The 4 Stage Addiction of an Affair

Full of ups and downs, affairs are thrilling and intoxicating. You may find yourself, quite literally, addicted to the ride. On this Reaction Reaction, psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini explains how affairs impact our brain chemistry in four stages.
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Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
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[@michelleauker1162]

I'm working on myself. I am going to be okay. I am going to start exercising and eating rite. I just got a new home and it's beautiful and a new position at work. I Am blessed and I need to be happy alone

[@ArmyOne519]

Go Girl

[@AdamGosselin-zw9dg]

I hope I end up with your attitude. Great job!!

[@DouglasMoreland-qd5cz]

You are special..proud of you

[@bigal3248]

This totally describes my ex wife’s addiction to affairs. I ended our 20 year marriage 13 years ago and I’ve never been happier. I got full custody of my 3 kids. She on the other hand is lost, in ill health, and totally alone. I do pity her and pray for her recovery but what goes around comes around.

[@beachdiva9586]

I went thru this with my ex husband 10 years ago. After he "chose" the other women, he left our 12 year marriage. We divorced. She dumped him 24 months later. I'm now remarried to a wonderful man who will never do to me what my ex did.

[@carlel121]

You never know, things happen unexpectedly, I was always proud of myself of being very faithful to my partner, but when your marriage start falling down, and there is a chance then it’s easy to fall for it, because you are in a vulnerable place, and it’s not something you were looking for, it just happened, again he will never know unless it happens to him, however he can be faithful forever too, but never say NEVER!!

[@ArmyOne519]

Yea , ok 🙄

[@achatwithgoitse]

Beautiful!

[@coutureleotards]

I would hope that you have learned from your first marriage that cheating happens because the person has vilified their spouse enough to move foward to a new relationship, even while married! Another good thing to know is good marriages have cheaters too! Don't be naive or spiteful to your ex-husband believing your new marriage is golden chocolate drops. Your new marriage is just a new person with new issues to navigate, no human is perfect, we all make mistakes and none of us can change anyone.

[@gloriousjohnson1807]

I'm happy that you're happy, but, NEVER SAY NEVER!

[@tuffstuff2U]

Here's the solution: cheaters - nut up and be honest with your partner about what you want. Give them the respect of honesty, even if it means the relationship will be over. Your partner has a say too. Stop selfishly using other people to meet your unmet needs. You're not 2 years old. Act like an adult. Cheating is a form of cowardice on every level, emotionally and physically. If you're cheating, you're hurting people.

[@sumand1143]

Stfu

[@blueflame3531]

@@sumand1143 salty

[@tsherman393]

Possibly. Good points

[@plandemic7409]

The problem is, most affairs start as friendship. By the time they realise they have feelings for someone else, is already too late. Then you're trapped between two people: you don't wanna hurt your spouse but the dopamine you get from the lover is so powerful and addictive, you don't know what to do. Feeling if guilt develops, confusion. You might have kids, you might have retirement plans, but the addiction is so powerful. I get that the cheated person is in a far worse position, but the cheater (emotional or physical) is not the best position either. I'm talking about the ones that are in love, not the cheaters for a kick or sexual gratification

[@adrianajimenez4342]

I'm married and in love with someone else.

[@rhaipot18]

100% True, this is a betrayal traumatic experience. Destroying your marriage will cause much pain and damage to your family, relatives, friends and society. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. Your emotions can fool you and make your life miserable that you will regret it for the rest of your life.

[@rosemaryknight471]

My husband carried a torch for a previous affair partner for 30yrs texting and occasional visits . We are now in our 8o's and feel I have been living a lie.

[@nunyabizness32]

What starts in chaos, ends in chaos

[@tkaki6029]

The problem is that while the person who invited chaos into their lives, and their families life, deserves that outcome the people who suffer collateral damage don’t deserve it.

[@angelablackthorne3026]

That's not necessarily true.

[@DynamiteKid1224]

So true!

[@mr.wright9867]

This all happened during our dating life. I found out a little shortly after we were married, but I didn't find out how deep it went until years into the marriage. I found the texts. My spouse's first reaction was to threaten to end the marriage cause I went too far. Go figure.

[@DynamiteKid1224]

@@mr.wright9867 sad but that happens. You are victim not her. It's her way of escape. Remember the guilty flee. Thanks.

[@eastweston2683]

It wasn't all of sudden, it was subtle. What ended up as flood, started off as a puddle.

[@tsherman393]

Correct

[@somethingdifferent4u247]

Truest truth ever spoken.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

Then you had plenty of time to see what was happening and get out. My spouse had an affair. When I found out, I gave him a chance to save our 11 year relationship. He squandered it and went back to her. Around the same time he met her, I got contacted by someone who had carried a torch for me for years. When he admitted this to me, even though my relationship wasn't great, I immediately saw the danger of staying in contact w/ him and broke contact. It's as simple as that if you want to stay faithful. I passed the test, my spouse didn't.

[@PhenomenalwomanAllen]

Yes!!!!!! ❤

[@jerryramos82]

Let the person who had an affair go. Let them do this to their lover.

[@chitownbob9714]

I agree.

