The Controller's Dirty Little Secret - Part 2

Once controllers admit their secret struggle with insecurity, they will need to take stock of what lies within their personalities. Chief among their struggles is hidden fear. The fact that they insist others must conform indicates they feel threatened by behavior contrary to their preferences. This trend can change, but it begins with self-awareness and honesty, as this podcast will address.
Something to Think about:
- Controllers like to be in the dominant position, a sure sign that they fear being “just” equal.
- Change can occur as controllers realize how much self-induced stress comes along with their efforts to contain others.
- To be less controlling, it is necessary to identify specific traits that are better alternatives.
Let’s Talk:
For you to be less controlling, what shifts in your thoughts would lead the way? How would your world become more pleasant as you minimized the need to control?
For more: MarriagPath.com

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I met a woman who has been attempting to be friends with me. She is ten years younger than I, we don't agree on very much but she continues to pursue me through e-mails and chat on facebook. We only met together two times and she acted controlling and lectured me to believe what she believes when I made it clear that we were not going to agree on a couple of matters. She cannot stand it that she cannot control me. She would "say" she has been respectful, but she doesn't know what it looks like. All three times she tried to contact me she talked about wanting to speak her mind to me. Not once did she say she wanted to learn my heart. Everything has been all about her. She even begged me to be her friend, she really wanted this relationship, but I had only met with her twice. Her verbiage is as though we had been lifetime friends. I recognize the controlling nature she has because I had dealt with this sort of thing all my life with family members. I finally walk away from family and here comes another one of these kind of people. UGH!!!!! I seem to be a magnet for them. She even says that she just doesn't understand why I don't want to be her friend. So again all the "guilt" is on me for not being her friend. LOL She is so obvious its over the top, but maybe I see it because I am fully aware now of their tactics.

[@lisbethbird8268]

Boy, sounds familiar. You definitely have her pegged.

[@clairelariviere111]

These two videos on controlling people are very helpful. I am the youngest in a family of three other very controlling women and it's been painful for me since childhood. In mid life I'm finally able to live by my own values rather than get roped in to the their drama. I stand my ground calmly and don't repeat myself nor justify myself beyond what is reasonable. If they truly care about me, they will seek to understand rather than put me on trial. My goal is now clear....to be my best self even when others are trying to bring me down to have integrity and compassion without responsibility for their feelings

[@linnaewillis619]

Narcissist make promises only to break them. I once had a narcissist tell me"you can take the day off work , if you do this for me. " Only to ask me a while later "so you're not going to work"? You have money to make". Lesson learned . I no longer trust this person. I know now that all the sweet things they say are lies. Do I love them yes, do I trust them nope!

[@krissnovak1892]

I wish the narcisist could change...but I'm able to get out...so I'm booking it!

[@dianeremlin4685]

Dr. Carter, your videos are so helpful and right on point. I went no contact a year and a half ago and never heard from him again after a 4 year relationship. Even though I am seeing an excellent therapist your videos serve as excellent reinforcement for me. Thank you!

[@huwhiteknight8867]

The worst controller is the one who sucks the air out of the room and punishes you with complete and total withdrawal and invalidation any time you're not doing exactly what they want.

[@judithnelson1228]

I know this person. My example also only does kind deeds when he has an audience, thinks he's Mr Universe, calls me derogatory names, gossips about me and thinks he's punishing me by playing" no speaks". He thinks he is a gatekeeper of which women are acceptable or not and he's only my neighbour in a retirement village. How does one avoid this guy who swings between acting like a 5 year old, a 14 year old boy, smarmy when he wants something and damned obnoxious at the best of times. I want to be left alone.

[@OldToughDW]

That sounds more like a person who is being controlled and angry about it, to me. Your focus is on the other person when it should be on you. You can't change other people, the best you will get is a temporary change and then they revert back again. Bu you can change you, all by yourself with no permission from anybody else.

[@jameyhirschman9045]

Yes I know , the words are piercing, hurtful, and demeaning. We were all born as unique individuals capable, resilient, and with all the tools needed to succeed. You are special don’t forget it. Maybe make some affirmations and put them where you can see them.

[@lainynicks8602]

My evil ex

[@wifferste]

That says a lot about them. One thing to remember is provided that you remain polite and congenial, how another person feels or behaves is not your responsibility. Controllers however try to burden you with that, but you really do have a choice not to accept it (they won't tell you this, of course)

[@sandancer45]

I've just left a job because i was being bullied by 3 and then 4 people i tried to get along with them but at the end i had to stand up for myself. The emotional abuse didnt work then one got physical and i left as i didnt want a criminal record. I did report these people for what they did to me and it was also a big learning curve. My health comes first not some rubbish job. When i looked at the reviews on this company they have a massive turnover of staff, now i know why. LIke you said you have to go with the flow and not control people but not when it affects your health, im gone.

[@69LOLIN]

good for you! 👍

[@urvashipatel5214]

I work for a woman boss and she is such a controller....no one is good at their work ,she knows ot all...she doesnt want to disciss anything only via whatsapp and everything shld be completed today.

[@joannasaad298]

I was a controller as a teenager and young adult and when I realized it was from my abandonment issues it was a relief to be able to heal and drop that behaviour. Now I'm dealing with controlling inlaws so this video is super helpful. Thank you.

