Saying 'I Love You', Boundaries, Anxiety & More! | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

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Dismissive Avoidants & Saying I Love You, Boundaries, Anxiety & More!
- The dismissive avoidant's and saying I love you
- Dismissive avoidants and boundaries
- Fearful avoidants and anger
- Nightmares and the subconscious mind
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[@pikapoka17]

What about DA and saying "I'm sorry"? It seems to be a HUGE challenge as well. It looks like they don't want to take responsibility for their actions/words or acknowledge that they and their actions actually have an impact on other people. It's like "I will take care of me, you take care of yourselves, everybody does what they want." Thanks for your imput

[@sv4922]

I'm an avoidant and my partner is a an anxious attached. I'm the one that apologizes everyday. Not him.

[@jamesharwell]

So, there must be more to it.

[@shaunasea6072]

I'm guessing they don't know themselves well enough to understand their role and what they need to apologize for.

[@Ina_ei]

It has to do with “I’m defective” trauma as well

[@lau.tizzir]

I disagree. As a DA I find it way more difficult to say "I love you" than "I'm sorry." Saying I love you is about solidifying your commitment, about being vulnerable. It is a very important step and this is tough for a DA. But saying I'm sorry is something else entirely. It's about realizing your mistakes and taking responsibility for them. Not that hard if you are a decent person.

[@cocomac3546]

Dismissive avoidant here, I find it very difficult to say I love you and my anger can go from nought to 100. I feel sorry for my partner but I want to be better. Thank you for these videos, they’re so important

[@divinenoor7163]

@Steph Courtoy : I like to ask you a question. Please explain to me what could be the reason that my DA ghosted me without any explanation two months ago which I haven't heard from him.

[@al3X767]

I think it's awesome that you're opening up about your situation 🙂, hope you get to where you want to be 😁.

[@cocomac3546]

tripple fire sign I’m so sorry you went through that. I can’t speak for that person but I’d imagine that they can detach themselves easily from emotion, pain and conflict. To an outsider that appears callous and lacking in heart, to a DA is a way of survival as they simply can’t face it and find it easier to shutdown then navigate through. Again, I’m really sorry for you. I’m a DA from being emotionally neglected as a child and had a very dysfunctional upbringing. I hope you find peace and move on and receive the love and respect you deserve

[@cocomac3546]

al3X767 thank you so much

[@divinenoor7163]

@@cocomac3546 I am so happy for you and your progress. Wishing you and Your partner the best. He also mentioned that he had a same situation just like you growing up. I just don't know if he would contact me or if he's gone and out ???

[@tc4853]

I met a DA, he was something different , his behaviors were so confusing to me , for a year I was confused and at the end I did not like it I experienced confusion, a need to understand , I felt weird and I left . I personally think you have a choice , you can put up with this nonexistent relationship, nonsense relationship, felt like an ilusión like a fantasy . I want hugs , company everything you can experience in a good normal relationship. I feel bad for the ones that put up with this they need help and your or I are not therapists, they need to want to make the changes not me or you . There are many guys and women in this world and is your choice to go through all of this mess

[@paniq_fnite]

Agreed 💯💯💯

[@HealingHappyAli]

I was one that put it up with it. All the codependent tendencies I thought I'd long healed and overcome came out. I'm inspired you left after a year of confusion. It took me 4. I got ahold of my issues again, but it sure made me mistrust myself and become very precaution to how I'm feeling about, others behaviors, my boundaries.

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

Well stated!!!!!

[@nelacivic1950]

I am DA. I think you are right! I was involved with FA and now that we are done I see that I couldnt met her needs and she couldnt me mine.

[@HeroicMermaids98]

My ex was a DA, it took him nearly a year to tell me he loved me (only a month before we broke up). When we broke up he told me he had loved me for months and only realised it afterwards! I knew he loved me for months but I knew it was like he didn’t even understand that it was love as he was so detached from his own emotions!! It’s crazy to me as a very self aware FA empath! I think we are both healing now though 😊

[@CASchack]

Some of the times she said that she loved me were during our occasional breakups. While in the relationship I have almost never heard the words. Emojis or stickers via text hinting at love, but not the words. It isn’t easy.

[@Orisiya]

Mine said it after I found out he cheated on me. Never had he said it before. I think it was just so he can clear his conscience

[@31Alden]

Powerplay1999 Emojis, music and song lyrics was how my DA “communicated”. I just couldn’t do this. Not in this stage of life.

[@rensraj]

Hi Ghosty, how are u coping with the breakup? AP female here dealing with a DA male, been 1.5 yrs and never expresses feeling and saying i love you is just so alien i dont think he will ever, but just need some advise from you. He told me he is going to get busy with work so will not be able to see me as often, maybe couple of months. What should i do?

