and take advantage of the opportunity.

[@teacheschem]

Reward for effort! If she had worked her behind off and gotten lower grades because she has a more challenging time then go ahead and split things evenly. But until she takes her work seriously…….

[@airtonevch]

It is funny that we hear usually stories like the big brother on how they put the effort during highschool to get into a good college, but the parents give the uninterested sibling the same or more help, and the community flag them as having a golden child or not been supportive enought.

[@D-me-dream-smp]

I’m always amazed when you hear about parents having all these rationales for making decisions about how they will pay for their children’s college but don’t appear to have any discussions with their children early on regarding expectations rather give post hoc rationalisations. The daughter probably thought since the parents were covering the sons schooling they would offer an equivalent for her. I think she deserves the opportunity to go to college perhaps with conditions about their expectations.

[@sadlystuckinreality]

As a girl, I've always been closer to my dad. We've always had an incredibly close bond due to our shared interests. My mom and I aren't interested in the same things and are complete opposites. Despite that, we've still been able to form our own sort of bond. It's not based on similar interests like my bond with my dad but that doesn't mean it's any less important. My mom and I have even spoken about that we don't have as much to talk about because we're not into the same things. But that doesn't mean we love each other any less. The mom in the post should've gone about this in another way.

[@Sorchia56]

Our oldest started at Uni and it was a nightmare! We pulled her out the first week into her third yr. She was not handling it well at all, mentally, but felt she had to go to Uni. We explained there are rules regarding education, she can take a gap year, go to Community College, whatever SHE FEELS COMFORTABLE WITH! She moved back home and worked full time for a year and a half before finding a roommate and moving out. She figured it out on her own with our complete support. She’s so much healthier physically and mentally. We’re so proud of her!

[@wendycoulter9122]

I have 4 daughters, and am a total tomoboy :P I have managed to share bonding time with all of them, including the girly girls. They are adults and I can still discuss their interests with them... that mom isn't even trying..

[@D-me-dream-smp]

Exactly- if you love someone you can show interest in what makes them happy even if you aren’t familiar with it - you can talk about their plans, what they like about it, events they are excited about. That’s how relationships work.

[@MsMookalate]

Me too I’m a tomboy my baby girl is born a girly girl. I’m trying to become one or like something similar just in case when she gets older it can be our thing. I only forced myself to do this is because I love her so much. The fact that I actually can’t stand girly girl thing and it makes my want to puke until she came along made me realize my level of love for her. Even with the hell of the pregnancy and terrible baby blues. I still seem to bow down to my princess even though I’m the same was with my prince (her older brother, which I’m a way we more similar to but he’s a mix of both their dad and I personality) my princess rules over us all in her own special way 💜🥰

[@D-me-dream-smp]

The college story - it always amazes me how often families don’t appear to discuss their plans regarding college, financial support and expectations way BEFORE graduation time. Many disputes seem to be around each party have totally different expectations and ideas. I’m baffled by why so many people a) feel entitled to a lavish wedding b) expect their parents (or others) to foot the bill entirely - like YOU decided to get married then YOU are responsible for working out how to finance it c) tbh I personally don’t understand spending HUGE amounts on a single day - more expensive doesn’t mean more meaningful. There is a massive difference between making something special and being ridiculously extravagant, especially if it causes financial hardship. The twin story is one situation where you can honestly say “they are totally in love with themselves”.

[@Deemetal123]

I'm 68 and I wouldn't want a baby in my room...and I wouldn't give up my room...I have personal things and valuables in my room..neighbors have 3 children they are going to get in everything...I would also question why we have service and they don't...theirs could be a non-payment situation..something does not seem right...

[@katieb.1184]

my neighborhood has either 3 or 5 power grids depending on if you want to count backyard neighbors. we definitely have storms where it's like a patchwork of power. We're on the same grid as 4 other houses, our one neighbor is on a different one, and directly across the street is another power grid. we also have two different towns on our street (we have 34 houses on our block- it's about a quarter mile long)... and with the appalling conditions in Texas that winter, even if the other family were complete fuck-ups, I wouldn't leave a baby without power and thus without heat. I do agree, I wouldn't want to give up my space BUT we also have a couple spaces in our house where a whole family of 5 could camp out without intruding, so I'm not sure it's the same situation at all for me.

[@donniejefferson9554]

Honestly, with the roommate trying to be woke by doing stereotypical Chinese stuff, I kind of felt bad for them for most of the story. A fair bit of it seemed like they could've been horribly uniformed but trying to be nice. Then they called op "colonized" and it was pretty clear that they got so woke that they wrapped around to bring racist. My sympathy is gone just like that.

[@SolidifiedHoney]

I know somebody who was an A honor roll student all through middle school and high school, she would get in trouble for anything lower than an A. Her mom was a crazy perfectionist. As soon as she got to college, she basically rebelled, and said screw you, mom.

