Today You Die (2005) - Steven Seagal - Comedic Movie Reviews

[@thea-team6439]

This Seagal series is fast becoming one of my favourite KZbin Black Holes…great work mate.

[@RedEyeReviews]

That is so kind of you! Thank you :)

[@phreak761]

Black...... Holes....?

[@Cubemusic]

Same here. It’s almost like a biography over this phenomenon called Segall.

[@devinthierault]

I've been a black hole for 30 - 35 years yall now what I mean?

[@docsnake]

Just fell into the same hole the other day, making my way through the Seagal movies to the light, lol.

[@jonathanwalker8730]

The GOING OUT OF BUSINESS sign nearly killed me.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Lol right?! Should have put some kids on a buy 1 get 1 sale

[@A-1-Sawce]

I choked on my dinner when the going out of business sign on the hospital popped up, that's absolutely freaking amazing! I definitely need to watch this one, looks like another masterpiece.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Lol I laughed way too hard at the children's hospital. One of my favorite moments in any Seagal movie

[@25ehn]

Best comment ever

[@ashtton_tapiwa]

I always read the comments before the video starts just so I know what to look up for. Having read this comment and knowing exactly what was coming it still blew mind. I laughed to hard I teared up. So good.

[@Dan-di9jd]

Did you end up watching it? The way the movie played it out seems like it was more like an orphanage than a hospital which while dumb makes slightly more sense. I always wondered wouldn't the parents just go to another hospital?

[@nonapplicable8817]

9:37 Fun fact. This is Randy Couture. I can guarantee you regardless of Seagal's Aikido Jazz-Hands, Couture would put his fist through Steven's big melon head. It's just so weird to watch movies where you recognize the actor is a professional MMA- fighter and Steven just bitch slaps them unconscious.

[@matthiasthulman4058]

I was just looking to see if anyone else noticed Randy. Karo Parisyan is in this too.

[@Bigedub101]

Exactly..

[@MrNeilAlbert]

Man that window stunt man killed me...I’m so glad I’m working through these 🤣

[@batman.darthmaul]

Chloe Grace Moretz and Randy Couture in a Steven Seagal movie. Now I've seen it all.

[@Riko478]

just dicovered your channel like a week ago and binge watch all of your steven seagal comedic review. i really love it keep it up man, see you in 1 mil subs

[@RedEyeReviews]

Aww thank you so much! So glad you are enjoying the channel.

[@YakAttack915]

The denied fist bump was absolutely the best

[@XavierAncarno]

13:13 I died… the f*cking CCTV on the trolley 🤣🤣🤣

[@RedEyeReviews]

The amount of times the "security camera" is just movie footage turned black and white lol. It's sooooo lazy

[@EAScotti]

Another I haven't but will see. You my friend are a true warrior, first for watching all the Seagal movies you've watched so far which are a lot, 👏 kudos to you. My biggest problem with watching his DTV movies is staying awake, I always eventually finish but rarely in one sitting. To be fair I've been like that with huge blockbuster movies as well. Then he does and says the most outlandish things. I give him credit he's done movies with a range of actors and actresses, and they are ranging from Oscar winners to obscure rapper/wrestler/athletes. But honestly he's like the Sharknado franchise you enjoy him for his absurdness not because it's really good. Keep it going love watching your growth 👍

[@RedEyeReviews]

Thank you so much friend! It hasn't been easy buy I'm like you. These movies give me great sleep haha. But despite his negatives and weaknesses, the casts in his movies are all over the place. Which gives us a melting pot of emotion for every movie. And it's amazing. Thank you so much friend for the kind words. It has been great to see the channel slowly grow. :)

[@kitbradley2689]

My soul died a little at the very idea of Steven Seagal kicking Randy Couture's ass... just a little dead inside, now. Thanks! :)

[@RedEyeReviews]

Lol. I'm sure Randy was like "Ehh....better pay me alot more to do this"

[@kitbradley2689]

