The manipulation of Emily Gilmore | season one

[@kaylarizzo3586]

Richard only defended her from Christopher's parents when it became an attack on himself and not the fact that they were outwardly + consistently insulting their daughter. After the fight when Lorelei talked to her dad, he was so rude to her. They really underestimate how much Lorelei has done. She moved out so young, had a child despite how poorly everyone was treating her for being pregnant, got her own house, runs a nice hotel. While Christopher, who her parents endlessly praise, comes to Lorelei because he's broke and somehow that's Lorelei's fault?

[@kierralovestv]

!!!!!

[@findparadise]

THANKYOU. To me, she's such a clear example of an abusive mother. She constantly talks down to Lorelai like a child, manipulates her, criticises, mocks and controls her. Even the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. And anytime Lorelai tries to voice her own wants, needs, boundaries or expresses any of this, her mother just mocks her. It's like Emily was always acting like she was in competition with her own daughter, and it really is very sad when Lorelai just wanted her mother's love. I can really relate heavily to that feeling. Edit: I also really loved your thoughts on cancel culture. I really agree.

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you sm I’m so glad this was helpful I get so many comments with people who just don’t understand where the manipulation is and I see it and it drives me insane

[@kristinak6092]

I wished they negotiated dinners sometime between m-th when she asked for the loan and balked at the friday night dinners, it would have shown they were just desperate to have time w their kid and grandkid and they wouldn't be so awful. But monopolizing an important night for a single person, that's not cool.

[@not-a-ghost2206]

@@kristinak6092 no they are awful either way because they outplay both. Remember the yale game? They didn't want her to go to spend time with thir granddaughter -who fits so much more perfectly in the picture of an academic family (at least they wat to portray themselves as such). This would just redeem Emily fom the hurt she has done, in every scenario its lorelai that apologises even though the bad thing she has done was keeping boundaries. She "balked" at Friday night dinners because she was sick of the manipulation. And Emily acted hurt because she didn't have sth to hold over lorelais head anymore.

[@pauldicksley]

PLEASE EVERYONES ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW MUCH THEY LOVE HER AND IM LIKE….

[@nerdywatercolorist6551]

@@kierralovestv do you think that the emotional abuse comes from a place of Abandonment issues (and definitely peer pressure too)?

[@cedricjones7560]

When she tried to break up Lorelai and Luke in season five by using Christopher to come between them, that was the worst thing she ever did!

[@kierralovestv]

I can’t wait to talk about that episode

[@miacarvalho8732]

And then she goes "I joined them back in why she's not coming to dinner?????" Woman, how about saying "I'm sorry"? Truth is, despite what Emily constantly does to lorelai , Lorelai is always there to support her. When Richard went away, lorelai went and got her a DVD player and all of her favorite musicals. I seriously doubt that Emily knows the titles of Lorelais favorite show. And she's so convinced that she knows everything about Lorelai, she dismisses Lorelai by mocking her "uh my daughter is such a mystery to me. Why does lorelai does this And that??" And then later in the episode she goes to visit her daughter at her home for the first time ever!

[@alyzu4755]

Kelly Bishop has said that she's always amazed when people tell her how much they love Emily, because Emily is "horrible". 😊 I'm always amazed that Emily and Richard continuously praise Rory and never see (at least until the last episode) that Lorelei is the one who raised her. Great video, as always!

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you! & yes to this, exactly

[@TheXander360]

I love the character from the safety of a whole nother world lol if I had to work for her or have her for a mom maybe not so much

[@eej1983able]

I love Kelly ❤️ such a great actress in this role

[@JillHope-Bailie-xt5gw]

I agree with you 110 percent

[@victoriapitetta3831]

They do realized Lorelai raised Rory. Everytime Rory does not behave like they expect, they blame Lorelai. But when Rory is _perfect" it has nothing to do with her mother.

[@katevenhorst1723]

Personally, Emily’s most awful example of toxicity was when she broke up Luke and Lorelai and did not understand why Lorelai was upset about it. Even when she went back and told Luke she’d “stay out of it” and they got back together, she thought she was the one who “saved” their relationship. Insane.

[@isobel_mary]

Even though Emily is toxic, I don’t think enough people talk about Richard, which you did touch on but I need a whole video. I, personally, despise that misogynistic, demanding, apathetic man-child.

[@roux823]

I think Lorelei should get tons of credit for leaving at 16. She made a decision to remove herself, a child, and her daughter, another child, from an unsafe place. She did something a lot of adults are unable to do. Also, I think it is interesting that that event is the main sticking point in a lot of the problems in her relationship with her parents. They can’t forgive Lorelei for the event in which she was a much better parent to Rory than they ever were to her. I think that says a lot.

[@angelaholmes8888]

Yep lorelai made the smart choice to leave her parents home with rory because she wasn't happy there and wanted her daughter to grow up in a loving healthy space I totally respect her

[@NameWithoutNumber]

Rory's childhood wouldn't have been as great as it was if she stayed (even with Lorelai's own flaws she still created a much safer home environment). I'm frustrated seeing fans criticize that decision.

[@TheLoonyBird]

Exactly

[@ummmmigotnothing]

I love Emily because of Kelly Bishop’s portrayal of her and the way she can show those moments of duality when you see she wants things to be different between her and Loreali but can’t breakaway from what she has always done and ultimately doubles down

[@angelaholmes8888]

Yeah kelly bishop did a great job as Emily

[@nichebaby30]

I was just coming to say this. Kelly Bishop does an amazing job as Emily. So amazing that i try to convince myself that Emily isn’t that bad when she is actually truly terrible. I wish we could what trauma Emily went thru to get her to that point.

[@deeanashevtsova8915]

I was so shocked when I learned some people don’t see Emily as a toxic mother. Like I thought it was clear as day that her character was created to be toxic and manipulative, to me it was like common sense?? If you genuinely believe Emily is a good mom and doesn’t display narcissistic qualities than you either have a narcissist in your life and refuse to accept that (so therefore you see their toxic behaviour as normal) or *you are* the narcissist. I think it boils down to that.