[@2KChilds]

@@rensraj With a DA, you will see them less and less the longer you're together. With mine we started out seeing each other at least twice a week. Towards the end, I was lucky to see him 2 or 3 times a month. Started making excuses about work, feeling sick or his dad needing help. The more connected and bonded to someone they get, the more time apart they need to feel safe. It's about balancing intimacy and independence. DA's just want someone they can feel really close to, that will leave them the hell alone.

[@JustJRR]

Wow 🤯 the things you said about being able to set big boundaries but not feeling able to or know how to handle navigating smaller everyday moment to moment boundaries is SO SPOT ON. Thank you so much for saying it aloud. Working on it. 🙏🏾

[@marcremillard4052]

This is helping me grasp how monumental it is that she would tell me she loved me.

[@whiteowl80]

I legit have never told a man that I love them, first. I have said it after he says it but I’ve never really meant it. My last relationship is the first time I ever wanted to say it but I held back and eventually filled in blanks and we are done. I’ve never been this heartbroken in my life. I blew up at him in the end bc I was going crazy from his mind games. I’m not over it and I’m still not sure what’s reality. Thank you for this video. I’m learning more about myself with each one I watch!

[@madwalnut559]

Referring to da "I love u". It is much easier to say it to another girl who u like as a friend, but a girl u have true feelings towards, those word r taken in a very serious & respectful way.

[@rodfrancis9160]

My mother never once said she loved me ,so i assumed she hated me ,what with all the beatings and torture as well. But as an adult i have noticed she finds it hard to express closeness to any person, only her cats.

[@magicisreal111]

I decided to be real breezy and tell my DA I love him to see what might happen so I did one of those voice messages where you’re like, “blabbity blah, talk soon, I love you, have a beautiful day”, the way you would with any friend. He never responded and haven’t heard from him in 12 days. He’ll come back. He always does. But it’s like he has an allergy to intimacy. He’s admitted it to me, told me our relationship means a lot to him and that he knows he pushes me away. But it’s maddening. I’m sure it is for him, too. It’s sad because I know I’ll have to move on eventually and I wish it weren’t so.

[@ksref]

I'm in that same boat. It never goes anywhere or changes

[@magicisreal111]

@@ksref I know. I tried everything - patience, understanding, showing more vulnerability, embracing my independence, self love, self care, communicating my needs gently, giving him space … it kept him there for years but he was never going to commit to our relationship.

[@mikikot4546]

My boyfriend tells me "I love me, too." in response.🥲

[@mikikot4546]

My boyfriend responds to me by saying "I love me, too." 🥲

[@magicisreal111]

@@mikikot4546 😂 😢

[@IsabelSmith31]

On the example where you talk about telling a DA how to express love -- its actually super endearing and actually makes me even feel love and a kind of excitement as an AP, to explain to my DA "I want you to say something sweet to me" and then he says "I'm not good at that and I'm at work".. and it feels so good to be able to say "it's ok baby I understand. Just give me something small baby. Tell me you miss me, tell me how much you want to see me, please baby it makes me so happy when you do"-- and then love is just flowing between us in those moments haha I love it. So not only does it empower the DA but as an AP it actually even excites affection within myself to be able to specify ways for him to show he loves me. And then he in turn feels a bit more confident every time and dare I say proud of himself for making me feel loved haha. 😍

[@Alixir1228]

Girl you're literally begging him to tell him he loves you 💀.

[@careitina1412]

Any updates?

[@kameronsteelefit]

@@Alixir1228100%! I was getting nervous just reading that!!

[@jmanley1486]

When my DA & I were together, we told eachother "I love you"... well I explained to him... it would be silly if we are to say these words to someone we are just dating. I told him... "Your a smart man & putting Boyfriend/ Girlfriend title on us doesnt mean the pressure you believe it does. Its like when a Murderer is labeled a murderer... it fits the bill. If we called the murderer a teacher... it would confuse people bc they would be like... he murders though?... get it?lol" Lets just say he understood!

[@karensjoborg8110]

This video made me brake down and cry. I finally understand what happened I my relationship. I’ve been fighting against the unknown for two years. I hope now that we can work together before it’s too late. So sad to waste time and get heartbroken 😔

[@daisyda5313]

Yeah 6 months for me clueless as how the DA felt about me, though he told me he was a DA. I can understand him much better, his struggle. I do see him wanting to change. I think it’s also important for me to express my needs in non demanding and judgmental way.