@@RedEyeReviews Fun Steven Seagal and Randy Couture "fact!" In UFC 129, Lyoto Machida KO'd Randy Couture and knocked a tooth into the audience with a front crane kick, and Steven Seagal said that he taught that kick to the 3th degree Shotokan karate black belt Machida, who had only ever met Seagal that evening! In one brief meeting, Seagal managed to teach a karate master and MMA legend a new kick! Astonishing! Or it would be for anyone other than Seagal. For Seagal? No big deal. (Machida, on the other hand, says that he learned the kick from his even higher ranked black belted father, Yoshizo Machida who is, like, a 7th dan in Shotokan karate. But who do I believe? Is that black belt even REAL? I believe Seagal. Duh.) After that KO, Couture retired from MMA... so you could say that Seagal retired Couture! I do. But while on a show promoting "The Expendibles 2," Couture quipped the only fight he'd come out of retirement to do was against... Steven Seagal! Seagal said he'd fight Couture, but only if there weren't any rules and in a secret location with no witnesses. Those were Seagal's totally reasonable, completely serious stipulations. But it does open the possibility there was a factual underground high-stakes martial arts competition featuring Steven Seagal and Randy Couture. Alas, I doubt it has happened since Seagal is, in fact, still alive. I mean Couture. Couture is still alive and we know he wouldn't be after fighting STEVEN SEAGAL in an UNDERGROUND NO HOLDS BARRED DUEL. Seagal has been doing those for, like, 98 years, after all. And is undefeated. And, honestly, Seagal has already beat up Couture if you think about it, having already mentored Machida into an easy victory over Couture.

[@RedEyeReviews]

@Kit Bradley haha that is amazing. Yeah that underground tournament would totally just involve Seagal shooting the guy in the knee.

[@applied.precision]

I've been working my way through these videos as slowly as possible because I know when I run out of old content I will be sad. I always make sure to fit one Seagal video in every day though because they are literally becoming the highlight of my afternoon.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Aww thank you so much. I'm glad I can provide the entertainment

[@abledemo1]

I have really fallen down the rabbit hole with these, fuckin outstanding! Shocked this series has yet to hit the algorithm

[@RedEyeReviews]

Thank you so much! We are starting to find the algorithm. I was actually under 1k subs only a month ago. So it's been really nice to me in November

[@adnanalam8389]

loving these, bro. hope you can do all the Steven Segal movies!

[@RedEyeReviews]

I'm so glad! Yes I absolutely plan on doing everything he has ever been in. Including tv shows haha

[@inferno0020]

@@RedEyeReviews Seagal Lawman?

[@RedEyeReviews]

@@inferno0020 of course!

[@AprehamLincoln]

The scene where Seagal takes out 6-time UFC champion and former 101st Airborne operative Randy Couture cracks me up Edit: oh, he was an Olympic alternate in wrestling too. Basically, he could fold Seagal quicker than the legs of every chair Seagal has ever sat in.

[@GhostofGomezDawkins]

But didn't Seagal teach Anderson that front kick? I'd say a fight between them would be a unanimous draw. Lol.

[@goober5713]

People in the airborne are not operatives.

[@RT-bt5ql]

Nah

[@RT-bt5ql]

@@GhostofGomezDawkins he did, there's a difference between a front kick from the knee compared to the spear front kick from the hip. You're not a martial artists so u couldn't tell

[@GhostofGomezDawkins]

@@RT-bt5ql Lol, so true. There is no doubt now.

[@michaelmyers3709]

In the Fast and Furious scene, watch out for the gangster saying, “Are you guys just gonna stand there with your fingers up your a***s or you gonna show me what you got?” For the entire line, his dialogue and the movement of his lips are mutually exclusive.

[@Bewilderebeest]

The going out of business sign on the children’s hospital makes me chuckle whenever it pops into my head. Inadvertent comedy genius!

[@lialaw6840]

"Her husband, 🤢🤮" fkn killed me😅😅😅🤣

[@Slevencolevra]

Never saw a movie just take a chase scene. Damn... ballsy

[@justindunlap1235]

the best actor in any seagal movie is the poor young woman who is pretending to be attracted to Steven.

[@trustobey1016]

Lmao, you're not lying about that.