[@neeliknowsnothing]

Thank you! The way people criticize Lorelai for her irrational behavior around her parents, especially Emily, frustrates me to no end. One of the worst instances of her financial abuse to me was when Rory approached Emily regarding the termites incident. Fans blame Lorelai for letting her pride get in the way of asking for money, but in the end Lorelai was right when it came to this being another thing Emily will use to manipulate her. When she asked her straightforward what the price for the helping with the loan would be, Emily acted hurt and angry till Lorelai apologized. And then she set up DAR meetings at the inn knowing Lorelai couldn't say no now. Basically gaslighting Lorelai into apologizing when she correctly identifies manipulation, and then using both the money and the apology as a way to invade the boundaries Lorelai has set for them. I love Kelly Bishop and even empathize with Emily, but Emily is a terrible mother.

[@kierralovestv]

!!!!!!!!!!! Perfectly said. Perfectly

[@Aelffwynn]

That episode made me so sad. I do wonder where she would have gotten the money if Emily hadn't stepped in. She had already turned down a loan from Luke, but would she have changed her mind? Gotten a payment plan of some kind from a construction company? Gone into massive credit card debt? Or just lost the house? I do think she has a "golden parachute" (with huge strings attached) and so even though it's toxic, she ends up using it rather than dealing with the alternative pain of losing the house and/or getting into crushing debt. "The devil you know" and all that. I had a conversation with someone about Rory and Lorelai's use of the Golden Parachute and how they maybe would have been better off without it. If Lorelai had decided not to send Rory to Chilton, they probably would have been okay and still done well in life. Rory possibly would have done better. Maybe they would have been forced to sell the house or struggle to pay to fix it, but they still could have afforded someplace to live. Maybe Rory would have had to get scholarships to a state school or something, but she would have done well. The list goes on.

[@malloryweeks3306]

I would have taken the loan from Luke rather than Emily. The way Emily went to the meeting with Lorelei and acted toward her was so mean.

[@not-a-ghost2206]

@@malloryweeks3306 yep same. That's the only scene where lorelais "pride" comes in. She doesn't want to beg her friends. I'm the end that's something she learned from her parents as well -you can't be too dependent on others that makes you, in their eyes, weak. And so lorelai internalises that, we see it throughout the entire show that being vulnerable is her big pet peeve. She could've also splitted it, in asking Luke, sookie or patty, but that's just how she is traumatised. In the end receiving a check which was made for a transaction is both her and Richard. He takes after the cold factual side of manipulation (i can see him as a father say stuff like "sighing is a form of disrespect" and lorelai being completely unsure who to behave around him) while Emily is the hot, acting out side.

[@malloryweeks3306]

@@not-a-ghost2206 true. Though I love Richard as a grandfather. Even some moments between him and Lorelei were really sweet. Same with Emily

[@thewordsmith5440]

The toxic mom of the year. Her pretending she didn't know why Lorelei needed to escape her constant criticism. If your daughter would rather live in a shed than be in an mansion with you that says a lot.

[@isadoraportella5856]

gilmore girls was the show that made me realize how toxic and abusive my mom is, and for that i'll be always grateful. it's truly a relief videos like this from people who have been trought abuse cause sometimes makes you think you're crazy when you open up about all that. thank you for this video.

[@xsenobe4396]

Emily is histrionic and probably narcissistic/borderline (hard to tell, I can see traits of both). My favorite episode to understand Emily's psyche is the one she visits Stars Hallow and she's in a great mood, bonding and all, up to the moment Rory shows her the shed Lorelei run away to. Then the guilt hits her like a truck and she flips. In cluster B personality disorders people really struggle with black and white thinking and accepting that something or someone can have good and bad traits. That's why they tend to split the negative and positive and project it to other people, where they can safely devalue (or idealize in the case of good) it and not deal with difficult emotions of shame that come up (in opposition to the healthy guilt that is NOT the same as shame, because shame is "I AM bad" and guilt is "I DID bad"). Since they don't have a healthy guilt, that allows us to address our mistakes in constructive manner, they have to work around it and that's why they will pick a scapegoat and a golden child. In GG Lorelei is Emily's scapegoat, and Rory is for the most of the series (except the part she stayed with her grandparents and started to disobey Emily, on which point we hear "you're just like your mother" = devaluation) a golden child, everything that Lorelei was supposed to become, all the hopes and dreams Emily had for her daughter. I'm sad that she never got proper therapy, it seems like Emily treated Lorelei exactly like she was being treated by Richard's mother and I wonder how things were in her family of origin. I love the character Emily Gilmore, don't get me wrong, she would be a nightmare of a person, but I think the writers really captured the dynamics of relationships with cluster B people, showing the damage it can do while still giving us a glimpse of what is going on inside their heads, why they are how they are. I also like how those ugly traits migrated to both Lorelei and Rory, even though it made them less likable (the best example is how much people dislike who Rory became - those are the consequences of being idealized, not pretty).

[@LabyrinthTaylorsVersion]

I feel so bad for lorelai for always being despised, and left out by her parents. She has never had anyone to lean on either, because Richard didn't know how to show his emotions in a healthy way. That was a huge house, but it wasn't a home.

[@kierralovestv]

A WORD

[@SamrahKhan101]

Richard's mom probably inflicted a lot of generational trauma, in season 1 when we finally meet her, Emily acts the same avoidant way Lorelei does to Emily, and Richard's mom praises Lorelei for being self sufficient but ignores Emily and treats her like not good enough for Richard. It seems Emily competes with Lorelei because she needs unconsciously for have the approval of Richard's mom that Lorelei is successful because of Emily's parenting, not just Richard's genes. She repeatedly made comments that indicates that any reason Lorelai is self sufficient is because of Richard's side of the family, not Emily's good parenting. The effects of that show up in the show hard.

[@YRTTSSFS]

the simple fix for that would’ve been Emily actually being a good parent

[@briauna2003]

I’m a psych grad student and you KNOCKED this video out of the park! Come on references and receipts! I’ve watched majority of your content (especially Gilmore), but this has been my favorite so far. I hope this becomes a series, and I’m so proud of you for making this video. Emily is a textbook example of a toxic narcissistic Mother, and you made so many great points, and had credible sources to back them up. I look forward to all your videos, and I love the new mic❤.

[@kierralovestv]

Wow I was wondering how this might be perceived to someone who actually knows this stuff on that level. Thank you sm ☺️🫶🏽

[@maggiedk]

Yesss! It's always been so frustrating to me when people are like "yeah Emily was toxic in some ways, but Lorelai was hard to deal with, and just leaving the house without saying anything was mean/immature!" Like... Lorelai was literally a CHILD when she left. Acting as if she shares the blame with Emily for how their relationship turned out completely ignores the fact that *Emily is the one responsible for the way Lorelai behaves!*

[@activatedcharcoal]

YESSSS!!!

