Why Can't Narcissists See You?

[@bioliv1]

Narcissists can humiliate and destroy you completely, and afterward they expect your admiration for their victory. When you don't, they're baffled, and are even more eager to destroy you.

[@proverbs2522]

I know! It’s crazy.

[@channel8-bit433]

Im literally going thru this now. He was arrested for domestic abuse. I spoke out at court, and he was furious I didn't say the good that he was doing. Minimal good 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[@laundrymatters8364]

Because logic isn't in their vocabulary, neither is reciprocity or respect.

[@gloriabult2967]

My narcissistic sister loves to assume things about me, and she 100% believes her assumptions and she has no problem telling people about her false assumptions about me.

[@shebakali6]

My sister lies about me constantly and has alienated many people from me. Went no contact at the age of 56 after decades of forgiving, being the better person, etc. that made things worse and she had even more contempt for me.

[@Justmeeeee813]

I so relate. We are estranged because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

[@DJH97]

Same here. Blamed and accused for stuff I didn’t do and blamed for things others did. Been like that all my life with family. Very low contact with parents. That’s it. No contact with sisters. Been clobbered enough times over the head.

[@hcombs0104]

This sounds very familiar. I, too, have a narcissistic older sister who has had me pegged for decades through her projections, the fact she has always hated males, and the assumption she was superior to her siblings.

[@luvwings]

I got my sister out of my life…for good

[@rachc5496]

I set boundaries with my father, low contact. I don’t even bother having meaningful conversation with him because it’s never reciprocated. He has no idea who I am and I’m never seen in his eyes. Thank you Dr C for giving me the tools to handle this person. I’ve watched all your videos and they have helped me heal. You’re a blessing! ❤

[@cynthiafortier2540]

I told my dad about a year ago that I never felt loved by him, than went no contact for my mental health. I would think he feels relieved of anything to do with parenting. He's in his eighties, I'm so done. I won't be attending any funeral. With his abuse and alcoholism I just don't care anymore, had enough

[@sally8704]

@@cynthiafortier2540 I’m sorry that you had to deal with that but happy that you were able to step away

[@miriam100ful]

I wish I had set boundaries with narc mother a long time back. I just don't like being in the same room as her, or the way she looks at me. I try and keep it to minimal contact too. Dr C,'s videos are very useful.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I have the same type of dad.

[@aaronkwolfe]

I cannot be seen (by a narcissist) because they only see what they want to see. And if I’m seen only from their own perspective, they don’t really see ME. They see what is useful for them. They see an opportunity for supply. They see their needs/wants met.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Spot on Aaron!

[@lindabell2940]

Yea get a grip, see tripping, are you real, people you see ,i think i will a pretty good seeing cap, today, let me meet you, what did i see, that my narcissist full blown sister, down that old weak mind, now im full of narcissist abuse, for there is a trip in me, see what , no one taught you life skills, so you turn into a little mean girl, see it all, like hey the environment, the poor house, the faults of your dum parents, what did i see, part human part, be cool for your own benefit, hec yea, this down right, 0 hey im not smart, hec the doctor says, hec why not grow out of not having the natural way of how normals act, hec im a drug addict, no normal, hec i seen your world, its called common sense, for your own cool heart, seeing this walk this pattern unfold, i see myself, hec i was just a kid, and even felt somehow my sister is off base, cause of not normal people, yea my mom and dad, faults, but not that far bent, hec im still freaking, watching a pattern, being a flying monkey, trying to make sense, of just plain reasoning, how to do natural, no weak minded blood kin folk, the insight, hec i know im off track, i tell the world watch me ,im just copy them fools, see me, i seen you, no rock bottom, 0 yea, help the narcissist please, i hate something

[@AuthenticCLFord]

Exactly!

[@targetedtyranny4661]

That is true,I've heard they create their own reality,I think t b e biggest "red flag" is the smear campaign, why hide and ridicule and hand out accusations?

[@wildanimus2559]

I just recently broke off from yet another one, and the last desperate text said I brought much good to their life (yes... I know) and that they must have failed to give me the right impression. 🙄

[@Greenwings701]

They never, ever make a sincere apology. They also never, ever thank with sincerity, or in full. They don't seem to grasp what they have been given.

[@cherylduckworth11]

Their love is transactional and they buy friends. They help people out so someone will have their back, and to have witnesses to their greatness.

[@kristenmarie9248]

They are very much like someone with addiction problems. Nothing, and no one is more important than their drug/alcohol.

[@sturobertson6791]

@@kristenmarie9248 Well said. My nex had addictions to coke, weed and alcohol. I tried many times to have a conversation on the lines of it didn't feel nice for me to be 4th on the list behind those things. Did that work??? Nope... The drugs and alcohol won. At least I'm free now and can actually ENJOY an occasional beer with decent people.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Exactly right. A sibling weaponized our Mom's funeral; turned it into His Show. Degrading!

[@moebanshee]

My narcissist sees me.. I am the enemy.. I will not fall in line.. I will not comply. That makes me the enemy.

[@EstherH85]

Same

[@AthenaVelecta]

I would say it isn't that they can't see you it's that they won't see you. They adamantly refuse to even consider seeing you like seeing you would be a personal insult to their imaginary superiority.

[@threefreaksonaleash6619]

Exactly!

[@acidfuzzpedals9986]

I think in most cases, narcissists see you clearly. That's how they control you. When a narcissist says "I want to know who you are. I want to see the things you see." It means I want to know exactly which buttons I need to push and strings to pull to manipulate you into doing what I want. They have no desire to see you be yourself if it's not aligned with what they want from you. If they know who you are and what you want & your greatest fears, they know how to manipulate you away from who you are and what you want by threatening you with things you genuinely fear. It's not that they refuse to see you, it's that they refuse to understand you have a right to be you.

[@quietaqua4797]

Nicely put!

[@vickioliver1098]

thats a fact

[@cynthiafortier2540]

They don't want to see a kind soul. It pains them.