[@michaelmyers3709]

Awesome review, terrible movie. Remember enjoying the car chase until I realised I’d already seen it in the Peter Weller movie. Fabulous doubles and stock footage. Can’t believe you didn’t mention the part where the girlfriend answers the phone but loses her grip on it and fumbles it around awkwardly in her hand. And they left it in. That end song gives me a migraine. Get ready for truly superb green-screen action and an incredibly convincing fight double in Black Dawn (Black Yawn).

[@RedEyeReviews]

Haha I totally missed her fumbling the phone! I have to go back and watch for that. Oh Black Dawn is...something else haha. It was quiet the experience.

[@michaelmyers3709]

Think I’m the only person to ever notice the phone thing. It’s shortly after the truck chase ends. Looks really silly when you notice it. Also enjoy the shot of Seagal standing up from a table as the prison bus arrives. Then a moment later, they replay the exact same shot of him getting up but flipped. During the same yard scene, a thug lifts a knife and for some reason they foley the sound of a knife scraping metal over it.

[@jamesmac7523]

Came across red eye reviews a few days ago and I’m hooked on the seagal ones. 😀

[@RedEyeReviews]

Thanks man! Glad you like them

[@AztecUnshaven]

Lol, the bald dude that's Seagal's co-star in this movie is "Trigga Treach", legendary rapper from the group Naughty by Nature ("Hip Hop Hooray", "Hear Me Flow", "O.P.P.", etc).

[@ankeerex]

Subscribing to every channel that roasts Seafood Seagal is becoming my hobby.

[@SADurbz]

I am hooked on this series haha... top notch

[@danielscholey9199]

Why am I addicted to watching these now? 😂

[@RedEyeReviews]

So glad you are enjoying them :)

[@losttribe3001]

The problem with children hospitals are that kids don’t have jobs, so how do you expect them to pay for care? It’s a wonder why more kid hospitals haven’t gone out if business. I say let’s get rid of child labor laws and put kids back to work so they start paying their fair share. Little leeches...

[@losttribe3001]

...and that’s my joke for today. Not funny? Yup. And I’ll show myself out. Be sure to tip your waiter.

[@RedEyeReviews]

That's what I'm saying! My grandpa used to pick tobacco leaves as a kid. And he turned out fine. A rather foul mouth and horrible sense of humor but totally fine besides that.

[@robertbrown380]

Gotta call out the fact that Seagal scenes always are super dark to hide that massive girth

[@valkyrie9646]

Remember when he was sued for sexual harassment and the THREE women said he would lactate when he was aroused and that how they proved the harassment and won? I 'member.

[@imaghost2961]

That’s absolutely disgusting… he’s foul. I believe you, but how was he able to do that though? He’s a man?

[@nauseous3925]

They actually used F&F cars and used another movies stunts 😆 I can't breathe 10:36 holy crap that's EX UFC champ Randy Couture on the left!!

[@MarioSratss]

Your reviews are so amazing. The Olympic Games and the fist bump kills me 😂

[@TAITheAsian]

MARRIED TO STEVEN SEAGAL AAIEEEEE, what a way to start a movie. Robin hood Seagal, ohh boy. I think I do remember this movie partially now that it gets to the Driver part. OOHH THE MUMBLE TO THE GUARDS BIT! Now I fully remember this movie. Honestly these steven seagal movies require the odd zany shlocky bits to get the memory jogging. That chandalier attack bit, lol, I'm always impressed by the, creativty of producers in the sets they make and what kind of random ass enviroment attacks they make but I really wonder what the exact situation was with that bit. Was steven seagal was like, "Yeah man i just wanna mumble mumble, kick that guy holding onto the mumble mumble" and everyone and their mother is like, "Hwat Steven?" You also don't see the whole light fixture in that shot so it makes me wonder if they modified it to hell to work properly with Steven's absurd weight.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Hahaha Steven Hood? Robin Seagal? Either way it was a ride and a half. There is so much mumbling in these movies I had to think on it a second when you said mumble to the guard lol. Oh these fights are 80% choreographed day of, for sure!

[@fredlandry6170]

I burst out laughing when I saw a going out of business sign on the Hospital Sign 😂😂😂.

