The avoidant “bait and switch”

[@kateyford994]

“You’re doing everything right, and that terrified them”. How amazing to be validated. Thank you Coach Ryan.

[@AmandaHugenkiss97]

This sounds exactly like what I just went through. They're good a couple of months, but then they just turn into someone else entirely!

[@carlosr6608]

The problem with avoidants is that you can never be sure if they have legitimate attachment issues or if they’re just narcissistic and they’re taking advantage of you until they discard you. Be safe out there and don’t lose yourselves in any relationship.

[@ik6577]

they are incredibly selfish and egoistic. They give you hope for a nice relationship and then without any remorse or feelings they abandon you

[@Doohopper_Grandma]

@@ik6577 That’s sure not normal. Yet he seemed so normal and caring when I first met him. Then went cold on me. It really isn’t residue from childhood trauma I guess.

[@marguskiis7711]

Evil superselfish people.

[@JustMe-ki3ce]

Coach Ryan… tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I’m sure dismissive avoidant’s will be passing out “bread crumbs”. I’ve decided to cut out carbs & cowards 🦃

[@JessicaLopez-nl1bi]

😂

[@teresabrown6834]

💯

[@SherriFlemming]

😊

[@Applied_Pressure]

Ryan, you are legit the best at explaining the dismissive avoidant toxic dance. It's really a shame that so many counselors are out there counseling couples that don't understand attachment theory. It's really not fair for the person in the relationship with the avoidant. Who's being told it's 50% their fault. Because it "takes two to tango".

[@LifeisaBeautifulting]

They're right about themselves. They ARE defective. Let's collectively agree to call out their problematic behavior and leave these people alone so that they're forced to work on themselves

[@me17me19]

What makes it worse is after you tell them you don't want to be in a relationship cause you don't want to be hurt again, yet they convince you they're interested and so you give and everything is perfect and they pull back and give vague reasons.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

@@me17me19that’s exactly what happened. She convinced me to let my guard down and then destroyed me the night before our 1 yr anniversary

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

It’s so fucked up. And they’re so fucked up. She knows it. She acknowledges it. But she still does it. She feels some remorse for the way she hurt me w her own ignorance. But zero remorse about her decision to leave. Stone cold and certain about that.

[@marguskiis7711]

They are never alone.

[@marguskiis7711]

​@@kevinkurgansky4479 women NEVER take accountability.

[@kimisles]

I'm very familiar with attachment theory but you have an excellent way of communicating behavior patterns in a way that people can understand and relate to. Thanks for your work!

[@HP-in8pl]

The bait and switch is so exhausting. These people need to stay away from others. Fed up with their bull

[@adiroots]

They should date each other.

[@robertahardy4215]

He wasn’t afraid of communicating with me about all his personal concerns, especially those involving other people and their possible perceptions. But in our conversations, it was hard to get a word in edgewise. In the first couple of months, he told me he loved me, and he was making plans for our next year together. But he always wanted me to come to his place, never to mine. After a few months, he accused me of trying to get too close to him, apparently because I wanted to spend more than one night a week with him at his place or have him come to my place sometimes. I’m sure he doesn’t think of himself this way, but what a player! I broke it off cleanly, I’m proud to say.

[@michelletwichell8472]

You described EXACTLY what happened to me. Validated it wasn't me, he is wounded. But freaked me out you nailed everything he did. His trigger was a beautiful romantic weekend, went cold after.

[@brindle_chihuahua]

Thank you so much Coach Ryan! Your videos have really helped me understand and process the abrupt discard I recently experienced. I am on the path of healing now that I've realized that this painful rejection is not a reflection of me but rather this person being triggered by healthy, normal relationship behaviors.

[@cleopetra87]

This is exactly what I experienced.. Word for word! Unbelievable!

[@SyddeMyzard]

You have something nobody else have Ryan, your videos are so helpfull to heal and understand what happened to us.

[@brunom.fernandes6682]

They are 2 completely different person. The one from the beginning is a bait. After that you will start to feel alone even though they are by your side. Not interested at you at all. No more hugs, laughs, plans…. …from this point on there is nothing you can do. It will be always your fault… the best advice is to face the truth and dontlook back

[@Canaday291]

Midway through our dates he’d suddenly turn off like a light switch And act annoyed , frustrated, like I was imposing on him and put a timer on me going home .

[@garywillett6396]

Your videos have helped me understand every aspect of my disastrous short relationship with an avoidant, that rewound and replayed five times before I saw the truth. Thank you!

[@drc4563]

These words of wisdom are the very best thing I listen to. I have been married to one for 20 years. It has got so much much worse in the last 10 years. You wisdom has blown this whole thing open for me. 😂Thank you!

