Should I Make Love With My Spouse During Marriage Difficulty?

If your spouse is in an affair, and you’re wondering, “Should I make love with my spouse if they’re in an affair?” We are here to help. To start, Dr. Joe Beam earned his PhD from the University of Sydney in Australia, studying the causes and correlations between marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. Specifically, he specializes in situations where a marriage is having difficulty/in crisis.
Also, be sure to get the free eBook: 7 Things to do when your spouse is cheating
marriagehelper...
One of the common questions Dr. Joe Beam receives is:
“My spouse is having an affair. He or she is involved with some other person. And yet, occasionally my spouse wants to come home. Be here with me. Things begin to get a little bit romantic, not necessarily a lot romantic because I can tell he, or she is still involved with the other person, but we wound up in bed with each other and we made love to each other. And I'm wondering because of the fact that my spouse is still continuing in an affair with the other person, should I do that? Should I make love to my spouse? Who's involved with another human being, (whether or not that affair is sexual or just emotional.) Should I be having sex with him or her?”
In today’s video, with Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes, you’ll discover some things to consider if you’re wondering if you should have sex while your spouse is in an affair. Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes will discuss the viewpoint from the angles of both spouses and provide you with a deeper understanding of this situation.
Remember, there’s not a simple “do this” answer, but if you think about these things, you will be better able to make the BEST choice for you and your situation. The key question is this: “What are you trying to accomplish?”
*Here at Marriage Helper, we do not advocate for people to stay in an abusive marriage. Learn more in our video on Toxic Relationships: marriagehelper...
*Likewise, if you are in a situation where you’re experiencing abuse physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally, feel unsafe/scared, or your rights/freedoms are taken away from you, please get help IMMEDIATELY. The Hotline: www.thehotline... helps you understand what abuse is and how to get help and get safe.
••••••••••••••••••••••••
Thank you for watching! Be sure to like, subscribe, share and also turn on the notifications by clicking the bell!
Workshops: marriagehelper...
Coaching: marriagehelper...
Online Courses: marriagehelper...
Call: 1 (866) 903 - 0990
Email: [e-mail]
Visit: www.marriagehe...
Facebook: / marriagehelper
iTunes: podcasts.apple...
Follow Kimberly on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmes
Learn More About PIES University: PIESUniversity.com

[@Kickerworks]

My wife cheated on me and I started on pies. She even noticed how much I changed physically and how she put it. How I carry myself. I gained a bit of confidence back but still have the struggle of what she did. She found me attractive and wanted to go to bed together. It was already decided we're going to separate. So we did and our connection seem to be so much deeper like it was the last night on earth. We both knew things can't change overnight so we are still separated. We decided to work on ourselves and see if we are meant to be. I'm working on the 10-10-10 rule. It's nice to see what our future can be. Space is still needed but it all feels right when we hold each other. Time and consistency I guess.

[@timcole423]

If a spouse is committing adultery, the sacred covenant of marriage has been violated, and sexual intimacy is a sham or a pretense. Such a situation requires clear boundaries and tough love, not a weighing of goals, risks, and benefits. I would say, “either turn your heart my way, or take the highway.”

[@msdee2905]

Please don’t say it’s making love. It’s just sex. If your spouse is in an adulterous relationship they are not “making love” to you. If they don’t honestly love you then it is only empty sex and the wife will feel used, abused. The wife should not have to compete in the bedroom for her own husband. When a spouse cheats usually they have been sleeping with their wife and their affair partner at same time. The wife just didn’t know. I would hate to get AIDS or herpes. A clear boundary needs to be established that if the husband will leave his affair partner then intimacy can be restored in the marriage in time. Trust and love needs to be rebuilt. Normally sex doesn’t save a marriage. A heart change in the adulterous spouse needs to happen so he can truly love his wife and family.

[@msdee2905]

Instead of being intimate and having”sex”. Work on your friendship, and trust, work on integrity and commitment, love your spouse then make real love. Leave the affair partner and then rebuild your relationship with your spouse and make true love. It’s simple, do the right thing and honor your marriage bed by stop cheating and committing adultery. Repent of your sin, ask for forgiveness of your wife to reestablish intimacy in your marriage.