[@cherylduckworth11]

This reminds me of a story a customer told me once. I was telling him I dated a guy that didn't seem to hold a job for very long. And he said,"well it takes two horses to pull a wagon, and if one is just dragging along and hardly pulling the other one has to pull like crazy to pull the load and winds up overworked in the process". You're always going to be pulling the load and not get a true thank you for it.

[@usernameluis305]

Why were you talking to a customer about a guy you had dated?

[@martinmargerrison2300]

Are you by any chance a relative of my kind friend Lenny Duckworth from Newark, England ? Top chap and angler.

[@Luv4USA24]

@@usernameluis305 why not? I’m a hair dresser and many random conversations have come up over the years, I have given my wisdom to people and my customers have done the same.

[@fenixrise1272]

What a great analogy. My hairdresser pours her heart out to me and I appreciate it

[@markjayw666]

Oh yeah my wife and her 15 year old are just like this. Never a thank you.

[@annabee922]

We cannot see in others what we do not see in ourselves. Narcissists do not know how to connect with their authentic selves, so they naturally cannot do that for others. It's taken me a long time to come to the realization that their seemingly unwillingness to see me as I am is not a choice, but an inability within themselves instead. Experiencing this difference in perception has helped me heal and understand that it's not about me, it never has been nor will it ever be about me when it comes to the narcissist. It's this bittersweet truth that has liberated me from my own suffering.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

That is so powerful, thankyou dear one for sharing. It's sooooo helpful to hear that it's not me, I am good. I am good!!!!!

[@Justmeeeee813]

It makes sooo much sense.

[@countrystud1986]

Excellent point, this is bang on. A narc I knew stated simply "I just can't see things from your point of view". Right, because it's DIFFERENT than their own, so it just can't be true or understood at ALL. It was funny hearing them say that they just don't get it. And then next thing? Discard. After me bringing up ONE boundary. I laughed to myself and said 'Thank god, it's over!"

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Spot on!

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Very useful insight - it will make trying to ‘understand’ this insanity a bit easier hopefully

[@tbunnyshy1]

They are top priority. We might matter when we aren’t supplying what they need. They crank up the charm to get it back. We “serve” them, not the other way around. It gets to the point where that is no longer reality. When you have your fill, you jump ship. Its like the Titanic. I am DONE.

[@sturobertson6791]

Imagine sitting in 3 feet of freezing ice and snow in the wilderness, miles from anywhere or anyone. You're naked and frozen, every bone is beyond pain, your brain is numb and you can't even feel your heart beating. You've forgotten how long you've been there. Then someone comes along. They give you warm clothes. And somehow they've warmed them before they give them to you. Then they wrap you in a warm blanket. And the blanket feels like sliding into a warm hot tub. Then they give you a hot drink that you sip and lasts forever. Then they help you up and take you indoors to a warm shelter you never noticed was there. With a roaring fire. And a warm rug. And you both sit on the warm rug. And the person looks at you. And sees that you are warm. And they feel happy that you are warm. And they ask for nothing in return other than you both learn how to stay warm. That's what I think being seen is.

[@barbaradejaynes7612]

So good

[@chargennaro976]

Wow, that really sounds beautiful ❤️

[@sturobertson6791]

@@chargennaro976 Cheers Char. I think I got a bit carried away when I was writing. I just re read it and I'm cringing with embarrassment at myself! Thank you anyway. I hope you are ok 👍🙏

[@territina5365]

Thank you Stu, I felt your words to my core and I'm just sitting here now with tears streaming. I appreciate you taking the time to share your feelings, It's comforting to feel seen, understood & cared about deep in your Soul. God bless you and know that despite whatever Narcissist tryed to darken your light you continue to shine bright! Sending a BIG SQUISHY HUG from my ♡ to your ♡. Take Care~~~🤗

[@sturobertson6791]

@@territina5365 Hi Terri. I'm sitting on my sofa in my trailer home on the Essex Coast in England reading your words.. I don't know if you have happy tears streaming or sad!! Or both!! Either way, you have my support and understanding. (As far as we can in an online way) Tears mean you're going through, or have experienced emotional times. If you are currently experiencing being mis treated then you especially have my support, tho I hope your words mean you are healing and the crazy times are behind you. I agree completely with your words. To be seen, understood and cared about is comforting. Deeply comforting when you find someone, or friends, who can really do that. I'm now 6 months free from abuse and feeling good. My radar is now super tuned to people who can do exactly as you say, SEE you, UNDERSTAND you and genuinely CARE. It's also super tuned to spot the other kind of people!!!! Bless you Terri, I'm appreciating what you've written as I sit here contemplating a day of chores / housework . , and you've lifted me in a lovely way that is making me feel like I'm now on that warm rug that I gabbled on about in my original comment! So thank you! Have a great day Terri , and I do hope you are AWAY from any mistreatment. All the best from my now very nearly healed heart!! (except I had a surprise heart attack on Feb 20, but that's another story!) 🙏👍☀️☀️🙏

[@skinnyway]

if they were to see us they would have to grow emotionally. cant have that.

[@kingbee9778]

Narcissists like to keep their target in fight, flight or freeze mode with made up emergencies and manufactured problems. They sabotage, undermine and leave a path of destruction everywhere they go. In their minds, everything is about them. Everyone else are just props on their stage and in their mind they "know who you are".

[@AAXS-op1vo]

This is spot on. My narc ex could not exists without some sort of drama or trouble brewing. From what I understand he is still like that even though I am long gone. It never ends . . . they like chaos because it keeps them from having to deal with or think about themselves and their brokenness. The chaos will reign forever. If you stay, just radically ACCEPT that chaos as part of your reality.

[@Ivan-bf2jx]

I absolutely agree with you! On top of that, what is also striking, is that my narc exwife can somehow convince other people that she is the good one and I'm the evil. And people believe her😅 Magic! 🪄

[@cherylnathanodette]

So many tales and mishaps of a narc, good people need other good people, don't ever let anyone make you feel less than.