[@Angelcakemoves]

Wow it's amazing how much you are right on in regards to DA. I've been listening off and on sense sometime last year upon finding out I have CPTSD and went on search to figure me out more. Turns out I'm finding I'm DA and my husband is Anxious attachment. Both opposite I've had a love hate thing going on in our 20 year relationship. I'm learning so much from this.

[@haleywilson520]

I have a DA who said I love you when i told her and now she won't say it back after that. There's a lot that's complicating things going on between us but it's given me a lot of anxiety about whether she meant it or has changed her mind. 😔 Edit: she did say it again. She seems to be following the pattern of being vulnerable and then withdrawing for awhile and then coming back around

[@monicamonica5924]

Update? Still together?

[@haleywilson520]

@@monicamonica5924 absolutely not

[@daisyda5313]

@@haleywilson520 oh no. What happened? Was she willing to working on becoming secure?

[@langstonreece1824]

definitely true that I don’t know how to set mini boundaries so I just avoid interaction. Great advice

[@oludhe7]

Literally all of your videos are so on point. I feel like somebody is reading a transcript of my experience and behaviours 😮 I am so glad though that these things can be healed/changed and if anything, gives more hope than despair despite finding out why we are how we are

[@Bubagigant]

I'm not sure why I'm still in. It seems hopeless. He's like an iceberg but won't let go.....

[@andrewn4922]

Thais, you are so articulate and clearly know a lot about all of these issues and how the people experiencing them see and feel. Thanks for sharing.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

You are so thoroughly knowledgable about attachment styles. I read one book about it, Healing Your Attachment Wounds. But your videos have Really made things more clear. I really want to improve.

[@jamestrouten1733]

You do very well on explaining Yourself which is very beneficial to your viewers. I can tell very clearly that you take your profession very serious And you enjoy and love to help others which is very nice to see and sight of a person of such wonderful gifts that are being illustrated through words to help others.

[@HealingHappyAli]

Subconscious Mind: Nightmares and animal dreams, almost any dream I can remember into my day is a message and I can connect it to my life and something I need to consider further, work on, or am glad to know. Such as; breaks on a car having to be pushed very hard and the car still is barely stopping in time is something in my life feels like it's happening too fast. I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be and I need a bit more of a support system or reconsider an aspect to it, but I'm ready for it, I'm still *driving* towards it. *If you can find a true licensed professional practitioner experienced in navigating subconscious mind it can be one tool that is very helpful in the awake life!*

[@juliab1176]

It is helping me on my journey so much to be of service and live my best, authentic life. Thank you! 🥰

[@bexparkman7701]

you need to alter your mic. BLUE YETI'S need to be upright. Horizontal to your face, not positioned like a karaoke mic. you will sound so much better.!!! :) xxxxx

[@Kevdo92]

I saw this video the day it was uploaded, but watched it again today just to better absorb this info. Hearing the question at 12:56 made me want to respond and share my thoughts. I'm in the AA camp, and I think if my DA said this to me, I would really understand. That was communicated very well, and it leaves no room for misunderstanding. I commented in a previous video about how my DA ex never said I love you, but it never bothered me much because I *felt* loved by her. I knew that in pretty much every sense of the word, she did love me and she made it clear to me with her actions. I did not doubt that from her. I just never understood why she never felt comfortable enough to *say* it, and although we did talk about it a few times, she was never able to really put it into words. I didn't really understand her hesitation before, but that question makes it clear to me now. This is what she was trying to tell me, but we both weren't able to figure it out. I think the person who asked that question should be very proud of themselves for being able to put such a complicated thought into words, especially one that even us as the AA can understand and sympathize with.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

WO such BIG ,true, ,& real heart! Obviously a very special woman who has done incredible research , created& shares this incredible school to help people in a massive life changing way. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@tammyalexander2617]

Thank you so much Thais! You're so gold!!!! 😌 😌

[@juliab1176]

As always Thank you Thais for your teaching and your warm, open demeanor. I used to listen to your free content every Saturday and now being involved in the amazing community and being able to work directly with you during the webinars, woking through the courses, I wonder what took me so long to be fully engaged in the journey! You are never "sales-y" in my opinion, rather in service to help and inspire as many people as possible. Learning your conscious and subconscious mind is so powerful. All the best, Julia B

[@AudreyLynn17]

This information is so valuable. Thank you so much!

[@Blacbeard31]

Excellent Video!

[@morvenmacleod9559]

Awesome video. So so helpful and enlightening. You really are such a brilliant communicator and mentor. Your videos are a life line for many people. Thank you 💞.

[@jenwallace7299]

This has opened me up to, and made me feel hopeful, to have a way to deal with a life filled with bad & distressing dreams. Thanks for your insights to being a DA.

