Social Anxiety Keeps Me From Making Friends

[@norse_cat]

I have social anxiety and it’s really tough. The constant overthinking, dreading events long before they happen, being glad when get-togethers/meetings are canceled, having no friends, etc. It has led to agoraphobia and panic.

[@yogaqueen1527]

I have social anxiety too. I dont have any friends. I'm 39 years old. Its a very lonely place

[@johnnygriffith5668]

I'm right there with youman. I'm very lonely but idk how to fix it

[@foedeer]

Small steps like volunteering, would recommend meditating to understand your anxiety - non duality

[@taiwoshogbanmu9747]

Same bro.

[@TheEquiss]

I grew up knowing I was the accident my parents didn’t want. I never had friends in school. I d see pent days alone in the backyard by myself. In high school I was the “weird one” because I didn’t drink or sleep around. I had a horse so I worked. Summers I spent on horseback and gone from home from sun up to sunset. I’m 55 now. Was married 35 years. I have a few friends but honestly now I don’t care what others think and I enjoy myself. If someone doesn’t like me, that’s their problem. You have to learn to like who you are and not worry about what others think.

[@dk1828]

I have more and more respect for Dr. D every time I listen to him and his clinical skills. His ability for appropriate self-disclosure is also so on point. Thank you for all that you do. What a brave caller! Social anxiety is brutal.

[@alexisballard1459]

3:36 wow John.. this hit home for me. When you asked “who watched you?” I immediately thought of my narcissistic mother. I never traced my feelings of social anxiety back to her until now

[@CF-mi7xd]

I think the caller sounds like a very nice guy. I think the key is to find people that are like minded so you can feel like yourself. A lot of people are thrown into social events where they are around a whole bunch of different people and feel overwhelmed. Volunteering or finding some sort of hobby or sport that you're interested in can be a way to start getting out there in life.

[@todd2324]

Yes, but I don't think finding people who are "like-minded" would help this guy. If he's around a bunch of guys who also struggle with social anxiety, it'll be the blind leading the blind. He needs friends who are different from him, that'll challenge him and help him to be out of himself and be uncomfortable.

[@chaz7604]

I think this is a great idea because when you focus on something that you’re passionate about, you’re less likely to focus on how you might be coming across or on making friends and you may well do so organically. Some great places to make real and deep connections can also be support groups as they provide a confidential space and somewhere you can be really honest. I’ve met a few people over the last few years this way and it’s great to find people who have similar experiences and so you feel heard, seen understood and accepted, but also can help you in your recovery and you them. Plus we’ve ended up having so many aligned interests outside of the “support” element of our friendships too so it’s not the only thing that binds us! ❤

[@ErinT80]

I have social anxiety as well and I’ve been diagnosed as an HSP, I totally understand his plight, it’s very trying.

[@miltoncat]

HSP here too. Totally understand.

[@dokehannah]

I clicked on this one immediately after seeing the title and it has given me some things to think about. I've had social anxiety my whole life and, though it has gotten better over the years, it still holds me back. Don't forget to celebrate the little wins as you work through it. Over time, they will add up to big wins. That has helped me stay positive if I'm feeling down about it.

[@Carriesue1982]

I used to think I had really bad social anxiety but found out recently I’m autistic. It’s a tough out there navigating a neurotypical world and not knowing why you’re not quite fitting in and why it feels like everyone is speaking a different language than you. I’d be what’s considered ‘high functioning’ and most people have no idea, I mean I didn’t find out until I was 41. Finding more neurodivergent friends has helped me find people who get me more and who I understand as well. Either way, making friends is hard as an adult when you’re a quiet introvert.

[@joejanuszk]

I relate a lot to this experience. Socializing is difficult for anyone but neurodivergent individuals face unique challenges interacting with others, beyond what neurotypicals experience. There is research (Sasson et al) that neurotypicals negatively judge autistic people almost immediately, without them even doing anything in particular that gives away that they're autistic. When someone is autistic and doesn't even know it and has to deal with that, it's no wonder they'd have social anxiety.

[@Carriesue1982]

@@joejanuszk That’s been my experience. People always seem automatically put off by me even though I’m very good at making conversation, eye contact, etc. I mean there’s a reason I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 41 years old. Not a single person including myself ever had a clue I was. For me I do better with other neurodivergent people and that’s how I ended up going to get tested because I became friends with an autistic person and realized how much they made sense to me. There’s this stereotype that autistic people are always non verbal or swinging back and forth or otherwise acting very ‘visibly’ autistic when that is far from the case. I present very normally and don’t appear to outwardly struggle socializing or seeming ‘normal’. Autism varies an insane amount

[@jimv77]

My anxiety is related to avoiding POTENTIAL drama. I guess I am jaded. I hate being judge because I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me at this stage in life. What is strange is I can easily approach a stranger to make small talk at the store to kill time, but when I come across a talkative person….I have to politely slowly step back and wish I never initiated the conversation…LOL! I have to remind my wife that being alone does not mean I am lonely.