[@SCUBASUEReynard]

I don’t think she wants to “ do things” I think she wants to talk about things she wants to talk about with a woman all the mom needs to do is really hear what is is she is saying.

[@buckfisherGBY]

I thought the daughter, in the college money story, had straight C's. You would not qualify for most colleges with such low grades. With that kind of school history, she is not likely to be able to even get into, let alone do well, in a top notch college. She needs to bring her marks up in an easier setting. If she does well, she will be more likely to get into a better college. If she does really well, she may qualify for a grant, to help her out.

[@Benjaminjames7]

Yh, so the fact that she got in proves that OPs full of sh1t

[@LexTime89]

She didn’t get into a top notch school. She probably got accepted into a state school, which are a dime a dozen. 20k is pretty low tuition for a university. There are plenty of state universities that are open enrollment, because you have to pay tuition regardless of whether you fail or not.

[@winniethepoohandeeyore2]

Exactly! Son graduated Valedictorian. She however has straight C's. I think Op is full of it here.

[@Gabitronia]

@@Benjaminjames7 I missed the fact she got into any school. I just remember that she hadn't picked a school.

[@iamhungey12345]

Yeah this is pretty off when it comes to the OP's story.

[@bluejaywoman3421]

I'm a mom of a girl that loves all animals. Cats, dogs, snakes, birds, you name it. She has even pet a rescued wolf-dog. From the time she could walk and talk I taught her to first talk to the animal's human and ask if she can pet the dog (or in one case snake). As the mum never taught the kid this, maybe say sorry my dog scared you, but you scared my dog and she barked, you should always ask a dog's human first. And just today, it took my kid 3 minutes longer than usual to walk home. She was admiring all the doggos at the park that is between school and home.

[@Joe-mz7ks]

You got the second story wrong imo. The son has put the work in to show that the money is an investment into an education they have proven they will value where as the sister hasn’t so therefore it isn’t unfair to make a safer financial investment for the first couple of years so she can prove her work ethic too

[@animemagic]

Also, the curriculum in a community college would be very similar if not the same as an unranked college at least for the first few years. The most she would be missing out on would probably be the party scene and more classmates for those years which would help if she struggles with school.

[@aviolet3981]

Absolutely, it doesn’t teach reality but promotes entitlement and dependence. They won’t get jobs based on fairness but on merit. No point wasting money when her current path is such that she will depend financially upon them indefinitely - the brother is aimed toward financial and personal independence which makes it a good investment for the parents! Community college gives her a chance to gain the independence she lacks and potentially become a worthy investment I.e. support her now so she can support herself when she finishes studies.

[@Grouchbox]

@@animemagic Exactly! She clearly isn’t mature enough for university at this point. The community college is her chance to get into better study habits for university.

[@rhiannonmckinstry6697]

Parents should ALWAYS talk with their children on how to approach animals, whether they think it likely or not. You see a dog sitting in the street that looks approachable, you don't just let your kid loose, you tell your kid that you will all go and ask the owner of the dog whether it is okay to pat the dog (and let them know it's okay to say no).

[@c.d.4319]

The college story: I don't agree. OP is saying that their son has worked his butt off and EARNED the extra support, while their daughter has only messed around. They also stated that she could earn more if she worked hard, that isn't favoritism, that's parenting! The baby story: A lot of assumptions are being made over missing information and honestly, I would have taken the crying baby out of it's bed and taken it to it's parents. I'm not a fan of kids/babies and somewhat sympathize.

[@kateworkman921]

Except if the son's career prospects are so much better because of the school he attend, then why should the parents pay more? By their logic, he'll get a terrific job thanks to that school. Well, that job can pay for his student loans. The daughter, though, if she doesn't have as good a career jump off, why would they want to saddle her with more debt if she does choose the four year school?

[@sherylmassie9502]

A lot of the college comments are super off. Community college is fine and you can get a chance to stand out.

[@trparnell87]

Roommate: she's just mad she doesn't get to flaunt how "good of an ally" she is on social media. Like those people who post selfies while doing humanitarian work. 'Look at me! Look how good of a person I am.'

[@marystarr3025]

Baby in the room, OP, NTA. That baby is NOT the OP's responsibility. Dog who scared 4 year old. OP, NTA NTA NTA. Little girl 's mom is. It is NOT impossible to teach a child that age , 1) ask the two legger if OK to pet the doggie. 2) Do NOT run up to strange animals. and 3) 4 legs outruns 2.

[@beatrixthegreat1138]

My mom isn’t really into a lot of the same things I am, we still had 3 hour conversations on the phone for years. Sorry lady but YTA.

[@kirtemoon529]

This episode has been fucking *wild* between the twins in a relationship and “Cheat on your Girlfriend Night” omg

[@dawnsharp8524]

Baby in room: NTA! If parents can't hear the baby in the bathroom, they can't hear it in OP's room. OP is NOT responsible for the baby. Parents can sleep where baby is, no matter how uncomfortable for parents. I would NEVER sleep in same room with a baby without serious compensation. I do NOT do babies.