[@liviabordeianu5895]

Honestly people always blame the child s behaviour, not the conditions parents developed for that behaviour to have place. Its amusing and interesting that the biggest control freak parents have the most problematic children, why? Being controlled excessively can create too results: be a people pleaser or display opposite behaviour, Lorelai chose the second option.

[@atlantissatlas]

another thing worth mentioning about how Lorelai acts childish, going through trauma can have an effect on the brain similar to drugs where you kinda get stuck in that age. and especially since she was forced to grow up so quickly, her brain is more like a child because this is her only outlet to be a child

[@Ohwellkathy]

I love this. I can not believe when I see people online saying that Lorelai does not appreciate her mother or that she is ungrateful which is insane to me how they do not see that Emily is not a good mother and there is a reason a 16 yo decided to live anywhere else than with her rich parents.

[@kierralovestv]

Exactly

[@krose6451]

Some reasons for it I think is 1. Seeing some of themselves or their parents in her so they do not want to face that implication 2. They had parents who were more obviously abusive while providing much less privilege and so look at it from a view of "that's not real abuse" or that the privileges would be worth putting up with it 3. Envy. They would have liked to grow up with Emily as a mother because they are imagining the good of it. Privilege, attention, opportunity, so on and so forth. 4. They like Emily and ignore the rest because they dont want to see themselves as liking and enjoying a character who isnt actually good 5. They see how she is with Rory and assume that's how it was as a mother ignoring that plenty of people can be good grandparents while being sucky parents.

[@kashbrown14]

My god, I am so sick of people putting Lorelai down for "being ungrateful" and for calling her spoilt because she ran away! Emily is an overly critical, narcissistic, abusive, cold monster and Lorelai leaving is probably the best thing that could have happened for her. I can't stand watching any scene with the abusive Emily and the enabling Richard, they make me so angry!

[@Babysp1ce66]

The way I see sooo many people saying “Emily did nothing wrong” is SO aggravating bc it’s like did you even watch the show? Seriously. Thank you!

[@kierralovestv]

THIS.

[@kierralovestv]

Oh and you’re welcome 💗

[@ahumuzamuzoora]

FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT. You explained it so well! I've always thought Emily was SO toxic especially on rewatches, but the fandom and honestly the show itself doesn't really get that. I think the problem in the show isn't that Emily is a bad person but that she never realizes in the entirety of the 7 seasons and instead Lorelai is often treated like the problem and like she's over dramatic. She's meant to bend to Emily's will and constantly be the peacemaker while Emily remains blind to her faults. It infuriated me more with every season.

[@kierralovestv]

!!!! It angers you even more when you’ve experienced women like Emily firsthand

[@lucybarrington4634]

I had never heard the term “financial abuse” but Oh. My. God. I needed too.

[@MiaJ99]

I love your Gilmore girls videos!! It would be so great if you could talk about Emily’s strange relationship with Richard’s mother and how it was the show’s way of showcasing Emily’s very big insecurities.

[@kierralovestv]

Thank youuu 🥰

[@kyungiswriting4202]

This is emotional abuse, invalidation. and so much more, thank you for thoroughly explaining it I am glad that this channel talks about it.

[@Jo-dr3en]

THANK YOU. I am astounded by the number of fans who love Emily and see Lorelai as a brat. Lorelai isn't always perfect in her relationship with her mother, but to me, who grew up with parents Emily is reminiscent of, I always acutely aware of everything you pointed out here. Emily is hypercritical, controlling, and disrespectful toward Lorelai and to a lesser extent Rory, and she has no respect for boundaries with either of them. Emily is the kind of mother you have to make the tough decision to cut contact with, and I'm kind of horrified by how many people see her behavior toward Lorelai as being normal or owed tolerance.

[@lucybarrington4634]

I think anyone who hasn’t been the target of this kind of abuse really can’t see or understand it and how your gut literally clenches and twists while you’re enduring it. They see the abuse as innocent or not so bad you can just brush it off, you’re too sensitive etc... For me I was the target of an Aunt. I was an adult when people finally started to recognize that I was the target of this kind of thing.

[@anikasmucker3208]

This video made me tear up as a daughter who is currently still living with a toxic mom. Thank you so much. It helps feel understood sometimes.

[@kierralovestv]

I’m so sorry to read this. I hope things get better for you. It’s difficult and hard to get through but you can do it. Even if you feel like you can’t. I’m sending you a virtual hug rn I hope you have a good night/day 💗

[@anikasmucker3208]

@@kierralovestv thank you so much. 😘 I needed that today

[@beckycollins8923]

Take care and set boundaries

[@ReisaIsel]

great video!! while i think it’s important to examine nuances of emily’s character like others have, i don’t think many have taken a deep dive of the emotional abuse that lorelai had to go through. like you said, she would have rather been poor and live in a shed at the inn than to spend another day living with the gilmores. i loved that you used outside sources to show the abusive dynamic and i think this video is very important to examining gilmore girls 🥰

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you!!

[@krose6451]

And it wasnt just that she chose to leave. Some could write that off as impulsive and naive. She left yes but once out there in the world she chose to stay rather than going back. She chose day after day, over months and years to put in work and endure the hardships and likely a good deal of emotional strai from not being able to provide more for Rory then to return to the privilege and security her parents support would have offered. She chose it over and over because going back was just that unwelcome of an idea.

[@coffinbug]

i saw a lot of my grandmother in emily..... emily is abusive and manipulative as hell and people can't say she's not after watching this 💀 Lorelei was innocent in this and you can't blame her for leaving.

[@kierralovestv]

Nah there’s still people who are gonna comment about how Lorelai is the problem regardless of anything I said. Someone already did I’m sure by the time I wake up from my nap I’ll see more Emily stans here flooding in the comments

[@laloba6811]

The way people see Lorelai, as this immature, difficult, self centered person, when dealing with her parents, is such a good example of how people get judged for reacting to abuse. Because they do not realise or care that they are putting up with abuse, they just blame their reaction to it. Yes Lorelai appears stubborn and over reactive to Emily, but when you consider the context and how Emily in particular treats her I can totally get why. Her parents constantly try to control her life, lorelai was basically forced to cut them off to have her own sense of agency and identity.