[@thelovelylife7451]

Or their lover to them. Haha! Sweet revenge

[@user-eq4il1jy6c]

Hope you are right..

[@angelablackthorne3026]

All love is like addiction. Affairs are not unique in that way. Most love begins with limerance.

[@thisgame2]

limerance is a bullshit word made up by couples needing to insulate the holes in there life choices w bullshit. sometimes they truly love the affair guy but since shes deciding to grind it out w beta boy hubby . these words make him feel like everything is smooth sailin. it was limerance he tells himself.

[@SaystheTruth3]

Exactly 💯 every relationship starts with Limerence aka falling in love. Whether you're cheating or not.

[@SaystheTruth3]

@@thisgame2 Yep! It gives false hopes to couples falling weak to affairs...

[@EButta71]

You NAILED this. This was exactly my experience stage by stage.

[@d-man3308]

This Video deserves way more views than that

[@patiencepeace1748]

Stage 1. A friendship stage Making compromises You start making little changes on yourself in line with the affair. Stage 2. Begin to boldly crossing lines Secrets life starts to develop The affair person becomes a major person in your life and have great influence on your life You stop worrying about someone finding about you, but worry about loosing ur affair partner Stage 3. Intimacy stage You have an increase sense of insecurity, panic and loss The idea of cutting the affair off is terrifying. Ending stage of the affair and possibility of saving your marriage Stage 4. Recovery of marriages. 10% of affairs end up in marriage, 75-80% of those affairs end in devorce.

[@carlel121]

Well I don’t care, if my marriage fail I won’t married again, marriage is a trapped, people stays there for convenience and not for love, sad but true!

[@floridashottest2538]

95% of them end up in divorce

[@phabeondominguez5971]

@@floridashottest2538 where can I see these stats?

[@phabeondominguez5971]

THANK YOU for this, was about to rewatch entire 9min video looking for this info again, specifically the stats in stage 4.. MUCH APPRECIATED

[@canyoncreeklabradors5942]

Hope they end up in an excruciating divorce

[@georgevue8175]

My wife looked 100% miserable during the 3 years that she was cheating on me, and wow around the house her temper was out of control. It was like she was possessed by demons.

[@NandiManyatsi]

How did you find out she was cheating

[@georgevue8175]

Her BF lived 2 hours away & I became suspicious when I saw high mileage on the car & when I checked the phone records I discovered she was cheating. @@NandiManyatsi

[@devadii24]

Because she was… a demonic spirit of lust and adultery

[@mmm24ist]

It happend to me as well. The same thoughts here - she was behaving like possessed by demons. I had goosebumps few times out of fear. Even her voice was 'changing' when she was screaming at me few times. It was creepy.

[@don66hotrod94]

My wife was teaching Sunday School while having an affair. She thought that somehow God had brought them together. I thought she was on drugs after hearing some of the nutty things she said.

[@3draaiboerdery46]

Your Presentation was spot on. Exactly how it works. At some point people knew that they are playing with fire, but it is to late. They leave a trail of devastation behind. You will die with the emosional damage inside you. It fades but never go away.

[@user-yf7zc4ut5s]

Communication Matters a lot in a relationship Trust is the most important

[@user-rc2xs5ti2w]

I once thought like this but now I am mature enough to think that any trust is unreal. We can’t trust even in ourselves if our frequency is low.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Great video, great advice!

[@kobismith]

That's the second time I've heard that 10% of affairs end with the partners staying together statistic.

[@northshorelight35]

I really do believe it's an addiction. When I first got into this mess, I was on my way to divorcing my husband. But it was the lover who really helped me go all the way with the divorce. Even though I knew divorce was the right thing to do, I still believe my ex-husband is a better person than the lover and to this day am still indecisive about it. Anyways, the lover was suppose to just be a distraction to help me get through the divorce. This lover has commitment phobia, has a lot of red flags, and I already have a bad past with him. I was hoping he was going to continue being like that so that I wouldn't take him serious. However, he was acting the complete opposite. Started selling me an illusion and even behaved in a way that won my trust. Now he is distancing, pulling away and my ego is bruised. I believe this is more about my ego because throughout the whole time I kept telling myself that I can't be serious about this person. But my heart has developed an unhealthy attachment.

[@laurawalker546]

I also have walked a road similar, divorce is very painful and very hard to go through. I went to a divorce CARE program and they really recommended not getting involved with anyone for quite some time but not many people can really stick to that rule. I certainly did not because I felt I had too much pain in my body to cope with.

[@paulfool8728]

The best explanation I ever heard ; direct to the point and worth hearing . If only people will listen to what she says I'm certain a lot of marriages will be saved from being shattered !

[@debbychastain3129]

Good advice for everyone involved. Trust is everything and you do need to grieve. Trust has to be earned back and its hard.

[@bonniemchugh1542]

Thank you so much for this incredible video. Your delivery and presentation was most helpful!

[@RiseUpToYourAbility]

The best thing to do isn’t to quit drugs but not to start them in the first place. Being the partner of a cheating spouse must be the worst. You suffer through all the worst parts of the marriage while the affair partners enjoys all the fun and intimacy. You have your heart and trust broken and then you spend enough more time rebuilding this broken marriage. I say forget it and move on.