[@DemelicosHelsaint]

Exactly. I'd bet that every single one of those people calling her an asshole would act completely different if they were forced into that situation.

[@erinsayers]

It was a horrible week ina zone that simply doesn't get that kind of weather most had no power or water and literally people freezing to death. He should have taken the couch and given mon dad and baby his room heck it was so so bad

[@carolinem.5044]

ESH for moving the baby without informing others and for ditching the baby in the sisters room. OP did the same thing as his mom.

[@carolinem.5044]

@@erinsayers Exactly, I'm child free and don't vibe with that either but I sure as hell would be taking the couch.

[@DemonicGoddess]

@@carolinem.5044 Nah the parents are POS's, OP is 24 the kid is only a few months old and needs to be with the parents and isnt related to OP. The mom is a POS, op isnt the AH.

[@blondie7740]

The guy who threw his girlfriend's gay friend out was absolutely in the right. If that has been a guy who had been doing that to a girl, it would have been sexual harassment. The same goes here, OP set boundaries, the gay friend crossed them. And his girlfriend should have backed him. She is an AH too.

[@ladyv5655]

I believe I heard and update on a different KZbin channel in which the OP did end up breaking up with the gf and she and her friends harassed him on social media for a while.

[@nancydubusky1296]

My daughter barely made it out of high school. I still sent her to college and she graduated with top honors with an elementary teaching degree. She was even awarded student teacher of the year. High school is no indication of how well a student will do. Her high school guidance counselor told us we were wasting our money sending her to college. They frequently give bad advice.

[@krystalfloods6197]

The daughter didn’t even put an effort in in high school, I don’t see why the parent should have to pay for her to go to a more expensive college. It makes sense that she goes to a community college and proves that she is going to finish and then they will pay for the rest. The brother worked hard for everything he got. She just coasted her way and expect them to pay for everything

[@teacheschem]

I agree!

[@alfr1]

Same here.

[@doritos4956]

I agree

[@smartcookie493]

This is so true it's like giving her a participation trophy when not participating. It is not favoritism when it is proven that the student in question has not shown the effort. He'll no if I would pay 20,000 a year u til she proves she can manage it. Community College is a good idea.

[@Gabitronia]

I'm glad you said something, because I didn't agree with Markees opinion. I wouldn't want to waste 20k on a school for my child who didn't apply herself at all. It seemed like she did the bare minimum, to get into the private school she wants, and that was it. She expected her parents to pay for it. They're also not paying for their sons full tuition. He also graduated as valedictorian. The best scores in the school. Maybe even in the top scores for the district. That's obvious dedication. This isn't a situation where "mommy & daddy favor, or love my brother more than me." It's about who worked hard to deserve, every hard earned penny spent on their college education. Why would anyone want to pay for an entitled childs, even if your own, private college education worth 20k minimum, if all she wants to do is be a party girl like you see on tv. That's usually the typical "college experience" mindset. So I agree. I don't believe the parents are the assholes. They're showing tough love, but also trying to compromise. The fact that she's getting bent out of shape over it, just shows me that she isn't really intending to apply herself there either. If she really was, then proving she's worth the money by maintaining the requested gpa, wouldn't be such a huge issue. You'd think she'd jump on that. I think it's pretty clear. Sorry for my little rant. I've just listened to a lot of these videos already today, and I just snapped here. Lmao The entitlement is real in this story. 😅🤣🤣

[@kathleenmcfarlane2555]

Hey if someone is 24 year old, you can't push a baby off on them. His mother should not have offered up his room.

[@earlinejackson8151]

The kid was running at the dog, screaming, the dog just screamed back!😂😂😂 Adding, maybe the woman should have had her child on a leash.

[@shammydammy2610]

"He's tried to make things right." Too little, too late. You made it clear at the beginning this was not going to be the start to a new relationship and that he was barking up the wrong tree thinking he could slide back into your life now.

[@JR-zi4bj]

RE:Responses[1:03:16-1:04:05] Um, 0P didn't WANT the child to be soothed; he wanted the child to stay upset, and scared. Not 'cause he's an a**hole, but because a little emotional distress will go a long way in helping her remember not to run up on a strange dog again. Same reason he shouldn't apologize; it was HER behavior that was unsafe. The mutual goal of all parties is to ensure that she never gets mauled, not coddle her emotions at the expense of safety.

[@MsMookalate]

Yes. Even though I’m pretty sure he isn’t saying he didn’t want baby girl to be soothed. It’s Justin not his priority or job to do so.

[@ogknightbro94]

Nursing school is a lot and then she thinks she’s entitled for a huge wedding she does need to get reasonable

[@little_lion_heart9850]

The college one, I feel like it is fair if the children are 'given' the same amount of money even if it is done differently. She can start at community college and they will pay full cost as long as her grades are decent. After her AA, proving she is dedicated they can match the amount of money the son is given for school and she can do loans/scholarships/grants for the rest. The son graduated valedictorian so he has 'proof' he is dedicated. I assume if he grades in college start to tank his parents will reconsider things. I started at community college and transferred to UF. It has saved me a ton of money and honestly I feel that as far as GE classes go the education at a community college is so much better.