[@jordanfuson1151]

Same

[@69LOLIN]

good! 👍

[@krissnovak1892]

Your so nice in this....very healing...listening to back to back videos of yours.

[@melissagrace740]

I left the covert narc again and will never let him hurt me again. Vicious man who is so good at making me feel safe, then pulling a gotcha! I keep praying for him and that I will never go back again.

[@bronycrutchfield9368]

I wish my controller could "hear" this.

[@jackiemarsh2470]

Dr I have watch your video's, and have learned so very much!! Thank you for caring about us!!

[@shantareid2770]

Excellent...thank you and great music on your vids...lively, colorful, and inviting.

[@michellewilson9022]

They dont listen or change......waste of time to me.

[@isabelleparise5607]

true

[@jameyhirschman9045]

I am an empath married to a narcissist. For a long time didn’t understand what was happening. Thanks to your videos , I have a greater understanding and watch your videos when under attack for peace of mind. I set my boundaries but it’s only a matter of time before they are forgotten.Do see this often, constantly resetting boundaries any other advice on this. It’s frustrating to have to go over and over them. A few suggestions to heal and to begin-building myself back to me

[@jefrossman3858]

Hello, how are you doing?

[@susiep.7372]

Hello Dr. Carter, a great video, as always !! I think , most of the Narcs , will not listen and will not learn !! Mine was sooo arrogant, his superiority was huge! It is how it is ... They can't/ don't want to see their failures... I see him as what he is now, not what I want/ how I want him to be !! I'm definitely out of that nightmare !

[@danielpenn9400]

Good luck getting a controlling person to listen.

[@azaleamoon6067]

No joke. They don’t hear or listen.

[@danielpenn9400]

@@azaleamoon6067 I hear you, glad you agree. Have a wonderful day.

[@davidslagmulder8042]

I was thinking the same. :-)

[@danielpenn9400]

@@davidslagmulder8042 On a different note. What is your experience with cluster B's and cheating. I never thought my wife of 20 years would ever cheat but now I'm hearing after separation that she may have very well been the whole time. However she constantly used to accuse me of the same. Now that she is actively dating several men while we are still living under the same roof. The men she is dating she has known for over a decade. Have I been a fool this whole time? As cheating is something that I could not do. Love to hear your thoughts on this one.

[@katherineshaw1]

@@danielpenn9400 It is often the "finger pointer" who accuses who is the one doing exactly what they're accusing you of! Frankly, you need to get away from your wife. Especially if she still has relations with you....remember, who she's sleeping with is who YOU are, too. STD's are no joke. Neither is AIDS. Clearly, you have every reason to mourn over the loss of a 20 year relationship, but it's time to think about yourself. You health (physical and mental) must come first! Here's the experience of a life-long friend of mine. I was in her wedding 37 years ago. I am Godmother to her 3 children. At her wedding reception, her husband came on to me behind her grandmother's gazebo! I was stunned but I never said a word. Sometimes I wish I would have. My friend is a Grandmother now and went for her annual check-up, which she didn't realize included testing for STD's. Pretty much standard now. Her ob/gyn had to give her the bad news that she had gonorrhea. It was something she KNEW she didn't have the year before...and something she KNEW she didn't get from anyone but her husband. She stayed quiet and got her son ( a brilliant attorney) to represent her in divorce proceedings. When her spouse came home from a 2 week "business trip," the locks on their very palatial home had been changed along with the alarm codes. He found a key to a storage unit along with divorce papers, a video of her, her son, and other 2 adult children and a hired crew....along with a Notary Public witnessing and recording the procedure and the inventory. Further, there was notice from the County Health Department advising him to be checked for gonorrhea. Needless to say, my friend is happy now....she lives alone but has a wonderful relationship with her children. She was shocked to learn her eldest son (the attorney) had known of his father's infidelity since he was 14 y/o. Perhaps it's why he's never chosen to marry.

[@louiseoboyle7623]

You are so kind to give the narc the time of day... absolutely no hope of them changing

[@jacksmith4460]

best videos i have found on the subject, glad you addressed the controllers, this video helped me, with the controllers i have encountered, but also realising that i had in many ways become one myself, abuse is like a relay race, but its a race that can be stopped, and always starts with 1 person deciding to change actions, thanks for this video, really made me analyse my past situations from both viewpoints

[@jdwright3277]

You are such a blessing and help

[@normadeluna3349]

Dr.Carter I just found out . I got some characteristics of control ing. I though I been control. But I am very persist and persue in this relationship. Thank you . for your channel.

[@halys9172]

Dr Carter, my husband has been a control freak & has all the traits that you mentioned about controllers. I always felt enraged & always felt like it was my job to make him happy. Eventually I started hating him so much & used to feel so traumatized I had to break off this relationship and I am happy to have done that after years of this torment.

