Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: Indifference

[@DarrenFMagee]

Transcript from the video available on SubStack open.substack.com/pub/darrenfmagee/p/recovery-from-narcissistic-abuse?r=3e75m3&showWelcomeOnShare=true

[@ricardajames5769]

You just decide not to give your energy to them. Thank you very much. ❤

[@bs667]

Yes, please cover this topic more. Becoming indifferent to toxic people and finding internal peace is the goal. Sometimes too many things happen and I find myself fighting back. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint

[@natlions]

I used to work in a highly toxic environment where 'your circus, your monkeys' was my everyday mantra. This attitude it actually shifted my perception in such way that toxic people or circumstances have little effect on me these days. Thank you for your valuable information, Dr. Magee! 🙏

[@LTNyota]

If you react when they poke you and start to go grey rock. Watch their reaction. The are so befuddled because they were waiting to feed off your reactivity and when they don't get anything to feed from it leaves them in a strange place.

[@GuitarMatt]

It is HILARIOUS when you can smell the steam of their WACKO anger when grey-rock is in the house

[@imnoel8214]

Thank you Darren! Yes to more about indifference in the context of narcissistic abuse recovery.

[@MT-tx7bu]

I like that you mention that, even still, their behavior is still hurtful. The narrative they spin is not honest. The more time you spend paying attention to their spin on the narrative the more you realize that it's a weak form of trying to keep themselves above you and whatever problem they've created. It becomes pathetic. They don't see it that way because their whole focus is on their narrative and not based on reality. If they can make you the problem, they have a reason not to take responsibility. Indifference means that you see that in them and that you're not going to take the false bait anymore.

[@edenalicerosebelovedchildo5958]

“If they can make you the problem, they have a reason not to take responsibility.” Thanks for sharing. That statement brings a lot of clarity about why the person I know takes on no responsibility but only criticizes my actions as i engage with the rest of my family.

[@tiffinid8961]

I have been able to apply indifference toward my parents and brother for the past several years, and it has been life-changing. My late husband taught me so much about how to apply it, and I truly try to apply his wisdom. My life is so much more peaceful now. Thank you, Leland - RIP.

[@hmmcinerney]

❤😊

[@SusanL-ds6lc]

Indifference with toxic people is the goal. Peace within. I don't go gray rock with people. Why should I pretend to be boring for their sake? Nope. I much prefer not being affected by them anymore :) It wasn't easy to get here, but it's the greatest in the end.

[@juliaannegrider5734]

It's extremely hard when it's a family member you must live with. When they poke you like a bear. Attack you.

[@eurokay4755]

My situation, too. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm experiencing many more days of never even thinking about my family members' experiences and opinions. The first few times you are able to respond without getting drawn in (which is their only goal) don't be surprised at their rotating menu of options. In my case, I got overt huffiness and hostility ("Well, I know you don't care but . . ." or "You're just so self-absorbed") When you're able to resist discussing these comments, they move on to either extreme praise and syrupy compliments or sob stories involving situations you know exactly how to fix. These were surprising to me, and I bit that hook a couple of times, only to realize that all of it - the poking, praising, and "poor me" are all just different "fish hooks" designed to snag the big mouth bass they need to be. I try to make a game out of saying as few words as possible in any interaction with them. "Oh" "Hmmm" "Wow" and "No, thanks!" are my go-to responses. Mix them up and end with a glance at your phone and say "Ooh - gotta run!" Even it's just to the bathroom or to make a call. After a few of these interactions, they lose interest in the game, which is all it ever was to begin with. It's not personal, never was, because you aren't a person to them. Painful, when it's your mother and sibling paired up to use you, true. But once they confirm this is their view of you via the shenanigans cycle described above, it's a lot easier to resolve to keep yourself to yourself when with them.

[@L5biszz]

it comes with time and practice, Just be mindful about it. gl

[@PaddyDoesasia-bj3bb]

But it 100% works

[@Seliz463]

I found it doesn’t really fully work until you can get physically away from them and have a safe, comfortable, inviolable home space of your own

[@sarahwilliams2297]

I think if (polite) indifference is coming from self compassion, we can see it as a healing milestone, especially for scapegoat truthtellers. Ive found the recognition that i and my daughter, now recognized what other people's harmful behavior truly meant and didnt react to it (no explanation, no emotional rise or hurt). We just respond with a polite verbal + energetic cut off was an indication of how far we've come on the healing journey. My 12 yr daughters understanding and implementation of self compassion and her recognition/understanding of their projection/manipulation is incredible, she can still get upset at times- but now her bounce back is much faster, especially with our sense of humour. We can finally see and live quotes like Maya Angelo's 'when people show you who they really are, believe them' and 'let them be wrong about you' etc etc theres so many helpful quotes. If indifference means that your finally able to for the most part, not absorb and carry other people's toxic behaviors/ abuse, its something to be very proud of, after a massive amount of learning and healing 😊. Of course it still never ceases to amaze us the sheer quantity of narcissistic types are in jobs that they can abuse the power differential to exploit and harm, its a plague.

