Survivor's Guilt after Loss

As if Grief isn't hard enough, along comes Guilt. If that guilt isn't supported and challenged it can develop into Survivor's Guilt. Grief becomes so much more difficult when Survivors Guilt enters the picture. Have a watch and leave a comment to support one another! 🙏🏻💔❤️
Tools for Grief Playlist : • Tools for Grief Counse...
Research cited:
www.healthline.com/health/men...
www.verywellmind.com/survivor...
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[@judygrubaugh5424]

There were four of us, deathly sick; with Covid. For almost 2 full years I have had every failure or mistake I made with my husband, who was already very vulnerable. I didn't even kiss him when he left the house in an ambulance that carried him away from me here on earth. Never got to speak to each other again. 21 days later, he was gone, and I was entering the hell of longhaul covid. My body has been recovering. My mind and emotions, not so much. The images begin to fade now, the moments of confusion and fear. I've learned grace for myself even though the high octane ping of guilt still comes to call.

[@clarencehogrefe1220]

For me also Judy

[@dredwardchisnall1017]

Having a very very bad day today. Survivor’s guilt in spades! There were so many things I should have done. Also. Very much on my own as my late wife’s family have more or less cut me out of their lives now. An occasional 1pm in visit, never invited to their home. They are helpful when asked, but my son in law is the most understanding whereas my wife’s daughter has a curious elephant in the room pretence that she is visiting briefly but really can’t stand me. I am estranged from my own family far away for very complicated reasons, and think as yesterday, I can begin to cope with Mary’s loss then burst into tears. The daughter brushes that kind of thing off and will not show any grief whatever. I remain, therefore totally alone suddenly. The car is temporarily out is sorts so I have to rely on her to collect my meds, no shopping. Maybe a loaf. I can be so self sufficient. I was yesterday afternoon, but now am in the depths of hell and guilt again. Telephone help lines are total rubbish. Jo is a voice of quiet sanity and always helps me. It is so very hard just now.

[@starstuff5958]

I could have written this....I am 7 months into long haul covid and my husband died of heart attack while I was still gaining enough strength to even walk. I couldn't believe he left me like that...My mind feels GONE much of the time and I don't want anyone around me. Life is so distorted I don't know where to even begin my day. I feel for you judygrubaugh because I am wracked with guilt because my husband wore himself down because of having to take care of me when he was still recovering..and I did this to him. YES guilt is real and I have no clue how to deal with this. You helped because I know I'm not in this along. May you move forward through the long covid. I am just now walking without walker and cane...it's a long road.

[@sarahhawkins7994]

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my mom‘s passing. Her death was very unexpected and sudden. I have been dealing with it by myself since. I want to find therapy and I know I need help. I was there when she passed and did my best to bring her back by doing CPR but I still blame myself. I pleaded with God not to take her but death is inevitable. Trying to do this on my own has proved not to work.

[@ApolloVtuber]

The more I listen to this, makes me think more and more if I have it. Loss was never something I was good at dealing with. First it started with my cat that I grew up with, then my dogs and now another cat of mine had passed away fairly recently. I kept thinking to myself what did I do wrong? I did everything I possibly could and I was still powerless to prevent it. With the death of my cat I blamed my mom, I blamed my dad, I even blamed myself, because I thought I could have at least kept him alive just a little longer to have him see his 18th birthday. That day still haunts me. I see him in my dreams occasionally, I even relieved that moment in my dream. It's been 6 years I don't think I'll ever get over his death.

[@mo-hq6zu]

I recently survived a mass shooting in Minneapolis, MN. I witnessed my close friend die and have been struggling immensely. I have been doing some EMDR therapy, but have yet to find a regular therapist. Thank you for posting this video, if anyone has any resources or videos like this to gun violence survivors I could really use all the resources possible.

[@andrew62wts]

I had 2 siblings in the womb when I was developing and they died before I was born. 60 odd years later I'm experiencing some of the "concreted thoughts" eg. "I shouldn't be here." Even though logically I know I wasn't responsible for the death of my womb twins, I'm still allowing the energetic shift so I'm free of that outdated, untrue thinking and energy. Thanks for such useful information.

[@Chosentobearfruit]

True I also experienced survivor’s guilt. My spouse passed whilst I was at work. If only I had been there, I could have saved him…..was my thinking process.

[@WaelKamel-sj3ro]

Thanks you for sharing this. Your described exactly what I've been experiencing for months.