[@sturobertson6791]

People here on TH see each other often from thousands of miles away. A narc can't see you from 2 feet away.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Stu....#TeamHealthy

[@sturobertson6791]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Cheers Doc. C. It's you who provides the light that let's us see each other. Thank you. We appreciate what you do for us. 🙏☀️☀️🙏

[@georgew.5639]

As difficult the divorce has been, I’m really happy to be out from under this garbage.

[@michaelfox9750]

Yeah, nearly 4 years out for me, after 22 years together. It's hard. That's why I keep watching these videos. It helps to remind myself of how lost and lonely I really did feel--and why. It's not difficult to imagine what my life would have been like had I stayed. As my therapist once said, "Every marriage has some tough spots. They usually don't last ten years." Good luck to you.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Good for you George, it's just not worth losing our sanity over.

[@georgew.5639]

@@cynthiafortier2540 I’ve lost companionship. I married at age 51. Almost 52. Divorced at age 54. I certainly didn’t see any of this coming. But my hope for this year is to find a new wife. And not repeat the mistakes of the first one. 😊

[@mythologic]

I was able to show one of my narcissistic victimizers who I was despite his agenda for me and he had no choice but to back off and realize he is dealing with someone very, very different from what he projected on to me.

[@wildanimus2559]

Yes, they mistake kindness and empathy as weakness.

[@kristenmarie9248]

@Michael, "despite his agenda for me". 😳🤯 Well said!!! 👍❤ And, good for you! What a personal victory. 🥳

[@fuzbugg]

Yeah, we’re never supposed to be very smart

[@michaelmorrison6540]

No one is so blind as the person who refuses to see.

[@HandbrakeBiscuit]

Before, it was because all they could possibly see was their own (immature) needs and wants, and the role they'd projected onto me in order to fulfill those wants. Now, they can't see me... _cos I'm hiding_

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

"You're going to have to apologize to me". I was told once, "Why would I apologize to you when I did nothing wrong and this is 100% your fault. The only apology should be you apologizing to me."

[@katiedid9601]

Yup. Heaven forbid, you get angry, or expressed anger At some thing they have done to be truly hurtful, or something that is grossly inappropriate. They will still turn it around to your being at fault, and you being the horrible person because you expressed anger or disturbance! My mother does this to me constantly. She has actually said to my face, “I will never apologize.” And then she wonders why I go no contact. She will say things like “you’re supposed to honor your parents. You’re supposed to just move on with family members.”

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Sounds familiar!!

[@sharonjones5173]

Basically they start the argument and do the bullying, then they play the victim and demand you apologize.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@sharonjones5173 you know my family!

[@karendovey3538]

They're too self-absorbed, self-centered and selfish to see or hear others. Me, Me, Me 😩🙄☹️😡😡

[@maraemartinae5772]

They can’t apologize. About anything. Ever. Even when something happens accidentally. My ex once whacked my elbow with the door. It swelled up and was painful. He didn’t even stop to apologize or see if I was okay. There were many times he accidentally hurt me or broke something. But instead of apologizing or seeing if I’m okay or need help fixing something he just walked away saying he didn’t do it on purpose. So happy he’s gone.

[@ComtessedArtagnan]

Well, mine said 'What's the point in apologizing if you are still going to complain about it anyway?". I was told I was constantly moaning and complaining, throwing tantrums and keeping a laundry list

[@amandaliverpool3374]

It's not only that they can't see you. As Dr.C demonstrates in his picture, their eyes are shut with the hands covering. So, they make sure that they don't see. Just like they don't listen or want to hear. Their close mindedness blinds them to learning and new information. Basically if they don't want to see/hear me, I stop talking and go no contact!

[@katiedid9601]

Also, true. My narc mother also has a way of flipping this around. One time, after I absolutely could no longer take her stream of negativity , complaints, and blame shifting, and I told her so, she said to me “well, who else am I going to talk to? You’re my daughter, so you need to listen to me. If you don’t want to listen, just close your ears while I’m talking.“ I told her that’s not how the ears work and the only way to not hear her would be to remove myself from the situation. She didn’t like that one bit of course. Too bad.

[@andreas3715]

My narc mom tried to tell me it was my responsibility to maintain contact with difficult (her word) family so that my 12 year old daughter can get the full picture of life and decide for herself who is good and bad. This was after I told her I was no contact with my dad (her ex-husband) after his last abusive interaction that involved my daughter. When I explained that there's still plenty of dysfunctional members of the family we still had to 'learn from' she continued to argue her point. Eventually I realized that she cares more about me giving her the gossip about her ex than the emotional health of her daughter and granddaughter. She barely speaks to me now that I have no use to her. It's gross how invisible we are to her. She is so selfish. Good riddance!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@katiedid9601 It's always 'you need to, ought to, should do' not 'what do you need, what would you like to do or what can I do for you?'

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@andreas3715 It's a shame you have to do that but you, quite rightly, look after yourself and your daughter. She is the one missing out!

[@sherrymathson1220]

❤️

[@graveyardghost2603]

My sister is wealthy, has a great family and career. But she is breathtakingly jealous of my artistic abilities. I dont dare mention anything about my talent, bc she gets very angry. It's sad. She got furious when I showed her my painting of our grandfather. So i keep it to myself to not upset her. So really, who I am is invisible to her.

[@patfume23]

Please, don't tiptoe around her. You have a talent, express it. Just feel sorry for her, she is not well and nobody can help her. You can't help people like this, they like who they are. Be strong and happy ♥️

[@graveyardghost2603]

@@patfume23 good advice, thank you! :)

[@fuzbugg]

that’s very sad. Yeah no matter how talented or blessed they are there forever jealous S and cannot appreciate other people.

[@brittanyalonge]

This topic is what bothered me the most about the relationship. I hated being misunderstood. Everything was always seen from his perspective. Never any room to realize everyone didn’t have the same twisted thought process that he did. The longer I stayed the worst it pulled out of me. The best thing you can do is walk away from these people. If not you’re going to start becoming a version of yourself you do not like.