[@Grouchbox]

This was my take. I got the vibe that OP felt that daughter was not ready for a university at present - hence the proposed plan for her to go to community college for two years then transfer.

[@andyshepherd700]

They should be open to paying her money on something that their children can show will have a return on their investment. One of my Aunt & Uncles paid a lot of money for their Eldest's College because they had done really well in school, they also paid a ton of money to purchase everything that was needed for one of his younger sisters to purchase her own Hair salon after she had gone to School for Hairstylists and established a good number of clients, both of them got a massive return on that investment with the older son having a great career in banking and the middle daughter having a thriving Hair Salon with multiple other stylists working for her. They have other children who they helped with down payments on homes but it was far less money and honestly I can see why. College is a waste of money if you are not going to get a degree in a discipline that has a proven track record of high pay and high employment (I know, my parents paid too much for my Psych degree that I don't use.) It also makes no sense to invest in a business without having the potential owner having shown a track record of hard work and at least some specialized knowledge specific to that business. They gave all of their kids some money but paid much more when there was going to be a clear return on investment. My parents sent us all to College and even pressured me into going to college which was a waste, I make a good living but it is completely unrelated to college, more of a right place right time opportunity.

[@Because-rt8qs]

It's not like she flunked out of highschool. What is there to prove? She already proved she didn't fail.

[@MeanGinia9607]

I have my mom's little dogs since she had a stroke. Both the girls are shy, and haven't been near small kids since before lockdown. While visiting my mom, I had a couple kids squeal and run towards us. I told them to stop and walk quietly towards us because that scares the dogs. The one little kid got down and started crawling. The dogs got so excited and played with the kids.

[@kimhohlmayer7018]

Loved the Ghost/pottery comment. I’m not a ghost but am a potter and also loved that movie. Gave me a great, out-loud laugh!

[@candiebarr6745]

There's nearly a 40 year age gap between my mom and I. She's and extrovert and I'm an introvert. We spend time together doing normal, every day chores together. We also go for picnics when the weather is nice. She likes cleaning up around the families Graves and I like cemeteries and it's normally a fairly pretty area with decent shady areas so going for picnics there works for both of us.

[@eponymoususer8923]

The school tuition story. NTA! University isn’t a right and neither is having your parents pay for it. They’re not denying an opportunity she’s entitled to. They’re matching their children’s investment in their educations with equal investment. They’re even willing to pay full tuition at a community college AND continue paying a 4 year college afterwards if she chooses to prioritize school. Daughter will have to learn there are long-term consequences for your choices in order to function in society. Capitulation only delays this lesson and exposes more people to her entitlement and immaturity. She wants help? She can earn it. Her brother did. Looks like this might be the time for some reality to snap her out of childhood.

[@Mew_Mokuba_Akari]

I disagree with "You should have apologised to the little girl. Thats what you should have done." No because the child had been frightened and he says soothing words to her and says things like "Its okay your fine. You just scared my dog." Then after OP's soothing words. The girl brightens up, then gets up and starts charging the dog again. Then the dog is scared if OP picked the dog up or got between them the waterworks would start again. Or OP risks his dog biting the kid.

[@katieb.1184]

right? as the mom I apologize when my kids are dumbasses. (I know, I know, toddlers don't always know better blah blah blah...) we have animals in my family and extended family, though... so they were taught young not to approach animals they do not know.

[@earlinejackson8151]

Op with nothing in common with her daughter, try going to yard sales! It’s something to do together and you can both find things for your own interests, have coffee in the morning, lunch when it’s time, and have fun talking about the bargains you got, even just what you saw.

[@retrostorm15]

In the second story, his Dads new wife really had the audavity to say "you really hurt your dad" like how the hell do you think he felt not having a dad for 17 years? I don't think that felt good by any means.

[@cass973]

2nd story you might be surprised when you leave.A full time job doesn't always cover rent. And you want to go to college too. Good luck to you! You don't have to forgive your dad but maybe don't burn that bridge completely down. I hope you have a great life on your terms

[@britvica]

That father burned that bridge and his sons's heart a long time ago. He didn't even reconnect while he was alone losing his mother due cancer, while she was on chemo. A human who lets his kid go through that alone is not human. And that bitch of stepmother can't play a good samaritan to all her friends. She is just a home wrecker. They made some bad karma because of that boy.

[@ettinakitten5047]

Story 1 - YTA. If you really care about your daughter, you can take an interest in her interests for her sake. Even if you have no clue how to do it, your daughter will appreciate spending time with you and explaining something she cares about to you.

[@williethomas6388]

Girlfriend if you’re constantly asking advice regarding your lackluster BF means that you know that you should dump the creep without a second thought,yep you can do bad by yourself.