[@lovesgod7]

My husband died almost a year ago. I suffer guilt feelings because of the decision to remove the breathing tube. He had a living will and we had talked about it many times. Still my guilt is still there. And once I start to feel a little better, another thought comes up. The doctor went to tell my husband about our decision. And I did not go with him. I was afraid. And already grieving. But now I think I’m such a wimp for at least not being there with the doctor and holding his hand. When the time came to remove the breathing tube, I was with him and all our children were there. We each took turns talking to him. I talked to him first. And then last. I held his hand while they removed the tube. I’m glad I was there. But I still feel guilt over not being there to tell him about the decision. And giving him the chance to respond or ask us to wait or to tell me it was ok. He cried when we all said our goodbyes. He never took his eyes off of me. I miss him. And I wonder if I did the right thing.

[@ethanross1426]

My dad passed away from cancer when I was 11 years old. Im 27 now. Also, I had a friend pass suddenly in 2015 from a heart attack. In 2016, one of my middle school best buds committed suicide. In 2017 my closest friend whom I had been close with since 6th grade committed suicide as well. In 2019, my other close friend died due to getting hit by a semi on a highway. Part of me thinks he did it on purpose, as he was on foot and not driving. Alot of me wonders why I'm still here and what I could've done to help those things, but since my closest friends have died, a large portion of me died with them. I miss them so much.

[@WerewolfVampire625]

My former coworker from my first job died two years ago. We weren't beer drinking buddies but he was one of the few people that didn't make me want to punch him. He died of a heart attack and as much i hate to speak ill of the dead, he was a little big. I was a little round too and when COVID happened, i started to lose weight. My coworker had left long before COVID but we keep tabs on Facebook. When he died, I was saddened but not as much as I am now. I have lost like 45 lbs and I think his death makes me feel guilty now because I got out of that former life and he didn't.

[@margaretkvinnherad8952]

I'm wondering if I might have been liveing with survivors guilt for 18 years... When I was 4 my mother got pregnant. I was so happy cause I was finally going to become a big sister. My grandmother had asked me if I wanted it to be a boy or a girl. And I had answered that I wanted it to be a girl, so that we could play with dolls together. After not too long, my mother had a miscarriage. It had been a boy. We gave him a name, and even had a funeral. I can remember pulling at my mothers skirt when we were standing by the grave, cause I was bored and wanted to go home. A year later, when I was 5, my mother became pregnant again, and we were all just as excited as last time. And just like last time, my grandmother asked me if I wanted it to be a boy or a girl, and I had again answered that I wanted it to be a girl, so we could play with dolls together. And again, my mother had a miscarriage. I can remember standing in our liveing room, my parants fixing with the little coffin. I'd made a tiny blanket in kindergarten that I was very pround of, and laid in the bottom of the coffin. Me and my father went outside to the garden, and I was allowed to pick some of my mothers nicest flowers so that we could have them in the coffin, and I remember seeing her, my tiny little sister. She was not too much bigger then my hand, and I remember seperating my thumb and pointy finger as much as I could, and that she was only a little bigger than that. She had two eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears, arms and legs and all her fingers and toes, and I could see that it was a tiny baby. She was my little sister, and she was dead. One more year past, and I turned 6, and again my mother got pregnent. And once more my grandmother asked me if I wanted it to be a boy or a girl, but this time I had answerd "I don't care if it is a boy or a girl as long as it's alive". My new little sister lived. And two years later I got another littlesister. My grandmother had thought it was so sweet what I had answered when my sister was born, but the through is that I was terrified of loosing another one of my little siblings. I can't remember when I started philosophying of the meaning of life and death, and I remember getting a really strained relationship to God, cause if he was all mighty and all knowing, then why did he kill my little brother and little sister? I can remember crying myself to sleep at the age of 12, praying to God that he would take me, and in return give my dead siblings a chance at life. After that I left my faith, and started hating God as if he were the devil. Cause if he really was real, he was no God of mine after what he had done. The first time I ever was suicidal, I was 15, and it ended up being something that would come back a few times a year. Sometimes I felt like I had a reason to be so depressed, but other times I became suicidal when I loved my life. I felt like I was liveing on borrowed time. I felt like I wasn't meant to live for that long. That I had overstayed my welcome. That I had had a good life, and I was okay with that. Sure it would be nice to get to experience more of life, but I was satisfied with what I had already gotten. I went to a psychologist at the age of 19, after haveing been sexually assaulted the year before, and I was again suicidal. My psychologist asked me if I was dreading the future since I didn't want to live any more, but I said no. I really did believe that I would be happy in the future, but I still didn't want a future. He seemed really puzzled by this and said that he had never met anyone suicidal that really, wholeheartedly, believe that his/her future would be great, and still wanted to end it all. It wasn't before some days ago, I'm now 23, that I started thinking about how a guy I knew of was liveing with survivors guilt after having been in a car crash and survived, while a friend of his had died, that I really started thinking. Do you think the reason why I've always kept wanting to die, is becouse some part, way inside me, still believes that if I sacrifice myself, my younger siblings will have a chances at life? That I might feel like I'm on the swing that is life, haveing fun, but I know that there are people I love standing in line behind me, wanting to use the swing next. So I want to get of to give them thair turn? I really need some answers, I hope someone reads this and can give me some advice❤🙏