[@laloba6811]

also side note i love how real this show is about relationships - how intricate and complicated they can be, how the characters upbringing can shape them into who they are and how they react to things

[@MiSolesito]

Can we also acknowledged that Rory got mad at her mom when she tried to pay back her parents for Chilton when she said she always would, and when Rory said "Well clearly they didn't WANT the money back." Lorelei claps back Rory by saying "Rory what would you have me do? Take a shot?" And Rory says "I don't know" It really does piss me off, because even Rory didn't even have a response to that and tried to play it like she was above Lorelei by taking the high road with the money.

[@kierralovestv]

Yeah that pissed me off tbh bc there was never a right way to handle that. If she didn’t give it back she would’ve been wrong, when she gave it back she was wrong. Emily was just mad bc she lost her control, that’s literally it.

[@MiSolesito]

@@kierralovestv yeah and the fact that Rory said that they threw her a party and were having a lovely time, doesn't really erase the trauma that Lorelei had with them as a child to teenage years. I mean yeah Lorelei had pretty decent moments with her parents during the friday night dinners or the days when she would visit them, but those moments will never erase trauma

[@kierralovestv]

@@MiSolesito !!!!!

[@kierralovestv]

@@MiSolesito like what’s one party over the hundreds of times they’ve tried to make her feel like a loser

[@MiSolesito]

@@kierralovestv Omg thank you exactly! It always hurt me when Emily made the dream bedroom for Rory but she couldn't the exact same thing to her own daughter when she was a teen, because it wasn't "proper" . When Lorelei said " You bought her cosmogirl, you got her boy band posters and you filled the room up with sunflowers and hello kitties notebook pads..." That to me broke my heart and made me tear up the first time I heard it 💔

[@jeilee3860]

What gets me is all the people who say Lorelei was too harsh with keeping her parents at a distance don’t acknowledge that Lorelei was never wrong about her parents. She would explain in detail exactly how they react to any given thing. Somebody would call Lorelei hysterical or say she was blowing things out of proportion. Then her parents would react the exact way she said they would. Almost every single time! But Lorelei was wrong for anticipating their crap and trying to avoid it? I understand Emily was trying to build/force a relationship with Rory and Lorelei but she only listened to her long enough to criticize Lorelei’s thoughts and feelings. She never believed this woman who actively separated herself from her support system and made something of herself knew what was best for herself.

[@serenitysubs933]

This is exactly why Emily was so angry when rorys dad paid for yale. She didn't have control over rory or lorelai anymore. She had nothing to hold over their heads or against them because deep down she knows shes unlikeable and its scared of being alone.

[@biblelovergirl]

‼️

[@koalaeucalyptus]

I know that the whole premise of the show is to start portraying the family dynamics when Lorelai asks for help to pay for Rory's tuition, but I would arge that this was the very beginning of Rory's downfall. Of course, her lack of boundaries with Rory was also a factor, but if Rory had finished her formative years working harder for her future, with no influence of arrogant rich kids and family members, she might have grown up to be a better, hard-working person.

[@cel7251]

I would also like to add: I just finished episode 9, the ending where emily is projecting rory's situation with rory onto lorleai and how she was a bad parent... she kept implying how rory would end up like her.... like why would you imply that type of thought onto your grandchild?

[@buttonedupwithstars9064]

What I always find especially frustrating is that sometimes Lorelai will be taken aback by something but almost immediately apologize and go out of her way to try to be kind but Emily can almost never take the apology and always keeps demeaning her. Also, I saw someone on TikTok a while ago basically argue that Emily and Richard weren’t all that bad and that Lorelai was just an out-of-control problem child and… while I don’t intend any disrespect toward that person, I was deeply upset by that video because that’s the exact logic that many parents will use to justify their abuse.

[@danishson97]

When the first episode come out, "That's where the colors don't go." Was probably the most perfect song to choose for her and her parents relationship. You see Lorelia, in the picture all by herself and i think that has a deeper meaning. She was alone in that house. Truly had no one. The reflection of her entire family was riding on her as well. That's why the house was behind her. Also showing she couldn't nor wouldn't live up to those expectations.

[@chaoticgoodiegood125]

This was an excellent analysis! I am the adult daughter of an emotionally manipulative mother and am finally choosing my peace over being a dutiful daughter. Thank you! Please do more!

[@kierralovestv]

!!!! Congratulations! I’m always gonna be a advocate for choosing yourself and setting boundaries it’s hard but possible 💗

[@karolinak493]

FINALLY SOMEBODY SAID THAT!!!! I’ve never really liked Emily, for me she was always too mean and judgemental, I felt really sorry for Lorelai and still don’t understand why people hate her but love Emily

[@mothman663]

PLEASE make this a series, I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this

[@RenaRain]

I've had friends and colleagues who would accuse me of "not respecting my elders" when I criticized parents who used corporal punishment and when older people feel entitled to other shitty behaviors, and it often made me feel like I was a self-righteous upstart who thought I was better because I was young even though that's not what I actually thought. I'd say that if old people want my respect they need to respect me in turn and I'd be told that was unreasonable and I was spoiled and coddled. Watching this video made me realize something. I respect the hell out of my mom and dad. I accommodate their needs and desires, I try to be respectful about their feelings and hear out their opinions, and that's because they didn't abuse me. They didn't just let me run free, they corrected my behavior A LOT because I was a kid with an underbaked brain but they talked through things when I lashed out, they apologized when they made mistakes, they treated me like a person. Emily...did NONE of that for Lorelai. I've never seen a character that less made me think of my mom than Emily Gilmore and people who defend her astonish me.

[@graceelizabeth130]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through abuse. That's awful.

[@kierralovestv]

It’s not okay but it’s okay I’m beginning to see what my experience is able to do for me and how I can use it to help other people so it makes it easier

[@kayy211]

You hit the nail on this video probably one of my favs so far love all the research you did never realized how abusive Emily was in many different shapes and forms makes me hate her even more lol can’t wait for the next episode!

[@kierralovestv]

Thank youu!