[@sherrymathson1220]

❤️

[@amandaliverpool3374]

🙏

[@avflyspanishboy6237]

I feel the same exact way…it was always about her perspective…or her assumptions in her twisted mind.

[@Petesplayinagain]

It used to drive me insane...until one day I realized in horror, that I was becoming the creature she insisted I was. This backfired though, because I began to research what was wrong with me. I was being gaslit, and the story from there was textbook narcissist rage and ultimately discard

[@sage9836]

This is one that still bugs me -- where they tell you "You are just (some stereotype or other)." I would then make the mistake of trying to disprove it. I had different narcissists apply contradictory labels. At the time I didn't know what a narcissist was, only that there was this type person who did these same confusing mind games.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They say that to you to test for your reaction. It is natural for us to feel uncomfortable and want to prove them wrong. It's a gotta game as in they've provoked a response!

[@sage9836]

@@amandaliverpool3374 The response is their goal. That totally makes sense!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@sage9836 Probably the worst gotcha is 'your just like ALL the others' and you're like no I'm not! Then you proceed to constantly prove yourself while being trod into the ground 🙄

[@laurielaurie8280]

They do that to trigger you and to prey on your weaknesses. That's how they try to keep control by tearing you down piece by piece.

[@targetedtyranny4661]

I didn't completely understand what a narcissistic person was either several years ago, I thought it was just a self centered cold person basically, obviously there is much more to it,I think any time these people are offended, or challenged, or some personal injury, they will want to punish and destroy, most everyone on the planet has had these things happen, and they don't go after and stalk and destroy,but the world has gotten more narcissistic,they might say,oh well that person speaks there mind,or they don't take no sh*t,there is all kinds of ways people hold these people up,you notice they use flying monkeys to do this,there dirty work,again lots of people are willing to get in the dirt and harm people,they start there own world where they pretend it's acceptable,and all the people will help justify torturing someone,talk about morals,principles,they are punishing,but there doesn't seem to be an end to the punishment, they might claim if you do this,or that we'll stop,they never seem to get there fill no matter what you go through,I've been going through this for years now,and getting help for something that sounds so unlikely,it sounds ridiculous, and like I have some percutionary disorder, or paranoia,which is exactly how the tactics mimic,an impossible situation.

[@laurielaurie8280]

Your exactly right Dr. C. when you say there is no winning with these people. They don't care about who or what anyone else is about. Its all about them and them being the head honcho and them being right always. They really are mean spirited and ugly. I am so glad I don't have the narcissist that I had in my life in it anymore 🥳

[@elizabethchidiac221]

The best thing I've learnt is they don't need to see anyone but themselves. You don't have to be seen by anyone, especially when you know you are extremely competent, safe and happy in your own skin. You waste so many years trying to be seen or heard so you end up being silenced permanently. I'm happy with that moving forward! Thanks Dr! 🙂🌹

[@lorinotarius]

Gus looks directly into the camera. Then, @7:19, "Unable to see you for what you are", on cue Gus looks away from the camera! Ha! What a great production assistant!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yeah, we rehearsed that move.

[@C7774u]

How can they see anyone else when they are staring into a mirror of their false self 24 /7 ? They are addicted to that mirror like a baby needs its security blanket , they are never parting with staring into that mirror. Just try taking that mirror out of their hands for even a moment and all hell will be breaking loose.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

🎯🎯🎯

[@hovnatankeoshkerian7321]

No, I used to think about holding up a mirror because I was being self-confessed to so aggressively and so often. I thought I should carry a little pocket size mirror around, and the next time they really get going take it out and hold it up to their face so they can see that they're literally screaming at themselves. But there was too strong a chance of escalating the situation, so I decided not to do it.

[@maggieb5326]

How can such a person be capable of marriage. Unfortunately, when they are allowed to dominate and control then they despise the person they control for being weak.

[@adognamedboo9474]

Practically every video is like you know my father. Although he doesn't suprise me anymore with his defect. It still hurts every time! I live with him as he is 93 and I am 62. I finally realize he's been this way my entire life.

[@LiveforHim73]

I had a Dad like that. When I found Dr.C i thought he must know him. He died years ago. Then his son took over Dad job, boasting of himself and no one else can do what he does. We learned he has a self proclaimed high I Q! And could have been an attorney. Which when you learn to understand their language that means, I’m smart enough to know how to sue! Our Dad was always wanting to sue people. Dad’s lawyer laughed at Dad the last time he went. Dad was full of nasty language after that incident. It was a hard sad time for our Mom.

[@DiamondGirl333]

Bless your heart for caring for your elderly father in spite of the pain he causes you. ps. I have a dog named Boo, lol

[@lor3999]

Apparently he also knows my brother. At least we’re not being blindsided anymore. When we choose to engage with them because they are family, we know it has to be on a less meaningful level, sadly.

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

So get out

[@GooglSucksDisk]

Oh, if only everyone was so brave and wealthy full of options like you.

[@shahadah1451]

My family does NOT see me aright. THEY DIMINISH ME. Their bias is the "competence" bias. Exceedingly, since my father is a professor emeritus (simply put, he is decorated and honored at his job). They also have a "confirmation" bias---my Dad has demonstrated this countless times. He loves to be the know-it-all. Truly exhausting. "Don't bother me with the truth" is his m.o. + that strong, overconfident tendency to hypercriticism. Then my mother is CERTAINLY ABSURDLY DEFENSIVE and she covertly enlists my siblings and their children as her flying monkeys. Black-and-white thinking makes them unable to see me for who I am. I feel so much better since I no longer expose myself to their ridicule and closed-minded scorn. This week I have enjoyed a full week of good days. I am training my mind to pray regularly, and this is erasing the years of their ugly tapes that they programmed into my head. I am an honest, trustworthy person, committed to personal improvement, respectful of others' differences. It feels so good to go ahead learning and leaving them alone.