[@lordmorklen5166]

how'd they not get when you tell Americans "DARE to Do Drugs" the reply gonna be "Hold my beer" or "Challenge Accepted!"?

[@JamesMMcCann]

Pretty sure the scene where he ziplines is footage from the Van Damne film The Order.

[@dukeraoul3793]

"Seagal talks funny"... also, 'EK-scape"... LOL, keep it up!

[@RedEyeReviews]

Hahaha. God damn it. I do do that

[@dukeraoul3793]

@@RedEyeReviews don't stop, it makes for a great drinking game! Happens almost every Karate Korner!

[@RedEyeReviews]

@@dukeraoul3793 haha. Amazing. I'm proud to be a drinking game

[@robertparks7233]

How old is this?it looks like he dropped 40lbs,down to 300,damn!STEVIE HITTIN THE WEIGHTS

[@RedEyeReviews]

Hahaha hey hey. He is crushing something alright.

[@MichaelSpikes-pv6kl]

Great movie review

[@eduardopena5893]

"Who the fuck is this?" I think that is what Steven says each time he shows up to shoot one of these movies and meets his fellow cast members.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Hahaha. Without a doubt

[@michaelk8860]

I like how the chracter actor playing Max is the same actor who played the owner of The Double Deuce in Roadhouse - the review of which I loved and sent me down this rabbit hole.

[@chaosapiant]

I'm 42 and remember very well the DARE program in elementary school. The stories they used to tell us to scare us from drugs. One story was how a couple of boys kidnapped a kid, tied him to a chair, and him to take drugs or threatening torture. That's shit I was told in elementary school.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Right?! What a crazy horrible failure lol

[@chaosapiant]

@@RedEyeReviews It wasn't unique to our school, but we'd have a police officer (in uniform) come and present to the class. Looking back, it just seems super weird now.

[@sprouts5535]

Seagal exposing the hospital industrial system at 3:08 lmaoooo. Are they selling the patients too?

[@RedEyeReviews]

hahaha. right?!

[@Joeyblackblue1408]

That was legitimately the fast and furious gang 🤣

[@nofail]

I'm pretty sure that was also Chloë Grace Moretz's double photograph on the weird shrine earlier, so there might actually be a reason why he chose her?

[@ktitwayne-leeakabane1345]

The first shot of Seagal going into the building to robbed building is actually from the order 2001 starring Van Damme. Which is a way better movie and one of Van Damme's comebacks. It's kind of ironic that he stole that shot even though he hates Van Damme 😂. Dude your videos is awesome and keep up the good work 👍🏼👍🏼

[@thetattooedpainter]

BRO that edit at 14:44 had me in tears!

[@Groaznic]

Ahhhahahahaaaa that double door roller olympic trial got me completely dead lmao dude :D :D :D

[@jonathanryan2915]

LOL those cars actually were used in the Fast and Furious movies. All three were in the first movie. The gold one and the red one were in both movies. This is how they looked in the second movie. The red car was Vin Diesels car in the beginning of the first movie. The gold car was Paul Walkers orange car from the 3rd act of the first movie.

[@patchbunny]

7:37 WTF does "walks like a black man" even mean?

[@ajktigie]

You know what back in late 90s and early 2000s I enjoy these bad movies just because I really don't know it's bad!And now I still enjoy them even when I know how bad it is.

[@michaelvendick2785]

At 10:25, that's former UFC Heavyweight champion Randy Coture all the way to the left

[@RedEyeReviews]

Oh great find!

[@SirWilliamKidney]

Okay you know that was Seagal singing in the end credits, right? He also did the song during the helicopter prison escape scene. I think he demanded that his band gets to play songs for the movie or something, that's wild. I'd love to hear the full behind the scenes on this movie

[@fidelmercado2621]

I just binged the karate corner.

[@RedEyeReviews]

That's awesome! I'm so glad you enjoyed it

[@donculotta1551]

Seagull's newest friend is Treach from Naughty By Nature. He co-stars in that epic sequel to Pacific Rim called......you guessed it ATLANTIC Rim. You HAVE to watch and review that one!!!!