[@sheliasmith2884]

This is so close to narsisim i had to deal with this for years it almost took me out of myself. Never again.

[@dmitryisaev5955]

Yeah, I started from narcs when tried to understand her behavior. 6,5 lost years. Painful memories.

[@sallyhyland8391]

They're not giving you those kissy face emojis anymore 😂😂 Preach Coach Ryan lol

[@michaella5799]

I only got that the first 2 weeks lol.

[@mib15]

😆😆

[@petersouza6554]

SO HELPFUL, VALIDATING, ENCOURAGING, HEALING

[@vixter28]

Yep, that’s exactly what happened with my ex He was all into me for a while and then he changed

[@veryimportantperson3657]

this is such good counsel. thank you.

[@johnarchluleta]

By the time they pull away- they’re cruel and sadistic. These people don’t deserve sympathy.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Correct. I gave way too much sympathy for someone who callously destroyed me with zero regard for my emotional well being. I hate her and the ugliness of her behavior. It’s the one and only relationship I’ve considered would be easiest and best if I just never even met. Never thought that or said that with anyone before but her and I told her that too. I hope she gets what’s coming to her when she finally open to someone and then gets ruthlessly discarded too. Karmas a bitch and I hope it strikes her 10x harder with a vengeance so she can finally understand what every male body that she has left in her wake has had time feel as a direct result of her behavior

[@marguskiis7711]

They are just evil people.

[@marguskiis7711]

​​@@kevinkurgansky4479 there is no karma or justice in the world.

[@RayRayNDemUSA]

Sympathy / empathy is one of the things they play on to pull you in. This is where you have to have strong boundaries, standards and expectations. Also, direct and upfront communication while putting your self-respect and your relationship with your Creator and yourself above any and every other relationship. Last, observation skills. Listen and watch closely for red flag behavior and communication. It usually slips out in subtle ways early on.

[@marguskiis7711]

​@@RayRayNDemUSA it is easy if you just do not have any feelings and love towards anybody. If you are just some cold and calculating guy.

[@UnkindCactus]

I wonder if they literally just tell everyone that they’ve never felt like this with anyone else…😢

[@johnmurphy6791]

I’m pretty sure my ex said it to all her previous partners.

[@Olgaf4562]

Mine too, bet ya. This is part of the bait.

[@jamie-r2034]

We all heard that. Lol. Anyone else get broken up after 12 years & child by a fucking text message? Lol. This is my 3rd rodeo with her & finally realized she's the issue and not me. Next time she tries to come back bc she will - we're older and i was good to her, im going to play her to see how she enjoys it. Lol

[@vanessaG275]

Oh yes mine did. Often.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Mine said the same to me too. Over and over. But then never honored the “rarity” they claimed we had.

[@adiroots]

Their lack of empathy is like throwing salt in a wound.

[@ExternallyHappy]

Thank you Ryan, exactly what I needed to hear today. It's so easy to blame ourselves and continually reach for connection

[@foxygayla]

14 years and out of nowhere. 😢

[@randomAnnanoumousDude2134]

Same here, right after my Mom died… very difficult.

[@cryscars]

Been married to one for almost 40 YEARS. Feel like I've been DEFRAUDED. RIPPED OFF. Just morphed into a different person well into our marriage and after having children. Like someone wearing a Halloween mask and then they took it OFF SMH. Our whole family has been affected/damaged by my husband's Dismissive Avoidant behaviors. We're Grandparents now....grandchildren get treated the same as I was treated as well as our children whom are adults now. Two of our children have DIED {our son fell out and suddenly died in our HOUSE} and he has NOT grieved with me at ALL. I grieve for my dead children ALONE. NEVER mentions them like they never EXISTED! I'll be glad when this world ENDS, because this pain will FINALLY END. So ironic....decades ago I dealt with an Avoidant BEFORE him whom suddenly dumped me {didn't know about all of this Avoidant stuff 40 something years ago} and he my husband told me back in 1984 "I will never hurt you like him." SMH....he's actually hurt me MORE than any other male on Earth.

[@kellydevreese3944]

Are you sure he is avoident and not a narcissist cause usually avoidents do grieve.

[@cryscars]

@@kellydevreese3944 Yep he has all the signs etc. He's one of them.

[@helenfedorenko6419]

OMG this is so painful to read. I'm so sorry. Hope you find peace in yourself. this is horrific.

[@helenfedorenko6419]

​@@kellydevreese3944 narc can be avoidant and avoidant, especially dismissive, share traits of narcissism.