[@kristenmarie9248]

Do you ever wish that your family could just get together like adults, and just put it all on the table?

[@timothydraper3687]

Spot on about not getting 'I'm sorry, I was wrong to do that', any kind of correcting or going against them will simply have one labelled as challenging or difficult, and oneself will be 'filtered out' by them, as far as their narcissism and the possibility one being drives them.

[@janewild9150]

You hiding in a corner of our house? So true!

[@joshua255860]

Thank you, Dr. C, my narc. mother is like a broken record. I have to listen to only her stories over and over again. All relationships with her is a one way street. All she does is talk about herself and brag. So sad.

[@nedthestaffieegan3452]

I'm astounded by how much I relate. It's exactly this way with my mother and my mother in law where the combination of such a deep level of despair, exasperation and boredom when the greatest hits of the stories are rattled off with such predictability and repetition, it makes me want to stick spears into my eardrums so I don't have to hear. It's bad enough that anything I have to say about any topic, irrespective of my expertise and direct experience is ignored, talked over or outright dismissed as incorrect or irrelevant....it's the repetition and lack of any self awareness of my presence and contribution as an individual with a considerable amount of knowledge about lots of things that's the most difficult aspect to bear. It's as if I don't exist and the only purpose I serve is to feign interest in the dreary mundane rubbish that constitutes a worthy topic of interest for them. A perfect example was when I returned home after a solo trip to Peru after a crazy adventure. When I saw them, they expressed zero interest or curiosity to hear anything about it and my mother in law started talking about a problem that some friend of a friend of her neighbors cousin twice removed through marriage had with bunions. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually dead and don't know it and I'm actually in hell.

[@joshua255860]

@@nedthestaffieegan3452 Yes, my entire life with this hollow Mother caused a lot of unhappiness and anxiety for me. I am slowly trying to break free. Thank you for your sharing. Be well.

[@LoriSunshineHopkins]

@@nedthestaffieegan3452 Well put! And the perfect example of how your existence is purely there as another prop rather than a person with interesting new ideas and experiences to discuss. Too bad they missed out on hearing about your crazy cool adventure and I hope you have a small support system of people with who you can trust and share these awesome life moments. Shine It On! I wish you a place of peace and the best when faced with these most invalidating moments.

[@deemaysie6568]

@@nedthestaffieegan3452 Wonderful description!! Completely describes my mother!

[@A.Dajlida]

"Knowing more than you" is really a crucial component of their mentality. This is why it is so important to have your own experience and to stick strongly to your own agenda, not letting the vampire to impose.

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

This is a 6 yr old inside empathy was discarded was never taught 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉why there are parents and kids this is a taught behavior 🙏🏽💥💥💯

[@mandycote5662]

They’re blind to the things of others- this is all about the self - the NEW word for self righteousness - narcissism- satan started it

[@aniE1869]

Sounds like you're talking about my mom. And she wonders why I don't call more often.

[@cynthiahurlburt2819]

Light bulb 💡 moment. Solo. The healing comes when letting go to dream of being together.

[@sherrymathson1220]

Cynthia, you are so right, I've been out, NC for almost 6 mo, I don't miss him, but still so hard to let go of what I thought we had together...we can do it! ❤️

[@sally8704]

I am going on 30 years of what I call “a long marriage.” I have just recently learned about narcissistic behavior & now everything makes so much sense. My question is…after all of this time (more then 1/2 my life) is it even possible to make this a positive situation. I am dedicated to my marriage but now that I know that the issues are not my fault, it makes me even more likely to want out of the marriage . My husband would never admit to anything. In fact I cannot even approach him about my feeling because I am so afraid of it turning into a big fight. Everyone tells me to leave but it’s just not that easy.

[@michaelmorrison6540]

When you are an empath, it takes courage and commitment to start taking care of yourself. Narcissists mess with your mind and seek to control you.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Leave leave leave. No way will this ever be ok with your soul!!! NO FRIGGIN WAY. Time to save yourself, have peace and be free!! ( They get worse with age)

[@lynnkrol3769]

I know what you mean, I was there, going see other people and clubs is very important. You have to built your life outside. Be strong!

[@amberinthemist7912]

The first rule of dealing with a narc is give up all hope of change. You could change yourself to not be as reactive but I don't know if anyone could be truly happy living like that in a marriage. However leaving a narc spouse has its own set of problems.

[@mday3821]

Just know you can never fix him and Narcissists get worse with age. Keep learning. In time, you'll really see it for what it is. There is no honor in living a life of misery, just pain. I wish you the best. "Once you know you go. Get out stay out." H. G. Tudor

[@anniebrowning7354]

The most horrible situation, when a person I thought was a friend said to me about a true love of mine: "he doesn't know you". And the truth was SHE talked nonsens and I had to learn (years later) that SHE was the one that didn't know me. SHE was not a friend, she was only envious of me for having found love. Talk about gaslighting!!! I almost lost him. But we found eachother again. When I ask for her, she don't answer. She's afraid. And she should be. Some do everything to destroy other peoples life, cause their own is bad. It's such a shame!!

[@bonniehonchell9963]

Good one! Reminds me of the worst days trying to talk with a Narcissist. My very words were, "I just wanted to be heard". Well, that took me on a very short trip to nowhere.😂😂🥴 Thank You Dr. C & Gus.

[@cor-cd8dt]

I hate to quibble with Dr. C, but in this instance the term 'bias' is a gross understatement. Biases are based in real-life experience; we prefer what we are familiar with. Narcs feelings of super-competence in all matters is a grandiose delusion where they demand status in arenas in which they have earned little to no competence.

[@michelepascoe6068]

I used to blame myself after a futile interaction, "Oh, they misunderstood! I must've done a bad job explaining." Now I understand that they don't see you because they've already made up their minds about you. They know it all, so your words have no effect except to sound like nuisance arguing.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yeh, I'll always be a stranger to my parents. My pain doesn't matter to them, my perspective isn't real to them. I am just the one dimensional part that they wrote and they direct the play.