[@AshleyLebedev]

My DA can say I love you but he can’t say I’m in love with you. Almost 3 years and that line has been like pulling teeth. I remember once saying I love you so much and he couldn’t say it back but said I don’t love anybody “so much” and I’ve said I’m in love with you and he goes silent as well as saying “I wish I felt that way, but I just haven’t yet” // when we have broken up is when he seems to turn his feelings back on like it’s finally safe. And agree he’s stone cold honest for that exact reason : to not hurt anyone long term.

[@sw1216]

Yay! Conscious parenting, I've been waiting for that course. ❤👍

[@soilaenenkoiboo8497]

Thank you so much Thais. Your videos are super helpful and have helped me so much, especially in understanding my attachment and how to manage my anxiety and responses.

[@CommandoMaster]

Very insightful answer on Dreams.

[@villalobosregina]

You are so beautiful! And you are simply amazing at giving each style empathy and understanding along with solutions. You’ve helped me so much! Love from San Diego Thanks 💕(Can you tell me attachment style by my comment!? Haha)

[@MichelleFondinAuthor]

My dismissive avoidant says "I just want to be friends!" And then goes back to flirting and coming near. Is this normal for a DA? I feel like his phrase, "I just want to be friends," is his way of taking space. Has anyone else experienced this?

[@Datavinc]

Yes, i had experience with women DA, DA have fear of commitment. My suggestion, play hard to get, don't take him seriously. Give him minimal affection, if he love you, he will tell you one day. Open yourself to other man, find better man. DA have intuition if someone is not available, I think DA love someone that doesn't love him. Very confusing right?

[@Ina_ei]

lol this phrase take off pressure. It may be confusing haha but knowing that you are not expected to commit or go into relationships gives you freedom and you feel more natural to show your affection and be yourself when and how you want because once you go into commitment you think that you have to behave some particular way even if you don’t want to. DA don’t know how to be in healthy relationships with no conditions. For DA relationships is a responsibility and you don’t know what is exactly expected from you but you feel like probably can’t handle it and not ready yet. Like some day it will happen naturally why force it haha It’s tricky but you don’t have to wait anybody. DA don’t ask anything from you but also expect to be not asked either. For them “ we are as we are and things should be simple and light”. Sure it’s not okay and things can’t be always light and simple without being taking care of proactively, so put your boundaries and if your DA are not interested to work on better your bond then try to move on and keep just simple friendship with DA. ;)

[@thisdelightfulllife]

Yes, he used to say that all the time - we have been married for going on 18 years now. We have had our share if issues, mostly provided by my AA fears and other toxic behaviors I had from being raised by narcissists. If you really love the person, and yourself, you will work with them to love them the way they need to be loved and learn to love yourself the way you want to be loved, if you can't ask - which I still struggle with.

[@TheMaxymama]

Yes, exactly what Ina said. We don't want to feel the pressure of the commitment.

[@Foundry_made]

My DA, suddenly after nine months, out of the blue, completely checked out emotionally and got SUPER SHADY. COMPLETELY secretive, hiding EVERYTHING and started exhibited what appeared to be cheating red flags. She swears up and down there isn't anyone else, but as time has gone on she has created more distance and gotten more secretive while verbalizing a desire to finally open up. It is constant flip flopping between hot and cold, and the secretiveness has not abated. Prior to this we had been more or less secure and very affectionate, very connected sex, etc. Super confusing.

[@daisyda5313]

I learned from my DA is that the dating stage felt very connected though he was not exclusive with me then when we finally had the conversation to become serious. He was very triggered and it took a lot of reassurance from my part and time we got back to initial bliss in what is our honeymoon stage. I can feel his guard was down little by little and feel his affection increases. Maybe he’s getting more confident. Little steps, for me consistency is important. I think in a couple of months I should check in with him, to have the talk. I am actually really looking forward to have these talks than before just feeling dread.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

My dear DA friend did so well meeting when I was clear about my needs. But I also failed in communicating some fears and concerns, and asking for clarity from several of her comments... and I lashed out and pushed her away. That's where we are right now and it's so hard to give an unknown amount of space without communication. She and I told each other we loved each other. But she definitely has tough time with apology.

[@royaloakseskies]

@ShimmerSoulSong were you able to work it out and continue the friendship?

[@MISSin4MATION]

It’s my dream and one of my ultimate goals to get all of this info and other holistic and spiritual aspects into the education system!! I would love to be a part of a community of healers and coaches that share this same world view. It’s the best way to penetrate the whole system, we work with admin, hr, support staff, students of all ages according to their developmental level.. it would heal the world!!