[@TheOlmonroe1]

Wow... She really broke it down.

[@RashmiPeriwal]

Excellent video...m subscribing ...it open my eyes

[@juiceknot]

This happened, still happening to me. EVERYTHING she said is how it happen. Her coworker, referred to as “friend”, 23yrs her junior, he lives with his girlfriend & her mother, refuses to end it. I’m leaving

[@ArmyOne519]

That what happened to me as well. He's just a Friend, meanwhile they were checking into different Hotels in the Area 🙄

[@basilleavesandhoneybees483]

Me three!

[@SonPham-ts5gc]

@@basilleavesandhoneybees483LOL

[@ma.luisaquinton1973]

Thanks for the nice explanation..

[@DouglasMoreland-qd5cz]

The emotional pain of cheating is unbearable for all involved including the cheaters who think they are in heaven then wake up to find a hellish twilight zone..I don’t know how the cheating spouse can look their children in the eye knowing what they are doing..its disgusting..I pray for anyone who has lived this pain as I have..God bless you all🙏

[@williammiller7050]

You are the best very accurate. It’s Nice to hear from a professional 👍👍👍

[@jbo427]

Very enlightening.very reliable.

[@ronaldstark8342]

Staying together is not sn indication that the marriage can be saved. While it may be true that a majority of folks stay, studies show that a small percentage of these marriages are ever truly happy ones. Therefore, I think the best route is to divorce. Most betrayed spouses never really get passed this. The betrayal is always in their consciousness. I have found this to be true among the many betrayed spouse I have talked to.

[@natashadickson4819]

Not everyone chooses happiness. Some people just want to keep their marital household intact to avoid the expense of divorce and the stress of a child custody battle and the hassle of visitation arrangements. Getting back into the dating pool at an older age means slim pickings unless you're still somewhat attractive.

[@kerrymillar1267]

People that have affairs have an insecure attachment style. The issues that come with that are still there with or without the affair.

[@lisabeausejour6934]

Excellent video. And you have gorgeous skin!

[@clowndriver5576]

Everything she said is so accurate. I've passed all the stages and now I'm recovering. I did things wrong due to lack of communication in my relationship. All I can say is having an affair is awful. I lost my peace, my sleep, and concentration in my work and studies. If you feel worthless and your partner is not treating you well, try to have a conversation and be honest about the situation you are in. It will improve your relationship 100% if your partner really cares and loves you, otherwise, if they don't give you ears, it will be time to step out and think about your life without that person. Listening is fundamental to a strong and life long relationship.

[@dher8052]

I strongly agree with you my AP is a very lonely woman I’ve given her 110% of my attention and pretty much given up on my wife who’s been fighting till this day to keep our marriage together my AP turns to Social media so much I suspect she’s carrying other relationships on social media she’s 50 and highlights how’s she’s crushing on young 30 year olds I’m in my ealry 40s I get anxiety really bad when she interactings with these young men really makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel really insecure I’ve just about had it and want things over with her I miss her and it’s only been a few days all her kids are grown and out of the house her husband works about 90 hours a week so it leaves her pretty much single wether she’s doing something or not it drives me crazy to think that she is 6 years we’ve been having this full on affair and I’m pretty trying to let go I want no contact with her and she alwys calls me back this time it feels like she’s done herself and I’m good with it I will need some kind of therapy cause I feel like I’m gonna lose it at times I will hope I never do this again

[@everready2903]

@@dher8052 Pls try and associate her with pain. Think of how you were BEFORE you knew her. At a minimum you probably had peace of mind. If you want it back you have to go through the pain of breaking your need for her and try to rekindle the love with your long suffering wife. Good Luck!

[@rajis9103]

How u come out pls tell me how meny days taken to come out

[@Fisva]

The same was with me, fortunately it's over. I don't recommend to do it to anyone. Ever.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@Fisva So you had an affair and managed to end it? Did you manage to save your marriage? My spouse of 11 yrs had an affair w/ a girl half our age. Since he brought her home as the daughter we never had and introduced her as needing help because her dad just died, I fell for it. I eventually figured it out and gave him a chance if he ended it w/ her. He never really did and a painful half a year commenced, where I found out he was back at it. He's out now. He never really wanted to work it out w/ me, just wanted to smooth things over and continue w/ her. He's still w/ her. The pain is incredible. He says he regrets now, but I think the regret is that he couldn't have both.

[@nethmimaduhansi7984]

When ur advising, I feel like my mother is like you.. Thank u so much for every word during this session .. ❤️

[@ladonnadavis6430]

True addiction feel good chemicals no other man made feel me this way🥰👍

[@jbo427]

They are in stage 1 and i already caught them! Instant friendship and unaware closeness!

[@pointedspider]

My affair started about 7mos ago and it has developed into something special! Who knows the outcome!

[@terrywade3696]

@@pointedspider I already know your outcome! Catastrophic damage & debris! No one can trust you now. Not even your lover! Nothing “special” is happening. You’re just another cheater cheating themself with a fantasy that this is true love! Karma never forgets an address!