[@JohnSavant]

Children's hospital going out of business is peak America.

[@RedEyeReviews]

It sure is lol

[@Film_Bro]

'Going out of business' it's amazing to see the decline in quality within his movies, every time you make a video!

[@RedEyeReviews]

Lol we are going downhill without brakes at this point.

[@fanalittletruthincog8168]

Hey RedEye Reviews......bro, you are funny as hell! I've been watching alot of your stuff lately, you are VERY entertaining. Loved the 'I'm gonna get you sucka' review too man. Keep em' coming bro!

[@robertgroen2197]

Buy a sick kid, get two free. LOL, good times !

[@CowboysCreed]

“Walks like a black man, breathes like a killer.” Words to live by

[@losr.1673]

Did anybody notice Randy Couture as one of the henchmen?

[@james_money]

In the freeze frame at 10:12 - there's a face directly above the right hand picture of the girl's photo...I can't tell if that's supposed to be part of the painting or a mirror reflecting one of the crew's faces.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Oh wow. great catch...its kinda creepy. but he might be wearing glasses? so I'm going crew members face for sure.

[@25ehn]

I love your reviews it’s about time Steven seagal gets his ass kick by critics

[@RedEyeReviews]

Haha thanks friend

[@Lyricaldeamin]

Your channel is my new favorite 🤩

[@RedEyeReviews]

Thank you so much!

[@Lyricaldeamin]

@@RedEyeReviews thank you too sir

[@charlie.ridgway86]

I'm a proud graduate of the D.A.R.E program... they taught me that the next year in middle school any drug I could ever want could be easily obtained with little to no effort. In fact the officer said kids would be coming up to me asking if I wanted any drug, but as the motto goes... Just Say No!!

[@MOONSUN4Life]

3:08 You can't make this sh!t up... Looks like a freakin' sticky note, too! Unintentional Comedy at its absolute best! 4:19 You also can't make _this_ sh!t up... I mean, why am I even surprised at this point? 7:48 "...so he doesn't have to stand up" Seagal obviously learned _a lot_ from this guy. 9:27 "And who is this kid?" That's the kid from _Kindergarten Cop_ and now we know who gave him that badge. Well done, Arnie. 12:45 Goodbye, eardrums. 13:24 Hello, _Silence of the Lambs_

[@fredlandry6170]

The white haired guy was Kevin Tighe the bar owner of the Double Duce in Roadhouse.

[@kranberryxox]

Bro. Why ...why am I here.. why cant I leave. How did I get here. Somebody help

[@RedEyeReviews]

Haha I ask myself all the time

[@MichaelJohnson-kx3ln]

The movie that shocked a nation...if not the world! Puff Man Walkin, starring Steve Seagal.

[@mlsems116]

You didn’t mention that Body Gaurd #2 is UFC Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture

[@colehartel7206]

He may have saved the children's hospital from going out of business, but apparently they still couldn't afford an apostrophe for their sign.

[@TheBrewjo]

I believe Ellen Page has a early role in Trailer Park Boys, playing Jim's daughter!

[@jamesmorgan3212]

I’m a D.A.R.E. Graduate… class of 1989.

[@rashidmartialarts9513]

Lmao 😆 keep up the Seagal reviews !!

[@RedEyeReviews]

Done and done

[@dizzy1369]

D.A.R.E. was hilarious here in Canada too 🤣😂🤣

[@RobinJohnstonphotography]

It’s amazing he hasn’t made a film called Widows Peak.

[@Archbishop_of_the_Noodle]

What's the name of that song when the cars pull up?

[@tangoblue]

8:08 - Hand to God, I thought my phone had received an amber alert.

[@aranerem3767]

What on earth is that end credits song?

[@ang3r3dv3t]

My mom still has my D.A.R.E. shirt from Elementary school. I stayed clean because of the pledge you make with it. I stayed true lol. Makes me laugh because I never realized it had such a negative impact on the youth. Irony lol

[@lukewelch401]

Favorite movie quote at 13:28 : Jailburg: Buh BUHBBUH BUH Bu BUH!