[@cryscars]

@@helenfedorenko6419 Thank You so very kindly, I appreciate you very much.

[@gregkelly9775]

So true. But ultimately a con job. Can't believe I fell for it. Am an LMFT by trade but this brought attachment theory to life.

[@AWA89r]

I hate him that he keeps telling everyone that he doesn’t want to see me after separation from 18 years marriage! He told them I will fight with him! It’s just BS! He just scared to face to face! Until now after 11 months of therapy, he still believe nothing wrong with him!

[@SherriFlemming]

This sounds like a hopeless case. It takes take an average of 5 years of therapy.

[@WoodyLlehcs]

I always pull strength from coach Ryan's words: "you did everything right." I don't have to be someone else to please them, just have to keep my boundaries clear and uphold them.

[@fadingfrontier1585]

Coach Ryan number 1❤. Thank you for your super mega helpful videos!

[@meganmurphy1201]

🎯 Thank yoo Coach Ryan for your videos. The way you explain things hits home!! Appreciate you!

[@Charalyn1111]

It’s so sad that there are so many broken people out here. Seems like it’s getting worse. I sure hope to be healthy and find healthy love someday.

[@marguskiis7711]

Ca 80% of single women over 35 yo are avoidants.

[@pollyannakarina]

@@marguskiis7711 Interesting. What is your source for this stat?

[@marguskiis7711]

@@pollyannakarina Logic. Healthy 35 plus women are usually married or in LTR. There must be the reason wjy a woman is single, OK, 20% have some other reasons to be single (not divorced etc) --disease, health problems, bad luck, being in bad living conditions, living in place where marriage is difficult etc. But 80% of western 35plus women do not have such problems. So, their only reason to be single (again, not divorced, separated etc) is that they are avoidants.

[@dannywholuv]

Honestly more people are finding it difficult to bond properly now given online dating and the plethora of options. Every relationship with an avoidant makes others avoidant too, it certainly messed me up, I don't know if I could go through something like that again

[@RayRayNDemUSA]

@@dannywholuvPeople that are exposed to relationships like this do become very hesitant on getting into something else. I went thru that as well and starting to slowly open back up to the idea of a relationship.

[@JadeFio-r9c]

This is EXACTLY what happened to me.

[@jdub1788]

I am so tired of missing her.

[@simantosiddique850]

Well if it's any consolation, you're not the only one buddy

[@Flufero23]

Twin flames have avoidance tendencies. Sometimes they are mistaken for fearful avoidants.

[@magdarodriguez9374]

I agree.... I have come to this realization recently. When you observe the whole push-pull dynamics between them, it really explains what is going on ...

[@mariamargot8259]

Das Narrativ Zwillingsseelen ist nur eine Legitimation in einer toxischen Beziehung zu bleiben...

[@alaia-awakened]

Sometimes avoidants are mistaken for “twin flames”

[@mstorwall]

Does the avoidant ever get back their empathy?

[@adiroots]

Good question!

[@shehzadibrahim203]

This man is just a perfect astrologer ,whatever he says is complete truth

[@girlinthekywoods]

They didn't " go cold" it's who they are. Kin to the narcissist! Run run run!!!

[@namikare7701]

hell no-

[@girlinthekywoods]

@namikare7701 😂😂😂😂

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yes they are my therapist said they are cousins I'm done

[@mib15]

Coach in his athletic gear training us to run off the course of an avoidant. Kissy face emojis 🤣🤣 Plot twist: what if Coach is an avoidant? 😱😳🤯

[@JoMama123451234]

Yup my FA ex suddenly changed and became distant. I tried so hard to communicate in a healthy way but she kept stonewalling and it caused an argument and she discarded me. 3 years ended like it meant nothing

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Fuck man. I’m so sorry. It happened after 11 months with a DA and it fucking crushed me. I can’t imagine it after 3 years. Why did it happen? Or what caused it? Is this the first time anything like that happened or no?

[@JoMama123451234]