[@everready2903]

@@terrywade3696 Try not to take it personal. The other person perhaps very subtly succumbed to limerence. We're human. It can happen and often does. It's extremely hard to fight off once it's gotten hold.

[@everready2903]

@@pointedspider How is the outcome?

[@thelovelylife7451]

@@everready2903 Nah. That’s BS. I don’t even put myself into a situation where I can be tempted. I’ve been cheated on before and I’ve cheated. It’s the most horrible experience and not worth the pain.

[@mgu1N1n1]

Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!

[@kevinmclemore1476]

Nicely done.

[@oambitiousone7100]

If the marriage was gratifying, why would an affair even be tempting?

[@mammabearjo5483]

It's great that you can share this

[@zhangyi9496]

This is so very true. Thank you for explaining what the aftermath of stage 3, 4 and the impact it causes. The betrayal of trust from the cheating spouse/GF/BF's partner will never gain that trust they once had. And it'll never be the same. Everything they do. They will be questioned. So be prepare to answer those aftermath. Once you cross that invisible line and into the cheating stage. You will lose what you once had. Like the flow of river. It never flows backward. So better think about it. Being cheated on varies from person to person. And how they coupe up to you.

[@Alessandro1983]

I take it youve been cheated on Thanks for the advice

[@CarmenGomez-mq2bc]

🤙 being married 2 my first time I LASTED w my HUSBAND 9 1/2 my heart told me he was something not to Good! So a let go my thoughts! BUT BUT WHEN I DREAM THEY CHEATED ON ME BOYYYY! ITS COME TRUE! ONE DAY I PASSED TO HAVE SOME LUNCH WITH MY HUSBAND AT HIS WORK SURPRISE!! DID THEY GOT A SURPRISE 🤬🤬🤬 HE WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH HIS LOVER! AND THE GIRL CONFESSED TO ME HE SAY HE WAS GETTING A DIVORCE 😳 I DIVORCE HIM. AND NOW GOT MARRIED FOR THE SECOND TIME FOR 30 YEAR AND ALSO GOING TRUE IT I FORGIVE HIN THE FIRST TIME! BUT NOT THE SECOND AND HE IS A NARCISSIST VERY CONTROLLED AND I HAVE SOME SUSPICIONS AND COUPLED things 🤬🤬🤬 you can trust no one I never thought I was going tru it AGAIN 😔🙏 But iam a strong lady My Lord going to Help me AGAIN! So I could continue my LIFE Always in my Journey Amen 🙏⛵👊🏅⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓ have a blessed DAY To All!

[@vrijmatipersaud1256]

That's right they certainly don't know what they are missing out in all the time they have wasted with that cheap low life idiot

[@rrurban]

I think you’re right. Every subtle change in the cheating spouses demeanor creates insecurity for the other spouse and that’s no way to live in love

[@ginachucheong7053]

I listen to many relationship gurus and all the back and forth that the married person is engaging in,is like a thief. As soon as u find out,show them the door. The need to deal with themselves and give u a chance to move forward.

[@MaryJoRapini]

It would be so difficult to take them back but many couples decide they’d rather try to restore the relationship rather than split.

[@rrurban]

22 years of marriage and then my wife had 2 simultaneous affairs over 4-6 months and both are over to the best of my knowledge and I’m still here loving and forgiving her by the grace of God…for my children

[@thelovelylife7451]

Once the children are grown up, are you going to leave?

[@williamclayton9566]

What have been the consequences for her?

[@sunil5713]

What a video I have seen..explained sent percent facts..

[@92life]

This is almost exactly what happened to my soon to be ex-wife she's in stage 4. Good luck with those odds!

[@tkaki6029]

Heartbreaking

[@DynamiteKid1224]

So true!

[@justme8837]

My uncle was a chronic cheater and for him, he ended up leaving my aunt and marrying his mistress. The marriage lasted until his passing so for him, it was "okay". My other uncle had a mistress that he brought to the US when he, his wife and kids moved here. She always lived near his family and he even had children with her, my aunt babysat them so she could work. He had 2 homes built next to each other so it was easy for him. Granted this is an extreme situation, his wife didn't care, she said she was over having sex and didn't like to socialize or travel so he took his mistress. My aunts sister came to live with them here in the US and he slept with her too. I had two affairs in two of my marriages, it was toward the end of the marriages when I had checked out emotionally already. It is exhausting to have an affair, I even got a second cell phone so I could communicate with him. They both ended pretty quickly, I think they were more the push I needed to end the marriages. My co worker and I were starting to have what you call an emotional affair. We never exchanged numbers but used to meet for 15 or 20 min after work when he would run errands and we would talk. We decided to cool it but still chat at work and seem to find reasons to run into each other in the break room or at the coffee station. He is a nice man and I have worked with both his adult children so that was partly why we felt like we needed to chill. We all need to be honest when it comes to our marriages and if we are truly not happy or have fallen out of love then we need to respect our partners enough to end it the right way instead of hurting them even more. I was 30 years younger when the affairs happened and my partners never knew about them but it could have hurt them worse than they already were hurting and maybe even cause issues for them with trust

[@marafenton8178]

Mine was as close as to what you said its uncanny. Mine was a narc though. Pure hell of 9 years. I walked away with my kids. Still scarred 20 + years later.