[@radiorosienashville]

Grace and blessings to You. Thank you

[@byhearingandhearingby6746]

I am a new subscriber & I appreciate your videos sir. My dear mom was an angry controller & I've found over the years though I've done many things differently with my own children, I've definitely been guilty of being a controller myself at times. I startle myself when I catch myself saying or doing things as such. Most of my friends and family don't see me that way... I do believe it is not my true self, being a controller... however in my relationships & a few friendships I've been abused and taken advantage of... I've begun to put up healthy boundaries & have been able to respect boundaries that others have put up (my adult children, the one who still lives with me is my main challenge in this regard)... I realize mistakes I've made with them; before he leaves the nest we've been addressing difficult things as I pray he not carry unhealthy patterns into his relationships... this requires humility & amends on my part because the way he thinks at times disturbs me. I'm a single parent again with two small children whose father abused me (malignant narcissist) And my son for years was exposed to the dynamic we engaged in😢 My son is truly a decent human being going through his own difficulties. Q#1- What are effective ways to deal with someone who chooses to escape/avoid responsibilities? (Living under same roof) Q#2- What are some effective ways to raise up children without controlling them? My babies are both boys. My oldest is living her life independently and says I've been a good mother. I love my children & want to be a good mother, not wound them😢 I believe things are getting better.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

FYI I've put together a new channel on You Tube, Surviving Narcissism. Check it out. Thanks for these good comments. Dr. C

[@byhearingandhearingby6746]

Surviving Narcissism yes thank you Dr. C 😌

[@sharisimonehampton5434]

Great message. Thanks. 😉👍♥️

[@rebeccalucas6063]

When people ask you the same questions over, and over even though you have explained it, then they ask others the same question, us that a sign of a controller? Because you didn't answer the way they wanted you to perhaps? I know someone, and no matter how the conversation starts, she always makes herself the subject, and talks about the financial hardships she endured 30 years ago raising her kids while her husband was in on and off employed. She babbles to the point that you can lay down the phone, do dishes, ect, and she continues to babble on for 45 mins totally oblivious to weather or not you are listening. I've tried to be a friend to her, but going out to eat, it's her choice where, or she pouts like a 5 yr old throwing a tantrum, would she be considered a narcissist?

[@69LOLIN]

Set boundaries. Change the topic..say things like "Lets talk about more possitive things" "Tell me something new and good"

[@veronicazrnchik9014]

She sounds like a victim of a narcissist who never got over the abuse. They weren't heard in the marriage and they become consumed with trying to "right" that circumstance by talking it out and getting validation. Overcoming that type of abuse is very difficult because the abuse eats up one of your most precious commodities--time. Then you use up even more of it trying to overcome the damage. But sometimes people get stuck at one stage and can't accept what was done to them. Help her to accept it and to move on. That is what a real friend does. If you can't do it, then encourage her to get into counseling. She likely knows she is not being heard or validated so she keeps trying to get htat from you. Give it. Or refer her elsewhere.

[@sanctusignis9746]

Suggest therapy for her.

[@elliemaywesserfield8734]

After accidentally overhearing my sister's covert attempt at manipulating my mother to turn against me, relentlessly pressuring her against her will and desire, I not only stepped in and confronted her directly but made her aware of the fact that it wasn't the first time I have heard her "secret operations"!! She was like 'oh my G-d!' - as if "I" was the one doing something wrong! I later told her that if this continues I WILL call the police!

[@fahimad5108]

Fantastic👌

[@laturley7445]

Spot on. Thank you.

[@anitaroempke7310]

So. Nice and so true I wish narcs could listen to you

[@kimh2269]

I think they still would not see it as applying them, since they don't do anything wrong in the 1st place....:/

[@lollypopnarcy7585]

@@kimh2269 They are perfect, remember? They don't have to listen. They know it all anyway.

[@dieselkeizer3657]

An individual that engages in abusive controlling behavior on a consistent basis is going to lead a very empty and lonely life. It’s a kin to a kingdom or trying to rule the kingdom without any subjects, if you drive everybody away, what good is it trying to be a king (especially a self appointed one). Something to ponder on.

[@maricamaas5555]

Bravo... Variety is the spice of life! Submit to one another and find out what can be learned in whatever situation... Iron sharpens iron... Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time - 1 Peter 5:6

[@Joe17897]

Your the Man Dr Carter...I'd Rather Listen to you then " Dr Thrill Phil" You Bring COMMON LANGUAGE to the People that Tune in To COMMON SENSE and your View to Truly Help them...You are a Kind and Wonderful Soul...Thank you SIR...

[@hollyjee87]

thank you sir, your videos have been really great and helpful for me. thank you

[@operator026]

I struggle with being "controlling" but wishing I had more maturity around me. Where I would not have to "guide" anything!

[@DJ-fh7xn]

Excellent

[@MelisJoy]

I really hope you start making videos again. You are wonderful. Hope you are well

[@redsage5954]

For the last few months I have been working on myself as for as trying not to be so controlling in situations with a controlling person. Like you said; we all need to be aware of our own actions. 😅🤔🙏🏻

[@planetsavers5909]

Hi ,I have a sister who is a controller and I have a mother who is 85 and is a narcissist. My mother had a triple bypass at 85 . My brother and I took care of my mother day in and day out. My sister refused to visit my mother.but she would call her late at night and talk to her and give her bad ideas. Example told her she could go home and get nurses. But the doctor said that she needed to go to a rehab facility for a few weeks. With my sister saying this to my mother it made so much turmoil. I've tried to have a relationship with my brother and it was beautiful and healthy. And I tried to have a relationship with my sister but also to try to help my mother. My mother and sister just continuously kept acting out. And fed off of one another. To the point like I felt I was going to have a nervous breakdown. So I've decided to cut my mother and sister completely out of my life for my own health and sanity. My poor brother is caught in the middle of this and it's not talking to me now.he also has had previous cancer and five stents from a heart attack. If you have any feedback please let me know. Any suggestions would be great.