@kevinkurgansky4479 Yeah it is brutal beyond belief. I'm an AP and definitely lost my cool at times toward the end which i regret because my core wounds got triggered as she started pulling away. I should've remained calm and listened better. She was planning on moving in with me and she suddenly changed her mind because of something my mom said that she had an issue with (typical push-pull/fault finding). Bascially my mom suggested she get her own place near me so she can develop some independence first (she was early 20s and had never lived away from her parents). It was a suggestion (and I agreed with it because i could tell she wasn't resdy to move out) but she took offense to it and blew up on me. I tried to communicate and resolve it but she just stonewalled me and expected me to fix everything on my own rather than work through it together. That was the beginning of the downfall. It was never the same after that. She kept pulling away and then one day it all boiled over into an argument because I was getting frustrated with her lack of communication and she dumped me via text. Keep in mind that throughout the relationship, she would hang up on me, threaten to break up with me, was extremely jealous and controlling (e.g., accusing me of cheating, not wanting me to spend time with friends/family, going through my phone without permission). I put up with a lot and I shouldn't have. And then at the end she blamed me for everything and did not take accountability for any of her toxic/abusive behavior. That's what kills me. The fact that i tried so hard and sacrificed so much for her only to be discarded like trash.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Were signs sooner? I was gonna say I’m. It going to trust people for at least a year of dating to make sure I catch the warning signs but seeing that people here like you and others have this happen after year 3 and year 5 is so scary and disillusioning and heartbreaking. I’m seriously scared of having this happen again. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced in my life.

[@JoMama123451234]

@@kevinkurgansky4479 there were some signs from the beginning. I just ignored them because she was very attractive and love bombed me. It felt great at first but eventually her true colors showed and by that time I was too invested to walk away. Definitely emotionally unstable. Roller coaster push pull dynamic. She loved me then hated me. She threatened to break up. Controlling and insecure. Accusing me of cheating, going through my phone, not wanting me to spend time with family/friends. I tolerated way too much and didn't have good boundaries.

[@beryll3556]

​@JoMama123451234 her behavior that you have described are unacceptable the FA discard isn't the hardest thing she has done to you honestly she is lucky that you have stayed that long. This relationship should habe ended far sooner

[@mulks12]

Thanks for your words here 😊

[@anothercat9600]

Thank you, very important and validating.

[@AprilSunshine]

My DA ex went from asking me what we should name our kids to suddenly discarding with no warning after i dared to ask about the engagement ring he already agreed to give me. 😂 Joke's on him. Got myself a real man now AND my ring, less than one year later 👌

[@marguskiis7711]

He is not DA. He just did not want commitment so soon. You pressurized him too much.

[@marguskiis7711]

You got rebound simply. Not very good perspective.

[@AprilSunshine]

@@marguskiis7711 hello fellow defensive avoidant. Thanks for the input. 👍 Frankly though, I'm not concerned. No one can control another human, so I plan to just thoroughly enjoy and appreciate my partner. If he wants to pussy out like the last guy, then that's his right as a grown adult. 🤷‍♀️ Doesn't concern me.

[@yellowtheresunshine]

"Traumatic".....yep

[@89DeluCs]

True she discarded me by saying i have to fight my demons and if were in a relationship right now im gonna hurt you and by hurting you im hurting myself thats a genuine reason we didnt had a fight in 2 years😂😂😂

[@Bertscout]

can you make a video on how to make no contact if the avoidant is a coworker of yours

[@Mally99]

Good video. Thanks 👍

[@Pinchofpunch]

Is it still a dismissive avoidant if it took nearly two years for deactivation and blindsiding and a year of harboring resentments and complaints without expressing? She was ready and willing to buy a house 3 weeks before the discard. Maybe it’s different because we are both women and I stopped bringing things up because we’d always fight.

[@AlyssaADUB1D]

Yes I would still say they are dismissive avoidant. Some people started families with their avoidants, coach Ryan’s posts are resonating with you, I’d say so

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Im so sorry. It happened after 11 months with a female DA and it fucking crushed me. I can’t imagine it happening after 2 years. Esp right before the house. That’s crazy. Do you know what caused it? Is this the first time anything like that happened with you or no?? You don’t before or she complained but never shut down or stonewalled? How in the world can you ever trust people knowing that they can literally do this at any time? I was gonna say my new rule is to date people for at least a year of dating to make sure I catch the warning signs but seeing that people here like you and others have this happen after year 2 and 3 and year 5 is so scary and disillusioning and heartbreaking. I’m seriously scared of having this happen again. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced in my life. How can we live knowing there are people like this who will blindside us and destroy us whenever it’s inconvenient for them with zero remorse or care for us?

[@marguskiis7711]

You are just lesbians with the specific power struggle.

[@marguskiis7711]

​@@kevinkurgansky4479 most over 35 single women are avoidants.

[@Pinchofpunch]

@@marguskiis7711 I tried to explain to her that we were in a new phase of the relationship, from honeymoon to power struggle to roommate. She didn’t get it. She said that relationships shouldn’t be “this hard”

[@TheJosiejumper]

happened today totally switched its done it for me totally no more shocked

[@garywillett6396]

My personal empathy for this happening on Thanksgiving. I wish you the best for your recovery.