[@truthtriumphant]

Both of my parents are gone now. But, it was always the same for me. I totally feel you,

[@christanatwork]

Once again, this is exactly what I experienced with my ex. Every conversation with her was a challenge to her to prove she was smarter, better, superior, more capable etc. It was almost stupid sometimes because she would challenge you on something that she knew absolutely nothing about, and for a while you could see the wheels in her mind spinning to find a reason to justify what she had just said. It was hard for her to just acknowledge that there are some things we don't know much about or at least don't Know more than our mate does. Just having a normal exchange of ideas to get to know one another better was next to impossible once the wedding was over. The funny part about the whole thing is that the one phrase she hated me saying was "do you think I'm that stupid?" It was a very lonely ride of a marriage because my partner was not interested in knowing me, but was only interested in dictating her thoughts on me and in "winning" me in every conservation. She won, we lost.

[@faa1412]

Narcissist's motto: When I want your opinion, I will give it to you.

[@lifetimeactor6789]

They already know everything, and they are always right (no matter what) ...And it never changes.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

DrC, divinity strikes again… just a week ago my daughter and I were chatting about “biases” and how everyone has them. And regardless of how hard it is to set them aside when trying to be as neutral as possible when some cases require neutrality, sometimes we unknowingly hang onto our biases. Here you are speaking about this topic just a week after my daughter and I talked about biases. It’s kinda incredible how many times that has happened- me mentioning something to someone OR the narcissist(s) in my life doing something just a few days before you speak about it. You really are heaven sent! I rarely get confirmation from people concerning things that I say but at least the Holy Spirit confirms me through you 💜

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to know I'm being used in a divine manner!

[@mday3821]

It happened to me, too, with Dr. C and Dr. Ramani. It's crazy, but it's also letting me know what I need to know or confirm what I know.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@mday3821 I love it when that happens! Love and light to ya 💜

[@fenixrise1272]

Happens to me too. I love that so much because often it saves my sanity! It also confirms that N are predictable! Argh

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@fenixrise1272 100% accurate 🎯!!! Take care!

[@Pukeyray]

So true. They insist the worst attributes onto another and drill their opinion into their target and social network. We all have flaws that we try to work with eachother with yet they try to pry flaws open like they found a seam on a sea ship's hull.

[@michellehill718]

Indeed, Dr. C! The narcissist (s) don't see us because they don't know or see themselves. They can't acknowledge let alone accept what they choose not to understand. Nevertheless, we're in a growth mode, always. Yep! Go Team Healthy! 😊🤠🥳

[@marieldavison5121]

Families assign members problematic roles at times ~ caregiver, golden child, glass child, skape goat etc. Over time those roles define members and set parameters for expected behaviors. The roles are internalized ~ with an accompanying strong bias of your identity. Whether it is accurate or not. People grow and evolve but the bias within the family remains stagnant. Fear causes family members to try and keep the family balanced even if it's dysfunctional with fierce sanctions when a member wants to stop being identified in a harmful inaccurate way. So disconcerting ~ to walk into a time capsule each time family interacts ~ pulling you stumbling backwards into dysfunction. Who ever said families are temperamental was right! ~ 50% temper😈 and 50% mental🙃

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Too right! Then, if you speak out of turn/role you are cast to one side with the 'How dare you' look!!!

[@marieldavison5121]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Yep the look ~ the ganging up tactics ~ threats and on and on. Cheers Amanda

[@debrawalters9746]

My Aunt just left for a four day visit. On the second day she was here she said your husband is a narcissist and gaslights you constantly. Yes, I know, I said. He has a terminal heart condition that will cause his demise soon. I told her I am almost out of prison. She goes on to say I need to leave him immediately. Knowing I have a disability and can not afford to live on my own. I just wish someone, anyone could see me and my situation and be patient with me.

[@KC-re1de]

My mother in law is a textbook case. On top of that she is a compulsive liar who will deny saying or doing things when called out. She makes up her own reality and operates on a way to only confirm her own biases. We therefore realized that she is clearly too dissociated from reality and taking any accountability. Rather than running around in circles trying to knock sense in a rock, you have to just accept what is and cut these kinds of people out completely. The only thing you (or I) really have to work through at this point is accepting that these people are unlikely to change. Don't look for justice, validation or truth from narcissists. With most narcissists, the best thing to do is just walk away. To expect rational thinking and perspective taking from a narcissist is a bit naive because they aren't capable. Therefore, leave the pieces where they are.... you can't solve a broken puzzle. Walk away and find peace.

[@unsolicitedadvice2800]

Could you please discuss Angrophobia (the fear of getting mad) in an episode? This is very difficult to deal with, the somatic feeling that anger of any degree is dangerous and can potentially destroy your life. You shut your anger down immediately and fawn or freeze so as not to trigger a confrontation and then later feel disgust, depression, and resentment that you then turn back in to that suppression cycle. The scary thing is that you know the anger will come out eventually and when it does, you won't be able to control it and it most likely will destroy everything. How do you get past the feeling that you're not allowed to feel or express anger?

[@juliehwang8482]

yup.

[@juliehwang8482]

they ridiculed my mother, she left. & now they are doing it to me. I have nowhere to express my anger.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Another good one. So true. No checking in and a lot of assumptions. ARGHHH.

[@carefulcarpenter]

*Children With Broken Eyes* _I stand silently and witness_ _The awesome power of your greatness;_ _Spin it well, Spinmeister_ _For I will never forget what I see;_ _In time I will forgive thee;_ _Tonight I will pray for my soul;_ _By morning God's love shall make me whole_ cc. 2007. 💟

[@LiveforHim73]

“I will do it as I’ve always done it!” Then invalidated why it needs to be done different. Because of the book keeping and future tax consequences, it had to be changed. They don’t want to see what I need done and be honest. I’m not seen or heard! So, I hired someone else that doesn’t need to Dis me! They want the job. Important decisions have to be made at this stage. There comes a time where you have to take the bull by the horns! My farmer father in law would say this when something needed done and circumstances were tough.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

This description is spot-on. And Gus is adorable.