[@teeteeme5752]

I'm about to have one because my partner has done it for years, and I recently found out. I am confused, don't trust him anymore, and I feel like an idiot. I met someone. Nothing has happened. We just talk, have a laugh, but haven't gone the extra mile. He is so handsome, single. I like him and I think of him a lot.

[@thebeecubed]

This is so much what has happened so far with my partner, we are broken up now, but his AP is married and won't leave her husband, I left him, I won't be a second choice, but I know how deeply lost he is. We have a child together and if he ever comes out of it, and does the work, I would still try to heal us I think, but right now I just have to love myself and be here as a friend when he is willing to open up.

[@EButta71]

I have 100% been addicted to my affair partner. Smh I'm 4 weeks no contact and I know that I am in recovery and if I allow it I could let him in again.

[@vilifyahuman]

I was 2 weeks without seeing this girl I had an emotional affair with and we happen to walk in the same room at the same time, got to talking for 10 min. And the rush of emotions came flooding back and it's now harder to not want to talk to her again. To the point I'm willing to risk everything to be in her company again. So just keep this story in mind when seeing your guy, that this might happen.

[@EButta71]

@@vilifyahuman my comment was from two years ago and all I can say is you are exactly right. We stopped for a year and picked back up a year later and now stopped again for good.

[@coachevy2851]

They get sloppy and leave trials behind. They don't care that people are noticing that they are together.

[@munawwarfatima2799]

Just perfect

[@georgevue8175]

Excellent video describes exactly how my wife behaved while she was cheating. When the relationship with her lover was not going well she would start giving me lots of sex but soon we would start fighting & she would run back to the lover. It went back & forth like that for 3 years until I found out she was cheating. I quietly moved out hoping the other man would take my place & start paying the bills but no such luck he ran away at the thought of having her 24/7/365.

[@NatureLover65107]

Great explanation 🙏 Love from india ❤️

[@user-rc2xs5ti2w]

I never would agree with the idea that someone would have influence on me because we developed some physical chemistry as a pattern. My soulmate is my higher self ONLY.

[@lebotrevor7037]

I dated this man for 8 years, cohabited with him & thought of him as my life partner , he messed up & i left to get married to anoda man , we v bin married for 12 years, but recently got separated & about to divorce. My ex boyfriend got married , now he is pursuing me.my husband never celebrated me , he d long asked 4 a divorce in 2011 & i feel v never been happy & l b happy with my ex.

[@user-nf6bw9zm8d]

My father had affair and in the end he married his lover and still stayed true in that marriage. Guess that's rare.

[@user-nf6bw9zm8d]

Maybe the main reason is due to the Limited resources. He Has to do sth to avoid the ruin.

[@laurawalker546]

I don't think it is as rare as the statistics say. I have seen at least three couples who had affairs and married their lovers after getting a divorce with her original spouse. And they were long-term marriages to like 25 years. And some even longer. So while I believe there will be some problems down the road as no couple is perfect together, I think second marriages that started as affairs do work more than statistically published. It is unfortunate. I think it also depends on whether a man is a consummate cheater or not, whether the affair partner will be longer lasting... and a second good marriage

[@noneya2355]

because he was probably older

[@vrijmatipersaud1256]

Wow this is absolutely true. I am going through this very drama with my husband and he thinks less about me. I don't exist in his EYES I just don't care jack about him too One Day he will FINALLY realize what he did was wrong but it will be too late for him I am not at all worried cause I can find a replacement in a blink of an eye Amen

[@reinamataya4213]

Well saiid mam

[@jaeldepardo9035]

The information in this video is terrifying

[@atkins8644]

Cheaters are also liars. Period. Until it has been repented no one can safe you except yourself. Cheaters will always find another cheater to cheat. What more to say?

[@suzihazlove4979]

You look stunning. Your voice reminds me of another youtuber... shes grey haired... Ty for this video.

[@MaryJoRapini]

Thank you, Suzi!

[@ranookaramdhanee1638]

You are super auwsum znd very informative thank you

[@ChrisB0001]

Thankyou.

[@melanielucero7976]

This is right on thw mark

[@jensbornagain]

I found out my husband had a 2 year affair and he denies all of it

[@syedshahid8731]

Wise

[@medic13601]

Once a cheat always a cheat

[@northshorelight35]

I would prefer that my marriage be saved. Even though we are legally divorced, we are still culturally married and my husband is still invested. However, I can't be married because of what he did. That's why I divorced him in the first place. I was just afraid of being alone from divorce and then alone from the affair.

[@robleekay6271]

I just sent this to my wife. We've been married for 30 years, I recently found out she's been having an affair for the past 3yrs.

[@craggyexplores3070]

She's now instantly disqualified

[@New-bw4kz]

She got bored after 30 yrs and someone started giving her attention..

[@rapsack7058]

I dont belive the numbers of relationships that survive affairs.....I think they are way lower. I think the therapist here sees only the couples whitch want to try it. And i am sure many just break up and see no reason to try to reconsiliate.