[@clairechapin6901]

I'm definitely not a controller. I thought might be but, I have done a lot of thinking about myself. I rarely try to control anything. My narc on the other hand, has a need to control everything and everyone. Thank you for your insight.

[@geoffreyshigali7268]

Am learning much about controller, I now realize how I have been a victim without knowing it. Here in Kenya many people go through this kind of life without knowing.

[@niva-orruvio1312]

Thank you 😊

[@JamesSmith-tn1sr]

I am dealing with grieving over my son who lives with a controlling covert narcissist wife. She also will do anything to control me. The problem, she has full understanding I am aware of her actions and what she is doing to control our family. My husband and I were accommodating for the first 5-6 years.We quietly say no when her demands for control and obsession with gather information will be used against us. When there is family time ( I no longer organize family time my son and daughter make all plans) she will come and eat and leave. Our son will stay with the grandkids for a couple of hours. You have helped me heal from the fear and anxiety that developed over the last fifteen years. I am reading You Are Not The Boss Of Me. I am still growing and learning! My pain that I feel is for my son. He is responsible, gentle, and a selfless individual. A magnet for a narcissist female. He is also prideful. He will not ask for help. The best way to describe how I feel is, grieving my son but he is living! I can’t fine peace. He is an adult making adult decision, I know I need to let it go! He also has a twelve year old daughter who show narcissist tendency! My daughter has to supervise playtime with the cousins due to our granddaughter being so verbally mean, controlling, selfish, and openly lies with the understanding we know she is lying! No remorse. Has never said I am sorry, she is twelve. We are heart broken! Sad! Our granddaughter will be third generation narcissist. That is a very powerful dysfunction! Robin

[@KourtKourt930]

I am called difficult for having a opinion. So exhausting.

[@quentindaniels7460]

*The Controller's Dirty Little Secret - Part 2* 1. High Controlling Style of Communication (Why?) - 2:03 2. Learn to Set Your Self-Centered Way Aside - 3:10 3. Controller Holds Uncertainty in Dealing with Differences - 3:58 *Thoughts to Consider* - 4:55 1. How Well Does the Control Mode Help in the Success of Relationships - 5:18 2. Notice What Your Controlling Behavior Does to You - 5:51 3. The Best Way to Be in Control is to Stop Trying to Be so In Control 6:35 *Conclusion* - 7:13

[@michellewilson9022]

Frank Dethers Because they are so insecure in the world they feel the need to try and control everyone...which is impossible and doomed for failure...I had a very toxic friend I just had to walk away.

[@lindsey9302]

Thank Doc

[@stopgeoengineeringus7513]

Thank you for your channel. So much good information. My question is or thought is this... I feel that others perceive me as the controller. I have been working and surviving around alpha males all my life. Is it possible that my behavior reflects that? I feel it makes it hard for men and women to understand me. I look femine yet sound alpha male. I have had extreme trauma all my life at the hands of alpha males father included (and a narcissistic mother). For the first time i have stopped and like a tidal wave i am getting hit w/ triggers n flashbacks from forgotten childhood memories to all other trauma in between. I feel like my defences have been put into automatic pilot. How do I stop the automatic self sabotaging? Crazy making stuff. I say or do things that seemingly come from nowhere that im aware of and offend people unintentionally. I figured its my higher self keeping those out that dont pass the trust test. But im not so sure anymore, i maybe scaring the good people away too. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[@malakhsarah5619]

Watching this as part of a class, where can I find the videos of the webinars you spoke about. it is now 2020 that I am viewing this

[@theadventuresofkiwi5472]

Good Day Dr. Carter and Fellow You Tubers, I think i may be a controller and i would go so far as to say that i may be a Narcissist. I have seen this tendency play out most strongly in my marital relation and i have found that as the more aware of these tendencies i became, and have done nothing about, the more emotionally detached i became in my marriage and the more emotionally callous and cynical ive become overall. I don't know if this tendency plays out in any real meaningful way outside of my marriage, but,i do have a real bad habit of getting into arguments, for the sake of arguing, @ work; I never really saw this as a defect, but, if i am to be honest most times this habit is born out of an insecurity an insecurity that i am not as intelligent as some or as intelligent as i would like to believe, and this has placed me in situations where i have lie to weasel my way out of trouble. I don't know if this is as far as my insecurity runs or if it runs a little deeper; my father and mother are Narcissists, i suspect, and were , although never physically abusive, never really involved in the development of my character in any sincere way......I really like the idea of finding identity within my self, independently of everybodys input, but ive really no idea how to begin. I would like to add on a side note that i like your philosophy of inherent worth and dignity in the individual and actually hold to this, politically speaking, but i have no idea how to apply this in any way in my personal life as i am insecure and seeking validation in everybody and anybody around me and i lash out, in my own way, when, naturally, the opposite happens. I furthermore am developing a habit of placing blame for my shortcomings in my character on my family as they never took any part in it although i have all the power to change and i recognize it, but, here again, i haven't the fainest idea of where to begin. Thank you for taking the time to read this and any input, however terse or brief, is really appreciated(i have faith that most on this page is probably either sincerely looking to change their character or is the recipient of this childish behavior and such please dont demonize me as "the other" for identifying myself as a possible narcissist, i dont like having a bad influence on other's life). Thank you

[@josephineananda]

Thank you.