[@TheJosiejumper]

@@garywillett6396 im in the uk sorry i did not no happy thanksgiving enjoy - ill be ok hurts but rather be there eating turkey enjoy xxn and thank you dear for repling x

[@Doohopper_Grandma]

What I tried to say is that I wasn’t allowed to put pictures of us doing anything on the Facebook and I think he’s in a new relationship but never puts anything about that person on there so I think he doesn’t allow people dating him to post anything she doesn’t post anything about him on her social , either , one time I saw a picture of their feet together when they were on a break from the boat they work on but no faces together, but I know exactly what’s going on cause other people tell me Yes the town that he moved to has accessible to me and I have family here and I could visit him, but he just cut me off cold turkey very painful. It’s been a year now, but he cut me off in July but it’s been a yea since it all started . He has never reached out or apologize about how he ended our relationship and I can’t believe such a nice relationship would go so bad without any warning except he keep telling m to stop liking him. Now I know that he is a very very Dismissive avoidant. I didn’t know that at the beginning. Thank you so much Coach Ryan for all your teaching. It’s still painful, but at least you explained it because that is blows my mind that anything like that could happen when you think things are going good and you’re trying so hard you’re working as best. You can to make the other person happy and meet your needs. You’re one of my heroes coach Ryan keep up the good work.

[@jaimelynn6701]

Yes they never post pics , if they do it's very rare.

[@johndevivo8683]

Mine never posted pictures either. I always joked to myself that I was going to go in her home and hang a picture of myself. Seriously it is so painful the way they disconnect. When I deal with reality I allow myself to miss her but not want to be with her. How can you? They can’t make a relationship work.

[@pollyannakarina]

​@@johndevivo8683My DA only took one picture of us together, on a walk out in the countryside, during our 9-month "fantasy" relationship. When I asked if she would send it to me later in the day, she said she'd deleted it. One among many examples of what I now know to be red flags.

[@marguskiis7711]

Men come back if you find someone else.

[@marguskiis7711]

They never mention their "partners" in SM and they never allow it to partners too.

[@katieraehiphiphooray]

Acurate 😅been there ughhhhh

[@stratisargy]

I want to send that to her

[@quellequeen]

🎯

[@defvanas]

Is this also possible after 8 years?

[@quellequeen]

Almost 25 for me ✋😢 I was trying to hold on.

[@defvanas]

❤​@@quellequeen

[@defvanas]

@quellequeen ❤️

[@utsuro1165]

Do I send this to her? She broke up with me 3 days ago

[@nikki8947]

Nope. Forget she ever existed. It's best for YOU. What she's put you through is mental abuse.

[@russianfishka113]

Don't text her. It will make things worse

[@dm-sikkunt1561]

2 years ago I cheated on my girlfriend of 5 years and left her. Im a fearful avoidant and my avoidance really took over.. I felt guilty for her pain and how badly the things went. I never spoke up, keep hiding problems under the rug.. one day I just became heartless and messed all up. I'm sorry. She was the only one who really loved me for what I am and I broke her heart. Be patient with us, we are not like the other people. I suffered depression for years, I contemplated suicide lots of times and I felt really alone most of my life. Childhood and adolescence were really tramautic and I had to became adult at 14 years old. I dont regret any of the shit I already faced because is that stuff that made me what I am at 30. Just know that we are victims of ourselves too and we are trying to change

[@atmodlee]

Did you try to get her back? Did you fight for her at all?

[@dm-sikkunt1561]

@atmodlee I dont trust myself and I dont want her to be heartbroken from me again. I didnt tried to get her back and I never will, what we had is already ruined

[@SwedishGFE]

You seem to be able to analyze yourself now so that is a good step in the right direction. I wish the avoidant I'm involved with would realize he's one.

[@Soulvableofficial]

You literally said ‘I broke her heart’, and your next sentence was ‘be patient with us’ lolll yeah sure..

[@dm-sikkunt1561]

@WissemDZLondon Do you think I did that on purpose? It was everything in autopilot I wasnt aware of that

[@ChelleA.]

It's a cruel joke smh

[@shadowcapital]

Ryan… what you describe is exactly Twin Flame experience… What if she is your Twin Flame…?

[@alphascholar2001]

They mirror you like a Narcissist does LEAVE

[@dannywholuv]

Only BPD and narcissistic individuals refer to the 'twin flame' phenomenon. It's a load of bollocks cause in a couple of months your're discarded like you mean absolutely nothing. If anyone says your my twin flame or looks into star signs or angel numbers, run the opposite direction!

[@bambina011]

Why so many videos about people who should be sent to therapy??

[@Aya-x8e]

What about people who do this after a couple of dates? 🥲 4-8 month mark who..