[@desireenicole9735]

Also let me just say JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS "FAMILY" DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ABSUSE!!!!!! My grandma hated me so much she purposely cut me out of family pictures, I didn't shed a tear when she died. I refuse to let anyone make me feel like a bad person because a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I no longer had to deal with her toxic and abusive behavior 🤷‍♀️

[@veroboro4035]

I left my Family at 18...3 months later my mom manipulated me to move back AND told EVERYONE that I couldnt manage to life on my own and was begging her to let me move back home...

[@sophiabbrady]

I’d love to see a video connecting/comparing Trix to all of this. Trix ONLY sees Emily as competition, and Richard (again) takes the side of the more dominant abuser. However, Emily mostly accepts the roll she has in that dynamic. There’s so much but I’ll leave it to you to expand on if you so choose :)

[@Lolzadoodle8484]

I empathized with Lorelei a lot. I'm the Lorelei, only child to parents with an extremely toxic dynamic. I'm now a failed gifted kid a year after graduation way too scared to apply to a job or talk to anyone who a job bc of how anxious I am about disappointing everyone all the time. It's so garbage. I wish there were less of us out there struggling.

[@elmirasmiscellaneous1129]

I wish you the best. I hope you'll never give up on yourself.

[@Lolzadoodle8484]

@@elmirasmiscellaneous1129 thank you 💕 trying my best. Wishing the same for you!

[@elmirasmiscellaneous1129]

@@Lolzadoodle8484 thank you. 💜

[@clairelist1060]

GREAT video !!! I would love to see other seasons broken down this way. The Emily / Lorelai dynamic is both heartbreaking and cathartic for me as a survivor too, and I feel CRAZY trying to explain this to people lollll

[@kierralovestv]

It’s truly exhausting

[@noodlen.9779]

So true. Some of the Emily scenes give me anxiety. Her words bite.

[@ColorfulBallerina]

You are right on. Emily is terrible. One of my biggest disappointments about the show ending is the fact that Emily does not develop as a character, own her bad behavior, and apologize to Lorelai.

[@DemonSmack]

Thank you so much for doing this. I was raised by a very abusive mother and it is so important to have these conversations. Abuse is abuse. It's baked into our culture to accept abuse from our parents and other authority figures and not expect better. We have to break that cycle to do better.

[@kierralovestv]

Right exactly! Thank you for sharing btw ik it’s not an easy thing to do. 💕 hope you’re doing well

[@nicoletteellis1277]

Thank you for making this. Like you, I'm very tired of people defending Emily's behavior. I have a mother VERY much like Emily in the most toxic ways and it makes it honestly difficult to watch. I'm 28 and I've only just now started going to therapy with the acceptance that i was abused as a kid. I'm constantly battling feelings of severe lack of self worth, anxiety that what I'm doing is wrong with even the smallest tasks, and just backing down from any hard situation because my first instinct is that I'm wrong. Your part about the dad in the relationship also really rings true. I love my dad but because my mom has always been so competitive, I can't have a real relationship as my true self with him. And he actively defends her actions. I decided to finally go nearly NC when my mom brought up a subject I've informed her is off-limits many times but she brought it up again, I told her, as calmly as I could, why this is a bad subject for us and she just said, "Sometimes I wonder how I raised such a b***ch for a daughter. This time I insisted on an apology and didn't back down. I wanted a real apology. It took her DAYS including a call from my dad in which he said he didn't know how we could have a relationship if I'm at odds with my mom. It was a blow to hear that because I knew I wasn't in the wrong and I was just standing up for myself and my own dad decided that was enough to essentially disown me. As I've grown to accept my real situation more, it's been harder for me to watch this show because the similarities are just too obvious. Anyway, thank you for making this video for people like me who have been uncomfortable with Emily's character for years.

[@kierralovestv]

I almost cried reading this (I’m emotional srry) I wish I could just give you a hug this is why I made it, I’ve witnessed this type of stuff and ik it’s not easy at all. I’m hoping the video really makes it clear for alot of people that in reality, the Emily stuff isn’t really funny. It’s abuse wrapped up in a comedic blanket but at it’s core it’s still abuse. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m wishing you the best

[@PrettyPrincess9609]

I have a toxic mother like Emily Gilmore except my mom is emotionally and physically abusive not financially abusive. My mom would constantly criticize my appearance, call me out my name, say I was stupid, dumb, she tried to control my life, choose a career for me that I didn’t want, and she physically beat me. I decided I would never ask my mother for money. If I need something, I ask my grandmother. I did try to speak to my mom about her abusing me and trying to control me but she threw in my face that she put a roof over my head and food on the table. Another reason why I never asked her for money as an adult even when I needed it. People treated me like the bad guy when I decided to finally cut her out of my life but it doesn’t matter rather a person is family or not. I tried to watch Gilmore Girls but I couldn’t finish it because Emily Gilmore triggered me so much. If someone is abusing you and don’t respect your boundaries, you don’t need to keep them in your life.

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you seem to have found peace. I hope that’s true, and that you’re doing okay.

[@kierralovestv]

Before some of you come in my comments with the “I hate Lorelai” T-shirts, read through the comments. some people I can tell did not watch the entire video so 13:06 is for you :))) PT 2 IS UP BTW 💗

[@PerpetualJoy]

Honestly, thank you so much for making this video. A lot of people touch on Emily being a toxic character but no one really breaks it down. I've been realizing lately that much of the behavior that I thought was normal growing up was not healthy, and this helps put some of those things into perspective.

[@kierralovestv]

I’m wishing you the best in your journey, it’s not an easy one deconstructing the effects that has on a person thank you sm for watching 💗

[@forgottenartform]

Really interesting video and gives me more of an insight into why i always understood Lorelai's side with needing to get out and away from her parents as soon as she could. My grandmother is definitely a lot like Emily, to the point neither of her children and none of her grandchildren want to spend time with her, and my mother has definitely got some toxic traits in her, especially when it comes to how the family is seen (remember being told to not tell my younger sister im gay in case it got out, and theres resistance to me gettinf checked for autism/ ASD because i went to uni and did well in school) where i couldnt wait to move over 100 miles away for uni at 18. The only way i have a relationship with her is if i treat it as two adults rather than mother/child otherwise it wouldnt last.