[@rhondafricker3656]

They try to get their way and may try to bluff as a defence in the face of threat!

[@jefrossman3858]

Hello Rhonda, how are you doing?

[@miguelpazos2334]

The things people call love remind me of a song by Santana. ...a little bit of this, a little bit of that It started with a kiss ... A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain ... It's all in the game of love.

[@gracewarrior5354]

Just wanting mine & my son's Legal RIGHTS, being humanely implemented in a FAIR & TIMELY MANNER 🙏😇💕

[@Sophie-Ocean]

thank you ! i think the narcissist i am dating felt for a narcissist woman and that he has now been through hell since over a month, when she begin to go on her true face narcissistic mode on him ..karma!

[@user-se5gg5cy4y]

I work like a slave 7 days a week to be homeless penniless and insulted.

[@victoriastallard]

I have known a few controllers In my life. Here's my first question when you have a controller in your life is it ok that if you feel they're too controlling is it ok to just get away from them for a while? Like taking a walk? Here's my second question? When there is a controller in your life do they just control you for their own benefit & to see how long you'll take it?

[@lollypopnarcy7585]

I discovered my own controlling attitude recently. 😵😖 Thanks Dr Carter.

[@annemwangi2086]

Thank you so much for this information,i wish i new this befor i got married.

[@Ama28]

I have this coworker that asks me to do stuff for her but shes not a supervisor and shes disrespected me in the past. How do you tell them you dont want to be a part of whst their asking you without retaliation? It seems like if i tell her does my supervisor want me to help you with that shes going to argue and i dont want that energy.

[@linab525]

That's exactly my mother-in-law. Texting every day in messenger, sending photos of the food cooked, flowers blooming, snow snowing, again food. Never ending. Waiting to be praised. When I didn't reply for a day she texted "hi, how are you? I'm bad. I mean, I'm so sad, you have forgotten me". I'm like "what" ???? My first reaction was "I'm very sorry for the way you feel....". My second reaction was searching in the Internet how to deal with it. Third step was blocking. She pretends to be sweet to everyone. I'm being told by her relatives "you are lucky to have such a nice lovely mother-in-law". She splits poison as soon as those relatives are out of her house, judging that someone waisted money on buying something, somebody else waisted time on going somewhere. I just pull my husbands sleeve saying "here we go, masks off". A year ago I started ignoring her parties, she is like an attention seeker organising one a month to have everybody at hers. Might sound nice but it's a pure control, disrespect to the needs of the others "you must definitely come, otherwise mom is upset, she loves you so much". Manipulation, control, just sick. I'm trying to distant myself from this person although she plays "love" and is a social darling to everyone. In Russian we call it "a snake in syrop". Thank you so much Dr. Les Carter for opening my eyes on all that!

[@lunamarie1162]

Equal to Equal AMEN!!!!!

[@albertovillagomez404]

Thank you Dr. Carter for these great videos. Is this an inheritable personality trait or the person becomes narcissistic as they grow?

[@SomeBuddy777]

Oh my gosh! He has them pegged!

[@Notme811_you]

Dr Cárter. Why do I always doubt my own perspective? I analyze the people around me and whenever I things like this I find that I am more or less on the dot. Yet I always doubt myself and it prevents me from making decisions that are right from me.

[@rosechapa2342]

Do controllers use rejection and emotional abuse? And why? Are they also do avoidance style?

[@skydog8959]

My question is when you need to have a difficult conversation with a controlling person, they can immediately react defensively, aggressively, or engage in avoidance behavior. How can I start this conversation to minimize these responses by the controlling person?

[@darknessfierce4209]

A caring heart can try to help the controller and it doesn’t help either of them

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

Great videos and messages there!!! ...on the lighter side... Did you ever wonder if that one chair was the only one straight... and maybe (just maybe) the whole rest of the universe was f***ed up? Whenever there's a consensus or conventional paradigm of thought, is it normal to "automagically" get the instinct to "go exactly opposite" or directly anti-thesize that convention? (I know, you only wanted two... but it's really just an extension of the second)... Is there a "technical term" for some disorder that predisposes one to "Devil's Advocacy"? ...and before the archetype smiley sign-off, no... you don't actually have to answer seriously. ;o)

[@kathrynnorrisctmltbsascp2913]

You rock, doc. It's good that you can talk To the Narcs, and not just about them. Because it makes for a good long-term behavior therapy test, Can a Narc change? If so, how, by what technique? We lose nothing by trying to study every aspect of hope for every person. Anything above zero is still greater than nothing. 😀

[@jefrossman3858]

Hello kAthryn , how are you doing?

[@tonypalughi9541]

I've watched many of Your videos - It seems that The Narcissist Pattern is counted by a narcissist response - Perhaps The Nature Of The Beast Thingy.

[@KoolT]

Great information for ex in laws and ex spouses here.

[@rachaelmarie3917]

This is interesting can narcissists ever be in love? Or do they lie about there feelings?

[@jeanmcginnis9804]

Rachael Panipucci Just my opinion but I live with a narcissist and if their mouth is moving,they are lying. He told me he loves me then says it was just lust or he felt sorry for me.I am disabled now with nowhere to go.I fell for the lies but he is a textbook narcissist.I wish I would of known then what I know now.He says he loves but doesn't show love.I have learned never to go by what someone may tell you,go by how they treat you.