[@leerichards7016]

"Not my circus,not my clowns" was my ex narcs favorite quote.

[@Anivasion]

I finally FEEL the words of THIS video, after finding so much of myself within the catalog of narcissistic abuse topics, you've discussed previously. It feels good to cry joyful tears of relief from the side of indifference. I gratefully appreciate your insights and I've learned so much from your videos. Thank you for sharing what you've come to understand, the context you have given sheds light on SO much that abusive people desperately hide.

[@StevenDoyleLuke]

Love the 'Recovery' strategy info!

[@ac27934]

I'm conflicted as to whether my indifference is a healthy response to abusive behavior, or whether I've just allowed their indifference toward me to be contagious.

[@bereal6590]

Did you, I like that. We need to be able to handle these situations that don't drag us down ✌

[@edenalicerosebelovedchildo5958]

5:40 - They are what they are. The way they treated you was painful but they would have treated anyone like that. It’s who they are.

[@sharonramsay6144]

Thank you, Darren. Love this perspective and the power of indifference after a 12-year friendship. 🇦🇺

[@kathy3971]

So well said. Regaining a new sense of self, confidence and a greater appreciation of ourselves. Thank you☀️

[@yamlwoz]

Definitely more on this topic please. I'm so close to being indifferent to my covert narc mother. Only realised recently that I've been grey rocking her for quite some time, and truly don't care what she thinks. It's amazing. Now to train my caring husband to treat her the same. It's so good he finally sees her for what she is though ❤

[@cherylsavage6178]

I cannot say how much this helps people understand what they have been through and how to navigate the rocks

[@tims9434]

Thanks again Darren. I think you explain things eloquently

[@cstran3]

Thanks Mr Mcgee. Perfect message and perfect timing.

[@jacquismith3277]

For me too. Thank you.

[@winter-qd4yw]

Very well put and very accurate. It was once described to me as the “pinnacle” for the survivor to strive for in these type of relationships. However, it is true that it is a process, and not an easy nor a short one. It is hard to become indifferent to someone you cared deeply about. But as you pointed out it becomes, for us, accepting the truth fully that they don’t feel the same. Thank you

[@mloustalot1]

I've found part of the journey is experiencing grief about what you thought your relationship could have been, but isn't, especially when it's someone you must interact with in your day to day life. I tend to think of that person as disabled in some way, needing my care, but unable to hurt me.

[@lastthingsministry]

I had to grieve my sister. She is covert. We are fairly estranged. I try to show her love and kindness but I get nothing back. I have other people in my life and a close relationship with Jesus that gives me all the love I need. I don't go to her for love as she cannot give. I can give her love without getting it back but it has been hard. For some reason this relationship hurts the most because she promised a lot but never kept any of her promises. It is the level of disappointment I feel. It is like the feeling of a death or divorce only from a sister. It has been very hard to grieve someone alive but it was grieving the relationship I thought I had which never existed. I don't believe in her or the relationship anymore. Instead I have had to have a new one with her which involves me treating her with the same Christian love I give everyone. It hurts more with her as it is only recent that I found out the truth. I know in time I will heal and adapt but will never see her the same way again.

[@psychicconsultant453]

Another concept well described with balance. I for one would love to hear you talk more about it in greater depth

[@anothercat9600]

Very important stoic feature, since narcissists are every 6th person, roughly. We meet them every day, statistically.

[@jaynepainter9743]

I have this problem with a neighbor she is exceptionally abusive and a true narcissist, I must practice being indifferent to her as she feeds off response. Thank you 🙏

[@cyndigooch1162]

@jaynepainter9743 I can relate to your stressful situation because I've had huge issues in regard to neighbours, including an extremely dangerous man, for many years at various places. I FINALLY learnt to avoid most of the women in the complex where I'm living now though. I've even resorted to staying up all night, then sleeping during the day, in order to not see anyone! Of course, they've been criticising me for doing so, but my life is none of their damn business and I'd move tomorrow, IF I was able to. 🙁

[@lastthingsministry]

Busy yourself with other things and other people and you will find her to have less and less importance in your mind and thoughts. Sometimes these people can dominate every waking hour. I feel at peace when I ensure that no one person dominates my thinking, my heart. When I find myself doing this then I am making them a type of idol which I worship or fear. I then switch to thinking and focusing on my love and faith in Jesus Christ and then that fear and preoccupation with that person fades away completely and I feel freed from them. Its not that they are insignificant but just as significant as anyone else. I try not to let anyone live rent free in my head. I keep my mind on God and then I feel peace. It is never good to have one person dominating your thoughts.