[@samanthabond3772]

My grandmother used to use gifts to control me and my sister. She used to take us to the mall or Justice or any clothing store but there was always a pressure on us. If we stepped out of line even a little she would make us leave. Even showing interest in something that she didn't like would result in us leaving right then and there. She wouldn't even talk to us on the way home. It resulted in both of us being nervous to accept any gifts. It took me a long time to figure out that this was wrong.

[@davidsherman7531]

thank you for this critique of Emily, I grew up in a similar situation, your observations really helped

[@Manakahuh]

Are you kidding me? This HAS to be a series! I will not take no for an answer. lol

[@jsmith8904]

I relate so much my mother was a narcissist. She was a nightmare.

[@kierralovestv]

Narcissistic moms are truly like dealing with a evil villain with a handlebar mustache

[@HipsterBeauty07]

i didn't know people didn't see Emily's obvious manipulation, i mean it's as clear as rory's reading. plus kate bishop said she used her mom's relationship with her grandma as inspiration for the role

[@HipsterBeauty07]

kelly bishop* lol

[@vanyasharma7806]

Unpopular Opinion : I mean, as confident & successful Paris was, it would not be wrong to say that she was a bully, specially to Brad , rude for no apparent reason. She was toxic as hell too, maybe a video on this as well ?

[@paulan7218]

omgoodness I love this video, Emily is my mother and I am Lorelei. before i knew what a narcissist was I could not figure out why their relationship triggered me so much and now I understand it’s because Emily and my mother could be twins

[@bangie317]

Okay I have to start off by saying that I love Emily as a character. There are so many layers to her and Kelly Bishop’s performance deserved every accolade imaginable. But damn this video humbled me. You hit the nail on the head again and again and again so I’m definitely seeing so many things in a new light. That said, I don’t think Emily is a lost cause (not that you implied that at all) and I always find myself rooting for her to just like…go to a good therapist. I think she has a lot of her own traumas, insecurities, and societal pressures that heavily influence everything she does. She came from a time and socioeconomic class that expected her to be a homemaker. While she’s nasty to Lorelai for not being the perfect daughter, there are also so many times where she seems to envy Lorelai’s freedom to be who she is. In 2x16 where Emily and Lorelai go out to a bar, Emily starts to let loose and have a great time and you can see that they might be able to mend their relationship but Emily remembers her role as a wife, mother, DAR member etc and snaps out of it. In the revival when she no longer has to be Mrs Richard Gilmore 24/7, it seems like she actually gets to discover herself for the first time and abandon all the rules she used to have for herself. Also I would love to know your thoughts on Richard as a parent/husband. I love his character overall, but I think Emily does a lot of his bidding for him and he’s able to benefit from so much off her manipulation while still being seen as the good guy. The way he let Trix treat Emily makes a lot of Emily’s behavior and anxiety a lot clearer to me. And yes PLEASE make this a series.

[@kierralovestv]

💗 Tysm for sharing this. I agree. & tyyy I’m glad you enjoyed it

[@briantlion2128]

I agree with all of your statements! I love all of the characters on the show. Including Emily. But no character on this show is without fault. I mean Rory definitely had her moments 😂😂😂. And Richard definitely gets off easy in all of this. Crucify me if you want but characters like Emily and Paris keep things interesting. Richard’s mother and Mrs. Kim…..well they were just mean lol

[@defne9309]

I one hundred percent agree, thank you for being my voice on this!!

[@antonellapicciotti9404]

Loved this video. Finally someone that understands that it is ok to be brave and stop communicating with people that are toxic and hurt you, even if these people are your parents. I come from a really toxic and complicated relationship with my mom and everytime I have a problem with her I get this ''but it's your mom'' comments and I'm sick of it! If you, person with a very difficult relationship with your parents, NO ONE has the right to judge you and tell you what to do regarding your parents. They don't get it, they're not in the same situation as you are. You are loved and I understand you

[@karennarvaez-pacheco1547]

I’m so happy you decided to make a video about this!!! It’s very insightful and informative. I truly hope those who need to hear this the most do. I was raised in a very abusive household, in literally every way by both parents. They’re both narcissists on top of everything else. It took me 30 years to finally realize my mother, who I had held in such high regard all my life, was also abusive. I’d primarily put the blame on my father and I see now it’s because I needed to believe that in order to get by as a child, even when I was beaten or locked in closets for hours by my own biological parents. I decided to cut them both off for my own good 3 years ago and it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. That and therapy. This doesn’t mean I don’t miss my mother or think about her. It has been very difficult for me, but I remind myself what drove us here in the first place and use that to my strength. Thank you so much for your channel and your videos. They mean a lot to us, your fans.

[@kierralovestv]

Oh wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m not really ready to talk about all of mine publicly but most of what I’ve experienced has been financial abuse, emotional and I don’t really feel comfortable talking about the other stuff yet maybe I will one day but not now. (Im saying this bc im trying to point out where I’m able to relate not to try and put the focus on me btw) Me and Lorelai often are so much alike it gets scary. It’s what attracted me to the show, how much it mimics my life (minus the wealth but even still with the money stuff I can still relate) I hope my channel really helps people I’m on this mission to become a better person and to heal myself from what I’ve gone through so it means alot seeing messages like these. I’m honored that you shared your story, thank you sm. I’m wishing you healing as well. Thank you for continuously coming back. 💗

[@not-a-ghost2206]

You are valid and I see you ❤️ it is so nice to know that you're not alone in this, especially the mother part, for which I'm also the daughter of a narcissistic mother. In retroperspective It really was and is cold in our parents house, just like with the gilmores. I am blamed for keeping my distance, that my visits are maybe two to three months apart, that it's so funny how couldnt keep friends in high school (well because i didnt have the energy). And it's the same with Emily. It's easy to put the blame on someone else, it's easy for a "I'm always the bad mother am i" to slip out. I never said nor implied it. But with my mother she always says "oh don't listen when I talk, sometimes it's nonsense". Well to a five or nine yesr old you weren't nonsense and they believed you cause you were their world. It's like the conversation lorelai has with Emily how she was unhappy in this house. She took the responsibility completely, even used "i feel" sentences, the best communication she ever had in the series and yet Emily found a way to make it about her. How SHE couldn't get out of bed while her daughter was missing. How about you do sth about that? Oh right denial. She can't listen to her daughter otherwise that would mean she is right. My mother only ONCE admitted my mental health. In therapy. She said "I knew you weren't well". TW and when my therapist said that in episodes I don't want to live anymore TW END she just looked down and said nothing of empathy. And that there I knew I needed space. I can't tell her everything yet she is offended and sad if she "finds out", like Emily. It's hard to come to terms with. Especially since abuse comes in different forms.