[@otherwho2006]

I was wondering would it possible for a video about moving on after multiple losses? My father died suddenly in 2021 from a heart attack no-one could have predicted and six months later my younger sister died from breast cancer. My very old cat was put to sleep this year due to illness. I am finding it very complex to navigate multiple losses and a combined and separate grief. I don’t think I’ve even really had a chance to grief my cat yet. I would love to see a video with some advice about managing many losses

[@phyllisjackson4322]

I can relate. Seek professional therapist. You are not alone. Live your life as your lost loved ones would want you to.Honor them by living well and sharing your compassions🤗

[@marcellofunhouse1234]

Not everyone has money for a therapist.. I know I don't I just lost my mom 7 months ago to cancer out of nowhere

[@PinkysMom.31]

This has definitely been the longest process of my life. It’s as if every one of the deaths I’ve experienced all came to haunt me. What could I have done?? It feels like a deep ache or longing that I can’t rid myself of. It’s ruined my life completely. I feel horrible most of the time. I’m still distraught. I no longer like outside. I’ve isolated completely because I now feel that it’s all been my fault. This grief is like a load that I can’t not carry. I am hurting deeply. No matter how happy I pretend to be, it haunts me.

[@PeachesCourage]

My son my only lover died Nov of 2020 of a stroke suddenly at 47 Yrs I am a scapegoat of the family, In other words, they were there for me right after my son died However since I disagreed with the covid problem and had learned it didn't exist from books too They shut me out, as usual, They shut my son and me out for many years This is unbelievable because I WAS looking for guilt after loss for days Not a life saver however it helps me to understand the life process since I'm in a box and don't have anyone to really talk to. I've felt so dead well not exactly it's as if I can't cope with it and I turned it off However, my grief catches me suddenly and it's pain Thank you for being there so glad I found this site

[@mammybelle7302]

My son was 4 when he passed on December 4th/99. I woke up from a dream of him this morning. I woke up with a heavy heart... I feel guilty living a life without him, I feel guilty when it comes to any celebrations. Christmas is upon me and I dont know how to enjoy. I dont know how to live a life with enjoyment without him. These questions and feelings are all new to me. How does a parent move on?

[@karieroznak6884]

I cried the whole time you spoke

[@msmr5963]

I survived my family of origin, my brother didn't. I was removed and then told by the people who took me that they "saved me" and I was lucky to be alive. I try to connect with my extended family bc I'm desperate to belong, but I have relative privilege this side of my family...this compounds my survivor's guilt and feeling like I have been given something and I don't deserve it. I think I've internalised the belief (from the survivor's guilt) that I shouldn't have been born at all, and to remediate it I have to take responsibility for uplifting those in my family with less "privilege" (it's relative, I don't have much tbh)... and to try to fit in as much as possible so I don't make them feel uncomfortable about our difference. My therapist keeps bringing me back to survivor's guilt bc I get very involved in advocacy/social justice etc to a point where I'm not just being motivated to improve situations for those who are marginalised, but I am also being driven to appease my survivor's guilt and inflated responsibility bc I was "saved" from my family of origin :/ guess it's time to feel the grief and challenge the beliefs...

[@Obseye777]

As a therapist, I can’t tell you how resourceful and affirming your information is. Thank you Jo!

[@dynamicdiana333]

Thank you for sharing this one. I didn't realize that I have survivors guilt. Now my therapist and I can take a different angle to address it. My mom passed away 2 years ago and I'm still having difficulty participating in my own life. ( I'd rather sleep & feel close to her. )

[@kateburrows6937]

I did experience this after my mother committed suicide in 2005 I did start to feel better after some counselling in 2013 from SOBS charity and also after moving abroad .. 😍

[@dawnroberts8649]

When I was 7 I was crossing my 5 yr old sister across the street, she was killed by a hit and run driver. Though I didn’t realize the consequences of telling her to run across the street I absolutely cannot forgive myself for her death. I was so little but it was my fault. Where do you go from there? It’s been almost 53 years ago I am devastated every single day.