[@tbunnyshy1]

I love your pictures for these videos Dr. C. ! They always say a lot. 😊 On point! 😎

[@rw20000]

Low curiosity , highly critical ..... bingo ! I've been searching for this description for ever.

[@snowbear1877]

I find that I am sometimes accused of being negative, because I speak the truth about things. The truth is often negative but people don't want to hear. So I get into trouble. But I am also slightly autistic and lacking in theory of mind, so I tend not to know when I am annoying people until it's too late. They don't see me for what I am. They just dismiss me as negative. I find it upsetting. I am not insulting them personally.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Good for you!! I am a truth teller too!!

[@tulip811]

It's a good thing 😌

[@snowbear1877]

@@tulip811 I get myself into big trouble. To me, I am stating the obvious but not everyone sees the world as I do.

[@monongahelacats]

I have this problem at work. I see ways to be more efficient or whatever, and I get the “your too negative “ .

[@snowbear1877]

@@monongahelacats It's a convenient put down when you say things they don't like.

[@t.l.7733]

If they did or said something horrible on the way to an event, they'll quickly pepper their projection into narrative about you or lob some untrue statements onto others who otherwise, don't know anything about you. Nothing like coming from the restroom, walking into a room expecting too say hello & then get attacked w/ "how could you.." or "you have some nerve." They punish you for their poor behavior.

[@joywebster2678]

Yes, tickets to a dinner event, i wasn't allowed to touch since I might lose them. OK. we head to the event he yells because I didn't have the tickets. So back home ( 10 mins) to get the hidden tickets. So I stayed calm since I really wasn't responsible. As you say in the dinner event I slip to tne restroom, and return and the table of 12 are half joking and berating me for forgetting the tickets. All night long this was the joke theme. I finally told one woman who was a hospital coworker that I never touched the tickets. She tried to steer the jokes away. But the narc ex kept it going. I ended up dancing with the retired men attending who had no dates to get away from it all. He couldn't deal with his own minor error of forgetting the tickets so I suffered. That was when I began planning my exit.

[@elizabethchidiac221]

I don't care if they see me or not! They can see themselves, that's how they live their lives anyway so don't worry about anyone but yourself!! Thanks Dr!! 😂😂😂

[@Norton57]

Dr. Les, in a lot of ways I feel well down the road of recovery from narcissists and have boundaries and coping skills that give me strength and resilience. Still, I enjoy watching your videos and your gentle demeanor - it's very reassuring and when you wish me peace, I believe it's true. Thanks ya swell fella!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It is true, Susan. Best wishes!

[@Norton57]

@Surviving Narcissism it's edifying to have your kindness to model after, sir. Thanks again, and here's wishing you joy today.

[@LiveforHim73]

So true! Dr. C has helped me reaffirm everything I felt I needed to do to grow and be HAPPY!

[@OccupationalThpy]

“Lean into your own distinctiveness.” I needed that today. I’ve been desperately trying to “be seen” lately and it’s exhausting. I’m thinking life would be better if I just was more fully into my own life.

[@Janeou8589]

being Ridiculed, mocked, invalidated made me think when I was very young that something is wrong with me. I constantly was trying to improve myself until I realized the N’s standards were unrealistic and unreasonable. But I could have used the same compassion that I gave. I’m 61 now and realized I am a decent person. I like myself for then and now. I’ve overcome and retain great qualities as I forever learn.

[@debratownsend6383]

Thank you for clarifying “how insulting he is” that word. I usually crave the right word. I am in freeze mode to speak to him. I want freedom.

[@jmfs3497]

My Narcissist/OCPD manager only treats me like a "normal" person when he is Love-Bombing. The rest of the time it is all about control, projection, and blame. Appreciation for others must feel like an unwilling transaction for him. His compliments feel conditional, and that if you feel good about it, the negging and boundary violations will be following shortly. First thing Tuesday he was criticizing us for not addressing one of his lists he sent out at 5pm on Monday. By 5pm Wednesday he was Love-Bombing, and by 10pm Wednesday he was sending me work related tasks. This is a 9-5 job. You have to Grey Rock the entire relationship and remember his entire persona is built to avoid addressing his own mental illness.

[@vickyaldridge6778]

My father was a grandiose narcissist, who insisted on being treated as God, and I married a man (in our late teens) who came from a very similar background. I thought we could grow and heal together (not that I had that kind of insight at 17, but that was my general hope). Over 40 years, my husband turned into his father (except covert - he would tell anyone what he thought they wanted to hear. He was never honest). I kept hanging on, believing that support and love and trust would eventually prevail. Nope. I was lucky to crawl out of my marriage alive. My question - how did we two teenagers turn out out very differently?

[@denicehaley9902]

Me, too.

[@teresaw9668]

After 15 years of marriage he asked me don't you have any interest in anything about life. I filled out 2 pages single space and each one he knew nothing about. I've always been in the health care field, and always studied theology. These were obvious but he didn't know anything about me. I was just Hazel the Maid. I hurt every day about THIS.

[@sandracaezza7234]

I never lied to him, he could trust me explicitly, I made a home . Learning these things in these videos is so helpful. My home of 51 years was the longest he’s been in one place. Toward the end, he didn’t even care about home and hearth. On to new supply. It does not matter any more, he can live under a bridge for all I care. He continues to txt me about papers he needs, will healthcare proxy which was handed to him in front of the mediation attorney 2 days ago. I’m suppose to worry he’s in crises. Got it !

[@Chericatskills]

​Is it me being too needy or him not being there for me? 40 years of marriage

[@loribricker4907]

Yes

[@warriormom5843]

Hi Dr. C and Gus-Man! Monday blessings. Thanks for another great video! 🌟🌟🌟

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good morning!