[@melaniegreen1311]

I grew up on a stressed out farm and parents who argued a lot(my dad has a temper and he would argue with my depressed mom). I had no outlet to get away from it. My parents would take turns coming to me like i was their therapist for their emotional support. I was a shy kid in school and it was hard for me to socialize and plus i was not happy to go home and the broken record would start up again. I learned to be very independent but my social anxiety is due to can i trust people and show vulnerability when i feel like that is seen as a weakness. I look like i got it together, but i feel like a scared little kid inside.

[@toosense]

I think so many people have social anxiety because people don’t interact the way they used to, perhaps it’s just lack of experience. People interact on games and social media and just get used to not communicating face to face. Online you can find groups that you have things in common with and you automatically fit in, in person you have to actually converse and work at building relationships.

[@bradwilliams4921]

I have social anxiety but I am comfortable speaking to groups as long as I am familiar with the subject. But in social situations I draw a blank on what to say so I feel socially awkward.

[@JohnWilliams-cx3ip]

I have the same issues. I try to ask questions in a casual manner and most people love to talk about themselves so I just nod and listen. 😂

[@alluringbliss4165]

I can relate. I’ve isolated myself but I am not liking the consequences.

[@RichardTouchfaith]

What are your particular consequences? Loneliness or depression? I am from a very, Very large family. And based on past drama within my family that I observed in my younger years, I've learned to smile, keep quiet, and avoid any potential drama. Everyone likes me because I play it smart I guess. Never had a bully or an enemy my whole life I can honestly say. Loneliness can be bittersweet to be honest.

[@alluringbliss4165]

@@RichardTouchfaith I dont have friends nor acquaintances. I do not have good social nor personable skills. I realize that it is healthy to interact with people from time to time. Now, I have to figure out how to meet people.

[@RichardTouchfaith]

@@alluringbliss4165 When you say no personality skills, you mean like SHY or do you mean you start acting "weird" due to anxiety? I stuttered my whole life all through junior high, so I use that as my past excuse, eventually outgrew the stuttering Thank God. I've always handled interaction with associates just fine, but never came across a person that I felt clicked with 75% of the time to create a long term friendship.

[@alluringbliss4165]

@@RichardTouchfaith Ive been a loner for the longest and have enjoyed being alone most of my life because I have a creative mind and was a daydreamer due to severe anxiety. After years of therapy, I am wanting to interact more with the outside and this general fear of people has dissipated. Since I spent more than a decade mostly alone, I feel Awkward around people and find it difficult to have random conversation. I’ve gone on events from meet up but it’s a challenge. I’m becoming displeased with the isolation that I’ve caused.

[@RichardTouchfaith]

@@alluringbliss4165 The older we get, the smaller your social circle gets. This seems true for the average person. I am glad I realized this as a very young person where it doesn't cause me depression. My teens are constantly busy with friends, though I doubt most of those friendships won't last as they get older and have diverging interest.

[@KristinaFerrarino]

Summary: Avoidance and Isolation reinforces the ,” anxiety alarm”, and that reinforces the loneliness and isolation cycle . Questions to ask yourself … Who modeled social behavior? Who was critical ? What are you afraid they will find out about you ? What are you so nervous about (..that you think they will see ?) Are you nervous that they see you as nervous ? “ Your body is trying to protect you ? What is the worst that can happen ? What is the worst that can happen to me? What is my body trying to tell me? Solutions : CBT Journal Outsource to trusted friend /family member for highly charged emotions when you are triggered . Practice feeling the discomfort.Know there is no path avoidant of discomfort if you want to get better . No one’s watching you . There are clinically backed protocols that work !

[@kyoha9840]

That's been helpful thank you so much

[@minar5653]

Helpful notes….Thx!

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

We are the way we are because of the blueprint we’ve been given. We’re a product of our upbringing and environment.

[@josephlabranche4889]

This is becoming my favorite show, Dr. John you are a stong man no afriad of showing emotion and confonting the bad emotions to become a better self

[@rawacoustics]

Gradual Exposure is the best

[@tiff688]

Totally relate. Hits me hardest in the gym, a class gym so I can't just go in, do my workout and leave

[@wildrose5357]

I have social anxiety and feel like John doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He talks about the caller hanging out with friends. Chances are the caller doesn’t have friends to hang out with. At the root of my social anxiety is trauma, shame and exposure only reinforces them. I have yet to talk to a therapist who knows what I’m talking about. They just follow the “exposure” recipe but miss the trauma piece. No help to be found there.