[@activemindset]

Such a great idea!

[@dvillalva21]

Thank you. This really helps as a DAv

[@eloisemarie5219]

What a great video. So good. Really appreciate how clearly you expressed the need so that it's understood. Makes so much sense.

[@nubeingqueen]

This video by helped me so much

[@leahnoel33]

I will shut down so much as an FA when I need to speak my needs, like overwhelming thoughts and feeling like I’ll be misunderstood or denied my needs.

[@IsabelSmith31]

My DA said he loved me yesterday and we only been dating 6 weeks. I'm not sure if he was just being flirty, and I was not really ready to say it. We were just talking and I said jokingly, "I just want you to love me!!" And he said "I DO love you"....

[@skyefox3597]

I’ve often dreamed about being threatened by someone and trying to call 911 but either those numbers weren’t on the phone or dialing it called another number - like I kept misdialing it. But the phone wouldn’t work for that number. It was really upsetting.

[@maximilianbatz2070]

Do you have a fearful avoidant attachment style?

[@TJ-nq5nt]

Anxiety and More its a lot of that in the world.

[@unityheartbeat]

I like to watch your videos , the only thing i need to say is that i sometimes don’t understand everything because you talk really fast sometimes... 😊. Love and light .. keep doing what you doing , its very interresting

[@quynhanhphammai4653]

As a AA being together with a DA, I got nervous often when he expressed love. I don't know if this is normal or if anyone experienced the same thing

[@paniq_fnite]

Same. I’m FA but somehow a DA saying ‘ily’ is so scary. : /

[@Hippowdon121]

@@Moonie787 I guess because we may have similar wounds, and we just act on them in a different way i.e. It's hard for us to feel truly seen and loved. I also felt nervous because I thought 'this isn't going to last because you will pull away'

[@cadilac949]

I’m a da and I had a lot of dreams like that, and a lot of possessions dreams... is that cause I’m so scared for someone to take over me? It would get really bad sometimes..

[@Datavinc]

Try meditation

[@tasneemmohamed2510]

How did I miss this

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Very interesting. Makes me feel like in the past maybe I've used that word a little too freely or openly. It definitely is a special word / emotion to use wisely or carefully? Maybe I should be waiting till the other person sais it first to be safe, even if I think I'm feeling love for them.

[@Czymoch1993]

starts at 2:40

[@frankastisk]

"My" DA (I'm FA) recently said he loves me. We've never been a couple and we've known each other for almost 5 years. I couldn't feel it. It didn't feel personal and emotional. He wasn't lying, but he was walking around the apartment and just sort of threw it out there... then he was like "I love your soul, I love my ex's soul" and some other people. His ex treated him like shit, so that also made it mean less. It was as special as if he had complimented my shirt. I didn't say it back and it hasn't been mentioned, so I don't know if he even remembers it. Am I just minimising it out of anxiety or am I right in dismissing it? I just didn't feel it...

[@AshleyLebedev]

Video begins topic at 2:25

[@Abluemorphobutterfly]

Starts at 2:50

[@busyazn]

2:30 #1 17:19 #3 21:45 #4

[@jmanley1486]

What is a healthy time-line to reference when getting back with a male DA... & every other style. I was very secure before meeting my DA & we are working on a friendship after breaking up months ago. I am getting back from the anxious preoc mind that my DA unintentionally turned me into, to my secure self. I am very open to patience & gaining knowledge for him bc we have something that really doesnt come around often. Could i meet someone else that has qualities that fit me, maybe. Do I care if the grass is greener, no, bc he made me happy & it deserves a chance. When building back trust & all the good stuff... a timeline that could be followed would be nice.

[@7racker]

How has it been going with him? Still in touch? Back together romantically?

[@itsbritneybitch69]

my ex is mainly fearful leaning dismissive, hes not triggered about losing me as he was the one who dumped me again a few weeks ago for the 3rd or 4th time, he was very sweet in the relationship very fun always telling me he loved me lots of affection and pda etc everytime he would break up with me he would cry and cry and pull me back in within hours or days being very apologetic but this last break up he is more in dismissive mode even tho again he was upset and sorry we had the break up talk and both of us were so emotional and sad and he held me like he never wanted to let me go but since the break up he is being dismissive i didnt text or call for a week which is so unusual for me and he didnt even ask once how i was or if im ok, i did reach out after a week and he was hot and coldish, wasnt nasty odd kiss on a text but short on his answers some texts were like he cared others were like he didnt give a shit, so its hard to know how to win someone back like that most coaches say go no contact but i dont even know if that would work as for mine it would just help him move on its heartbreaking when u love someone so much and just 2 weeks ago they were telling u how in love with you they were i was so loving caring thoughtful we never argued and i could not have treated him better for the 9 months, now i just feel lost and dont understand how they can just let go when they told u they love u and u were the best and that they didnt deserve u :(

[@agloria8]

My DA said hurtful things when he broke up and pulled away. I was told not to respond by trying to get him back and grovel. I responded with fine sure. How will a DA process a response like that?