[@salayir1144]

Do they really come to senses?! Ever ?!! Does that happen to most ?!!

[@MaryJoRapini]

Usually not, there needs to be an intervention of some sort.

[@user-cb7uz8yk4w]

Thanks

[@misha791]

It goes thru phases to the married men going out with a single middle age woman - it will be fun then high and high then lowest to the low then it get toxic and your like why is she pressuring me or why is she giving me ultimatums also the guilt trip is there something about conscientious neuro mind. Then you just jet out if you still have the logic since you start questioning will this work if I leave my first? Will it work on the second time? What if not? I will loose a lot especially on the system- my house, half or all of my bank accounts, my investments and my lifestyle hobbies. So I chose my hobbies - since I still have my freedom and I can do whatever I want and not worry about the new woman who is already “controlling” though there was connection but - quirks came up and red flags started showing so I decided to just keep it light and be friends in a way. It’s good to practice meditation since it did help a lot - we are humans and we make mistakes just remember on any outcomes good or bad we cannot impose or manipulate a person on what we want them to do. It’s better to practice Buddhism and learning to accept yourself and attach to nothing even in relationship, marriage or affairs since we humans have monkey mind feelings. 🍌 just be kind because love hurts, life is a journey and a process of learning things. 🫰 Meditation and the Bible gave me real peace like a powerful light on a chaotic mind.

[@mariefricchione437]

Affairs last forever. They never end. The effects go on and on whether you are in the marriage or divorced. This affair partner has robbed happiness from the marriage . Forever!

[@gbordenflanagan]

Anybody know what the outtro music is? Cool and sounds familiar

[@shepardsmith3235]

Its scary what she says and this happens an incredible amount every day. The moral of the story is morals. And when you dont have any or have a limited amount this is what can happen. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself that question.

[@shawnsmith5917]

I'd know that neck and layered funky necklaces ANYWHERE. That was in another time and another life. To the victor go the SPOILS... literally.

[@junglemom1263]

You dated Mary Jo?

[@jefflep1]

Holy fuck. This is exactly what my wife did the me.

[@ArmyOne519]

My 2 ex wives did this to me also

[@northshorelight35]

Here is my story: I was in a great marriage until I found out that my husband had molested our daughter. Obviously, I couldn’t stay in the marriage but emotional I was still attached to him. That’s when an old flame appeared in my life again and I thought what the heck. I was in a really bad place. I started seeing the old flame while going through the divorce. But at the same time still feeling attached to the ex. What the ex did is disgusting and unforgivable but at the same time, he was such a great father and helpful to our other children. It just so happens that this occurred in 2021 when I was having all sorts of financial difficulties. It’s not like I could afford to move the kids out or even stay in our current home.

[@shepardsmith3235]

According to a 2021 survey by Health Testing Centers, about 24% of marriages that have been affected by infidelity continue together. However, some studies say that only 5-7% of couples who have an affair end up getting married, and that over 75% of those marriages end in divorce within five years. So one or two percent of affairs result in long term marriages of the affair partners. So is it worth it to destroy your marriage, your family and yourself for this??? Shows you that APs are operating on emotions and emotions will let you down. But they dont think about this. The bottom line is they dont think. Period

[@brendanfreeman2134]

Mary Jo would you ever say show this to a soon to be ex? I've tried to work on myself and learned so much. But my wife had an emotional affair and asked for divorce. It became physical and her lover broke it off and wont talk to her. She is addicted still 7 months later. I was not a good husband for a long time. But I have shown as much love and understanding as I could.

[@fairplayer7435]

Sounds like its a toxic situation on both sides. Assuming that you both ever loved each other, and have enough emotional and material investment in your marriage, I think it is possible to salvage this. But as a starting point you may have to try out a good old separation. Staying in your marriage because you were feeling guilty and out of a sense of obligation to right your wrongs, was never going to be enough. You have to stay because you see value in it. Separating temporarily may help to refocus and remind you that life is also about the freedom to own your own happiness away from spouses or lovers.

[@brendanfreeman2134]

@@fairplayer7435 yes we did seperate. She asked for divorce and we worked on ourselves but we both had no identity alone. It was very hard for me and still is not to obsess on her and work on myself. And she still wants something with the other person (female) a friendship I guess. We both want what we cant have.

[@decoy2636]

@@brendanfreeman2134 you're in an untenable situation seems like to me. I'm freshly divorced after 38 years 40 counting dating with a woman who expresses unhappiness and I did back flips trying to spark some life back in our relationship. She turns out to be a covert narcissist and the abuser, I'm in therapy and she won't admit nothing or accept any of the blame for our marriage failing. I will not own any more than half of the blame. Final decree was 1 16 20 so I'm a free man. She ripped my heart out and left me talking to myself last Feburary. Were still doing us with no strings and when the chin music starts at her place I leave and my spot I run her ass off. She responds much better to Mr. Asshole than Mr. Nice Guy ever was treated, take her back hell no

[@brendanfreeman2134]

@@decoy2636 sorry your good thru that. All we can do is ourselves. Cant change anyone.