[@SoulfulVeg]

This helped me with my imposter syndrome at work. ❤

[@todd2324]

Social anxiety is not a hard thing to address, it just takes effort. Plain and simple. People just need to be willing to put themselves in uncomfortable situations, and have people who will help you get there. Do something that is very difficult. Brazilian jiu jitsu is very hard, it'll test your soul, and one of the things it teaches you is knowing how to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations. It is a good teacher in knowing how to be at peace in challenging environments.

[@raymondlealjr.2348]

In 36 and have my first class next week. Super pumped.

[@todd2324]

@@raymondlealjr.2348 That's awesome! Stick with it.

[@martinsaavedra8055]

My main problem is that when im in social situations i feel obligated to be social and alot of times i dont know what to talk about and i feel like i dont have anything worth talking about and i feel like i dont have anything in common with people. I only have about 2 or 3 friends who i dont get anxiety with its rare when i get anxiety around them.

[@Abcd-f7j9s]

Hit the nail on the head...hiding some secrets/shame

[@martinsaavedra8055]

I feel like when i have to talk to people i always just repeat the same thing because i dont know what to talk about and I can see in their face that they are just as uncomfortable talking to me as i am with them and it hurts alot.

[@nickjade151]

I have social anxiety it’s probably not as bad as some peoples like I can make phone calls and stuff like that most of the time… but sometimes I think my moms the cause of my social anxiety possibly. My mom to this day is nitpicking she has mental issues so it would make sense I would have gotten this from her. Wasn’t really bullied or anything. But wasn’t really popular. Just had some friends and stayed to myself sometimes.

[@truthbetold6942]

There are big genetic links to it. However, the person experiencing it, if they are a parent, model it to their children without even realizing it. Hence, it becomes a genetic and environmental condition.

[@dumitriudaniela]

I used to have social anxiety like horrific panic attacks until i discovered that i am actually an introvert and highly sensitive person who needs low stimuli, slow down and practice meditative and grounding activities that support me. It took me several years after starting this new lifestyle and then i realized i actually LOVE being alone, this is when i get replenished and that the social anxiety that i had was there because i was so sensitive to stimuli and energies and my body was just trying to tell me to seek a more calming environment. I dont go down town anymore, to loud places with crowds of people, because now i know that if i do, my brain will be in a state of overload again, which then creates anxiety. I have a different circle of friends now, people who love art and nature, people who enjoy silence and peace.

[@AlecDaStar]

Delony was exactly right about how the anxiety is

[@love-life77738]

as a man that had many many friends life is so much peaceful when you get rid of them all and just be you.. the real ones will stay

[@keifer7813]

Man, I really love the guitar example. I'm a lot like Robert here, in that I don't really know what weakness of mine will be exposed. Perhaps how weird I am? I wouldn't say I'm a creep but my interests don't align with my peer group. Idk honestly

[@dcashgotem1]

Good advice from John 👍🏼

[@games68775]

Social anxiety ravaged my life for years. I'm finally over it, but I really missed out on a lot in University. I still have some time left (in 4th year), but it feels bad. I know letting go of the past is a must, but picturing what could have been if I wasn't messed up then is oddly addictive yet very painful. It is scary to think if I feel this way now, especially lacking friends, how will I be years from now. All I can do is try my best here and now, though.

[@TheRealHerbaSchmurba]

Ive been dealing with social anxiety my entire life because of an autoimmune disease that made my eye droopy and lazy, and I pretty much had this since I was 2. School sucked for me for as far as I can remember, like I have vivid memories of rejection from kindergarten all the way until now. I got two surgeries to help and they helped framatically but of course it still happens occasionally but I am way more tough and objective about it. Not only that but I have a dad that compared me to all my cousins who performed well in school, making me feel even more anxiety about my competence compared to others, an uncle who hyper observed my every response to my mom so that I never “disrespected” her and who was always concerned with respect to the point of me seeming like a servant rather than a nephew, and a mom whose dogmatic approach to christianity which resulted in fighting as my older siblings always resisted and argued with me in the middle who was just trying to not make the situation worse for everyone. There’s honestly more lol, and of course it wasnt all bad, but for the most part thats what I remember the most from my childhood and I remember when I was in like 4th grade I said to myself that I deserve a life that is good and I developed a bit of an anger and a lust for more from life, which resulted in me working out more, becoming more outgoing and devoting myself to athletics. I still I had to force myself out of it because it was my only option or suffer, and I never really fully overcame it but I managed to cope in healthy ways, and my family’s growth over the years also helped.