[@co7314]

40 yr old mom seems to have stopped maturing at age 20, when she got pregnant with her now-19-yr-old daughter. I say this because she seems self-centered: only interested in finding common ground with her daughter with respect to superficial entertainment (spa days or book club)... and doesn't appear to care about her daughter otherwise. Mom should suggest doing some "adulting" activities together. Like, do a "budgeting 101" class together, or use youtube to practice changing a tire or cooking a meal. Start a "personal family history" project where you research your family tree or write down family memories. Have a mother-daughter "health hack hour" every week where you practice self exams for breast cancer, find a new dentist, learn 10 myths about sunscreen, take an online workout class, or go for a walk. These are all life skills that are needed by all women.

[@crimson1919]

The father in the college story is NTA. His daughter has shown no evidence that she will take the substantial investment seriously. If she is serious about it, she will get loans and do well in school. Dad will see it, recognize it and reward it. Otherwise, there is no rule stating that parents must throw money into the garbage can to be fair.

[@ttrev007]

The guy is right unless their is a specific program or at the four year that will give her a leg up a community college can be a much better option for the average student. It is a good place to start out and to see if college is even really what she wants to do.

[@walterbryant8806]

Am I the only 1 who heard the parent say earn good grades and we'll pay for anywhere she wants to go?

[@jamesdonaldson6505]

First off, the child that had the academics DESERVES to have his stuff paid for. I am not saying the daughter doesn't, but maybe do a trial run at a community college maintain a high GPA then I would back her going for her BA/BS.

[@winniethepoohandeeyore2]

The college Story: Son earned it, Daughter DID NOT

[@LilFeralGangrel]

except he didn't? like we only know it through the lens of an admittedly neglectful parent. did she slack off like OP implies or did she have a hard time because she's not academically inclined or has a learning disability? did their son really work hard for their grades or were they academically inclined? moreover she was never told that her parents would invest less because of her grades. so by definition he didn't "earn" it.

[@winniethepoohandeeyore2]

@@LilFeralGangrel He literally did earn it, He graduated Valedictorian, She had a C average all through high school. College is a whole new ballgame compared to highschool. Her C average will get her D- to F in college..Best thing she can do is go to Community college, actually PROVE herself under the conditions set forth THEN transfer to a university.

[@LilFeralGangrel]

@@winniethepoohandeeyore2 not big on the critical thinking department, huh? arguing by assertion is just annoying. grow up.

[@winniethepoohandeeyore2]

@@LilFeralGangrel Can't grasp that he earned being valedictorian, she however was a C average student huh? Not my problem my dude.

[@lkuhhdsfgasdgvdadfg]

The mom and daughter: not the ahole. She was hounest. You should ALWAYS be hounest. Its always the right thing to do. Period. And there issues are natural. He mom is a girl who likes girl stuff, while the daughter is more like a boy being into boy stuff. So sure, they have a different dynamic because they are vary different people. Nothing wrong with that. The daughter isnt wrong for being upset, you can never help how you feel, thats not something anyone should be poo-pooed for, but ultimately how she feels is her problem. Not her moms. Mom you did fine, the daughter needs to accept and deal.

[@anitatoman2032]

Story about paying more for my son’s tuition compared to my daughter’s tuition. Did they ever find out why she was doing terrible in high school. In my situation I went through high school with average grades some fails. Only to find out after school that I had a learning disability or it could be the school environment?

[@Hate_Me78]

The story with the kids in college, the OP makes total sense. Forking over a huge amount of money for your child that doesn’t even try hard sounds like a loss no one should chance. It isn’t favoritism, one child tried hard and earned it and the other didn’t and expects their parents to take a huge gamble on them.

[@bessevaraven859]

Not an asshole. The PARENT needs to have the baby in their room. Not with someone's else's room

[@best13999]

In the story about the wedding, I'm can not believe some if the comments. If you aren't willing to just marry someone at a court house without a wedding, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. My husband I never had a wedding, got married at the court house with random witnesses and went to work. We just had our 4 year anniversary. Marriage is about partnership. F weddings.

[@witchcraft2264]

Ah! You've posted just as I refreshed the page! Excellent!

[@gaywerewolf1294]

Story 1: NTA. the assholes are the ones who came yelling while knowing nothing about the situation. and the daughter wants a close bnd, not just a healthy one so talking about each other's day will not cut it. it's, imo, very hard to have a close bond with someone or to forge a close bond with someone when you don't even have a common interest(s) that opens up that pathway. and the daughter is a grown woman already, instead of expecting mommy dearest to fix it, she herself should bring it up with her and see if she wants to do it and, together, think of something they would both enjoy (or both should compromise) instead of letting mommy put in all the work and her just following along like the lost puppy she is. and the world is cruel, if she can't handle brutal honesty then idk what to say to that

[@D-me-dream-smp]

Nah daughter was trying to open up a dialogue about their relationship and mom just shut it down with a lame excuse that indicated she couldn’t be bothered making an effort to connect with her daughter. The daughter DIDN’T say the mother had to come up with activities for them. It’s the fact the mother didn’t think it was important to have a discussion that hurt the daughter.