[@jvc8947]

They can love. It’s a childish love that is one sided and selfish, but it can be sincere. It’s also very dependent on external and immediate circumstances.

[@candelariafarina1133]

I am an independent thinker, a loner of sorts, an empath. My co-worker is a "nice" narcissist and a control freak. She has been giving me the silent treatment for a year and now she is badmouthing me...She has not gotten any reactions from me...but I'm just about to explode. What to do? I get sick just thinking that I have to go back to work every morning and deal with her passive aggressiveness....She is constantly trying to make me look bad...

[@barbaramarrabell4499]

Sorry Ik this sounds rough 💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

She'd love nothing more than you exploding. I've uploaded several brand new videos on You Tube under the channel, Surviving Narcissism. See if you can locate it. Many more videos to come. Dr. C

[@Sunsosweetandnice]

Wow, how do you handle that in a work environment? How come your co-worker gets away with bad-mouthing you?

[@ismailbukhashm7893]

JD Jones 😂

[@victorialaidlaw6237]

Please watch diabolical narcissism by Ann barnhardt video above. Narcissists are everywhere. THANK YOU for your videos ....they have great insight to understanding narcissists. Blessings

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these comments. I'm just putting together a new You Tube channel called Surviving Narcissism. Dr. C

[@melissaadams8773]

I don't think any narcs are watching & listening to this. They don't need any help becoming a real person, cause this doesn't apply to them. I'm listening & applying your techniques though.

[@dANbRnL]

Controllers and control behavior comes in so many different forms. My lovely wife tends to use the children as a control technique. She limits my access to them and never allows any interactions with them that she is not directly involved with. It hurts me greatly when I'm constantly undermined, belittled and treated like a fifth wheel with my kids. My lovely wife absolutely enjoys the control that the kids gives her. I guarantee that she knows there's no way on earth that I'd stick around if it wasn't for the kids.

[@momto3souls58]

Is the Free to Be content or workshop available now?

[@nicolemikhaiel122]

My husband is verbally abusive and controlling and narcissistic. Lately he is giving me silent treatments and then blaming me for not talking to him and ignoring him like I am the one who announced the silent treatment. It feels like I am the one abusing him. He does the same with our intimate life. I often feel like I am pushed and pulled verbally. I don't him to feel that way, but I have to admit that I try to avoid conflict, because he hurts me when we talk about things and he actually doesn't listen. He just waits until I really say something wrong and then yells at me forever. How can I deal with that in a good way? How can I regain myself again in an verbally abusive relationship? I am thinking of going back to work after so many years being a at home mom, but I am afraid that I can handle work and home and the abuse because of all the stressors and he would take the money anyway. Do I need to be at I best strength to take the step to work? What if he gives me even harder time at home and I lose the job? What should I do?

[@jusayenso8186]

...Nicole....It appears you only watched a few videos or don't fully realize you need to understand that drastic times call for drastic measures. Listen closely!....not one commenter out of the last 1000 commenters ever said they regretted they are worse off. No matter what creature comfort sacrifices they made to find a relatives or friends temporary roof over their head, so many talk about that elusive, indescribable...feeling of being "free from their narc". Every narc knows the "hostage game". They depend on your fear of "change", especially when they control the money in the household, which is so common. That incredible feeling of freedom is really what what you haven't experienced. Stop thinking your life is not a total dumpster fire! Get the heck away....or you will keep paying. Want antiseptic advice that is easier to swallow? It's here. But the fact is, 99.9% of victims are wasting precious freedoms every day they look for bandaids to a serious life threatening problem. Get out that cesspool of mind entrapment you have gotten sucked into. Many victims get so devalued thinking they are total losers that they commit suicide. That's the ugly truth!

[@carinfelska3630]

Nicole Mikhaiel , I get it, run

[@69LOLIN]

Leave that man....run fast!

[@lyndabrown1626]

The controller in my life wouldn't have stayed around to listen to even 5 minutes of this. I can see him tuning out while walking away...every, single time! He doesn't need any help...according to him. It's why "no contact" is really the only way to go with these subhumans.

[@richardmonday3774]

Will you be having a new workshop soon?

[@happygucci5094]

How do you respond to someone else that says " Yeah ok you're right" ( sarcastic voice) When I was trying to explain my point of view- not to be right but to hopefully gsin a better mutual understanding?