[@notabolchevik]

1:09: does he sleep like that sitting? LOL

[@Mattwest1985]

10:35 hey! Randy Couture! He’s a legend!

[@nightshade7240]

Does...does Seagal just think he was born of every race at this point and has convinced himself that any weirdly specific and racist thing he writes into these shit piles is completely not objectionable? How does one "walk like a black man" and "breathe like a killer"? Also was that Randy Couture?! Oh my gods, it was Randy Couture.

[@chriswalls5648]

3:00 is that hit girl?

[@andrewscurr9983]

Did you pronounce it ecscape?

[@RedEyeReviews]

...yes lol. It's apparently a thing I do, that this channel has made me aware of haha

[@andrewparker7110]

Wow Randy Couture is in this film!

[@jonathanjackson2587]

Never thought I'd see Treach (from Naughty By Nature) walking side by side with Sensei Seagal,...so I won't be surprised when I see 2pac & biggie next chilling with Mr,sorry "SENSEI" Seagal 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Teh69thSpartan]

Seagal also teamed up with Ja Rule & DMX.

[@josephfranzen5626]

Going out of business 😂😂😂😂

[@DustinWQ]

Hospitals have gift shops bro!

[@Eric155]

So at 9:38 that’s definitely Randy Cotour the legendary MMA fighter right?

[@Alan___C]

He stole the painting at the local chinese buffet

[@judsongaiden9878]

1:36 Ever see Ridley Scott's 'Robin Hood'? Screw what the box office says! That movie rules! It correctly portrays Robin Hood as a champion of The People who fights the leviathans of Big Government (tyranny), Big Religion (whore of tyranny), and Big Internationalism (traitor trying to bring about greater tyranny). It seems to be what I'd describe as a "libertarian nationalist manifesto." Nationalist in the sense that Robin Longstride of Locksley is portrayed as a soldier-turned-partisan fighting against tyrannical forces both foreign and domestic. Also, rather than merely "robbing from the rich and giving to the poor," what he's really doing is taking back The People's wealth which had been expropriated by the state as taxes. Come to think of it, Disney's iteration of Robin Hood fought for the same ideals. "The rich," in those days, were the aristocracy (the oligarchic element of the oppressive feudalistic state that rule with an iron fist of imperious oppression concealed by the velvet glove of opulent splendor). Wow! I went off on a tangent there, didn't I?! 5:24 Cinema Sins pointed this out with 'The Shawshank Redemption': Only dweebs and narcs fasten their top button. 7:48 "Guns! Fresh guns for sale!" ~Marcus Kincaid, Borderlands 1 7:50 Two Benelli M4 Super 90s, two FN P90s, an Uzi, an HK G36C, three MAC-10s, two other nondescript shotguns, two revolvers, and a bunch of generic pistols (two or three of which look like Desert Eagles). 7:53 Bet you anything they only took the pistols. The most tactically useful of those guns were the G36C and the M4 Super 90. 9:41 Brown leather trench coat (or maybe it's a frock coat). Way cooler than most of his coats. Gotta be heavy, though. 10:04 Why'd he ditch the awesome coat? Was it too heavy? Was it making him too hot or something? Probably expensive. 10:10 "It came with the frame."

[@MaYkO-WWH]

I think I saw Randy Couture at one point

[@Zzzzalazar]

Yeyehhh another Seagal movie LOL

[@mothmanofaustraliaradio8888]

please hitgirl would kick segal's arse

[@SilentMott]

I was in the DARE program as a kid, nobody ever showed me real drugs...fucking bullshit.

[@RedEyeReviews]

Lol you got robbed

[@JM-nd5wj]

Dude… Randy Couture is in there 😭😭😭😭…

[@chimchimcharoo56]

i need to see steven in a pair of boxer briefs and nothing else. the clothing he wears is really making me want to know how much fat he is covering

[@RedEyeReviews]

Oh God. What a brave request lol

[@Humongous420]

Most light fixtures are able to support the weight of a SEAGULL not a whale named Steven Seagull

[@majinbooch3787]

Have you done urban justice?