[@AnHeC]

I agree. People are crazy. You can respect and love someone but not be enthusiastically close to them. If you don't share interests it's just lying. It's dishonest and will create resentment. It should be a teaching moment for the daughter. How about she tries to force herself to do what her mother likes? Let's see how she likes it. You've got to learn to live and let live. It's part of life. And family doesn't mean best friends. It means people who make you feel safe. That you can trust and rely on.

[@lilmissiamsodonehere_2399]

But the thing is there is. Sometimes opposite people can be the best of friends but it takes an important skill. Listening. It sounds like the mother doesn't want to listen to the daughter. They both need to work on those skills but the mother is the asshole for just shutting it down. This sort of situation will lead to OP being old and alone in a home, wondering why her daughter never visits anymore

[@asherscott3151]

About the incest one, who really cares? As long as they don't have a biological child, why does it matter? I also wonder if this rumor is just that, a rumor.

[@Fred100159]

Commenter who said they didn't think anyone was 100% straight. WRONG.

[@suehirsch6545]

Re OP telling Mom she was a bad Mom: NOT THE AH. I'd have said the same thing and added that she should look in the mirror and at all of her travel receipts.

[@Doublemonk0506]

Extremely depressed Op and Erin: Something else is going on. Why is OP so depressed to the point where it affects others? Erin also seems to be mentally healthier than OP, why is that? I feel it goes deeper, somewhere.

[@carterpitbull7366]

honestly I’m just pissed he told her “my depression is worse than you having schizophrenia bc your medicated properly” like wtf, depression will never be worse than her situation. she has a serious mental disorder that will not ever go away, his depression can be cured in he actually put effort into getting medicated and going to therapy.

[@MsMookalate]

Op is a male and Erin is a female. I hate to say this but it does give off that weird word called sexism

[@dawnsharp8524]

Woke roomie: find out roomie's ancedtry and decorate for her. She will probably be shocked.

[@MindYaBusiness24]

"She doesn't have anyone else" is VERY telling, in my opinion. It sounds like former MIL had some serious issues long before this point. She does not need to be in your house until she works on herself.

[@Ms777Lena]

"If your daugter is a bad student you should pay an expensive school to motivate her"What the hell 😮?!

[@antoinealez12]

Story 2: What people don't realize is that the daughter is getting the better end of the deal. Op is only paying for half of his son's tuition meaning 25k per year. By the fourth year, the son would have 100k in student loan debt. OP is willing to pay 2 years of community college and then whatever school she chooses given that she get a 3.5 or higher. Meaning by the time she graduates she will be debt free. SMH how do people not see this. OP may be displaying signs of favoritism but the kid he criticizing the most is one that is going to benefit the most. SO NTA on this one.

[@franl155]

Man wants nothing to do with his disabled granddaughter. Dotes on his grandson. Grandson and family are moving too far away to visit. Man suddenly remembers that he has a granddaughter and suddenly wants a relationship with her - but only because his preferred grandchild will be moving too far away, so he has to settle for second best and that only leaves the child he's totally ignored for three years. And **OP** is being called the arsehole?

[@MsLady-gb3gy]

Find new activities, indoor rock climbing, snow boarding, get toes done, learn how to do bathroom tile.

[@sandyberger-r9j]

First story: the daughter is 19, not 9- she is allowed to vote, work, drive a car ect. She is an adult. So why is it that mom is solely responsible for finding activities to bond? I am in a similar situation and my kid (16) has little interest in anything besides playing games. I really tried to take an interest, too, but these games are boring and I simply suck at jump-and-run games, always have. So while I feel like bending over backwards, my offspring does - nothing! Doesn’t help with chores, cooking or agree to do outdoor activities. I am at a loss. I think both should put in some effort, not only parents.

[@kateworkman921]

To the story with the guy whose mom decided the baby was being set up in his room, and that's that - yeah, that can very much easily happen. My mom still, (and I'm 40,) tries to micromanage my life. A friend of mine recently had a birthday and since my dad works in the comic book industry, this friend has been interested in meeting him for years. So I finally decide to set that up, with a couple who's been a friend of my family for years and is also in the comics industry. When talking about the day, my mom was immediately saying "I'm gonna cook a big lasagna," and that *she* was going to make this kind of food, and do this, and this was going to happen, blah, blah, blah. I straight up cut her off and said, "Uh, no. That's *not* what's gonna happen. For one thing, my friend doesn't like lasagna. I'm not inviting him to a party *for him* where the food is something he won't want to eat." And so on. It's not always a matter of "growing up." It can quite often be a matter of having to deal with toxic parents who don't care about your feelings or opinions.

[@theb3654]

Have a long sit down conversation and find things you share interest in and bond over that.