[@silvercake6309]

I think I'm dismissive avoidant and felt as if I had no boundaries with my partner, so I clearly told them I needed some space from them because I can get caught up with work for awhile, and if I don't complete the work on time I'm going to be very stressed; they said okay, then had an emotional break down. I don't know how to tell them I need boundaries without hurting them.

[@colinc5531]

So ur partner agreed and you had an emotional breakdown...do you have any reason why you had the breakdown after you received what you wanted?

[@silvercake6309]

​@@colinc5531 I didn't have the breakdown, my partner did after they accepted my plea for some space from them, though I'm not sure why they agreed if they didn't want that to occur. I didn't get the breakdown though.

[@colinc5531]

@@silvercake6309 oh ok...i got you...yeah i dont understand after you complied they still broke down smh

[@senseijen8963]

Its because most of the time and for most people- Asking for space actually means breaking up. Asking for space means you need to step back and decide whether the relationship is something you want or not. You need to explain why you are asking for space and reassure the partner that its not going to a break up. Otherwise most people especially AA's would perceive that as a threat to the relationship.

[@chanteuse1978]

It would probably be helpful to reassure your partner that it’s not rejection, and continue spending time together even if it’s less. “This is nothing to do with you, but I will be less stressed and more present with you if I can get this work done. What would help this time feel okay to you?” Then talk about staying in contact, express that they’re important to you, and discuss ways to stay connected

[@jaimsish]

Who else does a lil dance to the intro song?

[@reborn4450]

I often have dreams about being chased by someone with a gun. Luckily, by the time I am captured by the gunman my husband happens to startle me from my sleep so I wake up with my heart triple beating. Could this dream mean that I feel trapped? The only feeling I recognize is that I'm terrified the whole time.

[@light75777]

Dreams are also a way for God to communicate with your spirit 🙂

[@karisuperstar]

I’ve been with a DA for 6.5 years and he still has never said I love you 😪

[@MsMufet03]

🧐 Can I be DA & FA at the same time?!?! I feel like both describe me to a T. I’m a dismissive fearful avoidant.

[@razvanyke]

HI, yes you can have % from both. Nobody is 100% one of the styles. On the PDS website there is a test and I can confirm it is quite accurate. The "definition" in your case can be that you have FA attachment with dismissive major.

[@AshleyLebedev]

I concur I am both at diff percentages as we all are ✨

[@yintotheyang6433]

Yup I was equal parts DA FA majority..

[@twainslureca]

I’m an FA newly dating a DA. I held it in for a month and half I went silent then told by text (there is no in with him in person he is arms length!). my needs weren’t being met and what I specifically needed. He never replied and stopped texting me 3 days ago. I’m shook. I don’t see him as a ghosting type since he is very literal and confrontational. I am not going to reach out to him. I figure he is offended and needs space. It’s been too long a wait already not knowing but I cannot reach out.

[@yattab4590]

This is my situation..I’m an FA and he’s a DA. I felt like I’d been successfully meeting all of his needs for support,etc. I voiced my need for more emotional security and connection...he blew me off and got irritated. I eventually got irritated and he shutdown and that’s that!! 🥴🥴 Hadn’t talked to him in almost 2 months but he actually reached out to me this week for my birthday 😲😲. I thought he had forgotten all about me because that’s how it feels!

[@twainslureca]

@@yattab4590 yeah see that has me triggered in all sorts of ways today lol. I broke up with the DA 2 days ago for doing his disappearing act whenever I want to bring up important topics. This particular topic was that my son was returning home from summer away and that I would have him daily thus changing everything about the way we've been newly dating just as kidless people. He did his MIA thing for the 2nd week in a row. I called him out on it saying that is NOT OK. He did not reply. I sent more texts explaining my position. No response. I finally lost it, broke up with him and am done. I am a mom, I don't and will not have anyone in my life regularly disappearing on me for 2 days or 2 months. I have a son watching and that is not a MAN, that is a coward. I'm sorry, at a certain point when is a video going to be made about how fucking toxic these people are.