[@roux823]

I would definitely watch this as a series

[@Swamp_fairy]

I love the intro so much. I have such a strained relationship with my mother because of what happened in my childhood (as well as her continuing toxic behavior) and so many people have the audacity to judge me EVEN when they know the extent of what she did and that she refuses to grow and change despite knowing that she has issues

[@kierralovestv]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 as you should. Protecting your peace is important you just keep doing what’s best for you bc there’ll always be someone in the background saying no. People who don’t truly understand the aftermath of abuse will almost never see the point, hope you’re doing well today

[@Swamp_fairy]

@@kierralovestv thank you

[@kierralovestv]

@@Swamp_fairy thank you ☺️

[@BumperSoda]

7:24 Hear me out, that’s the only right thing that’s ever came out of that woman’s mouth 💀 Bit aggressive emily but when it comes down to it, rory was too stunned to speak when she saw BASIC ingredients like fruit, veggies, and bread in lorelei’s kitchen for one episode, everything in her fridge is just leftover fast food or takeout, and rory grew up with eating fast food leftovers basically. Good job emily, you said something right for once

[@sayenka6093]

I like Emily a lot as a character, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her in real life. And I think that's okay. She undeniably abused Lorelai, but she also suffered under the abuse of her mother-in-law and we never really get a look in Emily's childhood and adolescence. What we do know is that Emily thought that she raised Lorelai right probably because her own mother had a similar strategy. As you said, different people react differently to abuse. Emily wanted the same life for Lorelai that she had. One of prosperity and at the center of a nuclear family. Emily probably thought the best way to achieve that would be to let Lorelai go through what she had to endure from her own mother. But Lorelai is much more free-spirited and imaginative than Emily who is tenacious and ambitious. Lorelai ran where Emily would have suffered in "dignity". A theory.

[@ingrid5973]

im new to the fandom and i cant believe there are people who actually like emily??? kelly bishop's portrail is awesome but her being the "funny grandma" sometimes doesn't cover the fact she's so toxic omg

[@Eph_Wilson]

Thanks for posting this. Emily legit gives me flashbacks to people I've known, and it's great to see someone call the character out in detail.

[@hailyfollese4945]

thank you for this!! i always wondered why their relationship dynamic struck such a chord with me and it’s because these dynamics exist so prevalently in family settings. it takes therapy and so much reflection to realize that they exist but once you do realize these patterns/dynamics it becomes much easier to know who to/not to surround yourself with and how to ensure you break the cycle.

[@laurastedman2771]

Wow, you saying that Emily is in constant competition with Lorelei is right on. I am working on watching through the series again so I am excited to watch with this new perspective in the back of my mind.

[@stuffwithsoph8264]

This video hits. As a kid or even as an adult, if I express a feeling or opinion I was shamed for it. I was being a dramatic brat looking for attention. Toxic mothers like Emily can really mess you up, and Lorelai is such an amazing character sucks that people praise Emily but criticize Lorelai

[@kierralovestv]

!!!!

[@marlenaeva3813]

Hi Kierra. I think you're the only youtuber from the GG community who has a deep grasp on Emily Gilmore and the abuse she committed in the show. And to answer your question about Lorelei and why would she subject herself to her mother's abuses or come to her dinners? I assume that it's guilt or shame. It would be hard for her to cut her out of her life completely; remember that she lived in an era where No contact with a parent was a taboo subject. I went NC once with mine but came back to her multiple times. Not only that NC brings a lot of guilt and shame to us but it's just a very hard thing to do and it messes with your mind. But I believe it is the only solution to a peaceful and free life. Great videos. I subscribed.

[@emilyqui4919]

Yes! Please make this a series! I've always thought that Emily is not only narcissistic, but also very emotionally immature. Thank you for this video!! Absolutely wonderful!!!

[@kierralovestv]

Tysm 🤍

[@angelaholmes8888]

Yes emily is narcissistic

[@Fairysnuff91]

Thanks for this. I have always loved Emily as a character, and I like Lorelai but I used to think her reactions to things were a bit over the top. But this has definitely helped me understand things better and see their relationship in a new light. Really great content!

[@kierralovestv]

Tysm

[@amadiez]

Yes yes yes!!! 👏👏👏 Thank you so much for creating this video and for articulating (and researching!) so well the depth and intricacies of the manipulation that takes place! I think it’s such an important topic that doesn’t get discussed enough and is surrounded by so much shame and judgement, within the series but also in IRL. And this dynamic is such a potent portrayal of toxic mother-daughter relationships - in great part precisely because it’s nuanced and does not in involve “big T trauma” - we could use it to dive deeper into this subject and our own experiences. Would love a series! ✨

[@emmataylor627]

i relate to lorelai so much. jsut a few months ago i was having the worst time of my lfie, a lot of it to do with my mom's lack of maturity i suppose, and i remember watching gilmore girls just to feel the comfort that lorelai was kind of in the same boat as me. she really means the world to me, and she's taught me a lot about giving up on people that only f u up.

[@Redthreadwitch]

Loved this video. Also…I had no idea that there are people who think Emily is NOT toxic and manipulative! 😱

[@tiffanygrever8092]

I think you are right when you say life is about growing and we haft to keep learning from our mistakes the biggest problem I had with Emily and even with mrs Kim was that even after there daughters were grown wemon they were untitled to run there life's when Emily said I had to act I felt like jumping into the screen and smacking her.

[@kierralovestv]

Lmfaoooo me

[@Yupthatsme_7D]

I loved this, i also had a (less explicitly) relationship like this with my mom and loved Lorelei for showing me it's ok and even worth it to set boundaries and work towards creating the life you want

[@kierralovestv]

!!!!

[@grandmawitch]

Please cover season two of Gilmore Girls! (And the rest!) I’m watching it all the way through for the first time and I love having in-depth analysis to go with it!

[@SillySid4Ever]

So I love Emily Gilmore as a character but not a person. She's a horrible controlling mother. She does kinda have moments where she understands that and tries a little to not be but that doesn't redeem her in anyway. That being said she is a great character that really helps shape the show into what it is she is often the driving force of the plot and honestly she can be super funny at times I don't think she show would be what it is without her

[@M.A.Y.Y]

she was a very well-written character. the fact that this entire video could be made with examples and research and so on shows how well she was written to portray all that she did.