[@almamoore2802]

I am there. Thank you.

[@Dolphin369]

For me the early stages was becoming aware of how my nervous system got dysregulated and hijacked around the narc. Being present with myself and how I was feeling as much as possible. It’s not dissimilar to the narcissist that uses other people (supply) to regulate themselves. I was allowing the narcissist to regulate and control my system. Taking that power back, learning to regulate my own system through mindfulness, self-care, etc. getting to know my own baseline energy very well. I minimise contact or no contact with people depending on how much it disturbs my balance and peace. With some I am much more prone to dysregulation because of certain dynamics and my own trauma etc. so it’s just a case by case basis if a relationship is healthy for me or not. Now I would be very mindful if I am spiking extreme positive feelings with someone very early on. It is not sustainable, nor a natural state of presence and peace. It would be like a pendulum, what would the opposite of this feeling (eg love bombing) be like? Because if extreme highs are present, it’s only natural law that extreme lows will follow for balance.

[@sallyb4871]

Yes please- would love to hear more about this topic, and perhaps the path to get there (other than time).

[@lastthingsministry]

I can tell you how I personally get there. I am a Christian so I focus on Jesus Christ. He is number one in my life. Whenever Jesus is number one, I feel at peace and whole and am able to show love to everyone equally. The problem with narcissists is they refuse to be just like everyone else. They demand superiority and preferential treatment. When they are in our lives they tend to dominate our thinking so we don't have the time or energy for anything or anyone else. Whenever I focus on one person above everything else, I feel miserable but when I focus on Jesus again I feel happy and calm. These people want to be gods in our lives but they are merely idols. They have feet of clay and they die like everyone else. Having the right perspective really helps. We give them way too much importance. They are not that important but at the same time they are not worthless. It is seeing them as just like anyone else. They do not deserve worship but we shouldn't hate them either. We should see them as just another human being and all human beings deserve basic respect and decency. We can be decent to them even if they are hateful to us. We don't have to play their dysfunctional game. We can rise above it and live in reality. They live in a world full of illusion and mirrors. We don't have to live in 'their world'.

[@fidelmashelton9491]

Thank you Darren for your great advice, when dealing with narcissistic individuals, as they are so toxic.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you for excellent observations and brilliant advice Darren 😊 I couldn’t agree more.

[@xsilentg]

Yes, more please 🌻

[@johnmills34YT]

This is one of your best videos, gave me a lot of clarity about the narc in my life. Thank you!

[@marymoya9791]

Yes, Dr McGee, please give more information about indifference. It is extremely necessary for people involved with narcissists. Especially how to strike a balance between having a normal life and living with a narcissist. Thank you

[@DarrenFMagee]

I did a livestream on it, hope you find something helpful in it

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

2:40 "We can't control other people." 😅 Exactly what narcissists are trying to do with all their crazy tactics... You made me laugh!🙃🙂

[@syr79021]

Thank you for your motivational video!

[@cyndigooch1162]

Thank you very much for another helpful video and I've definitely managed to reach the stage of indifference in regard to exes due to being used and abused, which one "kindly" admitted! Mind you, a few of them died many years ago and haven't seen the last couple for years either, so it's easier. I have NO desire to see them again though, which is indifference as well. It still doesn't feel right with other people, even though they've harmed me, but I'm working on it and might never get there with family members, especially my daughter, for valid reasons. 💙

[@jayTee-zp1jn]

Exactly right. You have to stop their bus and get off. Too confusing by far. Best thing is to carry on down your own road. Toxic people are really not our loss.

[@miriam100ful]

indifference to narcissists is good, just observing them and not reacting. You just watch and observe how their mood changes every single day, and it's usually to get some sort of reaction from you and attention.

[@CapitalisticEmu]

2 key concepts / realizations that can help people who are trying to heal from narcissistic abuse are : 1. Accepting that nothing you do will get them to suddenly see you, make you feel heard and love/value you for who you are. So there is no point trying to either demand emotional availability nor give or do other things like be perfect or perform. Nothing will get the narcissistic person to see you. Consider them blind. 2. Instead of focusing on them, it's important and useful to focus on how their behavior affected you. Put on your accountant hat and chase down and document how their actions made you feel (and feel it). Acknowledge it, if only to yourself or a trusted person. No, showing this accounting won't help them change. It will help you heal and move on. (1) Is an important precursor to being able to be truly indifferent. (2) Helps sustain the indifference over the long term.