[@andreawalker8343]

They might not have much and that’s OK. I zero things in common/to talk about with my mom. Some people are just different.

[@MrFishface99]

@@andreawalker8343 Zheng n

[@deannaworley9849]

Yah there's also alot of things that they could become interested in. Buried treasure, lost wrecks, gardening, volunteer work, there's so many things

[@californiapoppy983]

@@deannaworley9849 I’m sorry this was just the best comment to me. Cave diving, woven belts, latte art? There are so many thing...

[@pumpkintartable]

the gay friend is wildly inappropriate ... but I feel like we're not getting the whole story if everyone else thinks OP ruined the evening

[@DemelicosHelsaint]

Saying "I'm not gay" = Homophobic? Last time I checked calling someone gay who isn't gay as an insult was the bad thing to do. wtf? The neighbours staying over one. NTA. I don't care what the circumstances are. The one doing the favour should suffer the most, not hoist that flag to others. If the crib can comfortably fit in the sisters room as well, and the parents can obviously hear it to, then why is that not something that could happen? What is the sister giving up here? It sounds very much like some level of favoritism is in play. As for the main issue, when I was 24, I wouldn't have wanted someone elses child hoisted upon me either waking me up in the middle of the night. I'd bet 90% of the people calling her an asshole in this would act the same if they were placed in this situation. Hell, I doubt even one of them would appreciate having to do someone a forced favour. If they wouldn't mind, I'd love to hear how many homeless people they cram into their place every winter given the general simularity of the circumstances.I am sure you can find some homeless mothers that would love a free place to stay.

[@jaleesagreene6800]

Story one ESH from what I'm hearing the mom has made and effort to do the things that daughter like but the same effort isn't being given by the daughter. Mom shouldn't be the only one making the effort. However she could have been nicer I guess. Story 3 I'm sorry but I'm not dropping 20k on a C student who may or may not finish. Does she even have a major picked out. How were those SAT and ACT scores? Maybe if it had been a state school but she had the audacity to ask to go to a private college with a C average the nerve.

[@krystalfloods6197]

I agree, it doesn’t sound like the daughter ever made an effort and then complains. If she wanted to do more mother-daughter stuff she should’ve started doing mother-daughter stuff she knew her mom liked. And then talked to her mom about doing stuff she likes. The way she went about it makes her sound like a brat.

[@yonalove9073]

My mom found TV shows to watch with me and even though I don't live with her anymore we still get together to watch the new episode of our shows once a week.

[@CannibalChxrry]

My mom is a handyman and a girly girl. I'm a nerd and love videogames. We don't have anything in common yet we are close because I taught her to play a few games as a kid, and she taught me to fix things. It's about taking initiative and trying to work together. Mom could have asked about working on the furnaces, invited her to spa days, etc. It isn't about what you do together, it's about being together. The daughter wants to try and have a bond. Even a picnic, talking about college could be a way to break through and create that bond.

[@mzjones333]

Ditching Dad: so the only way or reason he chose to have a relationship with you is because your mom died? How is that not foul? And he didn't even apologize for the crappy relationship to this point. Wow!

[@troubleinthevalley5884]

I am 39 and I have a 4 year old daughter with down syndrome. I gave birth to her when I was 35. Yes, my age did have a big part to play in her down syndrome. Also the fact that I am white. My Asian doctor told me that it is more common for older women and parents of white and Asian descent for some reason to have a child with Down Syndrome. Honestly, it didn't even worry me or give me any second thoughts or make me feel like it was going to be harder in any way. Parenting is already hard and while I know that there is challenges that come along with having a disabled child I guess I just never looked at it that way. She ended up not actually being that severe though she does do physical therapy, occupational therapy, feeding therapy, and speech therapy and has done all those things for the last 4 years so it's definitely been a lot more work than a child without a disability would be. I guess I was kind of used to it as well because my oldest child who is now 18 is actually albino. They are my first and fourth child so I guess I've always been used to having a child with some sort of extra need or disability. But honestly all my children are the most amazing, kind, smart, beautiful, loving children and my Down Syndrome child is just so happy and just a very chill kid. She has also slept 12 hours a night since she was born, I actually had to wake her up myself and like make her stay awake to eat so she would get enough as a newborn so being able to sleep most of my night right away was like very nice lol. Also, my grandparents are totally in love with my daughter and are always bugging us to come visit them. I can't imagine a grandfather not loving his grandchild strictly because of that. I've always been a grandma and grandpa's girl and my kids have always been very special to my grandparents and I'm so grateful for that.