[@anthonyromero9374]

Thank you for this.

[@shannonthibeault1586]

This is exactly what I'm going through. This hits hard..

[@jill.1617]

Definitely

[@helenkornilova9849]

thank you very much for your advice. I have recently lost one of the most valuable humans in my life... and the things is I know he'd want me to be happy, So the sooner I get the grief over with ( or not sooner, rather in the best manner) the more I can be the person he loves.. ( loved, past tense). Where I live and with my current situation it is hard for me to focus on the healthy things I did and the healthy habits I established .. You are right, grief is a sneaky b ... To anyone who is also going through grief right now - you are not alone.

[@idahospudgirlidahospudgirl4998]

I have guilt of not knowing my daughter was so depressed she took her life , Even though I checked in with her every day and the day before her suicide she said “ it’s ok if I have a bad day and cry , I’ll get into counseling soon, please stop worrying “ 💔💔💔💔

[@helenkornilova9849]

my prayers go to you and my deepest condolences. To let you know, you are not alone. Wishing you lots of strength and I truly hope you are surrounded by family. I lost my best friend and life partner to suicide. My prayers go to you.

[@ggavinkru]

I think I have survivors guilt. Long story short, I moved to Hawaii in 2002. Between 2004 and 2009 my mom and my older and younger brothers, all 3, died of lung cancer, heroin overdose and intentional head on collision with a semi. I can't help but feel they would probably all still be here if I had stayed in California. I feel like I abandoned them. Extra weird, because as a child I developed abandonment issues when my dad ended up in a Thai prison for heroin smuggling.

[@biondna7984]

My beloved mate died of Alzheimer's almost two years ago. I ping-pong back and forth, between anger at him for living in a way that practically guaranteed he'd develop it, and guilt at myself because I didn't knock myself out to keep him alive, even knowing he wanted to die, to not live like that. I did what I could for him but stayed more focused on caring for my own health, which suffered as a result of his illness. Ironically, his daughter who resented me, provided me with a wider-open gate to just go ahead and live: she wanted to make me feel less valued by him, by telling me she overheard him talking about me, saying, "She's gonna be my nurse." How serious he was when he said it, I'll never know, because he'd also joke about something like that. But if it means he knew what was coming, I feel freer to just enjoy my life and serve others as I can.

[@honourlulu5562]

Thank you for this video , really helped me

[@1800bluemink]

Thank you Jo.

[@ML-HS]

This came just at a right time. Thank you.

[@leoniegray6404]

I feel so alone . I shouldnt be here .

[@kimberlybain9143]

I'm in the thick of this right now. Thanks for the video.

[@----m]

Thank you..

[@AvaConnolly-mh5vy]

My cousin died 4 years ago. (or somewhere around that period of time) . And I deal with massive sugars guilt and grief. I was very young maybe 6-8 when he had died. And even though I was not in the crash I have delt with survivors guilt a lot. I have been struggling with it for a long time now (around 2 years). I am a young woman dealing with depression and sh.......and I am in a miserable state ik that I am only young but I deal with a lot of trauma. Im truly sorry to anyone else out there who has also gone through or still are going through survivors guilt. I know that this may not help much but it's not your fault sweetheart and you couldn't have done anything to change that outcome. You did the best you could and that's okay. I love you and we'll get through this together sweetheart

[@MADELENEC1]

I FEEL GUILY ALL THE TIME

[@hearme4581]

I have it from my grandma passing on from the vaccine. It was a traumatic time watching her suffer. Then making the decision to not give her treatment and let her pass.

[@tatianao3543]

I do feel guilty for my son’s death. He ended his life at age 24. I feel that I have failed him…

[@marcellofunhouse1234]

I feel the same way about my mom she randomly died of cancer this year in jan

[@teresaflynn3864]

My son took his own life and I as his mom feel so very guilty 😢

[@jonpogue427]

I have had this.

[@pigletsbank437]

What if facts are facts (doctors were not open in sharing info about the medical state my husband was in, doctors were not open for specific medical knowledge about the patient that had and I wanted to share as a medical professional , and there was no way to make them do the nessecary because I was told I didn't work there. and both times I tried to arrange a transfer to another hospital I got denite , and in the end the doctors agreed on euthanasia without further explanation, they just did it. I have so much open questions