[@rondone8702]

That sounds like a great idea I was just wondering if you have any of them coming up in the future and if so if I could get notified I love to be able to have the opportunity to better myself in any way for myself and for others very important to me. I know it's a little bit different when you're running a HVAC company and some customers get like this they call us as a professional and when you get there they tell you exactly what they want done I have had that happen to me I couldn't tell you how many times I used to handle it with care very fragile because I respect the theory of they've been misled and probably been ripped off multiple times from an HVAC contractor I used to take the time and go over these areas with them and explaining better concern is my best interest on getting the problem fixed for them. But then as time goes on and of course I have had issues in my life let's hurt me a great deal I've got myself lately when they think they know it all how good an invoice out write down word for word what they want done and how they want it done and ask them to sign it if this is what they need at customer request this is what you want I'm suggesting to you another route but if you feel you know more than me then sign on the dotted line of course that doesn't work out for them, especially knowing that I have not even got to diagnose their problem on their system but when they are such a bull in a China cabinet I feel that I have taught them a valuable lesson most of the time when I come back because I do call you back very quickly I tell you how you screwed up and they're going to hold you responsible for fixing it the proper way at that point I pull out the invoice I show them what they said and what they wanted done. 80% of the time they realize they was wrong so I never charged them additionally to do the diagnosis that I was there to do and the first place so actually it's more costly for me to do it this way but sometimes I have felt that they have to learn they have to trust someone and it's a damn shame when goodness stands in front of a person most people cannot recognize it which is understandable to a point and that's when you have to step aside what's your own feelings and look at it from another point of view realizing that there's so many of us I get abused from other people but sometimes I do make mistakes and that's when I readjust my train of thinking and clear my conscience and go back out there with a clean slate because I know how abusive people can be. God bless

[@princhipessa1969]

Excellent! Wish I could send these to my ex.

[@jefrossman3858]

Hello 👋

[@rhondafricker3656]

They are probably trying to scare them away!

[@OldToughDW]

After reading the comments going back for almost a year. I don't know who is more messed up; the Narcissist or the commenters on this video. I am glad I don't have y'all's therapy bills. Life is filled with choices and we are never told in advance the consequences of choosing, because a good choice can have bad consequences. I and I alone am responsible for my choices and actions, or my words, and any consequences that they produce. So are you. But instead of people being responsible the people commenting here blame everything on someone else, because they are "a narcissist." No matter what they did to you, it doesn't make them the one responsible for your problems after you leave them. That is all you, and only you, who is the one doing it to yourself and blaming them.

[@darlenepaul2918]

You obviously have never been abused by a narcissist so you have NO clue.I don't blame you for that and I'm glad you've never gone through that.Those of us that have have been abused for YEARS by these viscious people and it has left its mark on us. We're just trying to recover and survive.

[@andrewwalker1377]

Oh darn This was published 2017 is there any new workshops on this subject or records of the earlier ones? Hope Dr Les is doing well

[@just_peachy6582]

Andrew Walker I want to know the same

[@sarahstrong7174]

O.k. You asked for questions. This maybe a little awkward but my question is what can I do about the fact that my brothers & other family members are still controlled by things said by my mother about me, even though she has been dead for more than four years now. I have maintained a friendly relationship with them but my mother, who was a far more impressive person than I will ever be, still largely controls the way they see me. They are still pretty much in denial about how abusive she was, which they are able to be as I was the main focus of the abuse when it came to violence & narcissistic abuse, (& though I was beaten unconscious quite a few times, of course she never let herself be seen doing that, though they are aware she could be violent, as she lashed out at all of us when annoyed). Also I was the one who suffered extreme & constant emotional & psychological abuse, gaslighting etc, which she encouraged them to join in with. I was constantly made to feel completely worthless, told I was mad, crazy etc. My mother told everyone, including my friends & teachers, I was 'a lazy, useless, selfish, daughter who does nothing to help', when the truth was I was actually doing a lot of the housework (plus babysitting my brothers most nights) & would have done even more, if it wasn't for the fact that the more I did the angrier she became. She never ever even once, even with one word, acknowledged any of the work I put into the household. Once when I was a young adult in my mid-twenties I added up all the hours work I put into that household per week at the age of around 14 & I worked out that, even if I had been paid at the most basic rate that teenagers got paid for babysitting at that time, I would have been able to rent a room & manage, just, to live independently. The trouble is that it seems impossible to talk about was happening back then, with my brothers, or about how my mother treated me at all. If I try to mention or touch upon the way our parents treated us at all, even in the briefest & lightest way, they just start giving me the silent treatment. I realise that denial is probably their way of coping & I do try to respect that & very rarely mention sensitive subjects but it is clear, certainly with the one who is most entrenched in denial, if not the other one, who is a little less so, that they still beleive what she said & share her attitudes towards me to a certain extent. Even if they are mostly polite about it, it is very hard for me to bear this constant 'down-looking'. It is very frustrating for me not to be able to talk about our young years with either of them. In fact if it had not been for me my brothers would quite likely have left school illiterate, when she heard them read, when they were in the early stages of learning, she used to shout at them for the slightest mistake & sometimes hit them too & you can imagine the effect that had on their progress. It was I who intervened & at the age of twelve, started hearing them read & giving them masses of encouragement, before she came home from work. But they do not remember that, nor do they seem to remember that it was I that stayed in most nights to be there for them while our mother went out socialising. Nor do they seem to remember the way I worked hard in that house, its as though instead of their memories, which would have included, me bringing them drinks, washing up, (especially when they were older & would have been the one drying up), hanging out their laundry, ironing their school shirts, prepareing their potatoes etc, their memories have been supplanted by her brainwashing. So thats it, thats my question, what can you do, when the deceased abuser still has control of the rest of the families view of you, especially when they are not really open to discussing the abuse or the abuser?

[@misty4822]

After 20 years of being married, was told it was my fault that’s why ended. Then when I asked why didn’t they tell me or what can I do to make it better I was told I had to figure it out. Any suggestions?