[@tarilwright9242]

To the lady with the little daughter whose grandfather refused to recognise. Please note who approached her. The grandmother not the grandfather. Does he REALLY want contact? Before I permit contact, I would insist he PERSONALLY apologized, and even then only with every second supervised--DO NOT TRUST HIM ALONE WITH HER. He may say things which could hurt her or physically injure her. Additionally, if the other grandchild comes back within his reach, will he start belittling your child or even disown her again? She deserves better. If he agrees to meet with you (prior to meeting your daughter) please state your conditions and concerns. Be blunt. You will have to make your decision based on his reaction. DO NOT COMPROMISE. YOUR DAUGHTER'S SAFETY , HEALTH AND FUTURE (not to mention happiness) depends on your decision. Don't pay attention to third party (I.e. relatives, social media comments) this is the future of your child and he has exhibited massive disregard and disdain for her, and is only now trying to establish contact (actually, is he? If it's only the grandmother who misses contact, apparently she cannot protect your child if he decides to get aggressive). Please do not make any portion of her future dependent on him. Downs syndrome people are some of the most generous and loving people whom I have ever met. You can't prevent her from being hurt by the world , but you may be able to give her the confidence to deal with the petty griefs of daily life

[@dmikewilcox]

Woke Girlfriend: OP should start buying random stereotypical European crap to give her: French berets and baguettes, a full English tea service, the ingredients for bangers and mash and decorate for October Fest, including buying her a 'beer wench' dress and lederhosen for her boyfriend. If she protests, tell her she should have helped and that she was becoming to Americanized/Canadianized/or what have you. On Star Trek TOS they wanted George Takai to do an episode weilding a katana. George didn't like the stereotyping and insisted on a fencing foul. I learned this shortly before reading a ST novel with Sulu spending a lot of time using a katana. I guess in the extended universe the hack writes were free to stereotype the shit out of him.

[@jmarie9997]

OP1, YTA. I noticed OP'S idea of 'female bonding' was doing 'girly' things that SHE (OP) likes.

[@beegee1960]

I think the flatmate is more ignorant than malicious.

[@michaelplunkett8059]

But she won't stop and leave it alone.

[@seleneledezma3543]

Daughter wants to go to college to party, sleep around and post pictures. Son has been working toward a goal and deserves to be compensated with money for college. If kids want the same treatment then they should behave and get the same grades 🤷‍♀️

[@raz7573]

Baby in the room. NTA. The mom unilaterally lets a family move in for an indefinite amount of time and then parks the crib in OP’s room? The crib should go where the parents are.

[@Kati_P]

My younger sister got a solid C average in high school. School came harder for her, and she did more than her fair share of partying, which didn't help with her grades. Now she has her Masters in nursing, and over $100,000 dollars in student loan debt. She started off going for law, but when she became a paralegal she decided that it wasn't the right career path for her, and switched to nursing. How someone performs in high school isn't necessarily an indicator of how they will perform in a college/university setting. Many high schools maintain such a strict level of control on things they shouldn't while turning a blind eye to many things that they should, and it's not always an environment that's conducive to helping everyone reach their full potential. I've known several people besides my sister who absolutely hated high school and didn't do well there at all but totally thrived in a college environment. OP is absolutely favoring her son, and while I could see setting performance conditions on the daughter's first year of school, telling her the equivalent of "to your father and me, your schooling is only worth 1/4 of your brother's" is one of the fastest way I can think of to get daughter to go no contact with them after graduating high school. OP is the ahole, imo.

[@jaleesagreene6800]

That's great for your friend but if she drops out they're not getting that money back she can prove her worth by going to community college and then transferring over and if she transfers over with a high enough GPA the college she wants to go to may pay for her

[@hvymax]

Son earned the opportunity to attend a top drawer school. Daughter is getting the opportunity she earned.

[@micahfoley9572]

I think one of the few things that can change bigoted views overnight is a child. I'd tell everyone that grandpa can see the kid IF he makes it clear that he understands what he did and why it was disgusting. If you can actually change this man you've done a good thing for everyone. Just make it clear what you need to even begin reconciliation, and then stop thinking about it. Anyone who's seen that picture of the former klansman happily playing with his black granddaughter knows what I'm talking About. Kids have some magic powers.

[@lina9535]

My mom, who has pretty much never played games before, not mobile games, was fine with me introducing her to not only Bobble Bozzle when I was young, but did try her best to play Rainbow Six Vegas with me. She'd never played a shooter before, so I pretty much tossed her into the deep end regarding what games I could have picked. She didn't complain, even when she struggled a bit.

[@amberleeannalee1999]

My daughter went to a community college FIRST as I do and my mom did. It makes 💯 more sense. Saving money is kind of important and a public high school to a 4 year is HELLish. Community college is a great step up.

[@eponymoususer8923]

The entitled grandpa story: the only consideration is the daughter’s best interests. This is not about Grandpa. He’s shown that he’s thought it was best that he not be a participant. It’s working out well for the child. There’s no reason to change the life of this psychologically vulnerable child. Exposing her to a self-centered, immature caregiver would be unwise.

[@katyagrad3704]

She is the AH....She's the daughter, not a friend you need to have common interests with

[@whitneyr.846]

Brutal honesty is an excuse for lacking empathy for the other person. You can be honest without being a jerk