[@warriormom5843]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 😇🙏🏼🌼☀️

[@shannonharrison768]

You ALWAYS articulate all of this in the most perfect way!!!!! 👍 Thank goodness 🙏 Truly helps me. Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome, Shannon!

[@dotnb]

Thank you so much for this, Dr C! I did not know how to deal with my narcissist dad growing up, I let he and his extended family make my life a living hell.

[@Geep1778]

Real quick before I even hear a word of this video they can’t see us because it’s all about them! Now back to your regularly scheduled program

[@TheeyeOftruth-yx2np]

Thank you so much for this DR Les, I'm glad to be part of this community, People that go through what you go through, Having compassion and understanding, They always want to be right, When you show them the truth, They invalidate, I love you DR Les, Peace, love, Respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe 💙❤💛💜🌈🌌😃🐎🌚☘👽🐉😊🐶♘😍🌲🦄🕊🌹💚🌷👁

[@OSTARAEB4]

I knew one guy now passed that was a know it all which I saw through the beginning as his insecurity. He was pompous and condescending and wanting people to be afraid of him. He was really provincial. Yes, they don’t care about knowing you because they think they know more than the One Above. His obituary read as if JC himself died.

[@lt827]

Fabulous example of competence bias: he argued with me about the deductions on a tax return and I am a CPA!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's me rolling my eyes!

[@amandaroberts5111]

Great content as always. Dr.C describes my older brother to a fault,of course,nothing is ever my brothers' fault' lol, l am slowly learning,observing and taking back my power, long time coming, but no turning back now.

[@laurarichards]

I subscribed! I also left my ex a few months ago. Once I figured out what he's been doing to me, I left. Me and the kids are healing from years of this.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you, Laura, as you and your family move forward. Keep learning! Dr. C

[@susiechristianson8491]

You just nailed the guy who bought the biz where I work 100%! Wow.

[@purpleiguana208]

Not only do they want to act like their competency is the best or only sort of competency, but if they ever out themselves at not being perfectly competent at something, they'll brush it aside as unimportant and irrelevant and not mattering in the slightest bit. ESPECIALLY if that "irrelevant competency" is something that YOU happen to be good at.

[@sw6454]

I smiled as I listened because I was imagining my soon to be ex husband listening to this video and nodding in agreement but not because he sees the error of his ways, but because he’s thinking “oh yes, she sure is like this in every way and if she would only listen to me more, she would be greatly improved “. His mother and him have a tendency to constantly tell people to do things the way they do in order to better themselves. My husband constantly says that he’s really into education and learning but he’s the most narrow minded person I know! Im embarrassed to be honest to be associated with them both.

[@Ferodra]

My experience with a narcissistic parent is that the confirmation and competence bias are by far the strongest. Most of the time, there was some issue i tried figuring out a solution for. I mostly found it shortly after on my own. A while later they approach me like "I found out why". I tell them "Yeah, it's because XY". "No, that's wrong" "It's not. i just tested it and it worked flawlessly". "No, it's not. It's because XY (exact same thing)". Then, they're pissed when i tell them ".. that's exactly what i just told you 5 times". They seek something they can blame me for, like "Why aren't you working? What's this sh*t there?" "It's a videogame at saturday 5 PM. I'm already done with stuff for this week". "No, you're not" You can't win an argument against such people. They literally have their brains shut off and are nowhere near as smart as they think they are.

[@zumadale]

What I found therapeutic is looking at myself...focus on self. To hell with the narc. Working on myself solely. I live with her so it makes it a bit difficult but I'm determined to become an absolute EXPERT on codependency and childhood experiences that cause narcissism and codependency. I think a lot of people we call narcissists are actually falsely empowered codependents...what we call empaths are actually under empowered codependents. Both are messed up coping skills brought on by childhood trauma...but polar opposite coping skills. When we identify as the "victim" and stay there...it's to gain power over the narc by being better than. That is very narcissistic and we sure don't wanna be like them.

[@kuriouskat444]

My narcissistic sister isn’t happy with just her friends thinking poorly of me, so now she’s texting my friends with false concern for my well being ( trust me, if she were concerned about me she would ask me) and then tells them not to tell me because I would be livid. So she paints herself as the concerned one and me as the unstable livid one. It’s complete insanity.

[@Petesplayinagain]

Mine even called my MOM to tell her about my imagined sins.

[@chilloften]

Mine was devaluing me and I asked him if a rose bush were not blooming just yet but was still alive would he rip it out of the earth. Yes, yes he would. He was trying so hard to make me feel worthless. I was shocked. And of course grasping the facts that he’s an abuser.

[@watchmeheal1176]

This was one of the MOST informative videos I’ve seen in a very long time! Time and time again I feel seen and understood after watching your messages!!!

[@adimeter]

Finally! Thank you Dr. Carter for fully explaining something that I missed - why the narcissist can't see me. They are already biased for themselves and already biased against whatever I say, even about myself. That clears up a lot.

[@lauraantic1384]

Word no does not exsist in their mind.They will do all untill they get what they want no matter what.

[@LittleOwl178]

Thank you, Dr Les. Once again you've explained it beautifully to us.

[@marilynbrowman5520]

Everything you say is describing my life with my narcissist. They are “programmed” to behave in the same manner. So interesting!!!

[@Boogie76600]

I know this person. They know everything and they are the best at everything they do😀

[@akai.christo]

Thank you Dr. C ♥️🙏🔥 Wish you and all here a beautiful day and week!! 💪🙂🙏

[@justinheer9098]

This tears me apart cause I have never been able to connect with my dad .. but I'm still going strong in my 12 steps coda program

[@amysinger2201]

and they will teach their flying monkeys to only see you through their lenses. "you know me, I'd never do that" falls on deaf ears because they do not, in fact, know you. and I 'spose they were chosen as a flying monkey because of their own proclivity towards b&w rigid thinking, it's easier to believe what someone tells you rather than live in the complexity of real relationship.

[@barbpace-lamb]

No contact only way