[@decoy2636]

@@brendanfreeman2134 yes its all about us now just like I've been told so many times. We loved them so much we would have paid the ultimate price ourselves to spare them. My girls really don't care at all about me,and both mother and daughter gaslight me They act like I just fell off the turnip truck yesterday and will lie to me after climbing a ladder or on the ground it don't matter. All I have is my little truth, it ain't gonna get bigger or sound better and its easy to tell over and over. They tell one sweet lie and my truth ... Its still the truth and I don't get it twisted not even if I've told it 20 times. Its the ssme.Their lies sound better every time.

[@thibodeaux99]

Wish I’d seen this 7 months ago.

[@trisharitter]

Mine was stalking, harassment, blackmail and rape. It happened several times and he almost killed me. My husband just found out a couple of months ago. It's post 2 year's now. Stage one for my marriage and family. It's killing us all!! I don't know how to help my husband or myself? Changing ones thinking and complete lifestyle change is sooo scary.. This is the first time I have ever made a comment on this issue.. I have to let go and let GOD!!!

[@decoy2636]

Be grateful you have the opportunity to mend fences and start off again. Yes by all means always keep your faith with you just like a msn in the army keeps his weapon in hand. If he lays his rifle down ad is unable to reach it then carry him off the field before in theopen

[@trisharitter]

Being stalked like an animal and raped isn't exactly my idea of an affair. It happened 3 times over a two year span before I told my husband. He's not talking it very well. We are best friends and do everything together ❤️ It weights on his mind often thought. Then all the trama comes back for me. We're working though as best as we can.

[@decoy2636]

@@trisharitter honey he is your man. Are you afraid for him or are you in fear of what he is capable of. I promise you this if my ex had of told me another man raped her I might be out of pocket myself right about now. Honey some men will take the ball and put it in the end zone, quick, fast and in a hurry for someone raping the woman they love. That's a low form of life were speaking of. I'm surprised you didn't arm your self either after the first time. Idk about you but some women like to be submissive to monsters

[@ArmyOne519]

That's no Affair . That's Criminal

[@lolliisabusdriver.4447]

You are not alone. ❤

[@Unit68]

What about when a person reaches out to an ex after their young adult child suicided, and the grief and trauma exposes cracks in their relationship (not the mother of his child, and a relationship which is quite toxic by this stage). How does one deal with their trauma and grief and support them while being a 'secret' because his current partner would be jealous and has always been jealous because your ex has never really stopped loving you?

[@BLACKMONGOOSE13]

You don’t. When affairs end they are ended permanently. No more contact, period. There are no second chance rules in this area. If she is still reaching out to to you her marriage is still not healthy because she did not do the recovery work she should have done and is still addicted to you. Break it off and stop contributing to damaging her marriage; she is not your responsibility. If she wants you over her husband she can end her marriage and find you. Thats that only way it works. Her husband may be the problem but she has to make the decision of him or you. Any secrets kept outside of marriage violate the marriage and the exclusive confidentiality that two married people share. You are not only NOT invited but are not entitled to any secrecy with her. Hate to break it to bud but as long as she is married you have no right. None. Zero. Not your place. Move on.

[@suzihazlove4979]

You ARE SPOT ON. the high and the worry cortisol overload... Omg why do affairs end??I was caught and still with him, the lover. And i was going through withdrawals when the honeymoon phase ended. We live separately. Argue alot. But I truly care for him. Can this work??? Btw, you look stunning!!!!

[@clowndriver5576]

As she said, only 10% of affairs work out. You probably are among the 90%.

[@gal2727]

What happened?

[@suzihazlove4979]

@@gal2727 what happened when?

[@gal2727]

@@suzihazlove4979 …. Are you still together with your lover?

[@MaryJoRapini]

Affairs are based on lies; therefore they usually end & the ones that don’t have trust issues the longer the affair goes on. Thank you for trusting me w/ this advice.

[@Eastcapitalindia]

I am on my second stage, Thanks for the insight, Now i ll do it safely for every one involved. It feels great! You must be wondering why i am choosing to make mistake knowingly with pros & cons? It simply gives a sense that i am breathing & mortal.

[@kerrymillar1267]

You’ll loose everything and when all the chemicals fade you’ll realise how ordinary the person you lost it all for was. But bash on.

[@lizhonors526]

Help! I'm realizing that I'm in the beginning of stage 2 with a man that i have considered a dear friend of mine for over a decade. It started when the four of us (me and my husband, him and his wife) went out for drinks and when the two of us had a moment alone, it slipped out on both sides that there was a mutual attraction. Ever since then, we've been toying with ideas and fantasies. Nothing physical, but i don't want this to go on. I just want my old friendship back.....i never wanted THIS!! I hate how i feel about myself, him, the thought of hurting our spouses. But its like every time we even talk the temptation just overwhelms both of us. I hate this!

[@limitlesky]

Get over your self. Do you have children? You are betraying your children. Get a divorce and go bang your temptation. Coward.

[@DoctorPrepperMD]

Wish my wife would watch this. Too late.

[@swimchamp84]

What kind of timeline does a person take to go through these stages?

[@commentscrusader3842]

As soon as you give yourself a reality check and be brutally honest with yourself.