[@Divinebabalon]

Girl you have to cut him off because they are often takers never givers (can even be narcissistic) It's not healthy \ safe it's toxic so if someone cannot help others and believes in the "everyone for themselves " motto, then you deserve better ❤

[@twainslureca]

thiscoochie got game I left him a month and half ago! Life is too short to waste on someone using you. Thank you for ur comment.

[@Seashellsbytheseashore21]

Be aware, he may ghost. I got ghosted twice by DA.

[@meeshell2267]

My DA husband who I have been with for over 10 years and usually initiates "I love you" maybe 4-10 times a year (seriously) has said he loves me 4 times in the last 4 days while he's away. What gives?

[@royaloakseskies]

@meeshell2267 did you ever find out?! 😊

[@linnethfunzeani4369]

My DA fears conflicts like nobody's bison, he often says i talk too much if I'm forcing an answer out of him.I don't even talk that much.He opened up a bit say he knows he's been a dick to me just that when i do that it drains him he doesn't like talking too much.

[@rebeccacarraway480]

Story purge?

[@austinnguyen9107]

4:23 10:07 19:40

[@maximilianbatz2070]

you look absolutely gorgeous in this video, Thais :-)

[@Ben-ki8ke]

Hi, i did your attachment test and got 33% FA, 29% AP, 29% DA and 10% Secure. Where do i start when my insecurities are so varied and spread out? There’s a slight majority in FA.

[@resueah7257]

50/50 AP and DA, my guess is that you're smack in the middle of FA

[@Ben-ki8ke]

@@resueah7257 Oh great, that explains it! Guess i've got my work cut out for me

[@resueah7257]

@@Ben-ki8ke I hear you!! Been in the FA rabbit hole myself this past bit. Ugh. Work. Let the healing games begin! 💜

[@Ben-ki8ke]

@@resueah7257 Let's do this

[@junelee5975]

I wish the video was more concise

[@nancycole-auguste6614]

I think DA may have a hard time saying sorry because they feel insecure already and an admission of wrong is scary . Understanding takes time for both and working on feeling secure in love helps by praying to the BELOVED - God . That increases our love and faith which washes away fear and takes the burden off our mate

[@natashamishra2233]

You look pretty

[@gaylesantone1885]

How can I encourage a DA to recognize his feelings?

[@kayaxe]

My dismissive avoidant (with abit of fearful signs) broke up with me 2 weeks ago. She still loves me and I still love her too. However she has supressed all her emotions and broke off because she feels that we are pragmatically incompatible. (Im Anxious attachment). I have been working on myself for 2months now (since she started pulling away) and im confident that the relationship can work out. How do I reconnect with her?

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

I'm sorry to hear.... What exactly does she say is behind the "pragmatically incompatible" belief? First bit of advice is don't get triggered and contact her more often than she says she wants you to, or when you are anxious - which I know is torture for you.

[@kayaxe]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 Thank you for replying :) she says im too in tuned with my emotions and need validations and she is out of touch with her emotions and needs space hence by weighing pros and cons in her head she feels we are incompatible. (Basically just describing our axious and dismissive traits). I have been on no contact, she reach out once, we had a couple days of back and forth text and i stopped replying when the conversation came to a natural ending. Im not sure if i should reach out this time or wait for her to reach out again.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@kayaxe So far you're doing what I think you should. I'd definitely leave it! "Validation" is the word that catches my attention. I imagine she'll see an approach as you being too needy, which does not tell her that she'll be getting her space in any potential future that you might have in mind. Also, be careful not to make up for lost ground if she does make contact. So no hint of frantic texting etc, and let the conversation fade naturally. At this point, I think that too many AA's panic, and make the mistake of studying their partner 24/7. She'll smell that from a mile away. Put all your energy into dealing with whatever exactly she sees as you needing validation!

[@globalmark3300]

I am same GF is DA as far as i know tried lots methods but Thais (PDS) has a video on how to get a DA back kzbin.info/www/bejne/qYq1kJqjisyfZ9U watch this one , But also advise Join the Facebook group as people as questions to others going through same thing , Its helped me alot so far .. But no rush as minium 6 weeks before a DA misses you according to video and as above try overcome your AA work on self and then if she hasnt reached out follow advice on video or facebook group .. i am currently doing the AA course from PDS but can use videos on youtube aslo less content but lots great Info .

[@stevedail5948]

She might see being in tuned with your emotions more of a feminine trait and she wants you to be more masculine. She wants you to be more masculine so it can bring out her femininity. She doesn’t want to be the man in the relationship.

[@pinkagatepj]

My DA ex broke up with me a couple months ago and I saw him the other day, we had dinner & I gave him some of his things. We laughed a lot and had a fun catch up. He kept complimenting me and we hashed the past out. Today is his birthday and I sent him a thoughtful message & he told me he liked it. Is there any chance he still has feeling for me?