[@Beanp2025]

Thank you for the wry humour, put a smile on my face, 😁 I needed that!

[@zion367]

Great topic!❤🎉

[@Shimmerin]

I'd love to hear more.

[@wassimtgt]

U such a good doctor thank you ❤ from Africa

[@crg4183]

Thanks for Talking To Us .................. 🎉

[@juliefreeman4993]

Excellent, thank you 😊

[@fashionforwarddd]

This is such a good explanation!! Thank you❤

[@jacquismith3277]

Thank you for this.

[@ItIsJustJudy]

Yes, more on this topic.

[@gigicooper1759]

Great message! Ty!

[@rfoley402]

Darren, thank you for your consistent help with these difficult relationships. I would like to know more about how to develop a healthy indifference with these people, my family is full of them.

[@AnonAnon1]

An excellent video, Darren. Yes, more on this topic please. P.S. you look rather tired in the video, have some rest.

[@robertc.6441]

Even though I have been estranged from my daughter for 5 years I have a very deep pain that continues to constantly linger because I was cut from all contact from my grandchildren after I was allowed to get close to them and love them when they were still adolescent. Any advice on how to deal with this? I do still love my daughter even though she subjected me to this severe abuse.

[@jaynepainter9743]

Thank you

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Indifference is the result and outcome of recovery. You wish the narcissist well but far away from me.

[@DennisNowland]

To me when you become indifferent to the narcissist, it means that you are no longer affected or llnterested in them and their. behaviours.

[@ozwaltreacts4709]

Please cover this more

[@pamelamoore6239]

How about when narcissistic family members are indifferent to you? They will never ask how you are or care about anything you do...and yes, they are quick to criticize and negate. It takes me a day to recover.

[@edenalicerosebelovedchildo5958]

This is confusing to me also. The narcissistic person i knew would “listen” when i talked about something that was bothering me (looking for support and connection) but would never actually respond with empathy, caring or support. It made me feel invisible and confused because of the no reaction (indifference) to my heartfelt attempt at connection.

[@isobelangeli2053]

Mine went on a smear it’s hurtful and his family are as vile as him

[@somewhereinthemidwest9827]

So in order to heal you must leave the narcissist..

[@cocoaocean]

Is reacting to mistreatment a sign of narcisstic personality? Thanks for your videos 😊😊

[@bronwyncozens2347]

What is the difference between caring about and caring for? My covert narcissistic ex partner said he cares for me. Not sure how to take that.

[@Sommerain]

Yet again another way to protect yourself from a narcissist that they turn around on you. You're the one who doesn't care. You're just worried about yourself. These will be the moments they share in sham depictions of opening up to people about your relationship. Which they never did before because it wouldn't have looked good. But now that you have your boundaries and you are indifferent now it's time to tell everyone just how much they're struggling because you won't work with them. This character assassination is done in public whenever someone will give them an ear. But it's also done as soon as you step out your front door. To your close groups. And the only way to defend yourself is to "gossip" the way you do. If that's not who you are the picture they have painted of you sticks. It's character assassination that has even people close to you starting to think you've gone off the rails and they are the ones trying.

[@michelle72911]

How do you recover when you have a small child with 50%custody as it is the case with my daugher and her ex narcissist husband? Please give advice

[@ShannonNunn-s6f]

How do you heal when they stroke you as well ..

[@jasonsilverberg3170]

Can you do a comparison between anhedonia and indifference? Not inclusive to sexual preferences

[@noveltycrusade]

Cool thumbnail

[@rfastkats924]

the narcissist that was in my life will moan and carry on about a bruise but totally ignore what a friend has to say about having their leg amputated, especially if they know the well is drying up with that flying monkey

[@katiec3768]

How is this possible when the narcissist is your child? You can't stop caring about or for them.

[@jocelynedge6037]

Recovering is a journey!!?? The last thing I need is another trip!!! SCREW 'EM. The narcissist is an adult adolescent, the picture of arrested development.

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

"recovering is a journey" just means it's going to take you more than five minutes after narcissistic abuse to feel normal, chill.

[@Poppy-yx8js]

Because online bullies don’t want me to talk about online bullying my home was robbed again. My vintage camera my dad gave me was stolen again, more clothes were stolen again, brand new hardware for my bookcase were stolen again, my art books were stolen again, my personal property was stolen -2 new light fixtures were stolen again-

[@Poppy-yx8js]

Please don’t support platforms who think these are excellent ways to get your way.

[@gypsy2007]

pls improve your sound

[@TheSmollocks]

please stop using a filter, its very distracting.

[@Mychannel67-wh4tc]

Some people make it very easy to become indifferent. You have to have a period of no contact, then you can’t bothered.