[@cookie_monsters411]

Ever since ivemoved to Utah, nobody wants to prescribe the meds ive been taking for 22 years. I have no choice but to move back home so I can function again..Pretty fuc*ked up isnt it

[@alienmapping3536]

EXPOSURE THERAPY cant stress this enough

[@stephanienoury8126]

I moved a lot and changed schools many times, my problem is everytime i arrived at a new school, i always had 1 person who came to me , (i wasnt "popular" 1 friend was ok with m)so i never learned how to make the first contact. Plus i am an introvert, not a big talker......the problem now is how i make friend if i dont have a lot to talk about because nothing really happens due to my loneliness.... and my second problem is i suck at keeping contact....

[@stephanieinmany6383]

I know the feeling. I moved around a lot and would always just have that one person but I always lost contact with them once I moved again. I was the kid who was bullied and hide in the background. I tried to be outgoing but it’s just so exhausting and hard for me. Even going to the gym I get nervous and feel out of place.

[@timetimetime3985]

Social Anxiety or Anxiety in general is a chronic illness that developed on how your parents raised you. Majority of kids who have it don't have father figure growing up

[@jonnymorrill8627]

First off. There’s no place in the world for scared men. You must change that like your life depends on it, because it does

[@homervences5216]

This video really hit home especially when he ask “ what are they going to find out” made me really understand where im anxiety is coming from..

[@vernabryant2894]

He probably thinks no one likes him.

[@jennifert2953]

I learned something today. They way I tried to teach my kids to present themselves may not be the best way. Let me say teaching hygiene and dressing is difficult. You do t want to hurt your kids but it’s also frustrating.

[@UniqueYoutubeHandle13]

Has John ever talked about insecurities or social anxiety stemming from being early twenties dealing with aggressive hair loss?

[@truthbetold6942]

Not that I have ever heard.

[@jennifert2953]

Just shave it and act like you want it that way. I guarantee you that it matters to you more than others. Really

[@bufficliff8978]

There's another yt channel called HealthyGamerGG and I love his stuff on anxiety too

[@swim610]

ho'oponopono meditation helps

[@youtubebowser627]

It would be interesting to know if his brother also has social anxiety...

[@kyoha9840]

Can I journal digitally?

[@billwalton4571]

The key is to visit churches because they dont bully you that youre not getting sex or something sinful like that. Churches want you to come, so just turn up because they actively go on the streets to find people who will come. You can always talk about world news, Biblical topics, stock market, or the weather lol. But a very affective old fashioned technique to break the ice is just shake someone's hand and introduce yourself. You can do this because youre visiting, these people dont have to see you again if you wish. Do it in another city regularly. No Christian is going to reject your handshake. Secondly, know that if you are annoying to people that you feel they want you to go, do the opposite and be persistently annoying, because people get board with life and they actually start liking that annoying person when you persist. Thirdly, if its boring just put up with that pain because the more hours you accumulate in the presence of others is better. I recently showed up to a meetups groups of a Christian outdoors group that basically goes hiking. There was more than 30 of us just hiking together, obviously I didnt know anyone before going but it was a great confidence to be in a group that size. Other normal people around with their 2 or 3 friends looked at us thinking 'why dont I have that many friends'. One more thing, i have been going to a Friday night deliverance service at the universal church (you can find them in most cities of the world), where they cast out all anxiety, fear, any spirit of oppression, they command it to leave your body. There is no rolling around on the floor like mad people in this church, you just stand still with your eyes closed. It gets instant results, but I will go 7 times, if it still persists I should go 40 times.

[@lavans06]

I get that we can't have a perfect life and can't wait for ABC-XYZ but if I'm saving up to buy a home but i'm in the family home as a grown adult is that a red flag? (stereotypical Asian) or am I reading too much into and let the pieces fall in place when meeting people

[@babylon84vn]

Me too

[@Christiansstillstruggle]

Porn. It's porn. I can bet that's what he's afraid of people finding out. Every man including myself can relate to this. Porn eats your confidence away.

[@josephalmond3759]

To make friends, lend money, buy meals and be a doormat.

[@saraeastman40]

This guy hardly let the caller talk. Clearly he’s in love with his own voice

[@marla-singer]

New listener, I see 😂 This podcast is here to help people in a very short amount of time, not be their therapist. You’ll also find that he dominates a conversation when he has a lot of experience in a particular issue and wants to share the doable solution. Its like he’s excited to be able help the caller as quickly as possible 😊

[@Melissa.712]

He's soft.

[@rawacoustics]

Like Jordan Peterson said: Your eyes can control your anxiety.

[@josephalmond3759]

Try alcoholism and gambling addictions. These helped me.

[@CristinaEvans-w2m]

Not funny 😢

[@drewdelaney4166]

The sick part is he’s right! Those addictions work wonders for anxiety but ends up destroying you in the end even worse but it’s a fun ride to hell

[@skyversonset]

I feel safe when I take a vodka shot at a concert lol😂

[@kyoha9840]

Can I journal digitally?