[@CristinaaaMx]

Im sure he does! Hopefully u can show them all this info and work on it together! :)

[@lizp2512]

I really hope he does. My experience with DA is they enjoy easy, and comfortable and don’t like to feel guilt. Often times their niceness could be confused by those on the outside as an attempt to reconnect when in reality it could be their way of making themselves comfortable only. If I could suggest, don’t show any attachment theory to him and take things very easy and slow. Best of luck! If you guys hashed out the past- maybe this is a wonderful new start for you both. Think of how things can be different and focus on showing up as such ❤️❤️❤️ and when the times feels right and you feel him opening up - express your desire to reconnect. DA’s can sometimes be very direct when pushed and unfortunately very indirect and vague. Look for clarity. :)

[@CASchack]

Just understand that he may never be able to meet your needs, forcing you to settle for less in order to keep him around. It can be a difficult road.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

As a DA, I'm not sure he does (or doesn't). First thing is first. You know what you want, so i suggest that you use direct communication to get very clear. After creating a genuine, five year, long distance friendship, following a "relationship" which I have only ever described as a year of war, it recently dawned on me that I'm likely in a similar situation atm (although my situation should be much clearer). The most attractive thing a potential partner can do for me is be upfront. I'm not getting that, and I am very reluctant to call her at all. I've noticed that the people whinge about how DA's may never be able to meet your needs usually fail to meet the needs of the DA, and fail to understand that, unless someone literally take you hostage, nobody forces anyone to do anything. People are often the hostage of their own inner child, which they refuse to take responsibility for. Deal with your issues to get passed that, if need be. And if he keeps you hanging, or isn't enthusiastic about bettering himself psychologically, I suggest that you run. The road is what you make it!

[@conor1565]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 The thing is the DA never states what their needs even are.

[@jackieorainbow]

I think I'm a FA and my b/f isna DA together 2 yrs. He told me he loved me multiple times at the beginning of the relationship. We have lived together for about 1.5 years and he hasn't said it in over a year. If he feels how how you discussed then what is the point in being in a relationship with someone if you don't love them enough to want to marry? Especially for this long?

[@lauriemeerlarock5649]

Info starts at 3:25 😕

[@alainpatry]

I wish all potential female partners out there knew how to communicate as well as you do Thais! If a partner ever explained things to me in such ways, I'd def find her to be a keeper!

[@peg1518]

That’s because you’re likely healthy yourself. Us women who can communicate well and like this, it’s interesting how often it is still lost on people who haven’t done the work and don’t acknowledge they even need to do any. You could show them this video and so show they’d take it as something offensive to them and their ego, haha…sheesh.

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Thank you for your useful information. Have you considered getting some voice elocution lessons ? Please do not take offence but You speak very quickly and your sentence endings disappear and cannot be understood Colour by me anyway. Meant as a helpful hint and professional suggestion.

[@ksref]

I change playback speed to 0.75. That sounds much better, because she IS too fast

[@creativesolutions902]

I have nev looked at these videos that before, I’ve never even heard of the term dismissive avoidant, yet they keep showing up. I wonder if KZbin thinks I’m dismissive avoidant??

[@barbaradaniel7322]

I really want to listen to this topic but your voice fades in and out throughout your talk. as if your voice is tired. Also, you talk so fast I can't comprehend what you are saying. I REALLY LOVE THE GREAT SERVICE YOU PROVIDE us but I am frustrated because I really wanted to hear this talk...😔

[@BFNLEO]

Hey Barbara have you tried slowing down the video? You can do that by clicking the 3 dots @ the top of the screen (or wherever depending on your device) makes the voice sound a lil funny but it helps.

[@PhillipGDavis]

💯💪🏿✊🏿

[@stormfalcon72]

Sound is unfortunately so bad 🙁

[@nietzschesmuse]

Your video has great content but are too long please make them shorter. Video began at 6.13.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

I personally like them at least half an hour. This was unusually long. But Thais has mentioned that there's a particular time which research suggests that people prefer, and she mostly goes by that.

[@danaconnolly8574]

I personally love these long videos bc she goes into depth and explains at length. It’s incredibly helpful. She strikes a good balance. Some videos are short some are longer. All are very informative and helpful.

[@beechum1]

Shortened video transcript: "Be better." Done.

[@5325bunny]

Your mic quality is HORRIBLE. omg.... why??? Please fix it!

[@craigpinnock8638]

Audio very bad - think I'm going to give up watching.

[@traditionalfood367]

Earphones or headphones