[@taylorthomas8869]

This is manipulation you can’t figure it out because you didn’t do anything wrong they will make it all of your fault so they don’t have to deal with the burden. They are not a good person or try to do right by people, they do the exact opposite. There’s nothing you could do the issue lies within him. Take your power and dignity back I told mine straight up he was manipulating me so he could go do whatever it was he wanted to do and I knew it. They hate it when we know exactly what they are.

[@Ishana_Intuitive]

I have made the experience, that controlling people need a lot of validation to calm down first and be receptive. Would you agree? For me I stop controlling, when the other person takes responsibility for his/her life. The dynamic is always like that. I run from clinging, needy and dependent people. I just don't tolerate them for a long time. It's too exhausting.

[@marianneg5746]

Hi i ha ve 1 question... I been with an overt grandyous narc for 10 years i kicked him out i find out he cheated he hade a hard time t say sorry and he told me but i say sorry too i ask for what cleaning ironing decorate your home outside for christmas cleaning the pool showel snow ect? My question is do u think im doing good.? I m by myself since i broke up last may never ever dated ..once my friend called me t go learn batchata dance l was freaking out to dance with many mans and l never go back..i heard mamy commit suicide after a break when l kicked him out next day the suicide touth crossed my mind i said what was it? And l brushed it off..im lonely but im happy..i like it christmas is here no pressure what to wear or buy..so u think its normal to be fine alone for 1,5 yrs after 10 years of abuse? Without any help..l was going to theraphy l told her l was abused by a narc she didn't wanna hear it so im alone healing its not a way long time? I heard usually u need 30% of that time what u been with a partner to heal like for 10 yrs u need 3 yrs and for this worst type of narc i think im doing good no? Thank you for your time to read this long story..

[@veronicazrnchik9014]

There exists some people who fully understand what they are doing when they inflict control over others. Those extremely pathological people work extremely hard to get people into helpless dependent circumstances so they can inflict extreme control over them. Not by accident. This situation is plotted, planned and nurtured. Extreme control is what they want, they know they want it, and they get it at all costs to you. While this isn't the audience you are presenting for it seems, it might be good to just touch on the fact that there are people who fall into the extremes of this behavioral control and do so with malice and forethought.

[@lisbethbird8268]

Yup. Thanks for this reminder! They're horrible.

[@meredithmercedes9475]

How can you get through a controller when you say it is over and de person continuously talking about the future together? It is like the person doesn’t hear you.

[@carinfelska3630]

Yourhealthcounts 2 , you have to make changes,, 50 ways to leave your lover.

[@Sophie-Ocean]

I have looked for answers since months, and very intensively fro the past 2 months and then i listened to you and the chip doped i couldn't believe it, exactly what he did and many sentences you said a narcissus will say he had said to me a million times! damn! i became so angry. Something was very wrong with me, sure, i was the one facing a narcisse and being his supply. Instead to be so interested by alternative psychology as Kurpatov he should have listen a bit to classical psychology. You will not believe the monstrous stories he made up! And i am afraid that narcissism is not his alone handicap.. It was often like watching someone planting a knife in my heart and looking at me crying saying "why do yo do this to me? why?? poor me!" I want revenge! He did me the crying sessions for a very long time before going over the screaming ones and often mixing both. But there was always a very weird feeling in both cases. the crying never seemed real. I couldn't feel it as real. It has been a super strange journey. I am still in chock of what just discovered through your videos. Actually i begin wit one form a woman doctor explaining differences between narcissism psychopath and sociopath. and it scared me. cause i could recognize him. I heard of narcissism before but had no idea actually of what it imply. I have been so dumb to dont have inform me of it before. i was looking everywhere, his mothers relation with him, but he was very and increasingly resisting any attempt to resolve the issue. .. if it had to imply any work on him. He ended up talking of natural dissonance between us, as i couldn't be him i suppose, I feel so angry. he is going to pay for that. I feel fireringly explosively angry inside. Geez i was trying to help a professional jerk! It sounds so nice put that way..

[@darlenepaul2918]

Dr Carter could you please write a book thats directly aimed at controller/ narcs for those of them who do seek greater awareness and change.Everyone has given up on them and says there's no hope.However I don't think God has given up on them and their families.I'm sure with your wisdom you would be wise in how you approached them.

[@xintisousvrimlisus4368]

Controller of many types, manipulators of many types: what they have in common is to have an audience at someone else's expense, Lifeforce, and their trauma. Somehow becomes one or the others trauma as if they're not important at all in a way they should be acknowledged and not out of me me me. This issue is very important to be acknowledged as if someone got a bruise or cut or broken bone but unfortunately how long will it take for someone to notice this issue especially the controllers and manipulators until the end up on the TV show Snapped, or some other criminal TV Justice System case that probably never get solved anyway until decades later or they take up a medium.😃

[@litabagnas7584]

I found out more secrets .. Thats why I want to talk to you. I feellike screaming and crying.

[@BMPMethod]

The only thing I can control is me. Oh, And my 7,000 lb vehicle. Also who I spend time with and what I eat and drink.

[@pusscat5161]

Yes be a supporter rather than a controller

[@operator026]

How do I deal with a wife that lets her children also be a part of the controlling that seems like I in response counters because they have selfish motives and she does not see it.

[@suzannepeters2133]

Does this apply to controlling children also?

[@Mike-xt2lh]

Or controlling parents as well .