[@donna62016]

YES, YES, YES... keep making love as long as neither one of you are dating or having sex with someone else or emotionally involved with someone else. The answer is No, if one or both of you are dating or having sex with someone else, the marriage covenant has been broken AND there is the risk of sexual disease.

[@volleyballjerry]

I have actually heard of ex spouses hooking up and doing booty calls. I agree with Kimberly that after all the drama that it is more a feeling of being violated than exhilarated. Dr. Beam is correct regarding the complex set of emotions. The problem is that it is impossible for me to even *like* someone who is destructive to the relationship. And if I dislike someone, I would rather sleep on a slab of ice alone that share my bed with them. And let’s clarify something. A booty call is NOT making love. It is nothing more than a biological function for sexual release. Sex is not love.

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,l got help from a great man who brought us back together...

[@clintbailey8220]

I've had a similar situation happened to me, caught my wife before we married with another man and she had cheated prior to that a couple more times even with my best friends. I proceeded to forgive and try to forget but it is very hard to forget with an image in your mind. I've stopped bringing that up in conversation and as of right now I am separated and she keeps bringing it up because I have a p*** problem and she throws the reason why I cheated on you card. I want to win her heart back I have five children that I love dearly and I love her dearly but it's been 15 years of hard hard time. I hope there's time to where she can realize that I do help and I am a good asset with her and her children I'm very uneasy about the idea of not being with her. I hope these videos y'all post on KZbin help I've been soaking it up like a sponge and trying to understand things and this one I can relate to because it's happened multiple times.

[@snigicbryan]

now i can put the two together. i wondered about the name Beam in the middle of Kimberly Holmes name. So it is Father and Daughter....wow...good

[@bystandersarah]

Having cake and eating it too: imagine a cake...it’s sitting there and looking enticing, beautiful and delicious... ok? There it is. A beautiful perfect whole cake . Ok now imagine cutting into the cake and eating a slice. When you look back on the cake, it’s no longer perfect. It’s been cut into and it’s being devoured, not whole and pure and beautiful anymore. You cannot HAVE your cake and also EAT the cake simultaneously. So does that help anyone understand the phrase?

[@butterflydragon921]

Nope 😋🍰 🤣😅😂it reminds me of one of my favorite songs "cake by the ocean" because I love sex on the beach or in the ocean LOL. And I love to eat cake in bed after a good sesh!

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,l got help from a great man who brought us back together...

[@dallasgore5806]

What about when my wife is in limerence still. Is she pretending I am him? Since she cannot be with him. That is my reality.

[@deyaonsotti9594]

In my case, I felt like I was being used as a substitute to the person that he wasn’t able to be with.

[@gerijoz5628]

The harder question is “ What should I do if the affair is with a coworker that he will works with ?”

[@stevenbongiorno9277]

With me, it’s always a coworker, that I hear the name, and things start changing. Where I seem to start being inadequate.

[@Coco-su8mz]

I can relate to this

[@OkikaHawaii]

My husband and I are going through a very difficult time right now. I want to stay with him. I’m completely in love with him. His cheating and the way he treats me makes it impossible for me to continue our relationship. I still want to make love to him. I really don’t want anyone else in life. I think we need to separate for bit to work on ourselves.

[@OkikaHawaii]

I would add I wasn’t as open to loving him as much when we first got married. I did cheat on him for the foster few years. I broke down and admitted my guilt. Worked on myself and have fallen in love with him all over again. He acts like it’s too late already but still doesn’t want me to leave.

[@thuyyouto]

You should cheating on him again and see how you feel ; maybe cheating would fixed your marriage when both side getting jealous.

[@kar3n35]

This video it makes me mad. Because i dont take decisions on emotion only. I woulnt have sex because of health reasons. I take care of my body but what about that other woman? I would think his contaminated. Bio hazard.

[@kar3n35]

10:51 so ur just going to use them? Thats nasty. Thats discusting manipulation. And also is sneeky and 0 self respect. I rather suffer. An then people wonder why they have low selfsteem and feel like shit.

[@gerijoz5628]

I hope you feel better and know God loves you so much turn to God . He values you.

[@mariasuarez-vidot5745]

I am currently in a different country but the topic is relevant.