[@vanessachavez8781]

Caught my ex husband cheating with a younger coworker right after we had our baby. He left to be with her and she ended up cheating on him. Our kids want nothing to do with him, and when he was with her he wanted nothing to do with them because they didn't accept her.

[@svang55]

Excellent video, but you talk to the unfaithful and mention "cologne" and "wife" as if the unfaithful person is automatically a man cheating on a wife

[@MaryJoRapini]

Thank you for the feedback. I try to be very careful with not making it a gender thing, but sometimes I miss the mark. To clarify; both men and women cheat, and it's a flaw in character no matter what sex cheats.

[@junimarifam]

I agree with Mary. I am going thru this at the moment with my wife. So it works both ways.

[@damit505]

@@junimarifam my wife had a lesbian fling when she went away for 3 months she refuses to talk to me about it

[@mr.wright9867]

Yeah, the entire time I listened I was like "hey, I dealt with all of that from women."

[@elikorn7418]

Thank you again for the video. I have two statistic questions. 10% of affairs will marry; does this statistic refer to the ones that leave their spouse or does the statistic refer to all affairs? Also, what does it mean when statistics indicate a divorce rate? Does it mean that within the first year of being married a certain percentage will divorce?

[@fackery8438]

The 10 percent refers to the spouse and the AP marrying

[@Odani_Fam]

Y'all what does she do for her skin? It's gorgeous!

[@moonglow1158]

Got a friend that has a handyman at her house all say and night .. she says its normal .. this has been going on for 2.5 years

[@elikorn7418]

Hello Mary, I wanted to ask why do affair partners have to be a fantasy? What are the reasons why it doesn't work out? What tricks are at play? Can you make a video on this topic please? I'm sure it will receive loads of views and comments.

[@MaryJoRapini]

Please watch my videos on stages of an affair and your questions will be answered.

[@everready2903]

Cos you ain't lived with them and so only see them for short exciting times! No wonder they seem better than a partner someone has maybe been with for years and things may have gone off the boil.

[@elikorn7418]

@@everready2903 yes, that makes sense, if you see someone for short exciting times they are easy to idealize; but don't most relationships start like that?

[@everready2903]

@@elikorn7418 Yeah but eventually when the honeymoon period ends and the dopamine levels ease off they might not stay on that pedestal you put them on. Although some people are the right one for you and sometimes relationships have pretty much come to the end of the road. The only guarantee is that their is no guarantee that life with the affair partner will be has you may envisage.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@elikorn7418 Even though relationships start like that, the spouse you are hurting is tried and true. You've been through the infatuation, then real love and likely things have gotten stale. Then you meet an affair partner and they seem perfect. Your spouse can't measure up to that ideal you've painted the affair partner as. The ap doesn't live w/ you, doesn't know you, doesn't have to live w/ your faults, so they can fill your ego like your spouse never can.

[@nitishpandit81]

Is it possible for a person to be in stage 3 for 6/7 or for more years?. I know a couple, both of whom are married but are cheating on their partners for 8 to 10 years by now and are still enjoying being in stage 3.

[@MaryJoRapini]

Yes. If they want to stay in denial. It is causing them so many personal issues though-they are so doomed with the anxiety they incur when they think of splitting up. Very sad. 😨

[@nitishpandit81]

@@MaryJoRapini I probably failed to make my point clear to you. What I meant is that the couple I mentioned is having extra marital physical relation for last 8 years or so and side by side maintaining their family life quite happily. Both are having grown up children as well. I don't see any sign of remorse in them, rather they look very happy. I was told that such illegal relations hardly survive for more than 3 years. But this peer is so circumspect in maintaining this relation that none can even doubt about it as their families have friendly relation for quite a long time.

[@alive4627]

The statistics are sobering. Only 10% of affairs go on to marriage with the affair partner and, of these, 75% to 80% end up in divorce. Glad my wife eventually reinvested in our marriage. Otherwise it would have negatively impacted our son, who now has a university degree and a solid career. Her affair came to an abrupt end when she came home with an STI and an unwanted pregnancy. The first time she knew she was well and truly busted was when I surprised her and confronted her about the affair in the family planning clinic just before she was about to go in for a termination procedure. Her AP boss didn’t even have the decency to be there to support her. She meant everything to me. I adored her. 22 years later, we are still married.,

[@thelovelylife7451]

Do you still adore her? How did you get past it?

[@alive4627]

She still means a lot to me but, since that time, I have been very conflicted. Outwardly things may seem fine but, inwardly, I battle with negative emotions. Two factors have helped. Firstly, her behavior after discovery. Secondly, I have kept myself very busy. Career, post-graduate studies, successful lawsuits, gym, parenting, home improvements, and hobbies. Sorry to say however that the “spark” has gone from our marriage.

[@laurawalker546]

​@alive4627 that is very sad. I'd get marriage counseling and I'm guessing the guilt in her is overwhelming...

[@alive4627]

@@laurawalker546 Thank you for your interest. It can get pretty lonely sometimes, even when you are in a committed relationship.

[@New-bw4kz]

It starts with the attention you don’t get at home.