[@krose6451]

2:55 "spending money on a person is a way of showing love" I actually loved a point that was made when someone was examing movies like Pretty Woman and the tropes that get used when there is a rich love interest. They rightly pointed out money means different things to different people. When you dont have it its a far bigger deal then when you do. The giving means less to those that do have. I would add to it though, that once you have enough money that you are more than stable, there is a trend of starting to view that money as power and control. Its part of the reason some of the wealthy can be so stingy. They know what they can DO with that money... to generally get themselves more money, authority, or influence. They are used to spending money as an investment in getting them what they want. This isnt all but it is a good number of them. I have some odd insights due to some I have known and because I know a lot of people who do housecleaning/petsitting/ babysitting for such people. I think its so very telli g that Emily didnt just give the money. She made it a transaction. This was a bussiness deal. An investment. Leveraging in that way in a personal relationship especially one that takes advantage of someones desire to take care of another should be a big old warning sign flashing for all to see.

[@elle_aye112]

Man, this video is a breakdown of my and my sister's relationship with my mother. Wow. I'm gonna have to talk to my sister about this. Thank you

[@t.a.yeah.]

I somehow always found the relationship with Emily very interesting... but it took me a long time to realize that this is because it reminds me of some traids of my mother... 😅 I have a quite big distance now to her and superficially it's all fine, even though it's sad not to have a genuine good relationship to her. (But it wasn't possible to talk to her about her actions that made me feel bad, so we could not move beyond, but just "forget" about it to at least have a superficially good relationship.)

[@t.a.yeah.]

PS: Thanks for the interesting video! ♡

[@kierralovestv]

I totally understand this. This sometimes is the way you have to be to protect yourself from people who don’t protect you. It’s unfortunate but it’s life and life is complicated. Sometimes you gotta love people from a distance. I hope you’re doing well.

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you for watching 🤍

[@kimmiller4951]

I really like your take on this complex character!! Thank you for all your hard work. Peace and love from the middle of the US. Can’t wait for more.

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you sm for watching 💕☺️

[@romijane]

I agree. I think the one thing is that Emily really believes she's doing the best for Lorelai but she expresses her love trying to control her and change her into what she thinks is the right way. She loves Lorelai but never unconditionally...

[@rachael4775]

This reminds me of my own mom and you explained it so well. Every time I meet her, there’s ALWAYS a criticism and it’s so draining

[@Lulu-tt2ge]

i brainwashed myself for so long to think my mom wasent abusive because she loved me. I know that she will always love me but abusive moms will always put theirselves first

[@Pandagachesko]

No one can relate to this more than me! Yes parents can be toxic. They can be super manipulative. I was constantly gaslighted that I was over reacting. Due to this I grew up to constantly defend myself for every little thing. It has affected several of my behavior patterns. I had to unlearn a lot of things to find myself again. That happened only when I got away from my mom. This is why Gilmore girls is a show I relate to the most.

[@jackiesliterarycorner]

I think this is a season 2 example, but when Lorelai has to get loan she has to cosign a contract with Emily to get the loan from the bank. She asks Emily what she wants in return, but Emily expressing hurt feelings insists she just wants to do something for her daughter. Then at dinner Emily gives her the cold shoulder and Lorelai apologizes, but after the apology Emily tells her she's using the inn for the DAR meetings. My grandmother on the paternal side was like this. She was very emotionally manipulative and abusive to my dad and his siblings. She was worse on my dad's oldest sister and resented the fact everyone loved my grandfather. She didn't seem to realize it was because he was kind, loving, and didn't ask for anything in return. Also, in the episode when Emily meets Dean, she guilt trips Lorelai about Rory not coming home until the next morning and she tells her Rory will do the same thing she did and get pregnant. As if this proves Emily right that Lorelai wasn't being responsible by letting Rory go out with Dean and this triggers Lorelai causing her and Rory to have a huge fight.

[@kierralovestv]

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’re doing okay. And I meant to add that that’s the only time I can remember Lorelai just straight yelling at Rory. Like she talks loud sometimes but that was a time where she was just yelling at her, like Emily. That scene makes me upset everytime I see it bc I’ve been there and I know that kind of frustration all too well.

[@jackiesliterarycorner]

@@kierralovestv Thank you. I wasn't as affected by my grandmother's meanness, but she often made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't have the kind of affection you should have for your grandmother. I know the only reason my dad and remaining Aunts are okay is because of my grandfather being such a wonderful person.

[@Zoethechoirkid]

I definitely disagree that parents deserve to be involved/respected in their children’s lived just because they birthed a child. They have to earn involvement/respect like everyone else. You cannot disrespect and abuse someone then expect to get these things in return. And Emily is one of the people who believe they deserve it all.

[@not-a-ghost2206]

THANK YOU. haven't watched the video yet and i probably won't, since you so consideradly put a tw in the beginning

[@kierralovestv]

!!!!! This is why I made the video. I have way too much experience with narcissism from authority and so it’s hard to watch Emily straight up emotionally abuse her and for people to make videos praising her all her “one liners” like I get it bc I love a toxic character every now and then but usually the ones I like are characters with a huge backstory on why they’re the way they are. Emily doesn’t have that. It makes it hard to empathize especially knowing her behavior is classic narcissism. It makes it so clear to me that so many people may be being treated this way and not even recognize it as abuse or some people are the actual abusers themselves and aren’t aware that they are. That scene you mentioned is a scene I have experienced many times, it’s amazing what we’re able to forget.

[@carolina_ellie5103]

I honestly relate to lorelai in certain area especially the abuse from her mother which is why I always side with lorelai because Emily is so mean to her and makes her own daughter feel like crap all the time and even though Emily is rude to her lorelai will sometimes sympathise with her

[@honeybee19892]

Also found it hilarious when they blamed Lorelai for going back to his fiance. So Christopher the man who had an affair and led Lorelai on is not to blame.

[@AnaboliKitchen]

You're such a lovely discovery for me on KZbin. You sound like a really good person with proper values in life, that manages to be logical and eloquent. I've been listening to your videos for about two days now, and I've enjoyed each. Hope you go far! ❤