[@chicabebeh2135]

It’s Same when he want make love I just think because I need it so I won’t hurt.

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,l got help from a great man who brought us back together...

[@omowunmijohn3829]

十2348170575769♻️♻️🎦🚻识你..

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Whatsappin him 👍☝️🤘👍🤝

[@chicabebeh2135]

I can’t watch live because I’m here in Japan but thank you

[@ekcollection_shop_fashion]

my H has been pursuin' someone for almost 2 years, seems like with no recipricatio, but as if she has been keepin' hope in him for futuer relationship. My H has been sleepin' at home once or twice a week for 18 months - in th the same bed with me, and has stron' physical attraction towards me, so we often are intimate. But the situations seems not changing for the better and he is not comin' back home. Feels like I'm stuck in it. what needs to happen so that my H. starts comin' home every day and would commit to our marriage. I've been doin' the PIES & SMART CONTACT. Thanks

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,l got help from a great man who brought us back together...

[@omowunmijohn3829]

十2348170575769♻️♻️🎦🚻识你...

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Whatsappin him 👍☝️🤘👍🤝🤜

[@catherinedelacerna9890]

Such an interesting topic...

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,l got help from a great man who brought us back together...

[@omowunmijohn3829]

十2348170575769♻️♻️🎦🚻识你...

[@omowunmijohn3829]

Whatsappin him 👍☝️🤘👍🤝🤜

[@dorneciagee1564]

Any tips on long term separation situations? I left my spouse for two months, needed a break. Truthfully wasn’t planning on returning but I did. He wants to proceed forward with a separation in about 1.5 years. We have a one year old and one on the way. So we’ll have two under two. My husband says he’s not physically involved with other women but he feels that since he’s communicated no longer being together. That in his mind were only together on paper. Because of this he feels it’s okay to have female friends. In a way it seems it will help him long term. This leads me to believe he is very serious about separation. We no longer sleep in the same bed. But co parent very well, share laughs and & occasionally have passionate sex. Honestly the relationship feels healthier now that it ever was. I think leaving broke that toxic cycle we seemed to be in. However, when discussed there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation. This video was very helpful for my current situation. However I would love if you would do a video over the effects of a long term separation living situation. Involving children. It seems simple. We’ve laid out a plan. But nothing seems real honestly since it hasn’t been made official on paper yet.

[@chicabebeh2135]

This is also one of my problem making love to my husband even his affair and his always denying even I have many evidence proof because I snooping it became worst fight, but now I stopped snooping all check account. We’re not fighting but not talk much. And I’m started my PIES and SC

[@gerijoz5628]

I found this a tad confusing.

[@jeanettekniebusch9812]

He doesnt want to humiliating

[@jeanettekniebusch9812]

You know other woman is younger skinnier. You know theyll be comparing. Probably why some havent had sex while cheating on spouce.Further hurting spouce sexually frustratingHow selfush & cruel to do to your spouce

[@dilshadrawat1619]

❤️YES💛

[@jasonbergeron1905]

Any topics about separation/divorce where the WS uses a relationship between a SF and SD as the reason for not reconciling?

[@MarkieMcG.]

If you don't, he will cheat.

[@MarriageHelper]

Not necessarily. There are many long-lasting marriages that some would consider to be "sexless". But their commitment levels are higher than others. However, making love or not making love can sometimes be a push behavior that causes your spouse to move toward you or away from you.

[@4runner4GOD]

Also what if the divorce is final and they are still living in the same house and want to have sex...

[@janetespinalopez5173]

Having his cake and eat it too sounds more like it no matter what rationalization I tell myself. I am sad afterwards because I recognize that society from dawn of time allows guys the privilege to be out there even they are committed to another.

[@Hamann9631]

Janet EspinaLopez. There are societies which do that. Any society following The Bible doesn't do that. God doesn't allow men to be out there.

[@chrstllyjones8227]

Some women withhold sex because they feel like the only reason he is having sex with her is because he is feeling sorry for her. No one wants to have sympathy sex.

[@asamusicdude]

I wonder if I'm open with my wife about just having sex and not living together for now? We have been sexting but she still goes cold and hot. My goal is sex lol the heart change is up to God this is EXACTLY how I feel 😁